A/N: Thanks for the reviews, guys! I am completely astounded; we broke 300 reviews with the last chapter. It makes me so happy to know that my readers love these characters as much as I do. :)
Things are going great for them, aren't they? This chapter is huge. Not just in length, although it is a monster (it's even longer than the last one!). No, this chapter involves some very big steps for Ness. The last chapter, this one, and the next all go together as a sort of gigantic chapter, which is why they're all in Ness' POV. I'm expecting there to be some questions raised from this chapter, and I can promise you that they will be answered with the next one. Keep your hopes up!
I own nothing. Enjoy!
Give Me a Sign
Chapter Twenty-Four
Basket Case
Do you have the time to listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once?
I am one of those melodramatic fools,
Neurotic to the bone, no doubt about it.
- Basket Case – Green Day
Renesmee
I followed Jake to the kitchen where we pulled everything out for the chicken burritos. Jake looked over the recipe for a second.
"So this is pretty much fajitas. We'll just fry the chicken and sauté the rest. You want to work on the vegetables, and I'll do the meat?"
I nodded. "Sure. I'm not really sure what to do with them, though."
He smirked and kissed me. "Don't worry; I'll show you."
He stood behind me, his arms on either side of mine as he showed me how to wash and cut the peppers and onions. It wasn't easy trying to ignore the heat in my body or forget what had just happened on the couch, especially when he'd get close enough for me to feel how aroused he still was. I would be lying if I said I didn't lean back just a little bit to feel it more.
As soon as I felt confident enough to do it on my own, I took over and let him deal with the chicken. It was slightly easier to calm down when he was on the opposite side of the kitchen. I still stole a few glances at him in between cutting, being extra careful to make sure I didn't slice my fingers. His back was facing me as he washed and cut the chicken, and I found my eyes wandering down to his hips again. I wasn't sure what exactly it was about those pants, but they fit him remarkably well. I'd never caught myself staring at his backside before. I licked my lips and quickly went back to chopping when he turned around.
He kissed my head, and when I looked up at him, he was fighting a smile. I had probably been caught. Oh, well. It wasn't like he didn't grab mine every chance he got. The thought made me want him to do it now. I cleared my throat.
"What next?" I asked.
He chuckled and kissed my lips. "You got everything cut up?"
I nodded and gestured to the pile in front of me. "Yep, just finished. Are you done with the chicken?" I looked around to see that he'd even set out two pans on the stove.
"The chicken's going to take a little bit longer than the peppers, so I'll get this started then help you with that in a minute, okay?"
I nodded again and put the knife down. I rinsed my hands off and stepped closer to watch what he was doing. He smiled down at me as he poured a little bit of cooking oil into the pan then put the chicken in. We were both quiet, and I just watched his hands, one on the handle of the pan and one on the spoon. He made it look so easy. After a few minutes, he put some cooking oil in the second pan.
"You wanna grab the peppers?" he asked, casting me a quick glance. I reached over and picked up the plate to hand it to him. He smiled and shook his head. "You're doing them, Ness. I'm just showing you how."
I got a little nervous. I really didn't want to ruin anything. "Okay."
He took a step back and gestured for me to take his place in front of the pan. I did, and he reached his arms around me like had before. I could probably handle this.
"Now carefully put them in the pan."
His hands hovered around mine, never actually touching but somehow still guiding. I jumped a little when the oil sizzled, and I could feel Jake chuckle behind me. He kissed my head and told me to stir everything around.
"Just keep that up. Let them sit for a few seconds, then stir them again, 'kay?"
I nodded. I could do that. "How long?"
He stepped around me to stir the chicken again. "Maybe ten to fifteen minutes. We'll check them when the chicken's done."
I nodded again and smiled to myself as I stirred the peppers. I could really get used to cooking, especially if he showed me what to do like that.
It didn't take long for everything to do be done. I got some plates down, we loaded a few tortillas, then we went to sit on the couch to eat.
"Pretty damn good, Ness," Jake said.
I nodded. "You're a good cook."
He smirked. "I'm not the only one."
I couldn't say why I blushed. "Well, I'm not, so it must have been you."
He shook his head and swallowed his bite before he spoke again. "You are a good cook; you just have to know what you're doing."
I smiled, happier than I thought I should be at his words. It gave me hope that someday I could make something by myself that he would like.
As we ate, I thought about the things I'd want to make for him. Dinners, of course, but I also wanted to make other things like deserts and snacks. I'd make him chocolate chip cookies using the recipe from my mom's cook book since they were so much better than any cookies I'd ever bought at a store. I remembered smiling and laughing with my dad as we scooped out spoonfuls of dough and dropped them on the cookie sheet. I wondered if Jake and I could make them together.
"Jake?" I asked. He hummed and met my eyes. "Do you like cookies?"
He nodded. "Yeah. Peanut butter cookies with milk are the best."
I frowned a little. I wasn't sure if there was a recipe for peanut butter or not. "What about chocolate chip?"
"Those are good, too. They're your favorite, right?"
I smiled, happy that he remembered that. "Yeah. The best ones are the ones I used to make with my dad." My heart hurt at the memories, but it was in the strangest way. It didn't feel like I was going to cry or rip open or anything like that. It just ached like it used to ache right after Grandpa Charlie died and I'd think about fishing. I couldn't remember ever feeling this kind of dull but persistent ache when I remembered my dad.
Jake put his hand on my knee, and his thumb rubbed gently across my jeans. "My dad used to make the best pecan pies."
I smiled and realized that Jake never talked about his dad. I knew it was because it made me remember mine, but I felt bad that he couldn't talk about those happy memories around me. I wanted to try, for him. "What was he like?"
He smiled and took another bite of his burrito before he answered me. "He was like me in a lot of ways. Calmer, though; it took a lot to get him upset. I got all of my looks from him. My mom was short like you with brown hair and the most beautiful green eyes . . . Before Dad got sick, we used to wrestle all the time. We'd just go outside and try to pin each other down, no matter what the weather was doing. He loved my mother so much, and he always taught me to respect women and never take love for granted. He would have loved you, Ness."
He met my eyes, and I swear I his were glistening. It surprised me, but only made my heart hurt worse with how much I loved him. I put my hand over his on my knee.
"What all did you think about last night?" he asked.
I took a deep breath. "I wondered what my dad would have thought about you. I think he would have liked you a lot. And I imagined what it would have been like to bring you home and introduce you to him." The tears I thought I'd escaped started to fall, and I leaned in to put my head on his shoulder. "I imagined him looking you over and doing the normal dad thing—you know, trying to decide if you were good enough for his little girl. I think he'd see how much you've done for me and how you just dropped whatever you'd been doing and came to help me, and he'd love you more for all of it."
Jake's fingers curled around mine, and he kissed the top of my head. "I've thought a lot about what would happen if you were able to meet my dad. He always thought he had to give me advice on how to be with my girlfriends. He'd probably tell me to be careful with you. You look fragile like Mom did, and he'd hate to see you get hurt. He'd tell me to take it slow and respect your needs. Then he'd tell me to hold on tight and never let go, because a woman like you will never come around again."
I smiled and my throat tightened in a strange new way. His dad sounded just as sweet as he was. "I love you, Jake." I moved back to look up at him.
He kissed my lips. "I love you, too."
It made me happy to know that Jake thought his dad would like me. We were both quiet for a while; just finishing dinner. I thought about how much Jake had given up for me. I didn't want to think of it like that, but there really was no other way to put it. He sacrificed a lot to be with me. I wanted to do something special for him.
When we finished eating, I helped Jake clean up. I washed the dishes while he cleaned the counters, and I found myself turning to look at him every few minutes. When that was done, we went back to the living room. Jake looked a little tense, but he didn't seem upset. It looked more like he was thinking pretty seriously about something.
"What should we do now?" I asked. I kind of wanted to make out more now that dinner was out of the way. I also wanted to try to straddle him. I wasn't sure if I'd actually be able to do it without scaring myself, but I wanted to try.
He sat down on the couch. Perfect. "Come here."
I went to him and reached out for his hands. He gave them to me, and he looked up at me with the most gorgeous look in his dark eyes. It was so much love and trust and need. I licked my lips and leaned down as I put one knee on the couch beside his leg.
"I want to try something," I said.
He nodded and held my hands tighter, supporting me as I leaned forward a little and bent my other leg. It was so strange to be like this, straddling his thighs with my backside on his knees. I took a deep breath and tried hard to ignore the panic growing in my chest. This was Jake, and I trusted him with my whole life. There was no reason to be scared. I met his eyes and tightened my fingers on his.
"I love you," he said softly. He tried to pull me closer, but I needed another minute. Every part of me tensed and pulled back slightly, and he relaxed.
"I love you, too, Jake. I'm sorry . . ." I wanted to be able to just sit close to him and do whatever he wanted to do. I took another deep breath and moved one hand from his to place it on his shoulder. His hand went to my hip and held tightly.
"Don't be sorry, Ness. Take your time."
Without moving my hips closer, I leaned in and kissed him. As my heart rate calmed down and the panic eased, I was able to notice how good it actually felt to be like this. Jake was between my legs, and the mere thought of that made my whole body start to throb. I moved forward a few inches, until I started to tense with panic again. I stopped and leaned back a little bit to take another deep breath. I still held Jake's hand in mine, and I let go just long enough to intertwine our fingers. I squeezed tightly and kissed him again. His fingers on my hip moved lightly, going back and forth on the top of the back pocket of my jeans.
Once again, the panic eased, and I was able to move closer. This time the panic wasn't as consuming, and I didn't even have to break the kiss. I didn't break it again until my body was flush with his, and I felt his arousal between my legs. I sucked in a deep breath, surprised by how good it felt, and pulled back to meet his eyes.
"Jake?" My voice was barely a whisper. I didn't even know what I wanted to say. I moved my hips and gasped again. His fingers on my hip gripped firmly, pulling me in harder, as his hand holding mine clenched tighter. He groaned and pushed his hips up, causing a whole new sensation to sweep through me. I whimpered and leaned in to connect our lips again. I finally took my hand from his to wrap both of my arms around his neck and lean in so my chest was on his. Both of his hands went to my backside to help me move against him. Every motion caused another burst of fire in my gut, and it wasn't long before I had to break the kiss just to lean my head back and moan.
"Nessie," Jake said. His voice was low and rough, and it went all through me in the best way. I shivered and met his eyes. "I want you to move in with me."
I leaned back, surprised. It wasn't at all what I had expected him to say. His hands pulled my hips in again, and I fought to keep my head clear. I put my hands on his wrists and tried to still myself.
"What?" Maybe I'd heard him wrong.
"Move in with me, Ness. I saw that paper behind the microwave again, and I know you've only got two weeks left here. Have you figured anything else out yet?" His fingers moved roughly up my waist to my breasts. My hands slid down to his elbows. I shivered again and sighed, so conflicted. I wasn't even sure how I found it in me to care that he was asking me to put that on him. But, somehow, I wanted to argue. I wanted to tell him that I had it all figured out and he didn't need to worry about me anymore. Instead, I found myself shaking my head. He kissed me softly. "Just move in with me. You won't have to worry about finding a job unless you want to. Let me take care of you, baby."
Oh, God. His words made me want to melt and just do whatever he said. His hands on my breasts and erection between my legs only made it harder to concentrate. I was almost amazed that I was even able to shake my head again.
"Jake, I can't do that." Would that work?
His brow furrowed, and he shifted his hips a little. Did he know what he was doing to me? "Why not?" As he moved again, his thumbs grazed over my nipples. I was going to burst into flames at any second.
It took every ounce of my awareness to speak. "Jake . . . I . . . Oh, God." My hips betrayed me, moving forward and causing me to whimper again. "I can't . . . Please don't ask me to do that."
"I want you to, Ness. As much as it kills me that I can't do anything to stop it, you're going to lose this house. You don't know how much I wish I had the money to give you." I closed my eyes and swallowed. I knew he'd give me the money if he had it. I also knew I would never be able to accept it. "But I don't, and you have to do something. Even if you weren't allergic to the sun, you couldn't stay on the street." He shifted again and hissed, his eyes closing halfway for a brief moment. "There's only two weeks left, and unless you can find an apartment in the next few days, you're not going to find anything that can run the application and let you move in before you're out of time."
Somehow, I was actually impressed with how calm he seemed. He had the most delicious fire in his eyes, though, and I knew he was anything but. His hands were rough against my breasts, gripping tightly and driving me wild. "Please, Jake," I begged. It scared me how much I wanted to just agree with him. I knew, though, that if I let myself slip even once, he would never let me back out of it.
A tiny voice somewhere deep inside me wondered why I was fighting him. Didn't I want to be with him? Living with him would mean we'd never have to say goodbye at the end of the night. He'd never have to leave if he got too aroused. Then again, he wouldn't be able to get away from me, either. He'd be stuck with me, whether he wanted my presence or not. I couldn't let myself agree when I knew there was a chance he might end up regretting it someday. I never wanted him to ask me to leave.
"I can't," I said again.
"Tell me why," he said. His voice was harder, and his hands slipped down to my waist and pulled me in roughly as he shifted his hips up. We both gasped, and I gripped his wrists again, my fingernails biting into his skin.
"Please . . ." I couldn't think. All I knew was that I couldn't give in. "I need to stop."
He sighed, but he nodded and released my hips. I moved off to sit beside him and looked down at my lap, breathing heavily. I noticed him panting right along with me.
"I love you, Ness," he said, taking my hand.
I looked up at him with a smile. "I love you, too."
"Will you at least think about it? Not just staying for a while until you find something else; I want you to live with me."
I leaned in to put my forehead on his shoulder. "Jake . . . I can't—"
"You can. Please just think about it." He kissed the top of my head.
I could think about it. There was no doubt in my mind that I would think about it, even when I didn't want to. I'd imagine all the different possibilities that living with him could bring. I wouldn't ever have to go a day without seeing him again. I'd never have to say goodbye; only goodnight. I licked my lips and looked back up at him.
"Okay, I'll think about it."
He kissed me. "Thank you. I think I need to go. I love you."
I sighed. "I love you, too."
We got up, and I hugged him hard. He kissed my head one more time before he pulled back, touched my cheek, and left. I went to bed a little sad that I wouldn't see him for two days. Tuesday was going to be a big day, and I had a lot to do Sunday and Monday to try to find a way and a place to move.
The library wasn't open on Sunday, and there wasn't much I could do about anything, so I stayed inside and finished my book. I was surprised with the ending; too many of the loose ends had been left hanging. It made me wonder if maybe there was a sequel. I made a note to check the next time I went to the library.
After I'd finished the book and spent a good hour and a half imagining all the possibilities that the loose ends could mean, I went through the house and cleaned up anything that needed it. I made my bed and started a load of laundry, then I went outside and checked the mail since I hadn't checked it the day before. It was all junk, but one of the pieces was labeled to Edward Masen.
I sat on the couch and stared at the name on the envelope, surprised in more than one way when I realized I wasn't dying. I remembered how he used to make jokes about junk mail. He'd ask me if I thought he'd get lucky with the key for the car that could win a large amount of money. We even tried one once, just because I was curious about it. He won a five dollar gift card to a department store. He'd shrugged and said it was better than a slap in the face. I remembered laughing, thinking that a gift card for five dollars was a slap in the face.
It hurt in the strange, dull-but-persistent way it had hurt the day before when Jacob was with me. As if my dad's death was no more painful than Grandpa Charlie's. I didn't know what I wanted to think about that. Was it okay to feel this? It didn't seem okay. Shouldn't I be hurting so bad it was hard to breathe? I took a deep breath, and it was clear as any other breath. I felt the oxygen and the relief. I wasn't sure if I liked it.
I put the envelopes on the coffee table and went down the hall to my room. I needed some time to process this new pain.
I got up early on Monday to go to the library, determined to find something good enough to prove to Jacob that he didn't need to sacrifice everything he had for me. Before I got online, I looked up the book I'd gotten and learned that it was part of a trilogy. I was a little too excited when I found both of the sequels, then I picked out a few more recipes and finally made my way to the computers.
It was difficult trying to do much of anything in just a half an hour. I put in two more applications and got the phone numbers for three of the places I'd already applied. I wasn't sure what exactly I was going to do, but I had read somewhere that it was a good idea to check on the application if I hadn't heard back from the company. After my internet time was up, I checked everything out and went home. I was eager to start reading, but I told myself that a job was more important. I had to call the companies I had the numbers for, then I could read.
Calling them was a joke. None of the people I talked to had access to the applications, and either the people that did weren't in the office or were inaccessible. I grumbled to myself as I put the phone back in the kitchen. What was I going to do? Jacob was right; if I didn't find something soon, I wasn't going to have any option at all. It would be too late to make enough money to get into a new place, much less have the place ready for me to move into. I was so confused, not even willing to think about my wavering determination when it came to Jake. Instead, I sat on the couch and started the second book in the trilogy.
At seven o'clock, I started thinking about going to bed. As I walked down the hall, the phone rang. I figured it was probably Jacob, so I went to the kitchen and picked up the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Ness." I smiled to myself when I heard Jake's voice. "How was your day?"
I leaned against the counter. "It was okay. How was yours?"
"Not bad. I called a few of those doctors to see what we need to do for the initial consultation. They need an appointment, so I made two for you. They're in person rather than on the phone."
I nodded even though I was a little confused. "In person, like I need to go to their office?"
"Yeah. I'll be there with you, though, so don't worry, okay?"
I did relax a little knowing Jake would be there. "Okay. You said you made two?"
"Yes, first we'll go to Dr. West, then we'll see Dr. May. The other ones were booked up for the next week, so we can look in to them a little bit later. I'll be there at nine to get you, 'kay?"
"Okay. Thank you for doing that." Although I knew this therapy thing was important to him, it still surprised me that he was so willing to help.
"Anytime. You getting ready for bed?"
"Yeah, I think so. I love you."
"Love you, too, Ness. Have a good night."
"You, too, Jake. See you tomorrow."
We hung up, and I went down the hall to go to bed. I was nervous about tomorrow, but excited at the same time.
I woke up screaming at three-thirty the next morning. My throat was burning, and I swear I could feel the blade cutting through my airway. I could feel myself choking on blood. I got up, still gasping and coughing, and stumbled my way to the kitchen to get a drink. I held the counter for support and just sipped water from the tap out of my hand. I closed my eyes tightly and splashed some water on my face. It was all a dream, and I was going to be fine.
I sat on the couch for a long time after that, just staring at the empty living room. I wished I wasn't alone. I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them as I thought about Jacob holding me. I wanted him there. This wasn't like the other night, though. I couldn't call him just because I'd had a bad dream.
Something inside me said that this was just another reason I should give in and live with Jake. I wouldn't have to worry about calling him or being alone. He'd always be there. Even if I was there with him now, though, he'd be asleep. I couldn't wake him up and expect him to comfort me. I'd be alone anyway, so what would be the point?
The part of me that wanted to give in to Jake argued that I wouldn't really be alone. Not like I was now. Jake might be asleep and in another room, but he'd be there. If something like the other night did happen again, he wouldn't have to drop everything and drive to rescue me. He'd just be there.
I shook myself to get away from those thoughts. Jake knew about the breakdowns, and I knew he was okay with them. He didn't know about the nightmares. Honestly, I was a little afraid to talk about them. I knew I'd have to in therapy, but I didn't want to. I kind of wanted to keep them to myself. I remembered a time when I was ten years old that I'd had a nightmare and woke my dad up. He'd been in a bad mood and told me that I was too old to be getting upset over nightmares. Later, he apologized and told me he'd always love me. But now I was twenty; it was way too old to expect anyone to comfort me over a nightmare. They were just dreams, and I'd be fine.
I finally laid back down at five o'clock. I made sure my alarm was still set, then I went back to sleep.
My fingers were shaking as I brushed my hair, getting ready to go to therapy consultations with Jake. I wasn't sure if I was more nervous about talking to someone I didn't know, or if it was because I had no idea what they would want to talk about. I wasn't sure I could talk about everything the way I talked to Jake. At least not right up front.
I told myself I was ready at eight-thirty. I sat on the couch and read until Jake got there. When he did show up, I tried to hide my nervousness. I knew he'd see through me anyway, but at least I could try.
"You okay?" he asked after he hugged me. I nodded and smiled, but he raised an eyebrow. "You're worried about this, aren't you?"
I sighed. "Just a little bit."
He smirked. Yeah, I was an open book. "I'm sure. All we're doing today is just getting a feel of these doctors. They'll ask you a few questions and have you tell them about yourself, and I'll be there with you the whole time. If they ask something you don't want to answer, you don't have to."
His encouragement and understanding made me feel better, and I was able to smile easier. "Okay."
He leaned down and kissed me. "You ready to go?"
"Yeah, I think so." I made sure I had everything I needed, took his hand, and we left.
The first appointment we had was with Dr. West. I was shaking by the time we walked into her office, but Jake kept his arm around my shoulders. I felt a little safer that way. Her office was huge and plain. It was all dark wood with a few throw rugs and a couch opposite the receptionist's desk. There were no windows in the room, and while I appreciated that, it made me curious. A normal person would expect windows in a place like this. We went up to the desk, and I tried to hide behind Jake. His arm around me wouldn't allow it.
"We have an appointment with Dr. West for Renesmee Masen."
I couldn't remember ever hearing Jake say my full name. I kind of liked it. The receptionist smiled and picked up her phone. I assumed she was talking to the doctor, because when she hung up, she told us to sit and wait for a few minutes. Jake pulled me over to the couch, and I sat next to him. I leaned my head on his shoulder and sighed as his fingers rubbed lightly up and down my arm. It was around five minutes later that a door behind the receptionist opened and a woman who looked in her mid- to late-forties came out. She looked over at Jake and me.
"Renesmee Masen, you can come back now."
Somehow it felt like an appointment at a real doctor. Or, well, like a medical doctor. Jake and I got up, and he still didn't move his arm from my shoulders as we walked back to the woman's office. It was plain and wooden just like the waiting area, and it had very few things set up. There was an overstuffed chair that looked really hard and uncomfortable about five feet or so from a couch that looked just as unpleasant.
"My name is Doctor Marjorie West. It's nice to meet you." She held out her hand and smiled stiffly.
"You, too," I said, trying to smile as I shook her hand.
She cast a wary glance at Jacob. "Is he going to stay in here with you?"
My stomach tightened. If she tried to send him out, there was no way I was even going to sit down. I nodded and turned into him slightly. "Yes. This is Jacob. My boyfriend." It felt weird to say that word out loud. Was it really the first time I'd actually claimed Jake as my boyfriend to another person? It made me happy. I wanted to say it again.
Jacob's arm tightened around me. "I made the appointment, and the receptionist said you don't have a problem with family staying in the room."
Dr. West nodded. "Yes, that's true. Family. Well, I guess you can stay this time."
I looked up at Jake. I didn't like this woman already. He smiled and kissed my lips then turned back to the doctor. "Thank you, but I think we've learned all we need to know. We need someone who is okay with me staying with her through all of her sessions."
I sighed in relief. The woman pursed her lips, but didn't try to dissuade us from leaving. Once we got back in the car, Jake laughed. I raised an eyebrow and looked at him.
"I'm kind of surprised that woman's still in practice," he said. "We've got about an hour and a half before we go see Dr. May. Are you hungry?"
I hadn't eaten any breakfast, so I nodded. "Yeah a little. Jake, what if none of them want to let you stay with me?"
He smiled at me as he started the car. "Then we keep looking."
We went through a drive through and got breakfast burritos, then we went back to my house to eat them.
"What are you going to do with Leah?" I asked as we ate.
"More wedding stuff. She refuses to let Sam see anything she might be wearing that day, so instead of asking him for help, she's asking me. She says we're the only two men she can trust with it, and I don't mind helping."
I smiled and nodded. "You're going up there at two, right?"
He nodded. "Yeah."
I didn't want to admit that I was sad I'd have to say goodbye to him so early. There was another forty-five minutes before we had to leave to see the next doctor, but I wasn't sure what to do. I sort of wanted to make out again, but I wasn't going to straddle him. I was afraid he'd bring up something about moving in with him again, and who knew if I'd be strong enough to resist him a second time.
When we were finished eating, Jake sat back on the couch and gently tugged my arm to get me to lean back with him. I rested my head on his shoulder and lifted my hand to fidget with the neckline of his t-shirt. I loved that spot where the fabric met his skin. I lifted myself enough to kiss it and remembered a time before I knew he loved me when I'd wanted to do the same thing so badly. I smiled; now I could do it anytime I wanted.
"Tell me something new about you, Ness," Jake said, breaking the silence.
I pursed my lips and tried to think of something I hadn't ever told him. Even though I knew there had to be a million things he didn't know yet, I couldn't think of one. "It might be a minute," I said, still sorting through thoughts and memories for something to say. He kissed my head again, and I felt him nod against my hair.
I snuggled closer to him and reached up further to hold on to his shoulder. The arm around me held tighter, and his other hand started to lightly rub my arm. It felt like heaven, just sitting here with him like this.
"How about 'Twenty Questions?'"
I looked up at him. "What?"
"Have you ever played 'Twenty Questions?'"
I raised an eyebrow and shook my head. "No."
He smiled and kissed my forehead. "I'll ask you twenty random questions, and you say the first thing that comes to your mind."
That could get dangerous. "Okay, but only if you promise not to ask embarrassing questions."
He laughed and hugged me tighter. "I promise."
"Okay; I'll play. What're your questions?"
"Apple juice or orange juice?"
"Orange juice." Easy enough.
He nodded. "Ninjas or pirates?"
Huh? "Um, ninjas, I guess. They're cooler."
He chuckled. "Sweet or salty?"
"Sweet or salty what?"
He shrugged. "Anything. Food, I guess."
"Depends on my mood."
He nodded. "Right now?"
"Salty."
He smirked. "Black or white?"
"Black."
The smirk turned into a smile. He probably knew I only said that because it was his last name. "Red or blue?"
"Blue." This was easy. No hard questions. I shifted closer.
"Favorite animal?"
First thing that came to my mind? "Um . . . dogs, I guess. But only the pretty ones. Like huskies and stuff."
"Okay. Do you believe in ghosts?"
"No."
He raised an eyebrow. "Aliens?"
Now he was just getting ridiculous. I laughed as I answered. "No."
He smiled. "Celebrity crush?"
"Nobody."
He looked down at me. "Nobody at all?"
I shook my head. "No, not really. I used to like Richard Gere, but I think that's passed." Jacob was hotter than any celebrity I'd seen in a while, and he was mine, so what was the point in dreaming about someone I would never even see in person?
He laughed. "Okay. Have you ever wanted to get a tattoo?"
"No, but when I was younger, I thought about getting my nose pierced."
He wrinkled his nose. "Please don't."
"Why?"
He kissed my lips. "Because you're pretty enough without it."
I liked that reason.
"Chocolate or vanilla?"
"Vanilla." I wondered if I'd get to ask the questions when he got to twenty.
"Batman or Superman?"
"Neither."
He looked down at me again. "You have to pick one."
I sighed. "Superman."
He raised an eyebrow. "Why?"
I couldn't stop my smile. "Because you made me choose."
He laughed again and kissed me. "Aragorn or Legolas?"
My brow furrowed. Was he even speaking English? "What?"
"From Lord of the Rings. Aragorn or Legolas?"
"I've never read those books. I tried to once, but I got bored."
He smirked. "They made movies, too. I have them; maybe we can watch them sometime."
"Sure."
"Vampires or werewolves?"
"Werewolves."
He smirked. "What are you most afraid of?"
"Losing you." I blushed and tried to look down, but he caught my chin and made me look up at him. He didn't say anything about it. He just kissed my lips softly and moved on.
"What makes you most happy?"
What happened to no embarrassing questions? I was still blushing as I answered him. "Being with you." We were close to twenty, weren't we?
"Why don't you want to move in with me?"
Oh, shit. His hand was still under my chin, and I couldn't look away. He met my eyes; his were soft and comforting and curious. I took a deep breath and licked my lips.
"Can I pass?"
He sighed and looked at his watch. "We need to leave anyway."
I was so relieved when he let me pull away and stand up. I knew if I told him why I was hesitant to move in with him, he'd dismiss all of my worries and tell me all the reasons why I should just do it. He stood up with me and helped to clean up the mess from breakfast. Lunch; whatever. Once everything was cleaned up, we left to go to the second appointment.
Neither of us said anything on the way. I hoped he wasn't mad at me. I knew how he worked when it came to trying to take care of me, and there was no doubt in my mind that he would do pretty much anything and sacrifice pretty much anything if he thought it was what I needed. I loved him so much more for his desire to make sure I was okay, but I just couldn't let him do that to himself.
When we reached the office, Jake put his arm around my shoulders again and led me inside.
Dr. May's office was a lot smaller than Dr. West's had been, and it seemed a lot more comfortable. The receptionist's desk sat in the far corner next to a huge fern-like plant. There was a small window behind the plant that let a little bit of light in. The receptionist looked up from a book and smiled at us.
"How can I help you today?" she asked.
"We have an appointment with Dr. May for Renesmee Masen," Jake said with a smile.
The lady nodded and wrote something in a ledger before she got up and opened a door to her right. I heard her voice but couldn't make out what she was saying. She turned back to us and smiled again.
"You can go on in."
Jake nodded his thanks and led me around the desk to the other room. The inside of the room looked more like a living room than an office. There was a pretty tan rug with a leaf design on it in the middle, and three large, cushiony chairs sat around it. There was also a couch, but it sat against the wall like it wasn't part of the set. There was a large window behind the couch that let a lot of the light in, and I noticed some heavy curtains that had been pulled back. I was relieved to see them and hoped Dr. May wouldn't be opposed to closing them for a while.
Jake's arm tightened around me, and I realized that I hadn't even acknowledged the doctor yet. I looked up and smiled at a man who looked in his early thirties with chocolate brown hair and a well-trimmed beard. His eyes were blue behind a pair of thick glasses. He smiled and held out his hand for me.
"Hi, you must be Renesmee. My name is Doctor Bruce May. How are you today?"
I shook his hand and smiled back. "I'm okay. This is my boyfriend, Jacob; is it okay if he stays with me?"
Jake's arm relaxed when the doctor nodded. "Of course; whatever makes you most comfortable. Why don't you have a seat, and we can begin."
Dr. May gestured to the chairs, but I really didn't want to be that far from Jake. I looked up at him. "Can we use the couch?"
Jake cast a glance over at the doctor and nodded. "I don't see why we couldn't." He turned to Dr. May. "She wants to use the couch."
Dr. May looked between us for a few seconds longer than necessary and nodded. "Sure; I'll just bring one of these chairs over there and that'll be just fine."
Jake nodded and led me to the couch. He stopped just before I could get in the path of the sunlight coming in. "Can we close the curtains?" he asked before I could. "She has photosensitivity."
Dr. May nodded. "Of course." He pulled the curtains together and turned on two of the lamps in the room.
We sat down, and I tried to get as close to Jake as possible before I leaned in and put my head on his shoulder. Dr. May sat down in front of us with a clipboard and a pen. "So, Renesmee. Tell me a little about yourself. Why are you seeking counseling?"
I licked my lips and reached out for Jake's hand that wasn't still around me. He gave it to me, and I held tightly as I decided what to say. "Um, well, I . . . " I looked up at Jake, not sure what to say. Do I start by telling him about my dad, my breakdowns, or just my age and general stuff?
Jake cleared his throat and squeezed my fingers. "We're not really sure what it is she needs help with. Her father passed away two years ago, and she's been unable to move on." His arm tightened around me again, and I stared at his fingers as I tried really hard to concentrate on this moment. The thought of telling someone else about my dad hurt so badly, though. Tears welled in my eyes, but I wasn't even sure why. I had known I'd have to talk about it. Why did it surprise me when it hurt?
"What exactly do you mean by unable to move on? And if you don't mind, I'd like her to answer."
Jake stiffened a little beside me. I sort of understood why Dr. May wanted me to answer, but I wasn't thrilled with it either. I just didn't know what to say.
I licked my lips again and tried to take a deep breath. I felt like my lungs were restricted; I couldn't get a deep enough breath.
"It hurts to think about him," I said quietly. "All the time."
Dr. May nodded again. "That's not abnormal. It's very normal to feel pain when we lose someone close to us."
Jake shook his head. "It's normal, but not for two years. I've known her a little over three months. She's gotten a lot better, but she can't do anything that reminds her of him. She can't even talk about him very much. If she does, she breaks down. She cries a lot."
It hurt in a strange way to hear Jake talk about my breakdowns like that. I turned my head to put my face on the sleeve of his shirt.
"Tell me more about these breakdowns. What exactly happens, and what brings them on?"
I sighed. Jacob started to answer. "It's generally thoughts ab―"
"I'm sorry. I don't mean to cut you off; however, I need to hear this from her. These are things occurring in her own mind, and I need to hear her firsthand account. Please, Renesmee, go ahead."
I looked up at Jacob, and he didn't seem pleased. I kissed his shoulder and squeezed his fingers before I turned to the doctor.
"Um, it's thoughts about him. Memories. Sometimes . . . Um, sometimes little things can trigger it. Like the other day, Jake gave me his phone to make a call, and I remembered so many things. It can be big things, too, like hearing his name or seeing someone that looks like him. My heart hurts, and I can't breathe." Even now, it was getting hard to breathe. I held Jake's hand tighter and told myself to just keep breathing.
"What were the circumstances of his death?"
I'd only ever talked about that once with Jake. I wasn't sure I could say it all again. I looked up and met Jake's eyes. He looked worried, and it made me wonder what he saw in mine.
I leaned my head on his shoulder again and closed my eyes. "We, um . . . We got into a fight." Memories of that day flooded my mind, and my chest started to get too heavy to breathe. My free hand grabbed the back of Jacob's shirt and held on firmly while my hand in his clenched tighter. "I left―" The words 'fuck you' and the look of pained surprise on my dad's face hurt so bad I couldn't finish my sentence. I couldn't breathe anymore. I realized that tears has already started to fall when moved my face and felt the wetness on Jake's sleeve. His arm was tight around me, but I could barely feel it. I tried so hard to keep myself together. I didn't want to fall apart like this. At the same time, some deeply-hidden part of me was happy for the tears and the weight and the pain. The dull-but-persistent pain I'd had when I got the junk mail seemed laughable now.
"This happens," Jake said. He sounded far away even though he was right under me. "Whenever she thinks about him. She left in the middle of a fight, then he went for a drive and got in an accident. She was called later that day to identify his body."
I wished so badly I could be at home with Jake on my couch. I didn't want a stranger to see me cry like this.
"Is it all memories, or only certain ones?" Dr. May's voice was distant, and I couldn't even be sure I heard the whole question.
I still remembered so vividly the empty look in my dad's eyes when I saw him at the hospital. Jake leaned in and kissed my head. "Could you give us a few minutes?" he asked.
"This is very important. In order to properly diagnose her, I need her to answer my question."
"Look at her," Jake said. His voice was harder; he was struggling to keep himself under control. "Does it look or sound like she's able to answer any questions? Give us a few minutes to let her calm down."
"It will be easier for me if I can see her breakdown firsthand." Even though I couldn't see the doctor, his voice sounded like a curious bystander trying to see the accident.
As out of it as I was, I could still tell the only thing keeping Jake in his seat was the fact that he would have to push me away to get up. I gripped his shirt and his hand harder, desperate to keep him right here. I needed him to hold me tighter.
"I will ask you nicely one last time, Doctor." Jake's voice was dripping with animosity. I hated that I couldn't keep myself together long enough to have just one consultation. "Leave us alone for a few minutes and let me calm her down."
I forced myself to take a few deep breaths, even though I still couldn't really feel them. Jake's hand was holding mine a little too tightly, but I clung to that slight pain as I tried to work my way back to normal.
"You have a lot of aggression, Jacob. Even though you made the appointment for her to come here, and you obviously agree that she needs to be seen, you won't let me do my job."
"Yes, I have a lot of fucking aggression. You're pissing me off. She needs to be treated, not observed and studied like a goddamn experiment. Either you haven't seen a lot of people with her type of issues, or you're just naturally an ass. Either way, I'm not going to let you do this to her."
I didn't want to talk to this man anymore, especially if he got on Jacob's nerves so much. If I wanted future sessions to be a success, it had to be someone we could both get along with.
"Do what to her exactly? I am trying to determine what she needs to be seen for."
"I'm not an idiot. I saw your face after she told you about her breakdowns; you know exactly what this is. You just wanted to see for yourself how bad it was."
"I'll admit that I'm curious. I have seen many patients with PTSD, but never with this severe a case from a mental trauma."
"What the hell is PTSD?" Jacob shifted his hold on me, pulling me on to his lap. It was getting easier to breathe and move, so I helped him and situated myself so I could put my face by his neck.
"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Those who are affected generally suffer from anxiety attacks when they encounter stimuli that remind them of the traumatic event. It is most common with car accidents, plane crashes, and other physically traumatic experiences, but it can happen with experiences that are mentally traumatic as well."
Jake looked down at me, and I moved so I could meet his eyes. "Are you okay?"
I nodded. "I think so." I sniffled and wiped my nose on my arm. Jake looked up for a second and reached out to get whatever the doctor had handed him. He gave me a box of tissue and smiled. I took it gratefully and kissed his cheek. "Thanks."
Jake just nodded and kissed my forehead. He turned his attention back to Dr. May. "So it can happen after someone dies?"
"Yes. Painful events affect every person differently. What may be traumatic to one person could be nothing to another. In her case, it seems the death was sudden and unexpected, which would be considered a distressing event to many people. How long does an episode usually last?"
An episode? Was I crazy now? I sniffled again and took a deep breath. "It depends. Anywhere from five to thirty minutes, I guess."
I looked over to see the doctor nodding. "Okay. And does it seem to be dependent on what triggers the episode?"
I nodded without saying anything else. I really wanted to go home. I looked up at Jake, and he kissed my lips.
"Do you think you'll be able to help her?"
"I can certainly do my best. I don't have any spots open for a full-time patient at the moment, but I will look through my calendar and see where I can fit you in. I'd like to learn more about these episodes and their triggers."
Jake pursed his lips but didn't say anything. He pushed my back gently, and I climbed off of him, standing up next to Dr. May. Jake stood up and held out his hand.
"It's been nice talking with you, Doctor. We do have other therapists we're looking in to, but I would appreciate it if you would check your calendar."
Dr. May shook Jake's hand, then he turned to me. "It's been a pleasure talking with you, Renesmee. I hope to see you again soon."
I tried hard to keep the bitterness out of my smile as I shook his hand and turned to Jake. If I had a say in it, I would not be coming back here.
We left to go back to my place for a few minutes before Jake had to go to Leah's. Jake turned to me before he stared the car. "I'm sorry, Ness. Are you okay?"
I nodded. "I'm okay. I don't know if I really like him, though."
He smirked. "I didn't. He's an ass, and I'm sorry about that. I really didn't think a therapist would push for a breakdown like that. But, I can say that I'm happy he seemed to know what's going on. It'll help a little when we talk to the other therapists."
I nodded again and leaned over for a kiss. Jake met me halfway and kissed my lips. When we got to my house, Jake came in and hugged me tightly. "You'll be okay?" he asked.
"I'll be fine. I'm probably going to read for a while. Maybe finish some laundry." I shrugged.
He nodded and kissed my forehead. As he started to pull away, his phone rang. His brow furrowed as he dug it out of his pocket. "Hey, Leah, what's up?" He turned slightly, and I just admired his neck, shoulders, and back for a minute. "No, I'm still here with her. Why?"
I raised an eyebrow. Was she asking about me?
"I can ask her, but—Okay, I just said I can ask her. Hang on." He turned to me and let the hand holding the phone drop down by his waist. "Leah wants to know if you'd like to go with me. I guess she wants to talk to you about something."
I licked my lips. I couldn't think of anything Leah could want to talk to me about. I did want to have more time with Jake, though, so I nodded. "Sure."
He nodded and kissed my head before he held the phone up again. "Yeah, she'll come. See you in few."
He hung up and put the phone in his pocket. "Well, I guess reading and laundry can wait. You ready?"
I smiled and took his hand. He kissed me one more time, and we left again.
A/N: Thank you for reading!