"What's wrong with you?"
"What?" Lily asked quickly, shaking out of her reverie. "Nothing's wrong with me. Why would something be wrong with me? What do you mean what's wrong with you?"
Sirius raised an amused eyebrow at her pitchy, frantic ramble. The two Gryffindors had been in the Common Room for an hour-Lily working on prefect stuff and Sirius mainly just serving as a distraction. The redhead had been twitchy and zoned out for the entire hour, randomly going into pensive moments of staring a hole through a points deduction sheet.
"Yeah, okay." he snorted.
"Just...ready for summer." Lily supplied with a huff, pulling her ponytail out of her hair. She flinched when her hand grazed the back of her neck. The same place someone else's hand had been only hours before.
"I'll pretend like I believe you for the sake of conversation." Sirius quipped. "Any summer plans?"
"I'll be in Cokeworth helping with the shop all summer. Gotta pay my dues since I avoid it all year, as Petunia so loves to remind me." She leaned under the small table to grab the House points sheets she was supposed to turn into McGonagall yesterday.
"But you love that flower shop."
"I do," Lily nodded, shuffling through the parchments. "But I get tired of the monotony."
"And the irony." Sirius grinned.
"And the irony," she sighed in agreement. "Is your name actually Lily or do they make you go by that when you work here?" She adopted her best posh impression.
Sirius barked in laughter. "I'm sure you smile politely and let them go about their day."
It was her turn to snort. "Right. Never any sarcasm."
"Lovely Lily."
"God, I hate that," Lily groaned, leaning back into the chair. "One more bloody year of Slughorn."
"You can't honestly say that Slughorn is the thing you most want to be short of." Sirius leered. "Uniforms? Curfews?"
"Like you ever follow either of those," Lily laughed, good-naturedly, clicking the Muggle pen she refused to give up and letting her eyes scan the first of the point deductions slips.
"You're adding extra points for Gryffindor, right?"
"I have a moral code, Sirius."
"So no more than a twenty-five point boost?"
"Thirty," Lily amended, with a small smile. "Now hush and let me deceive the Hogwarts faculty in peace and quiet."
'Deceive' was probably not an accurate term, though, because, as far as Lily knew, prefects from every House had been lying about points for decades. Points deducted by professors were well-managed for the most part, but even McGonagall had been known to cushion the Gryffindor tally on occasion. There was no way Dumbledore didn't know exactly what went on among the prefects and head students, yet the point calculations still remained in the delegation of the student leadership, so Lily assumed it wasn't that big of a deal.
"You're worse than Moony."
"Moony will be a bit incapacitated over the next couple days, so I'm soloing it." she said, sending a dark look toward the common room window. The waxing gibbous hung ominously against the inky black blanket of night, seeming to smirk at the teenagers as it hinted at what was to come for their friend in a couple nights.
Lily's eyes moved to Sirius, who was staring pensively out the window, eyes darkened in thought and pain.
"Have you…" she shifted in her seat, setting the pen down, "I mean...did you talk to them?"
Sirius blinked, turning back toward the redhead. "What?"
"You know," she sighed, "about going out there with them this time?"
Sirius released a dark bark of laughter. "Yeah, right."
"Sirius. They need you."
"I know they do. Your hero moment on Pete last month wasn't the first close call we've ever had out there, alright?" he bit back, before taking a deep breath and speaking quieter. "I don't want to poke the bear."
"Remus is-"
"That's exactly my point, Evans. Arguing about where I get to sleep or where I sit at breakfast is one thing. I can afford those battles. But this is Remus' thing, okay? It's his life. I don't want to turn it into the next episode of the Potter-Black showdown and risk his safety or anyone else's."
"But if you don't go, then they-"
"Then they will handle it like they have every other month this term." he said, with finality, though if you asked Lily...he was trying to convince himself more than her.
Lily was not at all appeased, but she knew stubbornness when she saw it. Any other day, she would try approaching James and attempt to convince him to allow Sirius to join them at full moon. But not after the broom closet rendezvous.
Not a chance.
So she shut her mouth and returned her gaze to the points sheets.
"Let's talk about uncomfortable subjects for you, Ginge." Sirius said, dryly. "Petunia. Go."
Lily finished the mental math and moved on to the next sheet. "No."
"So you get to push on my bruises, but I mention your sister and suddenly mum's the word?"
She sighed in frustration. "The wedding is next month. I'm not going. She won't be subjected to my freakishness. I won't be forced to watch her snog the walrus. Everyone is happy, happy, happy." Her hands shook in jazzy form to emphasise her excitement.
"But is everyone happy?" he pressed, leaning toward her over the tabletop.
"It doesn't matter, Sirius. You read the letter; she doesn't want me there." She redirected her gaze to the work in front of her.
"But," he pushed, gently taking the pen from her hand and laying it down on the table, "do you think you'll regret it years down the road?"
She fixed him with a tired gaze. "No."
"Try again."
She groaned. "Yes, okay? Are you happy? My big sister is getting married and I'm not invited. It bloody hurts to think about, but that is exactly why I'm not. Mary, Anna, and I have a big plan to get properly pissed at the Brodeurs' that evening. I'll drink my weight in firewhiskey, puke for a couple hours, and then take a sobering solution. That'll be that. Tuney will be Mrs. Vernon Dursley and I'll never see her again."
"That sounds like a good plan."
She grabbed for the pen aggressively. "I don't care if…" she snapped her neck back up to frown at him, "what did you just say?"
"It does," Sirius nodded, diplomatically, investigating his fingernails. "If you want to be a total wuss and just avoid your problems, then you should definitely do that. Get smashed. Eat, drink, be merry!"
"That's not fair," she scoffed.
Sirius rolled his eyes in condescension. "C'mon, Ginge. Go out with a bang."
It was Lily who set her own pen down this time, giving her full attention to Sirius. "What does that even mean?"
"Use that pretty head of yours, Evans." A grin split across his face. "Crash the wedding."
Lily snorted, derisively. "So she can spend the rest of her life hating me?"
"According to you...she already does." he pointed out. "So you can lay down and let her stomp on you with her overpriced heels and overweight fiance...or you can key into that Gryffindor heart and have some fun." His sneaky hand was slapped away once it got an inch from her heart (breast).
"I can't go to that wedding." she grumbled, retrieving the pen.
"Let me know when you change your mind."
"I'm going to finish these tallies and you're going to stop talking."
…
Two more bloody weeks until summer and he just had to ruin it.
Yes, this year had been weird, and yes, recent events had set his emotions to a more volatile firing rate, but he was so close to a three month break from this place and these people and her.
They were friends, dammit. She had said so herself a mere minute before his stupid mouth set on its target.
What kind of dick of a human was he, anyway? Jumping from their first ever mutual moment of understanding to liplock? Bloody hell, he was a prat.
If she hadn't been mad before, she sure as shite was now.
And her face when they pulled apart. Merlin, she looked like she was going to vomit and the fact that he was the source of that made him want to immediately jump off the Astronomy Tower.
"Hey, Prongs," Remus gave a casual chin-up as he came into the dorm. "No Quidditch?"
"Cancelled. Raining," he gestured toward the window.
Remus frowned. "Never stopped you before."
"Last week of practice. I'm feeling magnanimous."
"Uh huh," the werewolf said, slowly, throwing his bag onto his bed. "Well, anyway, Pete won't be back until after midnight because of detention...hey, wait a minute. Why aren't you at detention?"
"I'm uh...serving in a different manner."
Remus blinked. "Was that supposed to be a dirty joke?"
"What?"
"Are you like...trying to imply you're doing sexual favours for Dumbledore or McGon-"
"Bloody hell, NO!" James cried, a look of disgust ripping across his face.
"Okay, okay," Remus held his hands up in surrender. "You just haven't had any detention, while Sirius and Pete have alternated every morning and every night this week. Plus, didn't you say you were on super probation?"
"Don't worry about it," James shrugged him off, pulling at his tie.
Because how was he supposed to explain to his best mate that his 'punishment' was being chosen as Head Boy. The very position that Remus had been eyeing for six years now.
"I'm gonna shower and get to sleep. I'm absolutely knackered."
"Hey, I meant to ask you," Remus said around the piece of chocolate frog he had just thrown in his mouth. "Where were you at lunch today?"
James froze in the loo doorway. "What?" he said quickly.
"Well, Minnie held you after Transfiguration, but you never showed up."
"I was, er...talking with her for a while."
"Oh, all right," Remus said, shrugging off his shirt. "Well, you missed a fun scene."
James kept his back toward his friend, still attempting to neutralise his face.
"Ben Soares told Mary and Anna that he's asking Lily to Hogsmeade."
James whipped around. "What?"
"I know," Remus chuckled. "Guess you were right about that one afterall. The girls were freaking out, of course. Why do they do that, by the way? He's just a bloke asking a girl on a date. Why do they have to get all screechy and-"
James tuned his friend out as he strived to process this news. Ben Soares was going to ask out Lily Evans. Lily Evans who he had just almost kissed in a bleeding broom closet.
"Not gonna lie, mate, I kind of thought she was warming up to you a bit there." Remus clicked his teeth. "Rotten timing."
"Is she...is she going to say yes?" Jame sputtered.
Remus shrugged, clambering into his bed. "No clue. The girls seemed to think so."
"Kill me, Remus."
The werewolf laughed as he rolled toward the wall. "Sorry, Prongs. We all knew the day of Lily's orientation to the dating world of Hogwarts would come eventually."
"Kill. Me."
…
Why did he pull away?
Why did she want him to not pull away?
What the hell was going on?
She had read the same page of the points slip six times now and had still failed to absorb a single word. Her eyes danced mindlessly along the parchment as her mind worked up a frenzy.
James Potter. James Potter. James Potter.
God, why?
Where had these possibilities even come from? And was attaching the word 'possibilities' to them giving them too much credit? She certainly couldn't bring herself to use the word 'feeling.'
The connotations of that were far more complex and terrifying and irrational than she was willing to allow her mind to wander.
Besides, this was obviously a fluke. Fancy James Potter? Yeah, right. The boy was an absolute menace and she'd just as soon date a flobberworm. The almost-snog was purely hormonal. It wasn't him, so much as the environment. The room was small, she was exhausted, he had said some nice things, his eyes were the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen, he-
Oh, bloody hell.
…
The next 24 hours carried on without fanfare. James avoided Lily like dragonpox, but it wasn't honestly that difficult of a task, considering her own effort to put as much space as possible between the two.
Classes were uncomfortable and suffocating as he struggled to keep his eyes facing forward. His body continued to betray him, apparently unable to be content without gauging her emotions every few minutes. Luckily, she was better at coldness than him and her eyes never moved from the professor or her parchment.
Dagger to the bloody heart.
"That's er...that's enough for today." James called from his broom, rubbing at the sweat under his glasses. His airbound team members began their descent as he hovered for an extra moment, attempting to clear his head.
It had been a practice from hell. He couldn't stop thinking about the day before and how stupid he was. That had been projected onto his Quidditch playing with careless captaining and resulted in an injured seeker and exhausted team.
"Oi, McGuire," he shouted as he dismounted his own broom. The petite fifth year turned around, warily, holding her arm against her body. "Hold up." She waited dutifully.
He dropped his broom as he approached her. "Let me look at that arm."
"It's fine, Potter, I-"
"Let me see." he commanded, firmly.
She sighed and held out the bruised limb.
"Go see Harding and Pomfrey."
"No way!" she shouted, protectively pulling her arm back toward her body. "They'll bench me."
"I don't care. That looks terrible." He shook his head with authority before his face softened. "I'm sorry, by the way. I saw that you weren't covered and made you go for it anyway."
"It's all right." she said, softly, not dispelling the fact that it was entirely his fault. That made him feel so much better about the whole situation.
"Shower and go straight to the hospital wing, all right? I'll swing by in a bit to see what Harding says."
Aloe nodded and jogged off toward the locker tent. He watched her depart, swiping a furious hand through his hair. The last game of the year-Gryffindor versus Hufflepuff-was this Sunday. They had already played them once last term and it had been an easy victory, but if James continued captaining like he had for the last two hours, it would be close.
Gryffindor was in the lead for the House Cup, but losing to Hufflepuff would severely hurt their points and make way for Slytherin to sweep. James would impale himself on his Nimbus before he let himself be the reason Slytherin got any chance at the Cup.
He had almost made it toward the showers when he saw an ununiformed figure standing off to the side of the tent. He did a double take when he saw who the figure belonged to.
"Hey."
"Uh." James eloquently replied.
She grinned. "I saw the last few minutes of practice. You kinda suck, Potter."
He grimaced, sheepishly. "Not my best day." She continued to offer him a half-smile before he cleared his throat and ruffled his hair. "Listen, if you're here to see Aloe, she just went in to the showers. She'll probably be out in about fifteen minutes if you want to sit over there and-"
"James," Juniper stopped him. "I'm not looking for Aloe."
He blinked. "Oh, well, uh…"
"I wanted to talk to you for a quick minute, if that's okay?" she asked, an uncharacteristic timidness breaking through her usual easy grin.
"Yeah, sure," he walked over to her, and leaned against the wall next to her, "is...is everything okay?"
She nodded, silently, playing with the sleeve of her robe. "Yeah, everything's okay."
"All right," James said, sounding slightly relieved, "well then...how are you?"
June looked over at him and pulled a quick smile. "I'm...I'm good, thanks." Her shoulders dropped a bit as the tension dissipated in place of the familiarity of conversation with James Potter. "Only one more O.W.L."
"That's right!" he smiled, genuinely. "Charms, right?"
She nodded, enthusiastically.
"Oh, you'll ace it, for sure. Besides, Flitwick always gets soft and gives a few freebies on the written portion. You're golden."
"Thanks," she grinned. "I'm just ready for it to be over. What about you? Besides, apparently sucking at Quidditch...how have you been?"
He laughed, breathily. "It's been...a difficult couple of weeks."
"Lily." she said in understanding.
His head snapped toward her. "What?"
"Lily Evans," she continued, with furrowed eyebrows, as though what she was saying was the most obvious thing in the world. "She hasn't been doing so well since the...attack, right? I...I saw her getting sick in the loo after a prefect meeting one time." The witch cast her eyes toward her scuffed trainers, feeling guilty that she had witnessed the redhead's moment of emotion. "I heard that's a...pretty common occurrence."
James sighed, a strange mix of relief that she wasn't thinking what he was thinking and nausea that her words were true settling in his stomach. "Yeah, it's...taking some time."
And, apparently, snogging was the solution?
"That's expected," June shrugged. "I'm sure she's glad she has you."
"What?" he yelped again.
"You two are friends," she explained, slowly, frowning at James' jumpiness. "She needs people in her corner right now."
"Oh...right. Yeah, for sure." he replied quickly.
"Well, listen, I didn't come out here to just have a chinwag. I...I wanted to give you this." She withdrew a small mirror from her pocket.
"What?" James asked, incredulously. "No way! I should be giving you mine. Merlin, I should have done it weeks ago."
"No, I want you to keep both of them," she shook her head, pushing the glass into his hand.
"Junie, I can't take this from you. Your uncle made them. He-"
"My family has plenty of sets circulating. I'll get my hands on another pair someday, don't worry." she explained. "But I'm serious. I want you to have this. Please. It would really mean a lot to me."
"I…" he flipped the mirror around in his hand before looking up at her, "are you sure?"
"One hundred percent." she smiled.
"Thanks, June. You're amazing, do you know that?" And he meant it. How many other ex-girlfriends would manage this level of civility, much less be so generous?
"I do, but the affirmation helps." she quipped, cheekily.
"Come here, you prat," he laughed, pulling her in for a hug.
It felt good to be hugging Juniper again. Sure, the circumstances were very different. But it felt nice to know there was at least one relationship in his life he hadn't completely botched.
"Potter, did you-oh."
James and Juniper broke apart, turning to the new arrival. Anna Brodeur, still wearing her practice gear, stood frozen, icy blue eyes wide open.
"I'm so sorry, I didn't know that you-"
"It's fine, Brodeur," James interrupted, holding up a hand. "What's up?"
The witch's eyes flickered between James and June. "I just...wondered if you wanted us to lock the supply closet up or leave it for you…"
"You can go ahead and lock it. I'm just gonna shower up at the castle. Hey," he said suddenly, turning back toward Juniper, "are you headed back up or waiting for Aloe?"
"I know better than to wait for her to take a shower after Quidditch." she laughed. "I'm headed back."
"Brilliant. Walk with me?"
June smiled and nodded.
"Oh! Anna." he snapped his fingers, spinning back around. "I'm so sorry. Lock up and just leave the key under the bench, yeah? You flew great today, by the way. Sorry I wasn't helping you much."
"No problem, Cap. See you tomorrow," she all but squeaked, hurrying away from the two teenagers.
"Is she always so jumpy?" June inquired, cocking her head.
"Girls are weird," he joked, shouldering his broom. "Let's go."
...
"They're back together!" Anna breathlessly squealed as she swung open the door to the girls' dorm.
"What?" asked McCall who, though still withdrawn and to herself, had brightened a bit since Luke's letter from Olivia.
"James and Juniper," the small blonde heaved, leaning on the door for support.
"What did you just say?" Lily demanded, her head snapping up from the book she had been reading.
"James Potter and Juniper Alessio. I just saw them...down at the," she drew a laboured breath, "Quidditch pitch."
"No, they're not," Lily shook her head, furiously.
"Uh, I just saw them," Anna deadpanned.
Mary snorted from her corner of the room. "Well, did we actually expect Potter to remain celibate for longer than two weeks?"
Something in Lily's stomach twisted, violently.
"Maybe they were just talking," McCall suggested, quietly.
"Maybe," Anna agreed, with a shrug of her shoulders. "But they had the whole just got caught snogging thing going for them."
"S-snogging?" Lily sputtered, the space between her ears growing heavy and pressurised.
"Well, I didn't see it! But it sure was a touchy hug," the blonde whistled.
Lily felt her stomach give one particularly aggressive lurch and she barely managed to catapult herself into the bathroom before her dinner contents were released into the toilet. She kneeled on the bathroom floor for an extra moment, her energy completely spent.
"Lily?" Mary's voice called through the small lavatory. "Lils, are you alright?"
"Fine," the redhead managed, slapping at her cheeks to will some colour to return before she greeted her friend.
"Lily," Mary admonished, looking down at the defeated witch. She awkwardly folded her long legs beneath her and lowered herself to the floor next to Lily. "This can't keep happening."
Lily struggled to withhold a dark laugh. Sweet Mary thought this was the newest episode of Lily Evans' Post-Traumatic Stress Attacks. If only.
"I'm all right, really," the witch managed a smile. "Something at dinner just didn't sit right, I suppose."
"Have you...have you gone to Harding? Or even Mademoiselle Pomfrey? I went straight to her the other day for some Sobering Solution, and honest to Merlin, she was the cool-"
"I've talked to both of them." Lily shook her head, adjusting her body to be able to make eye contact with her friend...and not touch the toilet. "It's not treatable. Just something I've got to let...run its course, I guess."
"That's absolute rubbish."
"Yeah, well...the wizarding world isn't actually the most progressive," Lily laughed dryly.
"What…" Mary shifted uncomfortably before leaning closer to her friend. "If you don't mind me asking...what was it that triggered it...that time?"
Lily's stomach twisted with a new sensation: guilt. Her best mate wanted nothing more than to learn the ins and outs of Lily's anxiety so she could best control the environment that surrounded her friend. Truthfully, Lily could have easily lied to herself and went along with this reasoning. It made sense! She had had a particularly difficult time keeping meals down on a consistent basis ever since the attack. But, if she was being completely honest with herself...this wasn't that.
This was merely a hormonal, utterly girl reaction to James ruddy Potter and she'd be damned if she voiced that aloud.
"Like I said, just generic food poisoning."
"I don't believe you." Mary frowned.
"I know." Lily pulled a smile. "Help me up, yeah?"
…
Remus always snored loudest the couple of days leading up to the full moon.
When they were younger, the boys used to joke that the internal werewolf was being generous and allowing him to sleep extra hard in preparation for the rough night. After Peter, Sirius, and James succeeded in their Animagi transformations, they switched to joking that he was getting extra sleep for the other three.
As James listened to the rhythmic breathing of his friend, he allowed his mind to wander the lengths it had been longing to do all day.
What was he supposed to do about Lily?
He had really bungled that one up and he wasn't sure how to even begin repairing it. Talking to her seemed like a good start, but what the hell would he say? An apology seemed weak and misplaced, but anything else seemed equally insufficient.
As his thoughts bumped around in the little corner of his mind that was marked off for Lily Evans, he had to internally groan at the familiarity of it all. This battle had been going on for years and he was bloody tired of it.
In fact, he had finally reached a place of mediocrity and complacency. He knew that he'd never be over Lily Evans-maybe after Hogwarts, when he wasn't forced to watch her jade eyes and smell her vanilla shampoo and hear her infectious laugh. But he had learned how to compartmentalise the part of his being that needed to be near her far away from the more chilled-out normal part that could make conversation and poke light fun.
Until he had put his lips so damn close to hers.
Perhaps the most bothersome aspect of the situation was the fact that he felt so confined by it. He couldn't tell Remus; not this close to the full moon anyway. "Hey, mate, I know that your body is about to painfully transform into a raging beast, but would you mind holding off on that and listening to my girl problems?"
Peter, Merlin bless him, just wasn't the girl talk type. Much to James' horror, he'd been going fairly steady with a Hufflepuff bird for a couple months now, so it's not even as if he'd have the normal incentive to listen to James' rambles.
Which left Sirius.
There was a certain sting that came from knowing the wizard was asleep in the next bed over, but still further away than Beauxbatons. Not that he hadn't tried to be closer to James, of course. James just wasn't there yet. In all honesty, James wanted to forget the past and move on. It had been months, afterall, and even Remus had put the whole situation behind him.
Something about all of it just didn't sit right. Loyalty was the most important thing to James. It was the foundation of the Marauders and what they stood for and Sirius had broken that. He knew he was being dramatic and holding onto a grudge, but he just needed something concrete to end it for him. He couldn't do it himself.
He had tried.
…
"You look like you're feeling better today," Anna said, kindly, as the girls walked to breakfast the next morning.
Lily smiled. "I am."
"Bloody hell," Mary grabbed Lily's wrist pulling her to a stop. "Look at me," she demanded, forcefully gripping Lily's chin. "You're wearing make-up."
Lily shook her off with a groan. "It's just mascara, Mary. Don't piss yourself."
"But Lovely Lily doesn't wear mascara. She's too good for that."
"Shut up, Mary," Lily sighed. "I just looked a bit more tired than usual, okay? Thought the mascara may help."
Mary's face fell and her lips twitched in guilt. "Shite, Lils, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"
"It's fine," Lily held up a hand, walking ahead of her friends.
It was scary how easy it was to live a life of lies when you had already started.
…
"How are ya feelin', Moony?"
"Quiet, Peter," Remus hissed. "How many times do we have to tell you to shut up when we're around people?"
Peter's eyes widened in embarrassment. "Sorry!"
"It's fine, Pete," Remus shook his head, offering a consolatory smile. "Just...try to be mindful, yeah?" Peter nodded, furiously. "I'm feeling alright, though, thanks for asking. Tomorrow will be the worst of it."
James continued to stir his coffee, mindlessly, letting the light bickering of his mates pass through his mind. He hadn't seen Lily since their...conversation...and he wasn't looking forward to it.
"James, you moved Quidditch practice up, right?" Peter said, his voice in a breathy whisper this time.
"What?" James blinked. "Oh, yeah. I'll be ready by nine."
"You don't have to move practice around for me, James," Remus jumped in. "You don't have to do anything. I've told you a million times, I'll be-"
"And we've told you a million times, Moony. We're in this together. For better or for worse."
"How romantic," Mary snickered as she walked behind the boys to her own seat.
James immediately stiffened, shooting a glance at the tall girl to observe her company. He wasn't sure whether to feel regret or relief that Lily's figure had already walked past and not said anything to him.
Should he go over to her? Was she ignoring him on purpose? Was he supposed to ignore her?
Merlin, he was tired of this game.
"Morning, James, Remus, Peter!" a new voice called, sliding onto the seat next to him.
He turned, still blinking in confusion.
"Er, good morning...Juniper," Remus flailed. "How...how are you?"
"Great! There's bacon this morning!" she replied, brightly.
"Oh, bacon, yeah...yum." the werewolf nodded, numbly, before shooting a questioning glance at James. The bespectacled boy just shrugged in response.
"I hope it's okay I sat here," June said, suddenly, apparently just considering the implications of her choice. "Aloe slept in and there wasn't a spot with the other girls and so I…" she trailed off, nervously. "But I can move, seriously."
"It's fine," James smiled, warmly. "You're always welcome here."
She grinned before returning to her bacon.
...
"Told ya so," Anna sang, motioning down the table with her head as she poured a glass of water.
Lily stared at the couple, dumbstruck. They were broken up. He had told her himself. And from what she heard, the differences weren't something that would just disappear overnight!
Not to mention that he had almost kissed her.
"Pass the potatoes," Lily said, curtly.
"Lily?" a new voice sliced through her irritation.
"Ben!" she cheered with a huge grin, suddenly overtaken by a terrifying, flirty monster. "Sit, sit, sit!"
He looked hesitant for a moment, before a grin split across his face. "Okay, uh, hi. How are you?"
"I'm just swell! What about you?" she said, cheerily, continuing to load her plate as if the Ravenclaw always joined her for breakfast. Mary and Anna tried to catch her eyes but she deliberately kept her eyes on her plate.
"I'm doing well, thanks. Actually...I wanted to ask you something," his voice dropped a bit at the last part.
"I'm all ears!" Lily said, before erupting into an obnoxious giggle that echoed down the table. She was happy to see a certain pair of hazel eyes look away from Juniper Alessio at the sound.
"Well, this Saturday...it's the last Hogsmeade trip of the year. My last one ever, actually. And I wondered if you would...well I wondered if you wanted to go with me?"
"Like...on a daaaate?" she drawled, no real question intended. She didn't allow herself the normal rationale that would have told her to lower her voice.
His cheeks reddened. "Yeah, like...on a date."
She pretended to think for a moment, finding a certain, evil satisfaction out of his growing flush, before crying, "I'd love to!"
"Really?" his smile grew. "Oh, that's great!"
"I've been hoping you would ask." she smiled, sweetly, testing his personal space as she leaned in close.
The mascara hadn't been for him, but it seemed the original target was preoccupied, so Ben Soares would do. She batted her lashes a couple of times for good measure. If this was the one time she would wear make-up all year, she better get a damn good use out of it.
"I'll get with you later this week so we can make a plan," said Ben, obviously flustered.
"Can't wait!" Her cheeks were actually hurting from the plastic grin she had been wearing for the interaction.
As he left for his own table, she returned her gaze to her breakfast plate. A fist pound on the table forced her head back up, though. She was met by two pair of bright eyes.
"What the hell was that?"
"What?" Lily asked, defensively.
"Did you just...flirt?"
"Merlin's soggy arse, she did."
"I did not!" Lily cried, though she knew she wasn't convincing anyone.
"And she has a date!" Mary squealed.
…
A date. With Soares.
What deity did he royally screw over to be dealt this hand?
"June," James found himself suddenly saying.
"Mhmm?" she asked around her pumpkin juice.
"What are you doing Saturday?"
Remus and Peter's eyes widened.
"Saturday?" the witch frowned as she attempted to recall her schedule. "Nothing, I don't think."
"Come to Hogsmeade with me."
She froze with her juice glass at her lips for a moment before setting it down and slowly turning toward James. "C-come to...what?"
"Saturday. Hogsmeade."
Juniper swallowed. "I don't...I don't know if that's a good idea…"
"As friends," he amended quickly.
"Friends," she echoed, her eyebrows furrowed in concentration. "Friends. Yeah...okay. Are you...are you sure?"
"Absolutely." he replied, resolutely.
"Well...okay."
"Really?" he brightened.
"As friends," she reiterated with a tentative quip of her lips.
"As friends." he bobbed his head up and down with a smile, leaning over to kiss her cheek before he got up and sauntered out of the Great Hall. June blinked in surprise before turning toward the remaining boys who snapped their heads back to their breakfasts in silence.
…
"So seems like you decided to take my advice."
"Shut up, Sirius."
"What changed?"
"Shut up."
"Did he snog you or something?"
"Sirius." she hissed, whipping around to glare at him, dangerously. "I'm not talking about this with you."
He chuckled, unfazed by her aggression. "You seemed to want to talk about it earlier when you announced it to the whole bloody Great Hall. Oh, I'd just love to, Ben! A date! Oh joy! Can't wait to pick out my lipstick and curl my hair for you! Can we-HEY!" He yelped as he hit the floor, a result of Lily's tripping jinx.
"That was low, Evans."
"Leave me alone, Black."
Like she needed Sirius, of all people, reminding her of what a terrible person she was. She was going on a date with Ben Soares.
Ben Soares, who she had verbally proclaimed her disinterest in, not a mere two days ago.
"Hey, wait up," Sirius called, jogging to catch up with her in the corridor, brushing the dust from the floor off his trousers. "Why are your eyes black?"
"What?" she squinted at him in confusion.
"Your eyelashes or whatever," he gestured toward them. "They're all dark. I've never seen them like that before."
"What are you-oh." she shut her eyes in humiliation remembering the mascara she had impulsively applied in an effort to catch James' attention.
"And your skirt? Evans, don't take this the wrong way, but...is that from first year?"
Lily threw her head back and groaned, tugging at the skirt, which was, admittedly, significantly shorter than the ones she generally wore.
"Is that your boy-catching look?"
"What is your problem?" she spun around again to look at him, past the point of irritation.
"Nothing, just trying to figure out why you picked this Tuesday to play the part of the Hogwarts tart," he shrugged his shoulders.
The quip hit its mark. To her horror, Lily felt the familiar sting of tears in her eyes. She clamped her eyes shut and turned away hurrying down the hall away from him.
"Ginge, wait, I'm sorry! I didn't-"
She slammed the door of the prefect bathroom in his face.
…
"Sooo," Remus drawled, eyeing James from his place on the hospital cot.
James stood nearby, leaned against a filing cabinet with his hands in his pockets. "She should be back soon." He chanced a quick glance at his wristwatch.
"I'm not worried about the potion." Remus dismissed the comment, waiting for his friend to catch on. When the other wizard continued to scuff his trainers on the floor, Remus sighed. "Why didn't you tell us that you and Juniper were back together?"
"What?" James' head snapped up. "We're not."
"Okay," the werewolf said slowly. "I hoped you would say that. But why did you ask her to Hogsmeade?"
"It's just as friends." James explained.
"She seemed confused."
"We're newly friends."
"How new?"
"Last night."
"So you thought it would be a good idea to ask her on a date twelve hours later?"
"It's not a date," he defended, pushing off the cabinet. "Merlin, how long does it take to get some pepper-up?"
"Forget the potion, James. I'm just trying to understand what's going on with you."
"Nothing's going on!"
"Prongs," asserted Remus. "Super probation? Chewing out Sirius...again? Asking out Juniper?"
"I'm fine." James walked a few steps away, craning his head around toward Pomfrey's office. "Mademoiselle Pomfrey?"
Remus shook his head in defeat, heaving a deep breath. He had been friends with James long enough to know when the boy wasn't quite ready to be reaped on an issue. In the meantime, the werewolf would keep watering and pruning until the day when James decided James was ready to talk. He'd be ready to listen when that day came.
This is how it was being friends with James Potter. If you had asked Remus, James had been holding back some important matters for quite some time. But Remus was no stranger to wrestling his own monsters, so he generally chose to tread lightly when it came to pushing and probing at his friends for transparency.
…
"Hey."
Lily looked up from her parchment and smiled at Mary's figure entering the dorm room. "Oh, hey."
"You're not hiding, right?"
Lily frowned. "No?"
"Well, it's just that...you're supposed to be at Charms Club-"
"I have a lot of homework."
"-most of the profs stopped assigning work for the year-"
"It's the extra credit for Slughorn."
"-and you're revising in your...bed?"
"I wanted some peace and quiet."
"Lily," Mary snorted, falling onto the bed next to Lily, unconcerned with the various parchments and pages that she crumpled in her wake. "You've logged more hours in the library than the rest of the sixth-year class combined. It has all the peace and quiet you need and you know it."
Lily grabbed at a stray paper as it flitted to the ground, huffing in frustration. "I just wanted to work in here. Do I need to explain myself on that?"
"No," Mary said, airily. "But I was rather hoping you'd explain this." She rolled gracelessly onto her stomach, withdrawing a crumpled parchment from her waistband. "I was told to pass it along."
Lily's eyebrows furrowed as she took the folded parchment from her friend. She opened the large fold and let her eyes scan the perfect, cursive crawl.
Sorry.
-SB
Lily snorted, derisively, setting the paper in her lap. "Eloquent."
Mary grabbed for it and read with a crease across her pale forehead. "What is this about?"
"Did he give that to you?" Lily asked, dryly.
"Sirius? Yeah, but I figured it was some prank. Honestly, I was expecting it to explode on you or something."
"Thanks for looking out for me," Lily deadpanned, with a dry expression. "He's just apologising for being a prat."
"Does Black...do that?"
"Act like a prat?" Lily asked incredulously.
"Apologise," Mary rolled her eyes.
"He's not a completely rubbish person, you know," Lily defended him against her better judgement. "He's an idiot, but he's not...all bad."
Mary tilted her head, studying the other witch. "I believe you."
Lily blinked in surprise before pulling a smile. "He honestly reminds me of you sometimes. But only in the worst ways."
"Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves, Lovely." the taller witch chortled.
"Tell me something, Mary."
"Hmm?"
"Was I...was I a complete tart with Ben earlier?" she asked, self-consciousness and shame creeping into her questioning tone.
Mary pushed into a sitting position. "Lily, you've never even kissed a boy."
"I have-"
"Third year doesn't count. Especially not when it was an accident."
"It's not my fault Shelly Toomes had the same colour hair as me!"
"Lily," Mary chided. "I mean a real kiss. Where both parties are aware of the identity of the other person."
"Right."
"You're the farthest thing from a tart."
"But that's not what I meant. At breakfast, was I...was I being obnoxious?"
Mary's lips twitched as she took in her friend's earnest expression. "A little."
Lily groaned, shutting her eyes.
"But that's okay!" Mary continued. "You're seventeen, Lily! There is absolutely nothing wrong with a little shameless flirting now and again. And according to my calculations, you're…" she paused, squinting her eyes as if she were doing mental calculus (Lily withheld a snort at the idea of pureblood Mary MacDonald even attempting to define Muggle calculus), "seventeen years overdue."
"Mary!"
"I don't make the rules!" Mary laughed, throwing an arm around her friend. "Listen, it wasn't that bad, okay? I doubt anyone else in the Hall even noticed. Besides...it worked, didn't it?" She wiggled her eyebrows, suggestively.
Lily giggled, playfully pushing at her friend. "I guess."
"Oh, don't be modest, Lily Evans," Mary shrieked. "Ben Soares is fit."
"He is," Lily agreed, wistfully. "I just don't know if we really...click."
Mary laughed again. "Merlin, find a way to make that click happen. What I wouldn't give to-"
"What happened to Christmas Tree?"
"Tannenbaum is old news," Mary sighed, dramatically, leaning against the headboard. "I'm back on the prowl."
"You know, I hear that likening the dating experience to African safari animal predation is a real turn on these days."
"No coy comments from you, missy. I noticed that you stole my skirt today!"
Lily promptly shoved her own face into a pillow, praying for suffocation to be quick and painless.
…
Lily scurried down the stairs as quietly as she could, hoping the rest of Gryffindor would be asleep by now. She was only interested in speaking to one person, right now, and she didn't feel like dealing with an audience.
"Hi."
"I was starting to think I'd mussed things beyond repair."
"No," Lily said, folding her legs up under her as she joined Sirius on the maroon couch. "Not beyond repair."
He didn't pull his face from the fire, but his eyes slid to look at her sideways. "I'm sorry."
"I got the note."
The corners of his lips twitched upward. "Macdonald is good for something."
"She really dislikes you, y'know."
"We've got a weird history, Mary and I."
Lily frowned. "What does that mean?"
He chuckled, ignoring her inquiry. "I'm glad I didn't scare you off."
"I bet. I'm your only friend these days."
He laughed again, but not because her statement lacked any truth. "I think I forget sometimes that you're not just one of the lads."
"Thanks." she said dryly.
He pushed at her shoulder affectionately. "I mean, I get going with my little bits and forget to exercise self-control with my...crudeness."
"It's not the crudeness that bothers me, Sirius. It's the insinuations."
"I don't think you're a tart," he said quickly, shifting to finally look at her, fully. "I was just...being a git."
"You were," she nodded. "But...I was also acting like a tart."
He looked as if he were going to aggressively deny this claim, but stopped himself. His face shifted as he chose his words carefully. "Was that...are you really that smitten with Soares? Because I know what I said the other night, but honestly, Evans, I was kidding. He's a nice bloke, sure, but I kind of was starting to think that you-"
"Not for Ben." Lily said quietly, shaking her head.
It felt good to vocalise. She wasn't getting specific, of course, but she had spent the majority of the day devoting significant attention and worry to the matter of her maybe, possibly, potentially fancying James Potter. Verbalising this little admission felt like she was slowly releasing the air from an inflatable ball.
It wasn't sudden or complete, but it was still monumental and impactful.
Sirius' thin eyebrows bounced up to rest under his elegantly mussed curls. "Oh."
"I'm not…" she sighed, "I'm not going to elaborate anymore right now because it's too late and I am fairly sure I would regret it tomorrow."
"Alright," he said, slowly. "I can respect that."
Lily nodded, a tight lip smile of gratefulness on her lips. "I'm going to go back to bed now, but I just…" She pushed some hair behind her ears. "I accept your apology."
"I'll try to be less of a prat in the morning."
This pulled a more genuine, if not still tired, grin from the redhead. "Let's not expect the impossible, Black."
…
"James. Please come in." Albus Dumbledore smiled as the younger wizard tentatively stepped off the rotating staircase, thus entering the eclectic office of the Headmaster.
"I appreciate you lending me a few minutes of your time this evening in the midst of end-of-term examinations." he paused to peer over his half-moon spectacles. "Which I have no doubt you have spent many an hour revising for."
"Yes, sir, of course," James chuckled a bit sheepishly, his hand pulling at various locks of jet-black hair.
"Please, come in and have a seat. I regret that I can not offer you any sweets. My supply has been running dismally low for several days now and this morning saw the last of my licorice wands."
"That's all right, sir. I have to admit I prefer the chocolate ones anyway." James said, lowering himself into the oversized chair, facing Dumbledore.
"Noted for the future." the elder wizard smiled in a way that said ah yes, there will indeed be future meetings such as this. James hoped his own expression did not reveal, oh bloody hell, please no.
"Professor McGonagall informed me that she spoke to you a couple days ago."
"Briefly, sir. Yes."
"She added that you were...less than receptive."
He could have attempted a more genuine trial for shame, but Dumbledore already knew everything. "Professor, I'm still a bit confused on your choice."
"To make you Headboy?" James nodded. "Would I be wrong in ascertaining that you do not desire the position?"
"No offence, but...no."
Dumbledore chuckled. "Well, there's your answer."
James opened his mouth a couple of times like a fish, feeling more confused than ever.
"We provided the prefects with an interest form two weeks ago." Dumbledore continued, sweeping around his desk. He opened a dark wooden drawer and withdrew a clipboard. "We asked for any current sixth-year prefects to write their name if they were interested in the position of Headboy or Headgirl." He pushed the clipboard to James. "How many names are on that list?"
"Six, sir."
"Which names are missing?"
"Remus Lupin," James noticed immediately, feeling a sting at the frantically erased and heavily scratched out beginning of his best friend's name on the bottom of the list.
"Mr. Lupin has spoken with Professor McGonagall and has come to the conclusion that the position of Headboy would not be a desirable one for him." Dumbledore said sadly, noting James' fallen face. "If he had signed, I would have considered him as honestly as the next candidates." the wizard assured him. "It was his own choice to remove his name."
How very like Remus.
"I figured as much."
"Mr. Lupin will always be a leader, with or without a position of authority. Especially, I think, amongst his friends." Dumbledore winked. "Now, tell me...whatever name is missing from that list."
It didn't take long for James to say, "Lily Evans."
Dumbledore nodded, slowly.
James' head popped up, a frown playing at his lips. "But Lily has wanted Headgirl since first year. She's always blabbed on and on about-"
"Miss Evans has gone through some difficult circumstances recently, James," Dumbledore interrupted him. "I know I need not remind you of that."
"So because of...the attack," James managed to choke out, "she...she doesn't want it anymore?"
"It would appear so."
"But that's rubbish! She's ten times the leader any of these other girls are," he hit the clipboard for emphasis. "Professor, you have to talk to her! Her self-confidence, it's...it's not what is used to be, but she's just going through a tough spot. She'll be okay!"
"Will she?" Dumbledore tilted his head, curiously.
James sputtered. "Of course she will! She's...she's Lily!"
"James, your friend has gone through some extreme trauma in the past month. I think it is insensitive of us to assume she will fully recover without difficulty."
"I know that, Headmaster, but she has to. So many students look up to her and-"
"Do you?"
"W-what?" James paused, his eyes wide.
"Do you look up to her?" Dumbledore repeated calmly.
"I...well, that's really not my point, sir."
"James, indulge an old man. Do you consider her character to be admirable and above reproach?"
James hesitated for a moment, before setting his jaw. "Yes, sir, I do."
Dumbledore nodded, motioning for James to continue his little tirade. "I was merely curious. You may continue with what you were saying."
James shook his head quickly, regathering his momentum. "I just think that you should look beyond this list, Professor! These girls…" he took a moment to scan the list again, crinkling his nose in ungarnered distaste, "they're not who you want. But Lily...she's gentle and bold and compassionate and honest and hard-working and…" He trailed off noticing Dumbledore's small, curious smile.
"And?"
James felt his neck heat up in a flush. "I know it's not my place, sir, but I truly believe you should talk to Lily. I think she could be convinced. She wants this position...I know she wants this position!" He took a deep breath, before continuing seriously, "And, Professor, I think it would do a great deal of good for her own healing, too."
"Do you?" Dumbledore mused, not really intending it as a question. Suddenly, he looked to James with bright, pensieve eyes. "James, you said this decision is not your place."
James nodded, his own eyes growing wide in trepidation. "I'm sorry, sir, I know-"
"Could you be convinced to make it your place?"
"What?" the younger wizard fumbled.
"I am not going to talk to Miss Evans about Headgirl."
"Oh," James' head dropped to his lap in defeat. He sensed this was not the time to engage in a heated argument with his Headmaster.
"You are."
"Sir, I-"
"Now, if I am correct in my suspicions, and-forgive my vanity, James, but I generally am-you have a friend who needs you this evening. And the sun has begun to set."
James' eyes widened. "Professor-"
"Good night, Mr. Potter."
…
The nightmares had been particularly bad for the past week.
Mary, who had always joked about Lily's bed being more comfortable than her own, spent more time sharing a bed with the redhead than she did on her own mattress these days. The tiny twin was not at all conducive to supporting both of the teenagers, but they made it work.
Lily never asked for the company, of course, anyway. Mary took action on her own, after hearing screams and thrashing from behind her best mate's curtains. Pride would have generally forced Lily to refuse Mary's comfort and consolation, but when the tormented witch woke up with her friend's arms around her, she never did anything except scoot closer.
Safety.
It looked different every day, but Lily was happy to find it in any form she could.
Mary's sleeping arrangements in the midst of her nightmares, Remus' arm in the dark of the corridors during rounds, Anna's hand on her back as they walked by the Slytherin table in the Great Hall, Sirius' hasty wand withdrawals at the first word of ill intent toward Lily.
She had the most loyal of friends and that thought is what pushed her through each day, overcoming the fear and anxiety that so often liked to try and make residence in her being.
…
"You shouldn't be here."
"No offense, Prongs, but you're kind of useless without me."
James sighed, glancing up at the full moon as it settled into its peak place. "Yeah, I know," he said regretfully, "but after last time-"
"James." Peter placed a placating arm on his friend, under the cloak. "I'm fine, mate. Lily healed me up good and right, yeah?"
The taller boy flinched at the mention of the redhead, but his quick pace did not change. "If only the knot wasn't so damn tricky."
"I like the challenge. Makes me feel useful." Peter shrugged, momentarily tripping over a thick tree root.
"We're close. Try and not to break your leg for the next two minutes, yeah, Wormy?"
"Sod off," the pudgy boy rolled his eyes, good-naturedly, before grabbing James' arm again, this time, pulling the other wizard to a stop. "Oi," he whispered, "what was that?"
James' eyes crunched beneath his glasses. "I didn't hear anything."
"Someone's out here."
"Wormtail, it's pitch dark. What idiots besides us would be in the Forbidden Forest?" he slid the invisibility cloak off of their shoulders and scrunched it into a ball, shoving it into the satchel, along with his glasses. "I swear to Merlin, when I'm out of school, my first bit of good for this world will be to find a way to maintain accessories during Animagus transformations."
"Good Godric, you're a posh prat." Peter shook his head, still eyeing the clearing with trepidation, but slipping out of his jumper none-the-less.
"It just makes no sense," James whined, catching the knitted layer that Peter tossed to him. "You can transform back into your clothes, but suddenly your glasses are on the ground wherever you first changed? It's ridiculous."
"Your life is really hard, Prongs. I'm so sorry this tragedy has befallen you." His sarcasm was cut short as they heard a muffled, yet strong howl. Peter bit his lip, looking at his friend, with apprehension. "There he is."
James nodded, setting his jaw. "You ready?"
"Sure," Peter replied, sounding anything but. With a deep intake of breath, he sunk to the ground, a mustard rat left in his place.
James followed behind, transforming into a large, well-built stag. Almost immediately, the branches of the Willow stopped their violent fluctuations, allowing James and Peter to slide under the massive tree.
As the rat and stag exited the short tunnel leading into the Shrieking Shack, they were greeted by the vicious form of their friend. Their arrival interrupted his attempts to scratch through the cement walls-a task that he was dangerously closer to completing than he had been during first year. His snout stuck straight up in there, sniffing rapidly as he sought the source of the new scent.
Smelling familiarity, he turned around on his haunches, taking in the appearance of the rodent and buck. He bared his teeth, emitting a low growl.
Took you long enough, it clearly said.
James chuffed back. Calm down, impatient git.
And then the whining began, as it always did when the boys got into the Shack. Since their adventures on the grounds, Remus was no longer content to stay in the abandoned old structure.
No. He had to explore, had to roam, had to have more.
And the werewolf knew that the other beasts were his ticket out of there.
In fact, they had tried to keep him in the Shrieking Shack last week. Attempted to amuse and appease him for hours without leaving the small building, but Remus grew impatient and cross, becoming more and more violent with the way he played with James and Peter. The pawing became full blows and the playful nips became committed attempts at producing blood.
Peter had gotten scared after a particularly close call and slipped out of rat-form. Obviously, this had presented a new line of problems and James had just about died trying to get Pete out of the Shack and up to Lily in the castle.
This time, there was little option: they had to leave the Shack.
Come on, James swung his antler-laden head toward the tunnel, internally smiling at the comical way Remus' mangy tail wagged at the inclination.
He bounded ahead of James and Peter, having long memorised the location of the exit. James tried not to think too much about what this meant for the safety of Hogwarts.
Peter slipped ahead, pressing the knot from the inside. The three Marauders slipped out, easily, adjusting to the night air and cool ground. James lowered his head for Peter to climb atop, and just like that...they were off. Four powerful hooves and four more powerful paws beat the ground in time, racing and racing to the edge of the forest.
Away from the castle, away from the castle, away from the castle, James repeated to himself, desperately trying not to let the adrenaline overshadow the importance of safety.
These full moon nights were the best nights of the boys' lives. A certain stamina and endurance came with transforming into an animal, large or small. One could run faster, run longer, run harder.
Deadlines and classwork seemed to fade away. The war no longer seemed as imminent. Messy relationships disappeared entirely. It was just the soil, the moon, and those four boys.
Suddenly, Remus' massive figure froze, the hairs on the back of his thick neck standing straight up.
James slowed his own trot to a stop, feeling Peter shift nervously on top of his head.
The stag grunted at the wolf. What's the matter?
Instead of responding to James, the werewolf raised his head and released a blood-curdling howl. This was not the playful greeting normally offered to his friends.
Remus smelled human blood.
…
A/N: Things are about to get fuuuuun. If you have any predictions, please feel free to hit me up. Additionally, I wanted to comment on a couple topics discussed in this chapter which I hope I am presenting in a way that honours those similarly affected and does not disrespect or take importance from their pain.
Post-traumatic stress disorder is something that hits close to home for me and something I specifically wanted to include in this story, because it can affect youth and I do not think that is discussed enough today. If Lily were to encounter an attack like she did, it is incredibly likely that she would suffer from some degree of PTSD. The symptoms I am choosing to include are only those that I have been in close-contact with, firsthand. I am aware that PTSD and anxiety attacks look different for everyone and I ask that if anything I am including is upsetting or painful to you, that you reach out to me so we can further discuss and I can gain a better understanding of what you are feeling.
Also, as an aside: I know that both James and Lily act a bit petty/immature/manipulative in this chapter, but that is purposeful! We must keep in mind that they are teenagers and can be (unfortunately) susceptible to hormones. :)
As always, thank you for reading. I love you all, dearly.
xoxo
Abi