"Budge up, you."
"Oh hey….." eyes lighting up Olivia grabbed at the polystyrene cup, "… please God let this be coffee."
"Starting to feel like I wouldn't turn down something stronger. Yes, though, yeah it's coffee."
"The kids together?"
"Yeah, yeah and I think Eve is dangerously close to a nap so…."
"I always worry less when they're together. Sammy will look out for her. He's been a total rock the past forty eight hours; I honestly don't know what any one of us would've done without him."
"So I don't know if you're ready to hear this right now but I've tried protecting you from stuff before and usually it only….." holding his thought, and his breath, Elliot turned to his wife and said quietly, "… babe Johnny Arliss died about thirty minutes ago."
"Oh God…."
"I was talking to the consultant and he wanted us to be aware so that we could decide between us the best way to break it to Calvin when he wakes up. He's the only blood relative they can track down to notify."
"As if this whole thing wasn't already so God damn tragic those two boys are the only blood each other have."
"Blood isn't everything, Liv. It isn't anything sometimes….. " shrugged Elliot, reaching for her forearm and giving it a squeeze, "… we know that, right?"
"Right, you're right…." she smiled, a weight lifting. How did he always find a way to do that?
"I think that we're over the worst of it with Calvin from what the doctors are saying. I just asked them to give it to me straight and I feel like I've learned over the years to judge a liar when they're looking me in the eye. I think he's gonna pull through this and be just fine."
"Physically."
"Yeah, yeah I mean he's gonna survive getting shot at. You're kind of making that sound unimpressive…." he teased, and she indulged him a wry smirk.
"I just mean that there was a lot going on here, a lot happening for these kids even before. I don't know what the hell went down at that house but I don't question for a second what put Calvin there with a case of beer after what happened at our place."
"That fight with Evie was pretty epic. He left in a bad way."
"And he went home, El."
"Nah, no he…."
"Yes!" cried Olivia emphatically, lowering the coffee cup from her lips and pouring over Elliot's stricken face with her eyes. "I can't process this. I get it, I understand it. My logical mind can compute the facts and as a cop, as someone who will always bleed SVU blue I can see that every single one of these kids needs our help but…."
"But as Evie's mom you can't?" he offered, because he felt the exact same way.
"I can't wrap my heart around it."
"I'm in the exact same place. I love Calvin, in a way I never thought I'd love someone who wasn't my own. It was a slower burner, it wasn't easy and he's tested me in ways our kids never have but when we walked in on them fighting? When I knew he'd cheated on Evie with Texas I was heartbroken. I felt betrayed, let alone her."
"What do we do, Elliot?" she asked, shaking her head and closing her eyes. The momentary darkness her eyelids provided was comforting. "When he wakes up, and pray God he wakes up, where do we go from here?"
"I guess that's Evie's call not ours."
"She's my daughter and I'd give my life for her. I'd do anything to keep her safe, out of harm, to ensure her happiness."
"I know that you would, and so would I."
"But is it possible to do that, to be everything she needs me to be, to honour my job as her mother and…."
"And save Calvin too?" laughed Elliot, not because it was funny, but because it was either that or cry. He wasn't a crier.
"I think that I need to talk to Eve, and I think I need to do it before Cal wakes up."
"You okay?"
"Not really, are you?" asked Eve, rolling her thumbs around one another as she sat beside Calvin's bed. Her mother walked slowly across the room and managed a fraction of a smile.
"No, no not really."
"I keep replaying so many conversations in my head. I keep thinking about how cold I was with him lately. Whatever happened between the two of them I shouldn't have treated him that way."
"He shouldn't have treated you that way Evie."
"Mom?" said Eve quietly, as Olivia took an uneasy perch in the seat beside her. Her eyes settled on Calvin as he lay still unware in the bed in front of them and filled with emotion.
"Nothing changes what went before, sweetheart. Why do people do that? I remember it with my mother. People hated her, truly, disliked her on every level. She was hostile, selfish, uncaring and noncommittal. To the rare few who didn't know her very well she was charismatic, charming and so smart. Someone told me once that they loved to watch Serena hold court in any room she walked into. Anyone who stayed long enough realised they were just a hostage. Those same people came to her funeral and gushed, poured out platitudes, held me and told me how wonderful she was."
"I guess it's just a different perspective….." swallowed Eve, reaching out a trembling hand and laying it over her mother's, "… when something terrible and unexpected happens. Maybe its shock or maybe it's just the fear of losing…"
"You still get to be angry Evie. You still get to be mad as hell at him; you still get to feel hurt and confused. Loving him and wanting him to survive this and be just fine is not the same as forgetting everything that happened before the trigger was pulled."
"And are you angry, Mom?"
"You're my daughter, you're my baby girl…." replied Olivia simply, interlacing her fingers with Eve's, "… when he had you broken on the floor of our home I wanted to kill him myself."
"You don't mean that…." sighed Eve, shaking her head and smiling because even as she spoke Olivia's words dripped with adoration for Calvin despite it all. "You're just being my Mom."
"Always."
"But you know he needs you. You're his mother too and we have to all find our way here. Whatever happens between he and I you have to find a way to forgive him, okay? He was honest, right? That's something."
"Not honest enough, and not soon enough for me."
"He was confused, I guess. It's been so long with the two of them. I've been going over and over in my mind whether I knew even though I didn't know. If I'd seen it somehow, if I'd sensed something between them beyond friendship and honestly maybe I did, I don't know."
"What would you have happen next, if you could shape it?" asked Olivia, because she knew that was what she would throw her weight behind. "If you could choose what the future looks like, what comes after he wakes up and recovers from this?"
"Can I ask you a question before I answer that?"
"Sure, of course."
"Did you fight for him? For Dad I mean. After you knew that you loved him. After you knew he was in love with you too. Did you ask him to leave Cathy for you?"
"No."
"Did you want to?"
"Did I want him to leave her, or did I want to ask him to do it?"
"Both, the first one, either…."
"I was scared to ask. I was scared to be wrong. I had nothing and together they had everything. They were a family. He had kids and a marriage, he had a life. I had a tiny apartment and a job and zero clue whether what we had would actually survive in reality."
"Shit…."
"What?" said Olivia, watching Eve's face grey, "What is it Evie?"
"Texas….." said Eve, brow furrows and eyes locked on Olivia's in panic, "….where the hell is Tex?"
"Texas?"
"Hi."
"What's going on? Why aren't you at the hospital?"
"I…."
"Hey, here, come on, come in…." said Fin, grabbing for Texas' arm to steady her and holding it fast as they staggered into his home together. "Calvin he's…."
"I don't know. I didn't go there. I was with Johnny."
"You were, huh?" having had a basic run down of events initially from Elliot, and drip fed information via Sam since Fin was still piecing together the finer points of what had happened. "How's he doing?"
"I have to be honest with you Fin. You have the babies here, I didn't know that…."
"Yeah, yeah I'm watching them while they're all at the hospital. I'm taking them down there later so….." pausing, realising what she had said, Fin asked, "…honest with me about what, Tex?"
"I'm high right now."
"I see…." said Fin, taking painstaking care to retain a neutral expression. He refused to show an inch of disappointment or judgment of any kind. He knew just exactly what it had taken her to come here, and he wasn't about to see her alone in any of this.
"Cal has his family. He has Olivia and Elliot and Evie, his wife, right? Sammy's his best friend. I know how they might see it, I know how it could look. They don't know it, but I do, how it's what Calvin would've done. To stay with Johnny, I mean. Someone had to. There was no one else…." still standing in the doorway, Texas wrapped her fingers around Fin's wrist and met his eyes with her lingering brown stare, "… and no person should have to die alone. Not even that one."
"Wait so he…."
"Yeah, yeah he's gone."
"Do they know? Does Liv know?"
"What would she care?" said Texas, no spite or malice, just a genuine shrug of fact. "He did this, he caused this…." she spoke slowly, sadly, rocks in her pockets, "… and I helped him."
"Bullshit you did. You weren't at that house? You didn't open fire on the two of them, Jesus!"
"I brought him back here. I brought Johnny back to New York. I put him back in Calvin's life and I put myself back there. I dragged him back into a life he'd finally escaped and…."
"He's a big boy, Tex. You're giving yourself far too much credit….." mumbled Fin grimly, draping an arm around her and marching her toward the kitchen and a strong coffee, "… come on, you're staying here a while with me."
"You're awake! You're awake, you're you, you're really you!"
"Be freaky if I was someone else…"
"Oh babe, oh Calvin you have no idea!" cried Eve emphatically, grabbing at Calvin's face and painting it with kisses.
"You doin' alright there Bambi?"
"I thought you were…." squeezing her eyes closed, she held them tight, and then pinged them open and laughed awkwardly, "… forget that! You're okay! You gave us quite the scare for a while there though buddy!"
"I'm fine, I'm just fine…." worming his way a little further up the bed, wincing in pain as the bandage over his damaged shoulder moved, "… ow."
"Does it really hurt? They said it was pretty clean in and out, that it hasn't left any lasting damage. I mean thank God he only got your shoulder and not…."
"The jewels?"
"God I hate you so much for joking around right now!"
"You don't hate me Evie Grace…." flashing his old lopsided smile Calvin grabbed for her wrist, "… come here, come sit down, come sit with me."
"Cal let's not, I mean, it's so great you're awake but things are still…."
"What?" his face was blank, the perfect picture of obliviousness. "Did I do something to make you mad? Oh come on Evie, what chore did I miss? What did I do that a bullet to the chest doesn't get me out of, huh?"
"Shoulder."
"What?"
"Shoulder, not chest."
"Whatever."
"Calvin we had a fight, remember?" she tested, not wanting to put undue stress on his recovery, but equally needing for her own sanity to ascertain what was going on in his mind.
"We did?" he puzzled, "Well from the look on your face it was my fault, so I'm guessing I should just apologise now for whatever my bad was and…."
"Cal you…."
"So where are my two little nuggets, huh? When do I get to play the hero Dad and show them my war wound huh?"
"You really don't remember….." she murmured, almost inaudible, "… any of it?"
"Any of what?"
"I haven't managed to figure out where Texas is yet, she isn't here and I don't know…."
"She's probably tied up with Leni or something. I guess she's busy, that's cool. So yeah, like I said, are the kids here?"
"Yeah, yeah they're with my Mom…." she nodded brightly, possibility returning to her mind and heart, "… but are you sure you don't want to see Tex first?"
"Sure, sure I'm sure…." he nodded, holding her hand still tighter and smiling calmly, "… I can see here anytime, right?"
"Right."
"Evie? You okay?"
"I'm gonna go get the babies now…." she said, holding her breath without realising it. Once out the room she let go, of the breath in her lungs and the tears in her throat. She would've given anything five minutes ago for him to have woken up and it all have been a bad dream, and yet somehow the reality of that was more of a nightmare than she could've imagined.
"You're pretty hard to track down."
"What are you doing here?"
"Wow, okay, good to see you too Tex…." sighed Eve, heaving herself up onto the barstool beside her friend and setting her purse down with a thud. "I thought you might be even slightly curious to know how Cal is after….."
"That isn't fair…." said Texas, flinching "… is he?"
"Awake, and doing great."
"Oh, oh that's….." swallowing, struggling over the right word Texas tested one that sounded foreign on her tongue, "… wonderful."
"What're you doing here?" asked Eve, cutting clean through any tension like a knife through butter and refusing to acknowledge it. She may be mindful to show her mother's compassion but she carried Elliot's distaste for insincerity close to her heart, "I mean unless this is the world's first dry bar and that's lemonade you're nursing there then….."
"What are you doing here Evie?" deflected Texas, swilling the ice cubes in her glass morosely. "I mean I don't care, you're shiny, and you're nice. You're not the worst person to hang out with. I'm not being unwelcoming. I just figure you should be with Cal right now, eh?"
"Actually I…."
"¡Oh Dios mío! ¿Qué pasa?" swallowing hard, almost choking on her vodka Texas eyes filled with the kind of abject terror Evie had only witness a few times in her life. Deep and black, bottomless, ever giving of love despite rejection Texas' eyes were wide as an owl's as she stumbled, "Were you lying before? Is he not doing great? Is he damaged? Did he wake up weird? Is he….."
"No! No, God! Oh no, no I'm sorry that's not what I…." heaving a sigh Eve stopped herself. After several deep breaths she began again, "Tex you gotta sober up for good this time, we've got to get you out of here and home to Fin's and you need to get your shit together."
"Don't say shit…." that what Calvin would've said, that's what he always said, and somehow where it ought to have hurt, where it ought to have angered Eve it just made her smile.
The two women shared a moment, fleeting but tender, where they smiled at one another from opposite sides of what was becoming an increasingly difficult triangle of souls.
"I love Calvin."
"I know you do, mija, and he…."
"No, no please, let me talk for a minute?"
"Okay, okay, one second…." nodded Texas, gesturing to the bar tender. "Hi, hi could I just get a water please? As big as you can?"
"Water?" asked Eve, a little surprised.
"You look like you need this before you say whatever it is you're about to say…." replied Texas, catching Eve's look of disgust and delivering her trademark pitch perfect cackle. "Oh you're face right now is priceless, mija! You'd be a horrid poker player. Relax, I didn't touch it."
"You didn't?" by gosh she was beautiful when she smiled, thought Texas, her heart swelling with a confusion of emotions she was ill equipped to decipher. She had come to love Evie, and there were moments where that was almost as hard as giving Calvin up. "You didn't drink at all?"
"I stole a big hit of morphine from a dying man this morning, honey. So don't get too excited, don't give me any credit, I'm still in the gutter, Evie."
"I heard about Johnny…." said Eve, reaching for the untouched vodka and necking it with only a slight shiver at the aftertaste. "But I don't want to talk about him right now; I want to talk about you. I want to talk about you and Calvin, that's why I came here."
"Evie I…."
"Shut up I'm not done yet. I came here because you need to know something, because if you knew the truth then you wouldn't be here alone in a bar you'd be down at the hospital with Cal and…."
"Knew what?"
"The night of the shooting he and I had a fight. He told me how things weren't right with us, and how he couldn't do it anymore. Our marriage, that is. How it didn't feel right and he couldn't make it feel right, not the way it used to be. We fought, and he left, and now here we are…."
"I'm sorry Evie, truly I am, I…." guilt, shame and remorse washed over Texas in a wave of nausea so powerful that she lost her grip on words for a moment. Finally recapturing herself she repeated at a murmur, "I am so, so very sorry."
"He doesn't seem to remember anything about that night. Things were pretty normal today, he started talking about coming home and the twins and its fine. Its fine until it isn't fine anymore, not really, because it isn't real. Once the painkillers wear off, once the adrenalin of getting shot at fades and his mind clears and he remembers everything and he feels everything he felt that night…."
"Oh Evie…."
"You have to go see him Texas."
"I don't know…." hesitant, thick black brows furrowing over a face that was jaded but still striking Texas shook her head. "I'm not so sure that's a good idea. That can't be what you want? Not really?"
"No, not really. That doesn't mean it isn't the right thing though. I could keep it up, the pretending, and the ignoring it all. It's only temporary though, it's only a matter of time before the cracks start to show again. You can paint over them but it's all still under there….." turning her head, lifting her butterfly lashes Evie sighed, "… you're still under there."
"I don't know what to say."
"I don't like any of this; in fact I hate it, all of it. My marriage is falling apart, my family is crumbling but I can't rebuild it on a lie. I can't live every day holding my breath and hoping he never remembers that he told the truth for the first time in a fucking long time that night, and he went looking for you. He went back to the last place he was with you. He is in love with you Texas."
"I am so, so sorry…."
"I know you are…." sniffed Eve, her masque slipping as she brought a shaky hand to her face and choked, "… and that just makes it a million times worse, a million times harder."
"I can walk away."
"What?" a sniff became a snort that Eve almost choked on as she shot her gaze back up to her friend.
"I will walk away Evie, I swear to you. I will walk away and I will never contact any of you again."
"That's crazy, that's…."
"I can live upstate someplace. I only get Leni on weekends and some holidays anyway and she can visit me there. I don't have to be in the city right now, maybe ever, I can talk to Gil and Nick. I can work something out."
"You're serious, aren't you?" staggered, realising she was considering the possibility, Eve fell silent. Texas was absolutely serious, and it made it profoundly difficult to make her the devil.
"I never meant for this. I was his friend, his best friend. I never meant to resurrect anything. I know that's what people always say, I know that's a cliché, to say that it just happened. I don't know how else to explain it, other than to say it was just there. Maybe it never went away, but it was one kiss. It was one stupid, stupid kiss in jail and we were very emotional and I was not in a good place and I had no idea it would cause….." shrugging, feeling entirely helpless Texas squeaked, "… this."
"I actually think I believe you."
"He didn't either, Evie. This wasn't an affair, please know that. It never went beyond a kiss. He might have been confused, he might have not been completely honest about what he was feeling I don't know. I just know that he's a good man, he's a good person and I couldn't live with myself if you stopped believing that."
"Don't walk away."
"I…."
"You haven't walked away from that boy a day in your life Texas…." she was crying now, but she didn't care, "… don't start now. It'd break his heart."
"But Evie…."
"I don't know what happens next. I don't know anything at all anymore. I don't know what we do, what tomorrow looks like let alone anything after that. All I do know is that you need to go see him. You need to go to the hospital and talk to Calvin. The two of you need to have a conversation."
"This doesn't feel right, how can this ever be right?"
"I don't know."
"I'm not sure it can."
"Do you love him?"
"Yeah, yeah of course I…."
"But he's in love with you Texas, are you in love with him too?" asked Eve, and the answer came from Texas' eyes. Climbing down from her stool Eve lifted her purse from the bar, lay a hand lightly on Texas' shoulder and said, "Then in that case how can it be wrong?"