Thoughts: Kiss or Kill

Disclaimer: If Mai-HiME was mine, the love triangle in the manga would've never happened.

"Nina Viola."

Natsuki turned around, a basketball held firmly in her hands, her sneakers squeaking on the slick flooring. The said girl had her hair up in a pony-tail, secured by a white cotton scrunchie. Her uniform hung loosely on her, a sign that she had not been perspiring.

A few days had passed since the debacle at the library. Personal opinions aside, she assisted the drama club every day after school. Her artsy task was seriously draining on her mental stamina, but she felt an odd sense of accomplishment whenever she completed a background. It was… to say… entertaining.

"Yes, Mrs. Blythe?" Slender digits squeezed the lumpy ball that was still within her grasp.

"Maya. Call me Maya. I'm not married." The voice replied flatly.

"Uh…" That took the agent by surprise, and she became unsure of what to say.

Maya sized up her student. She was no fool. The girl was clearly hiding her athletic abilities. It was not as if she could not understand though—being better than your peers meant being put on a pedestal. Associated with such pedestal was, of course, fame, but there was also an inescapable loneliness. However, her student had talent, and Maya was not about to let it wither.

"So I heard you're in the drama club now."

Natsuki kept her face neutral but felt uncomfortable under her instructor's scrutiny.

Did I do something wrong…? No, I don't remember doing anything—well, I guess for a while now she's had this pissed off look to her.

The younger girl answered carefully. "Actually… I'm only assisting them with the upcoming festival."

"Oh?" There was a hint of surprise. She stared at 'Nina' who stood stiffly and guarded. "Walk with me, Viola."

"O-okay." Settling the ball down by her feet, the wary agent clapped the dust off her hands. Seeing that her instructor was already a ways ahead of her, she picked up her pace, jogging lightly before falling in line behind the older woman.

x – x – x – x

It appeared that tanned blonde's destination was her office. It was an austere room with certificates hanging on dull white walls, lit by a fluorescent white light. There was a tall white cabinet, which beyond its pristinely cleaned glass were many trophies, medals, and plaques. The only other adornment in the office, besides the two chairs, was a grey table, which on top held scattered papers and an old laptop.

Without a word, Maya simply went to her seat behind the desk and sat down. At the gesture for her to take a seat as well, Natsuki padded over to the chair in front of the desk, pulling it out gently to prevent scratching the floor. Then, she sat at attention, her feet planted on the ground.

A moment passed, where the blonde had crossed her arms and chose to stare critically at the younger girl.

"So… uh, Mrs—" She saw the glower and quickly amended the title. "M-Maya. What are we—I mean was there something you wished to discuss with me, ma'am?"

The agent put on a patient façade; her lithe digits were interlaced as they lay on her lap.

Maya had an unreadable expression. Slowly, the woman unfolded her arms and tapped a finger on the desk. She pointed out. "I'll put this bluntly, Viola. I know who you are."

At this, 'Nina' physically stiffened, tightening her interlocked hands. Her thigh was clenched as she lifted the ball of her foot; her other leg shifted slightly. She was ready to bolt into action. Immediately, her brain processed possible scenarios. Her trained eyes scanned for impromptu weapons such as pens or something light and sturdy.

Unknowing of the alarm she had caused her student, the instructor continued. "I understand wanting to hide. I've been there myself."

The agent let her tone drop to a temperature akin to solidified water but kept her expression neutral. "I'm… not quite sure I understand what you mean, ma'am."

The athletics teacher leaned forward with a palm resting on the table as she leveled a look at her student. "Did you seriously believe no one would find out?"

Her teeth were pressed together; a vein on her neck pulsed. The young agent lifted her head slightly and repeated her words. "What do you mean?"

"Don't play dumb with me. You're clearly more athletic than you let on to be." The words were snappy, laced with annoyance.

"Are you an enemy or a friend?" It was an immediate retort.

This caused Maya to blink. She replied evenly. "I'm neither."

Needless to say, the pair was not having a progressing conversation. Watching 'Nina's' guarded demeanor caused Maya to slump in her seat. She let out dejectedly, "Look kid. I just don't want you to waste your talents. Come join my track team. I can't be sure you'll find a rival who matches you, but I can't let you just waste your talents."

Huh… wait…

The agent scrunched her brows. She tilted her head slightly. Her lips suddenly felt dry. "You… want me… to join your track team?"

Maya added for emphasis. "Yes. Join the track team. We need someone like you. With you, the nationals won't be a dream."

Natsuki relaxed faintly, leaning back into her chair, the plastic support bending to support the weight. She considered Maya's words, replaying the scenario in her mind. It had been a misunderstanding. She sensed her instructor was sincere. Maya Blythe believed her to be a girl hiding her talents. And yes, she was hiding.

But not for those reasons…

She bit the left side of her inner cheek lightly. She stared at her clenched hands, rubbing a thumb across the other one, feeling the slight resistance of her ridged digit across the smooth skin. Her lips parted, and she asked softly.

"… What did you mean when you said you've been there yourself?"

There was a creaking in the chair as Maya turned her body. She motioned with a jerk of her thumb. "You see those trophies back there? Those aren't the students'; they're mine."

The chair turned back to face the navy-haired girl. "When I was young like you I had hid my talents too. I was afraid of not being normal. I was afraid I would lose my friends. But in the end I did it. I got into sports. I earned trophies. I earned fame."

There was a pause.

"But yes I did lose my friends… but in return, I gained rivals. People who strove to succeed just like me."

Natsuki took in her words. Her conflicting emotions were akin to overcast skies that could either break into a sunlit moment or a rain-drenched storm. It was confusing. Something lurched in her heart, pulling a string, ringing a dissonant note.

If… if the agent… this role within her life never existed, would she have been as talented in Maya's eyes? Talent. It was a word she had never liked. It was word that destroyed the wills of countless people, replacing it with an unscalable wall known as self-doubt.

Hard work.

She liked that word much more. However, she understood reality. Talent was there. It existed. But for her…

Are my abilities simply the result of talent or because of hard work…?

She'd like to think it was both. Then, if it was so… if she were a normal student… would this conversation with Maya still occur? Would she have joined the track team even if it meant losing her status as a normal girl?

She shook the thought. Then, she recollected Maya's words bitterly.

"I was afraid of not being normal."

Ha. I was never normal to begin with. And there's nothing I'm afraid of.

The scene of her previous mission drifted into her mind. She remembered the man who begged for his life, his entire body trembling in fear as he whimpered out those cowardly words in broken English. Fear… was destructive. Fear belonged to the weak.

I'm. Not. Weak.

Suddenly, her thoughts were interrupted by the bell.

"Shit. It looks like we'll have to continue this conversation another time, Viola." The tanned blonde's irritated voice rang in her head.

Natsuki got up from her seat, her hand clenching hard on the arms of the chair as she slowly pushed herself upright. Yet, such nuances were hidden from Maya's view due to proximity of the desk. The agent responded politely, not a hint of her prior thoughts haunting the vowels of her words.

"Actually… Maya. Thank you for the offer, but I'll have to refuse." She continued after a pause. "As the vice president, I gave my word to assist the drama club with their new play. Until that's finished I don't want to consider anything else."

"Alright, I can understand that." Maya seemed to accept the compromise.

Bowing to take her leave Natsuki opened the door and jogged to the changing room, her necklace swaying every step of the way. Yanking the door open, she was met with a group of girls changing out of their uniforms. She made her way to her locker. Yukino looked at her in greeting with a hint of blush on her cheeks before resuming the task of pulling off her gym shorts.

Screwing in the combination, she took off the lock and set it down on the lacquered wooden bench behind her. Then, pushing her fingers into the groove of her locker, she caused the metal door to loosen and open.

She dipped forward to grab her day uniform, but unexpectedly her body slumped forward, bending at an angle, hiding her visage from everyone in the room. Then… she fell into a fit of laughter.

"Hahahah..." She clutched her stomach with her free hand, the other one still gripped onto the locker door.

"… Nina? Nina? A-Are you okay?" Words filled with worry echoed in her eardrums; it was Yukino's voice.

The navy-haired girl continued to laugh, her back vibrating with each chuckle. Other girls within her vicinity seemed to have stopped their movements now, some holding their shirt in front of their topless body, as they stared at the laughing figure.

It was absurd. The situation earlier was a joke. She laughed in relief… at the fact that her cover had not been exposed. She laughed at her ridiculous suspicions. She laughed at Maya's nonsensical words. She laughed at the reality—her reality as an agent and how different her life was from the ordinary.

Her heart ached. There was an indescribable sadness, though she was supposed to feel relieved. She could not comprehend those emotions. Letting out her last chuckles, 'Nina' waved her 'older sister' off. "No, it's nothing. I was just thinking about the joke I just heard."

"Um… okay." The freckled girl said doubtfully. "By the way, I saw Mrs. Blythe calling you into her office. Are you sure everything is okay?"

Resuming her upright position now, a slender hand pulled off the white scrunchie, releasing bound blueberry tresses out of their confines. Casually pulling out her day uniform, she set the items down on the bench behind her. Turning her head, Natsuki replied, "Everything's fine. Mrs. Blythe was just asking me a few questions."

Yukino was curious about the details, but it didn't appear that her little sister would divulge the details to her. Deciding to trust Nina's words, she said. "Oh, okay."

That ended the conversation, and the two sisters got changed.

x – x – x – x

The day ended without more surprises.

Now, clad in a pair of dark blue skinny jeans and a white hoodie, she made her way to the library. In a hand, she held a black Moleskine notebook and a fine tipped pen. Her footfalls showed her determined will; she had a speech to write.

Pushing open thick wooden doors, the echoes of her action reverberated in her eardrums as she made her to her usual seating area. Plopping down, the cushion depressed to accommodate the new weight, and she grimly opened the notebook, staring at the blank pages.

A minute passed.

She exhaled an audible breath, invisible to her surroundings and quickly mixing with the atmosphere. Leaning her cheek on a propped up arm, she spun the pen in her right hand in counter-clockwise circles; it twirled with clicks and clacks as the inside parts were shaken within its thin lengthy cage.

She tapped the back of the writing instrument against the paper; its rhythm was uniform like a metronome. Nothing came to mind.

Moving her gaze towards better scenery, she stared lazily at one of the bookcases and decided it would be fun to count how many books it held.

Partway into her newfound hobby (after a count of 49 books), she allowed her mind to drift elsewhere. An idle hand pulling out the item that was on her mind, she closely examined it. It appeared emblazoned in bright chrome due to the illuminations; yet, if she were to grant it a justifiable descriptor, she would say it was icy. It seemed cold; it felt cold.

She bounced it on her hand, feeling the weight. Brushing her thumb across the gem, she once again felt the two minute indentations.

This made her curious. She wondered about her… her grande soeur's gem. Did hers have the same design?

… Crap! Ugh, I'm going to go crazy! Why is a simple speech so hard to write?

Then, she dropped her pen and proceeded to rub her eyes, before refocusing on her task. Just then, the doors gradually opened, but nonetheless snapping the agent's eyes to the source of the noise.

She recognized the figure as Fumi. Behind the head maid was a butler, holding a fairly large cardboard box. Citrus globes watched as the pink curled maid and the butler bowed at her. In response, 'Nina' motioned to stand up; a pair of deft hands gripped on the sides of the chair as her legs pushed the seat back.

"Nina-sama, there is a package for you." Her words were polite and informational.

Natsuki padded over to the pair, a hint of excitement tingeing her steps. "Great, I was wondering when it would arrive."

She had asked Yamada to ship the items to the Viola abode, since there was nothing to hide. Certainly, her extracurricular activities didn't leave her much time to pick up the package either. She stole a glance at the box; it appeared to be unopened. Regardless, the box must've been through countless scanners before making its way to her. Any high-paid security team would've at least had the brain to assume for harassment or assassination attempts.

She made eye contact with the butler, who immediately dipped his head in respect, awaiting the lady's words. "Please take it take it to my room, Wilson." The said butler bowed and a masculine tone replied, "Of course." With grace, the man turned on his heels and carried the box away, his leather heels clacking mutely against the carpets.

Likewise, the maid bent forward as well. Yet, just as Fumi was about to turn to leave, the navy-haired girl called out. "Wait." It wasn't a command; there was an ounce of desperation, but it was not detected.

The older woman repositioned her stature, giving full attention to her master. "Yes, Nina-sama?"

That was when 'Nina' shifted her stance as if uncomfortable with a certain prospect. Subconsciously, the hand at her side began patting against her jeans.

"I… I need your help with something." Natsuki let out hesitantly.

In the past and even now, she was a woman full of pride—never to ask for anyone's help. However, a part of her understood that now was the time; her notebook was just as empty as before. Swallowing her stubbornness, she judged it safe to ask Fumi, the ever kind maid, for her assistance.

"Yes, of course. Is there anything I could be of assistance?" The maid voiced worriedly.

Natsuki interlaced her hands. Though she had made up her mind, asking someone for a favor was still new to her. "Um… I was… uh…" She trailed off.

Fumi, ever trained in all domestic matters, carefully observed the psychological well-being of her master. She shifted her olive globes discretely towards the large table behind the younger girl and observed an open notebook with nothing written in it.

"… Does Nina-sama require assistance with her writing?" Fumi suggested gently.

Sensing an escape, the agent blurted. "Ah! Yeah. My speech. I-I'm having trouble writing it." She visibly relaxed, glad the hardest words were spoken now.

Fumi clapped her hands in acknowledgement. "Oh, is this for Nina-sama's greeting speech?"

The girl nodded.

As the pair made their way to the table, Natsuki took the chance to level a glare at the empty notebook. Grazing her fingers along the table top before stopping, she said. "I've been trying to write… something—anything, but nothing comes to mind… Here, sit with me."

The agent pulled a chair and sat down. She glanced up at the maid who seemed hesitant. "Fumi." The voice held a hint of annoyance. "Just sit. You can't expect me to be comfortable with you helping me while standing up."

The pink haired woman parted her lips to object, but the agent waved her off. "Sit." Finality was in the word.

With another bow, Fumi pulled out a seat and sat down, her hand sweeping out the length of her dress to prevent wrinkles. She placed her hands neatly on her laps. There was a silence. "… Does Nina-sama have anything in mind?"

The agent furrowed her brows, unknowingly pouting in the process. "I… I'm not sure. I've been sitting every day after school… even during lunch I—" Realizing she was about to fall into a rant, she clamped down her jaw.

Fumi supressed a chuckle; a good maid would never laugh at her master's cute antics. "Well…" The maid began. "Perhaps we can start with some brainstorming… like write down feelings—or words, anything on Nina-sama's mind." She saw the navy-haired girl had already picked up her pen and was quickly scribbling into her notebook. Fumi smiled.

x – x – x – x

She reached a block, but she had made progress.

Well, anything besides empty was progress…

Hoping to draw her mind away for a second, she turned to Fumi, who had been politely seated, her attention fully set on assisting 'Nina'.

"… So… how is Mistress Ein lately?" Natsuki brought up.

Wow, good way to start a conversion, agent.

Even with her lack of social skills, she understood that it was bad to have brought up the sensitive subject without an opening buffer. She berated herself.

Fumi was startled by the question but her features were drawn into a warm, reminiscent smile. "Mistress Ein is… the same as always." Those words held back a sense of longing and sadness.

"Oh-oh. How about Father? … Does he visit her?" 'Nina' tried to fix her blunder and ameliorate the saddening atmosphere.

Hastily, the maid seemed to reply. "O-of course. The Master loves Mistress Ein very much."

The agent had caught on to the hesitation. Burnt-orange irises examined the woman before her. The woman's pupils were a bit dilated, and her posture signaled discomfort. There was a smile, but it looked forced.

Looks like Sergey Viola doesn't have a 'loving' relationship with Fujino Ein. Then again, he did mention it was an arranged marriage.

The pink maid switched the topic. "And speaking of the Master, the Master tells me that he is very proud of your adjustment to Garderobe Academy." There was a fake cheerfulness in her voice as she clapped her hands slightly in emphasis.

"Oh? Is that so…" Natsuki said casually.

"Yes! Oh, I know. Would Nina-sama like to tell me some of her stories at Garderobe? It might help with the speech." Her words sounded genuinely happy with the idea.

Natsuki smiled wryly, not sure how she felt about the change in subject, but she decided to indulge the maid. Despite her mission, her main focus at the moment was to finish her speech.

There will be time for this later…

An hour passed as Nina attempted her best at story-telling, bringing up days where she helped the drama club to her fiasco with Rosalie Claudel in Home Economics. Ideas had come to her, which she jotted down speedily whenever they appeared.

Stretching back, Natsuki raised her arms, unhinging any kinks in her muscles. Lowering them, she stared at the opened pages. It was filled with crossed out words and scribbles on the ledger lines. It was messy, but she was done. "Finally!" She beamed, truly relieved to be finished with the task.

"Congratulations, Nina-sama!" The maid exclaimed with a bob of her head, her pink curls following its movements.

Natsuki turned her head towards the maid. "No… Fumi. It was thanks to your help…" The maid opened her mout—"Thank you." The agent said simply. Fumi shook her head and tried to voice her objections. "Ah-ah-ah. No, I mean it, Fumi. Thank you."

"Nina-sama… you're very welcome." She replied.

Getting up from her seat, she glanced at clock hanging on the wall. "Well, it's almost time for dinner."

Quickly getting up as well, Fumi exclaimed, "Oh! How careless of me!"

Alarmed, 'Nina' fumbled. "Oh… um, is there something? I-I hope I didn't keep you…"

"Of course not, Nina-sama. Yet, I am sincerely sorry. I must check on the chefs and ready for the dinner."

With that the maid hurried off to her destination. Gathering her materials, Natsuki traveled back to her room to drop off her items, deciding to transcribe the speech and clean up the passages at a later date. When she entered the room, she noted the package that lay in its center. Nodding to herself, she now made her way to the dining hall. Walking down corridors filled with paintings and other ornaments and turning corners with nil hesitation, her body had already memorized the steps to her destination.

Thank you…

Those words repeated in her mind, resounding in her thoughts. She contemplated the phrase and tasted it silently on the tip of her tongue. She held the feeling it gave discretely in her heart.

x – x – x – x

Dinner was pleasant with the exception of her petite soeur's questioning gazes. At times, Shizuru would meet the gaze, locking contact for a few seconds. Her soeur would then open her mouth as if to speak, but all too soon, she would fall back to her meal. So, when the meal had ended and 'Nina' had finally come up to her, asking to meet her by her room, she was not at all surprised by the request.

Crimson orbs watched citrus ones with curiosity. She studied the younger girl as she shifted on her feet. It was apparent that the girl was holding something behind her. She noted that the girl's pensive features; her head dipped low, allowing blue-berry locks to shadow her features.

"Nina?" She tested.

The agent snapped out of her reverie. Fingers that had been wrapped around the handle of the bag tightened. Her other hand reaffirmed its grip onto the helmet; she felt the surface was starting to feel slippery to the touch. Part of her immediately hoped there would not be any notable oily fingerprints.

"Nina?" Shizuru called out again.

The agent swallowed and cleared her throat. She peered at those prying crimson irises. This caused the agent to hesitate.

Would… she like it? I mean she's always wanted to ride with me… but I couldn't let her until she had some protective gear on…

Her brain prodded her, reminding her of the contents in the bag.

Okay! Maybe not everything was necessary, but the suit could encapsulate the cold and had a bit of padding…

She shook the thoughts away.

"Shizuru." Her voice was an attempt at confident.

"Yes, Nina?"

"… I'm tired of you always asking to ride with me in the mornings."

The sudden change in Shizuru's demeanor was apparent. The playful smile was pulled into a frown. This stunned the navy-haired girl. She once again berated herself for her lack of tact.

"A-anyways. It was getting annoying, so I…" She held out her hands now. In her left was a white paper bag and in her right was a helmet. "… here. Take it."

Shizuru raised a brow at the sight. A sense of euphoria began to spill into her bloodstream. Succulent lips tugged upward as a faint smile reappeared; happiness shown through her guarded façade.

Svelte fingers reached out hesitantly, the older girl said softly. "Ara, is this really for me?"

The agent nodded, her everlasting enemy—a blush—assaulting her cheeks. Natsuki watched as Shizuru slowly took the items from her hands. The reflected spot of light on the helmet shifted to a new position as it left her hands. Natsuki felt her breath hitch as Shizuru brushed her fingers across the ones on her left hand before taking the bag into her possession.

At that moment, the older girl took a step forward. Dipping her head gradually, she expertly placed a gentle kiss on her petite soeur's cheek. Her lips made contact with bouncy, healthy flesh. Releasing the contact, her tongue instinctively tasted her bottom lip—a quick flash before turning to its recesses. It was oddly delicious.

"Thank you." A husky tone breathed into her ear.

Involuntarily, the agent inhaled sharply at the sensation, lips parting slightly, sucking in a gulp of air. Embarrassed, she numbly bobbed her head again. She remembered making out the words, "good night" before she hastily retreated into her room. Her ears perked up to the sounds of a few chuckles just as the door snuffed out the noise.

With the door closed behind her, Natsuki leaned her back against it, causing a mute thump. A slender hand lifted up and gently brushed an inflamed cheek with the back of its digits. She knew it was psychological, but she felt it searing her fingers, burning them raw. She let her arm fall freely back to her side. Swallowing, she exhaled audibly.

She didn't hate it.

A/N: Thanks for the comments since the last chapter, everyone; they were really nice to read. I considered not revealing Maya's true intentions, so that you could be surprised along with Natsuki. Yet, I wanted to test out some dramatic irony. I'm purposefully leaving out some descriptions this time—major hint to what the next chapter will be about.

So… someone's birthday is coming up. If you're a good fan, you'd know who I'm talking about. At the moment, I'm writing a sequel to a certain one-shot I wrote years ago… Hopefully, it'll be out before THAT day. I've always liked writing humor, even if I suck at it.

Please review your thoughts! Until next time!