Disclaimer: All characters, except Simon Lucus, belong to marvel. Simon Lucus, unfortunately, belongs to me.
Author's Note: Wow. Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed with such encouraging and kind words! I was debating on whether or not to post that personal AN, because I wanted the focus to be on the chapter, and not on me. But I also felt it was important to share it.
I have gotten over the ordeal, so no worries. It happened a few years ago and I've come to terms with it. I'm a regular speaker at support groups, especially for teenaged girls, because I feel they need to be educated, protected, and comforted the most. Talking about the issue not only makes it more realistic (and not just a reaction to severe emotions), it also turns it into a situation, and NOT a defining element of life. The ordeal does not define who I am, and it's people like you guys who confirm this for me even now. Thank you very much. I wasn't strong then, but I am now. We all grow and overcome. It's what makes us amazing human beings.
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Chapter #25: In Remy's Arms
Remy pressed his hand against the glass that separated him from Rogue. Quite a few feet from where he stood, on the other side of the glass, he could see a thin green curtain. Behind this curtain, hiding from his aching eyes, he could make out Hank's shadow as the doctor continued to hover over the bed on which Rogue was lying.
He never liked the laboratory. It was cold and sterile and he always managed to avoid it if he could help it. Many people had passed through these very doors in an injured state. Many people had died here. He always wondered how Hank could spend so much time confined within these bare walls.
And yet he was glad that Hank did, because it was his hands now healing the wounds on Rogue's body.
It had been hours since they had returned to the Mansion. He had carried Rogue the entire time, clutching her tightly – and protectively – to his chest. No one had spoken during the return journey. Scott and Hank had kept to the cockpit, Hank only emerging to check on Rogue's vital signs every so often. Logan and Ororo had remained behind to deal with Lucus, and consequently, with a rather distraught Mystique.
When they had arrived at the Mansion, and when Hank and a shaken Jean had led Remy down to the Lab, it had taken Remy all the strength he had to let them tear Rogue from his arms.
Much to his distress, Hank had encouraged him to leave the room. Hank did not feel that it was healthy for Remy to witness his examination of Rogue. Remy had decided to heed Hank's orders only because his desire to find out that Rogue was okay overpowered his desire to redeem himself.
He stood now, just outside the Lab door, his forehead pressed against the cool glass. He could sense Jean and Betsy behind him – the one fidgeting with anxiety, the other still and composed as only a trained martial artist could be.
Neither spoke, and Remy wasn't sure if it was because they wanted to give him some room to collect his own thoughts, or because they were afraid to approach him. His knuckles ached, and he gazed now at the damaged skin on the back of his hands. His mind filtered back to the moment when he had had Lucus's body cowering beneath him. The rage he had felt then returned now. If Logan hadn't stopped him he was sure he would have killed Simon Lucus. He almost wished he had.
Non… He clenched his fists. He wouldn't do this. He wouldn't succumb to the rage. He inhaled and exhaled slowly, rubbing his eyes roughly with his hands. He could feel Jean stir, and looked up to give her a reassuring smile. She smiled meekly back.
'It shouldn't be long now,' she said, softly. 'Hank should be done soon.'
Remy nodded. Although he ached to see Rogue, he was glad he had this time to collect his bearings before facing her. He knew, as if some power above was guiding him, that he couldn't let this incident defeat him. Whatever had happened, it had happened. There was no point thinking back and wondering if things could have been different had he made different choices. He wouldn't give Lucus the satisfaction of getting at him by dwelling on the rape, or dwelling on the pain. Logan was dealing with Lucus now, and that was good enough for Remy. Lucus wasn't his concern. Rogue was.
He turned back and gazed into the Lab through the glass window. Hank was now sitting at his desk and typing at his computer. His mouth was moving and Remy realized that he was probably talking to Rogue. She was conscious. And alert.
Remy's heart ached. What would he say to her when he saw her? He knew Rogue well, but he also had never faced a situation like this before. What would she be feeling?
He had to keep things real. If only to focus himself. Rogue had been kidnapped and raped, but so were hundreds of women around the world. What happened to Rogue was tragic, but it wasn't everything. He wouldn't let it be. They could get over this. Together.
He would not allow this incident to define him, and he would not allow the rape to define Rogue.
He sighed and began to pace the floor.
'The biggest obstacle will be her pride,' Betsy said suddenly, her eyes trailing Remy's steps as he paced before her.
He stopped and stared at her. 'Her pride?'
Betsy nodded. 'I've been trying to put myself in Rogue's shoes… trying to figure out what I would be feeling right now…' She could feel Jean staring at her, and when she turned to look into those large, green eyes, she found a familiar look. Jean, too, had been thinking of this very thing.
'Yes… her pride…' Jean said, slowly.
Betsy nodded and turned back to Remy. 'If I had been raped, my feelings wouldn't revolve only around the actual event. After all, it's just sex. Forced sex, but sex nonetheless. It's what happens on the emotional level that would effect me most.'
Remy nodded. He wanted to know what Jean and Betsy thought. They were women, and therefore more equipped to understand Rogue's mindset than he was.
Seeing that Remy was in a disposition to listen, Betsy continued. 'Rogue is physically the strongest member of the X-Men, and she can kill with just a small touch. Her confidence in her ability to protect herself and those around her comes from her powers. But they were stripped from her, and as a result she was taken advantage of. It was demeaning. She had no control over what was happening. She was helpless.' She watched as Remy clenched his fists at his sides, but there was determination in his eyes. 'She's insecure right now. And afraid. She probably feels lost.' Betsy stopped here as a shudder went through her body.
'And embarrassed,' Jean said, squeezing Betsy's hand. 'And that's the worst thing to feel right now, Remy. It's this embarrassment that will cause her to push you away.'
Remy nodded, his lips pressed into a thin line. 'I won't let her.'
Betsy and Jean both smiled.
'We know, Remy,' Jean said. 'And I think Rogue knows, too.'
Remy turned his head back to the glass window. With Hank away from the bedside, he could clearly make out Rogue's silhouette against the curtain. The muscles in his throat constricted as he watched her slip a hospital gown over her body. Her movements were slow and he frowned as he thought of the amount of pain she must be feeling.
Hang in dere, chere…
He wished he could take her back to a happier time. He felt the familiar sense of failure rake over him and he turned his anguished eyes towards Betsy and Jean.
'Will she hate me…?' he asked them, suddenly. '… for letting dis happen?'
'Oh… Remy…' Jean walked over and wrapped her arms around him. The gentleness of her embrace caused Remy to sink into her arms. 'It's not your fault.'
Remy wanted to believe her. Oh, how much he wanted to believe her! Deep down he knew that what he was feeling was a result of his guilt, but he felt so helpless. He knew that Rogue wouldn't accuse him of anything, but that didn't prevent him from accusing himself.
This wasn't fair. What had happened to Rogue wasn't fair. He pulled out of Jean's arms as he felt the anger return. He turned his eyes away from her pitying face.
'Everyt'ing was going so perfectly,' he said, biting back the rage. 'For de first time in my life I had everyt'ing I wanted. Rogue and Remy were happy.' He was pacing again. 'I was even ready to propose to her. She already had de ring on her finger.'
Jean and Betsy exchanged a look of shock. Neither of them had been aware that Remy was thinking of marrying Rogue. Had their relationship evolved that far?
'But den everyt'ing f—ked up. I should have known. Not'ing ever works out good for dis Cajun. Not'ing!'
'Stop it,' Betsy interrupted, sounding severe. 'Stop with the self-pitying. It won't do you any good, and it won't do Rogue any good.'
'But—'
'I know you're angry, Remy,' Betsy continued. Like Jean, she had also moved to his side, and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. 'You have every right to be pissed off. I know you've been holding back ever since you got here, and I know you've been doing it for Rogue. I respect you for that, truly, and I ask that you continue to do so. For Rogue.' She turned him towards her by grabbing his shoulders, forcing him to look at her. 'You have to come to terms with your role in all this and accept the way things have played out. Rogue is going to try to push you away. If you keep feeling this rage towards yourself, you'll let her push you away, if only to punish yourself. But she won't want you to leave. You have to hang in there.'
Remy nodded, his eyes squeezed tight. Betsy was repeating his earlier thoughts, and he was glad for it. His coherent mind had already determined what he needed to do to salvage his relationship. It was the incoherent, emotional self that kept pushing his resolution astray.
'You can do this,' Jean whispered, squeezing his arm. 'We know you can.'
Remy tried to give them both a smile. This is what it was like to receive support from one's friends, and he was so thankful for them. He wanted to tell them how much he appreciated that they were there for him, but it was at this time that Scott arrived to inform them of Logan's and Ororo's return. Jean and Betsy both excused themselves and left with Scott to greet their fellow X-Men. Remy had half a mind to follow them. He was anxious to find out what had happened with Lucus and Mystique, but he decided to remain behind. His need to be near Rogue was stronger than his aching curiosity.
Left alone in the dark hallway, Remy fixed his attention to the hidden bed on the other side of the glass wall, his soul aching to be replenished by the sight of his love.
--
It was another twenty minutes before Hank finally stepped out of the Lab and approached the Cajun with cautious steps.
'How she be?' Remy asked immediately.
'She is coming along,' Hank said, carefully. 'I've patched her up the best I can. She has two fractured ribs, but all else are surface wounds – cuts and bruises that will heal over time.' He observed the tense expression on Remy's face and smiled. 'You want to see her, I believe.'
'Can I?!'
Hank nodded, but grabbed Remy's arm as he tried to push past him in his haste. 'Just a moment, Remy.'
Remy stopped mid-stride and turned a concerned face to the Beast. 'W'at's wrong.'
'Nothing is "wrong" really, but there is something nonetheless.' He pulled Remy away from the Lab door and gazed into his troubled eyes. 'As a defense mechanism, Rogue's powers kicked in as soon as I took the power dampener off of her ankle. You must remember that Rogue's default genetic makeup consists of her powers, and the only way she was able to touch you was through severe concentration on her part.'
Remy nodded. He knew all this.
'Well, it appears that this incident has affected her concentration…'
Remy stared. 'So?'
'So… I am afraid her powers are very much active. When I asked her to concentrate on her control for me, she was not able to do so. Now, obviously she is under a lot of strain right now and definitely not emotionally stable. However…' Hank paused and took a deep breath, '… I fear that the trauma she has gone through will effect her control permanently.' He squeezed his eyes shut and waited for Remy to blow up.
He didn't.
Hank opened his eyes and found Remy staring intently back at him.
'So, can I see her now?' Remy asked, impatiently.
Hank scratched his ear. 'The news of her powers does not seem to concern you, my friend…'
Remy shrugged. 'It not be important dat she be able to touch me, Hank. I love Rogue, wit' or wit'out her powers. Dere's no turning back for me now. I just want her to be okay.'
Hank's smile widened and he clapped Remy on the shoulder. '"The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of". Go in, Remy. She waits for you, and yet fears your arrival. Be careful.'
The warning was unnecessary, because Remy could already feel the apprehension in his chest. He ran one shaking hand through his hair, took a deep breath, and entered the Lab.
--
Rogue's stomach plummeted into a cold abyss as the curtain around her bed was pulled back and Remy stepped through. She had thought, after her conversation with Hank, that she was ready to face him. She wasn't sure what would happen to their rishta, but she knew that she loved him. She knew that she loved him enough to let him go… and she had to let him go. She couldn't touch him now – the foundation of their relationship had collapsed. Forsaking him would be much easier than having him abandon her.
Their eyes connected for the briefest moment, and then Rogue turned her head away. She could still sense Lucus's stench on her body and his rough touch against her flesh. She could feel his hot breath against her neck and hear his awful grunting in her ears. Her eyes burned as she fought the tears threatening to fall. She couldn't stand that Remy was looking at her when she felt so severely tainted.
She opened her mouth to speak – to urge him to leave her alone – but he cut her off.
'Don't tell me to leave.' He sat down at the foot of her bed, his eyes staring intently into hers. 'Cause I won't.'
'But… Rem—'
'Don't.'
He reached out to grab her hand, but she pulled it away and buried it beneath her sheets. She watched as Remy's jaw tightened, and noticed the bags under his eyes and the lines around his mouth. His hair was in disarray and the scent of age hung around his clothes. His body seemed to sag in exhaustion, but his eyes were alert and ardently focused.
Focused on her.
She wondered if he had noticed the absence of the ring on her finger. The ring she had been too helpless to protect. She gulped down the sob that threatened to escape from her throat.
'Don't do dis.'
Rogue tore her eyes away from him, the tears stinging. Her teeth dug into her bottom lip and she flinched, realizing for the first time the wound there.
'Ah can't touch ya…' Her voice was barely a whisper, and had the room not been uncannily silent, Remy would not have heard her.
'Dat's okay, chere.'
'And Ah don't wanna feel your touch… raht now…'
'Dat's okay, chere.'
'Maybe not evah…'
'Chere, dat's okay.'
Rogue shook her head, and lifted her hands to wipe the tears now falling from her eyes. Remy flinched at seeing her wrists heavily bandaged.
'Remy… leave.'
'Non.'
'Please…'
'Non!'
It took everything he had inside of him to ignore the fear and anguish in her tone of voice. But he was determined. He was not going to run. He was not going to show any weakness. He was not going to let Rogue push him away.
'Rem'… Ah'm—' Her body began to tremble, and before Rogue could even utter the word "broken", Remy silenced her by raising his hand in defiance.
'Not'ing's changed, Rogue.'
'Everything's changed!'
'Not'ing's changed!'
He watched as Rogue crumpled into her sheets, the tears pouring unabashedly down her pale cheeks and wetting the hospital gown she wore. He knew how hard this was for her. Nothing he felt now could compare to the war in her soul. He wanted desperately to hold her in his arms – to wipe her tears away and caress her with all the love he had for her.
But he couldn't. Not when she was so vehement on pushing him away. He had to prove his worth.
Rogue lifted her wet eyes to him. 'Why are ya doin' this, Remy? Just leave, while you still can.'
'Non.' He forced a hand through his messed hair. 'I'm not leaving.'
Rogue lowered her gaze, her heart beating somewhere underneath her stomach. 'Don't feel obliged…'
Remy cursed, and moved as close to her as he possibly could without touching her. Rogue gazed up at him, and for the first time since the incident Remy saw a flicker of longing in her eyes. It was just a passing look, but it was enough to make Remy's heart swell. Regardless of her current disposition, she needed him, and although she was trying desperately to thrust him away, a part of her wanted him there. It was this part that Remy had to pull out. It was this part of her that could heal her.
Throwing caution to the winds, Remy did the one thing he had been most afraid to do since entering this room, and the one thing his entire being ached for. He grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her into an embrace.
Rogue struggled against his arms, and then, quite suddenly, she shoved him hard and sent him flying through the curtain. He crashed against the wall. Dazed, he pulled himself up and strode towards her once more on shaking legs. He grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her into an embrace again. Rogue sobbed, her cheeks glistening with tears, as she beat against his chest with her fists. Remy only held her closer, and again she shoved him away. He flew across the room and hit that same wall.
And again, he got up and strode back towards her, his jaw set as he blinked the dazed stars from his eyes. He reached her bed, grabbed her by the shoulders, and pulled her into an embrace. 'Je t'aime…' he whispered tenderly into her ear, '… ma chérie.'
A moment of stillness passed.
And then Rogue collapsed into his arms. She cried – a loud, painful cry that let fall all the tears she had been holding within her. Remy's embrace was warm and gentle, and for the first time in a long while she felt safe and secure. This is where her place was. This was where she was meant to be.
In Remy's arms.
It was a long time before the tears stopped, but even then Remy held her close, whispering words of love into her hair. His hands massaged her back, the heavy beating of his heart soothing her.
'Ya didn't leave…' she whispered, after a long silence.
Remy chuckled softly and pulled her head back to gaze into her eyes. 'Remy be a stubborn fool when it comes to you, Rogue.'
Her eyes searched his, and Remy could tell she was fighting her emotions. He knew that she was battling the two decisions: she could either push him away and bury herself in her own pain, or she could trust him and their rishta.
'I know it hurts, chere,' he said, slowly. 'But all dis Cajun knows is dat you have to give him everyt'ing. Everyt'ing you've got.' He lifted his hand to caress her cheek, but realized that his hands were uncovered. He gave her a faint smile. 'Not'ing matters 'cept me and you, 'cause you know I've given you all of me.'
Rogue smiled, and then flinched as the wound on her bottom lip split open. But this did not deter her. She smiled still, knowing that her one smile would reassure the man who loved her.
Yes, she was broken. But Remy held all her pieces in the palm of his hand. With his love, she felt that she could be whole again.
--
Author's Note: Hmm… now where did that ring go…?