a/n: Ok people I screwed up major in my own love life so to make me feel better I typed this out in one go! Impress? I bloody am. But now I have no date!

Chapter 24

BPOV

Honestly..? I didn't know what I was doing.

Lying in my bed I cried for the boy I loved and the boy.., the boy I cared about? Why was I risking my future for a few moment of fun? Did my mind need the adrenalin to run through it, course through my veins and act against every moral that I stood for.

I still couldn't understand it.

I loved Jake.

I did. I knew I did.

He was, is, my future.

He is everything I have known for the past two years and made my life liveable when I moved back to Forks. Without him I don't know where I would be, where I would stand in this world. But it would most likely be alone.

I could feel the tears heat my cheeks in the dark and thought about the boy in the room next to me. Edward. I didn't know what I was doing to him and I knew it wasn't fair but my body and mind constantly betrayed me and I give in, gave myself up to him wanting more and more.

The night was late again and still I wasn't sleeping. I wanted to lie along side Edward; it always felt safe next to him in this house and well really at the dorms too. I liked his warmth, his touch and the way he held me in his sleep. It seemed as if he was keeping me safe, his arms always around my waist. If I wasn't lying flush against him he curved around my body tangling us both into a tight ball of wool.

I wanted that just now. I needed it.

Jake's face fluttered through my mind and I thought about everything I was doing and everything I forgot about when I was with Edward. I was forgetting about Jake. How could I let that happen? How could I go back and face him after what I had done.

Lie?

It seemed and felt like the norm for me these days. Everything was a lie.

I lied to Alice. No Alice, he just wouldn't open up, I tried to get him to talk, I did.

I lied to Jake. I can't make it home for New Year; you know how Alice is…

Well that one wasn't as much of a lie as it was shifting the blame. Alice did want me here for New Year, but she was a little more understanding than I would have Jake believe.

But the truth was I wanted to be with Jake too, for us both to bring in the New Year together. It was going to be a big year for us with moving in together and all that. I wanted it to start with him and continue with him.

I felt another wave of tears threatening and I hid my face into my pillow, muffling the sob that echoed from my hollow heart.

This was bad. But all I still wanted was to go to him. To go to Edward.

I had sat on his knee this after noon for around an hour kissing him, our lips in perfect synch and our hand in unison, both combing through the others hair.

It made me feel something, something I hadn't felt before. And I still didn't know what it was.

His admission at his innocence was eye opening. I suppose when he had told me he hadn't been with anyone before, that he was still a virgin, I wasn't too surprised. I would have been too no doubt if it wasn't for Jake coming into my life, the two of us giving our selves to one another.

But Edward never being kissed, that was…not, strange, that would imply it was bad. It was different. I would have least expected one of the girls at his school to try and have kissed him, he was perfection, his strong cheek bones, angular nose and masculine chin, he is perfection. It was as if the gods themselves had carved him from stone.

I had seen other girls look at him in the past but they must have sensed his attitude and stayed away. He was closed off and arrogant in general, never mind if you attempted eye contact or speaking. And that was a good day. It was as if they feared him, that they knew better than to get too close.

But I was the first girl to kiss him.

He had been the first to kiss me, in our way, in the way we did…like it was needed.

The time I had kissed him he was frightened, scared and I was trying to pacify him, ease him from worry but I took his choice away in the process. Would he have ever have tried to kiss me if it wasn't for me kissing him in the hospital?

Would he have ever of wanted me?

Before I knew what I was doing I was outside Edwards's door and gently easing it open hoping not to disturb him if he was sleeping.

"Bella?" I heard his low smooth voice carry over to me and as quick as the sound had travelled to me, I travelled to him.

EPOV

I couldn't sleep without her here. I wanted her here, beside me. I felt normal with her, aside our conversation this afternoon, she did actually get me. Better than anyone I had known and when she was with me it made all the rest of people's misunderstandings and misguided thoughts disappear.

It was almost three in the morning when I looked over at the clock. She obviously wasn't coming through tonight and I fought the urge to go and see her. I figured she had enough to think about without me intruding. She needed space and she needed time and I would have given her an oceans parting between us and the rest of forever if she asked me too.

I felt ashamed this afternoon, that I wasn't enough for her. I knew I wasn't enough for her but having to explain she was the first girl I had kissed was embarrassing beyond belief.

I wanted the world to open up and swallow me whole and she took it in her stride, as if it was normal. She told me to hold no shame for it and pressed that only when comfortable should I do it. Kissing, holding, sex. She was meaning it all.

So I reached out for her, held on to her waist and brought her to me and kissed her and my body craved for more.

My body was still craving more. She said that we wouldn't have sex and I thought about this. Was that until Jake was gone and out of the picture, our cosy threesome would never sit right in the frame on top of the mantel piece. He would be gone soon enough. Bella couldn't lie to herself anymore. Not after today.

I heard the low long swoosh of the door moving above the thick carpet and straight away knew it was Bella but I still called for her.

I needed to call her name, for her to come to me. She was standing at the side of my bed and reached for her hand pulling her below the covers with me.

I felt a smile on my face as I pulled her on top of me before I rolled her over onto her back, our feet, body and head's completely covered by the covers.

My lips reached for hers and I found them quickly in the dark as I so desperately clung to her sides.

I rested my knees at either side of her and leaned down to her as she arched her back in response.

My promise to my self not to touch her below her clothes was gone. It washed away with all the sand my wall had turned in to at the mercy of this girl below me. I didn't want it anyway. Not if this is what I was missing.

I slid my fingers below the surface of her pyjama vest top and felt the warmer skin. I let my four fingers run along to the edge of her side before I stopped and grasped hold of her bare hip that was partly covered with her bottoms.

Her hand reached for my hair and ran her fingers through it. I let go of the thought and the laugh at the irony that she hated to see me do it to myself, but for her to do it, it was fine.

"I didn't think you were coming through." I groaned out onto her slightly parted lips as she caught her breath.

"I didn't know if I should?" Her voice was low but not just because of trying to keep quiet. There was something else there.

I reached for the lamp next to my bed and the room lit up along with Bella's face. It was sad though, she had been crying, her eyes were red and her cheeks were still flushed and slightly damp. I brushed a thumb across her cheek and her eyes closed as she still lay below me.

"Have you been crying?" I knew she had, and I could already guess the reason she had been crying too. She was feeling guilty.

I slid my arm below her neck and pulled her up into me and rolled her back over so she was now resting her head on my chest.

She looked up, sad and lost and I hated to be part of the reason that look was on her face.

She nodded as another tear came out from the corner of her eye and she battled it away.

"You know, it will get better." I told her; sure of my words that when things settle she would feel differently, when there was no guilt to feel.

"When will it get better, when will it ever get better?" she asked as she griped onto me tighter.

I didn't have the answer to this. I knew it would be hard on her, moving on and changing. "When you tell him." I whispered my words.

"Tell him!" she jumped up onto her knees shouting the words out. I jumped up and cupped her mouth with my hand and her awareness of the situation came back as I removed it. "Tell him?" she asked. "I can't tell him, this, this would kill him. I can tell him."

"You're not going to tell him, tell him that you have moved on or…something?" I asked surprised.

"No! Why would I do that?" she whisper shrieked.

"So…For us to be..." the words just would leave me. "You don't want me." I asked and I could feel my heart break from the realization.

"Edward…" she sounded like she was pleading. "We're just not meant to be like that. I'm with Jake. That's how it is. How the plan is."

"The plan?"

"Jake and I.., we have it planned out. Our life."

I shifted further back into my pillows. "So…what am I?" I knew I didn't want to hear that fucking answer.

She looked down at her hands thinking. "I don't know what this is. It's a mess." Her last sentence was firm and we both knew it was. This was a gigantic fuck off mess and she had every intention of leaving me to drown in it.

"Bella." I reached for her hand. "I asked what am I. What am I to you?"

She cringed at the thought, I didn't know if it was guilt for me or guilt for Jake. "You're special." She told me.

My mood darkened there and then, I could feel the dark could escalate towards me and there was noting I could do to stop it. "Special?" I spat. Was she taking the fucking piss?

"No, wait Edward, not like that." I pushed forward and on to my knees grabbing her with both hands at the top of her arms.

"Special." I could fell the cartoon steam rolling off of me but I had no way of stopping it. She wriggled in my hands but she wasn't strong enough against me. She never would be.

"Edward, let me explain." She was begging but I didn't care.

I could only think about the thought that it wasn't me, after everything it still wasn't me. I wasn't good enough for her, even when I knew that already, even when I told my self that. I had still seen something, some kind of hope but she had just pulled it out from under me in one swoop.

Before I knew it I had lifted her off the bed and cast her weaker body to the flood in a heap where the tears poured for me to see. I looked down at her and nothing she could say in this moment would change what had happened.

She couldn't take this back and she couldn't climb onto my knee and expect it to magically disappear. None of her words I wanted to hear. I wanted nothing from her in this moment.

My breath panted out of control and the anger was soon to follow. I needed her gone. Not just for my own sake but for hers also. I gave her one final warning.

"Get. Out. Now."

BPOV

As I ran below the safety of my own covers I heard it. It was loud and it was frightening.

The sound was coming from Edwards's room but I couldn't be sure what he was doing. All I could hear was banging.

It was furniture, it was all of his possessions, it was him losing control. Because of me.

I heard the others run upstairs and into Edwards's room then Carlisle's voice.

He was…calm. It was eerie, as if he had been here before. I wouldn't be surprised if he had been. Just not with me being the cause.

Climbing from my safety I needed to hear what was being said. I moved towards the door and opened it a crack so I could hear.

It was still useless mumbles. I could hear the others shifting the furniture back around. I was sure.

There was a faint mumble from Edward; he said it was a nightmare. That he freaked out.

I didn't know if it was a plausible cover story but going by Edward anything was possible and plausible.

I swallowed hard at the pain I had caused him and the worry I would be putting on to his family.

The next thing I seen was Alice peeking back at me through the crack in the door. I stood back knowing I had been caught trying to hear what was being said.

She came in and wrapped her arms around me tight, hugging me letting me know I was safe.

"It's ok. Edward just freaked out a little from a nightmare he had. He won't hurt anyone."

I nodded into her neck knowing he must have wanted to hurt me.

She pulled away and looked me in the eye. "Hey, don't look so worried. You have shared a room with him before, you know this isn't normal."

I knew this wasn't normal because I was sure no one had pushed him to the edge like I had done.

"You can sleep in my bed with me, ok?" She took my hand and pulled me through the door into the small lounge and stopped outside Edwards's door.

I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to see the room and I didn't want to see Edward. I wasn't scared of him; I was worried that I would see beyond what they could.

I could see what they didn't and this time I didn't want look at it. I had broken him.

"See, he's fine." Alice chirped as she brought me to the door frame.

"Sorry to waken you Bella, Edward had a bit of a bad dream." Esme Added as she picked up a few CD cases.

I heard Edward mutter something about a fucking nightmare but no one asked him to repeat it.

I looked around the room. There wasn't much damage; most had been fixed by Esme Carlisle and Jasper.

I looked at Edward and he was a heap on the floor with is back against the side of the bed. He didn't look at me. I wanted him to; I needed to see how he was. I knew not well but I needed to see into his eyes.

He could never forgive me. And I would never forgive myself.

I wanted to go to the broken boy and wrap my arms around him but his family was here and most importantly, I had just taken that right away.

"Bella don't worry so much, look at him, he will be fine." Looking at him he didn't look fine. Was Alice just trying to relax me or was she blind to the vision in front of her.

She pulled on my arm "Come on, let's get some ice cream and leave them to it."

She pulled me away from the only place I wanted to be and all my fight had left me and so I followed. It didn't matter anyway. Even if I could have fought to stay here there would be questions asked and Edward to face. I was better off going with her before I caused anymore damage.

Two hours had passed and Alice had tried her best to break my mind form the sight I had seen from Edwards's room.

I let her pretend I was fine with it as we got below the bed covers in her room and talked.

There was an itch in me to see Edward. I needed to see that he was ok but I knew it was safer to keep away. I wouldn't approach him at all. The ball was in his court now.

"Alice, you know what I don't mind about Edward." I told her with honesty. It was my fault and I trusted Edward completely. Despite what he had done to his room I knew he would never hurt me. I knew it. I felt the way he touched me softly and even when he was in a mood or depression there was no malice in threatening tones in both his words and touch.

Tonight when he told me to get out was the most threatened I had felt from him and the shock of him putting me on the floor in the manor he did was a surprise but it wasn't violent, it wasn't sore, he just simply moved me from his bed, from being near him.

He was sending me packing.

"I think I'll just go back up to my own bed." I shrugged. "It feels more like mine." I pretended for the bed I didn't actually like too much but it was closer to Edward.

I could see the pain I could be putting him in but I promised myself I would leave him to be. He would come to me if he wanted to.

She agreed with hesitation and was back on my way climbing the second flight of stairs shortly after.

Reaching the lounge I looked between the two doors. Mine and his. I didn't want to be alone in there, not after everything that happened but I knew I couldn't go to Edward either.

Looking at the small two seat couch I walked over to it and balled myself into one of the ends as I placed the small fleece blanket over me to keep me warm.

It wasn't as comfortable as the time I had slept with Edward on it but nothing seemed to be as comfortable without Edward.

Lying like that I felt the long night take its toll and eventually I fell asleep.

I woke up a while later as I felt the familiar arms below me. Looking up it was Edward.

I piece of me died with happiness at the sight of him willing to hold me.

I feigned sleep until I could understand where he was taking me and inhaled his smell and buried my head into his chest further.

We walked thought my room door and he headed in the direction of my bed. I didn't want to be in there, not without him. Could he not see why I was sleeping in the couch?

I stirred in his arms as he place me into my covers and placed them up to my chin.

"Edward?" I could hear my voice. It was unsure.

"Bella, go back to sleep. It's early. Have a lie in." he ordered.

I sat back up reaching for his hand but he snapped it back before I had a chance to get a hold of it.

"I want to explain, about what I said earlier." He ignored me as he walked towards the door.

"Please." I called in vein, begging him to listen to me.

"Bella, whatever this was, it's over. It's a fucking nasty cycle and I'm done. I don't want part of whatever mess is going on in your head."

It was a verbal punch in the gut but I took it, I deserved it. Besides I wasn't finished with him yet.

He sloped out the room in silence and left me to sleep, if it would ever come.

The last day of the year felt like the worse. Edward was black and his mood was seeping through onto all of us.

Last nights incident had clearly been a bigger struggle for his family in the cold light of day than the dark of night.

The four or us had all started late and worked in silence as we painted the apartment working on the boy's room then moving on to the living room.

Once we had spent several pain staking hours we retreated back to the Cullen's house and began to get ready to bring in the New Year.

Alice had loaned me a dress. It was a simple black shift dress that she dressed with accessories. I wasn't keen on the bangles but apparently they were "needed" to make the out fit. She had then forced a pair of black high heels on to me and finally she was happy.

I took it, all of it and I let her cover me in all the make up and hair spray she wanted because she needed an escape from last night and I needed a way to help release some of the guilt I carried keeping all of this a secret from her.

The Cullen's were having a lavish party with a load of hospital staff and other people of high ranking careers. It was a world away from Forks and the job I had of working at the local out door shop.

Some how I didn't think any of these people had to worry about money for college. It made me slightly anxious around them.

Emmett and Rose were there too. They had been away to stay with Rosalie's family for a few days and had gotten back this afternoon to help with the party and had been informed of Edward out burst in the middle of the night.

I felt so ashamed that he was blaming it on himself to cover up for me.

The party sailed along nicely and the rest of them mingled in along with the professionals. I had made several attempts to make conversation but I felt a flush of shyness dowse me and began to glow like a beacon as I tried.

I hated parties like this. Making my way I headed for the garage in the attempt of some quiet and to help cool down. The house was to warm for my liking with all these people around. My friends were here but I missed it when it was only us.

Slipping out the back door in the kitchen into the garage I was startled by the voice that came from some corner.

"Looking for me?" the honey voice was low and I yarned to see its owner.

"No, I…I came for air. Honestly. I didn't mean to disturb you." I apologised profusely and reached back for the door handle intent on leaving him in peace.

"Wait." He called and I froze.

I turned and he stood up highlighting himself in the dim light. He walked forward with his shirt opened at the top and his jacket wide open too. He looked beautiful. He looked like he belonged in an Armani ad or something.

Walking towards me he held an open beer bottle in his hand and he took a drink.

My stomach knotted instantly.

"Edward what are you doing." I tried to reach for the bottle but he held his hand high and out of my reach. "Please, just give it to me." I pleaded as grabbed hold of him trying to pull him down so I could reach it.

He gently shook me off and lowered his hand and went to take another drink. I reached for it instantly but he was quicker and it was back up in the air and out of my reach once again.

"Don't do this to them, not again. Remember what happened last time."

He nodded as he looked off to the said then turned back to look at me.

"You kissed me." he was talking about in the hospital.

"Is that what you think will happen again Edward. Drink yourself unconscious and I'll kiss you. Is that what you want?"

"I want you to kiss me; I want you to want me."

"Edward you know I want you." I tried to reach for the bottle that had lowered as we spoke but it was again, up in the air. "Stop it, stop this now." I ordered him and his response was to take another deep gulp from the bottle.

"How much have you had?" I asked him

He held the bottle up into the light. And shrugged. "About half a bottle." He took another drink. "Don't worry, I'm not drunk."

He wasn't but I didn't know how long it was going to last.

"Edward you need to stop. Don't do this to your sister or the rest of your family and friends that love you so much."

"I'm just having a drink." He was smug and I hated it. He was still in perfect control right now but I didn't know what to do for the best.

"Because that worked out so well for you last time didn't it?" I shouted.

"You want me but I'm not good enough so why should it matter to you."

"You are good enough but I have already planed out a life with someone else."

"Screw the fucking plan, Bella. Admit it, I give you something he can't. And fuck knows what that is if I haven't even gotten into you underwear."

"Is that what you want? To get into my underwear?" I couldn't believe he would go there.

"No! I was…I was just saying."

"Give me the beer Edward."

"No." he was firm.

"Give it to me." He held it in his hand right in front of his chest willing me to get it from him. I knew it was his game but if it stopped him from drinking it I would play along.

Walking up to him I grabbed hold of the bottle and he grabbed hold of me. He held me around the waist as soon as my hands held his bottle secure.

His right hand slid up my back and held my neck as he held me close to him; I could feel his nose press into my hair.

"I'm sorry for last night." My voice was shaky and my grip tightened on the bottle.

"I wanted to explain better, I didn't mean it the way it came out. You're something I have never had in my life before and I don't know what that is. I just don't want you not in my life."

He nodded in my hair as he kissed the top of my head.

"Are you ok, you know after what happened?" I asked nervously.

"I shouldn't have let my self get so angry but I…I just don't want to stop this. I don't want to stop ever kissing you."

He reached for the bottle in my hand and my grip grew tighter. "I'm not going to drink it. I promise."

I took his word and handed him the bottle and he placed it down on to the floor.

Standing back up he held me close again. "Can I kiss you?"

My response was to kiss him. Our lips meeting and parting taking in one another.

His air, his taste, his need were all embedded in me in this moment. But still I wanted more. I wanted every cell in his body to know it was me that was touching him because every cell in me knew it was him.

His hand slid slowly down over my backside and I felt his fingers at the hem of my skirt and my knees actually weakened. They buckled at his touch and yearning for him flooded me.

His tongue glided in and out of my mouth and his kisses turned chase as he worked his way to my jaw line.

He turned us around and laid me against the hood of the back car that was next to me, resting me against the cold metal of the front of the car.

I gasped but it didn't deter him and I was thankful. A second of normalcy and my idiotic euphoria would leave me in this stark reality.

His hands slid down my thighs as I felt his kisses on my neck and I stretched my head back lapping them up.

I didn't want him to ever stop.

I grabbed him by the collar pulling him up to me and I wriggled below him wanting him closer to me.

Painfully slow his hands slid up the hem of my skirt revealing more and more of my bare pale legs and he prized them gently apart resting himself in between me.

The material of my underwear brushed up against me as he did and it took everything in me not to climax there on top of the car.

He slid me down into him again and I gripped his arms letting out a groan.

I wanted him right there and then. The party was forgotten in my head and it was only filled with Edward.

Nothing else mattered.

His hands grabbed mine and held me them above my head, the cold car touching more of my skin.

For him being a virgin there was nothing innocent about his movements. He seemed like he knew what he was doing.

His hand let go of mine and he once again gripped onto my waist, purposely rubbing me against him. He knew what he was doing and he only continued with more vigour when I let the moan I had tried to keep in, out.

It was undeniable. Whatever was going on between us mentally it passed on through physically.

His hands slid up my dress and he boldly reached the sides of my underwear and began to pull them away from me.

His rule of no touching was well and truly smashed as I felt the lacy material that Alice had made me buy, pass down over my knees and to god knows where. And I didn't care.

I felt the cold from the car against my back, arms and legs and the heat from Edward on my front and centre with his furious lips back on mine.

His hands cruised along the tops of my legs and my centre, he seemed a little lost so I took them and brought them back over my head as I sank a heel into one of the firm tyres and continued the touch I needed to take me over the edge.

He brought one of his hands into the low of my arch and brought us closer together and the firm brush against my clit brought me over the end as I came right on top of the car, below Edward with a moan that I tried to silence.

Edward was keen on lavishing attention on me there but I couldn't take it anymore. I wriggled away from him slightly as I looked up into his green eyes.

It had to be the best sexual experience of my life. The orgasm had ripped through me as if I had been on edge with him all day.

His lips lingered gently on the tip of my nose as I caught my breath back.

He continued to look into my eyes with us still bent over the car. His smile was devilish and I couldn't help but kiss his lips with a crooked grin like that.

He stood up and helped me up to my feet and I adjusted my dress.

He reached for my underwear and bottle of beer as I checked my self over and he took a step back.

The door swung open an Edward took another step back and placed my underwear in his pocket.

"What are you doing in here?" Alice asked as Rosalie looked on.

"I came out to cool down and found him out here." I shrugged trying to act as normal as possible.

"Edward, are you drinking?" Alice asked with a frown.

"A…I…We'll it's just a beer. It can't be that bad." Shit this was bad.

"We were sharing it. I said he could have it if we split it and see," I pointed to the bottle. "Not even half empty." I hoped to god that he would be ok.

She looked sceptical so I took the bottle from him and took a drink though I still didn't think she believed me.

"Take some of your tablet before bed, ok." She ordered her brother with a deathly glare.

He nodded and she smiled. "Come, on were going to miss all the fun if we stay here. It's almost time."

Hot on her heels we headed and met with the rest of the party and brought in the New Year, me, without underwear and Edward wearing a smile that I vowed wouldn't leave him.

a/n: ok the lemons are getting a little bit warmer. I know I kind of skipped over time here but I needed these events to happen now.

Everything has a purpose on when it happens.

Please let me know what you think. Do you hate it?

Oh and also there will be no violence directed towards Bella in this story from Edward I don't condone that but Edwards breaking point was needed for further along the story!

Peace xx