Chapter 25 - Dreams
So before we start with the next chapter there are some issues I want to address. I knew when I posted chapter 24 that I would get some harsh reviews/critique even, but what I did not except were demeaning, rude and highly offensive guest reviews. (I deleted those by the way). I can handle constructive criticism, however personal attacks that have nothing to do with the story line I really can't condone.
As for many of you here, reading and writing is a way to escape the real world. And even though my life is pretty cool and fulfilling, sometimes it is nice to get lost in the world of FICTION! Yes, fiction…not real. Ana and Christian are not real. So, if I decide when writing my story that I want Ana and Christian to jump of a cliff… they can…because I said so…then it is up to you whether you decide to continue reading the story or not.
As for the guest reviewer who mentioned that she didn't see Nickelback having a concert in a converted warehouse…well they did…and you know why? Because I wrote it that way…And why did Christian walk into that building? Well, we don't always make the most sensible decisions do we?
I know that some of you are now thinking that I should 'deal' with the negative reviews because that is one of the risks. But like I mentioned before…constructive criticism is fine…but don't insult me! You don't know me. Really, some of you guys get your knickers in a twist over the smallest details…Ana has too much of a backbone, Ana is a doormat, Christian is an ass, Christian is too soft…too much drama, not enough drama…I can go on and on forever. Geez make up your mind already!
I actually don't know where you think you get the right to demand that a story should take a certain turn. Do you think I am going to change the plot or story line because you tell me this is dragging or that the story sucks? Those comments only show that you really don't know me at all. Because, whether you like it or not, I already wrote the outline of this story and I am not going to change that. So, if you want to come along for the ride…fine…if you don't…that's okay…there are a huge amount of FSOG stories written on this site, I am sure there is one to your liking. Just don't ruin it for the others.
I am actually torn about what I am about to write next. I have decided to take a step back from this site for a few weeks. I don't consider myself a writer, I do this for fun…for relaxation and not to be offended. And to say that I was pissed off when I read those horrible reviews would be a huge understatement. We have a saying here in The Netherlands that says: "De goeden lijden onder de kwaden" meaning "The good are the victims of the bad…" I think that sums it up quite nicely…
For the faithful reviewers/readers who have stuck with me since the start of Extraordinary and then followed me to Wish. Thank you. You guys are amazing. I promise you that I am going to finish this story, however I hope you understand why I need this time away. And like Christian said. The best is yet to come…
Alner
Chapter 25 – Dreams
APOV
I never made it out of that stupid hospital. Before I knew it Sawyer's gigantic hand was wrapped around my arm and pulling me back to Ethan's room. To say that I was embarrassed would be an understatement. However, the emotion dominating my body is anger. Pure, uncontrolled anger.
"Will you let go of my arm" As forcefully as possible I pull myself free from Sawyers grip. And in this very moment I don't care how tall he is because I'm livid. But in moments like this when he doesn't talk and only glares I just want to kick him.
"Where is Taylor?" I demand and cross my arms in front of my chest.
"Taylor is out looking for Mr. Grey."
"Why wasn't Taylor with Christian in the first place?"
"I don't know. All I know I that I have to keep you safe." As I stare at him the pain in my chest and stomach returns in full force and every ounce of determination leaves my body.
They are all keeping things from me. And that's what started this at the first place.
"Knowing Christian I know that there had to be probably a few CPO's at that concert is that right?"
"Yes, that would be correct." He answers stoically.
"Then why didn't they alert Taylor or Christian?"
"I don't know Ana. I can't answer that question."
"What do you actually know Sawyer?" I say glaring at him.
"Protocol in cases like this is to take you home." He bows his head lightly and takes a step back.
"Then just take me home Sawyer." I say defeated.
After saying goodbye to Ethan, Sawyer and Reynolds walk me to the car. It takes us thirty minutes to get back to Escala. Thirty excruciatingly long minutes.
No one speaks a word during the ride back to Escala and not even during the ride in the elevator.
I don't speak when I step out of the elevator and I don't speak when Sawyer tells me that he is in his office in case I need something. I walk in one straight line to the fridge and take the half bottle of wine out. Without even bothering to grab a glass I walk to couch and wait.
I can't believe that my husband is somewhere out there and that I am forced to sit here like a complete moron. I look at the bottle of wine in my hand and take a swig. God, that tastes so good.
At exactly the same time that I lean my head back and close my eyes I hear someone enter the room.
"Do you need me to call someone for you Ana?" Sawyer voice sounds apologetic now. Well fuck him. I don't want apologetic. I want my husband. I want to know where he is, what he is doing and most importantly is he is all right. Please let him be all right.
"No. And Sawyer?" With my eyes still closed and showing no respect whatsoever I continue. "Please don't bother me again unless you have news about my husband."
When I hear Sawyer leaving the great room I release a breath I didn't even know I was holding. Should I call Grace? I immediately dismiss the idea. Carrick has enough stress already without having to deal with his youngest son shenanigans. I will call Grace if Christian hasn't returned in one hour.
While the nerves is my body are at full swing I take another swig of the wine. It doesn't even taste that good if I had to be honest. With a sigh I stand from the couch and place the bottle of wine on the table. With my hands wrapped around my waist I walk through the empty room.
Standing in front of the large abstract painting I realize that this is probably the first time that I've actually taken a good look at the art hanging everywhere. This particular painting is minimalistic, modern and plain ugly. I never asked Christian if he picked this out himself or that Gia the bitch did it for him. Did he really like this of did he just see it as a good investment. Probably the latter. Looking at the painting with more closely I decide that I don't like it. I mean, what is there to like? Someone just took a paintbrush and added streaks in gray, black and blue. Sam would have done a better job!
I really hope Christian likes colorful paintings, because that is my intention for our new home. I also want to create a picture wall, just like that one at the cottage.
With a sigh I make my way through the hallway until I end in front of Christian's closed office door. I open it carefully and stick my head inside. Frowning I take a step forward and the notice that his desk is a mess this is nothing like Christian. No matter how busy he is. He always cleans up everything. The first thing I notice are all small pieces of paper and red colored thread scattered across his desk. His laptop is open and I don't believe what I see. Simba is actually lying on top of the keyboard. I grab Simba and hug him to my chest. "You should be lucky that Christian didn't find you laying like this, because he is looking for an excuse to send you to China you know?" I place him on the floor and he actually has the nerve to look at me annoyed. Then he turns around and I can almost see the grin on his face when he jumps on Christian's pristine white couch. He stretches lazily and goes back to sleep, completely unaware of his surroundings. Amazing.
Looking around Christian's office, I take a seat on Christian's chair. Just when I am about to look more closely at one of those little papers the door flies open making me jump in the chair. Geez. He scared me half to death.
It's Sawyer. He better have news.
Expressionless I look at him, my both hands on Christian's desk. I seem calm, but my heart is pounding like crazy.
"I just received a call from Taylor. He found Mr. Grey ... they are now on their way to the hospital.
Taylor found him inside of the building unconscious. From what Taylor could see he isn't injured. They are taking him to Seattle Grace hospital and according to my information Dr. Trevelyan is working the night shift."
I just nod and without a word I follow Sawyer.
CPOV
"I want to go home!" I growl at the utterly annoying nurse. "I need to call my wife." I say exasperated. God damn they already did a chest x-ray, they did a blood test and they even attached a stupid looking probe at my finger. According to the nurse that is needed to determine the amount of oxygen in the blood.
"So you said about thirty times Mr. Grey. I need you to lay down and leave that oxygen mask where it belongs." She snaps. She is actually snapping at me. "And like doctor Trevelyan said, you are not supposed to talk either."
"My wife…"
"Your wife is on her way Mr. Grey!" She replies and shoves the mask back on my face.
The door flies open and a very angry looking Grace is standing in the doorway wearing her white coat. Fuck. Not good. Not good at all.
"Thank you Tanya…" My mother addresses the snapping nurse. I want to say that there is absolutely no need to thank little Ms. Snappy over here, but seeing my mother's face I decide not to. "I will take it from here."
"You're welcome Dr. Trevelyan…" Suck up.
My hand automatically goes to the mask that was just so unpleasantly shoved on my face, but it falls limp on the bed the moment my brain registers my mother's lifted eyebrow.
"If I see that hand close to that mask again, I will personally arrange for it to be cut off…" She hisses.
I give her a stupid nod and close my eyes preparing myself for the verbal torment that is coming my way in 3, 2, 1….
"What the hell possessed you Christian Trevelyan Grey!" I can't talk with this thing on my face…she knows that right?
"And you are supposed to be a smart man!" Guess I am not supposed to talk yet… She throws the chart on my bed making it land with a thud on my legs. She throws her hands in the air…totally exasperated.
"So, do you want to tell me what you were thinking when you entered that burning building Christian?" My mother crosses her arms in front of her chest and sighs. Are those tears in her eyes?
Ever so slowly I move my hand to the mask but it freezes midair when my mother zones her eyes on my hand. "Don't you dare take of that mask mister." Jesus Christ. Make up your mind already woman. "If you attempt one more time to pull that oxygen mask from your face, I will personally put an oxygen tube down your throat…" She takes a step closer and cocks her head to the side. "Understand Christian?" Totally…I totally understand. Don't want tube pushed down my throat. Don't touch the fucking oxygen mask. Got it.
I nod meekly.
"Good I thought you would." She says smugly.
"Now I am going to ask you a couple of questions and you only answer with a nod or a shake of that stupid head of yours…Is that understood?" I want to say that my head is not stupid, but instead I just nod.
"Does your throat hurt?" My mother has the chart in her hand and she is probably thinking of ways to hit me with it. Hard. Repeatedly. Often.
I nod.
"How is your breathing? Are you short of breath?"
Again a nod. Might as well be honest. My mother closes her eyes and I see the knuckles on her hand turn white. I swallow and even though I am fighting it I start coughing. Well shit.
"Do you have a headache?" Yup. But I decide to tone it down a bit so I motion with my thumb and forefinger. Just a little.
My mother moves closer and leans in. "I am going to remove the mask but you are not supposed to talk." Again I nod.
"Your eyes are red and irritated, I don't like the color of your skin and you have soot in your nostrils…"
Her eyes scan my face and for a second I see her face soften. With the utmost gentleness and love she brushes her lips against my fore head and kisses it. "I am still mad Christian…I am just thinking about an appropriate punishment." She whispers and shoves the fucking mask back on my mouth. I really don't like the sound of the appropriate punishment. Because my mother is the best in coming up with the most embarrassing punishments ever known to mankind.
"Any erectile dysfunctions?" What the fuck? My hand immediately flies to my junk. Yup…all there…
"Just kidding…" She turns around on her heels and scrapes a chair over the floor to sit next to me. "I think you are going to be just fine." She says giving me the evil eye.
"And now I am going to sit here until your wife arrives…I am going to tell you time and time again how stupid you have been and how dangerous it was to enter a burning building. A building that was surrounded by police and firemen….a building that was almost on the verge of collapsing before you decided to play superman, a building that collapsed ten minutes after Taylor dragged your sorry ass out of there."
I don't know what is scaring me more…her expression or her choice of words. My mother never talks that way. My mother never uses the words sorry ass. She is the epitome of grace and elegance.
She is right though. I should have never entered that fucking building. When it finally got through me I couldn't find my way back. The panic I felt was enormous… I couldn't get my breathing under control. I couldn't see and the heat was unbearable. I was actually afraid. There was one moment that I thought I was going to die and I could only see Ana's face in front of me.
When I woke up again I was in the back of an ambulance. My first thought again was …where is Ana. But then I fell back into unconsciousness.
Eying me suspiciously my mother straightens her skirt with both of her hands and folds them in their lap. "You were lucky that Taylor was right behind you Christian." Her voice thankfully seems softer now, however her eyes are saying something entirely different. I nod my head and close my eyes.
"We are going to keep you here for the night for observation. I want to be sure that your lungs are fully healed. And if I am happy tomorrow you will be released. I can proscribe you medication such as an inhaler if you still notice shortness of breath or pain medication. The hoarseness of your voice will probably reduce within the next few days."
Resolutely she stands from her chair and starts fussing with the sheets. "You are lucky that I am working a nightshift." My mother walks to the other side of the bed and tucks the sheets closer to my body. "Do you realize that some people who were attending that concert were less fortunate than you? Luckily the heavy smoke alerted them. There are no death casualties." Thank god.
"I am going to check on other patients. I will be back in one hour or so." My mother gives me a sweet peck on my cheek and brushes her hand through my hair. With a sad look in her eyes she shakes her head and walks towards the door. "Remember Christian." She says standing by the door. "I will find out if you remove that oxygen mask and the consequences will not be pretty."
It takes less than a minute before the door opens again. Ana. She is here. She came. God I can't wait to hold her in my arms and to tell her how sorry I am. If I only could talk.
Silently sobbing she practically runs to me and wraps her hands around my neck. She pushes her face in the crook of my neck and cries. I bring my arms up to her back and just hold her.
I have no idea how long we stay like this but when she finally stands up her teary eyes scan my face. "Are you in pain?" I shake my head. My hand moves to the mask but she stops me immediately.
"Don't …your mother told me that you need that oxygen…please…for me. We will talk later okay?" Her hand stays on mine and then she entwines our finger and rests them on my chest.
"I'm sorry that I didn't believe you…"She says crying again. "I'm sorry that I told you liar and to fuck off and go fuck yourself…" She wipes the tears from her face and then something changes in her eyes.
"What were you thinking anyway Christian?" She whispers. "Entering a burning building. I could have lost you…" Her face scrunches up and the tears start falling from her eyes again. I needed to make sure that you were all right Ana.
"Ethan and I didn't even make it to the concert. We were running late and then Ethan got sick…he is now at … hospital due to a stomach ulcer…I didn't have my phone with me and then things got really crazy and I tried I really tried to call you and when Sawyer told me that you took off to look for me I was in the hospital … nobody knew where you were Christian. What were you thinking in leaving without Taylor?" She stops talking and scans my face again "You look tired. Why don't you sleep…I will stay here with you." She looks at the chair my mother sat in just a few minutes ago. I tug her hand and move in the bed to make place for her. When she realizes what I'm doing she straightens her shoulders. "No…I am going to sit in the chair." The fuck you are.
I shake my head no and pull the covers up. "I don't want to hurt you…I don't want you to be uncomfortable…" She whispers again fighting back tears. You won't. You will only hurt me if you don't get into this bed with me.
She sighs and pulls off her black boots. "Just until you have fallen asleep."
The feeling that seizes my body at the moment Ana is lying next to me against me is incredible. It is indescribable. Her scent, her warm body and her hand entwined with mine. This is all I'll ever want or need. I love you Anastasia.
"I love you too Christian. Go to sleep." And with Ana safely next to me and in my arms I can finally give in to the exhaustion.
It's hot. I feel like I am suffocating. And nothing makes sense. It is like I am standing in the middle of a burning building and in the far distance I can hear giggling. Someone is giggling. I try to turn my head to see who is giggling but I can't. I can't move my head. The giggling is sweet and childish. It is not Ana's giggle. It is still too warm…and I can't move. It's like something is pressing against my chest. My throat hurts…I want to call out but no words come out.
Then suddenly I am seated in a meadow. The flowers surrounding us are beautiful…it is a field full of flowers….and forget me nots. It just doesn't make sense…forget me nots don't grow in meadows…
Giggling…there is more giggling. This time I am able to move my head…the pressure in my chest is gone and I feel happy…the sun is shining and I feel loved. The sound of the giggling is coming from the distance. Shielding my face against the sun and squinting my eyes I see this little girl bouncing in my direction. She is so beautiful. She reminds me of Ana.
The beautiful little girl is dancing and smiling…she is happy. She waves shyly and again I am reminded of Ana's shy smile…I feel my lips turning into a smile as I see her little hips moving, her little chubby arms waving in the air. The bright sun is shining on her little head reflecting her beautiful curly hair.
... there are streaks of copper woven in between her brown locks.
"Look at me…look at me…." She says happily. I am looking…I am…but I can't speak…
Bouncing the little girl makes her way towards me…she is wearing an adorable white dress that sways around her little frame every time she moves…"Did you see that…" She says happily. She is so happy. I notice a little white bunny dangling from her hand. I have seen that bunny before!
She comes closer and closer and then her eyes meet mine. Blue. They are striking blue…just like Ana's. She even has little freckles scattered along her little button nose. She smells like flowers and sunshine. I want to reach out and hold her…but I can't…I can't move.
Suddenly I feel cold again…she is moving…the little girl is waving at me. "Bye" she says.
No…no don't go…but I can't speak…I can't move…
"Bye…daddy…" The last words are just a faint whisper…but I heard them…she called me daddy…
"Christian…Christian! Wake up…please wake up…" No…no go away…I need to get to that little girl. I think everyone recognizes it. The moment you awaken from that one beautiful dream ... the only thing you then want to do is close your eyes and go back to that dream.
"Christian please!" My eyes snap open and I am met with teary blue eyes. Exactly like the little girl. "Ana…" Automatically my arms wrap around her waist and I push her against my chest.
"You were dreaming…" She whispers against my chest. "You looked so distressed…you were gasping for air…" I close my eyes tightly and feel miserable. The little girl is gone.
"Do you feel all right Christian? Should I call a doctor?"
"No…no doctor please. I feel fine…" I rasp.
"Your mother said that you should keep down the talking. They have removed the oxygen mask, but she said that if you feel short of breath or struggle with breathing that …"
"Just hold me Ana…"
A few hours later I am sitting on the couch in the great room which is filled with people. I don't know why they felt the need to see me when I am doing perfectly fine. Still overwhelmed by that dream, but fine.
Ana is smiling and making conversation to everyone while she keeps walking to the kitchen preparing snacks and drinks. Every now and then I see her looking in my direction making sure if I am all right. When I smile she smiles back and continues with what she was doing. We still didn't get the chance to talk because ever since we step foot into the apartment her grandparents were already waiting here for us.
I catch little pieces from conversations, but if I am totally honest I can't be bothered. I just want to be alone with my wife.
"Want to go outside to the balcony to grab some fresh air man?" Elliot is watching me with concern.
"Sure…let's go…"
"Do you want to talk about it?" Elliot says after we have been sitting just staring in the distance.
"No."
"Already thought you wouldn't." He states. He takes a bite of one of Nana's muffins and groans in delight. Fucker. He is eating my muffins. "These are really good…I prefer those banana muffins Nana makes, but these are not bad at all…damn they have these enormous chunks of chocolate" He says smugly.
"Mia arrived one hour ago." He continues. "She looked like shit…" I just nod and take a zip of the tea Ana's grandmother made me. Tea…fucking tea. I despise tea. "She said that she will stop by tomorrow…Ethan is going to be released soon…"
The silence stretches between us, and I know that my brother is growing anxious. He can't stand the silence. That's probably the reason why he never shuts the fuck up. I on the other hand love silence…except if I am listening to Ana's voice…
"Nickelback made a statement; they set up a charity to help the victims of the fire. They also stated that they have set a special team to investigate the fire."
"That's the least they can do…" I murmur.
"Well if the contractor screwed up he is going to be in a shit load of trouble man…" Elliot shudders at the thought and pops the remaining piece of muffin in his mouth.
Suddenly Elliot stands up from the recliner and stretches his arms then he smacks the back of my head.
"Dickhead! What was that for?" I say rubbing the back of my head. Fuck that actually hurt.
"That was for entering a burning building you asshole! Just remember…" He points his big finger at me. "Next time I am going to kick your ass and then eat all of those muffins!"
"You already ate all of my muffins you idiot!" However Elliot doesn't seem impressed by my little outburst at all. Because he simply wiggles his eyebrows and flips me the bird. Asshole.
"Your bath is ready…" Ana says. She is dressed in a silk pink pajama. Her hair is fastened on top of her head in a loose bun and her face is clean of makeup. She looks absolutely beautiful.
"Aren't you joining me?" I ask gliding into the warm water.
She thinks about it and then shrugs. "Okay…but no funny business. You heard your mother. No exertion." She smiles sweetly and awaits my answer with her arms crossed in front of her chest.
"I promise" I answer begrudgingly. "Now come here gorgeous." In a matter of seconds Ana is sliding into the warm water and leaning with her back against my chest.
"You could have died Christian…" Ana whispers. I close my eyes and feel my heartrate pike up.
She turns around and sits down on her knees between my legs. The tears sliding slowly down her face as she looks at me. She then slide her finger down my face starting at the miniscule scar at my eyebrow. Never leaving her eyes off me Ana slowly slides her finger along the two day stubble covering my cheeks and chin to my lips. There she lingers a little longer. It is like she wants to remember every little detail. With her hand on my cheek her eyes move to my neck and then my chest. Shifting her body she leans down and kisses all of my scars on my chest.
"I'm sorry Ana…" I lean my head against hers. "I am so sorry about everything…" She nods her head and slowly moves her head so that she is able to look at me. "I know…I am sorry too Christian…" She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "Promise you will never pull a stunt like that ever again…"
"I promise…" I say without letting her finish her sentence.
"The next time we fight…let us fix thing before we go our own way. If something would have happened to you my last words wouldn't have been pretty Christian…"
"It is a deal." I say pulling her closer even though it is almost impossible.
"Why didn't you tell me about the psychic Christian?"
"I know it was wrong…" I start. "But I thought I was making the right decision by keeping you out of that. I didn't want you to live in fear…and after what happened…I just didn't want to put more stress on you…"
"How would you feel if I kept you in the dark from something like that?" Her fingers are making little circles on my chest as she asks me this. I don't reply because we both know how I would feel…the exact same way as Ana felt when she found out.
"Do you still have a headache?" She asks now completely changing the subject.
"No I don't…I feel good baby. Please don't worry about it okay?"
'Why didn't you call Ethan or the CPO's?" She asks after a while.
"I don't know. When I found out that you had left your phone here I just needed to make sure that you got it. Then I heard on the radio about the fire…all thoughts left my mind Ana. I couldn't think rationally. I needed to get to you. The only thing I could think about was "what if Ana is stuck in that building?"
She nods and sighs. "Don't do stupid things like that anymore okay?"
"Promise." I kiss her temple and hold her against my chest.
"Ana…in the hospital when you woke me…I was having this dream about a little girl." She moves her head and blinks up to look at me. I then tell her about my confusing dream. And that it somehow felt so real.
"That little girl was carrying a little white bunny in her hands…and I just have this feeling that I saw that bunny before…" I muse.
Ana gasps making me look at her.
"I have a white bunny…it is at Bainbridge Island in one of those boxes. Ray gave me that bunny when I was about four years old. I think my grandmother made that for me."
"Wow…" I whisper.
"Yeah but you know your mind sometimes does crazy things Christian. It mixes your dreams with pieces of reality…they are confusing as shit…"
"You are right…"
Ana shifts and moves to sit between my legs. My arms automatically wrap themselves around her tiny waist.
"I made an appointment with my OB/GYN for next week…"
"Why?"
"I don't know. I have read in several magazines and articles that the first period after a miscarriage is normally heavy and accompanied by severe cramping. I didn't have any of those symptoms and I think I'm a little worried…"
"Okay…I will go with you. Just tell me which day and I will tell Andrea to rearrange my schedule. Maybe we can plan something nice for that day…"
"Okay…that sounds really nice." Ana entwines her fingers with mine and leans back.
A few hours later I am still awake. I just can't seem to shake of that dream. Without waking Ana I get out of bed and make my way to my office. Fuck. What a mess.
Carelessly I shove everything to one side and fire up my laptop. After a few minutes of searching through the internet that's when I find what I was looking for.
It seems that Sigmund Freud wrote extensively about dream theories and their interpretations.
He explained dreams as manifestations of our deepest desires and anxieties.
Leaning back in my chair I stare at the Seattle sky. Maybe that's what the dream was all about…my deepest desires.
Since I won't be posting during this month I want to wish you all amazing holidays.
Christmas is about sharing and spending time with family and friends. It's about creating happy memories with those you love. Merry Christmas.
Take care.
Alner.