Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)

A/N: Thank you for your reviews, every time I read them I smile so widely that my cheeks hurt!

Have a Merry Christmas and happy holidays!

What we have once enjoyed
we can never lose;
All that we love deeply,
becomes a part of us.

-Helen Keller-

Worship

BPOV

The bed was curiously soft under my aching body. The realization puzzled me; my hospital bed was usually hard and uncomfortable. Maybe I was still dreaming.

I might as well enjoy the dream, then. It was rare when I felt so content. I turned on my other side without opening my eyes, my bandaged hand squeezing the pillow under my head. I wondered how busy Carlisle would be today. He would probably come and change the bandage before afternoon, even though the nurse was fully capable of doing it. Even I was fully capable of doing it if I had the chance to try. But I knew he would insist on doing it himself.

Thinking about Carlisle made me suddenly feel odd. It was as though I had forgotten something important about him. Something elusive... a dream, maybe.

My eyes burst open as I remembered. I was at his house. The room was as blue as it had been last night. I had arrived here yesterday and Jasper had thrown a snowball at Carlisle... I remembered how the melting snow had glistened in his golden hair. I sat up quick ly, swallowing the hisses of pain as my back protested the sudden movement. I realized that I had slept through the night without waking up - and I hadn't had a single nightmare.

Nice.

A soft knock on the door shook me from my thoughts. The knob was turned, and soon Alice peeked inside, a happy smile on her face.

"Morning," she twittered as she stepped inside, carrying a steaming mug in her hand. "How did you sleep?"

I sat up more straight to give her room to sit down. The warm mug felt wonderful around my fingers as Alice handed it over to me.

"Really good," I replied as I sipped the tea. "Thanks."

She gave me a beaming smile and inquired if I was hungry. I pondered it for a moment. I knew I probably should eat something unless I wanted Carlisle to hook me up with wires and tubes.

"Not really. But maybe I'll eat something later," I promised, consuming the rest of the tea; it tasted like berries and cinnamon, and it was really sweet. I was positive that Carlisle had prepared it and added some extra sugar in it to give me more energy. The gesture was small, and for someone else it would have been rather insignificant. But it made me feel warm.

After drinking the tea, Alice helped me up so I could take a shower. She didn't push her help on me, but lingered in the bathroom in case I needed aiding. The bathroom was attached to Carlisle's bedroom, and I let my gaze wander around the ivory walls greedily. The room was luxurious, but not too extravagant.

Alice left me to shower by myself, but I was sure that she was listening to my every move and scanning my future for any possible dangers - such as slipping on a bar of soap, slicing my wrist open with a cap of a shampoo bottle, or anything else that had 'this could happen to Bella' -label on it. I had gotten used to fussing around and hustling. The nurses in the hospital were a lot more intrusive and pushy than Alice was. I knew that they only did their job, but seeing Alice give me a little bit of privacy made me feel gratitude towards her.

Putting on my clothes was a little more challenging. My limbs were stiff and achy, but I managed to wriggle myself into my underwear and jeans, and even putting on my socks was easy. Then I glanced at the blue fabric in my hands; Alice had brought it to me a few minutes ago, insisting that I should wear it. I didn't bother to argue with her. I knew it was pointless.

A soft knock on the door made me sigh. Alice pranced inside, tugging the soft blue sweater from my fingers.

"Sit," she ordered, pointing at the closed lid of the toilet seat with her finger.

"I'm not your dog," I grumbled, only partly annoyed. I sat down, lifting up my arms so that Alice could work my head and arms through the right holes of the sweater. The fabric was really soft and warm, and I found myself brushing my fingers against the material. Alice looked smug as she took the towel and and started to fluff my moist hair with it. She was being very careful with it, and I didn't have to warn her about yanking too hard. My hair still fell off every now and then, but it had lessened after I had stopped the treatments.

I returned in my memories to the evening when I had informed Carlisle that I didn't want to continue with them anymore. I remembered how upset he had been after hearing me say those words, and I remembered how the ink from the pen had stained his beautiful skin when his control had slipped for one tiny second... And tI remembered how I had been upset after hearing him offer to change me so I wouldn't have to die.

He was still waiting for my answer, as were Jasper and Alice. I was positive he had told them about his offer - it concerned them as well, after all. I wondered if he had shared the news of my presence with Rosalie and Emmett. I was ashamed when I remembered what kind of a fit I had thrown when he had offered to grant me immortality. And it pained me to know that I was making them wait for my decision. The time I had left was ticking, and day after day my body was closer to failing. Even if I had accepted my fate, I knew that Carlisle hadn't. And I hated to make him wait. I hated myself for the pain and worry I was causing him.

So why couldn't I make myself decide?

"You look grim. Don't you like the color?"

Alice's soprano made me wrench myself from the thoughts. I glanced at the fabric I was fiddling with my fingers. The sweater was a very beatiful shade of blue; it was the same color my prom dress had been years ago.

Edward had liked the blue color against my skin.

"Yeah," I murmured, sensing Alice's golden stare. "The color is nice."

I pushed myself up, and Alice wrapped her arm around my hip. Not to keep me upright or to support me. She just seemed utterly happy to be able to dress me again and spend time with me. And when I looked at her face beaming with joy, I couldn't help but smile back. This felt familiar. But the familiarity didn't bring back the usual panic and sadness this time. I wondered why not.

The trip downstairs was as slow as I expected it to be. I had to move carefully and leisurely to prevent the dizziness. After decending two flights of stairs I had to sit down to catch my breath.

Alice hesitated before sitting down one step lower. The joy had disappeared from her eyes, and even though she tried to hide it, I could see that she was worried.

"It's okay," I reassured her. "This is normal."

We sat in silence for a few minutes until my heart calmed down a bit. It was never too calm these days; I had almost gotten used to how fast it was beating, even in rest.

The silence of the house seemed now more prominent, and I was sure that somewhere in the house Carlisle was listening to my every breath, waiting for the tiniest reason to rush in here and start fussing. I started to get up, holding onto the railing. Alice grabbed my arm, and I knew she was just itching to swing me into her arms and whisk me down the stairs. But she didn't, and I was grateful that she didn't patronize me.

We peeked into the living room on our way to the kitchen. Jasper was kneeled in front of the fireplace, starting the fire. He greeted me with a smile as we passed by. Carlisle was in the kitchen as I had expected him to be. He was pouring hot water in the mug once again, brewing me another portion of tea. He turned to us as we enterned with Alice, smiling so widely that I could see the straight line of his perfectly white teeth.

"Morning," he greeted with his honey voice as he gestured me to sit down.

"Morning," I answered, sitting down on the chair Alice had pulled for me. She sprinted across the kitchen to peek inside the cabinets.

"Did you get any sleep?" Carlisle queried as he gave me the tea.

I told him that it had been a long time since I had slept so well. He seemed pleased, but not surprised. It made me wonder how closely he had monitored me during the night.

Alice set a bowl of vegetable soup in front of me. I thanked her quietly. The soup smelled wonderful; the salty and spicy aroma made my mouth water. It looked so delicious that I had to have a taste, even though I wasn't very hungry.

It tasted as good as it looked. Alice grinned smugly as she stated that she had known that I would like it. Of course she had.

Carlisle sat down next to me, unfolding a newspaper on top of the table. For a moment I wondered how they got their mail all the way here. The house was practically in the middle of nowhere, so it must be difficult for the mailman to even find his way here. Maybe Jasper or somebody else had literally made a run to the city and picked up the paper.

I was able to eat the other half of the soup. Alice didn't seem to mind that I wasn't able to finish it, only ushering me to drink the rest of the tea as she rinsed the dish. My eyes swept the large kitchen, and I set my gaze eventually on the window. The day had already dawned, and suddenly I couldn't take my eyes off the scenery outside the window. I stretched my neck to see better, half rising up from my chair.

The forest was snowy and enchanting; the pines were almost touching the skies. I wondered if I was able to wrap my arms around the tree trunks - they seemed so thick and massive that it made me wonder how old they were. Suddenly I had an urge to go into the forest, to clasp the cold snow between my palms. To feel how it melted on my skin. And it was curious, because usually I hated snow, even more than I hated rain.

"Do you like it?"

Carlisle's angelic voice penetrated into my mind. My eyes were still glued to the window, and I tore my gaze away from the forest and turned to him, leaning back in my chair.

"Yeah. It's so beautiful out here," I answered. I wondered if he let me go outside, even for once during my stay here.

Carlisle folded the newspaper in half neatly. "It is. It's a little bit off the map, but at least it's quiet and peaceful."

His words remided me of what Edward had said when he had first brought me to his home in Forks. I had been in awe; the house had been very similar to this one. Edward had said that the house was the only place they never had to hide. My smile faltered a bit, and my heart twitched in pain as always when I remembered Edward. I focused my thoughts to something else to prevent the emerging emotions. My gaze wandered around the light kitchen, and back to the window once more. I got up from the chair slowly, and made my way to the counter under the window, brushing my fingers against the dark granite.

I decided that I liked this house better than the one in Forks. Maybe it was the lack of memories that I liked. Or maybe the house had some sort of charm in it; it would be difficult to be here and not enjoy the surroundings.

And time passed differently in here.

I noticed this when I was sitting on the living room floor in front of the fireplace with Alice. Carlisle and Jasper were also present; they were sitting on the couch and discussed about something that was too difficult for my small brain to understand while Alice told me about hers and Jasper's Europe travels. They had been to so many amazing places with Jasper that for a short moment I envied her for being able to move so freely. As freely as she could, considering that she was a vampire. The weather must have caused some sort of restrictions for them.

I glanced at the clock and was surprised to see that it was already past three in the afternoon. The time had flown, even though we hadn't been doing anything. Maybe it was because I had no way to measure time like in the hospital. There were no nurses tramping around once in every hour, no empty walls to stare... But in here, I had just been sitting and talking, occasionally trying to read a magazine, only to return to the earlier discussion with Alice. And the hours had passed without me even noticing.

Not that I would have had an energy to be any more active than that - they all knew it. Apparently Carlisle had filled them in pretty well about my condition.

It seemed like I wasn't the only one who had difficulty to keep track of time. I noticed Carlisle glancing at his wristwatch, and he grimaced. "Bella, you should try to eat something," he said, as if apologizing for not paying enough attention to my human needs. He got up from the couch, reaching out with his hands to help me on my feet. My legs were numb from sitting on the floor so long, and I staggered a bit. No surprise there.

Carlisle was forced to grab me. He was holding onto my hip with his hand while the other gripped my shoulder. His touch was like an electric shock, and it made a shiver travel through my spine.

"I'm okay," I muttered as I forced myself to look quickly into his eyes. Not too long, though. His eyes were too enchanting.

Carlisle led me into the kitchen, keeping his hand on my back just in case. I sat on my regular seat, watching as Carlisle warmed up the soup I had been eating earlier. He declined my offer when I suggested that I could warm my own food, telling him there was no need to serve and spoil me. He gave me a small and tender smile.

"Just take it easy, Bella," he told me. "I am quite delighted to do this."

As I ate my meal with poor appetite, I started to wonder if staying home was at all frustrating for Carlisle. And I didn't know exactly how long I would be staying here. We hadn't agreed on any particular number of days. Carlisle would have to go back to the hospital at some point. I didn't want him to keep him here. He belonged to the hospital, working with people. Doing the job he truly loved.

"What are you thinking?"

I glanced up from my soup to see Carlisle's eyes studying me. He had sat down on the opposite side of the table - not next to me as he usually did. Maybe he didn't want to crowd me as I ate. His blond hair shone in the lighting, and it looked like he had run his fingers through his hair many times.

I cracked a piece of the cracker Carlisle had given me, chewing it slowly to have more time to think.

"Nothing special," I muttered when I couldn't figure out anything better to say.

Carlisle chuckled quietly at my words. "Nothing and everything, right?" he asked teasingly, referring to our conversation last night. I shrugged mutely. His golden eyes searched and studied me, as if he saw something that he found intriguing. I tried to ignore his gaze for a moment, without success.

"Are you going to stare me until I reveal my thoughts to you?" I asked.

He flashed a cheerful smile at me; it made him look much younger. In that moment he looked like the twenty-three year old man he physically was. With a startle I realized that we were the same age - physically.

Weird.

"Possibly," he answered after a moment, his soft voice laced with honey.

I cleared my throat to focus. "Okay," I began. "I was actually thinking about you working at the hospital. Don't they hate you there when you have to be here stuck with me?"

"I managed to get several days off," he assured. "Apparently my boss thinks that I'm 'a bright young man who has been working very hard'." He changed his tone a bit, apparently to mimic his superior. It made me chuckle.

Carlisle rose from his chair to sit down next to me, and he started to unwrap the gauze from my hand to check how the cuts were healing. He told me to wait for a moment, and then he was only a blur to the eye as he moved with his natural speed. I didn't even manage to start guessing where he had gone when the air current against my skin told me that he had returned. He was carrying a bottle of disinfectant solution and a gauze roll.

"You hand is healing quite well," he stated as he wiped the cold liquid against the scabs. After that he wrapped the white gauze around it.

I almost missed what he had just said, because my gaze had wandered to the window again. There was a bright light filtering through the forest; the sun had decided to peek behind the clouds before decending to the west. I barely registered that Carlisle was finished with my hand. My legs worked on their own accord as I pushed myself up from the table and walked over to the window.

It had been so long since I had seen the sun. I had already thought that I wouldn't get the chance to see it ever again.

But now I had.

I didn't want to blink. I tried to absorb every ray and beam with my eyes before the golden giant would disappear. The black granite countertop glistened under my palms as the sun cast its orange light on it. I followed the luminous trail, slowly turning away from the window.

Carlisle was still standing next to my chair, in the shadows. The light of the sun didn't manage to reach him. He studied me once again, a smile in his eyes.

Suddenly I felt this need. The need to see him, to see how the sun made his marble skin glow.

He took a step closer, as if he had heard my soundless request. But he was still in the shadows, hiding. I quirked my eyebrow at him, as if to dare him to step forward.

His eyes never let my face as he finally stepped into the light. He didn't look at the sun, as though he had seen it enough times already. Maybe he had. But it still made me wonder why he stared at me like that. Like I was something worth watching.

All coherent thoughts left my mind as the rays of the sun touched his pale skin. If the sun had been beautiful and fascinating to me a few seconds ago, it was nothing compared to what I saw now. Millions and millions of diamonds gleamed on Carlisle's skin. The sight made me gasp a bit, and I knew that I could never get used to how beautiful he was. It took me a moment to realize that I had reached out with my bandaged hand to brush my finger against his neck. I couldn't bring myself to worry if it bothered him - I just wanted to touch. To feel.

His skin was smooth and cold as usually, hard and soft at the same time. Silky, mellow, luminous... There were no words to describe the man before my eyes. Words didn't do justice to him.

He suddenly raised his hand to gently grab my own that was tracing patterns against his neck. Regret filled me; I realized I was being very inappropriate. I shouldn't put him in a difficult and uncomfortable situation such as this. But against my expectations, he didn't give me an apologetic smile to soften his rejection. His hand molded against mine, and his gaze was still glued to my eyes as he lifted my knuckles to his lips. I couldn't decipher his expression, but for one fleeting second I felt like I was being worshipped.

His breath made my skin tingle. Not just the skin in my hand but everywhere. My whole body was tingling.

Maybe it was the lack of oxygen. Maybe all the remaining cells in my body were dying. They could died for all I cared - this certainly was a good way to die.

I drew in a deep breath as he removed his lips from my gauze-covered hand. He wore a small smile as he clasped my hand more firmly instead of letting it drop from his grasp. His other hand raised to touch a lock of my hair.

"You have a red tone to your hair," he murmured suddenly. "I suppose some things need sunlight to be revealed."

I had managed to get my ability to form words back. "Yeah, you're telling me," I said, indicating to his sparkling skin. He chuckled softly.

The cloud covered the setting sun once again, making the room more darker. But it didn't erase the beauty of Carlisle's appearance. Nothing could. He was not only beautiful on the outside; on the inside he was even more beautiful, and that beauty took my breath away. Was there anyone who was more kind than him, more compassionate? More human?

No.

Carlisle was more human than I was. He was more human that I could ever hope to be. I tore my gaze from his eyes, gazing into the dimming afternoon. And I felt that same urge than in the morning, to go into the forest and explore what the snow and cool air felt like. I decided to open my mouth before chickening out.

"Would it be okay if we went outside for a moment?" I would have crossed my fingers if Carlisle hadn't been holding my hand. It didn't feel at all awkward, standing here face to face, his cold hand clasping mine. It felt natural, safe.

Carlisle pondered my request, biting his lower lip in a very human-like manner. He was still worried that I would get even more sick. Eventually he gave me a nod and squeezed my hand before letting it go. "Sure. Maybe getting some fresh air would be good for you."

I peeked inside the living room on our way to the staircase. Jasper was sitting alone in the room, a heavy volume opened in his lap. He lifted his gaze from the text as he sensed my presence, smiling at me quickly. "Alice is already upstairs, choosing some warmer clothes for you," he said, trying to keep his voice neutral and even.

I shook my head and huffed. "Of course she is," I remarked, chuckling.

I attempted to climb the stairs breezily, refusing to show my possible fatigue to Carlisle who was climbing beside me. I managed it pretty well until I got to the third floor; that's when I was getting out of breath and the floor started to tilt under my feet.

Carlisle wasted no time as he helped me to sit down on the soft bench that rested on the hallway. At first he was being very quiet; apparently his concern for me had surpassed all the words. I wanted to reassure him, to tell him that he had no reason to worry. But he opened his mouth first, just when I was about to start speaking.

"Maybe we should leave the walk for tomorrow. You should get some rest," he suggested. I shook my head.

"I feel fine. I just moved too quickly."

His eyes were studying me, trying to see the truth behind my words.

"I want to go out, even just for a moment," I tried to convince him. "I want to see the forest." I didn't know why it was so important to me to see the forest closer. But it called out to me, drawing me in.

Apparently Carlisle saw my determination. Or maybe he was pleased that I was willing to be so active. "Alright," he consented. "But you'll let me carry you if you get tired. And you'll eat something before going to bed."

His words made me frown in a sulking manner. He knew how to play.

"Those are my conditions, Bella," he said. His voice was serious, and I wondered if I had upset him. But then I saw a small grin making the other side of his lips quirk. "Take it or leave it."

I gritted my teeth as I glared him under my brow. "Fine," I huffed, choiceless.

If Carlisle was triumphant, he didn't show it. He wore an expression that recflected just calm and contentment. I didn't have the chance to resist as he suddenly slid his arms behind my back and knees. I let out a sound of surprise as he lifted me up into his arms and started to make his way to the stairs in a steady human pace.

"Hey!" My huffy voice echoed in the silent house. "Carrying me upstairs wasn't a part of the deal!"

"I am aware of that," he chuckled, obviously enjoying my annoyment.

"You're not playing fair," I complained, trying to forget how close his perfect body was to mine.

"That is a habit I have picked up from Alice, I'm afraid."

I snorted quietly at his words. After a few more steps we were nearing the bedroom. Carlisle pushed the door open with his elbow, carrying me inside the blue room. Alice was folding clothes on top of the bed, wearing an expression that reflected deep concentration and ponderment. Her goldenbrown eyes narrowed as she observed the clothing. She apparently had difficulty to decide what should I wear.

"This one," she eventually stated. I wasn't sure if she was talking to me or to herself.

Carlisle lowered me down on the floor, wrapping his arm around my waist in case I didn't feel steady. But his concern was proved to be unnecessary. The dizziness had passed and I felt fine again. I started to evaluate the black wool jacket and the pair of black sweatpants that Alice had folded on the bed. They looked warm and comfy.

"Jasper wants to go hunting," she informed Carlisle before stepping out of the room. Carlisle acknowledged her words with a nod, and I heard them speaking quietly with barely audible words.

I stepped closer to the bed, taking the sweatpants in my hands. The material was soft and thick, and it made me wonder that maybe I should have told Alice that I'm not going to Antartica. In any case I started to yank them up my legs, leaning against the bed for support. I didn't bother to take the jeans off - I would stay a lot warmer if I had two layers of clothing on me.

I managed to get the pants on without any incidents. Carlisle didn't seem to be bothered by my slow movements, and he waited patiently as I dressed, ready to step in if I got off balance.

I glanced at the black jacket on the bed, only find out it wasn't on the there anymore; Carlisle was already holding it open for me. I slid my arms into the warm coat, and equipped myself with a wool hat and a pair of mittens.

The way to downstairs was easier than the way up, and I gave Carlisle no reason to carry me; my steps were steady and I didn't feel at all weak. I had to admit that I hadn't felt this good in a long time. Maybe getting out of the hospital was a better idea than I had thought.

Carlisle grabbed himself a coat from the hangar before opening the door, probably doing so out of habit. I wondered how low the temperature had to go until he got cold.

The sun had set almost completely during our time upstairs, only a thin streak of light enlightening the sky. It was the time of twilight. The snow creaked beneath our shoes as we made our way down the stone steps of the porch. The air was very crisp, so cold it almost burned in my throat and lungs, but I didn't complain.

"It will be a starry night," Carlisle whispered into the silence. His smooth voice didn't manage to break the stillness, though. It was almost as if his voice belonged to it. I glanced at the sky. It was mostly dark, covered with clouds, but some of them were very sheer. I found myself hoping that I would be able to stay up long enough to see the stars.

Our pace was slow as we walked on the trampled path towards the forest. It was a narrow footpath; Carlisle and I barely managed to walk side by side. His elbow brushed against my arm every once in a while. Somewhere far away a flock of ravens, or at least I thought they were ravens, took off from the trees. Carlisle laughed quietly beside me.

"Alice and Jasper," he explained. I wondered what kind of an animal they had been stalking.

"Can you hear them all the way to here?" I asked, curious about how good his hearing was. I knew he could easily hear the sound of a heartbeat from severeal hundred yards away, for instance. But that place up there in the mountains where the ravens had took off had to gave been at least a couple of miles away.

"Vaguely," he answered. "I can't hear what they are talking about, for instance. Alice's giggling can be quite clamorous, though," he chuckled.

I reached out to brush my mitten covered hand against a thick pine that grew by the path. I wondered how old this particular pine was; it would be impossible for me to wrap my arms around it.

"It's a very old tree," Carlisle said, guessing what I was thinking. "I estimate that most of the trees around the house are at least two hundred years old."

I glanced at him, smirking a bit. "Not as ancient as you are, then," I teased.

Carlisle pursed up his lips, pretending to be offended. But I could see behind his pretense; the smile in his eyes revealed him. "If you were a little healthier, I would give you a roll in the snow for your foul words," he threatened.

"You wouldn't," I laughed. The thought of rolling in the cold snow made me shiver involuntarily. I cursed myself as Carlisle raised his brow, noting my shivering.

I started to march deeper into the forest before he would suggest that we should go back. Carlisle had no choice but to follow me.

The forest was getting more dense around us. I bent my neck to see the sky through the tree branches. It was like a dark canvas, a bright evening star twinkling from above. I stopped on my tracks, admiring the tiny source of light.

"Venus," Carlisle whispered beside me. "You couldn't see the stars from the city. Luckily the light pollution doesn't quite reach all the way over here."

"It's beautiful," I whispered, turning my head towards him, even though I couldn't see his face properly. It was too dark for my eyes to see.

A shiver rippled through me again, and now I truly was cold. My fingers were getting numb inside the mittens.

Wordlessly, Carlisle set his palm on my shoulder and turned me around on the path. I couldn't have persuated him to stay even if I had wanted to. Of course it would have been wonderful to stay, to watch the clouds receding and see each star igniting, one after another. But I was cold, and suddenly weary. The house looked warm and inviting behind the trees. I noticed that Alice had put Christmas lights on the windows.

My heart was racing once again, and Carlisle heard it. "I'll carry you the rest of the way," he said.

"No, it's fine - " I started to protest, only to find out that the ground beneath my feet disappeared as Carlisle lifted me up in his arms.

"We had a deal, Bella," he reminded, a teasing smile making his lips quirk. But behind his small smile I could see worry. And I hated to make him worry. I curled my palm on his shoulder, silently complying.

After a moment he was already climbing the steps of the porch. I reached out with my other hand to turn the knob, yanking the door open to help him.

Carlisle whisked me straight to the living room, lowering me on my feet in front of the fireplace. He took the coat from me after I shrugged it off and threw it carelessly to the couch in a such fashion that Alice would disapprove without a doubt. The red mittens joined the jacket and I eagerly spread my fingers, warming them in front of the fire.

After a moment the joints in my hands worked better, now when I had managed to get the blood circulating once again. Carlisle suddenly seemed to be afraid to touch me; maybe he was worried that if his cold skin even as much as brushed against mine I would freeze to death or something. After covering me with a blanket he rushed into the kitchen, presumably starting to make me a cup of hot tea. I groaned inwardly as I remembered the second part of our little deal. I had promised him that I would eat something before going to bed.

The fire crackled and spat as the red flames consumed the wood. I was getting warm, and maybe a little sleepy, although it wasn't at all late. The fresh air had managed to wear me out. I sat down in front of the fireplace, curling my legs beneath me.

Carlisle emerged from the kitchen after a moment, carrying a cup of hot tea in his hand and a small plate in another. I took the tea from him gratefully. "Thanks," I said, giving him a small smile.

He lowered his stone body next to mine, not sitting too close, as if he was still worrying that his mere presence would make me chilly.

Alice had made me cookies. I was pleasantly suprised; I had expected Carlisle to force me to eat something healthy and nourishing.

"Alice has really made an effort," I said, amused but very pleased as I nibbled at the cookie. It tasted even better than it smelled. It still amazed me that she was such a good cook despite the fact that she didn't eat herself.

"She has," Carlisle answered. "She is very excited to have you here with us. As is Jasper," he assured. I lifted my eyebrow, as if to ask 'How about you?'.

His smile was warm, and his gaze as heated as the fire inside the fireplace. The flames reflected from his goldenbrown eyes as he studied me. "And you being here brings peace to my soul, if I possess one," he said simply.

How could one sentence say so much?

"Of course you posses one," I answered immediately, my tone a little disapproving. How could he still even consider questioning the existence of his soul? His goodness? His words reminded me of the conversation we had had on that night over five years ago. I still bore a scar from that evening; the one in my arm and the other in my heart.

I felt the need to say something else to him, but I didn't know what. I wondered what was going through his mind at the moment. He was very quiet.

After a moment his posture changed, and he glanced towards the door of the living room. It took me a few seconds to be able to hear what he heard; the front door opened and banged closed as Alice and Jasper came in. They were only a blur to my eyes as they rushed into the living room, both of their eyes bright golden once again.

Jasper's eyes were curious as he noted the feelings in the room. He probably wondered the reason for my confusion and sadness. I was painfully unaware of Carlisle's feelings.

"How was your walk?" Alice asked as she lowered her slender body to the couch next to Jasper. "Are the cookies okay?" she asked, unable to contain her worry. As if it would be a huge disaster if she had managed to ruin the cookies.

"Great," I said, answering to both of her questions. "It's so beautiful and calm in here," I offered, letting my eyes sweep Carlisle's face to see if he was himself again. He wore a small smile, but I could see that he was lost in his thoughts. I drank the rest of the tea quickly, realising that I had managed to eat the whole cookie, and it surprised me a bit. "Thanks for the tea," I commended Carlisle as I started to get up, taking the tea cup and the plate with me. I intended to take them back to the kitchen myself, but Carlisle wouldn't hear of it. As he disappeared into the hallway, Jasper patted the couch next to him invitingly. It still surprised me that he didn't keep his usual distance. I trusted him not to hurt me, but I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable, and my presence and the scent of my blood usually managed to cause that to him. But apparently not anymore, or not as much as it had used to, at least.

I sat down next to Jasper. The atmosphere was comfortable in the room with the fire crackling. The light of the flames danced on the floor and created shadows in the room. I heard Carlisle running water over something in the kitchen.

"How was your hunting trip?" I asked, breaking the comfortable silence.

"Very nice," Alice answered with her chiming voice. "The mountains are so beautiful this time of year." She looked at Jasper with pure love shining in her eyes. They seemed to have a bond that was almost magical; it made me wonder how they had met. I should ask Alice some day. Or maybe Carlisle would be willing to tell their story. I surprised myself by being so curious about their relationship. Usually when it came to love and emotions I tried not to pay attention. Maybe it was because of the sadness I still carried inside me.

Alice came to sit on the other side of me. Even thought I was now sitting between the two cold marble bodies, I was feeling warm. Inside and outside.

Alice's nimble fingers reached out for a fashion magazine and she started to flick through it. Her enthusiastic voice echoed in the room as she started rambling about the pieces of clothing and accessories. Her words were mostly pure gibberish to me; I nodded every once in a while, pretending to be listening.

The rest of the evening passed the same way. Carlisle came back from the kitchen and after a moment Jasper had engaged him in a conversation about some philosophical theory. Most of Alice's words went over my head, but it didn't bother me. I felt content to see the three of them so happy and casual.

Eventually I started to get tired, and before long Carlisle announced that I should get some sleep. I stifled a yawn as Alice helped me up from the couch. Before exiting the room I glanced over my shoulder to see the two angelic creatures sitting on the couch, their blonde hairs glowing in the dim lighting. I bid them goodnight, wondering how was it like for them with no need to sleep. Their time was endless; would they ever grow bored?

I stumbled through my evening rituals and human moments, but only figuratively for once. Keeping my eyes open while I was brushing my teeth was surprisingly difficult. Alice had brought me a fresh pair of pajamas; they were made of black satin. The material felt smooth and silky against my skin. I expected to be cold inside the sheer fabric, but actually I was quite comfortable.

The bed was soft and warm as Alice guided me into it. I heard her say something, but I couldn't catch the words. Before falling to sleep, the last thing I saw was her happy smile and her golden eyes glowing in the light of the bedside lamp.

My dreams were restless; blurs of dark colors and howling screams chased me. Anguish conquered me so powerfully that it made me wake with a start.

I felt vexed. Last night had been so calm, and I had finally managed to get enough sleep. But I guess I couldn't get two good nights in a row. I didn't have such a good luck. I switched on the lamp to see what time it was. Three thirty in the morning. Awesome.

I switched the light off, turning to my side. Sleep evaded me; every time weariness almost managed to whisk me to slumber, my muscles twitched and I jumped awake. Eventually I gave up, no longer feeling tired. I sat up, throwing the blue covers aside. My socked feet hit the plush carpet, and I pushed myself up, groping for my robe from the back of a chair, cursing myself for turning off the lights.

I managed to get the robe on, leaving it untied. My fingers solved a knot in my hair as I walked to the door.

The hallway was dimly lit and silent, and it made me wonder where everyone were. My feet took me to the dark and heavy door on the other end of the hallway. I hadn't even consciously made the decision to come here, but for some reason I had. The door opened before I had the chance to knock, revealing Carlisle. His eyes bore surprise, minging with well-concealed worry.

"Hey," I whispered, not knowing any other way to greet him in the middle of the night.

"You are up early. Are you well?" he asked urgently. I nodded my head to reassure him.

"Yeah, I just couldn't sleep. I'm sorry if I bothered you," I murmured, suddenly embarrassed. I turned to leave, only to notice that his hand had caught my elbow. I glanced at him, surprised.

His golden irises gleamed intensely. "Stay," he asked. "I would appreciate the company," he added when I hesitated.

I stepped inside his study silently. Once again it took me a moment to take in the amount of books he had. My gaze devoured the shelves, my fingers itching to brush the spines of the old volumes.

"Go ahead and take a closer look," Carlisle encouraged, a smile shining from his voice. He knew how I felt; he had the same passion for books and reading as I did.

Or at least I had had that passion one time. The last few years of my life I had lost all interest what came to literature. What came to anything. I had lost myself. But as my gaze swept the amount of books, I thought I felt a nudge from that old Bella that was hiding somewhere deep inside me. I recognized many of the titles, and I had even read a few of them, but only a fraction of the amount that Carlisle had in his possession. "Have you read them all?" I asked, my voice small and barely audible. I suddenly felt so insignificant.

Carlisle's smooth voice was casual as he answered, shrugging. "Most of them. There are a few I haven't had the chance to read yet. Jasper acquires books sometimes for himself and after reading them he brings them here," he answered.

A strangled noise made it's way up my throat. I don't know why it felt so incomprehensible for me that he had read almost thousands of books. He had time, after all.

I felt his cool hand on my shoulder as he steered me to sit down on a small couch under the large window. I peeked outside as I sat down. The forest and the mountains looked even more beautiful at night as the crescent moon casted its light on the white ground and the stars twinkled against the dark sky. The scenery was like from a cute postcard.

"Can you tell me a reason why you couldn't sleep?" Carlisle asked, still concerned. I shrugged, unwilling to tell him about the restless dreams. I didn't want him to worry.

"I wasn't tired anymore," I answered. My fingers brushed the melted wax of a Christmas candle that sat on the windowsill, casting a dim light into the dark room. Alice had probably put it there to make the room more Christmassy and festive. It surprised me how restrained she had been with decorating the house for Christmas. She had settled for a few candles, chaplets and electric lights here and there. I had expected her to go out of control. I didn't expect the Cullens to celebrate Christmas as humans did, but it was still a small wonder that Alice had been able to control herself for once; she must have really wanted me to be comfortable.

I bent my legs, sitting on my heels on the soft couch. "How did people celebrate Christmas in your youth?" I asked from Carlisle, tearing my gaze away from the red candle. He was looking at me intently, his golden eyes shining.

He turned his eyes to the candle I was still twiddling with my fingers. There was a faraway look in his eyes as he summoned the memories from hundreds of years back. "Christmas was outlawed a few years after I was born. It was considered to be a pagan celebration, with no biblical justification. Some people still continued to celebrate it, but they did so in secret." His golden eyes narrowed and he pursed up his lips. "My father also saw it as a wasteful festival. But he did honor the original reason to celebrate Christmas. I vaguely remember how he used to read the Gospel of Luke to me on Christmas Eve." He stopped speaking, a sad smile on his lips. His eyes were sad as well; it pained me to see him so sorrowful.

He talked about his father in a respectful way. I knew Carlisle hadn't approved all the ways his father had dealt with things. But love reflected from his voice as he spoke of him; it was his father he was talking about, after all.

"I was very young back then," he continued quietly. "And human memories slip away easily." He drew in a deep breath, as if to rid himself of those memories. "I still read the Gospel sometimes during Christmas time," he revealed, his tone a little more lighter than before. Sadness never left his eyes. "But it's been a several years since I have honored that tradition."

Silence fell. The atmosphere was surreal, almost magical; the story I had heard was a very rare one, and for a moment I felt very special that he shared something so personal with me. I had never considered myself as a religious person. A part of me wanted to believe in a higher being, to believe that we were not all alone in this cruel world. That our existence mattered to someone. Renée had been eager to try out churches every now and then, but that had been her hobby after all - trying out new things. I quickly turned my focus to something else to prevent the painful memories of my mother.

I thought of Carlisle's earlier words of how his father had read the Bible to him during Christmas time. I vaguely remembered a school play from years back; I had been six or seven. It had been school's Christmas Celebration, and we'd had to arrange a play of that very same Gospel. Everyone else got the best parts to play. Someone was Mary, someone was Joseph. The rest of the children had been angels or shepherds and so on. And I had been stuck with being a snowflake. I mean, come on. A snowflake! And I had to dance across the small stage in a white twinkly costume.

Dancing and twinkly costumes had never been a good combination when it came to me, not to mention the slippery floor that was added to the mess.

I suddenly had an urge to hear Carlisle's voice again. "Would you read it to me?" I asked, surprised by my own request.

Carlisle also looked surprised. "The Gospel according to Luke?" he asked, making sure he hadn't misunderstood.

I could relate to his surprise; it wasn't something I would normally ask from anyone. I gave him a small nod that caused him to smile warmly at me. He got up from the couch and went over to the bookshelf to pick up a heavy volume with black covers. I wondered how old that Bible was. The couch dipped beside me as he sat down again, opening the worn book in his hands. I turned to him, leaning my head against the back of the couch.

He glanced at me, as if making sure that I really wanted to hear him read. I nodded, receiving a smile from him. His voice was quiet and peaceful as he started. "Now it came to pass in those days, there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be enrolled. This was the first enrolment made when Quirinius was governor of Syria."

I closed my eyes, listening to his silky voice that bore solemnity. I could see the events with my mind's eye; Carlisle's quiet words conjured them as he recited. "...And she brought forth her firstborn son; and she wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn..."

Carlisle painted me a picture of a group of shepherds in the night, startled by the shining angel. "And the angel said unto them, Be not afraid; for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which shall be to all the people..."

My head started to droop. I leaned more heavily into the couch, trying to stay awake. Carlisle voice was so soothing, almost hypnotizing. His voice faded to the background, but never receded completely.

"...but Mary kept all these sayings, pondering them in her heart. And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, even as it was spoken unto them."

I managed to murmur to him when he stopped the reading. I didn't know what it was, and most likely he didn't either. His quiet chuckle sounded in the room, and I heard his quiet steps as walked somewhere. It almost made me open my eyes. I wanted to stop him, to tell him not to leave. But he was back before I knew it. Something warm covered my body - a blanket. His cool hands slid against my other shoulder as he coaxed me to lie down on the couch.

I was asleep before my head hit the couch cushions. But even in sleep, I heard his soft tenor whispering words to me; soothing and reassuring.

It was my heaven.

A/N: Carlisle's is reciting the Gospel according to Luke, which is from the famous book called The Holy Bible. I don't own it, obviously. I hesitated for a moment before having Carlisle read the Bible to Bella. Religion is something that has a tendency to divide people. But I wanted him to read it; in New Moon we get a glimpse of the religious side of Carlisle. It brings deepness to his character and makes more human, more humble. I love that.

I'll start writing the next chapter today, if I won't drown in the gingerbread dough. It might take a few days to be finished but who knows. I might be on fire; sometimes that happens.

Have a peaceful Christmas! :)