Chapter 25

"Zoë, I don't want to have to restrain you." Horatio begged her as he held her wrists together between their bodies. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself back down. He could feel his heart pounding hard in his chest which caused his hands to tighten around her wrists. His headache screamed at him which caused him to weaken slightly and aided the lessening anger and frustration.

"Let go of me!" Zoë growled at him as she tried to push forwards but he was stronger than her. He resisted against her and held his ground while she continued to struggle and glare up at him. He pulled her closer using her wrists and looked firmly into her eyes.

"Zoë, calm down, I know you're struggling right now, but you've got to calm down." Horatio begged her firmly but she pulled back and pulled him closer to the pool. She used her weight to pull him towards the pool as she leant back.

"Don't make me do this Horatio, let go of me." She growled but he continued to hold her wrists while he was dragged forwards by Zoe. He saw the burning fire in her eyes just as she pulled him down as she threw herself backwards on the floor and raised her legs. Her feet made contact with his hips as he was dragged down with her and she pushed him up and backwards over her using her legs and pushed him into the pool using his momentum as he fell, essentially flipping him into the pool. She quickly got back onto her feet and made her way to the back gate as Horatio surfaced.

"Skyler lock the back gate, do not open it to anyone but me." Horatio yelled as his heart raced and he heard the gate lock itself. He sighed heavily with relief as he knew she couldn't get out of the gate. 'She is completely out of control.' Horatio thought to himself.

"Skyler, unlock the gate." Zoë shouted as she pulled on it but it didn't unlock.

Zoë turned to Horatio. "You bastard!" Zoë shouted as he made his way out of the pool, dripping wet. She ran at one of the fences and jumped up. He quickly rushed over to her and placed his hands on her hips as she held on as she moaned quietly. He could feel his expensive shoes squelching as his dripping wet trousers pinched his skin. 'I'm going to have to send her back to the hospital, I can't deal with this.' Horatio thought to himself.

"Zoë, please calm down." Horatio begged and she let go of the fence as she brought her hands up to her forehead. Horatio caught her as she fell and held her against him with his arms tightly wrapped around her stomach. "What's wrong? Zoë?" Horatio questioned and she let out a moan as her head drooped forwards. He quickly lifted her and then ran inside with her while he thought back and realised that she had whacked her head on the fence when she jumped up at it. He quickly laid her on the sofa where she began to cry as she covered her face using one of her arms as she rubbed her forehead.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong?" Horatio questioned. She tried to push him away but he didn't move. He placed his left hand on her neck to get her pulse as he threated the fingers on his right hand through her silky hair. 'Her pulse is good.' Horatio thought to himself but saw her rubbing her forehead and knew she'd whacked it good. "I'm calling an ambulance." Horatio said as he began to get up but she grabbed his shirt and held onto him as she shook her head.

"No" she begged him as she pulled him back down and removed her hand from her forehead to cover her eyes. He could see that it was slightly swollen and again, he then lightly ran his thumb over the swollen area just to make sure the fracture was still stable. 'I'm not surprised it's swollen, she did charge at the wall.' He thought to himself as he knelt back down and threaded his hand in his hair. 'She's asking me to stay? Or does she just not want me to call for an ambulance? Why did I leave her phone in the kitchen?' Horatio questioned himself as he threaded his right hand into her hair again as he placed his right hand on her upper abdomen.

"I'll call Nathan then." He asked and she shook her head again as she sat up and then quickly ran out after getting up. Horatio sat back, still dripping wet against the coffee table and rubbed his face as he took a deep breath. 'What am I supposed to do?' He questioned himself as he shook his head and looked at the cream carpet, he was distraught. He sat there for 10 minutes, confused himself. He exhaled a heavy breath and then kicked the sofa in frustration before he brought his knees up and leant on them, crossing his arms over each other. His thoughts were running wild, he didn't know how to collect them, things were popping up from no-where. His past made a visit as well as the present. He didn't know what to do with himself as he began to shiver slightly. 'I should have listened to Nathan, I should have made her stay in the hospital, I can't deal with this much longer, they're getting worse. My head… my head is getting so much worse. It must be the stress, it has to be. This has to be one of the worst headaches I've experienced.' He thought to himself as he slowly got up and took some strong painkillers. 'I want to go back to that dream, to where everything was perfect. Why did we have to wake up really? Life is so difficult, everything was perfect. I'd give nearly anything to go back right now. It would all just be better if we went back to that dream world. Why should we live in this reality when all we get is danger, hurt and terror from every corner and turn we take? We didn't have any of that in our dream world, perhaps that's the answer? Going back to that world would stop all of the bad stuff.' Horatio thought to himself as a lump formed in his throat. He slowly walked upstairs and into their room, silently. He expected to see Zoë in there as he couldn't hear her cursing at the Xbox, or gun fire from the game, but she wasn't. He quickly stripped and then pulled on some jogging bottoms and a t-shirt after changing his boxers. He quietly walked down the hall and then stood at one of the doors of the guest bedrooms. He could feel the painkillers setting in so felt much calmer than what he was.

"David I need you, I really need you, why aren't you here for me? I just pushed Horatio in the pool, I just swore at him and said some disgusting things. He'll never forgive me! I don't forgive myself. What do I do David? I'm scared I'm going to seriously hurt him, I don't want to hurt him at all. I don't want to say these things, I don't want to fight him. I can't imagine how that made him feel, I can't imagine how much he's hurting now. I deserve to be punished, I deserve pain but he's not here to punish me anymore. Why's this happening? David talk to me please, tell me what to do; I need you! I'm so confused. I love Horatio so much, I don't want to hurt him in the slightest but I'm tearing him apart. I'm ruining his life. He needs someone to take care of him too, he needs someone to be there for him, he can't look after me all his life. I'm too much of a handful, I'm too much of a burden to him. It would be better if he actually thought about himself before he thought about me, but he's running himself into the ground because of me. What if I don't change? What if I get worse? What if I really seriously hurt him? I couldn't live with myself, David. I already want to cut my throat out so I can't say anymore hurtful things. I don't want him to forgive me, he should not be putting up with that shit from me. I want him to hurt me, I want him to teach me a lesson so I never do that again, I want him to hit me. But he won't, he didn't even hit me when I was saying those disgusting things. Why didn't he hit me? He should have! I am repulsed at myself and what came out of my mouth, what if he believes I will do what I said? What if he believes me, David? I don't know what I'd do, my life would be over. I can't believe that came out of my mouth, I don't understand why I'd say something like that. I should have stayed in the hospital where Nathan could have sedated me, or I should have knocked myself out. I shouldn't be giving Horatio this sort of responsibility. I need you David, I need you to tell me what to do, please!" He heard her begging, but he dare not to open the door. His heart broke, but he was also so confused himself, he just didn't know what to do. He didn't know who to talk to. He raised both of his hands to his face as he took a few steps back and leant against the wall opposite the door while he took a few deep breaths.

"Please David, talk to me!" She yelled as she hit the bed. "I need you" she cried as she hit the bed again. Horatio stepped forwards and reached out for the door as his heart pounded. He swallowed as he shook his head. 'I'll make it worse. She needs her own space, she needs time to talk to David.' Horatio thought to himself as he stepped back again. 'But I can't have her tell herself that she's a bad person, she'll believe it. She's not a bad person, I know she didn't mean any of that. I didn't help the situation at all because I got stressed, that's what caused her to see her advantage and take it. I shouldn't have taken hold of her wrists either. I knew she wouldn't hurt me, that's why she threw me in the pool, she didn't want to hurt me, but she wanted to get me off.' He thought to himself.

"I fucking hate myself, I'm disgusting, I'm a horrible bitch. I don't blame him if he wants to leave me." She sobbed and Horatio hurt even more to hear her telling herself such things. He looked down at the floor and shook his head. 'I really should leave her for the moment, she needs her space, don't go in there Horatio. I need my space anyway.' He told himself. He turned around so he couldn't hear anymore and walked over to the bedroom and sat on the bed. He rubbed his face and then stared blankly down at the floor. 'We should be in the Seychelles right now, we should be having the time of our lives. She should be my wife.' Horatio thought to himself as he sighed. He looked up at the window and saw the sun peering through brightly. 'I can't do this, I'm going to have to call Nathan. I'll give her until the morning and I hope she improves, but if not, I'll have to call him. I cannot take another day like this.' Horatio thought to himself as he looked back down to the floor. 'I can't send her back to hospital, can I? Can I really be responsible for that? I'm going to have to be, I know I can't take anymore, I didn't think it would be this difficult. Why didn't I listen to Nathan? He knows what he's talking about!' Horatio questioned himself as he laid back. He flicked the TV on quietly and then moved to place his head on his pillow still thinking to himself. 30 minutes later he heard the door open and heard her walking down the hall.

"Would you like a coffee? I'm making tea." She said quietly as she subtly wiped her eyes.

"No thank you sweetheart." Horatio said softly and she nodded and then left. He continued to look over to the door as he listened to her move around the kitchen and then heard the squeak of the study door. He laid there for 2 hours, still feeling confused and 10.45pm soon came around. He'd let his mind swallow him up as he vaguely listened to the TV in the background. He also caught himself dozing at some points. He concentrated hard to listen to see whether Zoë was still downstairs or upstairs now. He could hear the light clicking of the laptop buttons in the study so knew that she still hadn't had a shower or bath. Horatio was starting to worry. 'What if she's booking flights to another country right now? I wouldn't put it past her." He thought as he got up and walked downstairs. 'What if she does want to leave me? I shouldn't have grabbed her wrists.' He thought as he walked over to the study and slowly opened the door.

"You should probably have your shower soon sweetheart, it's getting late." Horatio said quietly, softly and she looked round and nodded as she closed the laptop lid as her eyes rested on the carpeted floor by his feet.

She slowly rose to her feet and began to make her way out. "I'm using the main bathroom." She said quietly as she walked past Horatio, keeping her eyes locked on the floor, unable to make eye contact with him. Horatio nodded and then sighed because he didn't get any eye contact with her. He walked over to the laptop to see what she was hiding from him and he sat at the chair and lifted the lid. He saw a load of webpages open about head injuries and outbursts and what people can do to minimise the outbursts or control them. He leant on the desk and he knew she was trying her hardest to stop them. He rested his head in his hands as he glanced down to the note pad beside the laptop to see her notes on the matter. He rubbed his tired face and then closed the laptop lid again. 'I knew she was trying her best to minimize them, I knew she didn't like them either and that she had no control over them whatsoever.' He thought as he got up and turned the light off and then went upstairs. He had a quick shower in the en-suite and changed in the bedroom. He walked down the hall and knocked on the bathroom door. When he didn't get a response he opened it but she wasn't in there. He walked down the hall and saw her in one of the guest beds. He frowned and exhaled.

"What are you doing in here sweetheart? Aren't you coming to bed?" Horatio asked softly as he stood in the doorway.

"You don't want me in bed with you Horatio, I'm a fucking bitch. I don't deserve the luxury of sharing a bed with you." She said quietly without even turning over to look at him.

"That's not true sweetheart, you know it." Horatio said softly as he slowly entered the room and over to the bed. He slowly sat on the bed and looked over to her. He saw that she was hugging a pillow as she curled into a small ball.

"I don't want to argue about this, I'm a fucking bitch and I don't deserve to share the bed with you. What I did and said earlier is unforgivable. I'm an absolute disgrace Horatio and I don't want you to say that you forgive me." She mumbled as she tightened her grip on the pillow.

He reached over and placed his hand lightly on her side as she continued to face away from him. "I know you didn't mean what you said, I know you didn't mean what you did. I pushed you to that, I took hold of your wrists, I lost it myself Zoe. Don't blame yourself, because it wasn't you who said those things." Horatio said but she remained silent. She just pulled the duvet up and hugged it with the pillow. He sighed quietly and then slowly stood back up, but he didn't walk out. Instead he peeled back the duvet cover and slowly climbed into bed with her.

"I don't want to hurt you Horatio, please don't." She begged him as she hugged the duvet tighter. He ignored her and moved closer and pulled her back towards him as he laid on his side. She felt his arm around her, holding her close to his warm body. She felt so relieved, yet so tense at the same time; relieved because just his touch made everything seem so much better, but tense because she was genuinely afraid of hurting him. She wanted to shut him out all together so she couldn't hurt him. She felt his fingers move across her skin with ease as she felt him relax slowly.

"Horatio, please don't." She whispered as a few tears fell from her eyes.

"I need to sleep with you Zoë, you're the only thing that keeps the nightmares away, you're the only thing that keeps me safe at night." Horatio whispered back as he moved closer, pushing his nose into her fresh hair. He continued to let his fingers travel her ribs and abdomen as he slowly fell asleep. She laid awake for hours often quietly sobbing to herself. She got out of bed at 1.30am once her emotions were going crazy and when she feared her crying would wake Horatio. She walked out of the room and went downstairs, she felt the cool air hit her body when she walked into the hall. She stood there for a moment, looking from the front door to the living room while her feet cooled down when in contact with the cold tiles. She swallowed as she looked down and turned to face the front door. She moved forwards and opened it, quickly leaving, naked. The only material on her body was Horatio's boxers. She walked along paths crying her eyes out, hugging herself as shivering began to set in in the cool Miami air. She hated herself, she didn't want to inflict anymore hurt on Horatio.

'Someone run me over please; I don't want to live anymore, not after what I said. Horatio must've been absolutely distraught, he must hate me. He must be disgusted. He must think that I'm a vile woman… and I am.' She cried loudly, walking the streets glancing up at the occasional car that travelled past, with the drivers and passengers staring at her. 'I want to go back to our perfect world. I don't want to be here anymore, I don't want to live my life in reality. What if I walk out in front of a car? Would that take me back to that perfect place? Would that allow me to see my babies again? I can't do this to Horatio anymore… Woah!' She thought to herself as a car came to a screeching holt inches from her. She realised she was in the middle of the road as she turned her head to look at the dark car. 'Okay, I don't want to be run over…' She thought to herself as she swallowed and felt her heart leap into her mouth as she looked round to the windscreen to try and see the driver but the headlights were blinding her.

"Zoë?!" A man called as the front door opened.