DISCLAIMER: Twilight isn't ours.
Alright. We admit it. We fucked up. So, in a previous chapter, we had Rosalie say "If I could drool, bla bla bla" yet we seem to have Jasper capable of drooling in his sleep. So. We're sorry. And for the record, we've decided they can drool.
IN OTHER NEWS... Not good news... Uh... You might wanna sit down. Over the last little while, we've been in the process of moving. This is our last night before we move. It's also potentially the last night we have access to the intarwebz. Which of course means... No updates. :(
Now, THIS ISN'T PERMANENT... We shall return, we're just not quite sure when. We're hoping to god that LadyEmjazz's computer comes through and manages to find an intarwebz signal. You may be wondering, "why don't you guys just GET the internet?" See... Therein lies the problem. We're broke ass. Also, there may not be any reception... We're in the middle of buttfucknowheresville! So... yeah. We hope this appeases you for the time being. Thank you all for being such wonderful readers. We'll try not to keep you waiting too long.
Without further ado...
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ACT TWENTY FIVE: BRB CANADAZZLE
It's first thing in the morning, and everyone is starting to wake up. Alice is currently decided on what shoes to bring, Carlisle is trying to sneak his laptop into his suitcase, Rosalie is packing and Jacob is in the shower. Well, he is "human" after all. Bella is downstairs having breakfast and Edward is helping Esme. Emmett and Jasper are still in bed; Emmett having just started waking up and not looking forward to the task of having to wake up Jasper. He wakes up and looks over at Jasper, who is passed out on his stomach, makeup smeared all over his face.
EMMETT: *smiles warmly at Jasper, then takes a deep breath* This isn't going to be fun…
JASPER: *mumbling* …Sergeant Fuzzy Boots… Fat and happy and sleeps on my face…
EMMETT: Okay… He's out. Jasper! *nudges him*
JASPER: Mmm… I don't even like cake…
EMMETT: Jasper. You gotta wake up.
JASPER: *starting to drool* Boo Boo Kitty Fuck…
EMMETT: I… Yeah. Babe, come on. Wake up!
JASPER: *shifts around* Mmm… Nooo. *pulls covers over his head* Mm… What time is it?
EMMETT: Ten to five.
JASPER: *whining* Nooooo! Whyyyyy?
EMMETT: Cuz… We're going on vacation? We have to get on the plane in a couple hours?
JASPER: No… Wanna sleep. Bring me back something nice.
EMMETT: You're coming!
They hear a knock at the door.
ESME: You boys up?
EMMETT: Um. Working on it?
ESME: I see. *opens the door* Wake up, Jasper.
JASPER: *groans* Why are you so mean to me…
ESME: I'm hardly being mean. Now wake up! *starts flicking the light on and off*
EMMETT: That's not working, he's under the blanket.
ESME: *walks over to side of bed, clutches blanket* If you don't wake up this instant, I will pull this blanket off of you.
EMMETT: *wide eyed* Whoa! No!
JASPER: Mmm… Doooon't!
ESME: You have until the count of five. One…
EMMETT: Wake up now, I don't need mom to see me naked!
JASPER: *whines* Fine! *throws blanket off of himself*
EMMETT: Um.
ESME: *looks away from naked Jasper* You might want to put on clothes.
JASPER: Huh? *looks down at his nakedness* Oh… *gets up*
ESME: Just get ready. *leaves*
JASPER: Are you coming?
EMMETT: Coming where?
JASPER: Shower… I need one. *points to makeup covered face and messy sex hair*
EMMETT: Heh. 'Kay.
*
In Rosalie's room, Jacob is stepping out of the shower. Rosalie is busy packing.
JACOB: Wish I had a shower in my room. That would be so nice.
ROSALIE: Hm? *turns head to look at him, sees a very wet Jacob with nothing but a towel around his waist* Wow…
JACOB: Wh- *realizes he's practically naked in front of her. He blushes furiously*
ROSALIE: Little bashful, are we?
JACOB: No… A little… We haven't even done anything and I'm standing here pretty much naked. Not even Bella's seen me with my shirt off.
ROSALIE: You have nothing to be ashamed of. Here, I'm gonna go into the bathroom and get some makeup on, you get dressed.
JACOB: Thanks.
ROSALIE: Maybe after this trip I'll get to see what's under the towel. *smirks at him, shuts the bathroom door*
JACOB: Bluh? Um… Heh.
*
Carlisle is just closing his suitcase, and Esme is facing the opposite direction.
ESME: If you think you're going to bring that computer with you, you're wrong, Carlisle.
CARLISLE: Well I can't very well pack the deskto- How did you-
ESME: Unpack it. Now, Carlisle.
CARLISLE: It's for work.
ESME: You're lying, Carlisle.
CARLISLE: No, really!
ESME: World of Warcraft isn't work, Carlisle!
CARLISLE: I'm not going to be playing World of Warcraft, Esme.
ESME: Warhammer is not work, Carlisle!
CARLISLE: What is the big deal? You're probably going to read on the plane, why can't I be on my laptop?
ESME: Is it really going to kill you to be away from your computer, Carlisle?
CARLISLE: Yes!!!
ESME: If you even think about putting that computer in your suitcase, I will smash it.
CARLISLE: *pouts* Alright, fine. You win, Esme.
ESME: Oh, Carlisle, stop looking like somebody just killed your puppy!
CARLISLE: *pretending to sniffle* poor little MacBook…
*
Bella is having breakfast, and Alice and Edward are packing the rental cars.
ALICE: Why did dad get a rental cars? Why aren't we just taking our normal cars?
EDWARD: *in snotty tone* Because Emmett whined about leaving his precious Sally in a car lot.
ALICE: Oh? Well that's understandable, I mean, after what happened with his first vehicle…
EDWARD: Yeah, well… *starts getting annoyed* Alice, is it really necessary to bring this many shoes? We're only going for three days!
ALICE: *indignantly* Yes. I need flip flops in case it's really hot, running shoes in case it's not, dress shoes in case we go somewhere fancy, and I always need my ballet flats! Oh, and you always have to bring a pair of slippers…
EDWARD: Okay! Jeez…
*
Esme begins to do a head count and yells up the stairs.
ESME: *shouting* We are leaving in ten minutes! Everybody better be up and ready to go! Jasper!
JASPER: *from his room, whiny* Yeah, I'm ready, hold on…
EMMETT: *is behind Jasper with his arms around him, kisses the back of his neck* Mm… Quickies are fun. Now let's go before she starts getting mad.
As they are walking down the hall…
JASPER: Emmett…? Do you know what the mile high club is? *smirks*
EMMETT: *grins* Heh.
*
They're all packed in the cars and on the way to the airport. Carlisle, Emmett, Jasper, and Alice are in one car, while everyone else is in the other one because it's a van and it fit more. Also because we said so. Rosalie and Jacob are sitting in the middle bench of the van, while Bella and Edward are sitting in the back with the luggage.
JACOB: *to Rosalie* This is so cool. I can't believe I got invited. I can't believe my dad let me go.
ROSALIE: Why wouldn't he?
JACOB: Well, I usually take care of him. It's just us in the house. And well, he doesn't really approve of frivolous luxuries like this. He wants me to appreciate the little things in life, or some junk.
ROSALIE: Well I'm glad he said yes. *gives him a kiss*
BELLA: I think this'll be a lot of fun, don't you Edward?
EDWARD: Mhm. *shifts uncomfortably*
BELLA: What the hell's wrong with you?
EDWARD: *grunts* Something's poking me in the back.
JACOB: *turns around* What's poking you in the butt?
EDWARD: In the BACK, genius. Turn around!
JACOB: There's just a whole lot of 'in the butt' at your house, isn't there?
ROSALIE: *snickers*
EDWARD: Says the dog.
ESME: Boys, if you can't say something nice to each other then don't say anything at all. Silence is golden.
EDWARD: Fine. WHAT THE HELL IS POKING ME IN THE BACK?!
BELLA: Open the bag and find out!
Edward opens the bag to find a long sparkly pink phallic shaped object.
EDWARD: What the hell…
BELLA: Oh my god! Who's bag is that?
EDWARD: Oh, it better not be theirs… I swear to god if this belongs to Emmett or Jasper…
ROSALIE: Hm? *turns* That's Alice's bag.
JACOB: *bursts out laughing*
EDWARD: Aww, that's just…
BELLA: Nasty?
The car hits a bump, and Edward's hand slips and hit's the dial and turns it on. It starts to vibrate and flop back and forth. He is so startled by it, it ends up hitting him in the face. Jacob and Rosalie are killing themselves laughing. Bella is trying to mask her laughter, and failing.
EDWARD: *boiling over with rage* Alice… is so VILE!
BELLA: Here. *takes it from him, turns it off and puts it away*
EDWARD: Why… Why… WHY WOULD SHE BRING THAT!?
BELLA: Well, because she's single… And she's…
JACOB: …Pervy Mc. Fap Fap?
BELLA: …Yeah… More or less…
*
In the other car… Carlisle is blaring Like A Boss by The Lonely Island on the stereo. He's doing the devil horns with one hand rocking out. Alice is riding shotgun, and the boys are in the back.
EMMETT: What the hell are we listening to?
CARLISLE: Like a BOSS!
JASPER: Um… right.
Alice is oblivious to the conversation, she's too busy reminiscing about the boys' previous night.
EMMETT: *to Jasper* She looks happy… I wonder why?
JASPER: Probably thinking about all the Canadian shoes she's going to buy.
EMMETT: What's the difference between Canadian shoes and American shoes?
JASPER: Nothing, really. Just another place to buy shoes. So, when we get to this Wonderland, you gonna win me a prize?
EMMETT: Of course. I'll win you whatever you like.
JASPER: Yay! *snuggles*
*
They all arrive at the airport and are settled on the plane. They are riding first class, because well, Carlisle's fancy and wouldn't have it any other way. And come on, they're Cullens. In one row there are Carlisle's computer, Carlisle and Esme, and behind them are Jacob, Rosalie and Alice. Across from them are Bella and Edward; behind them are Emmett and Jasper.
JACOB: This is sweeeet.
ROSALIE: Yeah, dad went all out.
ESME: This is wonderful of you Carlisle, I'm very impressed. Even though you bought your computer its own seat…
CARLISLE: I paid extra for empty seats so that we'd be comfortable and not surrounded by other people. It just so happens there was an empty seat beside me, and… well.
ESME: Whatever you say, Carlisle. *goes back to her book*
Bella is having a nap, because she's pregnant. Pregnant girls do that. Edward is reading one of Bella's baby books, entitled 'Motherhood and You'. Emmett is playing his PSP, therefore Jasper is bored. A light switches on… This is never good… And he starts poking Edward in the back of the neck with his penis pencil.
JASPER: Edward. *poke* Edward. *poke* Edward. *poke* Edward. *poke* EDWARD. *poke*
EDWARD: WHAT?!
JASPER: Hi! *grins*
EDWARD: Do you want to live to see Canada?
JASPER: You wouldn't kill me, you'd have to go through Emmett's finger first.
EDWARD: He doesn't seem to be paying attention to you now.
EMMETT: *not taking his eyes off his game* Lay a hand on him and I'll punch you in the foot.
EDWARD: What?
EMMETT: Foot, face, same thing. Touch him and I'll punch you.
JASPER: *smug* See?
EDWARD: Well, it's clear who wears the pants…
EMMETT: Bella.
EDWARD: What are you trying to say, Emmett?
EMMETT: You knit. Not a man. You tried to bake a bundt cake. Not a man. You do potpourri. NOT A MAN! And I know that you're reading 'Motherhood and You.'
EDWARD: *moves the book out of view* You're the one that dates boys.
EMMETT: But I'm not a sissy! Jasper as a girl can bench press more than you.
ALICE: *listening in* Oh! *whispers* Rosalie. Guess what I saw in a vision last night?
ROSALIE: Well this is always fun. What?
ALICE: Jasper was on top… But he was dressed as a girl.
ROSALIE: Are you kidding me?
ALICE: No! Emmett asked him to!
ROSALIE: What?! *a little too loud* Emmett asked him to dress like a girl?
EMMETT: *to Alice* How do you know abo- You saw it in your- I can't believe- Pervert!
ALICE: I know! Hee!
EMMETT: *getting mad* You had no right. That was private. That was between me and him.
ALICE: You know my visions just happen!
EMMETT: So that gives you the right to pry into other people's privacy. You and I both know damn well you can ignore it.
ALICE: Okay, I'm sorry.
EMMETT: No you're not. If you were sorry, you wouldn't be telling people.
ALICE: I didn't think it was a big deal. I've done it before, and you didn't get mad.
EMMETT: *fuming* What.
ALICE: I… Thought you knew that?
EMMETT: No, I didn't, and if you ever do it again, I will burn your shoes.
ALICE: *gasps* Not my shoes! You wouldn't dare.
EMMETT: *folds his arms, stares her down, eyes completely black*
JASPER: *cluing in* Whoa, whoa, hey, Emmett, calm down!
EMMETT: *through gritted teeth* I am calm. Would you please tell your ex-girlfriend to stop having visions of us in the bedroom. Last night was none of her business.
JASPER: *disgusted* Alice, this is enough. You're gonna stop, and you're gonna stop now.
ALICE: Alright, alright. I promise. I didn't mean any harm…
EMMETT: Well, you caused it.
ALICE: Okay, I said I'm sorry! *to Rosalie* God, Emmett is such a bitch!
EMMETT: Oh, I'm a bitch am I? Kiss your Jimmy Choo's goodbye.
ALICE: *sulks in her chair*
JASPER: *holding Emmett's hand, calming him down* It's okay. *gives Emmett a kiss* She's not going to do it anymore. Let's just forget about it and think about the fun trip we're going to have. Maybe I'll try to get you a prize! I'll fail, but at least you'll get a good laugh.
EMMETT: *starts laughing*
BELLA: *startled from her nap* Bzuh? Bluh…
EDWARD: So… Did you have a nice nap? Must be nice…
BELLA: Mmm… Yeah… What'd I miss?
*
Thanks for reading! Again, we apologize for the fail that is no internets. We'll try to update as soon as possible. PROMISE. Anyway, please review, and Jasper WON'T poke you in the back of the head with his penis pencil!? ^_^