Too tired to question Chandler's true identity at the moment, Monica continued to the next part of the email. Chandler's 'Dream Girl's' Flaws. (God, their conversations really had gotten weirdly personal hadn't they?) Now knowing his dream girl was…her, Monica felt nerves squiggling in her stomach. What flaws did he think she had? Worse, what if he'd said there were some flaws hecouldn't deal with and she had them?

Well, there was only one way to check. Just take deep breaths Monica.

Number 1:

Stubborn. This is kind of the flipside of her being 'strong-willed' which was on my ideal list. Strong-willed people are often stubborn and like I said before, sometimes I lack direction and am indecisive. Having someone who goes for things and doesn't give up is nice. Not so stubborn I can't win any fight, but a bit would be ok.

Oh god, he'd totally got the stubborn = strong-willed thing from her, Monica remembered arguing about it ages ago. Ha, she'd clearly persuaded him. But hey, if Chandler didn't mind her strong will then she certainly won't object. She'll even let him win some of their fights.

Some of their hypotheticalfights. If they were ever a couple. Hypothetically.

Neurotic. I'm so neurotic myself; I can't criticize anyone for this….

Okay yes, on the neurotic front they're a match made in heaven.

Insecure. Yep I know this was on your list, but it's true. If she was super confident in herself, she'd either be really stuck up or if she was confident for a reason, I'd feel inadequate about being with her. I'm so insecure myself, I'm ok at reassuring other insecure people.

Insecure? Is that how people see her? Monica's spent years building defences so she doesn't look weak or vulnerable. Monica peered over the top of the laptop, frowning at Chandler's still sleeping form. Yes she is insecure but other people aren't meant to see that! Then again….Chandler wriggled under his blanket and her face softened. This was Chandler. Chandler who – as past events have proven beyond doubt – knows her better than almost anyone. Just because her insecurity is obvious to him doesn't mean it's obvious to everyone else. And maybe she's missing the point here. He acceptsher insecurities, he accepts them all and wantsto support her with them. (Hasn't he been doing that for years anyway?)

Geeky. Another one I stole from your list. I'm a geek myself, so if anything a girl being geeky is a turn on. If she loves making lists or playing with her label-maker, then go ahead. Whatever makes her happy. I can sit beside her and watch Star Trek. (You mentioned Star Trek in your last email, and I admit I'm one of the Trekkie geeksJ)

Oh, he's sucha Trekkie. But hey, that's ok, sitting on the couch making lists while he watches Spock and Kirk's weird relationship play out wouldn't be the worst way to spend an evening….

Socially Awkward. Not insanely, unable-to-function-in-society awkward. But like I said to you, girls being nervous at flirting are comforting becauseIget nervous. And like you I don't enjoy going out in big groups much, so if we just hang out with our friends that's fine. Plus, there's less chance of her getting embarrassed by my awkwardness and snatched up my some other guy.

Hey, she's not that bad! Apart from at y'know, chatting up guys. And finding friends outside of the six of them. (If she and Chandler did start dating at least they could skip introducing each other's respective friend groups.)

But Chandler's not terrible either! Sure he babbles a bit and trips over more than the average person and makes jokes when he's uncomfortable. But it's normally cute-awkward not horrifically-embarrassing-awkward. And she wouldn't let 'some other guy' snatch her away from him! She'd never do that to him!

…Of course they weren't even dating yet so this was all irrelevant anyway.

Hot-tempered. Again flipside of a thing of the 'ideal list' – someone who is passionate is often hot-tempered. And I don't have a problem with that. I'm pretty easy-going, so wouldn't flip out quickly and trigger heaps of fights. Plus a lot of people, who are hot-tempered, actuallyforgiveeasily which is good. My parents were both grudge –holders, and I try not to be like them, but haven't done a good job, given how much anger I've still got over my childhood. Someone who flips out quickly and then cools down is preferable. Plus, y'know, there's always the make-up sex afterwards.

Hmm, interesting. And typical Candler turning her flaw into a strength and switching to his weakness. Oh Chandler. Monica's just lucky he's never been seriously angry at her. Chandler doesn't flip out and yell like Monica does – his anger is quiet, understated and slow-burning but immovable once it's developed.

….Still he raises an interesting idea about the make-up sex.

Ahem. Anyway. That was the end of his list. The list of her flaws, startling and heart bruisingly accurate. And Chandler was ok with all of them. Alright he hadn't listed every single one of her numerous faults, because she has way too many to fit into one email, but he was fine with the major ones.

And then his next comment: Your dream life sounds sweet. I'm sure you'll get it. You're determined and hard-working and must be due to meet your dream guy any day now.

God, that was exactlywhat Chandler – normal, best friend Chandler that is – would say to her. Has said to her in the past. But in this instance Chandler didn't realize he wanted to be the dream guy he was referring to.

But even if he had known who he was talking to, Monica's sure Chandler would have said exactly the same thing. Because isn't that what Chandlers done for years? Encouraged her, supported her, comforted her, commiserated with her, promised that she'd find someone? And all along he wanted to be that someone, be anyone to her. But he'd never said anything.

How could she have missed it for so long?

Yeah I hope my friends won't abandon me, but eventually they'll build lives of their own. (Probably like the life you described above) and can't stick around with me forever. Being a leftover basically describes my childhood in a nutshell.

Monica's stomach churns reading that and keeps churning as she finishes the rest of the email about Chandler's first day of school. His parents forgetabout him? Sometimes Monica forgets how long Chandler's been fighting his battles on his own. Sure they all hear about Phoebe's life on the streets, but they forget that Chandler basically raised himself as well. His parents hadn't protected him when he was bullied or supported him during his lonely teenage years or dropped him off at college or even taken him to his first day of school. Chandler had been so strong for so long and Monica thinks the six of them forget that.

Almost at the end now….

I worry if we meet, I'll act really weird and put you off or things will be really awkward. I'd hate to lose this friendship. And you're so wonderful over email I can't wait to meet in real life.

At that line, Monica smiled wearily, massaging her temples. To use Chandler's phrase – Could this bemore ironic? Them meeting would be beyond awkward and it turns out they'd be rising not one, but two friendship in the process. And of course they're both wonderful over email because they were wonderful in real life first. Oh god this was such a mess.

Pressing her lips together, Monica clicked on the final email.

Hmm, hmmm, finishing off the Rachel conversation. (Not that either of them called her Rachel!)

With your 'perfect' best friend still having guys running after her and dating heaps….how long do her relationships actually last? If she's playing with guys so much, does she actually stay with them that long? Because from whatI'veobserved, girls like that have a long 'chasing' period but the actual relationship fizzles out fast because she's not as 'perfect' as she seems and gets pissed guys stop obeying her every command.

He was so right! But why hadn't shared that with the real Monica? Did he worry she'd be offended because Rachel was her best friend? Monica knows she and Chandler had drifted apart a little since Rachel arrived, but only now does she realize how much of him she's missed.

I'm living day in, day out worried I'll screw up a relationship like I have before. I'd like to get rid of my insecurity and 'pre-emptive strike' breakups but it's not easy.

Monica rubs her eyes. Ugh, Chandler is trying so hard but most of those relationships 'screw ups' – especially the recent ones – weren't even his fault! If he put in all that effort in to the right sort of relationship, the right sort of woman….he'd be a fine boyfriend. Hell, he'd be a great boyfriend!

Your best friend probably feels the same. I should meet him, sounds like we'd have a lot in common, especially if we're both as smart and funny and sweet as you think we are. (And I am cute, thank you very much! At least my friend said I am, I tried to convince her to say manly, hot or sexy or something but she insisted I was 'cute'. Eh, I'll take what I can get).

FOR THE LAST TIME, HOW. DID. SHE. NOT. REALIZE?! She literally typed out how similar Chandler and Speaking Sarcasm word for word. He recounted multiple conversations he had with her. Monica huffed out, pressing her lips together in irritation. And she's meant to be the observant one?

(Also why does Chandler think being cute a bad thing? Pete tried to be 'manly' and look how that turned out.)

No you're right about me not working with one night stands. I realized that when I broke it off with the girl.

Oh oh oh! He was talking about whatshername, that girl from years ago. Some quirky, hippie name – Aurora? Monica remembers being disgusted when Chandler started sleeping with her, she'd expected that from Joey but not from Chandler – despite his shallownesss back then. When Chandler had broken it off with her, she'd been oddly proudof him, proud he proved to be more mature and sensitive than he'd thought. And now – all these years later – he's admitting what she knew all along: That he was better than that.

No I haven't cheated on anyone. Like I've said before, I've been cheated on a ton of times but I've never cheated. Knowing how it feels….I just wouldn't

There. There's more proof of how honourable Chandler is below his jokes and fear of commitment.

Yeah I agree with you on the balance of similarities and differences. I think having common values and outlooks is important because there's less conflict in lifestyle and having at least something in common to talk about…But you need different temperaments to balance out: Like you can't have two hot-tempered people or two grudge holders.

Exactly, Monica thinks. You need people who are friends, who share similar views on the important things, who have the same sense of humour but then have say a woman who get's uptight and hot-tempered and a guy who is relaxed and sweet to chill her out…

Oh god, she was thinking about it wasn't she? She was thinking about –

ANYWAY.

Moving on.

Monica reached Chandler's paragraph about why he didn't tell her why Richard wasn't right for her, she leaned forward, reading more intently.

No, I didn't tell my friend I didn't think her boyfriend was right for her. I don't know, there were several reasons…Yeah she probably would have killed me, she's a pretty scary person. And I didn't want her boyfriend to beat me up either. And after the breakup she was so depressed, I didn't know what to do. I murmured something about him not being right, but she was too miserable to listen. It was horrible seeing her like that actually: she's normally so energetic and positive

Had he ever murmured anything about Richard not being right? She doesn't remember much about the days immediately after the break up. Just being trapped in a blur of insomnia and tears and regret. She probably wouldn't have listened anyway.

My friends did actually say I'd be the last to get married. Or at least one of them asked who it would be and they all looked at me. And this is including two divorcees and my roommate whose never had a relationship longer than a week. So if that's what my closest friends think….well, I really am doomed.

Reading that paragraph makes Monica cover her face with her hands, tugging at her hair. She vaguely remembers the conversation he's referring to – the six of them had been hanging out after Carol and Susan's wedding. They knew how terrified Chandler was of being alone, how could they have been so insensitive to tell him he'd be the last one married? And sensitivity aside – why the hell did they assume he'd be the last one anyway? Sure Ross and Rachel had been dancing around each other then, but Joey was far more shallow and immature about relationships than Chandler had ever been and Phoebe was a self-proclaimed 'free spirit' who wasn't in any hurry to head down the aisle. Surely Chandler could be married before them? And now? If this new, mature Chandler found the right girl, he might even get married before Monica –

She slams her hands down suddenly, quaking at the thought of Chandler marrying a mysterious, faceless 'right girl'. What if he meets some other girl that fits his 'Dream List'? Or what if he realizes everything wrong with her and rewrites it? Pressing down the panic building in her stomach, Monica skipped to the next paragraph.

I don't believe in soulmates. I mean it would be nice, but I think relationships are a lot more complicated than just finding your 'perfect match'.

That's exactly what she thinks! In fact, that's exactly what she saidto him in the email. That you work to fit someone, that you make your own soulmate.

And now….the last part of the email. His confession about his crush on his best friend.

Monica's hand shakes a little as she scrolls down and she glances over at Chandler again, just to make surehe's still asleep. He's lying onto his front now; neck twisted to the side and face half-smushed into his pillow. His nose wrinkles as he snuffles in and out. For a minute Monica's tempted to roll him back over and settle his head properly – sleeping like that can't be good for his lungs. But she presses her lips together and returns to the email. Stop stalling Monica.

My most embarrassing (anddefinitelymost painful crush) is on my best friend.

That's her. That's her, that's her, that's her.

At first he just talks about their history together: friends at college, becoming neighbours, clinging together against the rest of the world.

So we settled down and my feelings were just this little niggle in the back of my mind rather than full blown crush. So it's not like I've been gazing at her longingly everyday or anything. One of my friends was like that, desperately obsessed with this girl, waiting for his chance but I never even considered asking her out. She was just my biggest 'What If'.

Monica breaths out a little reading that, suddenly realizing how tense her shoulders were. Chandler's feelings hadn't been a serious consideration, just – like he said – a niggle in his mind. That's ok. She was already feeling guilty enough without discovering Chandler had been as obvious about liking her as Ross was about Rachel.

But lately, since I broke up with my last girlfriend…my 'crush' has been getting stronger.

So it's only since he got over Kathy that his….feelings….have gotten stronger. Only since then.

I can't bring myself to put myself out there and find someone new, because I'm thinking the only girl I really want is curled up on the couch next to me.

God Chandler knows how to pull the romantic lines. If he just came out andsaidstuff like that how could any girl resist?

And that's crazy. Crazy on so many levels, because we couldneverhappen. As cliché as it sounds, she's my rock, she was my support when we started out. I couldn'teverlose her friendship. And I'd definitely, 100% certain lose her friendship if we dated, because I'm terrible with relationships and she's horribly unlucky and that combo would end badly and rip us apart. And I won't let that happen, her friendship is still very special and not some 'consolation prize'. I need her in my life, and it doesn't need to be as my girlfriend. I just can't lose her.

Strangely enough, Chandler's desperate sincere grabbing at their friendship touches Monica just as much as his crush does. Chandler doesn'tsee her friendship as second best, he doesn't think she should date him because they've been friends for so long. He just values her, as a friend, as someone he likes, as anything in between.

And yes, of course dating a friend is a risk. (See her and Kip, Ross and Rachel). But personally she thinks the benefits of dating a friend – the established trust, the shared interests, the inside jokes – wouldbalance out the dangers.

Ahem. Anyway.

She's kind and smart and beautiful and funny and super-organized and caring and strong and a bunch of other words I won't bore you with. The 'Dream Girl' list I gave you? Basically a description of her.

"Basically" a description of her?! He'd mentioned her cleaninghabits! Come on Chandler.

Ironically though she remembersreading Chandler's Dream Girl list back when he was just Speaking Sarcasm and feeling pleasedshe fitted it so well. Before he'd told her about his crush on his best friend, she'd thought that maybe this funny, sweet guy could be something more. She'd imagined maybeshe could be his dream girl. And now she was his dream girl….because he'd based the description on her in the first place.

Ughhh, she really needed to stop going over and over this in her head. It's too much.

Of course, talking about her being my girl friend is ridiculous because she'd never date me anyway. She's so far out of my league it's unbelievable. She's working her dream job now and has a perfect plan for the future. I could never be part of that picture. I'm too neurotic and dysfunctional and I'd screw it all up for her. I know that. She'd be insane to let me into the picture

Monica grits her teeth, why does he think these things about himself?Why the hell is she so out of his league? She's just as dysfunctional and screwed up as he is! And Chandler knows that. How could he possibly think she's above him in any way? Ok, yeah she's more ready to commit to a relationship than him but he's getting there. If these emails have proved anything other than how oblivious she is it's that Chandler is trying much harder than anyone realizes. Why couldn't he be part of her perfect plan for the future? Or –or any girls perfect plan? He's sweet and wonderful and funny and smart, he'd make a picture better, not screw it up!

Why is he so sure Monica will never want him?

A year ago, when the niggling 'What-If' got a bit louder I suggested we should date, and she just looked at me like I was crazy. That's how far out my league she is.

Wait. Was he…was he talking about their beach trip? Monica's face flushes as she remembers teasing him about not being mature enough to date her. And when he first suggested being her boyfriend to her she'd laughed in his face.And all along he'd been hiding these feelings?

Monica's gut curls, twisting viciously. She's a horrible friend. Not only had she missed Chandler's feelings for her (suppressed or not) but she'd mocked him and torn him down while knowinghow insecure he is. She knows how inadequate he feels and how nervous he is about rejection, yet she'd treated his whole idea as a joke and hurt him even more.

With most unrequited crushes I do two things: One, avoid seeing them. I can't do that with her because we have the same (inseparable, unhealthily dependent) group of friends and she's my neighbour. Two, I just focus on the woman's flaws and blow them up enough that I convince myself I don't want her anyway. I can't do that with her, because I know her flaws back to front and shestillseems amazing to me.

How? How can he know her many, many, many flaws and still think she's amazing? Let alone still think she's out of his league?

I haven't told anyone about my feelings, not even my other friends because I know they'd laugh or give me pitying looks. They all know I'd have no chance in hell either and eventually it would get back to her, andshe'dfeel guilty and worry about me and ruin everything with us.

Monica's eyes prickle with tears at that. Oh Chandler.Would the others have reacted like that? Obviously Ross would have thought Chandler wasn't good enough for his little sister (regardless of her own opinions) and Rachel and Phoebe can be pretty harsh to Chandler, even if they're only teasing. And Joey is endlessly loyal but not the most sensitive person in the world when it comes to Chandler's dating life.

I'm so screwed, I don't know what to do. The crush is getting worse every day and I don't know how in hell I can get rid of it.

And then he signs off and….that's it. That's Speaking Sarcasm over. Monica sags back on the chair, still blinking back tears. She fails and one slides down her cheek anyway.

Chandler is Speaking Sarcasm. He wasn't lying or pretending to be someone else. Everything he wrote was him, his sensitivity and maturity normally buried under jokes and sarcasm. She'd just been too stupid to realize.

Now the question throbbing in her gut. What does she do now? Most importantly of all, how does she feel about him?