Chapter 25

The next morning the same scene was repeated. Behind his back, she got up from the bed first, but as soon as she set foot on the floor looking for her slippers, the nausea returned. Even so she still stood up. The nausea seemed to stop, but then it got worse. She sat down on the bed again.

He felt her weight on the mattress again and turned to see what was going on.

"My dear? Are you feeling unwell again?" William asked.

"I'm not feeling very good…"

He got up, put on his robe and walked around the footboard to go to her.

He stooped by her feet so he could see her face. He took her hands in his and asked:

"Victoria, your menses haven't come yet, have they?"

"No…"

In fact, the menses hadn't come in April, but Victoria had said nothing. She didn't want to know why they hadn't come, didn't want to be consulted by Sir James Clark, and thought they would come the following month. But in May they hadn't come either... And now there were this uncomfortable nausea...

He smiled at her and advanced:

"You know what that might mean..."

"I know." She replied almost expressionlessly.

"Then maybe we should send for Sir James Clark..." William suggested.

"No!"

"That isn't wise, my love. You know it isn't. The sooner you know the better. Your menses are late; you have breast pain, tiredness and nausea. These are all symptoms of..."

"I know..." She said before he finished.

"That's it... Do you want me to call another doctor?"

"No. It can be Sir James Clark."

"Very well, I'll have him called." William said as he rose and kissed her forehead.

He left briefly and came back quickly.

She was still sitting on the side of the bed in the same position.

William sat on the bed beside her. He pulled her against him, kissed her head, and asked:

"Are you concerned?"

"A little... Although it's not a complete surprise..."

"This may be unexpected, but it was predictable... Let's wait until we hear from the doctor."

After a while the doctor arrived.

William waited outside the bedroom for the medical check to take place.

The doctor left smiling, but made no remark. He just told him he could come in.

She was sitting on the bed, leaning against the headboard.

When he came over to sit on the edge of the bed beside her, Victoria projected her body forward and stretched out her arms for him to hug her.

He sat on the edge of the bed and hugged her.

"The doctor says I'm expecting a baby." Victoria said with her mouth on his right ear.

William was flooded with a sense of indescribable fullness, closed his eyes and exclaimed:

"That's wonderful, my love!"

Then he bent back to look at her, and then tenderly put her hair behind her ears so that he could see her face more clearly.

A few tears fell from her eyes as she said in a whisper:

"I'm scared…"

"I know, my love, but I also know how much courage you have."

She recognized that same phrase from another moment in their lives, some years before, when she had had to visit Flora Hastings on her deathbed after the humiliation she had put her through. That phrase in his tone of voice, always so warm and soft, gave her strength.

"Being pregnant can be good because a baby is on the way... but childbirth can be very dangerous. You know... Princess Charlotte..." She remembered again.

He pressed her against him.

"Shhhh... That will not happen. You are young, strong, healthy... and that was over 20 years ago. Today, medicine is more advanced."

"But I'm worried..."

"Think of your mother, she had no trouble bringing you to the world, and you must have inherited her sturdiness. Besides, to make you feel more rested – and I also – we'll ask for the services of the best obstetrician in London. And it would also be good that you talked with other ladies about this subject to be informed."

She remembered that her mother used to say that her labor had only taken six hours and thirty minutes, and nodded affirmatively.

"You can talk to your mother, Victoria. Your relationship has never been easy, but she can help you, and I'm sure she'll enjoy collaborating in this. You know how she has helped in other circumstances..." He reminded her.

Victoria remembered when she had hugged her mother because she suffered with William's resignation as prime minister in 1839, and how she had done the same when she was heartbroken because he didn't correspond to her declaration of love at Brocket Hall. She nodded again.

Then he bent over, went down her body, and kissed her belly over her nightgown as he said:

"It's wonderful that you're expecting a baby, my love..."

"Are you happy now?" She asked.

"Of course I'm happy! Having you and now this child is all the happiness I could wish for!"

She smiled because he was happy.

They kissed tenderly.

She was frightened, which was perfectly understandable. But fear didn't come only from the known example of Princess Charlotte. At the time, childbirth was always wrapped in pain, and being pregnant could always become a death sentence for the mother and/or the baby. It was, in fact, a very eminent danger that caused a very real anguish, especially in women who had never experienced it. The first birth was usually more difficult.

Victoria lay in bed to rest.

Lehzen was called to give her something for the nausea, but the matter was kept as a domestic secret until Victoria thought it could be publicly disclosed.

After seeing that Victoria was better William left the palace and walked in the garden.

He was happy! So happy that she was pregnant! So happy to have a child of hers! Boy, girl, it didn't matter! A baby, a son! And hers!

But suddenly he felt a tightness in his stomach and was terrified!

What if things went in fact wrong?

He entered the classic style garden folly.

What if the baby had a disability like Augustus? Why had Augustus had a disability? Had it been inherited from Caroline or from him? No, he couldn't go through that again! And she couldn't go through that, carrying that weight in her life! When she would be left alone...

What if she had a miscarriage? Caroline had had two miscarriages before Augustus' birth.

What if the baby died? The daughter he had had with Caroline had died in 24 hours. How would Victoria react to that? Outside the bedroom, he had heard Caro's screams! He had seen the blood on the towels the maids carried! He had seen how Caro had been bedridden for months without physical strength and spirit!

He leaned against the wall of the folly.

Tears welled in his eyes.

What if she died?

Tears welled up in a sob.

He slid down the wall and dropped to the floor.

No, no, no! What a despair! No! That couldn't happen! Not now! Not with her!

He put the hands on his face and stood there crying convulsively.

Victoria would never know of this moment.

Now things had changed.

It was as if she were another Victoria. She felt different in her body and in her emotions. It was strange to know that there was another being inside her. And it was scary to think about what could happen in a few months. And it was worrying to think about how her life would be like for the next few months. She had asked for six months! At least six months! But only three had been given to her without knowing she was expecting a baby, and by Dr. Clark's calculation, little more than one without conceiving, for he guessed that she had been pregnant for two months.

William knew he had to reassure her, only he could do that. And he couldn't let her feel that he too was scared of what might happen; therefore he would also have to do something to calm himself down.

She hadn't eaten anything at dinner, she didn't want to eat, the smell of food was unbearable.

They were now in bed, lying on their side, Victoria with her back to William. He had put his left arm around her body, ran his hand over her belly in a circle, over her nightgown, and asked:

"Is everything all right now, my love?"

"Yes, but my mother says nausea should come back in the morning..."

"It must be like this for a while, but it will eventually pass."

She turned to him, ran her hand over his hair and left ear and said:

"You know, today I asked myself what I should do to be a good mother..."

He registered her remark.

She continued:

"I don't have a good relationship with my mother, as you know..."

"It's easy. Just do with our child what you would have liked your mother to have done with you, and don't do what you didn't like that she did." He suggested.

She thought about what he had said and began to tell:

"I'm scared of mice... One night in Kensington, while I was sleeping, a mouse ran over me... I woke up scared and screaming, but my mother didn't believe me... She said that such a thing couldn't have happened… It was horrible! I still feel today the paws and the tail... It's creepy..."

"Shhh... There are no mice here..." He tried to reassure her, running his left hand through her hair.

She continued:

"The hardest thing was remaining cool when I was angry and they tormented me. In 1835 I was bedridden, sick, for five weeks. My nervous system couldn't stand the oppressive environment, in which I lived anymore, and I didn't have the strength to get up, my head hurt, and my hair fell abundantly. But my mother and Conroy thought I was pretending!"

Despite the attempts to direct Victoria to improve her relationship with her mother, at that moment William felt a desire to rip those two beings in two!

But she went on:

"Dr. Clark gave me opium for the pain, and only Lehzen was on my side. I had circulation problems and every day she massaged my feet to warm them."

Instinctively, he brought his feet closer to hers.

Victoria had been surrounded by many attentions, but without tenderness or consideration! And he had given her tenderness and consideration! That's why she fell in love with him!

"They still took advantage of the fact that I was sick to try and compel me to sign a document that guaranteed that Conroy would be named my private secretary the day I ascended the throne. Backed by Lehzen, I resisted! In spite of their rudeness and my state of health!"

Victoria started to cry. From the memory of the past and the nervousness provoked by her condition in the present moment.

Touched, he squeezed her tightly against him and kissed her on the forehead.

She wanted to keep talking and moved slightly away from him to say between tears:

"A long time after I was still thin, pale, had difficulty walking and was unable to ride... But I came out victorious! From that moment on no one would bend me! That's why we're here today! Because I would never let anyone stop me from marrying you! Whatever the consequences!"

He pressed her against him again, kissed her cheek, and said:

"I'm so sorry that they put you through that, my love! And I'm so proud of your strength and determination! Like in everything else, you will quickly learn to be a mother and you will make a wonderful mother! I am sure of it!"

He had to do something to help. He needed to feel useful in that situation. For her and for him. Normally men lived away from the issues of pregnancy and childbirth, considered to be women's concerns. He himself hadn't interfered with Caro's pregnancies and hadn't attended his children's births, for at that time most men waited outside the bedroom, only entering after the birth. But now it was different. In an absolute desire that nothing should go wrong, because what had happened in the past couldn't be repeated, much less could something worse happen, he, who was an intelligent and educated man, was going to do whatever he could to help. And what he could do was read about the matter; study the compendia, manuals, and medical treatises of obstetrics, and to be aware of procedures, complications, and alternatives. That way he could be more prepared about what could happen on the day of delivery, and to inform Victoria about the functioning of her own body.

He searched, read, took notes.

What he found was not reassuring. The complications could be diverse and the procedures were scary, which made that mortality among newborns and parturient women was high. A baby who didn't turn around was a very serious problem. Cesarean section was a very old but very rare practice, and the rate of success in living women was almost non-existent. The use of forceps had spread precisely after the death of Princess Charlotte, which helped in some cases, but was harmful in others, when they caused lacerations in women and newborns. In the most extreme cases, and in order to avoid a cesarean section, which would almost certainly lead to the death of the parturient, the solution was embryotomy, a horrendous practice which consisted in severing a dead fetus inside the generating organism when it was impossible to extract it all at once.

However among so much information there was an interesting aspect. Until the 17th century women had given birth squatting, sitting or standing. Only later they started giving birth in a more difficult and painful position which, in turn, gave rise to the need of using forceps. Keeping the back in a vertical position was the best way to have a successful delivery: it enlarged the passage space, used the force of gravity, and was faster, easier and less painful.

Some books had very high-quality drawings of the inside of pregnant women's bodies, forceps, childbirth chairs… It was good that Victoria saw some of them, but it was better for her not to see others...

On 24th May it was her birthday, but her health condition didn't allow her great celebrations. She couldn't move too much, nor could she eat freely. Information that the Queen was sick was circulated, but the reason for her illness wasn't explained. However suspicions of a pregnancy easily began to spread in court.

Victoria didn't nullify the possibility of receiving the children choir that would come to sing for her, since this activity wasn't demanding, and the decorations and special illuminations that marked the date were maintained in the streets, so that the people had the birthday of their sovereign present in their minds.

There was no party, but there were gifts.

When Victoria returned from the children's reception, there was in the green room a volume above a pedestal covered with a red cloth. William was waiting for her next to it.

"What is hidden in there, William?" She asked curiously.

"Something for you!"

"May I see it?"

He pulled the cloth showing the piece.

A marble bust was revealed. William represented as a Roman Senator!

"Oh! It's you, William!" She exclaimed.

"I think we're balanced now. I have you in my office and you can have me here in your workroom!" He explained.

"Thank you my love!" She exclaimed as she stretched to kiss him. And then she added, "This is a role that suits you perfectly: Senator!"

William laughed.

"John Francis made a good interpretation, don't you think?" He asked.

"I do, but I also think that I prefer the real Lord Melbourne! He's more handsome and, above all... warmer!" Victoria remarked as she hugged him.

The Duchess of Kent was now a frequent presence in the palace, for she felt she had to give Victoria numerous instructions, especially how to overcome nausea. William gave her a polite but firm warning for her to avoid making unnecessary or improper comments in front of Victoria that would make her even more worried about her present condition.

Politically the situation was also complicated. On 27th May 1841, Robert Peel presented a vote of no confidence in the House of Commons against the government of John Russell, whose party had already lost four partial elections.

The public announcement of the sovereign's pregnancy was made a few days after. The baby on the way wouldn't inherit the throne, but it would be the Queen's child, and that was in the public interest.

After five days of debate the motion against Russell was adopted in the House by a vote of 312 against 311. John Russell lost by only one vote and then asked for the Queen to dissolve the Parliament.

The sickness continued. Victoria was apprehensive and grew slower and quieter. She was also less affectionate and the physical interaction in bed ceased to exist. She was worried and couldn't be emotionally released from the long wait that would follow for the result of that pregnancy. Dr. Charles Locock, London's best obstetrician, was hired to accompany her.

William watched her, understood what was going on, but didn't speak directly to her about it. He gave her time to reorganize herself. He felt almost guilty for what Victoria was going through. To try to minimize her apprehension, he gave her even more attention and was extremely affectionate to her. She needed to get rid of the tension that had settled since the doctor confirmed the pregnancy.

The launch of HMS Trafalgar was scheduled for 21st June. If the sickness wasn't controlled the situation would be complicated! Why did she have to go through that? Being a woman and being a monarch were two realities that hardly combined, and she was confronted with that every day. A man monarch didn't have these problems and could go wherever he wanted whenever he needed to. It seemed that a female monarch was a fragile figure and had to fight against this image! And how could Cousin Maria write her from Portugal about the blessings of motherhood? She had had terrible deliveries! But she liked being a mother...

To help her, William wrote her the speech for the next day's ceremony while she spent a few hours in bed with little Achilles. It wouldn't be a long speech, but she couldn't even think of five lines. When he finished he went to the bedroom with the sheets.

"Here's the sketch for you to read and change as you see fit." He informed her as he walked over to her and sat on the edge of the bed.

"It's great for sure! I don't want to read any of it!" She answered in despondency.

"Are you sure? Are you just going to read this tomorrow at the ceremony?"

"Oh my love, you know better than I what should be said! Thank you!"

He kissed her forehead.

The nausea was worse in the morning, but the launching of the ship would take place in the afternoon at the Woolwich Dockyard.

Victoria drank ginger tea, supposedly a good controller of nausea before she left in the carriage to the port, wearing a coat and a hat, accompanied by William.

For many miles the Thames was covered with all kinds of boats, and hundreds of thousands of people were present at the event.

In the ornamented harbor, Victoria climbed down the carriage, leaning on William's hand. Then a girl went to her and gave her a bunch of flowers. The Queen smiled at her, pleased with her gentleness.

He noticed that child who must have been about 8 or 9 years old, with blond locks and blue eyes, and remembered that the daughter he had had with Caroline could have never reached that age. However he also thought that soon another child would be born and this time he hoped not only that it would survive, but also that it would be healthy.

Victoria spoke and watched the launch of yet another ship with 120 arms for the Royal Navy from the platform where she was accompanied by William.

At the Queen's request, the ship was baptized by Lady Bridport, the niece of Lord Nelson, the Admiral who had commanded the British fleet against the Franco-Spanish fleet at the Battle of Trafalgar in 1805, where he had died, although securing victory for the British forces. The wine used was some of what had been saved from HMS Victory – Nelson's flagship – after returning from Trafalgar. At the time of the launch, there were five hundred people aboard the ship, of which a hundred had been in battle.

Although everything had gone well during the ceremony, and there had been no embarrassing nausea, in the end Victoria returned to the palace with a headache and tired. She made the return trip leaning against William's chest and went back to bed.

He thought that her prostration was more a result of emotional apprehension than of physical malaise caused by nausea and headaches.

When William peeked from the bedroom door almost at dusk he saw that she had already woken up and was sitting in the bed, having rested a few hours. Only wearing pants and a shirt, and with his shoes on, he sat down on the bed beside her and took her left hand.

"Are you feeling better?" He asked.

"Now yes!"

"Victoria... Is there anything you want to tell me? About your condition..." William asked, giving her an immediate opportunity to talk about what worried her.

She looked at him for a few seconds and then asked:

"William, do you like babies?"

He was surprised by the question, but didn't let it show in his expression.

"I think they inspire us with tenderness, don't you think?"

"I don't know... I feel nothing for them... It's not that I don't like them, but I don't feel that I like them either..."

"You don't feel the desire to be a mother?" He asked to help her materialize what she was saying.

Victoria swallowed and with a distressed look she confessed:

"I'm sorry, William, but in fact I don't feel any desire to be a mother." And then she continued in a more distressed voice: "I want to give you a child! I thought things would change, that I would feel different after I expected a baby... But nothing has changed..."

He was surprised by this confession, but he couldn't react negatively because it would only make things worse. It was not supposed for her not to feel empathy for babies! All women loved babies! Or not? Well, if he thought about it, maybe he had already heard some stories... He chose to pick up the familiar part:

"Well, Victoria... I know you're afraid of childbirth, and I understand, it's natural... That must be why you don't feel the urge of having this child..."

"It's not just that, William... I think that I will not know what to do with a baby..."

He spoke quickly:

"But that's normal, Victoria! No one is born taught. You will have to learn and you will not be alone, you'll have people who will help you in this function: your mother, Lehzen, your ladies, the nanny... You always learn everything so quickly..." He sighed and then finished: "And I have also already told you that you'll quickly learn how to be a mother..."

"At this moment I think this child hinders me..."

William dropped her hand, placing both hands in his lap.

"A hindrance, Victoria?" He asked in astonishment. Now he was hurt for his barely formed child.

She knelt on the bed and turned to him, and exclaimed in affliction:

"I'm sorry! I just wanted to be free! Free! Do you understand?"

Her tears began to stream down her face. She was scared of dying, she didn't want that child for many reasons, she was sensitive and now she had realized that she had hurt him! And she didn't want that to happen! And he was the only person with whom she could vent, and only he could help her see things differently... Well, she hoped that, as always, he could do it... But now... maybe she had gone too far...

Weeping she explained in anguish:

"I was a prisoner in Kensington! You know that William! And I've wished for years to be free! I dreamed that when I would be queen I could do everything I wanted, I could determine myself, I could enjoy life. And that's what happened in the first years! With you! Only with you! You know... And then I wanted to marry you, to be even freer! Free to marry the man I loved! Free and happy! Only you know how happy I am by your side! So I wanted my freedom and our happiness together to continue! A baby changes everything! I no longer know if I will continue to be happy, I feel threatened with death..."

He thought she was confused and frightened and that, as always, she needed him. And he was already old enough and had enough experience to be able to deal with this situation; to assuage his own shock and, as always, reassure her. And he understood what she was saying about the past... And she was so young…

"Victoria, that will not happen! You are strong and healthy!"

"And my body will change... Will you like to see me with a huge belly?"

He felt touched by this concern so naive and so natural at the same time. He knelt down on the bed, turning to her. He took her hands and said:

"Oh, Victoria! When you love someone you don't stop loving them because that person's body has changed! And I am sure that when your belly grows you will look beautiful! A pregnant woman can be something very beautiful!"

She smiled. If he said so...

"But now I will not be able to do a lot of things, I feel like a prisoner of this baby, conditioned in my existence by it, and after this child is born there will be someone for whom I will be responsible... It's strange..."

William thought that over time, with patience and tenderness, as he had always done, her understanding of motherhood would improve. He said:

"Victoria! You can continue to do some things even if you are pregnant, especially in the coming months, but others you will not, but only more towards the end of the pregnancy... But it's for your health and the baby's that will be born, and it will only be temporary. Then you will do everything again as before. And as for taking care of this child you're not alone, I'm here too! And you know how I have experience in taking care of children... And the palace is full of people too to help. A baby doesn't have an instruction manual, but neither is it a scary thing!"

That said, she thought maybe it was not so difficult. Him saying "I'm here too" had sounded encouraging.

She felt guilty for not feeling anything special for that little being that was forming inside her! She should definitely adore it! That's what all women said they felt for their children! And she had confessed that lack to the father of that child; to the man she loved...

Victoria hugged William hard and asked:

"Forgive me, William, for not wanting our child the same way you do!"

He was moved by her request. It showed she felt guilty. But he realized that she was not to blame, that this was something that supplanted her. He felt her back in his hands through the fabric of her nightgown. And the warmth and shape of her body were now so familiar! And they made him feel so good! He answered:

"You will love it! You will... And until then I will love it for us both!"

Victoria thought there couldn't be such a man! With such a great capacity to love!