For days I sat in my chair, refusing to eat or sleep. Mrs Cove was promptly banned from my company, if she wanted to keep her job at the house. I had looked out at the Estate for most of the time, thinking of what a fool I had been to ignore the facts.
I had lied to myself, claimed that a life was as good as living…Jasper had said as much himself when we had met in the field. He did not call on me, nor did I him. Edward and Alice had tried, but I turned them away. Now was not the time for company. I feared for what I might say in the heat of the moment, and none of the people trying to be with me deserved that. I felt myself slipping back into the darkness I had been talking with Jasper about only a few days prior. How easy it was to fall from the empire you had built.
I had been foolish in my heart, and I had let it go to someone who I didn't deserve. Love was a cruel thing, and loving someone who didn't deserve it was painful…but nothing was as painful as loving someone who you did not deserve. Eventually admitting it to myself was difficult, but I did indeed love Jasper. Perhaps not the kind of love I had been searching for, perhaps only the love I held for Alice and Edward…but it was a love that stayed with me and was rekindled that day in the pen.
Jasper would be the hero in my own novel, the chapters of my life, and I would rewrite the ending. We would come to discover our love for each other without hurt, and without sadness…we would court in an ideal world, and it would be accepted. I had no illusions over the fact that it certainly wasn't the world I lived in now.
But, more importantly than anything else…I would be able to give Jasper everything that he deserved. A military man needed successors for his land, especially a Major. It was silly to think so far ahead when I scarcely believed I loved him already, or understood in which way I loved him. I had no idea how he felt, but it seemed better this way – to deal with my heartache alone and remain his friend. He would be none the wiser of my little moment in the darkness; perhaps I would meet his wife and children one day. Perhaps, if fate were to be kind to me, he would meet…whoever was in my life eventually.
I rolled myself over to the canvas I had disregarded a few days ago, during my argument with Mrs Cove. I sighed as I picked up the paints and opened the drawer that they belonged in. What I spotted, however, caused me to stop what I was doing.
A little corner of a slightly dulling canvas was showing and I furrowed my brow. Tugging at it, I found that it was much smaller than I had anticipated and came out as a pocket-sized image that stopped me in my tracks.
Okay, so I'm hoping I've managed to slowly start fixing things. However, after the amount of time it's taking when when I should be doing 4,000 words for my university course...if there are any typos I will not be coming back to fix them! I am done with Abaccus, this story is going to send me loopy!
But, please, let me know what you think and whether this has all been worth it. I know that some of my chapters are really short...but you're getting a nearly 80,000 word story in one go, so you can't really complain about having to click the "next chapter" button quite so much. Anyway, back to work!
It was Jasper's Christmas present…the one I had never given him. I placed my hand over my mouth as tears welled up in my eyes. I had drawn a perfect image of Jasper, as a young boy, jumping Abaccus over the fence. I smiled to myself at the youth in his face, and the joy I had presented there. It reminded me of simpler times, and that was from where my emotions came.
That was how I remembered Jasper.
He was young, carefree, and enjoying his life. This was a time when titles, and positions in society, were little more than rumours to the educated youngsters…such as myself. So much had changed since then. I ran my fingers over the cast of his face and it reaffirmed my resolve.
What did titles and position matter when someone you cared about existed in this world? We had one life; one life to experience all of the happiness in the world and it seemed silly to deny myself that. Who was I to tell myself I couldn't explore this feeling I had towards Jasper, to discover what it was that made us friends in the first place? I was my only source of encouragement, and allowing myself to be a blockade for even a second was not how I had learned to live my life.