Only this chapter, then Epilogue. This chapter is extremely cracky, but I had a blast writing it. Also, remember, this was written pre season 5, but there is like, one or two coincidences that occur.
Chapter 25: The Final Battle…and the Final Party (Tamara's chapter)
Tamara, after several hours, believed that battles were not all they're cracked up to be. After their arrival, Richard had dragged them off to the jungle in order to avoid being seen. That was the most exciting even that had happened so far. Desmond, Ben, and Richard were talking out some battle strategy (no girls allowed, unfortunately; Tamara and Brittany had some fantastic ideas- who else would have thought of tripping up the enemy with banana peel trails?), Kate was talking to Aaron, Jack was trying to talk to Kate, Hurly was eating, Sayid was being sad, Walt was playing with Vincent (Richard had, apparently, adopted the dog), Sun was searching fruitlessly for her husband, Brittany was playing rock, paper, scissors with Wilbur, Daniel Faraday was searching for his other sock, and Tamara was chopping firewood with her lightsaber.
A voice interrupted her thoughts. "Need a hand?" It was Juliet. The two old friends embraced joyfully.
"I think I've got it covered," Tamara responded to her query, nodding to her handy dandy lightsaber.
Juliet sat down on a convenient log. "I can't help but wonder," she began hesitatingly, "what did you do when you were in the outside world?"
Tamara wrinkled her nose in thought. She sat beside Juliet, flicking her lightsaber back into place. "I can't really remember. There was sex, though. Lots of it."
Juliet raised her eyebrows. "I didn't want to know that."
Tamara shrugged. "You asked."
The two friends sat in an awkward silence. Tamara had been gone for so long off the island that Juliet now had nothing in common with her. Their silence was, thankfully, interrupted by Brittany's distressed shout.
"Wilbur! You can't use dynamite! That's cheating!"
Apparently, she was a sore loser when it came to little kid games.
Ben, with a sigh, separated himself from his group of battle planners to calm his girlfriend down. Desmond and Richard both looked at one another cluelessly. Ben was the evil mastermind behind the war, so they broke up their planning session and joined Tamara and Juliet on their log, which was becoming very crowded.
Tamara was squished awkwardly between Desmond and Juliet, and Juliet and Richard were struggling to stay on the improvised loveseat.
A thought struck Tamara, and she giggled. Leaning behind Juliet, she poked Desmond's arm. When he looked at her, she said, "So, Richard. How are your socks? Sticky enough for you?"
Richard gave her a false smile. "That- that was very clever on your part, I must say. A little juvenile, but hey, nobody's perfect. Of course, I knew that it was you all along."
Miles chose that moment to casually stroll behind the four bumps on the log and say, "No he didn't- if he had, he would've had you shot."
Tamara grinned at Richard, and he hastily changed the subject."
"So, Desmond," Juliet said from Tamara's side, "how've you been?"
Desmond leaned around the front of Tamara and replied, "Oh, perfect. Of course, I had to endure months with Tamara and Brittany together- that was rather hectic."
"How did you guys make it alive?" Juliet asked, rather shocked.
"It was rather difficult," Desmond sighed, but his love for his fiancée kept him from being irritated with Tamara and Brittany.
"Hey! I heard that!" She shoved Desmond. Juliet fell from the log, Desmond on top of her. Tamara, who had become accustomed to the pressure on either side, lost her balance at the sudden reprieve from her right side and fell over backwards. Her foot caught Richard's head, and he fell on his face.
"I'm not hanging out with you anymore," he huffed, his face full of mud.
"Aw, Richard, don't be like that!" Tamara called after him as he stormed off.
Juliet stood, too, and went to help Daniel look for his second sock. Tamara and Desmond stood and stared at Ben and Brittany. Ben, apparently, had decided that the best way to console Brittany was to embarrass their friends by making out in front of everybody. Young Walt was staring at them, open-mouthed, his mind becoming corrupted.
"How come we never do that?" Tamara asked Desmond.
"We do things like that all the time," Desmond argued. "Just, not in public."
They winced in unison as Brittany let out a particularly loud moan.
"This is worse than the time at the restaurant," Desmond muttered.
"And the club," Tamara agreed.
"And the cinema."
"And the zoo."
"And the park."
"And the drive-thru."
"And the museum."
"And IHOP."
"We are always being embarrassed by them," Desmond sighed. "What did we do to deserve this torture?"
"I don't know, but I'm gonna fix it," Tamara muttered. Before Desmond could question her meaning, Tamara had grabbed his hair and tugged his mouth to hers. Desmond wrapped his arms around her waist. Their tongues somehow found their way into each other's mouths. Tamara had tangled her fingers in Desmond's locks, and his hands rested on the skin of her back. They twisted, and their kissing got even more frantic. Tamara found herself pushed against a tree, Desmond's hands on either side of her. She opened her eyes to get a look at Ben and Brittany's faces.
"OH MY GOD!!!" she shrieked. Somehow (she had no idea how), she had let go of Desmond. Even worse- she had her tongue down Benjamin's throat. "EW!!!" She pushed Ben away from her and retched violently (and theatrically). It was no consolation that Ben was doing the same thing.
And it was really no consolation that Brittany and Desmond were wrenching apart, looks of horror on their faces.
Tamara and Brittany glared at each other. Ben and Desmond backed away. "You BITCH!" Tamara screamed, pointing at Brittany.
"Oh, I'm the bitch? You started it!"
Tamara gasped, appalled. She bent down and threw a glob of mud in Brittany's face. With an enraged roar, Brittany attacked Tamara, throwing them onto the ground into a mud puddle. Brittany entangled her hands in Tamara's long hair. Tamara screamed in pain and anger and attempted to gouge Brittany's eyes out.
Ben and Desmond both glared at each other. And glared. And glared some more. Tamara and Brittany abruptly stopped their fight and rounded on their lovers.
"Desmond!" Tamara snapped. "Why aren't you defending my honor?"
"Yeah!" Brittany agreed, rounding on Ben. "Why were you kissing her?" she whined. "Am I not good enough for you?"
"No, Brittany, I swear!"
Brittany raised her hand. "I don't want to hear it." And she stalked off, arm in arm with Tamara.
"We need to return to the Barracks," Ben ordered a while later.
"Yeah, I was wondering why we were just sitting in a random clearing," Juliet agreed.
"We're waiting for Frank," Daniel stated, as though it were obvious.
Tamara and Brittany looked at Daniel with pity. Obviously, he was unaware that Frank would never come back. It had been hard enough for them to find the island again.
Just then, they heard the sounds of two people trudging through the woods. Desmond and Ben moved to protect their lovers, and their lovers whipped out their amazing lightsabers. Juliet pulled out a gun, Richard pulled out a staff, and Miles and Daniel just looked confused.
All their preparations were in vain, however, as the only two people who emerged into the clearing were Penny and Frank.
"What?!" Tamara and Brittany demanded simultaneously.
"How did you get here?" Ben demanded.
"My father. He's half a day away," Penny explained.
"Why are you together?" Tamara asked, eying Penny and Frank's linked hands.
"It's been a long time," Frank shrugged. Then he kissed Penny. Passionately.
"Okay, that is more than I needed to know," Brittany grumbled.
This display of affection didn't bother Ben, who, after all, held the patent on older men with younger women.
"Run to the Barracks!" he ordered.
"Dude, we have to run?" Hurley asked. His tone was resigned.
Nobody bothered to answer. Instead, the small group took off running. They raced through the trees until they reached the pylon fence. While they waited for Ben to turn the fence off, Tamara happened to spot something moving in the grass. Kneeling to see what it was, she gave a cry of joy. "Peter!" For it was Peter, bunny number sixteen.
Ben looked appalled as Tamara scooped the rabbit up and cuddled him. "You named bunny sixteen?"
"How did you get a pet bunny?" Brittany demanded. Tamara was saved from answering by the sound of the pylons deactivating. They rushed through all the way to Otherville. It appeared that most of the island inhibiters were here. Charlotte ran to Daniel, overjoyed to see him alive. They shared a passionate kiss.
Kate, upon seeing Sawyer, made to run theatrically into his arms, but Juliet beat her there. Sawyer and Juliet shared a romantic kiss. Kate saw red. Sure, she had once agreed to marry Jack, but she was here now! How dare Sawyer move on!
Miles rushed to Claire, eager to see her. They shared a sweet kiss, before Claire accosted Kate, and, finally, got Aaron back.
Tamara and Brittany stood amid the blossoming romances, feeling as though they'd turned two pages at once.
"Do you get the feeling that we've missed a lot on the romance front?" Tamara asked.
Brittany nodded. "Feels like high school, to be completely honest."
However, there was one poor soul who was left alone, looking desperately for his lover. "Where's Waldo?" Wilbur mourned. Tamara snickered. Brittany shot him a glare, although she, too, was trying not to laugh.
Desmond took Tamara's hand and led her to the closest unoccupied mustard-colored house. They sat down on the couch and stared at the wall.
"Now what?" Tamara sighed.
Brittany and Ben entered, looking surprised to see Tamara and Desmond.
"Hi," Tamara and Desmond said together in the same monotone.
"Hi," Ben said, his tone just as dull.
Brittany, on the other hand, was very bubbly. "Let's party!" she cried. A bunch of people they had never seen before burst from all rooms, waving their hands in the air, appearing to be attending a pajama party. A man whom Tamara dubbed Cedric Diggory casually strolled by, flipping a large silver coin. The woman following him was Asian, so Tamara called her Cho Chang. The man following her like a lost puppy had glasses so he was officially Harry Potter. A man swinging a suitcase was dressed like Harry, so he was Colin Creevey.
There was a woman serving drinks, so she was Madame Rosmerta. 'Harry' stopped to get a drink from her, but he was interrupted by a soulful stare at 'Cho' and a random romantic intercourse with a girl Tamara called Ginny.
"Where did all these people come from?!" Tamara exclaimed in awe, watching a man with a cigar in his teeth strut by her. He was Dumbledore, in her opinion.
"More importantly, where did all the clothes come frome?!" Brittany demanded, staring at 'Dumbledore's' pink vest and 'Ginny's' white…outfit.
"Jacob's cabin, of course," Ben stated as if it were obvious.
"How did they fit in his cabin?" Tamara wondered. "It's so small! He doesn't even have a bathroom!"
Deciding that the matter wasn't worth worrying about, Tamara and Brittany took a pink drink each from 'Rosmerta,' backing hastily towards the wall as 'Harry' and 'Ginny' danced past. An unpleasant looking man with large teeth came and stood between the two friends. Neither looked at him, hoping he would just go away. He didn't. He just stood there, grinning wickedly and breathing heavily.
Finally, Tamara decided to break the (very) awkward silence. "So…what've you been up to, Frogurt?"
"It's Neil," Frogurt proclaimed. His voice was irritatingly nasally. Tamara could think of nothing to say, so she started watching Ben and Desmond play pool against Jack and a blonde survivor named Tracy. As Desmond and Ben were winning, Jack was crying. Tracy threw her arms around Jack and kissed him passionately. Kate didn't like that; she retreated to a corner and drowned her sorrows in Ben's secret wine hoard. Tamara was too immersed in these developments to notice that Frogurt Guy was ogling Desmond.
"You know, you'll never go far with him," he said.
Tamara wasn't really paying attention. "Sorry?"
"You and Desmond- you'll never make it past first base, so why don't you give up and clear the way for someone else?"
Tamara, who had never really been sure which base meant what (and she didn't follow baseball anyway), held up that hand that bore her engagement ring.
Frogurt Guy grimaced. "Well played, Tamara, well played indeed. But I'll always be waiting in the sidelines; and when you screw up-" he thumped his chest like a gorilla, "-it's Neil time." He was gone.
Tamara and Brittany stared at each other across the empty space Frogurt had occupied.
"That was…" Brittany didn't even bother finishing her sentence. Tamara nodded, understanding her meaning.
They watched in wonder as 'Dumbledore' dragged 'Harry' by the hand and randomly knocked on a door.
"Are they going to help us in the battle?" Brittany wondered aloud.
"Hope so," Tamara replied. "They'd probably frighten Widmore and his lackeys away." As she said this, the people at the pajama party continued to shimmy around an unconscious Kate (she was passed out drunk).
Tamara, Brittany, Desmond, and Ben were playing 'Go Fish' with a pack of Brittany's 'Old Maid' cards, now oblivious to the ongoing pajama party and love dramas.
"Do you have any Strong Men?" Brittany asked Desmond.
Ben snorted. "I'm a strong man, Brittany." He winked at her. Brittany blushed. Grinning wider, Ben flexed his muscles. Tamara, who was sitting beside him, plucked up the sleeve of his collared shirt, trying to help his lack of muscle. He glowered.
There was a noise outside. Ben rose to his feet and peeked out the window. He was so short that Desmond could easily see over the top of his head. However, now the two men were blocking the window. Tamara, who about a foot shorter than Desmond and a couple of inches shorter than Ben, was actually jumping up to try and see over her fiance's head. Brittany, who was about the same height as Ben, was reduced to standing on her toes, craning her neck. The girls gave up and merely pushed their lovers out of the way. Brittany shoved Desmond into a stereo. Tamara shoved Ben into the nearest cactus plant.
"Sorry, Dezzy," Brittany grinned, taking his spot at the window.
Tamara rolled her eyes at Ben's pained moans. "It's your own fault; why do you even own a cactus?!"
Peering into the gloom, the girls saw what had made the noise- Widmore's army had arrived.
"How did they get through the fence?" Brittany wondered aloud.
"They came from the beach," Ben explained, his voice tight with pain.
Tamara, Brittany, and Desmond stared at him. "This is the worst security system ever," Desmond declared.
"Ditto," Brittany agreed.
"What do you say when you're the third person to agree to something?" Tamara asked Brittany. Brittany shrugged.
Ben finally freed himself from his cactus trap. "Widmore!" he bellowed. Instantly, the pajama partiers stopped shimmying. 'Cedric's' coin gained a razor sharp edge; it was plain that he meant to throw them at the opponent's neck. 'Cho' had apparently been carrying a gun on her thigh, as one suddenly appeared in her hand. 'Harry's' glasses flashed; he touched the top and a red light vaporized the piano. 'Colin' pulled an M-16 out of his suitcase. 'Rosmerta's' drink tray transformed into a grenade launcher. 'Ginny' whipped off the veil she had been wearing; it cracked like a whip. 'Dumbledore' removed his cigar; it transformed into a lightsaber.
Tamara and Brittany stared at the warriors in their pajamas. An explosion knocked them to their senses, and they whipped out their lightsabers.
The doorbell rang.
"Not again," Tamara moaned.
Sawyer answered the door cautiously (sporting an AK-47), and a figure tumbled in. They all gaped in surprise, too shocked to speak.
Wilbur was the first to speak. "Waldo?!" His tone was fearful. Possibly because of his dark cloak, combat boots, Kevlar vest, and emo hair.
"Hello, Wilbur," he sneered. To the rest of the shocked party, he said, "I bring a message from Mr. Widmore…or should I say Charles?" He smiled.
Wilbur recognized that smile for what it was. His face crumpled and his eyes filled with tears. "No, Waldo," he moaned. "How could you do this to me?"
Waldo smirked. "Well, Wilbur, because you're so dull and unimportant! Sharing a bed with you wasn't getting me anywhere. With Charles, on the other hand…" He trailed off with a dreamy smile.
Tamara and Brittany, who were just beginning to understand what was going on, stared at each other in horror.
"He betrayed us!" Tamara was thinking of her former stalker.
"Never mind that!" Brittany whispered. "He's sleeping with Charles Widmore!" She shuddered.
Waldo must've had superhearing, because he heard them. "It's only because Tamara so cruelly rejected me that I turned gay in the first place!"
"Way to ruin everything, Tamara," Brittany muttered.
"I cost more than a couple of bananas, Waldo," Tamara snarled. She wasn't sure whether or not to be flattered that she had turned this man gay (not to mention evil).
"She's free for me," Desmond put in. Tamara glared at him. Waldo glared at Desmond. Ben thought it would be best to stop the insanity before someone got hurt.
"Waldo, you said you had a message from Charles?"
Brittany groaned. "What is it with you and your first name basis? Don't tell me you've slept with him too!"
Ben ignored her and waited patiently for Waldo's response.
"His message is," he took out a piece of paper and read aloud, "'You are all going to die.'" He made to leave.
Ben nodded. This was clearly a message of some sort because 'Cho' fired her gun. Waldo fell to the ground, dead.
"NOOOOO!" Wilbur moaned, tears coursing down his cheeks.
Tamara and Brittany looked at each other; they were both thinking the same thing: this war is like a soap opera! They, they turned to Ben.
"What now?" Brittany asked, which was probably for the best; he probably wouldn't answer Tamara.
"We meet them head on," Ben said dramatically.
Tamara turned to Desmond and held out her hand. "It was nice knowing you," she declared. They shook hands before sharing a passionate kiss. Ben and Brittany were doing the same a few feet away.
Then, without further ado, everyone in the house (except Kate- she was still passed out drunk)ran out, crying fierce battle cries, waving their weapons around. Widmore's men raised their guns. It was then that they heard it.
From the treeline, there was a rhythmic beat, vibrating all around. Everyone held their positions shocked. The source of the noise was soon revealed as the monster that Tamara and Brittany had long ago dubbed 'George.'
The beat turned out to be more than rhythm; it was music. George's lights flashed in time to the music. What was more, Tamara and Brittany actually recognized the song.
"It's the Imperial Death March!" Brittany cheered.
Tamara frowned. "So…George is a giant boombox?"
Ben snarled. "First of all, he is a she, and her name's not George! It's Betty!"
Tamara scowled. "He got a sex change!"
While this exchange was happening, Widmore's men had recovered themselves, and they started shooting.
'Harry' vaporized two M-16s with his laser glasses. 'Cedric' began tossing his coin into Widmore's men's necks. Apparently, his coin was also a boomerang. 'Rosemerta' blew up a house with her grenade launcher. The other partiers joined in, too.
Tamara and Brittany grinned at each other, eagerly jumping into the fray, swinging their lightsabers about expertly.
Ben swung his ninja baton and Desmond wielded a heavy, deadly gun.
Daniel was bopping people on the head with his notebook. Charlotte was using her gun, but she wasn't using it. When Juliet, after successfully completing a roundhouse kick mouthed 'What are you doing?' Charlotte mouthed 'No bullets.'
Walt had a backgammon box open and was chucking the pieces at his opponents.
No matter how hard the islanders fought, Widmore's men kept coming, and George kept pumping out the Imperial Death March. However, Jack pointed out, it could've been worse.
"How?!" Sawyer demanded pessimistically.
"It could be raining!" Jack told him. Magic words as, at that very moment, it started to rain. Everyone was soaked in seconds. Tracy, Jack's new girlfriend, glared at him.
Tamara and Brittany were fighting back to back. They had just dispatched their enemies when a man flipped over to them. He had long, straggly black hair, a long sword, and, best of all, a tattered red cloak that was blowing dramatically in the fierce wind. In a deep, husky, manly voice, he said, "Where can I buy a phone?" And then he was gone.
Tamara and Brittany stared at each other, but before they could comment, they were attacked again. Shrugging to themselves, they turned away and continued slashing their lightsabers about.
Ben took out a large knife and began slashing throats. "I will have vengeance!" he cried.
'Ginny's' whip-veil wrapped itself around some guy's neck and broke it.
As the Imperial Death March reached the climax for the thirtieth time, a figure stepped out of the gloom. It was Widmore, and he had a long, dark cape that flowed behind him dramatically. Everyone on the field froze.
He smirked. From a ring on his middle finger, he shot a bolt of electricity at a house.
Tamara's mouth dropped open. "You are kidding me!"
"Lightsabers, the Imperial Death March, and now Emperor Palpatine?!" Brittany, too, was incredulous.
Juliet, meanwhile, was staring at the now burning house. "Hang on, wasn't Kate passed out drunk in there?"
Charlotte shrugged. "Does it matter?"
"Nah, guess not." The fighting continued. Every so often, they heard Widmore's "heh heh heh" as they fought.
Ben fought to reach Widmore, but Wilbur got there first. "Mr. Widmore!" Widmore looked at him.
To everybody's confusion, he suddenly embraced Widmore tightly. Nobody saw him pull the cord but Desmond (he was in the army after all). Desmond instantly pushed Tamara to the ground as Widmore and Wilbur blew up.
When the ground stopped shaking, everyone looked at the blackened grass.
"My slave…killed…himself," Brittany mumbled.
"He couldn't handle Waldo's death," Ben explained.
"How very Romeo and Juliet of him," Tamara murmured. "Sorry, Juliet," she added to Juliet Burke.
"That's alright," Juliet said amiably.
Miles sniffed the air. "Hey, I smell burning flesh." Everyone looked at the house where Kate was dying less dramatically than Mrs. Lovett.
"Hey, you know, somebody should really put that out," Claire said.
"It's too late for her, honey," Rose said.
"No, I meant, before the fire spreads to the other houses."
"Oh."
And so they began the rebuilding of the Dharma community.
Right, a few notes. The pajama party people are from the film Singin' in the Rain. There's a massive dance montage in it, and one time, Brittany and I came up with a huge story revolving around Harry Potter and pajama parties. The "Where can I buy a phone?" guy is also someone. It's Vincent from Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children. During some battle, Vincent randomly appears, goes, "Where can I buy a phone?" then goes off screen. It's weird. Widmore's weird laugh is a take off of Lego Star Wars. When you fight Emperor Palpatine (or even when you're just walking around the Cantina with him) he will often randomly go "heh heh heh."
Right, just an Epilogue left, and then I'll begin posting the oneshots that go with this story. They'll be in a different fic, and, unlike this fic, that story will be rated M.