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Chapter 23

Rachel was having a moral dilemma trying to decide what she should do. She could of course pretend that the whole thing was just a joke and Quinn had taken it the wrong way. She could claim to have been taken over by a parasitic alien for a brief period, or she could tell the truth. Maybe not the entire truth but at least some sort of truth was important; the blonde was much too astute to fall for the alien thing.

As she debated what to do, her phone buzzed and she glanced down at the incoming message.

Quinn: Can we talk?

Rachel: Of course. Should I come over?

Quinn: well I could come to you but it might take a while to climb the stairs ;-)

Rachel: that's not very PC

Quinn: pur-lease

Rachel knocked on the door and it opened automatically after a few seconds. She grinned to herself and walked in.

"Hi Rachel, go on through. How do you like the new door gizmo?" Dwight was up to his elbows in dish water as Mary was sorting a mountain of laundry. Four kids was hard enough work but one with Quinn's condition was exhausting and never ending. Rachel hadn't thought about it like that until now. Quinn's parents didn't get a rest at all.

"Tell Quinn I'll be in with her meds after I sort this lot out." Mary gave her a smile which suggested she knew nothing of the events from earlier.

"I can give them to her if you like," Rachel suggested.

"Thanks, that's good of you. We're running behind today because I had to take the twins to get their eyes tested, the little ones that is."

Mary went to the cabinet and revealed the mass of drugs that Quinn was forced to take for her condition. It was a scary thought that all of them were somehow necessary to keep her alive and well. Mary started to pop open a number of them, checking each dose twice to make sure against the list on the back of the cabinet door.

"Make sure she takes these first with some water then eat the cookie before taking the red ones." Mary had them organised in a few moments and placed cookies on a plate. "She always protests about the cookie, but she can't have those on an empty stomach. There's a few on there so help yourself as well. I just made them earlier and Quinn said you were coming over so they're vegan."

"I can fill her water bottle if it's empty," Rachel reassured Quinn's mom. She picked up the meds and cookies and headed back to Quinn's room. It was thoughtful of her to make vegan-friendly cookies specially so she could have some.

She knocked on the door.

"Quinn, it's me."

The door buzzed and then opened automatically.

Rachel felt the emotion bubble up in her throat. "Can I come in?"

Quinn was in bed. She shook the earphones out of her ears. "Of course," she gave Rachel a nervous smile.

"Your mom sent me in with meds." Rachel placed the cookies and meds on the table beside the bed.

Quinn nodded. "She's been chasing around all day." She puffed air from her lips to get a loose strand of hair from her eyes.

Rachel reached out to tuck it aside for her but Quinn jerked her head away.

"Sorry… I," the brunette looked hurt and confused. "What did I…..?"

"I'm okay, you don't need to baby me. I can ask for help if I need it."

"I know that, but you… you don't usually complain at me if I try to help. I just want to make things easier for you."

Quinn sighed. "I know you don't mean to upset me, Rach." She fell quiet for a moment. "I have run out of water. Would you mind filling the bottle for me? Please?"

Rachel shook her head and went to fill it. She returned a few minutes later and found Quinn chewing the inside of her mouth.

"Sorry I was short with you just now."

"It's okay, I deserve it after what I did." Quinn started to disagree but Rachel wouldn't let her. "No, let me apologize please. I wasn't really thinking straight and it was a mistake. You know how I get all dramatic and carried away in the moment. I didn't stop and consider how you would feel and for that I'm really sorry." She held out the cup with the first round of meds in them for Quinn to swallow. "How do you manage so many at once?" She asked briefly distracted.

"Takes too long one at a time," Quinn shrugged and swallowed three pills in one gulp. She nodded at Rachel for the water and the brunette held the bottle out to her.

Quinn took a sip and swallowed, then another.

"You weren't expecting me to kiss you and I just wasn't thinking about anything at that moment. It was really inconsiderate and I didn't understand that my holding your head would make you feel so trapped. I'm so very sorry, really and if you hate me and don't want to be my friend anymore I understand fully. In your circumstances I would probably feel very antagonistic towards…."

"Rach!" Quinn rolled her eyes. "Jeez, pause for breath maybe."

"Sorry, I…" the brunette stopped mid-sentence as Quinn's head dropped and her tongue fell out. "Oh my …." Rachel jumped up and went to lift Quinn's head but she suddenly beat her to it and started laughing.

"Your face was so funny right then," the blonde's shoulders were juggling up and down. "You totally thought I was having a stroke or something."

"Quinn, what are trying to do to me? I thought there was something seriously wrong with you for a moment."

"You wouldn't shut up; what was I supposed to do?"

Rachel scowled at her.

"Oh come on! It was only for a moment." Quinn rolled her eyes again. "I'm sorry I scared you. I just wanted you to shut up for a moment and let me explain."

"Santana already came to see me," Rachel sat back down and picked at her skirt hem.

"She did?"

"Yeah, I mean I knew already that I upset you, but she kind of told me how I made you feel and I just felt so bad." There were a few tears coursing over the tan cheeks.

"Rach, don't go all mushy on me. I mean really, I would have been flattered but … why is this so hard? I freaked because I wasn't expecting it and because I couldn't move, but mostly because I didn't realize you liked girls. I mean anyone can see that Kurt and Santana are gay, but I didn't know you were. I thought you liked boys.…"

"I do," Rachel interrupted. "I'm not gay, at least I don't think I am. That was what I was trying to say to you. I don't know what came over me. Just my artistic temperament maybe, caught up in the moment. Do you think we can just laugh about it and put it behind us? Maybe never mention it in public and promise Santana endless breadsticks in Breadstix so she keeps it to herself?"

Quinn just laughed. "Really? That's what this was? Just a rush of blood to the head?"

"Yes, not that I don't think you are unattractive or unworthy in any way, just that it was unplanned and uncalled for and I promise not to let it happen again."

Quinn nodded with a huge sigh of relief. "Thank goodness, I was worried for a while what it all meant. I guess we are teenagers and that sort of thing happens, but not to someone like me."

"Because you like boys too right?" Rachel asked the question as if it was rhetorical but she actually wanted to know what Quinn thought about herself.

"Yeah, sure. I mean I used to like them anyway."

"You don't like them anymore?"

"I do, just, what's the point now?"

Rachel didn't understand. "You don't know the reason for liking someone?"

"No, I just mean there's no point in me liking anyone now."

"Why not?"

Quinn blew air between her teeth in a dismissive fashion. "You've been talking to Santana about me."

Rachel shrugged. She wasn't going to lie about it. "She thinks you feel unworthy of anyone's affection, in a romantic sense at least, because of your injury."

Another shrug of the narrow shoulders suggested it was obvious.

Rachel was thoughtful before she answered. "I know that you might not see it that way yet, but you never know what the future holds."

"Rachel, you are about to feed me a cookie so I can take my meds because my mom is exhausted from spending more time taking care of me than she does my three-year old siblings. I can't do anything hardly for myself and I never will be able to. Let's stop pretending that just because I smile and laugh and say something funny that I'm normal. I am not normal anymore and I'm not going to be ever. I am going to need someone to take care of me most of the day, every day for the rest of my life. I'm not going to have a normal life. I can't just go where I want, when I want. I don't have freedom of choice like you to find 'the one' and settle down, have kids and a nice house with a good job. I am probably going to be living with my mom and dad like an overgrown baby until I die. That's why there's no point in liking anyone." The blonde wasn't so much angry as resigned. "I'm sorry if that upset you," she added as Rachel shook her head and sniffed; tears continuing to run. "It's just how it is and there's nothing anyone can do about it."

"No," Rachel shook her head. "I know that physically you need a lot of help with things, but it doesn't have to be your parents doing that, or even here in Lima forever. You can't let this stop you from doing what you want in life. You have to be able to go where you want, even if it means a lot of planning and working it out. You don't have to get stuck here for the rest of your life if you don't want."

Quinn frowned as if she was going to argue.

"Don't look at me like I'm crazy. You thought you wouldn't be able to breathe without the machine or move your head and you can. You can control most of this house with a few taps of that mouthstick. You didn't think you would be able to sing or write, let alone paint, but you learned how. There are all sorts of things you can do, you just don't know it yet, so don't dismiss the idea that you might get to leave here and go off to college or that you might fall in love and have a proper relationship. Just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean it can never happen."

Rachel stopped talking then. She understood Quinn's fears but she figured the truth was always the best approach. The blonde listened and remained thoughtful for a few moments. At least she didn't suggest Rachel was being ridiculous.

Eventually, Quinn jutted out her chin towards the cookie. "Hungry?"

Rachel shook her head and smiled. "Here, eat this and then you can take the rest of your meds." She lifted it to Quinn's mouth. The blonde bit into it; Rachel's hand underneath her chin caught the crumbs.

"Your mom said she thought you wouldn't want to eat anything."

Quinn shrugged and chewed. After swallowing she nodded back at the plate. "She made them when I told her you were coming over. Peanut butter and banana. Have one."

Rachel complied and made noises suggesting it was good.

"That shut you up finally!" Quinn chuckled and though she tried not to, to avoid spluttering crumbs everywhere, Rachel joined in, covering her mouth with a hand to avoid showering Quinn with remnants of cookie.

—

Quinn showed Rachel her latest picture and it drew tears from the brunette. The portrait of her singing was done from scratch this time, rather than copying it from a photo.

As Rachel got all emotional about it, Quinn shrugged modestly. "It was something I wanted to try. You can keep it if you like it as a thank you for the singing lessons."

"I love it, thank you so much. You are really talented, Quinn."

"I'm not really, I'm just good at copying stuff."

"Your modesty is unfounded. I wish I was able to paint."

"Anyone can paint, you just practice. It's what you said to me about singing."

Rachel made a dismissive sound. "I'm trying to be nice to you."

"Oh, I see. You have to try to be nice, it doesn't come naturally then?"

Rachel's eyes narrowed. "You know, I can tell when you are making fun of me."

Quinn's face fell. "I didn't mean it like that, Rach."

Rachel's face broke into a grin. "Got you!"

"Oh no, you didn't," Quinn pouted and then broke into a giggle. She was relieved that they were back to being themselves again. Rachel being sincere and Quinn poking fun at her in a nice way, Rachel occasionally getting her own back. It was good to just be back on solid ground as friends.

That said, there was something about the kiss that lingered for both of them; it just went unsaid for the time being.

—

Later that day, Quinn had a message from Santana to say she was on her way over. The Latina was in the habit of calling round to see her when Brit was at motocross practice and Rachel had some sort of class in the evening.

She thought the door opening gizmo was a work of genius. "Oh my God!" she stood and stared at it as the door closed and Quinn waved the mouthstick in greeting as it closed on its own behind her friend. Dropping the stick Quinn grinned at her.

"Gotta love technology," her eyes went wide.

"That's so cool." Santana looked around. "You on your own?"

The blonde head shook. "No everyone is out in the back yard, dad barbecued for dinner. As if they would dare to leave me home alone." She rolled her eyes. "We can go out if you want."

The Latina shrugged. "Whatever you want to do."

"Do you want something to drink?"

"Don't tell me you have a gizmo to do that as well now," Santana grinned and finally greeted the other girl properly with a hug and a squeeze of her hand.

"On my gosh, San. You really are completely politically incorrect." Quinn laughed and rolled into the huge kitchen.

"So? You love it. Don't pretend to be all offended and shit. You would much rather I keep it real instead of being all afraid to say anything offensive. Besides I am offensive to everyone equally; I don't discriminate."

They both chuckled at the truth of the statement. Santana went to the fridge.

"What have you got?"

"Mostly healthy stuff and definitely no beer."

"Spoilsport!" She rummaged around and found some diet soda. "You want to share this with me?"

Quinn nodded. "There's ice in the freezer and beakers in the cabinet." Santana followed her friend's gaze and opened a door, but found it full of medicines. "Next one," Quinn redirected her.

Santana nodded thoughtfully and moved onto the correct one.

"They all yours?"

Quinn knew she was talking about the drugs in the first one.

"Yep," she nodded. "I'm a total druggie these days. We have to keep them up there so the little ones don't get their hands on them."

Santana shook her head. "I hate that you have to put up with all this crap just for one stupid fall." She didn't make eye contact but concentrated on pouring their drinks.

"You are a pretty good actress you know."

Santana turned and looked slightly perplexed. "What do you mean?"

"Just that one moment, you pretend to be hard and maybe even a bit cruel the way you speak, then you say something nice when the guard drops."

Santana waved dismissively.

"It's true. It's like you pretend to hate Rachel, but then you took the time to go over and see her to help out because really, you kind of like her. I can tell."

"Shut up! She's annoying like ninety-nine percent of the time and I mostly want to stuff socks in her mouth when she talks at me."

"But you were worried about her," Quinn was determined to tease the truth from her friend.

The Latina rolled her eyes. "I was worried about you."

"I know, but you were worried about her too. I know the truth Ms Lopez, the same way I know you're gay and don't want to admit that either. Not openly anyway."

Santana looked angry for a moment and slammed Quinn's glass down in front of her.

"I told you I wasn't ready for labels," she growled.

"I'm not labelling you. I'm just letting you know that I know and it's okay. You're afraid to admit it to yourself firstly and everyone else, but if other people know, why not admit it to yourself at least?"

"You can't lecture me on this because you're in denial too."

Quinn flushed. "That was Rachel not me. I didn't know she was going to kiss me."

"I don't mean about that. I mean about life in general. You put on a good show for everyone, being funny and stuff but you don't tell everyone that you used to play piano and sing in the choir? What's up with that? You should be pissed about that stuff and you never said a word. Don't talk to me about denial until you can admit stuff like that."

Santana had a point.

Quinn chewed her lip thoughtfully. "There are lots of things I miss and a whole heap of things I'm worried about."

"Like what?"

"I miss running. You know like when you just take off and go and keep going until your chest is burning? I miss that a lot. And dancing. Letting go to the music, feeling free and alive. It's hard to watch other people do it because I really want to be able to join in. I imagine what it's like to play the piano still, I remember everything I used to do to play but…." she shrugged in resignation, "my hands just lie there and nothing happens." She made eye contact with the Latina, which might have been a mistake. The emotion rose from her gut to her throat and it tightened. "I feel trapped and betrayed by my own body still. They said in rehab that I'll forget eventually, you know about what it was like, but I can still remember now and it kills me a little to think about it."

Santana's eyes were glazed over. "What are you scared about?"

"Everything!" It was an honest admission. "I had everything planned out for myself. I was going to go to college. Somewhere Ivy League, probably east coast and study something romantic like poetry or art and meet a nice guy from a good family. We would have this great life, settle somewhere nice and have a couple of kids. He would make lots of money and I would be successful in something creative. I can still imagine it happening like in one of mom's books."

Santana looked at Quinn. "Your mom likes sappy romance novels?" She hadn't thought Mary was the type.

"No, she writes them. Though if you call three of the top ten best selling fiction novels of the last ten years sappy, she'll probably throw a hard-back version at your head."

"Wait a minute. That's where all the money comes from? Your mom's a writer? Like a proper writer?"

"Yeah, she's actually amazing."

"I knew something was going on. My dad's a doctor and I know how expensive medical bills are. When you were in the hospital so long I figured you guys must be really well off because you said not to argue with your mom about money for the movies. The way you said it, it seemed like it was no object."

Quinn nodded. "It's not really. I mean the insurance company paid most of the medical bills, eventually and dad said something about lawyers making a claim for the accident anyway. I guess the school has insurance." She shrugged again. "Mom's books paid for our old house and then I guess this one too. Dad's job is good, but not this good." She glanced around. "She's made a lot of things available."

"The fancy gizmos?"

Quinn nodded. "Yeah and the other equipment we would have been fighting the insurance company over for years."

"I'm glad, but going back to what you were saying before about the future. I think you need to stop thinking like you can't have that stuff anymore."

Quinn moved her head dismissively. "It was just a stupid juvenile pipe dream. Life doesn't really happen like that anyway."

"Maybe not the way you imagined it, but that doesn't mean you can't have an amazing life and that could be with someone you love."

Quinn shook her head. "Can we drop it now? I was honest with you at least, which is more than you are being with me."

Santana's eyes narrowed. "I'm not lying about anything. I'm not sure what I am still. I love Brit but I'm not sure that it's because she's a girl or because I love who she is."

"But, forgive me for saying this, I heard you slept with some of the boys in school. Do you want to go out with any of them anymore? My brother seriously has the hots for you but you don't seem interested. No offence, but Sam could pretty much have whoever he wants, football player, Cheerio, good looking and he's a nice guy, when he isn't threatening to punch something," she rolled her eyes.

"I admit Trouty Mouth is cute," she used his nickname. "But he's too much like Bieber."

Quinn started laughing. "I warned him about the hair."

Santana grinned. "I sort of think you're right about me, but if it got out at school, my rep would sink like concrete, especially now I'm in Glee. I think sleeping around was maybe me trying to prove to myself that I was normal when I knew I felt about girls what I should be feeling about boys."

"Should be?"

"I'm Catholic Quinn. Apparently the way I feel is a sin."

"And you think that because….?"

"Er, it's kind of in the rules."

"But what about how you feel? Do you feel like it's a sin to love Brittany?"

The Latina didn't answer straight away and eventually shook her head. "It feels like the only normal thing in my life."

"Then stop lying to yourself and just admit that you are gay. The people who really care about you won't mind."

"But how can you know that? I haven't said anything to my parents or my abuela. They're kind of traditional."

"Tell them when you're ready, but don't keep denying it to those of us who already know."

Santana looked into her glass and then took a drink.

"Oh, shit! I forgot. Where do you keep straws?" She nodded at Quinn's untouched glass.

"The same cabinet as the meds, top shelf."

The Latina collected one and put it in the glass before holding it up for Quinn to take a sip. Leaning her elbow on the back of the chair, Santana didn't move away after the blonde had taken a drink and released the straw.

"You're pretty good at this, you know."

"Drinking?" The blonde turned her head awkwardly to look up at her friend with a bemused expression.

"Pfff," Santana made a dismissive sound and nudged Quinn's shoulder in protest. "Getting me to admit stuff. I don't know how you do it. It's like you wormed your way into my brain the first time we met."

Quinn smiled. "Thanks, I guess. Glad I'm useful for something at least."

"You should maybe become a shrink, you'd be awesome at it."

Quinn smiled and shook her head but her nose wrinkled in thought afterwards. It was an idea at least; it wasn't a job requiring arms and legs that worked. Maybe she should think about it.

"Do me a favor though?" Santana looked serious for a moment. "Please don't say anything about this. I can't have this getting to my parents accidentally. I need to think about how I'm going to tell them and not until I'm sure about how I feel."

"I won't say anything, Santana; I'm not a gossip and it's your decision to tell people something like this. But just so you know, you need to be more discreet if you don't want it getting out. I try to put Sam off flirting with you all the time, but he's going to get suspicious and so will everyone else."

TBC