Home by Elaura
Author's Notes:
Insert standard disclaimer here. :)
When I glanced back into the chest at my pack and water skin, I got a funny feeling. The kind of feeling you get when you think you might need something but can't figure out why. Whenever I get that feeling and don't listen to it, I always regret it. So I grabbed them; this time I slung the skin over my head so that it rested on my left.
"Ok, NOW I'm ready."
"Are you going on a long journey? I thought you were going to see the dwarves," Legolas laughed.
"I always listen to my inner voices Legolas, and today they are telling me to bring these."
"But your pack is empty."
"For now," I replied and smiled.
He was leaning with his back against the closed door, holding something behind him, grinning.
"What? Did I forget something?"
He nodded and his eyes twinkled mischievously.
"Well, spit it out," I said and cocked my head to the side.
He brought the silver handled brush out from behind his back and laughed. I went over to the mirror and saw that my hair was quite a mess. It had pulled out of yesterday's braids and was looking wild. I rolled my eyes and turned to him, giggling.
"You were NOT going to let me go out like this."
"Of course not, meleth."
I took off my pack and put it on the bed then sat in the desk chair in front of him.
Without a word, he took out the braids and brushed my hair and re-braided it, one on each side meeting a long plait in the back.
When he finished, he set the brush on the desk.
"Thank you," I said and stood and picked up my pack again.
"You are welcome."
"Shall we go?"
He turned and led the way back to the front steps. I wondered if he was going to go all the way to the dwarf cottages with me. We turned right and walked at a leisurely pace along the path towards the pub.
The sky over the valley was clear blue and the air was crisp with the promise of winter. I noticed many things I hadn't seen before. There were purple and white flowering vines winding up the trees lining the path and bees still flitted from bloom to bloom. A little chameleon scurried across the path a few feet in front of us. Birds sang in the canopy above.
When we reached the clearing, he spoke, "Master Gimli has seen our approach; he is waiting for you. I will speak to Glorfindel about your weapons and meet you at the training grounds."
"Ok, see you there."
He leaned toward me, placed his hands over my ears and kissed my forehead. He then went back down the path and I turned toward the pub. Gimli was waiting for me on the porch.
"Good morning lassie! You are looking well."
"I feel pretty good, too." I lifted my hand to show him the bandages were gone. "You said you wanted to take some measurements?"
"Aye, lassie. Come with me to my workshop."
I followed him to a cottage nearby. It looked more like an efficiency apartment converted into a smithy. There were hammers of every size lining the walls and an anvil in front of the fireplace. He led me to a long table that came just higher than his waist and was a little higher than my knees.
He picked up a contraption that looked like a metal embroidery hoop with a sturdy, five-inch long, three-inch wide, curved piece of metal attached. It had springs with five finger-sized loops dangling toward the center. "First things first. This is to strengthen your left hand."
I held out my left hand and he strapped the curved metal piece to my forearm and put the loops around the first joint of each of my fingers and thumb. "The tension of the springs can be adjusted." He showed me the butterfly nuts along the outer edge of the hoop.
I flexed my fingers all together and then one by one. It worked surprisingly well, although when I tried to flex each finger separately, they all wanted to move together.
"Practice just one at a time, holding the other fingers straight. It will help your dexterity."
"It looks like a torture device, but I think it'll be great, thanks!"
He un-strapped it and I put it in my pack. Then he picked up a small, egg-shaped ball made of leather. "This is for your right hand. Don't squeeze it, I wouldn'a want you to reopen the wound. Just hold it so I can check the size."
It fit perfectly in my narrow palm and I could manipulate it fairly well with my thumb and index finger. "Feels good to me Gimli, thank you."
"Good, now let me take some measurements and I'll take you around to say your farewells."
I dropped the ball into my pack and held my right hand as flat as I could on the table. Gimli traced around it with a piece of charcoal and then used a knotted string to get the length and circumference of my remaining digits.
"What have you got in mind, Gimli? Can I see your designs?"
"No, lassie. It is a surprise. But when it is finished, you should be able to hold your axe without the fear of losing control. Will you continue to wear that glove after it is healed?"
"Yes, I think so. It's really comfortable and I think it looks cool."
"'Cool'? The holes should provide ventilation . . ."
I giggled, "Um, yep." I decided to let it go.
"Come, then. My father is anxious to return home and report to Dáin."
He led me back out of his "workshop" and to the pub. We entered and nearly all the dwarves had their packs and gear laid out, ready to depart. One particular female was conspicuously absent.
Gloin approached me and bowed deeply, "My lady, it is with great fondness that I bid you farewell."
"At your service and your family's Master Gloin," I replied with an equally deep bow. "It is truly my honor to have met you."
Gloin grinned, "Such a fine, courteous lady. Do not let these elves mold you to their ways! You will always be welcome in my home and in the homes of my kin. His majesty, Dáin, King Under the Mountain has granted me the authority to bind his kingdom in friendship to those I deem worthy. I extend this friendship to you; as well as my heartfelt apology for the injury done to you."
"You needn't apologize for the actions of another, but I accept your offer of friendship and it is my dear wish that I will meet you again."
"I have something for you, my lady." He turned and motioned for Gimli's nephew to bring him a small box that was on a table nearby.
He presented the box to me and I opened it. Inside was a gold signet ring with a single Dwarvish rune. I was dumbfounded.
"Wear this ring and all Dwarves will recognize you to be a friend of King Dáin."
I took it out and put it on my right index finger; it fit perfectly over the leather sleeve. "Thank you, Master Gloin. I will wear it with honor." My voice cracked as tears welled up in my eyes. I leaned down and hugged him, much to his surprise. Much to my surprise, he embraced me firmly and when he let go I stood up straight. I remembered an old Irish blessing my mother taught me and felt it would be appropriate:
"May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
May the rain fall soft upon your fields,
Until we meet again,
May Aulë hold you in the palm of His hand."
I turned to Gimli's nephew and offered him my left hand. He grasped my forearm and chucked me on the right shoulder. Then I turned to Gimli, "I'll let you say your farewells in private, Gimli. I'm going to the training grounds," then to the rest of the dwarves, "Goodbye, my friends." I left the pub and headed back towards the house, sniffling.
As I was walking, I saw a flash of white out of the corner of my eye. Soon, Macavity was walking along the path next to me. "Good morning, Macavity."
He didn't acknowledge my greeting but walked with me all the way to the training grounds. When we arrived, he left me at the edge of the clearing and climbed the trunk of a near tree.
The grounds were not as full as they had been the day before. Glorfindel was there with his troop of elflings and several elves were sparring. There was no sign of the hobbits and there were no men in the glade either. I spotted Legolas with his bow on the other side of the field and went over to him.
He slung his bow over his shoulder and reached for my hand. "That is a lovely ring," he said looking at it.
"Yes, Gloin gave it to me. He said that any dwarf I meet will recognize it and know that I am a friend of King Dáin."
"That is an honor, is it not?"
"I certainly think it is. I guess it's like being named 'Dwarf-friend."
Glorfindel joined us. "Would you like to collect your weapons, Elaura?"
"Oh yes. Are they back in the barn?"
"They are being stored with the others, yes. Come."
We followed Glorfindel to the weapons barn and he unlocked the door. I let my eyes adjust to the dim light and saw that the dummy I had annihilated had been completely cleaned up except for a light coating of sand on the dirt floor.
Legolas was admiring the bows hung on the walls and Glorfindel collected my axe and hatchets. "Can we adjust the harness so that I can reach the axe with my left hand, Glorfindel?"
"Of course." I slipped off my pack and he helped me put on the harness and re-adjust it so that I could grab the axe just under the head with my left hand. I wasn't quite strong enough to pull it out. I grumbled. "I'll need the training axe again. I can't practice with the full weight of the real one yet. I guess I'll have to start all over."
"Do not be discouraged mellon nín," he said as he went to the stack of training weapons and pulled out a wooden axe, setting it against a nearby table. "In the end, you will be a better fighter having the ability to use both hands equally well."
I looked at my right hand, "'Equally well'? Right now they both feel equally useless."
Glorfindel handed me my hatchets and I slipped them into the belt without too much difficulty.
"One must crawl before one can walk. Let us find you a sword."
I glanced at Legolas; he wore an expression that was an odd mixture of reverence, awe and a kid in a candy store.
Glorfindel and I stepped up to a table that was laden with short to medium length blades. He picked up one with a leather wrapped hilt that looked to be a little less than three feet long. It was slender and the blade glinted pure silver and was engraved with Elvish runes. He put it in my left hand.
"Swing it, how does it feel?"
I swung it awkwardly from left to right. "The sword feels good, but it's weird holding it in my left hand. I'm sure it'll get more comfortable with practice, though."
"Yes. May I attach the sheath to your belt?"
"Please."
Glorfindel attached the sheath to my belt on the right side so that I could reach across comfortably and grasp the hilt. I stood back, wishing I had a mirror. I may not be the most dangerous warrior in Middle Earth, but I'll bet I look pretty scary. "Thank you, Glorfindel."
Legolas turned to look at me. He cocked his head and furrowed his brow.
"What is it? What's wrong?" I asked.
Glorfindel seemed to read his expression and stepped a respectable distance away as Legolas walked toward me. "Meleth, I am torn. I greatly desire your safety and for you to be able to defend yourself . . ."
"But?"
"But I would do anything in my power to prevent you from ever having to use those weapons." He assessed me with his eyes, from the head of my axe down to the tip of my sword. "I would see you in gold and jewels rather than such deadly adornments."
"Ah, then where would the warrior you fell in love with go?"
He sighed and smiled, "You are correct, I do not wish for you to change; however, when these days of dread are passed, would you grant me the honor of becoming better acquainted with your more gentle qualities?"
"You mean you want me to try being a girl sometimes?"
He grinned, "Occasionally."
"It's a deal, my sweet. You supply the gold and jewels and I promise I'll wear them."
Legolas picked up the wooden axe and I picked up my pack and we walked back toward the door. Glorfindel locked it behind us and led the way back to the glade.
I looked at the sky and the sun was directly overhead. "Thank you very much, Glorfindel. I'd love to get in a little practice after lunch. Will you have time?"
"I will be here, mellon nín."
I nodded and realized I hadn't packed any food. "Legolas, are you hungry?"
"No, but I would gladly accompany you to the kitchens. It would be ill advised for you to miss any meals until you are stronger."
On the way to the kitchens we stopped at my room; I dropped my pack on the chest and Legolas set the wooden axe against the fireplace. He helped me take off the harness and set it against the fireplace as well. We proceeded to the kitchens where I made sandwiches and filled my water skin. We found a nice spot in the sunshine and sat in the grass.
Legolas lay back in the grass and stared at the sky while I ate. "Do you see anything in the clouds?" I asked between bites.
"Mmm?"
"Shapes, you know like animals, in the fluffy clouds?"
"Yes, there is a swan," he said and pointed to a cluster of cotton balls over our heads.
"Oh, I see it," I said as I leaned back and nearly fell over. I tried to catch myself and remembered at the last second not to use my right hand so the sandwich in my left hand went flying. Quick as a wink, Macavity jumped out of a nearby tree and scarpered with the meat.
Legolas was laughing freely by this time. Since I wasn't ready to start another sandwich, I lay back and watched the clouds float by. Legolas patted his thigh in that pan-reality gesture that
means: "Don't lay in the grass silly, put your head here," so I scooted over and rested my head on his thigh.
I don't know exactly how long we lay like that because I drifted off to sleep. When I opened my eyes, we were still in the grass, but he was sitting up with his legs stretched out in front of him with my head in his lap. I was surprised I never felt him move. He was leaning back on his hands, watching me.
"How long have you been watching me sleep, meleth nín?"
"Long enough to see you dream. Do you remember it? Your brow was creased and you sounded worried."
"No, I don't remember the dream, but I do remember feeling like I was being followed."
"Perhaps you were, that cat always seems to be near you."
"I think he has taken me to be his pet human," I grinned up at Legolas.
He moved a stray wisp of hair away from my eyes with his fingers. "There was something you wished to discuss."
I thought for a moment and remembered the awkward question I asked that morning in my room. "Um, only if you feel comfortable with the subject."
"Matters of the flesh should not be ignored between two hearts that wish to become one. Especially not if the hearts belong to beings as different as we."
"Do you suppose Arwen and Aragorn have discussed such matters? They have known each other for some 70 years and are not yet wed."
"That is their own business meleth, should we not leave it to them?"
I felt like I'd just been gently scolded, it stung a tiny bit and reminded me that I was not speaking to someone of my own age, race or time. I sighed.
"Regardless, I do not have 70 years to wait and if I did I wouldn't want to. I am a hasty creature and patience is not one of my strongest virtues."
"Do you not wish to wait the year you asked?"
I could detect no recognizable emotion in his voice, neither hope nor doubt. "I am torn, Legolas (to use your words). My heart and body have made up their minds; I want you for the rest of my days. Sometimes I can barely keep from throwing myself at you, especially when we touch."
"However?"
"However, my brain tells me that being wedded to you in body and soul is selfish. One reason of course is that you have great trials ahead of you and I should not be a part of that . . ."
"The other reason?" he interrupted. I still could not read him.
"The other reason is that, well, I don't feel worthy of you. Because you are an Eldar, because you are a prince and because your internal and external beauty is beyond my reach. I really don't know if I'm explaining this well, but I feel as if I've been given a gift beyond my wildest dreams by mistake and if I accept it as my own, someone will figure it out and snatch it away."
He watched me in silence. Suddenly it occurred to me that I had finally talked him out of the crazy idea that he loved me and I felt my heart break. I held my breath.
"You are afraid."
It was the truth. I nodded, left mute by the simplicity of it and his ability to lay my heart bare with three words.
"Such is the way of love; we both risk much. You see clearly what is at stake for me, but you hide from yourself what you fear to lose." I looked at him puzzled. "You have protected your heart for so long, perhaps you have forgotten why."
I considered my past. I'd always been willing to sacrifice; my freedom, my body, but never my heart . . . why? I was relieved when I had the miscarriage, relieved when my marriage broke up, relieved when my father and my grandmother died. Why? As soon as my mother became ill, I began to toughen myself. I wore the mask of compassion and tender care, but sealed my heart away again.
"I am selfish, Legolas. I've never given my heart to anyone, not completely. I pretended very well of course, had many relationships with people who believed I loved them, but I never really did."
"Alas, my heart weeps for the pain you must have endured to have locked such a precious gift away from the world."
"That's just it, Legolas. I don't remember any true pain, but I know that I have always lived with the fear of it. I've always learned primarily by watching others; I saw others have their hearts ripped to shreds by disease and death and I somehow found a way to keep it from happening to me."
"Then what you have already missed is worse than anything you could possibly lose now."
I couldn't look at him anymore. I felt an intense rage welling up within me. I closed my eyes and fought it back. "Do not fight your anger, Elaura. Not now, not here. You are safe and we are alone."
"You don't understand!" I shouted and raised myself up. "I want to hurt you! I want to rip you limb from limb!"
"You wish to remove the possibility of love and happiness. You wish to destroy your hope, for that is your protection and that is what you feel you deserve. You are more accustomed to suffering and loneliness, they are your security. Real safety and trust are foreign to you."
"Stop it! Stop it!" I twisted around to face him. "I don't want to hear anymore!"
"You do not wish to feel. I will not allow you to lock yourself up again, now that I have breached the walls."
"Just shut up, Legolas!" I pushed him with all the force I could muster, tears of rage and frustration streamed down my cheeks. His body absorbed my efforts and didn't budge. He was looking directly into my eyes.
I felt like I was about to explode. I didn't know whether to jump and run or lay down kicking and screaming. I wanted to hit him, just to wipe that blasted tenderness right off his face. I let go. I leaned my head back and let out an ear-piercing scream. Birds flew off in all directions.
He didn't flinch, he didn't cover his ears.
When I was done, I slumped forward into his arms and cried, gripping his tunic until my hands ached. He held me for a very long time and I cried so hard that at times I couldn't breathe. I held on to him as if my life would slip away if I let go.
Eventually I found myself repeating "I'm sorry" over and over. I didn't know how long I'd been saying it or if I could ever stop.
"We all have much we regret meleth nín, but the time for regret is past for you. You have the chance now to overcome your fears and open your heart to the world. If not to me, then to others. Shield your heart no more; the fear of loss is always worse than the reality of it."
Finally, the tears stopped flowing and I relaxed. My breathing slowed and he began to rock me slightly. My chest felt like it had exploded and when I opened my eyes I expected to find our little haven covered in blood. The world had changed. My vision was sharpened and colors were brighter, as if I had always seen the world through a veil and that veil had finally been lifted.
I looked up into his eyes; they were midnight blue and glassy as if he had been crying with me. He leaned down and kissed me tenderly. I did not float away or sink into oblivion this time. This time I was hyper-aware, aware of the fact that every moment our lips touched I was losing part of myself, I was losing something I would never see or feel again unless he was with me. I was in love and I was lost, but Legolas would always be my home. "Finally," I whispered into his lips, "I am home."
He needed no explanation.