Chapter 24

Need to Let it Go

The following morning at breakfast presented itself with a bit of a conundrum. It started with an abandoned copy of the Daily Prophet lying on the Slytherin table. Lian was halfway through her oatmeal when she actually paid attention to the large picture that basically made the entire front page. Actually it was ten pictures, displaying nine wizards and a witch. Each was captioned with a name and the crime for which the person had been sent to the wizard prison, Azkaban.

Lian read names like Antonin Dolohov, who had murdered the Prewett twins; Augustus Rookwood, who looked bored; but perhaps the most haunting image of all ten was the witch. She glared at Lian's oatmeal like it had something to do with her arrest, arrogant expression made striking by her hooded eyes. She might have been beautiful, in a snobby kind of way, before she'd rotted away in her cell. The name read Bellatrix Lestrange, and she'd been convicted for torturing and incapacitating Frank and Alice Longbottom.

Lian glanced across the hall at Neville before turning back to the paper. The headline read:

MASS BREAKOUT FROM AZKABAN

MINISTRY FEARS BLACK IS "RALLYING POINT"

FOR OLD DEATH EATERS

Black? Sirius? The guy trapped in his mother's house? Yeah, I forgot he said he was heading out to the North Sea to pick up a few psychos and then pop over to the grocery store for some milk. She opened the paper and proceeded to read about the escaped prisoners, tutting to herself. This is why you don't put murderers and dark wizards in prison. She thought sagely, thinking about MACUSA's way of handling criminals. Even if it was a bit harsh, it wasn't as stupid as putting all the dangerous wizards and witches in one place.

A quick glance around the hall told her that not many students read the paper, obviously way more concerned with their homework and friends. The staff table, however, was an entirely different story. Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall were speaking to one another with serious expressions on their faces; while the herbologist, Professor Sprout, had her spoon on pause halfway to her mouth as she read the article. Lian could see bits of porridge dripping off the flatware and fall into the teacher's lap.

Down the table, she spotted Pansy and Daphne arguing over a piece of parchment. Beside them, Millie was arm wrestling with Goyle because she could. Crabbe and Malfoy were talking with (her lungs forgot how to function for a moment) Nott and Zabini, their heads huddled together like a No-Maj football team. Her mind buzzed slightly as she watched the others in her year. It was an unspoken thing, but Lian never needed them to say it at all: even without poking around in their minds-she knew. This particular article was not something she could bring up with her housemates.

She folded her newspaper and shoved it in her bag, before heading early to Transfiguration. As she passed the tables towards the doors, she had the distinct impression that a few pairs of eyes were trained on her.

Transfiguration and Herbology slipped through her fingers like water, and she was so distracted by the time the lunch hour began she didn't even notice that someone was trying to get her attention. Only when a hand came under her nose and clicked its fingers at her did she look around.

"What," she snapped; then, realizing who the hand belonged to, said, "Sorry."

Theo shook his head. "I need to tell you something." They fell back from the rest of their class as they made the trek back up to the castle. "We haven't talked since...you know, detention." he began after a pause.

"Where you demanded answers and I drank a truth serum to console you, I remember." Lian quipped.

"I drank some too," said Theo defensively. "But something about that night has bothered me."

"You're going to have to be a little more specific."

"You didn't ask me any questions."

"I asked a few," she replied feebly.

"You could've asked for my darkest secret and I'd at least have given you a hint but you didn't." he frowned sideways at her. "Your only purpose in that moment was to convince me of who you were...and I can't stop thinking about it."

"Sorry," she repeated.

"Don't be. I want to tell you something about me. Something no one else knows." he took a deep breath as if steeling himself. Lian raised her hand in a placating gesture.

"You really don't have to do that," she began, but he shook his head.

"I enjoy Muggle music." he said stiffly. Lian's head whipped around to face him so quickly she cricked her neck.

"What kind?"

"I- that's it?" he asked incredulously.

"This is important: what kind?" she pressed, actually preventing him from walking into the castle until he answered.

"Just a few…" he mumbled, his neck flushing with color.

"Like?" Lian demanded.

"Derndernaks." he grumbled through his teeth.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Duran Duran and the Kinks." he wouldn't meet her eyes now.

Schooling her face into a neutral expression, knowing she mustn't laughs because the admission was a big deal to him, Lian took a moment to breathe.

"Well...at least you didn't say the Bee Gee's."

Theo looked thoughtful. "Actually-" Lian placed her index finger to his lips.

"Don't ruin it."

They spent their lunch hour seated apart from the rest, swapping band names and songs. Lian was determined that he should listen to 'real music' as soon as possible, but he was very defensive about the ones he liked. She was in the process of describing AC/DC's greatest hits when someone coughed behind her. Looking around and up she saw Warrington standing over her, giving her an odd smile.

"Hi," she said awkwardly.

"Hi. Are you feeling better? I heard you'd been in St. Mungo's over the break." Warrington almost sounded concerned.

"Yeah, I'm fine now, thanks." she answered briskly. She was avoiding addressing him by name on purpose, only she didn't know how long she could keep it up. "Did you want something?"

"Well," Warrington glanced at Theo momentarily before continuing. "Actually, yes, there was something I wanted to ask. Can we talk in private?"

Over my dead- "I've got class in a bit, so if you could just be quick and say whatever it is right now, I would prefer it." Just get it over with.

"Alright then. Will you come to Hogsmeade with me next month?" his voice was steady but his emotions were almost too much for her to bear. Clear your mind...clear his mind, more like, gracious.

Lian pretended to politely consider his offer. Then she turned to nudge Theo. "What day is the Hogsmeade trip?"

"Saturday?"

"I mean the date."

"The 14th of February." Even as he said it, Lian felt slightly nauseous.

"Ah." She turned back to face Warrington, now fully aware of the situation, not that it made a difference. "No."

Warrington stiffened, apparently not anticipating a swift rejection. "Sorry?"

Lian shrugged. "You heard me. Thanks, but no. See you at practice." She stood up, swung her bag over her shoulder and left the great hall. Believing the footsteps pounding in her wake to be Warrington's, she was a bit surprised to find that it was Theo. He didn't say anything as he caught up with her, but Lian detected the trace of a grin on his face. Wrapping her scarf around her neck and tying it, she led the way out into the snow, headed towards Care of Magical Creatures.

Umbridge was there, as usual. She'd taken to lurking around both Hagrid's and Trelawney's classes, causing many of the Slytherins to place bets on who'd get fired first. Lian had spotted Adrian Pucey collecting bids the night before. Personally, she tried to avoid any form of contact with the toady woman, in or out of classes. She'd received three ministry letters over the holidays and was due for a report by the end of the week. Even as she focused as much as possible on Hagrid's feeble lesson, (he'd brought in a Crup, which was basically a Jack-Russell Terrier with a forked tail,and it tried to bite Hermione and Dean,) she could feel Umbridge's beady little eyes making scorch marks into the side of her face.

"Why is she glaring at you?" Daphne whispered under the pretense of petting the Crup. "She's not even criticizing Hagrid. What did you do?"

"I'm sure the way I ate my breakfast isn't in line with Educational Decree number twenty-six." Lian replied loftily. "She'll get over it."

Daphne covered her mouth with her hand, tactfully covering her amused grin. Pansy made her way over to where they stood, completely ignoring whatever Hagrid was saying. "Lian, what did Cassius want with you earlier? I saw him after you left the table and he did not look happy."

Lian had to think for a moment before remembering that 'Cassius' was Warrington's name. "Oh that...nothing worth mentioning."

"I disagree," said Pansy haughtily. "Cough up or I'll interrogate Nott."

"Good luck with that."

"Did he ask you out?" piped up Daphne, and Lian gave her a sharp look, hating that Pansy starting slapping her arm in excitement. "What? He asked me if you had a boyfriend before the holidays-but then of course you had your accident. What did you say?"

Lian shook her head. In the middle of her favorite subject, under the demon's eye surrounded by classmates was not the time to be discussing this topic. "I am not having this discussion right now."

"She shot him down," Theo whispered out of the side of his mouth. "It was brilliant."

"Why?" Pansy demanded. "He's quite handsome."

"Do not make me repeat myself!" Lian snapped, moving away from their huddle and closer to Hagrid, who was explaining why Crups usually got their tails removed at an early age. He kept glancing at Umbridge, who had her clipboard out again.

Lian continued to successfully dodge Pansy and Daphne's desire for 'girl talk' until dinner, where she planted herself between Goyle and Urquhart on the bench. Goyle shot her an ugly, yet confused look, while Urquhart merely handed her the pumpkin juice. She could feel Daphne and Pansy leering at her a few seats down, and for once they completely ignored Malfoy. She could hear him droning on but he paused after ten minutes to say, "Are you even listening to me?"

Crabbe and Millie grunted to signify that they were, and Goyle was a little late in doing the same.

"Pansy, what are you looking at?" Malfoy tried to follow Pansy's line of sight but Lian sat back in an effort to remain ignored. "Urquhart?"

Urquhart glanced around at the group, one eyebrow raised, his mouth full of steak and kidney pie. My hero, thought Lian dully. The dining hour passed in relative contentment, but when she tried to leave the great hall, is when the girls struck. They fired Millie at her, who threw an arm around her shoulders and practically frog-marched her from the hall. Lian spotted Lee Jordan walking up the marble staircase, nursing his hand from a kind of injury on the back. For a moment she saw into his mind, saw his memories of detention with Umbridge, of being handed a strange black quill…

"Alright then," said Millie in a businesslike manner, steering her towards an unused classroom, Daphne and Pansy in their wake. "Let's have out with it."

"You guys, it's not a big deal-" Lian tried to say, but Pansy overrode her.

"Not a big deal my foot! Tell us what happened with Cassius, and don't leave anything out!" they'd found a classroom that looked like it hadn't been used for teaching in a decade. Millie pushed Lian into a chair, while Pansy and Daphne hopped onto the desks, grinning down at her. "Start at the beginning!"

"Lunch?" said Lian in confusion.

"No-when he first started liking you," said Daphne. "Was it during Quidditch practice? Tori told me he watches you fly more than anything."

"I don't know when it started, I only know when I got a heads-up."

"Which was?" prompted Millie.

". . .November. . . after the match," she answered reluctantly.

"And then?"

"And then nothing. Outside of practice he didn't talk to me, and I didn't really care if he did. He asked me to go to Hogsmeade with him at the tail end of lunch, and I told him no. That's it."

"But why did you say no?" asked Daphne, her blue eyes wider than usual.

"Why would I agree?" countered Lian, folding her arms over her chest. "And don't say because he's handsome."

"Well. . . he's a good student, you're a good student. . . Most of the time," supplied Millie after a pause. "He likes Quidditch, you like Quidditch; matches up nicely. . . No pun intended."

"Ha ha. Can I go now?" Lian made to stand up but she was pushed back into the chair by three sets of hands. "What now?"

"Is there someone else you like, then?" Pansy asked, her eyes glinting.

"I like most people. My rejecting Warrington doesn't mean I don't like him-I just don't want to spend Valentine's Day with him."

"That's not what she asked," said Daphne, leaning forward in a conspiratorial way. "Come on…"

Lian recognized their behavior, having witnessed it a few times before. They wouldn't let her go unless she supplied a satisfactory or scandalous answer. But she wasn't ready to give in to their pressure. "I don't want to talk about this anymore. This isn't a friendly chat this is nearly an interrogation." She stood abruptly and moved before Millie could force her back into the chair. "I'll be doing homework in the common room; goodnight."

As she crossed the desks and moved to the door, she picked up on Daphne's whisper. "She doesn't have anymore homework, I watched her finish it during Umbridge's class." Which was true, just like it was also true that she wasn't going back to the common room. Her feet seemed to move on their own, up the staircase, across the entrance hall, up the magically moving stairs several floors until she arrived on the seventh floor. Without so much as a glance at the tapestry, she began to pace up and down the corridor until the elusive door appeared, which she immediately wrenched open and thrust herself inside.

The Room of Requirement had turned itself into a sort of frosted forest. It was rather like stepping into a book written by C.S. Lewis. The snow even crunched beneath her feet as she moved forward, her breath coming out in puffs of air. Somewhere in the back of her mind, Lian recognized that she was being overdramatic, her sudden rush of anger and emotion could be swallowed if she took the time to try; but instead she chose to take everything that had happened in her life and scream. The noise bounced off the snow and around the nearest trees, but it wasn't nearly enough to sate her.

She thought about Umbridge, blackmailing her. She thought about the self-righteous Slytherins, snubbing her because she had a No-Maj in her bloodline. What would they say if they knew about my father? Not that it's any of their business. She remembered the disdainful looks she'd received from other students, just because of the crest over her heart. She thought about how no one bothered to understand or even know her. She thought about Warrington, and his absurd invitation. Like I have nothing better to do with my time! about the mischievous looks on her roommates faces when they finally had something with which to tease her. I don't have time for stupid boys and gossip-I have so much more to do with my life! She remembered how Snape and Harry had argued last night, how much hate they had for one another. Get over yourselves!

She couldn't handle it all, and she was not able to scream loudly enough. She transformed easily, charging into the trees, which seemed to be endless. There had to be a spell or something that was actually making it seem like she was running straight when really she was running in circles. She paused a moment, tossed back her head and roared at the dark ceiling, which was masquerading as the night sky. Then, she kept on running.

Lian only stopped because one of her paws slid on a sheet of ice. The trees spread out around it, but she found herself staring down at her reflection. The beast stared back up at her, it's sides barely heaving from the sprint. She remembered learning how to do this, transform, from Professor Kamau. She'd started Self-Transfiguration in her first year, as Professors Kamau and Fontaine shared the belief that being able to change her shape would shut off her Legilimens, freeing her for a time. The idea was good, the dream was real, and yet, as Lian glared at the beast reflected in the ice, she remembered how horribly wrong they had been. Her inherited gift seemed intent on consuming her, no matter what form she took.

Why couldn't I have been something cute, like a bunny? She thought miserably. Taking one of her huge paws, she raked her claws through the ice, distorting her image altogether.

Author's Note: Please review, or not...

(I low-key hate this chapter but don't worry a better one is on the way! And I hope to finish this story before I start school again but even if I don't it will be finished!)