Chapter Twenty-Five

"Amy, can we talk?"

The words hung in the air like a misty shroud. They both knew they had a heavy meaning, but they each went to very different places. Sheldon wanted to tell Amy that he was ready – finally! – to take their relationship to the next level. Amy, on the other hand, feared that Sheldon had been pushed to his emotional breaking point and was ready to call the whole thing off.

They looked at each other, trapped in dark corners of their own making.

Sheldon was afraid that his timing was off. Now that he wanted to show her how much he loved her in a physical way, she would surely be averse to that kind of intimacy so soon after her ordeal. She needed to protect herself, even though she loved him.

Amy was afraid that Sheldon was going to establish new boundaries to rein in the emotional turmoil that their relationship brought. Or maybe he would want another reboot. He needed to protect himself, even though he loved her.

The lengthy silence was interrupted by their friends returning from dinner. Their voices caused the misty shroud of uncertainty to immediately disperse, granting an unwanted reprieve.

"Ooh, games," Howard said as Sheldon and Amy were slow to abandon their bubble. "Is this a staring contest, or a brisk round of the quiet game?"

"I've done the staring thing with Sheldon," Penny added. "Trust me, it's creepy."

Bernadette smirked. "I bet Amy wouldn't think so."

By the time the couple had taken their places, sitting side by side on Sheldon's bed, the rest of the group had settled in around them.

"So, how does it feel to be a real live superhero?" Leonard looked at Sheldon expectantly, waiting for the self-congratulatory diatribe that he was sure was forthcoming.

"Yeah, dude," Raj added with a look of awe. "You're Batman!"

Howard stood up and struck a pose. "No, I'm Batman," he said in a low, gravely voice.

Sheldon just shrugged. "I'm not a superhero. I just did what I had to do."

Leonard was shocked by his modesty. "Well, I gotta say, I'm very proud of you. And the way you were able to keep a straight face in front of Bert ... very impressive."

"I fooled you all didn't I?" Sheldon said with a coy smile.

Amy leaned in to Sheldon. "What is he talking about?"

"Once we realized that it was Bert, we went to the university to look for someone who could tell us where he lives, but we ended up finding Bert himself cleaning out his office."

"Okay," Amy said, nodding for him to continue.

"So the plan was that Raj and Howard would ask him some questions concerning your disappearance and I would stand back and listen to his thoughts on the subject. We knew that what he didn't say would be critical." Sheldon looked at his friends, who nodded in agreement.

"But Sheldon was so calm," Leonard interjected, "that I was sure that we had the wrong guy. It wasn't until when we got outside that he told us all the things Bert had been thinking. I don't often say this about Sheldon, but he was cool. He didn't flinch at all while Bert hung himself with every thought."

"Maybe you'd like some pointers, Penny," Sheldon said, "in case you decide to resurrect your acting career."

"Maybe you'd like me to resurrect your last meal with my fist," Penny said with a laugh.

While the rest of the group marveled at his ability to stay calm under pressure, Sheldon went to a dark place. His eidetic memory once again proved to be a burden as he unwittingly relived every gruesome word that went through Bert's head.

"What was Bert thinking?" Bernadette asked, unaware of Sheldon's torture.

The room fell silent. Sheldon stiffened and looked away while Leonard cleared his throat and Raj stared at the floor.

Howard leaned in and whispered to her. "Bad things."

All eyes turned to Sheldon, who was clearly upset. The mood had quickly shifted in the room and they knew it was because he couldn't forget the threats Bert had made against Amy. They all wanted to help, but none of them knew what to do.

Except for Amy. One touch from her was all it took to calm him down. She placed her hand on his leg and smiled up at him. "It's over, Sheldon," she said. "Doesn't matter what his plans were. He can't hurt us now."

Sheldon covered her hand with his and nodded, returning her smile weakly.

While the rest of the group tried to think of a less stressful topic, Amy forged ahead with the one they were on. She had so many questions and they were the only ones who could answer them.

"How did you know Bert was the one who took me?" she asked, posing the question to Sheldon.

"Howard and Raj figured it out. Of course, since I knew nothing about Bert or his earlier advances towards you there was no way I could have put it together." He looked at her pointedly.

"I thought it was nothing, Sheldon," Amy said. "It's not like I have a lot of experience with that sort of thing."

"I should hope not!"

Amy walked over to where Raj and Howard were sitting and gave them each a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you both for being so brave."

"Ok," Sheldon called from across the room when Raj reached up to pat Amy on the back, "that's enough."

Ignoring his protests, Amy also gave Leonard a kiss on the cheek to thank him for his help. And Leonard, knowing how much it would bother Sheldon, stood up to hug her, holding her longer than necessary. The rest of the group could see the grin on his face and laughed, but Sheldon was not amused.

"Leonard, take your hands off of her!" he snapped. "Amy, get back over here!"

Amy came back to sit next to him, glaring at him as she crossed the room. He met her glare with a disapproving look of his own. "If this is how you behave when I'm here, I hate to think what happens when my back is turned. Planting your lips on every man in the room? Should I go outside and see if any of the males on staff are in need of female attention?"

Amy laughed because she knew it was all bluster, and because she didn't want to fight with him. Instead she leaned up and kissed him on the cheek too. "Happy now?"

"Not remotely," he said, "but I'm willing to let the matter drop with the stipulation that such behavior not be repeated. We do have a contract, you know?"

"So stipulated," Amy said.

Penny had been watching them with her mouth hanging open. "You're such a hypocrite, Sheldon," she said, pointing at him. "You go crazy over Amy kissing these guys on the cheek, when you kissed Beverly on the lips!"

Leonard choked on the water he had just taken a sip of as Amy rounded on Sheldon.

"You kissed Beverly Hofstadter?"

"No," Sheldon said, glaring at Penny. "She kissed me."

"When?"

"Years ago. Before you and I met."

"Why?"

Sheldon shrugged. "I seem to have that effect on women. If you recall, you kissed me without provocation once, too."

"I hope it wasn't the same thing." Amy said defiantly.

"Yes and no."

"Explain." She folded her arms across her chest and arched an eyebrow, clearly challenging him.

Sheldon, clueless as usual where body language was concerned, missed the challenge. "Well, you are both women I admire and respect. You were both drunk. You both walked away before I could wrap my head around what was happening."

Amy nodded. "Okay, that covers the similarities. Would you care to elaborate on how the two kisses were different?"

"My reaction, of course," Sheldon said simply.

"I'm listening."

Sheldon lowered his voice in an effort to maintain a level of privacy, but their friends all leaned closer. "First of all, her kiss meant nothing ... to either of us. As I said, she was drunk – thanks to Penny – and I was taken completely by surprise." He glared at his friends for their blatant eavesdropping and especially at Penny not only for opening her big mouth, but also for getting Beverly drunk in the first place. Then he frowned at Leonard for dragging Penny into their lives in the first place.

Turning back to Amy, he continued, "Secondly, the incident with Dr. Hofstadter was never wanted, reciprocated, or repeated. It in no way compares to our situation. Now can we please move on? I'm getting a heat stroke from all of this grilling."

Amy nodded in satisfaction. "Okay, but I do have one more question."

"Proceed."

"Who is Todd Zarnecki?"

…

Thirty minutes later the hospital room being shared by a very tired couple was much quieter. Amy's question opened up a flood gate of stories told with no other purpose than to humiliate Sheldon. Todd Zarnecki was just the beginning. Once they were out of stories, Howard, Bernadette and Raj left with Sheldon's blessing. When Leonard and Penny started to go, he quietly asked them to stay. He wanted to have a private conversation with Leonard, but he didn't want to let Amy out of his sight.

Unbeknownst to him, Amy was having the same problem. She needed a few minutes of privacy with Penny, but she didn't want to leave Sheldon's side. Penny, sensing their predicament, came to the rescue.

"Amy, I could really use a Coke. How about walking with me to the vending machine down the hall? We'll only be gone a minute," she added when Amy hesitated.

Amy leaned in to give Sheldon another kiss on the cheek, but he had other ideas. He turned her face so that their lips met. "Don't go too far," he whispered when she started to pull away.

"I won't," she promised before following Penny out the door.

"I think it's very sweet that you are comfortable kissing Amy in front of other people now." Leonard said as soon as the two women were out of sight. "I know it's hard for you, but it shows a lot of progress. And I'm sure it means a lot to Amy."

Sheldon nodded. "Leonard, after what we've been through, there is nothing I would not do for her. Which brings me to the reason I wanted you to stay." He licked his lips and stared at his hands twisting in his lap. "I think I am ready to make love with Amy," he said, blushing.

Leonard sat down beside Sheldon and put his hand on his best friend's shoulder. "Do you realize you just said 'make love' instead of coitus?" he asked.

Sheldon nodded again, but still didn't look up at Leonard. "Coitus sounds so cold and clinical, and my feelings for Amy could never be defined by either of those terms. Before she was taken away from me, we were getting much closer … physically speaking," he said, making eye contact with Leonard at last. "The closer we got, the closer I wanted to get. I think she felt the same way." He shrugged and his voice tapered off on the last sentence.

"That's great, Sheldon," Leonard said. "I told you it would happen if you just gave yourself some time." He studied Sheldon and wondered why he seemed so sad by what should have been good news. Surely he wasn't angry that his feelings for Amy had grown deeper. "I don't understand why you're upset," he finally said.

"Because I watched that animal put his hands on her in a way that was supremely intimate. It was a violation in every conceivable way." Sheldon's voice rumbled with anger as his mind punished him by remembering every detail vividly.

"I know that, Sheldon. And I hate it. But what does it have to do with you?"

"Won't my touch just bring all of that flooding back to her?"

Leonard could see the anguish in Sheldon's face, which fueled his own anger. But anger wasn't what Sheldon needed from him right now. He needed a friend who understood. He shook his head vehemently. "Not necessarily, Sheldon. I'm no expert, and I know Amy will need time to heal emotionally, but I honestly don't think she wants you to pull away from her physically. In fact I think it could make things worse."

"How?"

"By making her feel like you are repulsed by her now. You can't let Bert's touch be the last one she feels. His touch was vile and damaging, but yours would be loving and … healing."

Sheldon chewed on his lip as he contemplated Leonard's words. "She's been so patient with me, Leonard. She deserves our first time to be perfect. I just don't know if that's possible anymore."

"The first time is never perfect, Sheldon. But it can still be wonderful and special."

"You don't think it's too soon?"

Leonard laughed. "Oh, Buddy, I am sure Amy would be the first to tell you that the S.S. Too Soon sailed years ago!"

Sheldon smiled wearily and let out a long slow breath. "Thanks, Leonard," he said as he pulled his friend into a hug. "I know I give you a hard time, but the truth is I don't know what I would do without you."

"Me too, Buddy."

Out in the hallway, Amy and Penny were having a very similar conversation. Amy had filled Penny in on the things Bert had done to her while in captivity. "While he never made good on his threats, he still touched me in very inappropriate ways and said things that I never want to hear again."

Penny tried to keep her emotions in check as she listened. Anger would not fix anything, and it wouldn't help Amy. So Penny swallowed all the four-letter words that clogged her throat and tried to concentrate on the point Amy was slowly getting to.

"Sheldon and I had come so far with intimacy," Amy whispered, glancing around to be sure no one could hear her. "I was sure we were on the verge of something monumental."

"Well that's great! Isn't it?" Penny asked, still confused.

"It was," Amy confirmed. "But then he had to watch me get molested by another man. I'm afraid he will never want to touch me after seeing Bert's hands all over me."

Penny shook her head. "Amy, you can't blame yourself for that."

"I don't, and I don't think Sheldon does either. But the scene is trapped in his eidetic memory. How could he possibly forget it?"

"He doesn't have to forget it. You certainly won't," Penny said. "He just has to move past it, same as you. In fact, facing it together should make it easier for both of you."

Amy's voice was just a whisper when she responded. "Won't he be repulsed by me now? Especially if I act like I still want him?"

"Why would he be?"

"This is Sheldon we're talking about, Penny. He thinks I'm a sex fiend if I ask him to go for a walk. Surely he will expect me to be turned off by the idea of physical intimacy of any kind … with anyone."

Penny finally understood. She took Amy's hand in both of hers. "Sweetie, Sheldon loves you. And we have all noticed how comfortable he is with you physically. He just kissed you in front of us, and it was sweet and tender, not like the mechanical ones I have witnessed on date nights. He hasn't let you out of his sight, or even his reach, since he risked his life to bring you home. He clearly is not repulsed by you."

Amy wiped at a tear that ran down her cheek. "Thanks, Penny. I needed to hear that. I've felt so dirty since … you know … and I guess I thought everyone else considered me dirty too."

"Well we don't. Still a little crazy for choosing Dr. Whackadoodle, but it's too late to turn back now."

Penny was laughing, but Amy was deadly serious. "I didn't choose him, Penny," she said. "He chose me." When Penny looked at her oddly she continued. "He wasn't my first date, but he was the first one to show any interest. I'm lucky no one else got to him first."

Penny laughed again. "Oh yes, Amy. We are all so lucky to have Sheldon in our lives." Her tone was sarcastic, but Amy knew the sentiment was sincere.

"Back off, Bestie. He's mine!" Amy said, finally joining in the laughter.

As the two women were approaching Sheldon's door, Leonard came out to meet them. "Time to go, Penny," he said, taking his wife's hand. "See you, Amy. I'm really glad you're okay."

Amy smiled at him. "Thanks, Leonard. So am I." Then she waved goodbye to the couple and went in search of her hero. She found him sitting up in bed. As soon as he saw her, he patted the spot next to him and waited for her to join him.

"Hi," she said once she was settled.

"Hello," he answered, wondering why she seemed so nervous.

He reached for her hand and waited, but she remained silent.

"Is something wrong?" he prodded.

"Not really."

"You can tell me anything. You know that don't you?"

"Yes, Sheldon. I know. And you can tell me anything as well."

"I know."

Silence filled the room again, making Sheldon tense and unsettled.

"Amy," he said at last, "My gift is gone. I need you to tell me what's wrong."

"Are you sure?"

"What do you mean? Of course I'm sure."

He was becoming agitated, which was the last thing Amy wanted. She leaned against his shoulder and spoke softly. "Think about it, Sheldon. Look at my body language and assess the situation. Can't you figure out what I'm feeling?"

He sat perfectly still, studying her closely, while she waited patiently.

"Well," he began, "you're still holding my hand, so you aren't angry with me."

"That's good. Keep going," she encouraged.

"You're voice is soft and you aren't smiling, so you are either tired or sad."

"A little of both, actually."

"And you've been chewing on your lip, which I think means you are nervous about something."

Amy looked up at him, smiling warmly. "See, Sheldon. You nailed it without having to read my mind."

He beamed at her. "Do me!"

"You, Cuddles, are an open book," she said. "At this exact moment, you are feeling pretty proud of yourself for reading me so well. Once again proving your genius," she added with a smirk. "But before that, you were feeling unsure about something. My guess is you want to tell me something that you are afraid I won't like."

He looked at her so intently that she considered it a confirmation of her earlier fears. She fought back tears and tried to keep the bad news at bay.

"So, how did I do?"

He frowned. "Why are you sad?" he asked.

"What are you so nervous about?" she countered.

"I asked you first."

She sighed and ultimately relented. "I'm sad because I think I know what you are trying to get around to telling me."

His eyes got wide. "You do?"

She nodded.

"And it makes you sad?"

Another nod.

His shoulders fell in defeat. So he was right. She did feel disgusted at the thought of them being together physically. He understood, of course. Being assaulted like that would be hard on any woman, but even more so a woman who had never been so intimately touched. Sheldon wanted to replace Bert's touch with his to displace the horrible memory and the sickening association. But how could he if she wasn't willing?

Amy watched him do battle with himself, certain that he was trying to work up his courage. She knew he wasn't trying to protect her feelings. He had proven many times over the years that he was incapable of realizing when he had offended her. So even though things had improved since their breakup, she really didn't think his problem now was diplomacy. It was fear.

"When are you gonna stop being afraid?" she asked, unable to take the silence.

"Of you?" he said. "Never!"

Amy smiled. "It's okay, Sheldon. I understand why you want to cool things off between us. Physically I mean. It's a natural response to what we've been through. I'm sure-"

She stopped talking when Sheldon put his fingers across her lips.

"Amy, what are you talking about?"

"That's not what you wanted to tell me?"

He shook his head and swallowed thickly. "No. Just the opposite. I was hoping we could pick up where we left off, although I would understand if you were afraid."

Amy's relief was evident. "I could never be afraid of you, Sheldon," she said, meeting his gaze. "And nothing that Bert did or said could ever spoil what we have between us. I won't let it. I promise you that I will not be thinking of Bert when we are together."

Sheldon wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her to him for a kiss. It wasn't quick or chaste, it was slow and deep and full of the pent up emotions that they both had been struggling with. Sorrow, pain, longing, hope and deep, abiding love – they all passed between them in that kiss. For Amy, it was confirmation that he still found her desirable. For Sheldon, it was home.

He missing his lost ability, wondering what she was thinking. Was there even a small part of her that wanted him to stop?

When they pulled apart, she surprised him by asking him what he was thinking. He briefly wondered if she could now read his mind. Then he realized that she was referring to the anniversary kiss that led to their breakup.

He smiled. "Well, not The Flash, if that's what you're worried about."

"Good," she laughed.

After another kiss, Sheldon pulled away from her.

"Do you really want to know?" he asked.

She nodded.

"Prepare yourself, Dr. Fowler. You are going to be surprised."

Amy settled in, now more anxious than ever to know his thoughts.

"I was thinking about how you gave me your heart. And while I always treasured it, I realize now that I didn't always treat it well. I didn't protect it. I wasn't kind enough, patient enough, gentle enough. You deserve so much better than me."

Amy reached out to touch his face, gently running her fingers through his hair.

He leaned into her touch and continued. "I gave you my heart, too. But even with my eidetic memory I can't tell you when. It happened so slowly – so naturally – that I wasn't even aware of it. And then you took such good care of it that I didn't know I had lost it until the day you broke it."

Amy bristled at the reminder, but he moved on quickly.

"So I have made it my mission in life to make you feel special and wanted and loved, Amy Farrah Fowler. Because you are all of those things and so much more."

That earned him his third kiss. And his fourth, and his fifth ….