When he pushed her on her own bed, the act had angered her, but all she could do was bite her lip until it bled. His spittle as he whispered those evil words, struck her face, his breath made her want to vomit. He had pressed her to the bed, slipping one hand beneath the remnants of her blouse, stroking her breasts, squeezing them while she tried to move away from him.

Damn he was so strong…in the other room he had slammed her against the wall, his muscular frame too formidable for her even with the defensive skills Matt had taught her. He had tried to force her legs apart there but she wouldn't let him so he smacked her face instead. It hurt, fiercely, fading to a sting when her vision cleared again.

"I'm going to give you what a bitch like you wants," he rasped, "but not out here."

She looked around wildly and she knew where he wanted to take her. No, god now, if he got her inside there…wait she had her gun…close by her bed, think…don't lose it no…keep it together…until you get the gun.

He dragged her, even as she tried to become dead weight to him into her bedroom, to rape her. The one word that terrified her more than perhaps any other, the one she thought she'd never have to face. She'd come close when she'd been amnesiac in that car accident in the Arizonan desert and the sheriff who falsely arrested her had kissed her and when she had resisted had pushed her on the couch in his office. She had fought him but his bulk had made it impossible to push him off. If the deputy hadn't walked in right then…she hadn't wanted to think about it and once she put that ordeal behind her she didn't have to think about what could have happened at all.

Matt had hunted for her relentlessly and had crashed the party where she was to be a whore for a member of the state's correctional board. But he was miles away dealing with his own tragedy while she faced her worst nightmare. God, she hated the man above her, the one who had ripped her blouse wide open with the knife and placed his stinking mouth on her skin…the parts of her she had allowed only her chosen lovers to know. The other man, Clyde, where was he, she heard him laughing somewhere in the room while Dallas sucked at her breasts biting them.

She couldn't fight him…her only hope was getting to her gun but it was too far away…she'd have to bide her time and since he was stronger, that meant getting raped. She had to survive what he did to her and ground herself enough to act when she had the chance…the best time for that was after he'd gotten what he wanted out of her…then maybe his attention would lapse enough for her to go for the gun. But it was like forcing yourself to drown in icy water in the hopes that maybe someone could revive you later on, before your brain died. How did one push their face beneath the icy water and take that first lethal breath, the rushing pain, the terror of facing one's mortality…they said drowning didn't hurt, it seduced its victims especially in icy water where hypothermia often soothed the body it lured to death, by making that person feel intense warmth for the last time before numbness took over.

Then she felt calmness as she repeated quietly, she was going to have to drown to save herself.

She lay back as he trailed saliva all over her breasts, he bit at them again and she tried not to scream. She tried to push back but he rammed his forearm against her throat and shoved her dress up to her hips, while she tried to stop him. He ripped her underwear off her legs, hard so that her legs stung, and then forced them apart with his knee, as he pinned her to the bed. If he opened her up, then all he had to do was slide between and she couldn't fight back. He shoved himself between her thighs, the fabric of his pants skimming across her bare thighs.

"No….."

That's all she had was her voice, only with her throat pinned; only a gasp came out. She felt him fiddle with his own pants while he lay on top of her, and she tried to move her head…god…she had to stop him but the gun…no somehow she had to find a way to survive what she couldn't even imagine.

And then she felt the hardness of his erection against her through his pants, and a tear slipped out of her eye, frozen on her face. She tried to buck him off of her but he slammed her down and the knife…she could see it out of the corner of her eye. So close to her throat, if he slit her, she'd only have a minute to live. If she let him rape her, he might walk away from her.

She so desperately wanted to live, her fingers clawed at him, but he forced them back onto the bed, so they grasp the spread while he pushed against her harder, his breath hot and nasty in her face.

"Stay still bitch…or I'm going to make it hurt."

He pulled his pants down and she felt his penis rub against her, she froze then because she knew that once he pushed it inside of her, a part of her would forever shatter. Dallas had taunted her years ago that he would have her, that he would own her body and taken what he wanted. She had hated him as she had feared him and now…she hated him so much, the bile rose to her throat…even as she trembled beneath him, praying to herself silently that he'd stop short of…he was just trying to scare her that he'd never break her this way. But when she caught the expression on his face, her blood turned to ice. She knew that he might not stop with raping her.

He might also kill her.

She couldn't let him do that…the faces of all the people she loved…including the one she loved most of all flashed in front of her face temporarily blinding her to Dallas. She tried to breathe through her constricted throat; she just had to find something deep inside of her to survive what he'd done to her. She had to survive being raped.

He moved against her, and she braced herself, closing her eyes tightly, anticipating his invasion, but when he thrust inside of her, she hadn't been prepared for the pain, the sharpness as if the knife had cut her instead. He pushed harder, tearing at her and she cried out so he slapped a palm against her mouth as he started thrusting against her again and again. Much different than had he been a lover, infusing affection and tenderness instead of hatred and rage, and at that moment, she felt cut off forever from the act of lovemaking. She hadn't known a man could so twist something that she had loved into a weapon that terrorized her, leaving its mark forever.

But she wanted there to at least be a forever.

God she wanted to live through this…but she felt herself wanting to die…and her mind…it went fuzzy and she started watching what he did to her…he slammed against her and he whispered about how much he'd wanted her and this moment. She counted each thrust, every withdrawal from someplace else until the one that would end it, when he ejaculated his DNA inside of her, that which was uniquely his own brand, he had burned into her.

"C.J….C.J…"

She woke up on the couch, terrified looking up into a man's face but it wasn't the one who had been her rapist.

"Houston…"

She leapt up into his embrace, holding him so tightly, seeking out his warmth against what still chilled her.

Matt knew she needed him badly now, her face etched with fear and pain. He held her just as tightly as she dampened his shirt with her tears, coming hard and fast….she couldn't stop them from flowing. She sobbed, ragged, her breath harsh and painful. He lay down carefully on the couch pulling her with him, her head fell on his chest and still she cried wordlessly.

He wiped her tears away, whispering to her soothingly, like he would a wounded animal. He didn't even know what he said, the words just flowed and she seemed to relax a bit against him.

His heart broke for her, but inside there was a love deeper than any he had ever felt for anyone…she was his closest friend and she had been his rock when he needed to hold onto someone tight fleeing his own nightmares.

"I had to let him…to get the gun…"

He listened to her not understanding what she meant only that she needed to say it.

"You did…and you're alive."

"I hated it so much Houston…that I didn't have a choice."

He stroked her even as he ached for her. She had faced the worst nightmare to live and then had tried to put the pieces back together…but they didn't fit anymore. He whispered back to her.

"I'm here and I'm not leaving and we'll stay here together as long as it takes."

She nodded slightly against him, he felt it and knew that she trusted his words as she trusted him.

"I didn't want to die…I kept seeing all your faces…and I wanted so much to live…even if it meant…"

She couldn't finish, she just lay against him.

"You are alive…and I'm so glad about that…You did what you had to do to survive and we're all here, me, Uncle Roy, Will and your friends to help you get through this as long as it takes."

He meant it and she knew it.

"I don't know if I can…I never thought that far to what survival would be like."

He sighed.

"It's about struggle and not being alone with it…I learned that and Will's learned it. But there's good parts too that tell you how much it's worth it…like you."

She smiled as she snuggled against him, hearing him and also the steady rhythm of his heartbeat below her head.

"Thanks Houston…"

"Anytime…now just lay back and rest."

She murmured against his chest.

"What about dinner?"

"It can wait a little while," he said, "I kind of like having a woman who's my best friend to hold onto for a while."

She closed her eyes, thinking that sounded nice, as he continued to stroke her back until she fell into a dreamless sleep. He watched her eyes flutter and then close, as she settled against him. He lay awake while she slept in his embrace, wanting so badly to take a piece out of Dallas and whoever lingered in the background pulling the strings on the convicted who had raped his best friend.

He had to put together a plan to shake the guy who hated C.J. enough to master this plan against her so he could seriously make him sorry.