Chapter 24 – No Place Like Home

Say something I'm giving up on you,

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you,

Anywhere I would have followed you,

Say something I'm giving up on you,

And I will swallow my pride,

You're the one that I love and I'm saying goodbye

- A Great Big World, Say Something

The train hooted noisily, sending a torrent of steam billowing into the crisp spring air and students were pushing to get onto the maroon train for the holidays. First years were chatting, seventh years were reading or looking out of the windows; the pupils staying behind were either still in the castle of waving to their departing friends. Suitcases were still being loaded on along with their owners…

But one sixth year held back from the crowd, watching silently, face blank, eyes trained on three boys just in front of him.

Sirius Black held his suitcase in one hand, the other clenched tightly to stop it from shaking as he heard James Potter's voice above all the others at the Hogsmeade station.

"As long as he doesn't sit with us, I really couldn't care less…"

Somehow, Sirius didn't think he was talking about Snape this time. His suitcase was pulled forwards and he was caught in the crush of the next lot of students from the Thestral-drawn carriages. Pushed right up behind the three Gryffindors he really didn't want to get close to, Sirius let out a little yell and tried to move away but he was well and truly stuck as the little second years surged forwards.

They all turned around at the same time but had drastically different expression on their faces: James looked furious and exhausted, red eyes drowning in dark bags; Peter seemed like he was about to bolt, with the hair on the back of his neck on end and his eyes wide; but Remus looked heartbroken. Bruises littered his face and arms, a new scar curling its way up the inside of his upper arm and his eyes were a swirling cauldron of burning gold and distant amber. Sirius couldn't take it and ducked his head.

Seconds passed and none of them moved until Sirius felt a smaller hand touch his hesitantly before it laced their fingers together. James let out a little derisive noise and finally turned away as Sirius looked across at Marlene, who smiled up at him nervously.

"Come on Black, you joining us?" she said, tugging him forwards.

Reluctantly, he followed her onto the Hogwarts Express as the last warning whistle was blown.

She pulled him into the compartment that held Mary, Lily and Hestia, forced him down into the seat in the corner and heaved his suitcase into the overhead rack.

"Sirius is joining us for this journey," Marlene said firmly, silently daring them to ask questions. "Now I'm going to see the boys and Josh and then I'll be back."

Stopping to give Sirius another smiled, she added, "It'll be okay soon, I promise."

He just nodded miserably.

The girls stared in amazement at his blank expression and slightly trembling hands that he hadn't been able to still since last night.

Catching Lily's eye, Marlene silently pleaded with her to do something to help before she slipped out and turned towards the back of the train to find the remaining three Marauders and her younger brother.

The compartment was quiet.

Too quiet.

Remus was reading, Peter was pretending to be asleep and James was staring at the empty space next to him where Sirius normally sat.

Marlene opened the sliding door with a cough and raised an eyebrow. "Morning, boys."

They all looked up and Remus offered her a terse smile. She sat down next to James when no one said anything else and folded her arms.

"Well this is so exciting," she drawled sarcastically, "I really want to stay here the whole journey."

"You were the one who decided to be best friends with an attempted murderer," James retorted.

Her eyes narrowed. "I am good friends with both of you, please don't make me 'choose', James. I'm staying with you for two more weeks and then I get my inheritance and can stop living off you if that's what you want," Marlene said quickly, "But don't ruin it by being a prick."

"Sorry," James sighed, rubbing his eyes. "It wasn't your fault.

"It wasn't his fault either," she said firmly.

He looked at her warningly. "Marlene, I'm not forgiving him for this…"

"Peter?" she tried and the mousy boy kept pretending to be asleep to avoid the question although it was obvious he was awake because his breathing was far too rapid for the relaxed tempo that came with sleep.

Marlene turned finally to Remus who put his book down on his lap and looked at her tiredly.

"Remus?" she asked, unable to keep the begging out of her voice.

He didn't reply for a moment, formulating an answer.

"He needs to understand what he did, Marlene," he said softly and she immediately opened her mouth to protest. "No, listen. He does understand, I think, but as much as we all want him back, some time to process everything might help us all. Especially Sirius."

"Or it might destroy all of you," Marlene snapped furiously, "I get that you don't want to make up straight away but if you're not careful one or more of you is going to be irreparably damaged and I don't want that for any of you."

"Marlene…" James said, closing his eyes, "I don't want to 'make up' or hold hands and skip home."

"Do you honestly believe Sirius wanted to kill Snape? That he wanted to hurt you or Peter or Remus?" she begged, starting to shake. This side of James, the side that believed in wrong, right and nothing in between, wasn't one she had really faced before.

"I believe you aren't thinking straight, Marls, please," James replied softly, "You aren't doing any good pushing his case right now."

She tried desperately not to cry because Merlin knows she wasn't giving them the satisfaction of winning this argument and so even though her eyes were watering, she stuck her chin up and stepped forwards.

"Sirius lives with you!"

"Not right now."

"What?! So where's he going to go, huh? To his parents? To Peter, to Remus, to me? Could he stay at school? Don't make me laugh!" she yelled, "At this rate you're going to walk away and leave him sleeping on the streets!"

Marlene turned on her heels and stormed out before a tear spilled down her cheek, the door slamming shut, shaking on its hinges.

Her exit left James staring at the wall in horror and Remus looked over carefully.

"James, are you okay?" he inquired softly.

It took a second for the dark haired boy to respond. "Are we doing the right thing, Remus? Is she right or is she just being Marlene?" he croaked.

Sitting up because he no longer needed to pretend to be asleep, Peter looked solemnly at the other two boys, debating whether to speak up or not: on one hand, James no longer seemed angry, he just seemed depressed like he was coming down from a powerful, angry high; on the other hand, Peter had never much liked giving his own opinion.

"I think he needs to apologise before we forgive him properly," Peter mumbled.

James turned to Remus. "Moony, what do you think?"

Slowly, Remus shook his head, fingers trailing down the page of his book like the answers were in there. "I don't know, James, I don't know any more."

Finally, James' head turned again to the fourth seat, the empty one on his left – Sirius' seat by the window, facing the way the train was going because he felt sick otherwise. He'd always sit back, legs apart, twirling his wand in his left hand as his right hand pushed his hair out of his eyes while he grinned easily at them, talking about pranks he'd thought of or girls he wanted to get it on with. James realised he had wanted to hear Sirius' opinion.

Except he wasn't there.

Suddenly it felt like a brick wall had been dropped on James' chest and he closed his eyes and gritted his teeth.

Because Sirius wasn't there now. Sirius wasn't going to be there for a very long time, if ever, and it felt, finally, like a limb had just been torn away and burned.

"I don't know either," he whispered.

The girls and Sirius pretty much spent the entirety of the train ride in silence, only slipping out to get changed out of their Hogwarts robes and into their own clothes. It wasn't because they didn't have anything to say, it was more to do with the fact that none of them wanted to – or dared to – disturb Sirius. He'd dropped off to sleep a few hours in, slumped against the wall from sheer exhaustion and only woken when Marlene was forced to get him up so he could change.

Lily, Hestia and Mary had a hell of a lot of questions to ask Marlene (and Sirius) but their friend had explicitly said to leave the subject.

Marlene had sat next to Sirius the whole way and now as the train was rolling into Kings Cross, Marlene placed her pale hand on top of his, immediately waking him up.

"Sirius?" she said softly, pointing out of the window to the crowded station outside, "We're here. Get your stuff, yeah?"

Her voice was strained – she knew what was going to happen and she had no way of preventing it.

The train was emptying around them and slowly he got up, followed her out and tried to keep his breathing even.

Out on the platform, James had already found his parents and was chatting animatedly to them, Remus and Peter's family all around as the boys said goodbyes, hellos and many anecdotes from school since Christmas. Sometime before they all left, Sirius' absence was noticed and Mrs. Potter craned her neck to see over the crowds.

"Where's Sirius?" she asked and all three boys shared looks.

"He's… He's decided to stay at school," James lied and Peter nodded his head enthusiastically.

"He was feeling really ill so decided that it would be best. Very last minute," he added, being quite the skilful liar when he wanted to be. "Madame Pomfrey's going to keep an eye on him." He muttered something else under his breath but it wasn't audible.

"Alright, where's Marlene?" Mrs Potter smiled, suitably convinced.

"I'll go and find her," James volunteered, slipping away before he let something slip.

Sirius was standing by the train with Marlene, for the first time not knowing where he was going from the station. It scared him a fucking lot and when James appeared to collect Marlene he blanked out and gripped the handle of his trunk.

"Marls, we're going," James said, grabbing her hand and starting to drag her away. The Potters had left for the car (they liked to do it the Muggle way) and the platform was nearly empty now, just full of porters and billowing steam.

Startled, Marlene looked back over her shoulder at Sirius as James hastily led her away towards the exit.

"James," she begged in one last attempt to get him to see reason, "James you don't want to do-"

"No," he said bitterly, "I don't. But I have to. I can't even look at him, I'm sorry."

They disappeared brought the magical barrier leaving the 17 year old boy – that neither wanted to abandon – alone on the platform, wisps of smoke around his feet as his blank eyes stared at the spot they had vanished from.

Marls,

Wish you were here (haha not) because this is awful. Now they've lost you, as they put it, it seems they're even more determined that I'm to become a perfect little Pureblood prince.

Needless to say I haven't mentioned Emma as she's a Muggleborn and their rants and raves get worse every day. Is it so bad to want to tell them about dates we've been on? Apparently. Once I'm free of them I swear on the whole of Merlin' wardrobe I am never sitting through another formal dinner again.

Love, Josh x

Marlene petted the owl as she absentmindedly read the short letter from her brother and the bird hooted with contentment.

"PS, reply at night, I'm not supposed to write to you," she muttered and flopped back onto her bed.

It was awful, not being able to help or even write freely, but Marlene wasn't going to get him into trouble because she knew so well what the punishments were.

Only a few hours until she could send her reply but she was too impatient to write it so she hurried over to the desk and grabbed her quill.

Josh,

I'm bloody sorry you're there. I can honestly imagine it must be hell on Earth. Although it's not much consolation, as a boy they will be slightly kinder to you. Refuse marriages, for Merlin's sake – they'll let you if you protest enough. And because I'm gone.

My offer still stands: if it gets too bad the Potters will try and get you out. Don't feel you have to stay there no matter what. Soon enough I'll be 17 and I can be your guardian, don't worry.

Love always, Marlene

Josh had waited up for her replying that night and sent the owl back silently, scanning his sister's neat handwriting sleepily. Smiling slightly at her protectiveness, obvious even in a letter, he stashed the folded parchment in the hidden box under his bed.

Just in time, because a floorboard creaked outside his door and it was pushed open before he could react.

"Joshua, are you still awake? It's past midnight," his aunt said with a sickly smile, candle in hand. "Blow out the lights and go to bed now."

"Yes, Aunt Mathilda," Josh sighed, pulling the window shut.

"Why was that open, dear? I really hope you haven't been contacting other people after we asked you not to…" Her tone was sharp.

He gulped. "Sorry, Aunt Mathilda, I was stargazing and couldn't see properly without opening it so far. I shan't next time."

The woman gave him an 'I know you're lying but can't prove it' look but didn't say anything, just retreated from the room and locked the door behind her.

Letting out a sigh of relief, Josh got ready for bed and wrapped the duvet around himself. He really needed to be more careful in the future…

Four of the fourteen days of the Easter Holidays had passed with little or no activity for Sirius. After making it out of Kings Cross in one piece, he had apparated to the Leaky Cauldron and booked a room for a week with what gold he had on him, leaving just enough for food.

As soon as he'd locked the door, he had sunk to the floor and cried himself raw. And then he hadn't moved much at all, getting up the next morning only to eat a small breakfast of porridge and water before retreating to bed.

Now days of that had passed, he had moved on from comfort in sleep to comfort in alcohol. The room stank of the stuff and there were plenty of empty bottles scattered on the floor while he was curled up in the corner.

Knock knock went the door and he raised his head wearily.

"I don't want housekeeping," he croaked.

"Good because I'm not a bloody maid. Open the door, Sirius."

Oddly enough, the voice sounded familiar. Still, he didn't move.

"Fine! Accio Room 28's key," the voice sighed and the metal key flew from underneath a pile of clothes, slipped under the door and into the person's hand.

He held his breath for a moment as the lock was turned and the handle twisted.

"This place is absolutely disgusting," Regulus said, wrinkling his pale nose with disgust. "How do you live here?"

"R-Regulus?" Sirius gaped.

"Surprise," he drawled sarcastically, shutting the door behind himself and moving towards his brother.

What on Earth was he doing here, Sirius wondered.

"Wh…why – why are you here?!" he stammered in shock, eyes wide and slightly bloodshot.

"Heard from Snape that you and your chums had had a fall out and that Potter wouldn't be letting you stay at his. Figured you'd be somewhere around here."

"Why are you here though?!"

"I'm not quite cruel enough to leave you to die of alcohol poisoning," he said carelessly, gesturing to the glass strewn across the floor before he opened his satchel.

"I'm fine," Sirius snapped, turning his head away.

"Sure, that's why you've barely eaten for four days, have probably drank ten times more alcohol than usual and haven't washed either. You smell like a tramp," Regulus said bluntly, carefully sitting down next to Sirius.

Sirius was older, his shoulders were broader, his hair was longer, hadn't shaved recently and had bags under his eyes but other than that, when he turned to look at his brother he did a double take. He looked so like Sirius had a year ago, only thinner.

"You are not fine," Regulus said quietly and Sirius started to shake.

Getting up, he went into the bathroom and filled a glass of water before returning.

"Drink it all."

"No."

"Drink it, Sirius."

With another dirty look, he did as commanded, slowly sipping it as his headache returned with fervour.

"Another?" Regulus asked.

Aware of just how dehydrated he was, Sirius nodded and Regulus made the trip several times more.

Eventually, Sirius didn't feel the burn in the back of his throat and he closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the wall.

"I brought you some food, too," the younger Black said, pulling a sandwich out of his bag.

Both of them were forcibly reminded of the times Regulus had smuggled Sirius supplies during the long spells of punishment in the cellar of Grimmauld Place.

"Thank you, Regulus," he said sincerely, their hands touching for just a moment. Maybe the little boy he had known wasn't as lost as he had thought. Maybe he was just hiding behind a mask.

Regulus ducked his head, touched by Sirius' gratitude – the Gryffindor hadn't needed him for a very long time. Embarrassed, he continued rummaging in his bag, finally producing a small velvet coin bag once the redness had died from his pale cheeks.

"I've brought you some money too, should be just enough to last you the week. Please don't spend it on alcohol…"

Sirius was lost for words. He just let his brother drop the object into his open palm, the coins clunking reassuringly, telling him that he'd be okay.

"It's alright," Regulus smiled, the humour playing around his lips, "You don't have to thank me. Your pride will be having a hard enough time dealing with this let alone thanking your evil Slytherin brother for saving your ass."

"Regulus," Sirius sighed.

"No, honestly, don't stress about it," he replied with a small laugh, "But I had better go, I told Mother I was getting supplies in Diagon Alley and you know how she gets."

Sirius grunted. "Yep, I do."

"I didn't mean that," Regulus corrected quickly, standing up, "Sorry."

"I know, it's okay, Regulus."

"Well alright… See you around. Owl me if you need anything but for Salazar's sake disguise your handwriting or Father might come and finish you off," the younger boy muttered, grabbing his bag.

There was a few moments of silence before Sirius finally replied. "Thanks, Reg."

The old nickname threw him off guard and he blinked as he paused by the door, eyes trained on the worn brass doorknob.

"I'm not evil like you think I am, just because I'm not a Gryffindor," Regulus mumbled before he slipped out and shut the door softly before Sirius could react.

"What do you want?" a girl snapped, sticking her bony nose into the air as she opened her front door to the scruffy looking boy on the porch.

James automatically ruffled hair and pushed his glasses up his nose. This must be the infamous Petunia Evans, he thought.

"I was – uh…" James stuttered, "I was looking for Lily, is she in?"

Petunia's already pale face went even whiter, if that was possible, and she pursed her thin lips together. "You're not like her are you?"

"Like her?" he said, confused.

Her countenance relaxed somewhat, mistaking his confusion for not knowing about Lily's wrongness. "Good. What do you want anyway?"

"Just wondered if she was in and if she uh – uh – if she wanted to hang out," he mumbled.

Sighing, Petunia turned back to the house and yelled.

"MUUUUM! WHERE'S LILY?"

"You know where she is, dear, she's down at church helping out with the craft day, why?" Mrs. Evans said, entering the hallway and spotting James outside. "Oh hello there, who might you be?"

"James Potter, a… friend… of Lily's," he introduced himself, wondering if Lily would get mad at him for assuming they were friends. Still, he could hardly say 'James Potter, a boy in love with your daughter suffering from unreciprocated feelings and inappropriate thoughts'.

"Oh, that's lovely! I must admit I recognise your name but only vaguely," she replied with a warm smile so similar to Lily's, "Anyway, she's down at the church, do you know where that is?"

"Oh… No, no idea," James admitted.

Mrs. Evans laughed and stepped outside, resting a hand on his shoulder. "Just down the road that way and to the left – you'll see it, don't worry," she said, pointing down the street.

James was fairly good at finding his way around so figured he'd be able to find it – how difficult could it be?

"Thanks," he said politely, "Goodbye, Mrs. Evans, Petunia!"

The older woman beamed. "Goodbye, James, do come again!"

She shut the door slowly as he walked down the path, hands in his pocket.

"I do like him, very charming – and handsome," she said, bustling back into the kitchen.

"I don't," Petunia muttered, folding her thin arms and sticking her nose in the air.

James found the church easily, deciding Lily's home village was really very pretty as he walked down the street. He wasn't entirely sure why he was going to such lengths to see a girl who would probably tell him to bugger off but anything was better than moping around the house, avoiding Marlene as she had demanded and trying to not tell the truth to his parents.

Pushing open the main door of the small building, he slipped inside and looked around for Lily. There were tables everywhere and lots and lots of little children running around with glue, paint brushes and sequins. Still, he found Lily at a table in the middle and carefully made his way through the chaos to her.

"Lily!" he called and she looked up with confusion before her jaw dropped.

"Potte-James?" she frowned, "What are you doing here?"

It wasn't exactly the reception he had wanted…

He faltered and ruffled up his hair nervously. "I… Uh… It's too quiet at home… Marlene's mad at me and Mum and Dad are working a lot."

"So? Can't you talk to S-" Oh. Lily stopped mid sentence and clapped a hand to her mouth. "James, I'm so sorry, I forgot…"

James forced a small smile and slipped into the chair opposite her, knees well above the table top because of how small everything was.

"Doesn't matter, Evans. Am I allowed to give you a hand?"

She looked surprised.

"Uh, sure, I guess. We're making Easter boxes with chocolates in them. You just have to help them stuck things on and dish out the stuff at the end," she smiled, demonstrating with one someone had appeared to have made earlier.

"Oh, okay," James grinned weakly, "I can do that!"

"Behave, Potter," she reminded him but she was smiling

James just winked back, gaining confidence when she didn't demand he leave.

"Can you help me?" a plaintive voice said, sticky fingers tugging on James' top.

"First test, Potter," Lily sniggered, expecting him to fail.

"Sure," he smiled at the little girl, "What do you want help with?"

"I can't get my flower to stay," she huffed, handing him the over-glued shape that vaguely resembled an explosion as opposed to a daisy.

Lily was with another child but made sure to watch him carefully, curious green eyes flickering between him and the boy she was helping.

"Oh no, what a lovely flower too!" James said kindly, "Well, if we just wipe some of this stuff off and then try it again it might stay on a bit better and not slide off!"

The little girl looked up at him and grinned, doing as he suggested and laughing when it worked. "Thank youuuuuu!" she cheered, clapping her hands together.

"No problem. Shall we clean you up a little bit?" James laughed too and grabbed what he assumed was a cloth. Carefully, he wiped her hands and sleeves clear of glue.

"There, all better! Off you go, here's your chocolate too."

She smiled cutely up at him before bouncing away to another craft activity or possibly to find her parents. Lily raised an eyebrow as a smile of her own played around her lips.

"I didn't take you for a kiddy sort of person, Potter."

He looked up and grinned. "Well, when I'm so very immature myself what do you expect?"

"I'm impressed," she laughed, taking advantage of the lull in the children to look at him properly.

"What's this stuff?" James asked curiously, smile dropping slightly, and he pointed to the glue.

Lily snorted. "Wizards, honestly. That's glue. We don't have sticking spells or Spellotape so we use this. It's great but makes a mess.

"Oh. Right," he sighed.

Lily frowned. "James, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, Evans, don't worry," James replied breezily.

"Just… You stop smiling when you think I'm not looking, you're constantly rubbing your nose like you do when you're worried and you came all this way to see me."

"I wanted to see you!"

"Sweet. But I want to know why you don't have Black around to entertain you."

Tensing up slightly, James scowled slightly – bingo, Lily thought.

"Okay, I get we're not exactly amazingly close but something happened, didn't it? Have you not made up? Have your parents not realised?"

"Lily, not here," he pleaded.

She sent him a look and checked her watch. "We finish in ten minutes. Talk to me then, please?"

"Yeah, sure," James sighed.

They didn't look at each other again until they finished and he helped her tidy away and stack all the chairs.

"Who's this then, Lily dear?" a kind looking gentleman said, hobbling over to her and James.

She flushed slightly. "This is my friend, James. James, Malcolm. Malcolm, James."

The man winked at James. "Not your boyfriend? You tell me you don't have one and yet you say you're no liar! You're a pretty young thing - you must get some action."

"Malcolm!" Lily whined in horror and went bright red. "We are not dating!"

"We aren't?" James teased but shut up when she shoved him.

"You're a right little lady, aren't you? Fine, he's not your boyfriend. But if Mr. James here is a good enough friend to come and help you here he's a friend indeed."

James looked incredibly amused and put his arm around Lily's shoulders.

"Oh, we're the best of friends!"

Lily rolled her eyes and dragged him outside, calling goodbye to the others.

"Don't listen to him – once I bought Marls along and he implied Marlene and I were also dating."

"Ah, I've always suspected something," he teased and she whacked him again.

"Come on, we can go to the park and talk…"

It wasn't far to Cokeworth Park and in just a few minutes they were seated on the swings, kicking their legs and creaking backwards and forwards.

"So," Lily said, looking across at him, "What went wrong? Why was Sirius looking like a depressed ghost and why do you look like you want to cry and punch someone?"

He signed and looked down at his scuffed shoes. "You won't like it."

"You won't like me pissed off either. Come on, you know you guys are my friends too. And if it affects Marlene I think I have a right to know!"

"Fine… You know how we're all Animagi?" James started slowly, checking that no one else was in the park, Muggle or magical.

"My memory just about stretches that far," Lily teased lightly.

He smiled and rolled his eyes. "It was the full moon the day before half term and, well, there isn't a nice way to put it but… You know Sirius was… Worked up? Snape said something that he shouldn't have and Sirius flipped: he told him how to get into the Whomping Willow and-"

"Shit!" Lily swore, emerald eyes wide with horror. Reluctantly she added, "Is he okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, course. We got him out just fine but I couldn't – can't – forgive Sirius for what he did. I can't even look him in the eye," James muttered. "He didn't come home with me and I'm not entirely sure where he is."

"JAMES POTTER!" Lily shrieked, "He is your BROTHER!"

"Please please please don't get angry with me," he begged, "I just need someone to talk to…"

"You should be talking to Sirius," Lily reminded him, muttering something under her breath.

"I'm sorry, Lily, I just need your help!"

Her expression softened slightly at the despair in his eyes: James and Sirius were inseparable, practically joined at the hip. And to see them apart, torn apart, was physically painful.

"How do you want me to help, James?" she asked kindly.

"Am I a bad person for hating him?" he blurted out, "Marlene blames me for this – I was horrible to her too, but…"

"No, James," Lily said firmly, putting her hand on top of his as she stopped swinging. "No of course not! James, you are one of the bravest, most honest people I know and you are the furthest from a bad person it's possible to be. But… Well…"

"But what?!"

Lily sighed and tucked a strand of her brilliant hair behind her ear as she tried to word it correctly.

"But you see things in black and white, no overlap, no grey areas."

"I don't-"

"Let me finish, Potter," she joked. "If you do something, it's right. If someone else does something differently to how you would do it, it's wrong. It's your biggest flaw and get one of the best things about you."

James frowned. "What's this got to do with Sirius?"

"Everything! He did something you would never have done so you think it's wrong and you dislike him for it, that's understandable. But Sirius clearly never wanted to go black, pun not intended, and was never shown white. He gets angry and gets even unlike you."

"So he was right to do that?" he said tightly.

"Oh fuck no! But if you could understand the grey, where most of his moral decisions fall, not really good or bad, you might get this sorted," she finished passionately.

The sun was starting to set – they had been out for a while and not even noticed – and so James stood up, lost for words, and stretched his back out.

"Lily?"

"Yeah?"

"You're a bloody genius, you know that?"

"Why thank you," she laughed.

"Seriously, thanks a lot. I ought to get back or Mum will worry but really, it means a heck of a lot," he said with a small smile, brain working hard.

Lily smiled warmly as she stood up too, a lot shorter than him. "No problem, Potter, I should go home too."

"D'you want me to walk you back?"

She looked at him, wondering if the Wizarding World didn't have connotations for walking a girl home. Still, she nodded and started to amble along.

James beamed – he knew exactly what it meant when Muggles walked each other home.

Soon enough, they reached her red-brick house at the end of the cul-de-sac and Lily rested her hand on the door handle, not going inside just yet.

"You know, James, I used to think you were an immature arsehole…"

"Thanks," he chuckled, rolling his eyes.

"But you're not any more. An arsehole, at least, because you can still be very immature sometimes." She didn't want to boost his ego too much.

"Lily, don't worry, I know that's not you saying yes to a date," he teased lightly.

Still, as she opened the door, James couldn't resist taking her hand and kissing it lightly, smirking slightly to himself.

She looked back at him in surprise as the gesture was quite old fashioned and hoped the glow from inside was masking her blush.

"Go home, James," Lily said, grinning anyway.

"Already gone," he replied with a laugh, turning and walking down her drive, whistling a Weird Sisters tune quietly.

Rolling her eyes, Lily smiled and shut the door as soon as he was out of sight.

Allowing her sleep-heavy eyes to flutter open, Marlene rolled over onto her side and let out a sigh. The room she had taken over at the Potters' was still pretty bare, most of her things at school or stuck at her aunt and uncle's house until she was…

Seventeen.

Merlin's beard, she was seventeen, how bad she forgotten her own birthday until now?

Mildly annoyed at her own memory blip, she groaned and sat up, pushing her covers away so she could go and get dressed. Still, the fact she had forgotten wasn't entirely her fault: no one had yet brought up the subject.

Quickly, she pulled on some jeans and an old, too small Quidditch jumper of James' and slipped downstairs into the warm kitchen. The sounds of cooking and the radio came from the homely room as Mrs. Potter bustled around carrying a large bowl of batter.

"Oh, Marlene, there you are!" she said happily, putting the bowl down on the work top and enveloping the girl in a warm hug. "I'm making pancakes, is that okay? You can have anything on them…"

Marlene noted an almost afraid undertone in her voice.

"Thanks," she smiled, "Grace, why do you look worried?"

"Don't mind me. I was just fretting about doing anything wrong that you used to do with your parents," she said, biting her lip.

"This is perfect, honestly," Marlene said sincerely.

Mrs. Potter shot the younger girl a genuine smile and pulled away to continue cooking.

"If you want to open presents now or later you can do so. Don't feel like you have to do anything, dear," Grace insisted, "The boys will probably make a massive fuss. Do tell them when to stop. I know it's the first time you're doing this without Mason or your parents. When my sister passed on everything was so hard to do without her there…"

Marlene was very touched by her thoughtfullness and smiled, understanding now why her birthday hadn't been mentioned before.

She slipped away to open the presents alone, preferring the privacy like she always had done. Looking down at the pile of presents on the table, the absence of Mason's messily wrapped gift and her parents' bright wrapping paper were so obvious it hurt but she picked up the first one from the Potters' and smiled despite it all.

Unwrapping it carefully, she grinned as she opened the box and saw the Omnioculars inside as well as the two Quidditch League tickets.

"Thanks Grace!" Marlene called through to the kitchen.

"No problem, dear, glad you like them!"

There were some new clothes too, and a bag of money with a small note in Harold's writing:

Use this to buy whatever you want to replace what you can't yet retrieve.

- Harold, Grace and James

But there were none from friends…

It shouldn't have hurt as much as it did – and it wasn't because she just wanted presents – but they hadn't even owled or visited and it was the company she craved more than their gifts.

"Marlene, your pancakes are ready!" Grace called and she hurried back into the kitchen to eat, pushing the melancholy thoughts away for the time being.

James wandered in after about five minutes.

"Everything's ready for the-"

"Morning, James, Marlene's already here," Mrs. Potter interrupted swiftly before James could give anything away.

He widened his eyes and stopped mid sentence. "Oh. Right. Morning, Marls."

She narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously and he laughed nervously and rumpled his hair.

"What?"

"Nothing…"

"James…"

"Marlene," he smirked.

She gave up and rolled her eyes. "I'm going to wash."

Heading up quickly, she shut her door and and went into the little en suite to sort her hair out and wash her face.

SMASH!

"I told you to…" "… Well, James, if you'd…" "… Stop arguing…" "… I wasn't…" "… Shush!"

What the fuck was going on?"

Pulling her hair into a quick ponytail, Marlene poked her head over the balcony of the landing and nearly fell over with surprise.

What was going on was apparently Peter, Remus, Mary, Lily and James attempting to sneak into the living room.

"Why… What… I…" Marlene spluttered.

"Shit!"

"James Harold, language!" Mrs. Potter scolded from the kitchen and James grinned sheepishly.

Marlene hurried down the stairs, her mouth falling open in surprise. "Where – what – why are you all here?!"

"Happy Birthday, Marls!" Lily laughed and her and Mary enveloped their friend in a tight hug.

"We missed you like crazy!" Mary added happily.

When they pulled away, they handed her a bag of presents and stepped back.

Remus passed her a gift too and Peter gave her the accompanying card.

"Hope you have a good day," Remus smiled.

"And eat lots of food!" Peter grinned.

"Thanks guys," she beamed, "I wasn't expecting to see you here!"

Then she looked around and her expression faltered slightly: someone was missing.

"What is it?" Lily asked, quickly picking up on the change in mood, "We're really sorry for not telling you or-"

"Where's Sirius?" Marlene interrupted, smile completely gone now.

James' eyes shot across to Remus and Peter's who both looked agitated.

"James," Marlene said warningly, "Where is he…"

"He's… He's not here," he replied weakly and ruffled his hair.

"I swear to Merlin if you tell me the obvious again and mess up your damn hair I'm cutting it off!"

Remus tried to help, looking stricken, "Marlene, the others didn't feel he should be here because I am."

Very confused, Mary folded her arms and stared at them all. "What in the name of already half failed birthday parties is going on?"

"The boys have fallen out massively. Sirius isn't here because they aren't talking, Mary," Lily tried to explain, feeling like she was going to have to break up a physical fight soon.

Frowning, Mary fell quiet to listen.

"Well done. Sirius isn't here," Marlene snapped, turning back to James.

"Marlene," he pleaded.

"James, don't try that on me! You overstepped the mark, you hurt me badly too! You knew exactly what was happening before you interrupted and you had to burst in like an overprotective brother and ruin it for me! You don't get to do this, you're not entitled to pass judgement."

"What did you interrupt, James?!" Remus said, horror stricken because he had a good idea.

"Where is he?" she demanded to know.

"What?!"

"SIRIUS! Where is he? We all know he didn't stay at Hogwarts 'because he was ill'," she spat.

"I…" He faltered as everyone turned to look at him. "I don't know," James whispered.

"You don't know, of course you don't," Marlene said, trying not to cry.

"I'm sorry you had to see this. This conversation was well overdue," she said, turning back to the others. "We're not celebrating my birthday any more. I'll owl you," Marlene promised the girls.

Quickly, she put down the presents on the bottom step and fled upstairs, blinking away tears.

Lily turned on James. "Well done, James."

"I just…" He sighed and rubbed his temples.

"You forget how much she cares about him," she said softly as the others snuck away, "Maybe this was a mistake. Inviting us, I mean. She was never going to accept that he wasn't here too."

"I just wanted to cheer her up, to say sorry," James half cried and Lily resisted hugging him.

"I know that and she does too – give it time. And James?" She worded what she was going to say next very carefully. "Find him? For your sake too."

She shut his front door quietly. James groaned and wondered when his life had gotten so complicated.

YES OKAY YOU CAN ALL HATE ME I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN LITERALLY MONTHS AND THIS CHAPTER ISN'T EVEN THAT SPECIAL PLZ DONT KILL ME. If it helps I have the next one well under way?

I lost motivation, I lost where I was in the story and I've had a very difficult few months but I'm back and I'm back to stay I promise. 200 reviews? I love you all, thanks for sticking with me.

Lots of love, PIAM