Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.
Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. Due to the enormous amount (a new record for any chapter I've ever written) I was unable to compose a personal reply to each one of them, like I normally do. I hope you don't take offense.
This chapter continues from the night of heartbreak and will be both in Edwards and Bella's POV. A lot is going to happen below and not all of it will be bad. It will still be tough though…I can't promise sunshine and butterflies just yet even though I hate to make everyone sad.
This chapter is unbeta'ed. I apologize for any errors this might have caused to slip through.
Broken Hearts
January 2010
"Bella?" I tried one more time as the first rays of sunshine appeared. "Please, love, open the door."
I still couldn't wrap my head around what had happened. Her behavior had been off all evening. I noticed it as soon as I picked her up from Rose's. Something had happened, something she was keeping from me. Something bad. It killed me that she was closing herself off from me yet again. I had sat there, right next to her, for most of the performance, watching the woman I loved fall apart, knowing there wasn't a damn thing I could do to help her now that she would no longer let me. It was something I wouldn't even put my worst enemy through.
If only I could have reached out to her. If I would have been more forceful….
I let out an angry roar as I realized how much of a fool I had truly been. Instead of cherishing her and giving her space to deal with whatever the hell she was wrestling with I had snapped at her over some dumbass matter and – worst of all – started assaulting her the first opportunity I got. I didn't even have the fucking decency to wait until we were alone. No, I basically forced myself on her in front of our driver. I had treated her like a whore when all she needed was kindness and understanding.
Fucking monster.
I had proven once and for all that I was no better than I had been ten years ago. No better than James, Irina and the whole fucking lot of them.
"Bella?"
Silence.
I had known it the moment I felt her freeze up underneath me; I had lost her. It had been my worst fear come to life but something I had been expecting ever since Irina had walked back into my world.
"Bella!" Unable to keep my frustration under wraps any longer I pounded my fist against the door, the pain being almost a comfort to me. It joined the stiffness and numbness of my body from being crouched on the floor against a wooden door wearing next to nothing for God knew how long.
Nothing.
The calm and the silence terrified me because I knew that she was somewhere on the other side of that door but what I didn't know was what kind of state she was in. If only I could have heard her laughing or crying or berating me for the utter prick I was I would have known she was okay. Now I knew nothing. For all I knew she might have smashed her head against the side of the bed when she tore into the room like a tornado, slamming and locking the door right in my face, and was now lying on the floor slowly bleeding to death.
A shock went through my system when an annoying bleeping sound drifted up from downstairs.
No. Not now.
I narrowed my eyes at the stairwell as I fought a reaction that had become like second nature to me. I was determined to ignore my pager no matter what the hell was going on. Bella was more important than work. Bella was more important than anything.
I wished I would have seen that before.
The bleeping sound was soon followed by the muffled sounds of my cell phone going off somewhere in the house, joined only minutes later my the monotone ringing of the house phone.
"Go!" The sound coming from inside the room was muffled but there was no mistaking the desperation that accompanied it.
"No!" I yelled back, a tiny spark of hope igniting at the fact that at least I had gotten a reaction out of her. "Not before you talk to me."
"Go away Edward," she responded. From the sound of it she was right on the other side of the door, only a small layer of wood between us. "Leave me be."
"No." I leaned against the door, determined to not let even the slightest detail of what was going on inside evade me.
"Please go," she pleaded. "I need time. I'm not coming out as long as you're there."
She needed time.
Did that mean that all was not lost? Did that mean that – given time – she could learn to tolerate me again?
Time.
I could give her that. If time was what she needed than I could be patient.
"Okay." I groaned as I tried to rise from my spot on the floor, my whole body protesting against the movement. "I will be back as soon as I can. We will talk when I get back."
There was no reply.
"Be safe, love," I whispered in the direction of the door as I reluctantly removed myself from her, quickly pulling on some clothes while glancing at my pager, the figures 911 blinking up at me.
I sighed, glancing up to the second floor one last time as I made my way down, not pausing other than to pick up my keys and coat as I headed out towards my job, the ever hungry beast that had divulged everything I held dear.
It was going to stop. It had to stop.
"Mr. Cullen?" A voice stopped me as I made to get into my car.
"Mrs. Wilkinson?" I looked back to see the kindly looking elderly lady who lived next door to us standing a couple of feet away, looking mightily uncomfortable.
"I'm sorry to disturb you since you're so clearly in a hurry to get underway," she started, fidgeting in her place, "but I was wondering if your wife is okay…."
"What?" My words came out sharper than I intended and I was already trying to apologize when she stuck up her hand to stop me.
"I'm sorry if I'm sticking my nose into matters that aren't my business but it's just that your wife seemed very upset yesterday when she was accosted by a woman in front of your home and…well…I guess I worried a little…"
"A woman?" My breath hitched as I thought about who it could have been. No…she wouldn't dare…
"She's been hanging out here a lot lately," Mrs. Wilkinson continued. "I've never liked the look of her, all posh and prim and so smug about her own appearance…."
"Irina!" I hissed, an all consuming anger ripping through me. Of course, I should have known she had something to do with this. I tried to calm myself down a little before I spoke again, not wanting to scare the crap out of the lovely old lady standing before me. "What happened?"
"It was the first time I've seen her approach your wife," she explained, taking a small step back from me. "I hadn't even seen her before I heard the sounds of an argument going on outside…From the looks of it she was trying to intimidate your wife and was doing a pretty good job."
"Thanks!" I growled, knowing I needed to get the hell out of here, not just because the hospital needed me, but also because I was going to commit a felony or – at the very least – scare an old woman to death if I continued standing here listening to her explanation about the meeting that had probably caused my wife to react the way she had last night.
I had to go to work, find Irina and slowly torture the life out of her.
Part of me wanted to get back in the house and confront Bella with what I had learned. It was the part of me that was outraged that she had kept this from me. From what Mrs. Wilkinson had told me I gathered that this wasn't the first time Irina had accosted Bella in some way but I was going to make damn sure that it would be the last. As soon as Bella had given me the explanation I was going to make damn sure I was going to get I would call my lawyer and get a restraining order in place. This couldn't go on like this.
As much as I wanted to start fixing things and getting answers, though, I knew it would be pointless to expect anything from Bella right now. If I knew my wife like I thought I did – which I was very much starting to doubt, by the way – she would still be in the guest bedroom with the door locked and as angry as I was right now, I wasn't about to force my way in.
I would give her time. Not much, but a couple of hours at least to get herself sorted out and calmed down. As soon as whatever crisis House needed my assistance in was averted, I was going to walk back into the house, demand that she sit down and explain herself to me and work out some way with her to fix this almighty mess we had landed ourselves in.
This couldn't go on. We had to put a stop to whatever the fuck was going on before there wouldn't be a 'we' anymore to fix this.
I would not let that happen. I would rather die than let that happen.
With a last look at the house and a deep sigh I finally stepped inside my car and drove off to the hospital, trying to get back into 'Doctor Cullen mode' before I scare the shit out of the hospital staff as well. I saw Garrett storming out of the main entrance as I reached the hospital, a murderous glare on his face.
"Garrett?" He stopped abruptly, growling at me as if he didn't quite know yet if I were a friend or a foe, before some kind of understanding dawned on his face.
"So I guess the bastard called you in as soon as he realized I wouldn't do his bidding anymore," he snarled, his hands balled up into fists at his side.
"What the fuck is going on?" I yelled back. "Why are you out here when apparently there's some fucking emergency going on?"
"Ask House," he hissed, narrowing his eyes at me. "And while your at it; ask yourself if you want to be working for a man like him."
What the fuck?
Before I could ask him anything else he had stormed off again, people parting like the Red Sea to let him through as he walked towards his car.
Strange. He wasn't even supposed to be here tonight. Kate and Irina had the graveyard shift last night. But if he had been called in like me because of some kind of emergency – though the quietness of the hospital made me doubt it – what the hell was he doing outside?
What had House done now?
Any chance of there being some kind of silent emergency evaporated as I entered the hospital, the inside being as quiet and virtually empty as the outside. I groaned to myself as I realized that House had lied to me. And it couldn't have been at a worse moment.
My anger resurfaced as the elevator rose to the floors that occupied the surgical department. How dare that bastard of a boss make up some kind of emergency just to see if I would come rushing to kiss his ass like the obedient lap dog he held me for? What kind of sick fuck was I because I did?
"House!" I growled, not caring about rules or codes of conduct as I threw open the door to his office.
Deserted.
"Where the hell is he?" I barked at his secretary, the woman looking slightly afraid – a change from the usual smugness – as I towered over her.
"D-didn't he tell you?" she stammered. "H-he's upstairs, trying to sort out the mess……"
"What mess?" I demanded, pinching the bridge of my nose as I tried to make sense of what the woman was saying.
"Ah, doctor Cullen, I've been expecting you," House's voice sounded from the doorway to the outer office. "Now if you'd be so kind as to stop scaring my poor secretary and join me in my office I'll explain."
"You've got then seconds before I walk," I growled, following him and taking a seat.
"Ohhh, feisty!" he grinned. "But then again…it seems to be all the rage these days."
"Explain," I urged, tapping my finger against the glass of my watch.
He sighed, suddenly looking like a real doctor for a change as he turned serious, his frame slumped forward as he leaned over his desk. "Doctor Denali almost killed a patient last night when she cut his LVAD wire. I've been on the phone with UNOS to try get them to give the go ahead for the operation even though they pretty much want to sue the hell out of us right now while keeping the powers that be from demanding too much blood in retaliantion. I can't say I blame them tough. I think you can imagine what this will do to the hospital's reputation. We could lose our accreditation over this…."
"What?" My fist slammed down on the table as I processed his words. "How the hell did this happen? Kate would never do something as stupid as that!"
"Apparently the Pussy Squad got into some kind of tiff about something. They must have both been PMS-ing like crazy or something…."
"Impossible," I huffed. I couldn't believe Kate would be stupid enough to throw away her career like that. She might have hated Irina but I had a hard time believing she would let the bitch get under her skin. She was stronger than that.
Stronger than me.
"You'd think that, huh?" House nodded. "If I had known it would end up like this…." He shook his head and as I looked at him I saw a much older man than I used to see. His blue eyes still piercing, but the smugness and amusement that usually shone in them gone. He knew he had been to blame for this.
So it was true. Kate had really cut an LVAD wire, thereby sending the poor guy into acute heart failure. It was something that went against every feeling a doctor should have, against the very oath we took.
First do no harm.
"How?"
"From what I gather some poor schmuck was wheeled into the ER with his heart still beating but his brains splashed all over the place. His AB Negative blood group making him a candidate for two of the more urgent cases we have…."
"Mr. Banner," I muttered.
"Yes, he was one of the two," House nodded. "The other one being a patient of Doctor Romanova's."
I sighed, knowing how close Kate had gotten to the kindly gentleman and his wife ever since she took over his case while I was on sick leave. He was one of those patients who had become almost like a family member after a while, especially since he had been in and out of the ICU for as long as we had been here. His health had been rapidly deteriorating over the last couple of weeks. His heart might have been pumping thanks to the machine we had him hooked up to, that didn't mean his body was any less fragile. Every one of us – House included – knew he wasn't going to hold out long without a new heart.
"Apparently Denali thought her patient had more right to the heart and decided to 'speed things up'," House added, both of us startled as the phone on his desk rang.
I tried to make some sense of the one-sided conversation that took place but, since House was doing most of the listening, that was easier said than done. "Great," he finally grinned, his eyes getting some of their smugness back, "thank you very much." He turned to me as he put the receiver down, his fingers tapping on the desk. "It seems we can go ahead with the transplantation after all."
"Banner is getting the heart?"
"Yes," he nodded. "It appears that the good people of UNOS have some wisdom between them after all and they've agreed to not let a good heart go to waste just because they are pissed at us." He rose from his chair, appearing once again as if nothing had happened. "Scrub in, Doctor Cullen. I expect to see you in OR 1 in half an hour."
xXx
I called my sister as I made my way over to the scrubbing area, hoping she would pick up and feeling guilty about asking something of her when clearly she was in over her head. It wouldn't keep me from asking this of her though, not after leaving my wife behind in the state she had been in (at least I thought so…).
Our conversation yesterday had been interesting and enlightening to say the least. After many failed attempts I had finally gotten her to open up about what happened with Jasper, a bullet she had been dodging ever since Christmas. It turned out she had returned home to find Jasper and all of his possessions gone without even as much as a note to tell her where. It had crushed every hope my sister might have had at a reconciliation, and it had crushed the poor little pixie along with it.
Watching my sister stumble over the words as she explained to me what had happened before finally breaking down and crying on my shoulder, made me want to kill the bastard who did this to her. Alice had been brought up so sheltered and protected that whenever things like these happened to her, they hit her hard. I wished I could have been there for her, protected her against the world and the evil of men, but I had been wrapped up in my own matters….I had failed her.
I had failed Bella and now I had also failed my sister.
Miserable excuse for a human being.
"Edward?" she yawned.
"You were still sleeping?"
"Of course, you dickhead!" she groaned. "It's nine o clock on a Sunday. Normal people are supposed to be asleep at this hour."
"Sorry for waking you up," I apologized, "but I have a favor to ask."
"Well, ask away." I could almost see her roll her eyes at her phone.
"Could you go over to the house to see if Bella is alright?" I asked. "We had a pretty rough night and I never intended to leave her but something came up and….."
"You chose the job over your wife." Alice finished my sentence for me.
I guess she was right. Even if it made me feel like more of a prick than I had been feeling already. "Basically, yes," I sighed.
"Idiot," she muttered before sighing deeply. "Well, okay. I'll go over to pick up the mess you made. It's not like I have too much on my plate at the moment anyway."
"Thanks, Ally," I sighed. "I owe you one."
"You owe me more than one," she snapped before breaking the connection.
They were just getting everything set up when I finished ridding myself of all bacteria and other nasty stuff from outside the sterilized confines of the Operation Rooms and I watched as they wheeled in the patient. He looked even more frail than he had when I last saw him, no more than a couple of hours ago, but that wasn't so surprising considering what he had gone through over the last couple of hours.
I shook my head, still trying to come to terms with what I had learned about how this man came to be here. As much as I wanted to understand why Kate had snapped (after all, if anyone knew the 'talent' Irina had for getting under people's skins it was me) I couldn't. I could understand how she had wanted to one-up Irina but she should never have done so at the cost of this poor man's health, and maybe even his life.
"Are you going to stand there all day, Doctor Cullen, or do you intend to assist me in giving this man a new heart?" House sneered, his usual sarcasm in place as his piercing blue eyes shimmered at me from across the room.
"Let's get this over with," I grumbled, assuming my place opposite from him.
"Ten blade." House's tone and face were focused as he snatched the blade out of the nurse's hand and made the incision. As much of an asshole as he was outside the OR (and often inside as well), when it came to performing surgery you could easily see how he had made it to the top. He might not be very much of an advocate for his patients or even have any interest in what happened to them once they regained consciousness, he would never back away from the challenge that especially the difficult procedures presented to him. He wanted to be the best and he wanted everyone to know that and stand in awe.
For the first time in years, however, I couldn't let his talent and skill justify the nasty sides of the man in front l
of me though. Not when it had destroyed my life and the lives of almost everyone I held dear.
"Why didn't you ask Irina to scrub in?" I growled, noticing for the first time how similar those two were. Both masters in the mathematics of self gain. Both only interested in skill and difficulty, never in the people behind the procedures. "You'd think she would be clamoring to do the honors."
"She was," House, replied, his concentration never wavering from what his hands were doing, "but the Board stepped in. They think Doctor Romanova isn't as squeaky clean in this case as she is picturing herself to be."
"And you think otherwise?" The people around us looked startled as I all but yelled at my boss in the middle of an OR. It was not done. It was like attacking the emperor in his own palace.
"I don't know," he shrugged as if none of this concerned him, "I did think she deserved a cookie for being good though."
"You make me sick," I hissed, shaking my head while trying to put my focus back on the task at hand, my resolve more clear than ever. A slight flutter in the gallery didn't escape my notice however and, as I looked up, I could just see Irina's retreating form standing out against the light of the open door.
The operation was tense. Mr. Banner, being barely stable enough to be operated in the first place, crashed twice before we were able to put the new heart in place and – especially that last time – it was hard to bring him back. We did though, and, as unstable as he still was, we were able to send him off to Recovery alive and with better prospects than he had going in.
"Good work, Doctor Cullen," House grinned as we made our way back to the scrubbing area to clean ourselves up. "We may be able to make a decent heart surgeon out of you yet!"
"I quit." The words were out of my mouth before I even realized, but they felt damn good none the less.
"What?" House looked as if someone had just kicked his puppy, his eyes nearly falling out of their sockets as he gaped at me.
"Garrett was right in everything he said to me earlier," I added. "If working at this hospital means I have to become like you – or run even the risk of doing so - then I want to stay as far away from this place as I can. Give your damn fellowship to Irina…she's worked hard enough to get there, even if it was at the cost of every single one of the students you were supposed to be taking care off." I let out a humorless snort, shaking my head at him as I said my final words. "The two of you deserve each other."
I didn't give him the satisfaction of presenting me with one of his witty comebacks but turned to leave before he registered my words.
I pulled my phone out of the pocket of my lab coat as I made my way to the locker room, the letters on the screen indicating that I had one new text message. I was unable to suppress a disappointed sight when I saw it was from Alice.
Please call me.
I dialed the number as I threw the stuff from my locker in an empty cardboard box I had found. She picked up on the first ring.
"How is she doing All?"
"I wouldn't know…." My sister's voice sounded hesitant as she answered me.
"Why the hell not?" I growled in the receiver. "Didn't you go over?"
"I did…." She stammered.
"Then what the hell is going on?" I dragged my hand through my messy hair, accidentally pushing the box from the bench it had been resting on in the process.
"She wasn't there, Edward," Alice muttered.
"What do you mean 'she wasn't there'," I snapped. "Did you look for her?"
"Of course I did, you numbnut!" she spat back. "What do you think I am? Stupid? The damn house was empty, okay?"
"What?" I gasped, knowing she must have planned this all along. "Did she….did she take anything with her?"
"I don't know," Alice replied in a timid voice. "I tried calling Rose to see if she was there to pick up the kids but there was no reply…..What the hell is going on Edward?"
"I think she left me," I whispered, sagging down onto the floor in a pile.
"What?" she yelled and I could picture her, a solid 4'10" of confusion, "It can't be…"
"It's true."
There was a long pause before she replied. "I'm sorry Edward," Alice answered and I could hear she was crying. "I didn't know it was such a big deal. If I had I would never have….."
"It's okay." I somehow managed to find the words to console my sister. "Look, I have to go….I have to find her." I broke the connection almost immediately, kicking the half filled box in a corner and fishing for my keys. I didn't bother making any more calls as I ran out of the hospital in my scrubs, stopping only when I had reached my Volvo. I Bella would never pick up if she had decided to leave me.
No. I would have to confront her directly if I wanted to have any hope of saving my marriage.
"I will fix this," I growled at no one in particular as I tore out of the garage and headed in the direction of the Upper East Side. If Alice had been right and the house had been empty there could be only one other place she would go – at least, if I wanted to push away the terrifying though that she had just disappeared.
xXx
Bella Cullen.
"I'm doing the right thing." I kept repeating this same mantra as I stashed some essentials into a suitcase, not caring if they were color coordinated or even slightly matching since where I would be going there would be no Alice to provide a critical eye.
I had forged my plan in the black of the night, knowing I needed to get away from all of this, to get away from him, but not knowing how I would manage. The sound of Edward's pager going off somewhere in the house, followed by just about every phone we had had been like sweet music to my ears – for once.
I felt like the worst kind of human being when I used Edward's sense of duty and his inability to refuse me against him.
I had to.
I knew he wouldn't even have thought about leaving his spot in front of my door otherwise. He would just have sat guard outside the room until I decided to come out, waiting patiently for whatever would come at him.
I couldn't face him, coward that I was. I had made up my mind and was more resolved than ever, but I couldn't muster up the courage to tell him. I couldn't see his reaction for fear of what I would see.
Pain….or would it be relief?
Satisfied that I had packed enough for myself to keep me going for at least a week I moved onto Libby's room and Masen's after that. I tried not to think about what I was doing. I tried not to think about how Edward would react when he found out I had taken the kids with me. I hoped that, given time, he would understand my need for them at this moment, but I knew it would be a tall order to ask for understanding.
It would only be for a couple of days.
Once this great big mess would diminish some and I would be settled somewhere with Libby and Masen there was nothing that would stand in his way of visiting his children. Sure, it would be the summit of awkwardness at first, but I would manage. I had to. I couldn't let my kids grow up without their father and I couldn't take his children away from him.
Not again.
My heart broke when I thought about the toll this was going to take on Libby. She had just grown accustomed to having her dad around and now I was taking him away from her again. True, it wouldn't be forever, but I knew it would be hard for her to get used to her dad not being around all the time. Still… nothing would be worse than having to get used to your parents yelling at each other or even being plain indifferent to each other's presence. I knew firsthand how that was and I would rather die than put my kids through the same thing.
"I am doing the right thing." A tear slipped down my cheek as I lugged the last suitcase down the stairs, not pausing to look at the home I had been so happy in – my present from Edward when we solidified our bond – as I dragged it outside and paused to lock the doors. The finality of my decision hitting me with an even louder bang than the echo the closing of the door caused to rip through the foyer.
I put the suitcase with the others in the boot of my car and got in, my attempts to get away severely hindered by the shaking of my hands. After three failed attempts I finally managed to start the car on the fourth go and started to pull out of the driveway, hoping my glassy eyes weren't going to have me end up in a car crash.
Still…how bad would it be? Wouldn't it be for the best if I just ceased to exist?
No.
Selfish and horrible as I was, I could never do that. Not to the kids, not to my family and not to Edward. Not now, not ever.
I finally managed to calm my nerves a little as I continued my drive to Rose and Emmett's apartment. I knew facing Rose was going to be hard since she was bound to start asking questions, but it would have to happen and I would have to make it through her interrogation. The outlook was good. She'd seen me in just about the same state countless of time and, since her x-ray vision didn't stretch as far as my car, she would never know what would happen after I would leave her place with the kids. There was no doubt in my mind that she wouldn't let me go if she knew.
Sammy was on the phone when I entered the building and I was glad for it since that was on 'are you doing okay' conversation I would be spared from, especially after yesterday. I made it through the foyer and into the elevator without anything happening this time and was just congratulating myself on that when the door opened in front of me, revealing a yawning and slightly frazzled Rose wearing a bathrobe and – hopefully – some kind of skimpy pajama underneath.
"Bella?" she yawned, "do you know what time it is?"
"Daytime?" I tried. I didn't exactly have time to watch the clock with everything that had been going on. All I knew was that the sun was starting to rise, so it was bound to be somewhere near eight AM.
"Too damn early," Rose growled, mumbling something under her breath which I took to mean that she had just fallen asleep again since my brother left for the gym. It was only when she looked up at me that she stopped her rant. "What the fuck is going on Bella?" she demanded, using her towering height to try and scare me into submission.
It wasn't working though. Not anymore.
"Don't. Cuss. When. My. Kids. Are. Around!" I hissed.
"I won't if you don't think that lying to them and everyone else who gives a shit is the right thing to do," she barked, narrowing her eyes at me. "Where's Edward?"
"At work."
"I thought he had the morning off?"
"He was called in," I replied, the first stirrings of panic starting to rumble in my chest. I didn't like where this line of questioning was going. Not one bit.
"Why?"
"How the hell would I know?" I snapped. "It's not like they give me hourly updates on the goings on at the surgical ward. And I just came here to pick up my kids, not to be subjected to a third degree."
"No," she growled, her eyes zeroing in on me. "You show up, in the middle of the fucking night, I might add, looking like you've spend the night in a dry ditch crying your fucking eyes out, instead of in your husband's arms and demand that I wake up the kids and scare the bloody crap out of them with the state their mommy's in." She took a deep breath, the room becoming silent for a couple of seconds, a silence I knew better than to break. "If you think I'm going to do that without you giving me a pretty damn good reason, you're even more stupid than I thought you were."
"Fine," I snapped, my anger overriding all my other senses. Who did she think she was to stand there all tall and model-like and pass judgment? It wasn't like she knew what I was going through. "Because I'm going away. I'm taking the kids and I'm going to get the hell out of here before all of this crap going on kills me!"
"What do you mean?" she muttered, looking utterly confused for a moment.
"I'm leaving Edward," I cried, the tiny layer of resolve I had smashing into pieces the moment I uttered the words.
"Oh no, you're not!" Rose's reaction startled me since it wasn't so much spoken as growled.
"Please, Rose," I sighed. "Just let me do this my way."
"Yeah right," she snorted. "Like I'm just going to stand by and watch you make the biggest mistake of your fucking life! No, thank you."
"You can't stop me, Rose," I said calmly. She might go on and on about how I was making a mistake and she was going to stop me but there was no way she was going to prevent me and my babies from walking out of here towards safety.
"Try me," she challenged, pushing me out of the way and slamming the door shut, snapping the locks in place just for good measure. "You're not going anywhere, sis, not if I can help it."
I had the feeling she was pretty damn serious as she stood there in front of the door, glaring at me with her arms folded in front of her chest.
"Get out of the way!" I hissed, my eyes scanning the room for other options. "I'm doing this Rose, whether you make it easy or hard for me."
"Bring it on, sister," she spat back. "If you think you can take me, show me what you've got!"
That was just the problem. I knew I couldn't take her. "Please?" I begged, feeling the panic starting to rise again as my only way out of this mess was suddenly cut off. "I can't stay here, Rose! I can't face him….not when I know he's going to leave me."
"Leave you?" Rose gasped. "What the fuck do you mean 'leave you'? Did those old book fumes go to your brain and fry whatever grain of logic was still embedded there? There's no way that guy is going to leave you. He's smitten. For life."
"Fine, then," I sighed. "I'm leaving him. For his own good."
"I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer," she snorted, fishing her cell out of the pocket of her robe and dialing a number before I could stop her.
"Please, God, Rose……no!" I gasped, my hand flying into my hair and nearly yanking it out at the root as I thought about the possibility of her calling him. "Please, don't call him….I can't face him right now!"
"Relax," she replied, waving me off before her attention went back to the little device at her ear. "Babe? You have to come home. Your sister has gone Cuckoo's Nest and is trying to do a runner." With that she snapped the thing shut again and was in front of me in the blink of an eye. "Come."
"What?"
"We're not going to stand here in the hallway arguing like a bunch of hysterical telenovella skanks. The couch is much more comfortable for that."
"But…."
She arched her eyebrow at me, her expression turning into mock once more. "You still think you're running away?" she snorted. "At least have the fucking decency to wait until your kids are awake….You can't just yank them out of bed and tell them mommy doesn't love daddy anymore."
"That's not it…" I mumbled under my breath.
I wish it was….I wish it could all be so simple as deciding not to love the love of your life anymore when you realized the two of you were as compatible as a lion and a lamb.
"Then tell me," Rose pleaded. Her anger had faded as soon as we had entered the living room and worry was starting to break through. She never let go of my hand as she guided me over to the couch and sat down next to me, one arm wrapped firmly around me – though I couldn't say if that was to give me comfort or keep me from making a dash for the door – while the other played nervously with the strings that tied her robe in place. "Seriously Bella, we all know you're struggling but we can't help if you won't let us."
"I don't…."
"You need help, Bella," Rose insisted. "You can't just threaten to run away from home like some unruly thirteen year old and keep insisting you're fine. Something's going on….something big….and I'm beginning to fear I played a part in it."
"It's just…." I could feel the walls starting to crumble as I tried to find the words. "I don't know….it feels like everything's so….fucked up and I……" I couldn't continue, all of the feelings I had kept bottled up over God knows how long came spilling out, making my whole body convulse like it was being exorcised.
"Let go, Bella," Rose whispered, holding me against her even in spite of getting snot on her expensive robe. "Let it all out…don't hold back."
"I can't take it anymore!" I cried. Now that the cat was out of the bag and I didn't feel like I had to be strong anymore it seemed like every strength had left me and I was reduced to a blubbering mess, held together only by the arms of my sister in law. I don't know how long we sat there, me crying and waling like some lunatic while Rose stroked my hair and whispered
"Mommy?"
"God no!" I gasped as a new round of sobs continued to wrack my body. It had been what I had most wanted to prevent. I didn't want Libby to see me cry. Not again. Not like this.
"Libby?" I could hear Rose ask, her chest vibrating with her words. "Why don't you go check if Masen and Charlie are up yet?"
"Is mommy okay?" she asked and I could hear by the tone of her voice she wasn't just going to be send off on some fool's errand.
"I'm fine sweetie," I managed to hiccup, knowing I wasn't going to convince anyone, "just a little upset." I took a deep breath, trying to steady my voice before I spoke again. "Why don't you go and do as aunt Rose asked and maybe when you're all awake and had breakfast we can go do something fun?"
"Okay," she replied, hesitantly and I knew she hadn't been fooled by my words. She wasn't the five year old anymore who would be cajoled with a simple explanation. She wanted answers.
I was saved by the sounds of Emmett, wrestling with the locks before he finally managed to make it into his own home. "What did you do, woman?" he boomed, his voice conveying a false lightness as his eyes tried to scan the situation. "Turn this place into Ford Knox?"
"Hush," Rose scolded. "You'd do much better to make yourself useful for a chance and take over while I go get the kids dressed." She leaned into me, before she got up from the car. "Talk to your brother, Bella, and be honest. He deserves a shot at helping you after all you guys have been through."
"Thanks!" I muttered as Emmett took her place while Rose tugged Libby out of the room with a promise to let her help get Masen and Charlie ready.
"So…." I could feel the movement of the couch as Emmett squirmed in his seat, uneasy as ever when situations got too emotional for comfort. "Care to tell me what the hell is going on?"
"Not really," I muttered, using the already soaked through sleeve of my sweater, "but I guess I do owe you an explanation."
"Damn straight," he nodded. He must have been dying to barge in and react but he just sat there calmly as he listened to my story, the only exception being when I told him about my conversation with Rose.
"Fuck, she shouldn't have done that!" he growled.
"Don't blame her," I urged, not wanting to drag Rose down with me into the mess I was in. "I told her not to say anything…"
"Still, she shouldn't have done it," he grumbled, turning his attention back to me. "So what are you going to tell Eddie?"
"Tell Eddie?" I gasped.
"You know," he nodded. "when you meet up with him to straighten out this mess the two of you have created."
"Don't make me go back," I cried. "I can't…"
"Don't stress, Bella," he soothed. "You know you and the kids can stay here for as long as you want. I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't deny the possibility of you and Edward finding a way out of this mess…..You can't give up like this, not when there's plenty left to fight for."
"But I don't know if I have it left in me to fight…" I whispered.
"I told you before, sis," he sighed. "I've got your back. I always had it and always will…no matter what I think."
"So you think I'm wrong?" I sobbed, hiding my face in his chest.
It was silent a long time before he answered, his silence confirming my suspicion. "I think you've dealt with an amount of crap that would bring even the strongest of people down."
"Thanks Em," I sniffed, looking up into his worried eyes. "Thanks for not judging me….and for being here for me…again."
"You have to let him know where you are, Bells," he sighed after a moment.
"No!" I yelled, trying to break free of his grasp, but he wouldn't let me. "I can't, Em! I can't face him!"
"You have to, Bella," he insisted. "Don't you know what it must be like for him when he gets home and finds the place deserted? He is the frickin' father of your children! He has a right to know where they are!"
I knew he was right but I also knew that if I spoke to Edward he would do everything in his power to get me to come back to him, or at least to get his kids back. I didn't have the strength to be strong anymore. I didn't have the strength to fight him. "But…"
"Look," he mumbled, cracking the knuckles in his fingers, something he did when he was completely stressed out, "I know that having you contact him right now isn't going to do squad to make this mess smaller so how about I give the poor bastard a call to let him know where you are while you catch up on some sleep and you call him as soon as you've rested some?"
"I don't know…." I didn't know what I wanted anymore. My mind was screaming at me in a language I could no longer decipher.
"Take it or leave it, squirt," Emmett interrupted. "It's my first and final offer."
"Okay," I sighed, hesitantly submitting myself to my brothers rules.
"Good," he nodded, lifting me up from the couch and carrying me to the guest bedroom where he helped me out of my clothes and into one of his t-shirts before tucking me into bed like he did that one time when I was five and he was nine and I had fallen out of a tree one day while mom and dad were out.
"Take this." He handed me a small white pill and a bottle of water. "It will help you sleep."
"Thanks," I mumbled, feeling myself drift into nothingness almost the second I had swallowed the little thing.
"Anytime sis," I could hear him say somewhere into the distance. "That's what I'm here for."
I snuggled into the blankets as I heard the door click shut, the warmth and comfort giving me a sense of security I hadn't felt in a long time. They still smelled like Libby.
They smelled like home.
xXx
Edward Cullen
The pounding of my heart was like a hummingbirds wings as the elevator crep far too slowly up to the floor of Emmett and Rose's apartment. I didn't know how I got there, how I managed to weave my way through traffic, parked the car and got in the elevator, all I knew was that as long as Bella was here and not on her way to God knew where with the kids I might be able to salvage something from this mess.
God, let her be there!
I didn't know what I was going to do if she was there though. It wasn't like I had ever made a contingency plan for when my sordid past would drive the woman I loved more than life itself away. Perhaps I should have, though, because with a past like mine it was bound to happen. Especially when that past involved crazy psycho's like Irina.
I saw her now for what she really was, the shroud that had blinded me lifted by this morning's events. She might have been able to act like a normal human being for the past couple of weeks, but that was all it had been. An act.
God, how stupid had I been! I had promised myself not to fall for her charms again and there I'd gone and done it again, meanwhile fooling myself with thought about how I was only being polite for the sake of the fellowship.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
While Kate, Garrett and I had been blinded by the golden future House had dangled in front of my eyes and did everything short of jumping through a burning hoop for the asshole, she had been working every bit as diligent behind the scenes, carefully chipping away at our weaknesses. She must have planned this to a 't', making sure her competition would be knocked out in time for the final decision, early in March, but not so soon that they could bring in new candidates to try out.
How well she had guessed my Achilles heel, the one thing that kept me sane and made my life worthwhile.
My family. My Bella.
She had destroyed it all. And for what? For a fucking job. Well, she could have it!
I took a deep breath, deciding that wallowing in my own misery wasn't going to solve anything as I brought my hand up to knock on the door.
I was a little startled when Emmett opened it. Being as busy as he was with the two gyms he and Felix owned it was rare to see him at home during the day. I could have known though. He would always be there when his sister needed him.
"Edward," he nodded, his face unreadable, not even in the harsh light of the landing.
"I-is Bella here?" I stammered.
"She is," he stated calmly. I still wasn't sure if he was just pissed off at me or hiding something.
"And the kids?"
"Yep," he nodded, pooping the 'p'. "My Rosie has taken them out for the day. Better not to have them disturb with all the shit hitting fan's and all."
"I see," I lied, fidgeting in my place not seeing why he was beating around the bush so much. It wasn't like Emmett to not come out and bluntly tell you what the hell was going on. Not unless what Bella had told him had made him so angry he had already decided to kill, maim or mutilate me. "Can I see her? I have to see her…."
"She's knocked out on sleeping pills right now," he sighed. "And even if she wasn't…I don't think it would be a smart move to have her talk to you right now. She's pretty out of it."
"God help me," I groaned. "I never meant for any of this to happen, you have to believe me, Emmett. If I would have known she would end up hurt like this, I wouldn't even have come near her."
"Is there something in the water at your place to make the both of you go all Cuckoo's Nest or something?" he growled. "Because you're sure as hell not making any sense to me."
"Look," I sighed, dragging my hand through my already messy and slightly greasy hair. "I know Bella doesn't want anything to do with me after what she has learned about my past – which I'm sure you know everything about by now – but…."
"Wait a minute," Emmett interrupted me, his eyes tightening as if he was trying to make sense of something. "You're saying this is all your fault?"
"I'm not just saying it," I growled, wishing he would just kill me and get it over with instead of standing here, debating on semantics. "I know it. I don't deserve Bella. Hell, I don't deserve to even breath the same air as she does, and she finally realized that too."
"You two really are two parts of the same piece, aren't you?" Emmett chuckled. "She told me just about the same thing earlier, except that she didn't think she deserved you."
"What?" I yelled out, making Emmett look behind him to the door of the guest bedroom and frown.
"Look," he stated calmly, "we could stand here arguing over who out of the two of you is the biggest dumbass but that won't get us anywhere. I could punch you, but I'm pretty damn sure you wouldn't put up very much of a fight right now and I don't make a habit of beating the crap out of people who want to be beaten up…." He sighed, glancing backwards once more. "Just give her some time. Let her straighten out some of this mess before she explains."
"But what about us, what about the kids?" I yelled.
"I wish I could give you an answer to that right now," Emmett sighed, "but the fact of the matter is that I don't know. All I know is that, as fucked up as Bella is right now, the last thing she needs is more drama to complicate matters."
"Are you forbidding me to see her?" I growled. "To see my own damn kids?"
"You know I would never do that," he spat back. "And no: I'm not keeping you from anything. As far as I'm concerned you're welcome to pick up the kids any time you'd like. All I'm asking is that you leave Bella in peace right now since I don't know how much more she can take before she does something really drastic and utterly stupid."
"Like what?' I gasped, all sorts of scenarios passing in front of my eyes.
"Did you know she intended to 'disappear' today?" he replied.
"What?"
"Sure thing," he sighed. "She had somehow gotten it in that thick skull of hers that she was keeping you from becoming some kind of miracle to mankind or something and that it would be best if she disappeared. Rose had to basically lock her inside to keep her from leaving."
"No," I whispered, only now realizing how close I'd come to loosing her forever. At least if she stayed at Emmett and Rose's for the time being I would know where she was. She would still be around and we might still have a chance.
"She needs to rest," he continued. "and she needs to do that at a place where she feels safe. I know she needs help on top of that, but I know it's going to be pretty damn hard to get her to admit to that. I'll do my best though and I'll make sure you get to see the kids and that she contacts you as soon as she's up to it. That's all I can do for you at the time being, I'm afraid."
"Thanks," I muttered, feeling both hopeless and hopeful at the same time.
"You know I'm rooting for ya and all, Eddie," he grimaced, no doubt seeing the destruction the last twenty four hours had caused, "but I'm her brother first and foremost, and I have to look out for Bella. I'll call you as soon as she wakes up to let you know how she's doing and I'll get Rose to call you as soon as she gets back so that you can talk to the kids."
"Thanks," I repeated as I turned to walk away, knowing that what I came here for was beyond my reach.
At least she was safe.
Safe and loved.
"I'll have Sammy hail you a cab," Emmett called after me.
"Don't bother," I mumbled automatically, "my car's parked just around the block."
"Humor me," he insisted, "you're in no fit shape to drive home. If you give me the keys Rose or I will drop the car off later.
I reached into my pocket and handed him the keys, not caring what would happen to my once so precious car. At this moment I couldn't give a damn about anything, not even about my own life.
There was no life without my Bella.
Next chapter will be up on Friday. I'll post a teaser for that one, plus a small spoiler from a chapter up ahead, on the twilighted boards as soon as they go up again. You can find a link to my story's thread on my profile page.