Thank you to panic-at-casualty for pointing out the typos in the last chapter xD! Honestly, I'm appalled at how bad I am at spelling at night. I proof-read it and everything and my brain still didn't pick up on them! Hopefully this chapter is better, but it's like two in the morning so I doubt it :D!

Shattered: Chapter 24

"Self-harm - the world will come at you with knives anyway. You do not need to beat them to it."
― Caitlin Moran, How to Build a Girl

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Cal rang the doorbell. His legs were shaking in anticipation as he waited, the flowers in his hand trembling along with him. He was full of nervous excitement about seeing Aero again. They'd talked on the phone last night for a considerable length of time and Cal wanted to surprise her this morning.

"It's open," came from inside, and Cal recognised that voice as Owen - Aero's brother and previously Cal's patient.

He walked through to the living room, disappointed to see no Aero there.

"Hey," Owen said from the sofa, pausing the television.

"Aero in?"

Owen looked at him, confused. "No. Is she expecting you?"

"Well, no. It's my day off and I thought I'd surprise her. I have flowers!"

Owen laughed, "she doesn't like roses. The flowers and the chocolates."

"Oh, what?" Cal sighed, his excitement bubbling down to almost nothing. "How are you, by the way? After your fall?"

"I'm fine. Just been sitting around really."

Cal nodded, satisfied with his answer. "Right, well. I guess I'll be off."

He went to leave, but Owen called him back.

"You're welcome to stay until she comes home. She didn't tell me where she was going but I'm sure she won't be long."

"Oh, I don't want to intrude..."

"Nonsense! 'Bout time I got to know my sister's boyfriend. After all, she's talked about you enough!"

Cal slumped onto the sofa. "All good, I hope."

"You wish, mate."

They both chuckled.

"So. Fast and Furious or Star Wars?"

"Star Wars. Every time," Cal smiled.

Ethan didn't think he'd ever get used to waking up in the quiet. He hadn't lived with Cal long, but he had become used to hearing him in the morning. Annoying at the time, strangely endearing now it had gone. And dare he say it, he missed it.

Unfortunately, he was jolted awake from another nightmare two hours before he was planning to get up. Seeing no need to go back to sleep, he slipped his glasses on and trudged to the bathroom.

Maybe a bath would help calm his thumping heart.

Ethan wanted to know what was so great about food. Everything tasted like cardboard (and he would know what cardboard tasted like, thanks to one of Cal's more imaginative dares when they were children) and all the textures made his mouth feel weird.

Despite all this, Ethan knew he had to eat. He made himself two slices of toast with jam and a cup of tea. No sugar, lots of milk. The tea was easy enough to drink, the toast was a different matter. By the time he had struggled through the first slice, the second had gone cold and absorbed the jam. Soggy and cold toast on an already nauseas stomach was not a good mix, and Ethan had to stop halfway through as his gags nearly traansformed into sickness.

But he allowed himself to feel content for eating this morning, and for the first time in a while, he hadn't heard thay horrid little voice in the back of his mind, reminding him of what a horrible and toxic person he was.

Maybe things really were looking up.

Three Star Wars movies and a lovely lunch later, came the opening of the front door. Cal whipped his head around and Owen paused the start of the next movie.

"Owen! I'm home!"

Cal smiled upon hearing his girlfriend's voice. Owen tapped him on the shoulder and motioned for him to hide behind the armchair in the corner.

Cal, feeling like a mischievous child again, hid as fast as he could.

"Hey, Aero! Good day?"

"The best," she said, and her footsteps growing louder told Cal that she had entered the living room.

"Had fun lazing about, I see?"

"Oooh, the best," Owen said cheekily, mocking his sister. "So, where exactly did you go?"

"Now now, brother. That would be telling."

"You planning on having another long chat with your boyfriend tonight, again? Keeoing me awake half the night?"

Aero laughed and Cal, sensing this was the right time, jumped up from behind the chair. Aero didn't jump or scream or anything.

Cal was fairly disappointed. "What?" he said when he spotted her looking at him like he was an idiot. "What did I miss?"

"I knew you were there, stupid. The roses on the table, the two plates as well. Not to mention I could see your head sticking out." She smiled. "Come here, you" she said, holding her arms out to hug him.

The day was average so far. He'd been put on minors and luckily none of them were too bad. Unlike Allie, none took a turn for the worse and unlike Allie, they were all discharged.

He'd had no breaches and no difficult patients and had even been praised by Mrs Beauchamp on his patient turnover rate.

Unfortunately for him, though, the underlying fear that he was going to mess up still knawed at him. It stopped him from being able to stomach lunch and he'd just settled on a banana instead. Coffee was also becoming a part of him, keeping him awake and alert. He still refused to acknowledge, even to himself, that these nightly terrifying dreams were something to be concerned about. So what if they kept him awake or made him terrified to sleep? He was coping.

He was fine.

Of course, Ethan would find it easier to believe if it weren't for the constant reminder that he had healing injuries. It had been a couple of days since he'd last hurt himself (okay so maybe he had to dig his nails into his palms earlier today when his patien collapsed because he was so useless in dealing with her) but the wounds were itchy and rubbing on his clothing.

Funny how unwelcome it was now.

But he was okay, of course he was. Only a couple of hours left of his shift and then he could see Allie and maybe even sit with her. Ethan had a good feeling about it and even dared to hope that she was awake.

With that same good feeling inside him, the end of his shift marked the time he could finally see how Allie was doing. He couldn't find it in himself to look forward to it exactly, but he was ready to see her. Hopefully awake and doing well.

He was still in his scrubs (he didn't want to delay any longer) as he made his way down the corridor of PICU. He spotted a man he recognised as the doctor who took over Allie's care, and walked up to him.

"Um, hello. Sorry to bother you, I'm Ethan Hardy -" he shook the doctor's hand "- I treated Allie Evans in the ED on Sunday. She was transferred here and I was just looking for an update on her condition?"

"Allie Evans?" the doctor said, as if the name had bee dragged from his throat.

Ethan nodded once. "Yes, that's right."

The man before him had a sad look in his eye and he looked at Ethan sympatheticly. "I'm so sorry to tell you this, Dr Hardy but... but she died yesterday afternoon."

Ethan stumbled back into a wall. "S-she's dead?"

"We did everyth -"

"I've got to go," Ethan rushed out. "I-I'm sorry. I've got to go."

He didn't turn back.