Chapter 25: Hey, or When the Drugs Wear Off

Sean

I grabbed the pet carrier from the back of Jay's car and shut the door swiftly. Ellie was already in the vet office checking in. "You're going to be okay, buddy!" I was talking to the cat. Now I'm crazy.

Ellie had called me up this morning, freaking out, because Dolce was acting weird. He wasn't eating, he was weak, losing weight... maybe he has a coke problem? I smirked to myself and opened the door to the office. I shouldn't be joking about it, though. Ellie's problem is serious. It's just sort of ironic how concerned she is about her cat when she has the exact same symptoms.

"They said that we should be able to get in soon. Here, let me see him." Ellie opened the carrier and picked the kitten up out of it's nesting spot. Dolce was limp in her grasp and she brought him to her chest and hugged him. "Poor thing," she whispered.

I gave the cat a scratch behind the ears for comfort. "He'll be okay, Ellie. Don't worry."

"I feel like this is all my fault. I don't take good enough care of them. Ugh! I'm such a horrible person!" Ellie kissed the cat's head and closed her eyes tightly after it gave a pathetic mew.

I brought a hand to her shoulder and squeezed if affectionately. "You're a great person. It's not your fault. He's sick. Things like this happen."

Ellie didn't buy it. She just stared straight ahead and hung onto Dolce.

"Ellie Nash?" A man appeared from a door with a clipboard in his hand.

Ellie and I both stood up and walked towards the vet. His name tag read Dr. Harvey Kick I took the cat out of Ellie's hands and handed him over to Dr. Kick.

"Hmm... he seems a bit lethargic. Has he been sleeping a lot? Inactive?"

Ellie nodded. "He won't eat. And I try to get him to play, but he just won't. Please, he has to get better."

I wrapped an arm around Ellie's small frame and pulled her close to me as the vet placed Dolce on the table and examined him.

"Hmm... I'm going to run a few tests on him. To be frank, he could be anemic, he could have cancer, or there's always the possibility of diabetes."

Ellie gasped when he said cancer and I instinctively pulled her even closer to me. The blood had drained out of her face and she placed a shaky hand in front of her mouth.

Dr. Kick picked Dolce up, "I'm going to keep him here for a few days to monitor him while the tests are done. We'll find out what's wrong with him. Don't worry."

I thanked the vet and helped Ellie out to the waiting room to check out. We set a time to come back and get Dolce and went back out to the car.

"Seriously, Elle. Don't be scared. Dolce is going to be fine, he's a strong cat."

"He's only a kitten," she moaned and her head fell in her hands. Man, she's really beating herself up over this.

"It's not your fault. Stop acting like it is," I hoped my words would comfort her, but they didn't. She just raised her head and looked out the window the rest of the drive back to my apartment.

"Where are we going?" Ellie finally asked as we neared my place.

"I thought you'd want to come back and keep me company." So I can watch out for you.

She shrugged and leaned her head back against the window. "Whatever."

"Don't sound too excited or anything," I joked, trying to lighten the mood. She didn't respond.

After five more minutes of slow and excruciating silence, I pulled up to my apartment complex. Ellie threw the door open and stomped out. Oookay... I know that Dolce could be really sick and everything, but it's a cat. It's not the end of the world.

I didn't realize I said that last part out loud.

"What!" she turned and around and hissed at me.

"It's not the end of the world," I repeated.

Her eyes narrowed into slits and she got in my face. "Next time you think about saying that, think about Charley having cancer and see how you feel."

"Don't even bring up Charley. I had him for a long time. Much longer than you've had-..."

"You gave me Dolce and Gabanna, Sean. They're special to me. I love those little guys. They're the only things I have right now."

My heart sank and I reached out for her hand. "You have me." She pulled her hand away and faced the door.

"Let's just get inside. I want to lay down."

I unlocked the door and let her inside. She immediately went towards the bedroom and closed the door softly behind her. I threw my keys onto the table and plopped down in front of the TV. New, news, news, boring, boring, cartoon... I could go for a classic episode of Looney Tunes right now. I set the remote back on the little table next to my chair and laughed as Road Runner, once again, foiled the Coyote's plan.

"I always felt bad for the coyote."

I turned my head and saw Ellie shyly coming towards me. "But he's the bad guy!"

She shrugged and kneeled down next to my chair. "He's so persistent, though. He tries so hard and never wins. He's the underdog."

"You're nuts, kid." I took a hand and ran it across Ellie's crooked ponytail. She smiled and scooted closer to the chair so she could rest her head on my lap and watch the TV at the same time. And we just sat there for hours: watching TV, arguing whether or not Tweety deserved to die (Ellie thought so), and me assuring Ellie that Dolce would be fine.

"He'll be fine."

"I feel like I'm being punished with everything that's happening lately. First my parents, now Dolce? What else?"

I concentrated on whether it was the light or if Ellie's hair was really that shiny. "Why would you be punished? You're not a bad person. Unless... you're hiding something."

I'm going out on a limb. Maybe, just maybe, Ellie will confide in me, tell me about her secret relationship with cocaine. Maybe I can get it out of her if I seem like I'm willing to listen. I just want her to confide in me so I can help her out in the open.

I flipped the station to see what else was on, and, as if it were an omen, a news reporter was talking about the death of a teenaged boy from an overdose on ecstasy. Damn. I kept the program on to hear the details.

"... the boy was found by his brother in his room. The boy had gone out the night before to a party and had not been seen until this morning. Police believe the boy took the drug at the party, came home, and overdosed in his bed..."

I glanced down at Ellie's form, but she didn't even flinch. Man, this would be harder than I thought. I turned the television off and set the remote down. "I can't believe that kid just died from drugs. I don't understand how someone can do drugs while knowing the consequences. It just seems... so wrong. It's like... suicide or something."

She didn't say anything. She just kept her head in my lap and her eyes on the blank television in front of her.

I went on. "I knew a kid back in Wasaga who was really into drugs. I think it was speed. He was messed up. Now, he can't even talk right, his brain is so fried. He's brain damaged because he wanted to feel some sort of high."

Wow. Can I sound anymore self-righteous? Please let Ellie say something before I go on and make myself want to puke even more.

She didn't.

"If I found out someone I knew and cared for was doing drugs, I don't know... I guess I'd help them. I can't get mad because what's the point of getting mad? It's not going to make things any better. I'd just be there for them and help them get through it. That's all."

"You wouldn't be mad?" Ellie lifted her head and looked me dead-on.

Here we go. "Well... I'd be a little mad. I mean, if it was someone I really care for. I'd be disappointed most of all. I'd be very disappointed."

"Oh."

And that was it. She didn't even say anything else. Had I said something wrong? I thought I had been saying all the right things- so why wasn't she admitting it to me? Maybe... maybe I'm just being nosy and puritanical? I mean, Ellie's been doing this for how long? Okay, I don't know the answer to that, but she's probably done it before. Meaning that she knows what she's doing and what can happen. And plus, she's a really smart girl- she's probably careful. I'm sure of it.

So maybe I should just leave it alone?

Ellie

I waved goodbye to Sean from my front door and stepped inside. Home sweet home... I almost expected my mom to come out of the living room or kitchen and ask me where I've been... But she didn't. Because, obviously, she's not here. The lights are all off, the house is silent, and, once again, I am alone. But I should be grateful because I haven't wanted to deal with my parents for awhile now. Now I can have a peaceful night at home without my mom or dad breathing down my neck, begging me to forgive them, begging me to talk to them, or to get help, or to tell me if I've cut today.

Whatever. I don't even care anymore that they're separated. Who cares? Really. Who cares? There's nothing I can do about it, they're not in love, they hate each other, and it's all my fault. Those are the facts, they're not going to change. So, I just have to learn to accept it and live with it.

I grabbed onto the banister and slowly made my way up the stairs. Gabbana came running out of my room, meowing. "Hi, Gabs," I scooped down and picked him up, bringing him under my chin and nuzzling the top of his head. "Dolce has to stay at the vets for awhile, sweetie. But I promise he'll be okay."

I set Gabbana on my bed and took a seat, myself. I think life would be so much better if I had never been born. Seriously. It would. I slid down my bed until I reached the floor and leaned back, reaching my hand underneath the bed for my box. At least this is something I can count on. It'll always make me feel better.

I hungrily dumped the contents of the box on the floor and set up a few lines. After doing five lines I rested my head on the floor and looked at the bag. There was only a little left. I should just finish it off now and then I could go and get some more tomorrow. I might as well. I poured more and more lines from the baggy until it empty.

"Shit!" I cried out to no one in particular after snorting a huge line. My nose felt like it was being stabbed over and over. I felt a warm liquid sliding down, and I knew I was bleeding. "Shit! Fuck! Fuck!"

I ran over to my desk, keeping my head tilted back, and reached for the box of tissues. I grabbed a handful and stuffed them up to my nose. I paced back in forth in my bedroom, waiting for my nose to stop bleeding, waiting for someone to just walk in on me, waiting for someone to find out, waiting for answers, waiting for some kind of feeling to come over me so I don't feel numb anymore.

I couldn't even feel the tears sliding down my face, but I saw them. My face tingled from being so numb and I kept poking at my cheeks to feel something in my face. I heard a door slam downstairs, and I knew my mom had just returned. I poked my head out of my room and looked down the stairs at her taking her coat off and putting it up. She turned around and must have felt my presence. "Hi, Eleanor."

She didn't even notice that I was standing there, bleeding, in front of her- waiting for her to come up and comfort me and tell me everything will be okay. That sooner or later I won't need drugs to feel something.

"Mom?" I choked out. I sounded pitiful.

My mom pinched the bridge of her nose and continued to walk away. "Not now, Eleanor," she responded, sounding tired.

I retreated back to my bedroom and locked my door. My hands clenched and unclenched as my heart starting to race. I ran over to the mirror and looked at it. The bleeding had stopped. I threw away the bloody tissues and scratched at my arm. It itched so much, it felt like something was crawling on me.

"Argh!" I took a candle off of my dresser and threw it against the wall, watching as it floated down to the floor. It was floating. "Woah," I whispered as I inched my way towards it as if continued to swing back and forth on its way down. I put my hand out to touch it, but it kept moving just out of reach. I leaned forward even more and grabbed at it, but felt nothing. And then everything went black.

"Ellie! Are you up for school?"

My eyes fluttered open. Where am I? I lifted my head a little and looked around. Oh. I was in my room. I heard the doorknob jingle and my face snapped towards the door. "I'm up!" I called out irritably. Jesus, couldn't she leave me alone for one second?

"Fine!" my mom responded, just as irritably. I think her and my dad are getting a little fed up with my attitude. They can go to hell.

I struggled to get up off of the floor and sighed heavily. I need to get a shower, get dressed, make sure all my homework is...

My lip quivered. Homework. Homework. Homework. Did I have homework last night? I chewed on my bottom lip and looked around me. There. There's my backpack. I rushed to it and unzipped it. Please, please, please tell me I didn't have homework. I couldn't have had homework because I didn't do it. I ripped my planner out of the backpack and flipped through it like a mad woman.

Oh God... I slid down the wall and rested against it. I did have homework. I didn't do it. I looked at the planner once again. Maybe I was hallucinating the entire thing.

Homework- Study for math test

- Creative Writing Log

- Report "Hazing and the Media's View On It"

Chemistry quiz

- Practice Piano

I wasn't hallucinating. It was real. I had forgotten to do my homework. What am I

supposed to do? Am I supposed to go up to my teachers and say I didn't do it? There goes my perfect GPA, my academic standing, my reputation... Why hadn't I started on this homework earlier? I can't even remember getting the assignment for the report on the media and hazing. I don't ever remember getting assigned that. And do I really have a math test today?

My face crumpled and I pushed my cheek against the wall. God. I'm such a mess. Why didn't I do it? My body heaved with sobs as I burst into tears against the wall. How am I supposed to go through today? You need a little pick-me-up. My eyes opened, and I wiped at them with my fists. That's right. I just need to feel better. Then I'll be able to get through the day just fine.

I reached for my box underneath the bed, but it wasn't there. I looked around. Oh, there it is. I managed to crawl over it and look inside. It was empty. What! I picked the box up and turned it upside down, shaking. Why is it empty? I picked up the small bag from the floor and looked at it. There's none left. Where did it go?

My mind started racing, and I tried to think back to the night before. I came home, came upstairs, snorted a few lines, decided to do the... rest... Damnit! I picked myself up and stood in the middle of my room. Okay. Okay. Okay. I can do this. I can go through the day without it. I'll be fine.

"Ellie? Where's your article for the Grapevine?" Liberty ran up to me, obviously frazzled.

"What!" I snapped. She has got to be kidding. Since when was there an article due for the Grapevine?

"Don't talk to me like that. You knew you had an article due today. Where is it?"

"I didn't do it," I admitted.

Liberty raised an eyebrow, rather smugly, I might add. "Oh. And why not?"

I sneered at her tone. Does she really think she's someone special? That she's so smart? She's mistaken that I'm the smartest girl in school, and she'll always be second best. Not anymore. You forgot to do your homework, remember? Ugh! That's it. I've had enough of it. "Because I quit the Grapevine!" I retorted and spun on my heel. There. Let's see her put out the Grapevine without me.

It wasn't until I reached the end of the hallway that I realized what I had just done. My heart beat furiously, and I steadied myself against the locker next to me. Did I really just quit the Grapevine? Oh well. Who needs it anyway?

I do.

I shook my head forcefully and continued on my way. I was already going to be late for class. Great. The bell rang and I let out a frustrating groan.

"Ellie? Do you have a pass?" Mr. Simpson came up to me.

"Does it look like it?" I shot back at him.

His eyebrows rose in surprise. "Excuse me?"

"What? Are you deaf? I don't have one." I tried to push by him but he blocked my way.

"Are you okay, Ellie? You weren't at the yearbook meeting this morning either... Is something going on?"

What yearbook meeting? I racked my brain for any reminder of a yearbook meeting, but couldn't find one. He's such a liar. There was no yearbook meeting. He's just trying to make you look stupid. "Nothing's going on except you insulting my intelligence by lying and telling me I missed a meeting. I don't miss meetings, Mr. Simpson. So back off."

Mr. Simpson's mouth fell open in shock. And anger. "That's it. I'm going to take you to the guidance office and-..."

"The guidance office?" I repeated. "Why do I have to go to the guidance office? Everyone else goes to the principal's office. Am I just special? Or do you think I'm crazy? Is it because I cut? Is that why you're taking me to the guidance office?"

"No! I just-..."

"That is why you're taking me. Well, I'm not going. Stay the hell away from me." I ran down the hall, ignoring Mr. Simpson's pleas for me to come back and talk to him. I dodged into the bathroom.

Who cares about first period anyway?

My fingers shook as I pressed down on the keys. The wrong keys. This piano lesson is going to shit. I can't even play a single note right. I blinked my eyes and tried hard to focus on the blurry music book in front of me. I can't even read it.

"Ellie?" Miss Beeker gave me a concerned look.

I stopped playing and bit my lip. Great. Now she's going to ask me what's wrong and how am I supposed to answer that? I can imagine the conversation now. Oh, sorry Miss Beeker. I had a rough night yesterday evening because I snorted a little too much coke. But I promise I won't do so much next time.

"Nothing," I muttered. Why am I so angry today? My level of stress has completely skyrocketed.

"Please tell me. You're playing like... like... crap! This isn't like you."

"I didn't practice. Happy?"

"You didn't practice? You always practice."

"Well, I didn't this week. Face it. I'm not fucking Mozart."

She flinched and gave me a shocked look. "I never asked you to be Mozart. Ellie-..."

What a liar. "You didn't?" I laughed bitterly. "Of course you did! Everyone expects me to be the best at everything. It doesn't matter what's going on in my life, I have to be the best."

"I think you put that pressure on yourself, Ellie..."

"Don't talk to me like I'm some mental patient. I'm a teenager. Don't give me any of your psycho-babble shit because I don't want to hear it."

Miss Beeker grabbed the phone off her desk and started to dial in a number. "Ellie, I think you need to go see Ms. Sauve."

"NO!" I shouted, knocking the piano bench over as I stood up. "You can't make me! I don't want to talk to her. I hate her!"

"Ellie-..."

"I hate her! I hate you! And I hate the fucking piano!" I screamed.

"I'm calling your parents!" I heard her call out as I ran out of the room and down the hallway. I don't care, though. I'll be long gone before they can do anything about it.

I don't know where I'm going. I have no idea how I'm going to get to where I'm going. I'm just... going... I threw a change of clothes, a toothbrush, and other necessities into a backpack and zipped it up. I'm set. Gabbana circled around my ankles and I gave him a tearful kiss goodbye. I wish I could take him with me, but I can't. He needs to stay here with his food, a nice bed, and all his toys. "I love you," I whispered to him and shut the lights off.

So this is goodbye. Goodbye to my room, goodbye to my friends, my family, my life as I know it. It's time to move on and get over everything that's holding me down here. I'm worth so much more than this life. I can be... I can be in freaking Hollywood or New York right now writing award-winning plays or directing box-office hit movies. I could be making tons of money right now instead of living off of mommy and daddy's salaries. I could be on my own. I wouldn't be hanging on to the hope that mommy or daddy might be coming home soon or anything like that because I'd know that I'm really alone this time. For real.

I took the path through my woods to leave. The woods takes you all the way out to the highway. From there I can make my way to the bus station and buy a ticket to somewhere. The sky grew darker as I made my way through the maze of trees and small cliffs. It's probably going to storm pretty soon, but I don't care. It'd match my mood. Oh God, did I really just say something that cliche?

I really did it today. I succeeded in ruining my life. I didn't do my homework, I told off my teachers, I quit the Grapevine... I've been working on killing my friendships for awhile now. I barely talk to any of my friends. I've slowly withdrawn from the social scene and into my own little world. And, you know what? I'm fine with that. Really. So who cares if I don't have any friends or a family or anything, I'll figure it all out once I get away.

I can see it now. I'll take a bus to somewhere in the United States. Then I'll head out to... I think I'll go to New York first. Yeah. And I can get an apartment. A really nice apartment. I'll decorate it with expensive paintings, a huge TV, a great stereo, I'll add onto my CD collection... my CD collection... I didn't even bring my CDs with me. They used to be one of my most prized possessions... and I didn't even think about them. Instead, I brought enough money to get me a ticket and another fix.

Tears sprang to my eyes as I just realized the choice I had made. Oh well... I'm not really into music anymore anyways... It means nothing to me now. I swallowed my tears and kept on walking. Okay, so I'll also get a new pet. And then, when I have enough money and I'm famous and everyone's forgotten about me, I'll go back home and get Dolce and Gabbana. Oh God, I don't even know if Dolce will be alive when I come back. What if he does have cancer? Who's going to pay for his treatment? Sean sure can't...

My fingernails dug in my palms, and I tried to force the image of my two little kittens out of my head. Okay, well this time I'll get a bunny. And I'll get a leash for it and take it out on walks in Central Park. Maybe in a few years I'll call Marco and Sean and have them come down to visit me. We'll have so much fun. We'll go out to the bars and clubs and eat in posh restaurants. Marco and I can go shopping and Sean and I will take a romantic carriage ride. Or just a carriage ride minus the romance.

I reached the bus station after another two hours of walking. Normally it wouldn't take me this long, but lately I've just become so sluggish. I'm not as fast as I used to be. I let out a relieved sigh when I reached the ticket window. Was it a relieved sigh... or was it more worrisome? Whatever, I'm here now. There's no turning back.

"A ticket to... to..." I tried to get the words out. Come on! Say anywhere in the United States. You can do this. But can I? Can I really leave home? And everyone I care about? How am I supposed to even survive on my own? Isn't that what I've been doing all along and hating every second of it?

"Are you okay, miss?"

"Yeah... I, uh... never mind."

I stepped away from the ticket window and stood still. Without even thinking about it, I reached for my phone and punched in a number. It's a number I've called before when I've been in a jam. I know were not close or anything, but I also know he won't let me down.

"You have got to be kidding me..." his grating voice spit out.

A tear slid down my face. Had I really almost left him? He was the most annoying, most vulgar, most horrible person on the planet, and, yet, I still cried at the thought of never hearing his dumb voice again. "Come pick me up, stupid," I choked out tearfully.

There was a pause.

"Are you okay?" he asked softly. Emotionally.

"No," I confessed. "I'm not!"

"Where are you? What are you doing? What's wrong?" His questions came out right after the other and I didn't have enough time to answer all of them.

"I'm at the bus station."

"I'll be right there."

Jay

I dialed a number as I pressed my foot down on the gas pedal. It would take me another

ten minutes to get to the bus station and there's no time to stop. But I can at least tell him what's going on.

"Yo. What's up?"

"Sean, it's Ellie."

"What?" his voice was urgent, concerned, scared, all of the above. He really cares for her.

And so do I. Horrible as it is to admit it, she's become an actual friend. Just thinking that made me feel all warm inside. But not in a good way. In a "I'm a total wussy" kind of way. "She just called me. I'm picking her up at the bus station. She sounds upset."

"Come get me."

"I can't. I'm almost there. I'll bring her to your place, though, okay?"

"Hurry. Please."

I pressed the "end" button and threw my phone down on the seat next to me. Whatever it is, it better be good. She better not be pulling one of her drama queen acts again. I don't know what I'd do if I found out I had been all worked up over some temper tantrum. I pulled into the bus station and saw her sitting on a bench by herself. People were rushing about all around her, but she didn't even seem to notice. She looked so out of place in her pigtails and large hoodie that read "ARMY".

"Ellie!" I jogged towards her, cupping my hands around my mouth so my words would reach her better.

Her head snapped up and she burst into tears at the sight of me. I stopped in my tracks. This is more serious than I thought. I started towards her again as she sat on the bench still, shaking with every sob. Nobody around her seemed to notice that a little girl was breaking apart in front of them.

"Shh! I'm here. I'm here," I kneeled in front of her and cupped her face with my large, rough hands. "What's wrong?"

"I tried to, but I couldn't! I couldn't leave!" she shook her head and leaned forward to hug me.

I rubbed her back and frowned. I don't really know what to do in situations like this. Alex has never broken down in front of me like this. Nobody has. I'm not the person people normally run to when they have a problem. People don't confide in me or let me in or anything like that. I've never felt wanted or needed like I do now.

"Hey, it's going to be okay. Come on. Let's get you back."

Before I could start the car, Ellie's hand reached out and grabbed my wrist. "Stop," she whispered.

I looked over at her in the dark and watched the shaking of her lips. She's nervous. She's nervous about something. She looked towards me and her eyes glittered in the dark with tears.

"What?" I whispered back.

She cleared her throat a bit and wiped at her cheek. "It's just... I... I have to get something off my chest. And I don't think I can tell anyone but you..."

Her voice trailed off, and the look she was giving me seemed to ask me if I understood. No. I don't understand. I don't understand how someone like her- someone who seems to have the perfect life- can complain about her life so much. I don't understand why she feels I can help. But now I do understand why Sean worries about her so much. It's because there is something wrong. Seriously wrong. And I think I'm going to be the first person to find out what it is. And then maybe I can start to understand how someone like her, someone who seems to have it all, can be so unhappy.

Okay, so a lot of stuff happened this chapter. Ellie dealt with withdrawel , cravings, and she's become more despondent. I tried to show the constant conflict she's having and the paranoia, but I don't know if I did that so well. I tried to do that last chapter, too. I don't know if I'm going to have Ellie tell Jay and then Jay tell Sean right away or not... I'm a little lost on where to go next but I thank PsychoJo for giving me the idea of her telling Jay. I was playing around with that idea in my head, but I didn't know whether or not I should go for it. Obviously, I am. Okay, well, I'm babbling now. Hope you enjoyed the chapter!