(Yes, I know he/she messed with the disclaimers, but that's no reason to stalk him/her! ...You're the universe, it's not like he/she could get away in the first place. ...You leave his/her sanity alone! He/She's a loyal reviewer! ...Look, just do the disclaimer already...)
I do not own the Legend of Zelda. On the other hand, I do own American Dragon. And that graphics change was weird.
(Agreed. I don't think I minded the people so much, but you can't change the entire physique of his dragon form and not explain something. That, and the transformation sequence. ...Strange.)
"... And do you have any idea how much all of this is going to cost to rebuild?!" Zelda ranted. The group of Links, Steam in the lead, shuffled sheepishly.
"Housing alone is going to be a fortune! And not to mention there's a sudden overload of random Spirit Tracks everywhere, and we can't even remove them because they're sacred! And there's that wreck you left when you smashed the Demon Train into a cliff, which just so happens to be right in the middle of a very important trade route, and there's a lack of building materials because you smashed all the forest, and now the Rabbitland Rescue Man is suing because you ran over his Haven and there are rabbits everywhere!"
As if to punctuate her words, a rabbit that was usually only found in Snow Realm nonchalantly hopped over Steam's foot and nibbled on a convenient grass clump. Red let out an odd squee noise and promptly began cuddling it. Steam, and all the other Links, winced.
"And I spent so much time finding those things..." Steam lamented
"...In our defense," Wind offered quietly, "we did save Hyrule from destruction."
"You ran the Spirit Train through the Town Hall!" Zelda hissed.
"...Mostly," Wind amended.
"Zelda, I was the one driving, it was my fault," Steam said. "Blame me, not them. Would it help if I chipped in on the funding?"
"Well someone's going to have to," Zelda said, finally seeming to calm down somewhat. "We're going to have to buy overseas for all our materials until the forest you ran over grows back in about a century."
Steam winced again and began mentally calculating how many Rupees he would need to pay.
It was a lot.
"Excuse me for one second," he told the Princess before whirling around and dragging the other Links into their usual huddle.
"Can I borrow some cash?" he said. The rest of the group stared at him.
"You just said it was your fault," Mask protested. "That means you're funding."
"I don't have that much money!" Steam shot back. "Besides, we're all Link here, right? Help a brother out."
"...Logic," Sketch cursed as he pulled out his wallet. Wind, Speck, Green, Vio, the Four, Gen, and Realm, being a few of the more accommodating Links, all followed suit. And then proceeded to glare at the rest of the group.
"What?" Lore said defensively to his co-leader. "His Train, his problem."
"We were on that Train too," Gen reminded him sternly. "And we had a part in bringing Malladus down during the fight. We're just as guilty as he is."
"Shouldn't you have a ton a Rupees by now?" Red asked, looking up from the rabbit. "You've been on four adventures already, that ought to add up."
Lore tried to glare at the smaller Link, but abruptly got confronted with the surprisingly accurate image of an adorable puppy instead. The fact that there was a fuzzy rabbit involved wasn't helping either, despite how he felt about rabbits. They were still cute.
"...Yeah, fine, whatever," Lore grumbled as he pulled out his substantially-bigger-than-the-rest wallet. And at that, everyone left in the group chipped in.
Steam flashed a smile before turning back to Zelda. "Okay, this is all the money that I (in an extended manner of speaking) have. Will it help?"
Zelda stared at the small mound of crystals Steam was holding out to her. "...Yeah. That'll definitely help." She took the bag with careful hands and smiled. "Sorry about that outburst, I just... I don't like Malladus. Hearing he was back shook me up a bit."
"I can imagine," Ocarina said sympathetically. "Having your body stolen can't have been easy."
Zelda looked at him curiously, and a little bit startled. "How do you know about that?"
Ocarina blinked. "Ste- er, Link told me. Why?"
Zelda slowly turned her head towards Steam, who was slowly backing away towards the rift. "You told people about that?"
"There was a bonding exercise!" Steam protested. "It was part of my adventure, why shouldn't I tell it?"
"Because," Zelda said, advancing on Steam equally slowly, "I forbid people to talk about it! It makes me uncomfortable!"
"When did that happen?!" Steam cried. "You left me to guard the hole, remember? How was I supposed to know when a new law came into effect?"
Zelda, however, latched onto a new facet of the conversation. "Guarding the hole? Don't make me laugh! You disappeared the very next day! And look what happened! MALLADUS CAME BACK!" The Princess was very intimidating at this point, despite the fact that most of the group was in fact taller than she was.
"I... was... fixing it?" Steam offered weakly.
"Dude, apologize!" Blue hissed into his ear. Zelda, who was still advancing, let out an angry screech. Steam promptly decided to take his friend's advice.
"I'm sorry, okay?! It won't happen again!"
Zelda abruptly calmed down and flashed a sunny smile at him. "Okay. Thank you for the Rupees."
And with that, the native Princess of Hyrule left, calling over her shoulder that Link (Steam) ought to introduce her to his friends sometime.
The Links stared.
"...You may have understated her personality a bit," the Four said, having decided there was a safe amount of distance between them and anyone not used to their speech quirk.
"Most of the time she's cool..." Steam replied, attempting to explain. "I guess I got used to her, what with all the traveling together we did."
'Anyone else glad our Zelda isn't like that?' the red member of the Four asked his other selves. They agreed wholeheartedly.
"So now we're broke, have an insiders look at the native Princess' emotional issues, and have completely wrecked the entire country," Lore summarized. "Anything else we want to do here?"
The rest of the group shook their heads.
"Alright then," Lore decided. "Let's go put another villain back in his place."
And so the Links, once again, passed through a hole to the world on the other side.
HE BROKE MY HORNS! Malladus wailed. As a point of fact, the self-proclaimed Demon King was actually furious. He was merely currently bemoaning the damage to his appearance.
Not that it mattered inside of Demise's head, but it was the principle of the thing.
Well he stabbed me in the eye! Demon Vaati snarled. I don't see what you're complaining about!
I got shot with Light arrows, Malladus countered. Easily as painful as an eyeball stab. So I have every right to complain!
It was worth noting that neither Demise nor Hyrule Ganon was paying attention to the ongoing argument. Demise had simply given up on caring long, long ago, while Hyrule Ganon was in fact asleep.
It was also worth noting that neither Malladus or Demon Vaati particularly cared about this second point.
Like that even matters, Demon Vaati hissed. You failed. Failures have NO right to complain!
By that logic, you are also not allowed to complain, Malladus pointed out innocently-or rather, as innocently as a demon could get. Predictably, this made Demon Vaati rather angry.
I WILL SLICE YOU TO PIECES! He shrieked.
And then Hyrule Ganon woke up. At the same time, Demise decided to pay attention on the grounds that it might be entertaining. The result was Demise eating salted peanuts and somewhat avidly follwing a three-way brawl inside his mind involving a tornado, flaming meteors, and a trident that for some reason thought it was a boomerang.
All it needed, he mused, was an excited announcer and the opening of "Settle it: In SMASH!"
"...Are we sure Demise is the threat to Hyrule?" Nayru asked her sisters as they gaped at the disaster zone that used to be Spirit Tracks Hyrule.
Din shrugged. "Hey, at least he paid for it. And apologized. Kind of."
"At this rate, Courage may actually destroy Hyrule before he gets around to saving it..." Farore groaned. Din rubbed her back.
"Look on the bright side. At least now there's not much for Demise to destroy once he gets around to it."
"That's not helping," Farore mumbled, burying her head in her hands.
"Hey, I think this is my Hyrule," Realm said, looking around. Sure enough, the land seemed to be made up of odd chambers connected to each other by paths, with a surprising lack of people around.
Apparently, they all lived under gravestones or something.
"Alright.. Realm..." Lore began slowly. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but you know your native Hyrule best. Just... give Wind a map or something so he can keep us from getting too lost, okay?"
"Oh, there's not actually a map," Realm said casually.
"...What."
"My Hyrule is kind of a 'find your own way' type of place," Realm explained. "If you want to, you can make your own map. But for the most part you just stumble around and hope for the best."
"...You mean to tell me," Sketch began, "that essentially everyone in your Hyrule is just as hopelessly lost as you are?"
Well no, Impa's pretty good at finding her way around, but she's always off with the Princess," Realm said. "But... yeah. Basically."
"So we can't even ask for directions," Mask groaned, facepalming. "How are we even supposed to get where we're going if we don't know where we're going?"
"I know where we're going," Realm contradicted. "I just have no idea how to get there. Might as well start now, I suppose!"
And with that, Realm marched off in a completely random direction, sword drawn and shield... hopefully not missing. The rest of the group trailed behind, exchanging confused glances.
And thus began the trial of Realm's directional leadership.
"Well this isn't it," Realm decided.
The group was on an island in the middle of a lake. It just so happened to be the only lake in Hyrule. It was also the only island in the lake.
"How did you even get here in the first place?" Speck asked, utterly confused. "I thought you couldn't swim."
"Not even a little," Realm agreed. Speck's brow furrowed.
"... What?"
"...Nope," Realm said.
This time, the group was standing on an archipelago on the farthest eastern side of Hyrule. There was some sort of fortress built up on it, and somehow the group had gotten up onto one of the walls despite there being no stairs whatsoever.
"I'm beginning to think your directional sense defies logic," Vio said.
"Definitely not!" Realm shrieked.
The group was in the middle of a forest which also happened to be infested with Octoroks. The Octoroks also happened to have a nasty habit of swarming. And they also reacted badly to the color green.
Why green-hating Octoroks lived in a forest was an obvious question. Unfortunately, none of the Links were of the mind to think this particular question as they were all running from a death swarm.
In particular, Steam was wishing he'd remembered his engineer outfit.
"Nuh-uh," Realm stated.
They were still in a part of a forest, although everone had lost track of which part it was a while ago. This time though, they had gotten themselves lost in a cave. A very dark, very damp, and very, very annoying cave.
Because the cave was infested with Keese. And the Links couldn't even take five steps without getting attacked.
"It's like we're in a Zubat cave!" Blue panted, slashing at yet another Keese.
"But we don't have any Repel!" Mask realized.
There was a moment of silence as the Links considered the implications of that statement. Then-
"AAAAHHHHHHHH!"
Later, of course, Blue was whacked upside the head by all three of his brothers for breaking things. Mask, on the other hand, went around for the next hour limping because Ocarina had 'accidentally' dropped a large rock on it.
"...Still no," Realm decided. Then spat sand back out of his mouth.
They were in a desert area this time. And while there weren't many enemies to deal with, there were an awful lot of sandtraps.
"Pull harder!" Lore snapped to his rescuers as they hauled on his arms. This was the fourth sandtrap he'd fallen into in an hour. As such, the novelty was wearing thin, and rather than being terrified for his life Lore was beginning to merely be annoyed.
"...Well, at least we're in the general biome," Realm said cheerfully.
The group was somewhere in a mountain range.
...That was it. They were somewhere in a mountain range. But nobody had any idea as to where.
The rest of the Links were really starting to wonder whether or not Realm was actually sane.
"...Realm, this is the same island as the first try," Gen said.
"Yep," Realm agreed.
"...How the heck did we manage this twice?"
"No idea," Realm said promptly. Behind him, Vio revamped his classification from just logic defying to both logic and physics defying.
"Well that's not right..." Realm muttered.
"Of course not, we're in a graveyard!" Blue snapped.
Randomly, one of the gravestones slid aside with a grating noise to reveal an old man climbing out from under it. He straightened up with a satisfied sigh, then turned and came face to face with Realm.
"I already gave you a sword, now go away and leave me alone!" the old man scolded in a crotchety tone. He then promptly disappeared back underneath his gravestone, somehow managing to make the grating noise sound disdainful.
"I think that's the best mood I've ever seen him in," Realm commented. "Wonder if it's his birthday?"
"Hmmm..." Realm muttered, staring out at the ocean.
"Er... Realm," Wind said, "I don't think this is it."
"Of course not," Realm said. "I just happen to like beaches. Lucky we found this spot, eh?"
Wind facepalmed.
"I'm pretty sure we need to cross this bridge!" Realm yelled over the sound of the water.
"That's what you said about that last three bridges!" Steam yelled back. "I don't care where you think this leads us, I am not going through another white water adventure! Your idea of a stable bridge is equivalent to a model made of toothpicks!"
"You just had to lose your shield on that beach," Mask growled. Realm just shrugged as they all followed Wind back to the coastline.
"Seriously, this is the third time," Lore complained. They were back on the island in the lake.
Again.
"...Okay, this is a little odd even for me," Realm admitted.
"Thank goodness," Green muttered to Vio. "If he still considered this normal, I think I might have snapped."
"...I think this is it, actually," Realm said, staring up at the two twin mountains. "Yep, this is the place!"
With a relieved groan, the rest of the Links all collapsed.
"Oh, come on guys," Realm scolded. "That only took sixteen hours and thirty-three backtracks. Why are you so tired?"
"Why are you so active?" Blue moaned in reply.
"As... fifty percent of the leader..." Lore gasped, "I... declare this... to... be a break... time."
"Seconded," Gen wheezed.
Ten seconds later, everyone but Realm was sound asleep.
"I'll take first watch then," Realm decided. Really though, this was at least ten hours better than last time. Last time had been a doozy.
Shadow had abandoned the group as soon as he figured out who's Hyrule it was. He knew where Ganon would be, so there was absolutely no reason to follow Realm on a wild goose chase all throughout the country until he finally found where he was going.
Granted, sixteen straight hours was impressive, even by Shadow's standards. That Link had more stamina than a horse. Probably multiple horses. On the other hand, waiting sixteen hours for the rest of the group to show up had been unimaginably boring.
Of course, there was the question of why he was waiting for the rest of the Links before he stormed Ganon's castle. This particular Ganon was one who had abused him. He was especially eager for this fight for that reason.
So why had he waited? And why was he waiting now for them all to wake up?
Obviously, he told himself, because he needed them to open the mountain. He himself didn't have a Triforce piece or anything like that. Therefore, he needed the Links to be the keys.
So why not just wake them up?
Because the more rested they were, the more of a beating Ganon would receive, Shadow decided. And it made sense. No reason having his entourage get more injured than they needed to. There wouldn't be nearly as much carnage to enjoy otherwise.
No, he thought, it was best to let them rest. Maybe he ought to do the same. Dusk's shadow was very comfortable after all, he really had to compliment the designer. This 'Midna' seemed like someone he would like.
Or at least, not hate.
And here we go!
I honestly had a lot of fun with this chapter. Writing Realm's mishaps are one of my favorite things to do in this fic. That, and Lore's rants about random and confusing stuff. Next up, battle with Original Ganon! I think it'll be interesting, if the game content is anything to go by.
Until next time,
Changeling
Thanks to Freefan1412 and xJessymonx for favoriting/following!
Dark Pit not Pittoo: Sketch uses the bracelet... sometimes. And of course I've tried my digital cookies. I had to get the recipe right.
DrBananaFace: Glad you liked that!
PsycoFangirl: Thank you for being my typo finder. You have NO idea how much they annoy me, so your input is really appreciated. And I can probably work in some more fourth wall shenanigans.
Guest: Yep, pretty much.
BrandonBGamer: The Tranformers dude? The one who eats planets? ...I wonder if he's ever had lunch with Galactus? You know, that would actually make a pretty good oneshot. I call it!
Vanillite the Dragonslayer: Game Theory, obviously. The episode on the physics of the hookshot. That was a good one... Sketch has a bell? Dangit! I honestly thought I had all their items listed out, lemme go check. ...Ah. That bell. See, that's a summons that wouldn't work outside his native Hyrule, so I kinda disregarded it. But the rods are solid. I'll try and remember those.