Ch.25

Urgals and Kull beat both Ajihad and Orrin by one vote. Sorry to those who wanted one of the latter two. Anyway, on with ficcie.

Disclaimer: I don't own Eragon, Harry Potter, Spaceballs, or the Chronicles of Narnia, which were my absolute favorite books when I was growing up and have been decently adapted into movies.

They're baby-killers. Grr.

They have horns.

They are complete, total, and utter rip-offs of Orcs.

They are also complete, total, and utter rip-offs of goblins.

They don't have horns in the movie, or so I have been informed.

They are a bad mix of man and goat.

They're not cool like satyrs or fawns. (Woot! Woot! Point for Tumnus.)

They smell like bad meat.

They were under old fire engine head's command.

It took them fricking forever to realize this. In the words of Ron, how thick could you get?

One of them sent his wife/mate/dam or whatever she was to ask Galbatorix what was up.

Said Urgal got said whatever killed.

They thought old fire engine head was evil because he got them to all work together.

They were dumb enough to offer their services to lame, old Galby.

They then went over to the Varden.

The Kull are complete, total, and utter rip-offs of Uruk-hai.

The Kull are also complete, total, and utter rip-offs of trolls.

They called lame, old Galby father.

They have an uglier and more guttural language than the dwarves, and that's saying something.

They slaughtered an entire village because old fire engine head told them to do so.

They are uglier in the movie than Chris describes them.

Two of them got killed by everyone's favorite hormonal, dragon-riding teen quite randomly in Yazuac.

They don't believe in wearing clothes beyond loin-cloths and armor.

They butt heads before forming treaties. Somehow, I just don't think this is gonna promote peace.

They're described as "man-beasts" in the book.

C.P. made them misunderstood. How cheesy is that?

If we accept number 27 as true, they are part of a God-only-knows-how-old cliché.

They disgust Eragon the Ignoramus.

They are so ugly nobody wants to work with them.

I bet they are as ugly as the Ra'zac, and that's saying something.

One of them tried to kill the guy who was really fricking old, so old in fact, you really wouldn't believe it, by kicking his horse.

The Kull couldn't catch Eragon the Ignoramus and Murtagh the hot-yet crazy, who were both dog-tired and riding dog-tired horses.

Said Kull are supposed to be "elite Urgals".

Said Kull were also drilled with arrows shot by everyone's favorite outnumbered underdogs, the Varden.

Here is a skit detailing the Yazuac scene.

Eragon: Ohmigod. Dead bodies. It's horrible.

Brom: Yes, it is.

Eragon: -throws up all over Brom-

Brom: Why me?

Me: You're the old wise guy, putz. You have to put up with his s--- until the day you die.

Brom: Will that be long?

Me: You have about 200 more pages to go.

Brom: I'll try to bear it.

Me: Hem. Hem. Do I belong in this story?

Brom: Why are you here?

Me: I'm so underappreciated. –disappears in a puff of logic-

Eragon: -ignore Brom and the crazed authoress of this fic- Here are Ra'zac tracks. Hehe. That rhymed. I guess I'm a poet, and I didn't even know it.

Brom: -smacks head- Why?

Me: Haven't we had this conversation enough times?

Brom: Just disappear in a damn puff of logic already!

Me: Aye, aye, sir. –disappears in a puff of logic-

Brom: Holy s---! Urgal tracks! They're still here. Ride, you idiot.

Eragon: -pulls himself onto Cadoc rather unceremoniously and falls off and gets back on-

Brom: Could you move any slower?

Eragon: Yes, actually.

Brom: Just ride.

Eragon: Giddy-up!

Urgal 1: -punches Eragon-

Eragon: And I was riding away so ceremoniously too. You shall pay. –gets into a nerd-fight with Urgal 1-

Brom: Not so fast, beast.

Urgal 2: I shall kick your horse. –laughs like a dying seal-

Me: You stole my laugh.

Urgal 2: On the contrary, I think you stole my laugh.

Me: Oh, really?

Urgal 2: Yeah, really.

Me: I think not.

Brom: YOU DON'T EVEN BELONG IN THIS STORY! DON'T SCREW IT UP ANYMORE!

Me: Who's supposed to be unconscious right now?

Brom: Oh yeah. –falls unconscious.

Me: Now that that's settled-disappears in a puff of logic-

Urgal 2: I think I'll go after the idiot instead.

Urgal 1: Oh, yes, let's.

Eragon: Ohmigod. I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm a president.

Me: Stop quoting Spaceballs and use magic already! –vanishes in puff of logic because she doesn't trust Eragon to tell her to-

Urgals: Thehe.

Eragon: I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. Ooh. I suddenly feel a way to not die. GOBBLEDYGOOK!

Urgals: -burn up in quite an impressive light-show-

That's the end, my dear friends. Tehe. That rhymed. Here are the review responses.

Callernumber16onz100: Orrin or Ajihad will be done next. We'll have to just wait and see who wins.

Amantine: Thanks for numbers 1, 2, 9, and 10.

Ebz: Thanks. I'm glad someone likes Angela as much as I do. She's just so awesome. Orrin will be done soon. (Well, next week-end, most likely.) He is quite weird.

Dreamless Wind: Thanks for number 18.

Sedoras: That was a very random and funny review. Ajihad will be done. Did you get my message explaining the game, which you just made me lose?

Tallacus: Thanks for numbers 3-8 and 17.

Soul of Power ROCKS OUT LOUD: And it was.

Unluckybob: Yes, I did. It was number 2 of chapter 22.

Aneet: Yes, you are. I'll send you a message explaining it.

Nasuada: Eragon is second to last chapter. CP is the grand finale. It will be fun. Eragon's chapter is probably going to be like sixty disses. I'm serious. I don't know how many skits. I'll probably come up with a few. He's been dissed in other people's skits though. I'm glad you like the skits, and Ajihad is next week-end.

Xo-MidnightSun-ox: Ajihad will be done next week-end, though I'm not sure if he's before or after Orrin.

Tahirih.luv2sew: Sorry about Angela-bashing. I really do think she's awesome. I just had to mock her. I'm weird like that. It was what my readers wanted. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter.