Act 25: Sara

Catherine hasn't called yet. I've been pacing ever since I got back from her place, I can't hold still and staring at my phone doesn't help.

Maybe I should go back to her place.

I can't breathe, I can't form a proper thought. The lack of sleep, the emotional whirlwind I've been through all this week. I hate this. In fact this is the reason why I hate relationships; I hate this notion of putting my heart in somebody's hand, giving them power to someone else to hurt me or to put me through emotional hell.

Everything was fine with Catherine, excellent even, it felt safe; one misunderstanding and it's like my entire world crumbled down. She calls things off between us and everything stopped making sense. It's weird when something means so much that it feels like it was always there, so much that you don't know how you life ever worked without.

I reached out, I begged for her to listen, to reconsider her decision. I backed off when she asked but I've spent every waking moment staring at my phone hoping that she'd give me a chance to explain properly, that she'd be ready to listen to me.

When she sent me a text to come to her place yesterday I thought that was it, but instead of taking she just wanted to give me back my belongings. I gave into despair and just begged yet again – throwing all my dignity through the window, to no avail.

Today I was resigned to the fact that I had lost everything, I was drained emotionally and physically. I went to her place maybe with the hope that she'd have changed her mind, my forgotten batman t-shirt provided me for a reason to be there, but nothing had changed.

Warrick was there and I was too tired to fight with him. I blamed him and the boys for ruining things for me, at least in my mind I did because I didn't confront them about it. I was so angry and yet I couldn't take it out on them, it's not like they could have known what they had done. I gave them the silent treatment because in the end that was the only rational response I had at my disposal.

I could have told Warrick the truth, but even then I kept my promise to Catherine, the one not to tell about us, perhaps a way to convince me that there was still an 'us'; even though that hope had been shattered all week long.

Catherine came back several minutes after disappearing to look for my shirt, she didn't have the shirt but she had something for me. A kiss.

She kissed me and gave me the gentlest caress on the cheek and for the first time the woman that has slowly made a home into my heart was back in front of me; that's when she said that she'd call me later.

Only now, it is later and nothing happened so I'm starting to think that I've dreamt those last few minutes of interaction.

I should go back to her place, maybe that kiss was an omen that she'll probably listen to me today. I don't want to let go of her, of what we have; I don't want to lose it. I'm ready to do anything to fight for it.

If anything that kiss goes to show that it's not over, it can't be.

I'm going back to her place.

I grab my keys and vest, walking to the door with determination. I open the door and stop short on my exit as I'm facing Catherine her left hand still up and in the middle of knocking on my door.

We stare at one another for a few seconds then she breaks the silence first. "I can come back…if…you have to go somewhere…"

I shake my head silently before finding my voice again. "I was actually going to your place," I declare.

"I'm sorry I know I said I'd call…but I figured that we better talk face to face, I needed to make sure that Linds was taken care of before coming though."

I silently nod and step away to let her in. My mouth feels dry suddenly and my stomach is twisting itself violently, m whole body dread this conversation. I find solace in the fact that she's here, so it means that she's ready to listen.

We move a bit further into my apartment but stay standing in the entrance of the living room. She's looking at her feet for a minute then looks up at me.

"I have been fooled many times before you…the sheer number of times it happened would made for a good joke if it wasn't so pathetic. You know, fool me once…"

I open my mouth to speak but she shakes her head. "Please, let me get this out before saying anything," she demands and I simply bob in acceptance.

"Hearing that you were on a date triggered a knee jerk reaction and… you were right about everything. You were talking to a wall, I heard your words but they bounced right off me. I wasn't listening to you and for that I'm sorry, because no matter what I should always do you that one courtesy."

She takes a deep breath in to steady herself. "I want to tell you that I came to my senses on my own, but truth to be told I realized my failure to listen earlier today when I overheard your conversation with Warrick."

I know I should feel relieved but I don't mostly because I understand how deep her trust issue runs and that in spite of what I thought I have yet to assuage her fears when it comes to me.

"I finally understood what you were trying to tell me. I also understood that I wanted to protect what we have so much that I didn't realize that I could jeopardize it by doing so. If I hadn't been so adamant about not letting the guys know that we were dating they wouldn't have tried to set you up with anybody. They just did what they always do when one of us is single. I should have listened to you. I'm ready to listen, if you still want to talk to me."

I'm slowly breathing a little bit better. I don't waste time telling her what happened again. "I really had no idea that Jillian was going to be there or I'd have mentioned her, and when I understood what was going on you have my word that I didn't do or say anything that could possibly lead Jillian to think that it was a date."

"I trust you," she affirms. "I do… I just have a bad habit of let my emotions override my reason when I feel vulnerable. Old habits die hard," she finishes in a whisper before looking away from me.

I've never been a great fan of talking, but there's something I've learnt about me ever since I've been Catherine, I like talking with her, and right now it feels like getting back home firm ground after drifting into raging waters.

When things go so well and so smoothly there's this odd feeling of invincibility, and one would tend to take things for granted; luckily there are reminders every now and then – no matter how painful they may be – little warnings of sort so that never forget that a relationship is a constant work in progress.

"I understand how you feel about all this and where you're coming from but…" I trail off trying to formulate my thoughts properly. As eloquent as I may be in other circumstances when it comes to feelings I'm awkward with words; that's unfortunate because one misstep and someone might get hurt.

I take a deep breath. "I made a promise to you," I declare. "I promised that I'd never do anything to hurt willingly you, and that no matter what happens good or bad, I'll always do right by you. I haven't broken that promise and I intend to keep it that way," I repeat the words I told her a while ago. "I'm committed to you and this relationship. I don't care if we never tell anyone about us. I know where I'm at and I always act in consequences."

She nods silently and quickly wipes her cheek.

"I know I called things off between us… could we pretend this past week never happened and pick things right we left them off?"

I breathe freely for the first time in a week, I'm so overwhelmed with relief I could cry. "I'd like that please," I bob my head and finally allow myself to get close to her. My moves are hesitant but I end up taking wrapping her in my arms and burying my head in her neck, breathing her in.

She cups my face and forces me to look at her. "One last thing," she starts. "Please, don't ever get on our knees for me. You should never go through that humiliation for anybody, least of all me."

"I can handle humiliation, I can't handle not being with you," I admit.

My heart is pumping wildly in my chest in panic. It scares me how much I need this, I need her. I hate the idea of being so emotionally dependable. One week and I was a mess unable to function properly, I'm in so deep that I know I can't handle the hurt of going on without Catherine by my sides.

"Promise me you'll never do it again," she demands.

"I promise," I consent after a few seconds.

I'm not proud of being so weak in regard to our relationship; but right now I know I'd disregard anything just to ensure that Catherine and I are together.

I'm completely vulnerable and exposed.

Fuck.