It was around 11:45 when Kate arrived at Dr Burke's office. She had left early to enjoy a stroll across town; it may have been a reckless decision considering the circumstances, and she definitely wasn't about to tell Rick, but she needed the fresh air. As much as she appreciated the security of staying locked inside, she was used to always being out and about, chasing down leads, visiting murder sites, canvassing for witnesses. It was a very freeing job, being a detective; now she was cooped up, hiding from the bad elements rather than hunting them down. It felt unnatural. She walked with her head down, trying to stay as invisible as possible. She wasn't stupid; she knew the danger she was facing, but as per usual, she was playing with fire. By the time Kate reached the office she was pretty sure she hadn't been followed; she had walked for nearly an hour and they would have had plenty of opportunity to attack. She took a seat in the waiting room; she had never had to wait before. It was cosy, with the type of sofas that you just sink into, the music obviously from a chillout album, and the scent of Ylang Ylang filling the room. This is so cliché, she thought. Much to her surprise though, it had the desired effect; she was feeling calmer already. Hmmm.
"Kate?" The receptionist entered the room and beckoned her out. "Dr. Burke can see you now. Just head upstairs, he's waiting." She hadn't had to wait long; it was still before midday.
As Kate exited the elevator, Dr. Burke was stood in his doorway with a smile on his face. "Kate, it's nice to see you again. You're a little drier than last time we met," he joked. Kate smiled too. He knew how to put her at ease. "So what can I do for you today?" he asked, indicating for her to sit.
"It's the nightmares, they're getting worse."
"PTSD is not something that just goes away. It is something that we'll need to work on again, especially as you seem prone to life-threatening events," he joked, but the smile didn't reach his eyes. He was being mostly serious. "Look, it isn't going to be easy, and usual therapies won't work. In any other circumstances I would be trying to convince you that there is no danger, but I'd be lying in your case. You know there is danger; it's not a figment of your imagination. All we can do is work on your belief systems, convince you that you can handle the danger. Once you believe that, the symptoms should improve. It is your fear that is feeding the PTSD."
After a pause, he added "You look disappointed. You knew before you came that there would be no immediate cure, I can't just give you pills and make it all go away Kate."
"I know. Just a little wishful thinking." She half-smiled as she said it.
"I can prescribe you something for sleeping. It should knock you out and make the nightmares less likely. It's not 100% effective and it's by no means a cure."
"Thank you."
"First I need you to tell me about these nightmares though. I know it's hard Kate, but I can't help you until you do."
Kate took a deep breath. "Ok." Silence fell over the room as she took another deep breath, and then another. Dr. Burke did not say a word, he didn't interrupt, and he didn't rush her. She needed to do this in her own time. After about two minutes she began to retell the story of her latest nightmares. "Lately it has been almost the same nightmare, on repeat. And they're so vivid. The last began with myself and Rick walking through a cemetery. I think it's the one where my mum is buried, but I can't be sure. I don't know why we are there. It makes no sense. Suddenly out of nowhere someone grabs me from behind and throws me across the grass. I hit my head on a tombstone and I can feel the blood trickle down my face. I'm ok though. Someone pulls me up, a faceless man, and slaps me hard across my cheek, so hard that I feel my teeth cut into the inside. I throw a punch to his stomach and hook my leg around his, knocking the man to the floor. I've sparred many times, so I'm holding my own for the moment. He's on his feet again and pulls out a knife. It raises the bar but I think I can take him. He's not as strong as Maddox was. Stronger than me, but I'm faster. We continue to wrestle, until I see a glint through the corner of my eye. Someone is going after Rick with a knife. He's down on the ground, blood on his face, holding his arm as though it is broken, and a man is heading towards him. I scream out, but he doesn't hear me. I can't scream loud enough for anyone to hear. I'm distracted and end up with a nasty slash down my arm. With all my strength I kick the guy I'm fighting, knocking him to the ground, and I run towards Rick. But my legs won't move fast enough and all I can do is watch as the man thrusts the dagger and Rick collapses to the floor. It's like I'm aware of the throbbing of the bruises and the blood as it runs down my arm, but I don't feel it, it doesn't matter. The pain of watching the life drain out of Rick is worse than anything I've ever felt. I've taken bullets, almost frozen to death, but it doesn't compare. And then I wake up crying, with the memory of Rick's cold, lifeless body in my arms. The sense of loss is hard to shake, even though I know it's not real."
There was silence again as Kate wiped away the tears that had escaped while she had recounted the story. After giving Kate a minute to collect herself, Dr. Burke spoke. "This explains a lot. It is not just a fear for yourself, not necessarily a belief that you are unable to protect yourself, but a fear that you will not be able to protect others, the ones you love. You have taken responsibility for the fate of everyone around you and that is the weight bearing down on you. But Kate, these people have made a conscious decision to help you. They are consenting adults with their own minds. You have not forced them into this and they have the option to walk away at any time. It is their choice to stay and there is nothing you can do about it either way."
"But it's my fight. If they get hurt, it's on me. It's all on me. They stay because they care about me."
"The fact that they all love you is not a fault of yours. You need to stop blaming yourself for this and learn to accept it. That is what we will work on. Maybe there are other things you can do to put your mind at ease too. Maybe you could teach Rick to defend himself. If you can view him as less helpless, maybe the outcome of those fight scenes would be different. We also need to build up your confidence. You still doubt your ability to protect yourself. You may be able to fight off others, but Maddox still scares you. You need to believe that you can beat him. And finally, you need to be more open about what is going on; find someone you can confide in, maybe Rick, maybe someone else. But you can't avoid thinking and talking about it, Kate. That only makes it worse. Plus, it will be easier if you have someone to help you through this. Just think about it, ok?"
Kate just nodded. Although she had taken in all that he had said, her mind was still wandering over the memories of that dream. He let her sit and think for a while. He didn't have any appointments scheduled until later in the day so there was no rush. When she was ready to leave, Dr. Burke gave her a prescription for sleeping tablets and told her to make an appointment for later in the week. She was to come back at least once a week for 'cognitive restructuring' she thought he said. He said that it would help so she didn't fight it. She took a cab back to Rick's apartment, not fancying the walk this time around. Reliving it all again had pushed the fear to the forefront of her mind. She wondered if Martha would be there. Spending time with his family was always a good distraction. There was usually something dramatic going on. The thought made her smile as she let herself into his apartment building.
See, I told you that I wouldn't make you wait, haha! Hope you liked it. Please review! :) x