Not much to say today. Maybe I'll mention that if you like the Auron/Rikku dynamic maybe you could find three books by a guy named Paul Kidd. They're not, uh, serious books. They're part of the D&D Greyhawk series, White Plume Mountain, Descent into the Depths of the Earth, and Queen of the Demonweb Pits. They feature a grim Ranger with awesome sword skills and an obsession with justice and a faerie thief/magic user with an obsession with shiny things, sugar, and fun. So, kind of like Rikku/Auron without the age difference and the, uh, dead thing. Size difference, though.

Like I say, not great literature, but fun reads.

So, major spoilers. Disclaimer: FFX isn't mine. Follows the story, but kind of AU. (Not real AU, not yet. Later.) It's an Aurikku. (Didn't start that way.) This is about characters and the gradual building of a relationship. You've already figured out the gradual part, haven't you? Still-T-. Let's all hear it for -T-. Com'on, gimme a -T-!

Sorry.

Oh yeah, remember my words in Al Bhed go --"words"--.

So, one more thing. I want to dedicate this chapter and the next one to Glass Mermaid. Thank you for the reviews and for all the nice things you said about my writing. And I meant everything I said about your writing, too. Guys, if you haven't read "Bleak", read it. Well, hang on. It's -M-, so, hm, if you're old enough then read it. If you're not, then, um, get old enough and then read it.

So...

Soldier of Spira

Auron:

I sit at a table in the chocobo trainer's camp, going through the stack of messages that I brought north on this trip. I'm making notes, advising and instructing, writing orders, answering questions...giving permission. I've arranged for a courier to carry them all south to the agency and pass them on to the Luca network and to our people. I look down at the letter in my hand. It's from one of our agent leaders in Bevelle, asking for permission to deal with a situation. His reasoning is sound. The risk is low and the benefit considerable. I should authorize it and move on. But I sit there with the message in my hand.

I should sign it.

I close my eye and I remember...

"Auron," she had said raggedly, sliding down the wall to the floor, in what had once been her room, in what had once been her home. "Auron, it'll stain your soul.

"Auron, please don't..." she almost whispered, tears running down her tired face. "Do you want me to beg...?"

I held the knife at the Guado's throat and looked at her through the haze of smoke. I looked into her sad green eyes, and I lowered the knife.

Why? For her? What is happening to me? She cares so much about me and I don't want to hurt her. Does she even suspect what her caring so much is doing to me?

Rikku's Diary:

Hey! I got a pimple!

Auron:

Perhaps not.

I shake my head and sigh. Enough of this. I scrawl, Do it, on the paper and place it on the stack with the others.

And end three lives just as surely as if I held the knife myself.

Chocobo Games

Rikku's Diary:

I jumped in fast and backfisted him with my claw, and then leaped back, but he caught my arm. I pulled away, but I overbalanced and fell forward onto my knees. Instantly he was on top of me, trying to pin me to the ground, his hand fumbling at my belt. I threw an elbow back behind me and felt it hit something, but not squarely. It glanced off and I heard him grunt. He gave up on the buckle and started dragging at my belt, sitting up and trying to pull it down over my hips. It went, half taking my shorts with it, but that let me wriggle out from under him, and I turned and pushed myself away by kicking at him, getting him hard in the knees and shins and almost between the legs finally losing the belt and he flung it away. I was scooting backwards on my rear end and my elbows, trying to get away from him, kicking at his face. He caught at one foot but my shoe and half my sock came off in his hand and then he threw himself forward, wrapping his arms around my knees and then pulling his way up my body, grabbing at my arm while trying keep me pinned. I tried kicking at him again but he was between my legs, my knees forced apart.

He was panting hard and my shirt had ridden up. I could feel his hot breath on my bare belly as I swung at him with both my claw and my targe, but he caught both arms in a grip of steel. He was on my chest now, trying to pin my arms to the ground while I struggled underneath him. Then I went completely limp, and for just a moment he looked up, his head almost level with my own. And I reared back and smashed my forehead into his face. I felt his nose crunching and blood spurting and I pulled hard and got my right arm free, grabbed his other arm that was still holding onto me and pulled it close enough to sink my teeth into his wrist. I heard him say Damn, and he ran his other hand into my hair, making a fist and pulling back hard, dragging my teeth out of his flesh and then whiplashing my whole body, throwing me five or six feet away.

Instantly I leaped back at him slashing with my claw and my targe, getting him in the side of the face. His fist connected with my head and I saw stars for a minute, but I never stopped swinging, kicking, snapping with my teeth, trying to hurt him! I heard him say, Enough, but it never registered as I blindly kept attacking. I heard him say, Lulu, and suddenly there was a crash and something hit me with a huge shock. I shook my head and would have started attacking him again but strong arms were wrapped around me from behind. I threw my head back, trying to catch him in the face, but didn't hit anything. I threw myself from side to side trying to unbalance us both.

"Rikku!" he shouted, shaking me. "RIKKU! Enough!"

I realized I was gasping for breath, sitting there on the ground dazed, with his arms holding me like bands of iron. And before I could get my bearings he was asking me, "Who was that?"

He shook me a little in his arms, and asked again, "WHO was THAT?"

Wow. Oh, wow. That was me, I thought, panting. That wild hellcat was little Rikku, biting and kicking and clawing and scratching. Wow.

"Me..." I muttered through a dry mouth, my chest heaving.

"Who?"

"Me," I said, a little steadier.

"WHO?"

"ME!" I tossed my head back and shouted. "ME, ME, ME! That was ME!"

I heard Tidus say, "Yeah it was!"

I looked around, and they were all standing there watching us. Yunie had her hands up covering her mouth. When we started the exercise there had only been Yuna there to cast healing spells and Lulu to cast Thundera, if needed.

"Yeah girl," Wakka said, crossing his arms and nodding. "That was you. And hate to be the fiend that tried to eat you up, ya?"

I hadn't been able to think why we might need Lulu to cast spells, but I guess the man thought maybe I'd be out of control and they'd need some way to stop me.

Auron opened his arms and let me go, and I was shaking a little and I might have fallen over but Kimahri reached down and steadied me with his hands on my shoulders. Then Yuna was pushing him aside and already casting her white magic on me, with a look of anger and revulsion on her face.

"Sir Auron," she said through stiff lips, never looking at him, "I am the summoner, and I FORBID you to ever do this again."

Oh oh.

I looked up at Auron. He was standing there in his black armor, dirty and sweaty, hair a little wild, starting to show bruises, blood flowing from the cuts on his arms and face and from his broken nose and dripping from the bite on his wrist.

"Uh, Yunie..." I started, but the man looked at me and shook his head, and turned to walk away.

"Stay right there!" she shouted at him. "You just stand right there and don't you move!"

She got up and stomped over to him, reaching up to touch the cuts on his face, and started to cast her healing spells. The cuts stopped bleeding and started to close, and the all the bruises began to fade while she took his wounded hand in hers, turning it over and back and looking at it. When the magic was finished, she stood there a second, holding his hand and looking up at him, then she lunged forward and threw her arms around him and hugged him hard before she turned and ran back toward camp with tears in her eyes. The man took half a step after her and stopped. He looked around and caught Tidus' eye and nodded in the direction she'd gone. Tidus sorta shook his head a little, but turned and went after her.

So what was that all about?

"Lulu," I said, climbing to my feet, "Think we should see if she's okay?"

"Ah," Wakka said, grinning. "Maybe you better finish getting' dressed first."

Oops. Frowning and blushing, I tugged down my shirt and hitched up my shorts and went to go find my shoe and sock and my belt from where Auron had thrown it, more worried about mixes and fire gems and stuff than about my claw, while Lulu smacked Wakka on the back of the head. By the time I was finished, everyone was gone except Auron, who was waiting for me.

"Rikku," he said calmly. "You did very well in the fifth lesson, and I'm proud of you. You are a fighter, and we'll make you a better one."

"Thanks, Auron," I told him, stretching my arms way up and then back. Fifth lesson, related to the first lesson. Aggression. Sometimes the best offence is offence. Just forget everything and cut loose. "It was...kinda fun. So...what was that all about with Yuna?"

He sighed, and started pulling on his coat.

"Young summoners," he muttered. "She wants to keep us safe. She's the summoner, we're the guardians, and she's trying to keep us safe, like when she wouldn't leave Kimahri in Bevelle, or when she tried to deal with Seymour all on her own."

He shook his head. "She wants to keep everyone safe. She's trying to do too much. It's not her job."

Gee, sound like anyone I know?

"So, uh...? You gonna let her get away with it?"

"She is the summoner."

"Right, Auron. She's running things around here."

He looked over at me, shaking his head a little. Sure, I'm annoying, but lovable too.

"I imagine I can change her mind. But not in front of everyone."

Gotcha. He doesn't want to embarrass her in front of us. That's cool. Anyway, Yuna was really upset. Because I had gotten hurt? Or maybe, because...

Huh. Yuna? Whatayathink?

Hm.

Her gentle two-tone eyes followed him everywhere around camp, secretly watching his every step, his every movement. She was sorry that he always stayed behind the party as a rear guard, because then she couldn't see his powerful, fluid stride, but she was also glad because she was sure that the others would have noticed. She felt a blush rising to her cheeks as she imagined what they would think if they knew about her feelings for the silent man in red. She had had a crush on him ever since she was a small girl and he would come to visit them, bringing her little gifts and spending time playing with her, playing all of her so-serious little girl games. She smiled, remembering Auron at her imaginary tea party, pretending with an absolutely straight face that he was drinking from the empty cup, and she had told him that he was doing it wrong, that he had to put his little pinky out, and he had apologized gravely and put out his little finger.

And then he went away. They all did, her father and her Uncle Jecht and her Uncle Auron, they went away and they never ever came back. And then one day in Luca he had shown up from nowhere and become her guardian! She felt as if the fayth were rewarding her for her decision to become a summoner and fight Sin. When she decided to sacrifice herself they had given her this wonderful gift, bringing him back into her life, this man that she had loved for years. She wanted to know everything about him, hungry to know about the long years he had been away. But she was far too shy to ever speak to him for very long directly. So instead she would spend every moment with Tidus, mining him for information about those years in Zanarkand when Auron watched over him. It must have been wonderful, she thought, to grow up with Auron as a foster-father, strong and proud and gentle, watching over you and keeping you safe.

And she would go to her tent and sleep and dream that he never went to the Zanarkand of Tidus and Jecht, that he had come back to Bevelle instead, and had gathered her into his arms and taken her away to Besaid and raised her, slowly realizing as she grew into a young woman that he was truly in love with her. And maybe she never would have become a summoner at all, she thought. Maybe he would have asked her to be his wife and they would have wed and had children, and she would have been the healer for the village and he would have been the protector, keeping them all safe from fiends. It was a wonderful dream. And then she would wake up with a feeling of deep loss, and she would sit for a while with her legs tucked under her blankets and think about the children they would have had.

She stood in the shadow of the tent and watched him move around the camp, and allowed herself to wonder, what if there were no Kimahri, no Lulu and Wakka, no Tidus and no little cousin hanging around them. What if there were only Auron and Yuna? One guardian and one summoner? What would their pilgrimage be? And it wasn't so bad, she thought, that she had to die. Not if it would save so many others and make them happy. But...just once, before her story ended, she would like to know a man, this man. And then, when it was time, she could accept her fate and go to the Farplane knowing that he would remember her, and the happiness they had shared. She was lost in these thoughts and never even noticed he was near until she smelled the willow tree smell that she loved. Startled, she looked up and he was there in front of her looking at her with concern, silently asking if she was all right.

And suddenly all the lonely years of wanting him flashed through her mind in a blur, and all of her dreams and memories of him seemed to blend into this one moment when he was standing in front of her and it all seemed possible. Our children would have been beautiful, she thought wildly, and then she threw herself into his arms and kissed him madly and deeply! His single eye widened in shock, and he tried to step away, but she wouldn't let him go, just kept her lips tight on his, until she realized he wasn't kissing her back. Then she let go, and looked up at him, and again she could feel the heat rising to her face, and she felt naked in front of him, completely open and completely vulnerable, but her voice was almost steady as she said, softly, "Auron, I've always loved you."

He looked back at her with care and compassion in his eye. How could he tell her there was someone else, someone that he loved more than life itself?

Huh. Not bad. Maybe later I can do one where he rejects Lulu. Not that I believe Yunie feels that way, mind you. And just as well. I can just see us rolling on the ground pulling hair and trying to push each other's face into the dirt. Ha.

So I trained hard with Auron every day for the week and a bit that we traveled north, sometimes on the first lesson again, fighting my way through Lulu's spells to try to hurt him. That wasn't fun, but I did it. Sometimes on other stuff, with blindfolds and little finger games and just sitting and talking. Fun stuff, where I laughed a lot and thought about trying to kiss him again. We only fought once, about something that happened in training and I thought it wasn't fair, and it only occurred to me later that that was the point of the exercise, and we made up. We were all doing individual drills midday and evening now, trying to learn all the new things that he wanted us to. We only did team drills a couple of times. And I also did some thief drills, cause I know I've gotta get better at that too. And Auron was working hard, but a lot of it was meditation. When I asked he told me that he was trying to relearn the last two ki-break abilities that he once knew, Armor Break and Mental Break.

It was like we were all in a little bubble outside time that week, where all of us could pretend that we weren't who we were, especially Yuna, and she could maybe just be a young girl for once in her life, just for a little while. We were on vacation, playing hooky and not getting any closer to Zanarkand, and what with training together and sitting next to him at meals and walking next to him when I wasn't scouting we were spending almost every minute together, and we were getting closer and he was starting to open up to me, and Tidus had told me whose idea the cupcakes had been and I think I was the happiest that week that I've ever been in my whole life. I knew it wouldn't last. I knew I still wasn't sure how he felt about me, and whether this was all just a crush or was starting to become something more and what would I do about that, and there were still all those secrets and trust issues, and I was still mad at him about so many things, especially what he thought he saw when he looked in the mirror, and I knew one day we'd start the pilgrimage again, guarding Yunie to her death, but for now it was our vacation and none of it mattered and I didn't have to worry about any of it.

I was happy.

Auron:

We knew when we were approaching the Edge. We could see it in the horizon, or rather, the lack of a horizon. It was a place ahead of us where the world dropped off. The girl came to me for the plan to find the chocobo trainer. It was a trivial exercise, but I thought perhaps I could turn it into a lesson, and get some practical use out of it.

No, I don't only mean a lesson for Rikku.

"Wakka, what is the objective?"

"Uh, to find the trainer?"

"Correct."

It was midday, before lunch, and we were sitting on the grass, talking. Rikku sat cross-legged a little behind me, watching Wakka over my shoulder, her eyes slightly unfocused.

"Wakka, there are different approaches to problem solving. One of the more useful and direct is end/means, or What-do-I-have?"

"Ooookay..."

"So, Wakka. What do you have available to solve this problem?"

"Uh..."

I saw him look down to one side, frowning.

"Not a blitzball, Wakka," I told him. "Think wider."

"Oh, all right. Uh, Sir Auron, what's Rikku doing? She's sorta freakin' me out, ya?"

I heard a giggle.

"Her lesson is to watch your lesson."

"So...what you teachin' her?"

"I don't yet know."

Giggle giggle.

"Oh, okay," he muttered, rubbing the back of his neck. "So...uh, man...this is hard."

"Start with what you can reach, right now."

"Yeah, all right. Huh. Blitzball, but you said it's not that. Uh...lessee, my clothes, hum, ah, the ground I guess...and uh, grass, lotsa grass..."

"Let's think about the grass for a moment. How could you use the grass to find the trainer."

"Well, I guess I could set fire to it?"

"Good. How could that help?"

"Well, maybe she'd see the smoke and come to try an' put it out, uh...maybe?"

Giggle giggle.

"Hey Rikku! I'm tryin', ya?"

"All right, Wakka," I said. "It'll do for now. So, how will you set the grass on fire?"

"Well, usually Lulu'll use a spell or Rikku will use her fire-starter...oh, hey! Lulu, and all-a you guys! I can use you guys!"

"And so...?"

"Okay, so, Lulu has her magic, and Kimahri has magic, and Yuna...Yuna has magic and aeons! Flying aeons! We can send her fliers out looking for...uh..."

"A crowd of chocobos."

"Yeah! That's right!"

End/Means analysis meets Socratic Method. Not precisely textbook, but it's a start. We worked out a simple spiral grid search pattern and Wakka went to inform the others, especially Yuna. I had no real doubt that we would locate the trainer if she truly were in the north.

"Rikku," I said without turning.

"Auron?" she answered from behind me.

"Did you observe?"

"Yeah."

"What did you learn?"

I heard her sigh.

"I'm still not sure what you're looking for, Auron."

I shifted around so we could talk face to face. She hitched herself a little closer to me. It made me a bit uneasy. She's been moving closer and closer to me as the days go on, sitting just a little nearer, walking so close that our hands brush each other. It seems ridiculous that it should worry me, considering that almost every night we actually sleep next to each other. But it did.

"It's a lesson in observation, Rikku. The goal was to learn something new. Anything. The color of his eyes, if you didn't know it, or the shape of his soul. The object of the lesson is to build the habit of observation and learning. The best fighters never stop watching and learning."

"Oh," she said, sliding a bit closer. "Okay, well...he has terrible posture."

"You didn't know that before?" I asked, one side of my mouth quirking up.

"Well, I never noticed it."

I sighed. It will do, for now. Then in one fluid movement she uncrossed her legs and shifted to her hands and knees, leaning close. With her face only inches from mine she said something I didn't understand in Al Bhed.

--"Kiss me!"--

"Rikku?" I asked calmly.

"Al Bhed lessons, remember, Auron?" she smiled, twisting her head and looking sidelong into my eye, "I'm teaching you, too. What does it mean when I say, --"Kiss me?"--

"You're hungry?" I answered, standing and turning towards the camp. "I think lunch is probably ready."

I heard a melodramatic sigh, and a giggle, and she said, "All right, Auron."

A moment later I felt her slip her little hand into mine. No. I scowled and shook my head. No, I've let this go far enough. Too far. I turn but before I can say anything she looks up at me from under her lashes and says, "Just for a little while, Auron? Just until we're closer to camp?"

Well, I think irritably, What am I supposed to do? Just drop her hand?

Rikku's Diary:

What I've learned, after weeks and months of observing Auron day in and day out, is almost exactly just how close I can get before he starts to pull away. And everyday that we're around each other, it's just a little bit closer.

Auron:

I don't think anyone spoke the last three hours that we approached the Edge. As we got closer, the ground in front of us fell away, and the whole world beyond grew. We thought we had to be close, almost there, but the Edge of the World just kept growing and growing. Then finally we were there, and it was breathtaking. We stared out over a series of eroded river valleys far below that faded and hazed into the blue distance. It almost seemed to go on forever, up and out and down, sweeping from one side of the planet to the other. It was like standing on the edge of the sky. We just stood and stared for ten or fifteen minutes before some of the others shook themselves out of it and started to move again. I had never seen this when I came with Braska and Jecht before, and I never saw it in all the years before and after. Should it surprise me that Spira still has sights and experiences that can touch me? I maintain that the view from the top of Mt Gagazet is the most stunning I have ever seen, but I will gladly admit that the view from the Edge of the World is one of the wonders of Spira.

The others slowly approach the very Edge. Kimahri was born on Mt Gagazet and has no fear of heights. He walks close enough to bend and look straight down. Tidus is a daredevil, he won't hang back where the Ronso goes forward. He joins him at the Edge and turns to coax Yuna closer, but she stops a few steps away smiling and shaking her head, burying her face in her hands, and the boy teases her. I'm pleased to see them so playful with each other. Wakka goes closer, but stops a safe distance away and Lulu is content where she is, as am I. Rikku dances up to the Edge, laughing and skipping, bending far forward to see what she can see, tossing a small stone and watching it fall. I know she loves to see new things. She tells me it keeps her young, but my heart is in my mouth seeing her. If she fell...

Snow. Rock. Sky. Mount Gagazet. Falling. Plunging. Smashing, crashing against the mountain, tumbling over and over. Red sprayed against the white. Ribs splintering, coming apart. Legs broken, and broken again. I shake my head, breathing a little quickly, dismissing the memories. Trauma flashback. I've seen them in soldiers before.

I've had them once or twice.

As I watch Rikku and the others ideas and images flicker though my head until finally one particular one comes to rest, and I almost smile in relief. A clear day on the highest roof in Bevelle. If anyone falls, Yuna can summon Valefor as she did that day. (Analogy method of problem solving—have you solved a similar problem in the past?) Wait, Valefor was away, searching for the chocobo trainer. Yuna could summon Bahamut who was in any case faster over short distances.

Let them play and scare themselves flirting with danger. They are safer than they think.

It was a little early, but we broke for midday drills and lunch. The girl sat next to me and babbled happily about the wonderful view and how some enterprising businessman should put a restaurant here and is fifteen percent commission for thinking of the idea enough. When did babble cease to annoy me? When did I come to enjoy it?

After lunch they sat around. They seemed to be at a loss what to do. We had been traveling north. We were north. Now what? Now, west. With moderate difficulty I got them up and moving. We had veered a little east on our journey. There was a two in three chance that the trainer was west of us. We had sent Valefor west to search. If I am wrong we would simply turn back.

"Walk farther from the Edge," I instructed them.

"No head for heights, old man?"

"I don't want to fight fiends this close to the cliff."

Their eyes went wide and they all moved father back with no more questions. A few hours later Valefor returned to Yuna. It seemed to be excited. None of the aeons actually speaks, even Shiva, who looks almost human. But Valefor opened one claw and something dropped to the ground.

A chocobo feather.

Auron:

As we traveled east along the edge our eyes were constantly drawn to the incredible view. I even saw Lulu stumble while gazing northward. I suppose people must grow accustomed even to this scene after a time, but none of us were. Not yet.

It was the next day that we first saw it as a speck in the distance, which gradually grew until it became a rather sizable camp. We came across two young men trying to pull a chocobo along by ropes. The chocobo seemed indifferent at best to the idea. The men recognized Yuna (and me) and greeted her warmly.

"Hey! Summoner Yuna! Are you here to see the chocobos? Are you going to see the Scar before you beat up Sin? Hey, could I get your autograph?"

"Willie! Take up that slack!" the other man shouted as the chocobo took the opportunity to jump back and almost pull the two off their feet. "Keep that rope tight!"

The news of our "treason" hadn't penetrated this far into the Calm Lands yet. The men assured us that the trainer was at the camp and we left the three of them to work out their differences and walked the rest of the way to the large enclosure. The site was obviously temporary, but still elaborate, with several corrals filled with the disagreeable birds, and tents to house the workers and facilities. There were men and women engaged in various kinds of work. They all greeted Yuna warmly and stared at me. Should I charge admission? I felt Rikku move close, and she started to run her little hand up and down my back through the red coat, and I took a breath and let go of my exasperation. How did she know that I was feeling annoyed?

Rikku's Diary:

The camp was great, but it smelled a little strongly of chocobos. Stands to reason, I guess. We found the trainer and she was just as happy to see Yuna as any of them, but...

"Lady Yuna, I'd love to lend you chocobos to help you with your pilgrimage, but I just don't have that many trained right now. This is a catching expedition. I would have more but all of these people are chocobo wranglers. I'm the only trainer here since my assistant left to join the Crusaders."

"The Crusaders?" Lulu asked softly.

"Yes. I didn't realize how much I'd miss him. Clasko was a bit of a goof, but he really had a way with chocobos. Anyway, now there's only me to train them and I just haven't had time. The only fully trained chocobos we have are the ones we need to transport ourselves."

"Hey," the kid said, "Why don't you let us help you train them! We'll get it done in no time!"

Tidus smiled and gave himself a big thumbs up. I was the only one that noticed the man's nostrils flare and I started rubbing his back through the coat, up and down, up and down, fast before he just exploded all over the kid! So while Auron cooled down a little (say, from pressure cooker down to rotisserie) Lulu and the trainer came to an agreement and the kid never knew how close he was to getting thrown over the edge of the cliff. If we saddle-trained enough chocobos to replace them, the trainer would lend us fully trained chocobos and finish training the others herself before they had to head back south. Anyway, none of it would happen if Tidus couldn't actually train wild chocobos, so we all went out to where they had set up a track, the man muttering Ronso swear words under his breath. I stuck close to him, rub, rub, rub.

So we all lined up to watch Tidus try to run the chocobo down the middle of the track and between the trainer and her own bird. She explained the system of reins and cords to him. I guess there's no problem getting the birds to run. They love to run all over the place. Straight is the problem. She left Tidus sitting there on top of his chocobo, and I don't know if the bird or the kid was more nervous, and she went to the other end of the track and called out asking if he was ready. I could see him thinking, Get me off this bird! But he said, As ready as ever. So while the trainer counted down, three, two, one, I turned to Auron and asked, "Do you think he'll do it?"

And suddenly Tidus and the chocobo were headed straight at us!

The man calmly said, "No," and threw me to one side as we all jumped and scattered wildly out of the way.

Auron:

Tidus and the chocobo slammed into the fence where we had all been standing, bounced off, and staggered on down the track. I picked myself up from the ground mentally reviewing recipes for roast fowl and saying some words from the old Ronso language under my breath. If the girl ever learns what the words mean I'll have to start swearing in Hypello. I felt her hand rubbing my back through the coat again, trying to calm me—both hands this time.

Wait... (Inhale.) Dust, and faded perfume, not too sweet. And death.

"Lulu?"

"I thought you looked a little...tense," she answered from behind me. "There, now. How does this feel?"

"Lulu, I don't—"

"LULU!"

Rikku.

"Lulu," I said.

"Yes," she answered a little uncertainly.

"Run."

"Well, I..."

"Or pray."

She didn't run, but Lulu can saunter quickly even in those heavy skirts. I caught Rikku's arm and hauled her in as she tried to rush past.

"Yeah," she muttered shaking her little fist, "She better run!"

"She knows Thundera," I reminded her quietly.

"Yeah, and I know Grenada!" she answered, locking both her arms around one of mine. She never quite let go for the rest of the day.

Why do I allow her to do these things?

Looking up, I noticed that Tidus never even crossed the finish line. A less than auspicious beginning, but he persevered, trying again and again, until the trainer judged him marginally competent to saddle-train chocobos. So, we moved into the camp, taking some of the tents for our own. As usual, the ladies shared one tent, as did Wakka and Tidus, and then Kimahri and myself. It would take about a week to train all the chocobos we needed to. One of their precious free weeks gone, but then, if we actually have chocobos, then we can cross the plain quicker when our idle was done. It would mean that I could actually let them have more weeks to rest and train. And for Yuna and Tidus to grow close. In any case, they seemed to enjoy their time in the chocobo camp.

Tidus especially had fun, even joining in their after work races, where they would see who could post the best time. The winner would get a prize, and the boy turned a steady stream of x-potions and a couple of mega-potions and ethers over to Lulu. Apparently the trainer was the best of them all, but she was too busy at present to race. Tidus was the only one that had the knack for breaking in the wild chocobos, but once he had done so, Wakka or Rikku, or sometimes even Yuna could work with them getting them more used to saddles and riders. Tidus tried to convince me to suspend training while we were there. Perhaps you can guess with what success. Then he tried to get me to agree to give up midday training at least. That didn't happen either. In fact, I trained even more than usual, not caring to devote any time to chocobos, and reacquired my lost ki-ability, Armor Break. Useful. Lulu spent most of her time reading and studying, and Kimahri watched constantly over Yuna.

The camp posted it's own guards, but I was used to getting up for the middle watch and I didn't want to fall out of the habit, so I would rise in the darkest part of the night and more often than not I would find the girl waiting for me when I left the tent. We didn't talk much those nights, she would just walk with me as I took a look around and checked the guards were alert, and I was glad of the company. It seems strange to say I missed the girl when we spent most of every day together, but I did miss going to sleep and waking up next to her. I suppose I've grown accustomed to it. When we were done she would give me a sleepy hug and go back into her tent and I would go back into mine.

And so the week passed.

And always, the Edge was there.

Rikku's Diary:

HA! I was speeding along the Edge of the World on Heddy, the fastest chocobo in the stable, going flat out with the wind rushing through my hair! Heddy was breathing hard, giving it everything she had knowing we were almost home, her claws throwing up clods of grass and dirt behind us, her head reaching forward and her wings twitching like she wanted to fly. It was almost dusk and we were racing the sun to see if we'd make it back before the last little bit of it disappeared. Heddy tripped over something and for a wild moment I thought we were going over the cliff, but I leaned and pulled hard and she got her footing and took off again! I loved being on Heddy! It was like being on a dirt bike with a mind of its own!

We were only a hundred yards away and the sun was sinking fast. It was going to be close! We cut in as close to the Edge as we could, I could have leaned over and looked straight down, and we actually jumped one place where the Edge pinched in rather than go around! AND WE MADE IT! HA! We sped through the gate just before the last of the sun disappeared below the horizon! I slid off Heddy's back and hugged her while the chocobo handlers clapped and whistled, and then I waved to them as they led Heddy off to clean and feed her and I walked off toward our tents. My heart was still beating wildly and I couldn't stop smiling.

"Rikku!"

I turned and the man was stalking up to me seething and barely under control.

"Auron...?"

"Rikku, what do you think you were doing! Racing that bird that close to the Edge, in bad light, one stumble, one rock in the wrong place and you could have gone over!"

"Oh, Auron," I smiled. "You were worried about me!"

He just looked at me for a moment, and then in the coldest voice I had ever heard from him, he said, "You're laughing?"

No!

"No, Auron! I wasn't laughing at you being scared for me! I wasn't!"

I threw my arms around him and hugged him tight. I could hear his heart pounding like mine, hard and fast.

"I'm sorry, Auron... I didn't mean to scare you. I know how much you care about me. But..."

I leaned back and looked up at him. His face was in shadow, silhouetted against the last weak rays of the dying sunset, and I could feel the desperate worry for me still pouring out of him in waves.

"Auron, I'm sorry I scared you—I am—but Auron," I grinned at him, "Don't you ever do anything just for the hell of it? Just because you're...uh, alive?"

Oh nice, Rikku-girl. Way to really almost put your foot in it. You almost said young. Think he noticed? The light's going now but I can see him better, and he's looking at me kind of funny.

"I really don't," he said flatly, turning to leave.

Well, hey! There you go. Another Auron moment brought to you by the good people at Legendary Pain in the Ass, Lmt., where he starts to show some real emotions just before he says something that sounds simple but it's really all fraught and mysterious and then he walks away so he doesn't have to deal with real human feelings! Maybe this wasn't the best time for this, when he was all angry and stuff. Maybe I should have let him go cool off, but suddenly I was sick of it!

"HEY!"

I caught up to him in a few steps and grabbed him by the empty sleeve and hauled him around to face me.

"HEY! YOU! Don't you walk away from me! From this! From US!"

"Rikku—" he began, shaking his head.

"NO, Auron! You're AFRAID! You know I have feelings for you, and you care about me, too, but you're afraid of feelings like that so you run away and hide!"

"You have no idea what I feel..."

"You HIDE! You're a COWARD hiding from your feelings behind all your secrets and your promises and your magic red coat...and THESE!" I shout, swiping at his damn sunglasses! "GIMME THOSE!"

I'm quick as a thief, but he was a trained fighter before I was born, and he knocks my hand away.

"Rikku!"

"You HIDE behind those glasses!" I yell at him, furious now. "Hide from all of us, like we're not GOOD enough to really know you! We're not BRASKA, or JECHT, we're all just KIDS! We're NOBODY!"

I didn't know where all this was coming from. Somewhere inside me, I guess, where I was still mad at him for everything.

"You hide behind your smile," he answered, crossing his arms.

What? Huh?

"Happy Rikku," he says, his voice all cold, "Chipper Rikku. That's you. Cheering people up, singing and teasing, making everyone around you feel better, making them love you so they'll do what you want. But that's not you, it's not the real you. You don't show yourself to anyone either, not to them and not to me. Are we even real to you? Who's real in Rikku's world?"

NOT FAIR!

"I TOLD you I was scared!" I yelled. "I TOLD you I was lonely!"

"I'll be impressed when you tell me you're unhappy."

"I CRIED in front of you!"

I was crying now. How did all this happen! How did we get HERE? To this place where I'm shouting at him and I can hear the ice in his voice, and the few feet between us might as well be miles, and all I really want is for him to hold me but I'm screaming at him that he's a coward?

"Tell a joke, Rikku. Make me laugh. Don't show me who you really are. Don't let anyone in. You don't need me or anyone."

It was like my whole world was falling apart and I was falling too and I was yelling at him that he wasn't even human he was some kind of machine, and he was whipping me with his words and his voice that was nothing but ice and steel and barbed wire slicing at my skin. I thought he was my friend, I thought he cared about me.

"Shut up!" I yelled, "Shut up shut up shut up!" and turned and ran, just ran, anywhere, anywhere away from him and all the words he used to cut me, and all the stupid little dreams I had about us, ran away from knowing that he had never liked me at all, stupid little Rikku! I fell against a railing near the edge of camp, clutching it to hold me up, and stumbled out onto the plain carrying a cold dead lump where my heart used to be. I didn't want to meet anyone, didn't want to see anyone, didn't want anything at all. I didn't know where I was going, I was just running away from the light and the pain, until I tripped and fell to the grass on my knees heaving with wretched sobs, tears dropping to the ground while the stars turned overhead.

...he said I was a star...

I don't know how long I cried. I cried because the world was big and I was alone and he was right, I was alone because I was too scared to let people in, too scared to let them know who I really was, because if I wasn't happy and smiling why would they ever like me, because I wasn't really anybody at all, just Cid's daughter. It was all the truth and I choked on it and my eyes hurt but when I finally looked up I thought I saw a tiny bit of color in the dark, and it was a pyrefly, drifting out into the night, and without thinking I scrambled to my feet. I don't know why I followed it, I knew it was dangerous out on the plain alone, and I didn't even have my weapons, and I could meet fiends any moment, but I didn't care, I just wanted to be away from camp and them and him and everything, so I followed that little spot of light, stumbling and tripping, falling and getting up again, and desperately chasing that tiny bit of light like it might somehow save me from everything that had happened. And then I couldn't see it anymore, didn't know where it had gone, and it took me a minute to realize that a man was standing a little in front of me on the plain, his face in his hand.

"Auron...?"

He head jerked up and he saw me, and I heard him say softly, "Rikku...? I'm sorry..."

I took five long awkward steps and tripped and fell but he was coming and he caught me and I threw my arms around him and held on as tight as I could, like I never wanted to let go, but his arms around me were gentle, as if he were afraid I might break.

"Rikku," he whispered, "I'm so sorry..."

"No, Auron—"

"Rikku, I was trying to hurt you and I'm not even sure why."

"I scared you," I breathed into his chest. "I'm sorry, I won't ever do it again! And I'm always pushing you, and judging you!"

"Rikku—"

"And you never judge me! I tell you you're mean and thoughtless and selfish, and you tell me I'm smart and strong and brave! I'm the selfish one! I never thought how you'd feel if I was hurt!"

Auron:

Somehow she's turned this all around so she's the one at fault, never thinking that she's right when she says she's the open one, the one who told me she's frightened and lonely, the one who admitted to me that a little part of her wishes Yuna was dead. I'm the one that keeps secrets. I'm the one who doesn't trust her. I can't trust her, but that doesn't make it right. She's happy Rikku to everyone else, but she trusts me, and she cries in front of me. She deserves to be trusted back.

And loved.

Rikku's Diary:

We didn't go back to the camp. We stayed out on the plain all night, waiting mostly in silence for the sun to come up, his coat wrapped around both of us. You know, we've fought before. Lots, when you think about it. But somehow...

"This was our first fight."

He heard me, and held me a little tighter, and even more gently. And a little later I whispered slowly into the dark.

"Auron...

"Will...would you...please, kiss me...?"

I felt him breathing, taking long deep breaths, his face buried in my hair. I waited. A minute passed. Two.

And he said quietly, "No."

Oh...oh well...I guess...

Oh.

Auron:

No. I won't. I know now that I can't encourage this crush to become anything more, can't lead her on any longer. And I realize that's what I've been doing, treating her advances like some little game the two of us were playing, not like real feelings at all. And I've never really looked at my feelings for this special girl before, just assumed and accepted and even welcomed that I was starting to love her in the same way that I loved Tidus, or even Braska or Jecht. And I just never realized how much I've come to care for her, or...in what way. It all happened somehow when I wasn't paying attention, building like a wave far out at sea before crashing over me. I was always looking at the horizon, at The Plan, at the war in Heaven, and never at this small wonder that was happening so close, sleeping at night sometimes inside the very circle of my arms. I don't know what I feel for her, I only know that I don't dare feel what she wants me to. I can't hurt her that way.

Tonight after we fought, I wandered out to the plain alone, with the single bleak thought slashing through my head that I had hurt her so much. And then...

I thought that I had left all my tears in Zanarkand many years ago, but I was wrong. I had one tear left, and it turned into a pyrefly, and brought her back to me.

Next: Bleak