"You say you read it in a book, Hermione?" Harry asked. "Well, then it must be right. Where did you get this book?"
"Oh. I have access to all the books," Hermione replied. "Right here in this little beaded bag. Comes in handy."
"Wait. What do you mean by 'all the books?'"
Ginny purred as Hermione explained. "I mean all the books. Every book that was ever written in every language on Earth. I have them. Right here. Ginny! Wands are not used for - Stop that!" she hissed as Ginny began to show her appreciation for Hermione's well-endowed library.
"Right. Well, if we're going to try this, we'll need to make sure we've got everything, or else it'll surely backfire. Neville?"
"Three goats, a jar of cold cream, and six meters of ribbon. This shit's on lock, G."
"Tonks?"
"A quart of polyjuice, and it's a waxing one-quarter moon tonight."
"Luna?"
"Oh, I'll just be comic relief, Harry," Luna replied. "Plus, I'll be tripping balls when we get there. Radish earrings - who else would come up with such a thing? Oh, and I got the halcyon-laced lemon sherbets from my connection."
"Hannah?"
"Girlfriend wanna be like me, never. I make you hot as Las Vegas weather," replied the mousy blonde former Hufflepuff.
The rest of Harry's Inner Circle just groaned.
"Dammit, Neville!" Tonks shouted. "What the hell did you do to her?"
"Man," Neville answered. "I ain't done - oh shit. Yo, check this out."
Behind Hannah appeared Colin and Dennis Creevey. Colin handed her a golden, jewel-encrusted walking stick, while Dennis put a similarly-styled goblet filled with elf-made wine in her hand. Neville snapped his fingers, and Narcissa appeared next to him with his own goblet, filled with pumpkin juice. He raised it in salute to Hannah, who smiled wickedly.
"Much respect, G," he said. Around the two of them could be heard the slapping of palms into faces.
"Right. Hannah, really?" Harry asked. "Colin, okay, whatever. But Dennis? Isn't he like, thirteen or something?"
Hannah shrugged her shoulders. "The brother had it going on with something kinda wicked, wicked. Had to kick it. I'm not shy so I asked for the digits."
Harry rolled his eyes. "Par for the course, I guess. Anyway, do you have the lipstick, nail polish and extra robes?"
Hannah shot Harry a wink and nodded her head in response.
"Er, word," Harry said. "Susan? All good?"
"Quite," Susan said. "Auntie will be in location at precisely ten past seven."
"Wonderful. OPP? What about you lot? You're just firsties, so if you want to back out, now's the time."
"We're down," Oliver replied. We're just there to look vacant and shocked, right?"
"Well, I guess our dastardly plan is set then. Tonight, my minions, we strike. Excellent!" Harry said, grinning and rubbing his hands together maliciously.
"If you ask me to morph into a teddy bear, Potter," Tonks said, "I'll spend your entire class day reading teen paranormal romance - with the soul bond open!"
Harry looked at the floor, sheepishly. "Right. Can it with the evil genius stuff. Anyway, I think supper is ready.
That evening, at precisely twenty-three minutes to seven, Hermione and Ginny shared one last kiss (for luck, of course) at the base of the staircase leading up to the Headmaster's office. At nineteen minutes to seven, Hermione realized they ought to button their blouses and get moving, as they were at that point a minute behind schedule. Ginny invoked Privilege of Legacy at the gargoyle in a particularly nasal whine, asking it to leave its post for the evening. They downed their polyjuice, checked that their surprises were still hidden, and made their way into the Headmaster's office.
"Oh, Albie!" Hermione said in a sing-song voice. "It is so good to see you." Hermione ran up to the Headmaster, giving him a tight squeeze and turning his attention from his desk, as Ginny swapped out the lemon drops.
"Arianna?" Albus asked, dumbfounded. "But you're -"
"Oh, don't you worry about that, darling," Hermione continued. "Just have a lemon sherbet with me, the way we used to in the garden out back of the house when you were nine. It will be like we never left." Albus took a lemon drop and sat back in his chair, feeling the calming effects of the mild hallucinogen immediately. Hermione pantomimed taking a drop herself, as did Ginny, who sat down on Albus's lap. Hermione typed "Mark A" into her charmed DA Galleon, and Harry, Neville, Luna, Su and the OPP firsties began to walk towards the castle
"Gellert!" Albus said. "It's been so long, my little Knufflebunny!" Ginny put a finger over Albus's lips as he tried to kiss her.
"Not so fast, snookums," Ginny said. "Look, we have a surprise for you, just like in the old days!"
Ginny and Hermione stood up, pulled three shrunken goats, plus the various ingredients their comrades-in-arms had procured from their pockets and, with a mild body-bind, had them remain in place facing the door.
"Oh, but they're... beautiful!" Albus said. "Look at them! They're so perky!"
"Yes, yes they are, darling," Hermione squeaked out, trying to keep down the bile that was rising from her stomach. "Why don't you just give us a bit, and they'll be all ready for you."
Albus sat at his desk, and watched in rapture as Ginny and Hermione outfitted the livestock with student robes, lipstick - 'on the puckery bits, too,' Albus admonished - and nail polish on the hooves. They tied bows with the ribbon around the middle of each goat, outside the robes, and used the excess to fashion reins leading from the horns to the back of each animal.
"They look like six little maypoles!" Albus cried, jumping up and down. "Now, do you have the cold cream for my manly parts? And are you going to apply it, like usual, Gellert?" Albus asked. It was a close call for Ginny to avoid vomiting all over the office floor, but she maintained composure.
"Oh, it's been so long, Albie!" Ginny said. "Why don't you just get ready so I can be surprised?"
Ginny turned her back, trying very hard not to think about what was going on underneath the Headmaster's desk, while Hermione typed "Mark B" into her Galleon. Luna and Su applied the lipstick and nail polish to Oliver and Peter, while Penelope made herself up. They then took their shots of polyjuice, their laced lemon drops, and waited underneath Harry's invisibility cloak. Meanwhile, Susan sent a Patronus to her aunt, saying that Harry and Neville were in the Headmaster's office, and she was afraid they were about to be kidnapped, so she'd better bring some backup.
Once he was finished preparing himself with cold cream and a complete lack of shame, a very naked and excited Albus Dumbledore emerged from behind his desk, crying "Ready or not, here I come, mis penqueños cabritos lindos!" Hermione typed "Go" into her Galleon, Ginny tried to think happy thoughts, and Harry counted to thirty. About ten seconds after the Headmaster found his lipstick-covered target, and just as he was building up a head of steam, the door to his office opened, and the crew standing outside made their way in.
"Hi Headmaster, you wanted to - Headmaster! What are you doing?" cried Harry, as the headmaster jumped out and away from his bovid paramours.
"Yo, seriously?" Neville asked, getting between the headmaster and the livestock.. "Goats? My parents raised goats you sick bastard! Those animals have feelings. Real feelings!"
As Neville was going on, Harry lifted the invisibility cloak off of the three first years, and replaced the animals with the polyjuiced students. A wrinkle of his nose secured the ribbons in place. The animals were shrunk and given to Su, who made her way back to the boat. Suddenly, there was a flash in the fireplace, and Amelia Bones, accompanied by sixteen Aurors First Class, emerged from the floo.
"Sweet Merlin, Professor!" she exclaimed, as Harry wrinkled his nose at the first years. "I've seen some sick things in my time, but this! This is just - ew. Are you boys - Oh my God."
As she was finishing, the three first-years began to emerge from their polyjuiced selves, still gaudily made up, and with their ribbons on the floor in front of them. Hermione and Ginny had disappeared underneath the invisibility cloak.
The entire room stood, speechless, as the three first years began to stumble in place, before regaining their footing. As soon as they saw the Headmaster flinch, six different Aurors had their wands trained on him, while another four slapped magic-blocking manacles on his wrists. A livid, but very concerned Amelia Bones walked over to the three first-years and knelt down to their height.
"Do you children know where you are?" she asked. When they struggled to form complete words, Amelia waved her wand in front of them.
"My goodness. They're drugged to the gills! Holden! Cameron! Look for the source!"
The two aurors saluted and began waving their wands around the office, very quickly coming across the laced lemon drops. When Amelia saw the candy begin to glow, she walked over to Albus and slapped him hard across the face.
"You are the most vile, disgusting creature I have ever laid eyes on, Albus Dumbledore. If you're lucky, you get pushed through the veil tonight. If not, I will haunt you every day you are incarcerated with images of what you've done to these children. May the Gods have mercy on you, Dumbledore, because Justice sure as shit won't. Get him out of my sight!"
After the Headmaster had been dragged out of his office through the floo by the contingent of Aurors, Amelia turned to Luna, who was busy moving her hand in front of her face slowly, watching the multi-colored trails of light chase after it.
"You - Lovegood, right?"
"Oh yes. Yes, that's me, Ma'am," Luna answered.
"Would you take these children to the Hospital Wing, Miss Lovegood? Hopefully they can just sleep it off, and wake up not remembering much of what happened."
"Oh, they'll be fine, Madame Bones," Luna replied. "It's just an infestation of Flippering Narzlewhatsitses that has their little brains all befuddled. That should clear up in a few hours by itself. I think Tonks has something for that back on the boat. I'll just take them there, then. Ta!"
There were a couple of moments of general laughter at the zany Luna and her madcap antics before Madame Bones became the extra-serious Head of DMLE once more.
"Lord-Baron Potter-Black, Lord Longbottom," she said. "I am terribly sorry you have to witness this. Were it not for my niece alerting me to a possible kidnapping here today, I wouldn't have even shown up to see this - this horror. Did Dumbledore lure you up here for the same depraved purposes?"
"I don't think so," Harry answered. "We were about half an hour early - I think he just wanted to remind us who is in charge. Right now, it doesn't look as though he is, so I'll assume we can just go back to our common room. I'd kinda like to get out of here as soon as possible - this office gives me the creeps."
Harry turned around to leave before seeing the subtle shimmering of an invisibility cloak on the floor in the corner. He lifted it up to find a cat and a bunny rabbit on a pile of women's clothing, breaking several laws of God and Nature. He scooped the squirming pile up in his cloak, slung it over his shoulder, and he and Neville made their goodbyes and thank yous to Madame Bones, who told them she would schedule a time to take their statements about what they had seen.
That evening, as the Dumbledore's Gone party raged, and "Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead" blared over the phonograph, Tonks and Harry decided to retire to their private berthing, rather than partake in the festivities.
"You know, sugarbritches," Tonks said as they were snuggled in their rack, watching the moonlight dance on the ripples of the lake. "We sure got ol' Dumbles good, but there's something about the way we did it that rather bugs me."
"What's that, Tonks?"
"Well, he is, or was the only out gay professor at the school. And we've framed him into doing some horribly deviant sexual things to get him thrown on his ear. Did we, wittingly or unwittingly, make a statement about homosexuality and sexual deviancy by doing that?"
"This would be the wrong time to invoke the 'some of my best friends are' excuse and point to Ron and Hermione, right?" Harry asked. "Oh well. Anyway, I didn't mean anything by it, and I certainly hope no one infers anything like that. I mean, really. Who would we be to talk about deviancy, anyway, with what goes on on board this ship? And we're the good guys."
"I suppose you're right," Tonks said, snuggling back into her husband's chest. "Ooh, which reminds me. That strap-on came in the owl post this afternoon. Did you want to try it out?"
"Do I ever!" exclaimed Harry. "You get it on, I'll get the bit and bridle."