Chapter 25: In Which Step One has Mixed Results

The next day, Clara put Percy's plan into action.

"Um, Apple? Can I talk to you?" Clara asked tentatively.

"Of course, Clara; what is it?" Apple replied.

"Well, you see…" Clara paused as she saw Flo and Mitena swimming towards them. That last thing Clara needed was her overprotective cousin interfering! "Quick, in here!" Clara exclaimed as she pushed Apple into a nearby empty classroom.

"Clara! What's going on?!" Apple asked. Clara nervously peeped through the glass window in the door. Flo hadn't noticed them at all. Gott sei Dank! Clara thought.

"Traurig, er, sorry Apple. It's just I don't want Flo to know. He gets so uptight; I can't imagine how he'd react to this."

"React to what?"

Clara took a deep breath. "Apple, I have a squash."

Apple frowned. "A squash? How did you get a squash at the bottom of the sea?"

"Nein! I mean I have a…" This was the worst possible time to forget what the English word for verliebtheit was! Clara tried again: "A pound?"

"A pound of what?"

"What?"

"What?"

Suddenly the word came back to Clara. "A crush! I have a crush!" She said triumphantly. But she made a mental note to keep working on her English slang.

Apple's eyes lit up. "Oh Clara, that's wonderful! Is this your first one?! It must be; you're thirteen, right?"

"Twelve, actually."

"OhMyGodmother, you're growing up so fast! Your very first crush, how exciting! What's his name?"

"Ty. Ty Tanic." Clara said with confidence.

"And what's he like?"

"What's he like?" Clara said with significantly less confidence. She hadn't given much thought to Ty Tanic beyond his name.

"Yes! I need details!"

"What's he like…well…he's…erm…twelve, like me of course. He's in lots of my classes. He's..erm…cute. Really cute. Cuter-than-a-baby-seal-playing-with-a-ball cute. So well, ja, really cute…and well…Ich weiß nicht, was zu sagen, weil ich lüge , so dass nur mir vertrauen und aufhören , Fragen zu stellen!" Clara finished in one great rush. And just to ensure that Apple would mistake her profound frustration for passion, she added: "Sorry. I just can't find the words in English to describe what he's like and how I feel! I have to revert to my native tongue! You understand, don't you Apple?"

"Perfectly! That's very beautiful, Clara. I may not understand your exact words, but I completely understand your feelings."

Not that well. Clara thought. But so far everything was going according to plan. Now to make the next move:

"So will you help me Apple?" Clara eagerly asked.

"What?"

"Help me win Ty's heart!"

Apple looked flustered. "Well…it's wonderful that you're having your first crush Clara, but…aren't you a little young to be pursuing it? After all, you have all of…"

" 'The rest of my life to date.' Ja, I know, I know: that's exactly what Aunt Hildegard keeps telling me! But I don't want to wait, Apple. I want to start now!"

"But Clara…"

"Oh please don't start 'but Claraing' me Apple! I get that all time from Aunt Hildegard, Flo, and everybody. I told you because I thought you'd be different. I thought you could help me."

Clara could see that Apple was weakening. And she decided to go in for the kill:

"Apple I nearly died from pollution not too long ago. And it taught me to make the most of every single moment and every single opportunity. I can't let Ty pass me by! Please help me? Please?" Clara's eyes looked huge and piteous in her skinny face and her bottom lip quivered.

Apple caved. "Alright."

Clara's smile was absolutely radiant as she gave Apple a huge hug. "Yes! Oh danke, Apple! Danke! Can we get started today?!"

"Of course. Meet me after school and we'll go to my place."

"Wunderbar! Oh, and can you please not tell anyone, Apple? I don't want this getting back to Flo; once I'm dating Ty, he'll get over it, but he'll try and mess it up before then. Dummkopf."

"Well, if you promise to tell him at some point…"

"I will!"

"Then I'll keep your secret."

"Great! I'll see you later, Apple! And thank you again; you're the best!"

And Clara swam off to tell Percy and Sep that phase one of step one was a success!

Phase two of step one wasn't quite as simple.

The minute Clara swam into Apple's room, Apple started explaining all the nuances of dating etiquette and demonstrating all the things that a girl should know to inspire tender feelings. How to casually flip one's hair in slow motion. How to bat one's eyes precisely two times in order to elicit weak knees and goofy grins. How and when to smile with one's lips closed. How and when to smile with one's teeth showing. How to speak with one's eyes and what to say with them. How to ask someone to carry your books. How to give and receive compliments. How to walk (or in Clara's case, swim). How to dress. How to giggle. How to blush. It was all very overwhelming and Clara could hardly get a word in edgewise. It was a huge relief when Apple finally said:

"Now, any questions?"

"Yes!" Clara said eagerly. "Is this how dating is in the U.F.K.? It seems so…different from here…are you sure this will work?"

"Of course! Romance is universal Clara; all the books say so."

"Books? What books?"

"All the books we read at Ever After High. It's part of princessology, damsel in distressing, and wooing classes."

"Wait. You mean you're required to study all this in school?"

"Of course. Romance is very big deal in my world; it's the foundation of so many wonderful stories!"

"So True Love must also be a big deal there, right?"

"Absolutely!"

"How do you know if it's True Love? Your teachers must cover that in class."

Apple smiled. "Well, you know it's True Love when…when…well, when…"

Apple's smile faded as she realized that she didn't know how to define True Love. Her teachers and parents had always stressed how important True Love was, but they had never addressed how to identify it. True Love had never been explicitly described in any text book that Apple had ever read. No book could ever do that (and even if there was such a book, Headmaster Grimm would have banned it, just as he banned True Hearts Day. But Apple didn't know that).

For a couple minutes, Apple stared off into space as she tried to figure out how to explain True Love. But when she looked back at Clara's young, expectant face, she felt obligated to tell the truth.

"I really don't know Clara. It hasn't been covered in class and I've never experienced it myself. I guess everybody thinks we students will figure it out when it happens. But it's supposed to be wonderful and amazing. I know that much."

"But what about crushes? You must know more about that. And not just from books; you must have loads of practical experience! Didn't anybody have crushes on you back at Ever After High?"

"Oh yes."

"How many?"

"Well…" Apple began counting on her fingers. "There's Tiny, Hero, Humphry, Nathan, Michael, Asher, Stanley, Leo, Fredrick, Crispin, Fergus, Jackson, Gregory, Samson, L.B., Tom…"

Clara's jaw hit the floor. "THAT MANY?!" She exclaimed. Sure, Apple was pretty, nice, smart, fun, and brave, but she couldn't be the only attractive girl at Ever After High. Clara could see the pictures on the walls around her; Apple's friends back home looked just as lovely. What was so special about Apple?!

"Well, yes."

"You must have really mastered all these techniques…is that how you got so many guys to like you?"

"I do try to pay attention in class and practice what I've learned. But it really has little to do with that. I just naturally have that effect on guys."

"Really?"

"Mmm-hmm. It's all part of being the daughter of Snow White and the fairest of them all. We White princesses…"

"Hold on: you're a PRINCESS?!" That had never come up before. Although it did explain that tacky crown Apple wore in most of her old pictures.

"Well, yes. I am." Since Apple realized that royal status didn't really matter for young people in Atlantis (hex, even the resident royal teenagers got very little special treatment down here), she didn't talk about being Crown Princess of the U.F.K. very much anymore. That, and she knew that most merpeople, including her own friends, thought her family story was very similar to the tale of Lena the Dumb. And she really didn't like to bring that up. So Clara, Mitena, Flo, and Jay (who were all fairly new friends) didn't know about Apple's upbringing.

Clara had to fight every girly urge she had to bombard Apple with questions about being a princess on land. She had to stay focused and stick with the relevant questions.

"So…you're a princess. I guess it makes sense that lots of guys have crushes on you."

"Kind of…but then, at my old school, being a princess isn't really a huge thing. Most of my friends are princesses in one way or another."

"Then why do so many guys have crushes on you?"

"Like I said, I'm Snow White's daughter. I'm the daughter of the queen of the entire United Fairytale Kingdom. Most of the other princesses are from kingdoms within the U.F.K. and one day, I'll rule over everybody."

"So boys like you because you'll be high queen? Isn't that kind of shallow?"

"No! Well…yes. I mean…" Clara had brought up another disturbing concept for Apple. Back home, throngs of boys swooned whenever she appeared. But that wasn't the case in Atlantis. Why?

The only thing Apple could come up with was that people didn't care that she was the daughter of Snow White down here. Was that really the secret to her allure back home? Her standing as Crown Princess?

Up to now, Apple thought that being extraordinarily attractive was proof that she was indeed a White princess. But maybe just being a White princess was what made her extraordinarily attractive. That, and nothing more.

The thought was chilling.

No, Apple thought to herself. There has to be more to it than that! And she did her best to justify that to herself and Clara:

"It's not just that." Apple explained. "White princesses are naturally appealing; we can't help but attract attention from boys. Um ,well, at least on land." But deep down, she wondered if that was really true.

"So if you're the subject of a lot of crushes, can you recognize if someone has a crush on you? Can you tell me what to look for in a guy? You know, so I can tell if Ty likes me back?" Clara asked.

Apple gave Clara a thorough, yet somewhat cliché, answer that sounded like it could have come from a textbook (which it probably did):

"He'll tell you you're pretty, offer to carry stuff for you, go out of his way to help you, want to spends lots of time with you, follow you around like a puppy, and even go so far as to save you from injury if need be. His eyes will light up and he'll have a huge goofy grin on his face whenever you're around. He may get flustered sometimes but overall his adoration of you makes him fearless. He won't be afraid to take risks or look foolish for you. He'll find all sorts of little ways to make you happy and will try very hard to make you laugh. Oh, and he'll give you flowers."

Clara jotted Apple's description down. "Danke, Apple! This will be a huge help. But what about you?"

"Me?"

"Ja. Sure this is great for knowing if a guy likes you, but what do you like in a guy? Haven't you ever had crushes?"

"Just once." Apple replied. "I liked a prince back home that I had known for a long time. My crush was so big, I was certain that it was True Love and we'd wind up together forever after. But he wound up dating someone else."

"Oh. Did it hurt? Does it…still hurt?" Clara wondered if a lingering broken heart was why Apple couldn't see Jay's love for her.

"Not anymore. I was miserable for a week, but I got over it. I don't think I would have been very happy with him anyway. He's kind of conceited. And there's lots of other guys out there."

Scratch that theory. Clara thought. She decided to press on: "Ja, but that can't be the only crush you've had…"

"Mara wasn't a crush." Apple said bitterly. "He was a mistake."

"Eew! No! I wasn't talking about him." Clara said as she wrinkled her nose. "I meant, haven't you had feelings for anyone else? Somebody down here, maybe? What about Orlando?"

"Orlando? He's a sweetie, but I can't imagine him with anyone other than Ruby. They're perfect together!"

"OK, Atticus?"

"Atticus is very intelligent, but I don't think I could sit through so many history lectures."

"Flo?"

"Your cousin is a great guy, but I don't feel anything for him beyond friendship. Besides, I think he'd be so cute with Mitena, don't you?"

"Oh totally!" Agreed Clara. "Do you think…" Clara had to remind herself to stay focused. It was time to ask the most revealing question:

"I mean, do you think Jay would be a good boyfriend?" Clara asked.

"Absolutely." Apple said. "He's kind, fun, smart, handsome, and caring; he would make a perfect boyfriend. Just not for me."

Clara couldn't believe what she was hearing! Apple just said out loud that Jay would be a perfect boyfriend! She liked him! She really liked him! This was wonderful!

But then the last part of Apple's response sunk in: Just not for me.

What in the seven seas did that mean?!

But before Clara could ask, she could hear Flo and Aunt Hildegard's voices talking with Aiden Merlin.

"Clara, zeit zu gehen!" Aunt Hildegard called.

"Ich komme, Tante Hildegard." Clara responded. She turned back to Apple. "Apple …"

"Aw what a shame, you have to go already?" Apple said innocently. "Time sure does fly."

"Ja, but Apple…"

"It's OK, Clara, I think I've taught you everything you need to know!"

"But Apple…."

"No buts. You're ready for this. Just remember how to flip your hair, how to bat your eyes, how to smile, how to speak with your eyes, how to ask him to carry your books, how to give and receive compliments, how to walk, er swim, how to dress, how to giggle, how to blush, and you'll be fine!"

"Apple, that's not…"

"And don't worry. I won't tell Flo until you're ready."

"Apple…"

"Come on Clara!" Flo called. "We've got to go!"

Clara had no choice but to give up and go home.

So much for phase two.

Sep was way frustrated when Clara described her conversation with Apple to him and Percy the following day:

"GAH! Out of all the things you failed to ask her, and you failed to ask her a LOT, by the way, how could you fail to ask her that?! 'He'd be a perfect boyfriend, just not for me.' What kind of response is that?! How could you not ask about that?!"

"I tried!" Clara said defensively. "But she started yammering on about eye-batting, hair-flipping, and closed-mouth-smiling and wouldn't stop! I couldn't ask her anything for over two hours! And when I got to the good stuff, Aunt Hildegard came in; it's not my fault!"

"What kind of detective are you?" Sep said in disgust.

"Better than you!" Clara snapped. "You couldn't even get answers from her!"

"Could so!"

"Could not!

"Could so!"

"Could not!"

"Could…"

"Could you two cut it out?!" Percy yelled. The two younger merpeople fell silent.

"OK." Percy said. "So things didn't go according to plan. We didn't have time to get to all the questions we wanted. I should have known that Apple would go crazy with this topic. But that's nobody's fault, right Sep?" Sep grudgingly nodded his head. But he was still smarting over having his detective skills insulted.

Percy continued: "But this was not a total loss; we still got a lot of good info."

"We did?" Clara asked.

"Like what?" Sep added.

"One, Apple comes from a world where romance and dating is very much by the book. If you'll pardon the pun." Percy said.

"Huh?" Clara said.

"You know, because they're fairy-tale characters? And their stories are found in books? Get it? Ah, never mind. The point is, everything has to be just so when it comes to love there. If it's not what's described in the textbook, it doesn't really count." Percy explained.

"I see!" Sep said. "That's why Apple doesn't get that Jay likes her. He's not doing things by the book! Well, her book anyway."

"Yeah, that's part of it." Percy said.

"Wait!" Clara said. "That can't be right; Jay is doing it by her book. He's doing everything that she described." And Clara went through her notes of Apple's description of a boy with a crush:

"He tells her she's pretty, offers to carry her stuff, goes out of his way to help her, spends lots of time with her, and follows her around like a puppy…" Clara stopped. "What is a puppy anyway?" She asked.

"It's like a seal pup with legs." Sep explained.

"Oh, OK." She continued: "He definitely saved her from injury, his eyes light up and he smiles like a goof when she's around, and he gets flustered but adores her. He isn't afraid to look dumb for her, he tries to make her happy, and he loves to make her laugh. The only thing he hasn't done is bring flowers."

"Because he can't." Percy pointed out.

"Well, ja." Clara admitted. "But he's doing everything else!"

"So she doesn't get that he likes her because he's not bringing flowers?" Sep said incredulously. "That's dumb. That's Lena the Dumb dumb!"

"Guys, it's not that." Percy said. "Even if there were flowers down here, she still wouldn't get it. It's not what Jay's doing, but how he's doing it. He's doing nearly everything the book says, but not in the way that Apple's used to. Everything's so precise and formal and over-the-top there, but Jay's not like that. He's sincere, but he's too subtle for Apple."

"He's subtle?!" Sep said disbelievingly as he remembered all of Jay's obvious displays of affection.

"For Apple anyway. Remember all that weird stuff she taught Clara? And that crazy family story of hers? They are NOT subtle up there! But that's only part of the problem." Percy said.

"What's the other part?" Clara asked.

"Another part is that Apple is jaded to romance."

"No she's not." Clara said. "She loves it!"

"Yeah, but according to you, she has boys throwing themselves at her all the time at home because she's the Crown Princess. And it sounds way superficial. Great as Apple is, all those guys are probably just star-struck. Apple's used to guys giving her special treatment without it really meaning anything. Even when it is 'done correctly.' And then there's the most important part."

"What's that?" Sep asked.

"Apple thinks that Jay is totally out of the question! As long as she thinks that, he's got no chance."

"But why?" Clara said. "She said he'd be a perfect boyfriend!"

"Yeah!" Sep said. "Why would she even admit that if she doesn't intend to date him herself?!"

"Guys, I think we need to commence to Step Two." Percy said.