"I seriously wanted to use that night. At first I was just walking around, trying to get my mind off it."

"Were you tempted to find someone you could buy drugs from?"

"Yeah, but it's not like I knew where to go to get it." Dabi said, though he knew chances were it wouldn't have been too hard. It's not like he hadn't sought out suppliers before in areas he wasn't familiar with. "So I went to the diner. I mean, what were the odds of running into a dealer or something? I figured I'd stay there for a while, drink some coffee, just take the time to get my head on straight."

"What was going through your head during this time?"

"A lot of things." Dabi shrugged. "At first I was pissed. I was thinking about how I had planned to propose but then Miu had to go bring up all this shit out of nowhere. Well, I guess looking back on it, maybe it wasn't that surprising. I just never saw it coming. But I felt really attacked and I didn't want to deal with it. And then I felt guilty for being pissed."

"Is that why you left?"

"No. I thought, 'okay you want me gone, I'm gone'. And then I felt bad because I knew I was being a dick about it. I couldn't handle that either. So I left."

Dabi's knee bounces up and down; he's sitting on the edge of his seat; his fingers are interlaced tight between his legs. He keeps his eyes on the ground for the most part. There's a ragged, tired quality to his already perpetually dull stare that Nemuri knows she would have a hard time looking straight at if she wasn't a professional.

"It was...it sort of just kept getting stronger. I thought Miu wanted to end things, but it didn't really seem real until I kept thinking about how different things were going to be from now on."

"How would things be different?"

"She'd be gone. She would come over. She probably wouldn't ever talk to me again."

"And this upset you?"

Dabi looked at her like she had to be messing with him. "Well, yeah."

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why does this upset you?"

"It just does." Dabi said somewhat impatiently. "I-I kept thinking about how it all was for nothing. We spent all this time together and we...we got to know each other and it would have all been for nothing because I couldn't handle things when they got tough. I shouldn't have left. I kept thinking about how I shouldn't have left. And then I thought about all the time I'd have now."

"Go on."

Dabi frowned. "I'd have a lot of time freed up if we ended things. And it's not like anyone would really give a shit what I did. So why not? Why not use again? I have my own money. I can use it however I want."

"This gave you a reason to start again."

"Yeah."

"Is this the first time you've thought of using since your release?"

"It's the first time I was serious about it." Dabi hangs his head and breathes through his nose. "I don't get it. I never craved it like this in prison."

It's like there's bugs scratching on the inside of his skull. He can practically taste the smoke, feel it surge through his mouth, his lungs, the chemicals traveling to his brain. It's not like anything he's ever had. It both sends him into a rush and leaves his body weightless.

It feels like perfection. It feels like nothing really matters, but also, everything just feels better. Roughly twenty minutes of pure euphoria. Nothing else matters and nothing can reach him. He's invincible, untouchable. When Dabi smokes, he doesn't need food or drink or sleep. He's gone days without all three on his binges.

The thing is, when the high is over it's over
"I find many former inmates struggle with something similar. Being incarcerated doesn't give you a chance to follow through. Now there's more opportunities for temptation. I've seen a pattern where the urge becomes particularly strong after an upsetting incident."

"No kidding."

"So, you met the woman and went home with her then?"

"Yeah. She didn't know I was planning to use. She figured I was out alone...I figured sleeping with someone would prolong the inevitable. It'd at least keep me from doing that shit and I didn't want to go home. I thought Miu wouldn't be there."

Nemuri nodded. "Why haven't you told her?"
"I thought she'd try to leave me again and…I swear I wasn't going to hurt her. I wouldn't. I wasn't going to, I didn't hurt her."
"What did you do?"
"I sort of backed her into the door. I touched her face. I asked her to not go, but she wouldn't listen. But I didn't hurt her."

"But you tried to stop her from leaving." Nemuri says evenly. "I should remind you that under the terms of our contract, I am legally and ethically obligated to report to my supervisor whether you appear to be a danger to you or others."

Dabi started. "What? I didn't do anything; I was upset, but Miu changed her mind! I promised her I would change and she said she'd give me another chance."

"Alright. How has Miu acted towards you since? Does she seem afraid? Resentful?"

"She...I've been giving her space. We only see each other after work and not even every day. I text her and call her, but she only picks up sometimes-but that's fine." Dabi adds quickly. "I know she's busy and she probably has a lot to think about."

Dabi fails to mention how every day has been torture since. Every day that goes by, Miu seems to move farther away. Miu only answers texts that need a direct answer and she only calls back when Dabi calls her more than once. They see each other, they talk, but it's nothing like before. There's barely any talking. Dabi slips into bed and holds Miu close and breathes in and out deeply, slowly. He asks her about her day: Miu says it was fine. She asks how work was. Dabi says it's okay. Miu doesn't push him back or pull him close or give any indication she is angry or bitter. She just isn't there. She might as well be a ghost for how cold she is in his arms. Dabi has never felt more alone. Solitary isn't so depressing.

"And when you are together? Do you still think of using?"
Dabi licks his lips and his knee bounces faster. "Not really. Things are okay. We hang out still, but-"

"What?"

Dabi gives Nemuri a look. "It's kind of personal, if you get my drift."
"If you're referring to your physical intimacy, I should tell you I've also received training for therapy with couples concerning-"

"Okay, I get it." Dabi sighs. "It's not a big deal. I mean, it's only been a couple of weeks since I was with that girl but…"

Nemuri waits and Dabi swallows down his frustration.

"Miu...she's not into it anymore. She barely looks at me."

"She's not engaging."
"Yeah, that. After the first few times, I just stopped trying." Dabi runs a hand through his hair. "Yesterday...she told me she's thinking of going on a road trip in the summer, with her friend who runs that thrift store. I-I know….I promised I wouldn't make a big deal out of-but come on, what did she think I would do?"

"What did you do?"

"I told her I didn't like it. She hasn't called me since."

"It seems like you're worried she'll cheat on you after this incident."

"I...They'll be alone for three months in motels. He probably knows all about my screw up, he's probably been just waiting for a chance to-"

"And if that's true? Do you not trust Miu would remain faithful?

"If Miu leaves, she's not coming back, I can't-"

"Don't you trust her?"

"I DON'T KNOW, OKAY?!"

This time, Nemuri jumps slightly.

Dabi is on his feet. In his anger, he's slammed his fist against the armrest, likely cracking the wood or the bones in his hand. Harsh breathing is the only sound in the room for a few seconds.

"You need to calm down."

Dabi stares at Nemuri, his scowl slowly fading into an ashamed grimace; her composure is back and there's a hint of steel in her reasonable voice.

"I'm sorry."

Dabi collapses back on the chair and buries his head in his hands. He feels like a husk. After a moment, Dabi curls in on himself and grips his hair tight, as if the pain could snap him back to normal.

All Dabi wants is to be normal, to be whole and sober. He wants a house somewhere quiet with lots of space, where he can see the open, starry sky. He wants to not have nervous ticks and come from a broken home. He wants to be able to manage his finances on time, every time, and act like an adult. He wants routine and security. He wants someone to love him and tell him every day. But even more than all that, Dabi wants to feel like he deserves them in the first place.

"Have you raised your voice to Miu like that?"

"No, not like that. Nemuri, you gotta believe me. I wouldn't hurt Miu. But I can't just let her leave, alone or otherwise. If she goes, she's never coming back."

"Why do you believe that? What's causing all these second guesses?"
"I just don't know."

Nemuri watches as Dabi rocks back and forth and mutters under his breath. She watches and wishes she could reach inside his head to steal the doubts that plague his mind and drive him closer and closer to the edge.

"Miu is the...she's good. I know she's not perfect, but she's pretty fucking close. And she wants me...or she did. I'm not sure anymore. But if that's true and something happens that drives her off for good, it's all over. I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. For a while, I was thinking if someone like Miu could love me I must not be that bad. I must still have a chance."

"A chance for what?"

"To be okay. To stay clean and start over. I know there's a lot of things I can't make up for, but I thought there was still...but I ruined it. How could I tell her I was so close to using again? It'd just give her another reason to pull away. She's already scared of me-"

Nemuri is staring at him with nothing short of compassion but Dabi can see there's more. There's pity. But he can't bring himself to be irritated at her. Dabi knows he must seem pretty pitiful right about now.

"Why do you think that?" Nemuri asks gently. "It seems to me you're connecting Miu leaving with you not being able to move forward. As if one relationship not working means you can't succeed in the other areas of your life."

"Because then it's just more proof I don't deserve to...to be happy."

Dabi blinks. His hands drop to his lap. Nemuri says nothing.

"It's just one more thing that makes me like...him…"

"Your father."

Dabi can't bring himself to look at her.

"No, I-I'm not like him. I wouldn't force Miu to stay. I wouldn't treat Miu like he...I didn't mean to scare her. I-but I can't just let her go."

"And if Miu decides she wants to end things?"

"She won't."

Dabi leaves the session praying that's true.