a/n: so i was a little scared posting this chapter out ;-; idk how yall would react... but i was like 'fuck it' if they're angry and sad, ill take it all, ive dealt with this before. so... here it is!

What is this? What is this feeling?

They were all talking except for two certain individuals. Martha and Andrew were both sitting beside her eating… yet, she hadn't touched her food. Elsa's father sat across from them, along with her mother. This felt unreal. Anna really wanted to wake up from this dream, and she kept telling herself that. She never could wake up.

All she had done… was think, blankly staring at her plate in an attempt to act normal. Her heart was pounding so loudly. How is… she feeling?

Anna hadn't heard a word from her love - her sister's mouth ever since Agdar invited them in. Whatever conversation that her family and the Arendelle family were having at the moment, Anna couldn't think straight enough to listen.

Tears were threatening to well up in her eyes, but she was in too much shock to cry.

Agdar was her father - and Elsa was her big sister… Elsa. The woman that loved her, and made love with her. The woman… that bound her in bed for her own pleasure. Oh god.

Her stomach churned. Fuck, did she want to throw up.

"Anna, you haven't touched your food." Martha placed a hand on hers. She twitched, prompting her mother to furrow her brows. "Hey, you alright?"

All were silent, and all eyes were on her. Even Elsa's - but while everyone else seemed concerned, she seemed… ashamed. Anna wasn't sure, and didn't know what to expect from her later when they were alone.

The redhead smiled meekly. "Y-Yeah…" She held her gaze at Elsa. "I'm fine."

"I heard you were going to come with your girlfriend, Anna," Agdar started. Anna felt her heart crack. She tensed up.

Finally, Elsa broke eye contact with her and stared down at her own plate. Those widened, shaken eyes… oh, Anna understood her. They both looked the same. Sisters, huh. Of course.

"Yeah, about that…" Anna continued to stare at Elsa. Say it. Say it but you don't mean it. "I couldn't get her to come."

"Why?" Agdar frowned. "This is a family dinner but she was more than welcome. I would have loved to have met her."

Martha smiled, turning to him. "I've spoken to her over the phone, she's absolutely wonderful. Right?"

Anna didn't let go of her gaze. All she wanted was for Elsa to say something. "Yeah… she is wonderful. She's very lovely."

Elsa shut her eyes, brows crossed in shame.

Anna knew nothing she would say would make both of them feel better… to forget that what they had ever happened. Sisters… shouldn't have to be this fucked up. To Anna, perhaps, they were nothing like sisters.

Not anymore.

Elsa had to let go of that dream to find the sister she was desperate to find.

She took a deep breath. "We, uh… I didn't tell you this, but… we broke up."

Martha blinked. "What? But you were… you talked a lot about her." Even Agdar seemed concern.

Andrew started, "Anna, is this why you're not eating? Were you worried we would judge you-"

She shook her head immediately at Andrew. "No, I… we just fell apart. We're friends, now. Just friends."

"I remember the day we talked about her in front of your campus… perhaps, my advice was wrong?" Agdar frowned.

"N-No… no, you were… totally correct. I was…" Elsa had stopped paying attention. It was for the best that she didn't listen. "I was foolish. But that's in the past now, we shouldn't worry about it."

Her real father didn't seem too convinced. "Well, alright… but you must eat something, Anna. Is the food not fitting for you?"

Stop. Stop talking, Agdar. "No, it's… it's fine. I'm not hungry."

"What about you, Elsa? You haven't touched your food either." How was Martha concerned for her too? Elsa finally picked her head up… eyes completely blank.

"I'm not hungry, ma'am." Elsa got up from her seat. "I… Father, may I excuse myself?"

"Elsa, what's wrong? Your sister is here."

Anna swore she heard a growl coming from her lips. The woman eyed her for a second before looking away.

"I… I don't feel so well. I'll be back." And neither do I.

"Well, alright. Just this once."

"Thank you, father." Without another word, Elsa made her way upstairs and didn't look back. This… guilt and shame they felt wastoo overwhelming.

"I'm… so sorry about Elsa. She isn't always like this." Agdar sighed. "I never told her she had a sister until she was fifteen. Never told her… well," he eyed Martha shamefully, "about what happened. She's been furious with me ever since. That's why she had been trying so hard to find you, Anna. To show me how useless I am as her father. To get back at me."

Every single word was a stab to Anna's heart. Every single word… made her wonder if meeting Elsa in the first place was ever worth it. She held her mother's hand tightly. This is… insane.

"I…" This was it. This was the time to open up… to tell Agdar how much she despised him. How much she couldn't stand the words that came out of his mouth. She put her fork down, bitterly biting her lips. She couldn't be sure if she was only doing that to not let any stupid words fly out of her mouth. In other words, perhaps, she didn't want to ruin… whatever was left of this relationship.

Ah… ruining relationships, huh? That sounds familiar.

What she needed was reassurance. That Agdar wouldn't abandon her again. After all, Agdar seemed like a decent guy at the moment. Despite the coldness he emitted when talking with Elsa, and vice versa. Ah, so it was those two. She huffed. "I used to… despise you too. Maybe I still do."

Shameful huh?

Agdar only nodded. "I know. I've made… terrible mistakes. And I ran. I was a coward and a complete bastard. But being young and reckless should not have been an excuse to abandon you, Anna. Both of you."

She clenched her fists together. What am I thinking? A part of Anna didn't have the heart to hate him anymore. The person that Elsa and Martha had described… it just wasn't there. The exhaustion in his eyes was so prominent. The soft smile he had almost made it seem like he was dying - on the verge of giving up on trying.

And as much as Anna was that kind of person too, she wasn't him. She crossed her brows in frustration from her own thoughts and heart. "I… I don't know if I can forgive you."

He chuckled. "No, I don't need your forgiveness. I know what I have done doesn't deserve forgiveness. All I want is to know you more, Anna." He paused. "I… have lost my own daughter's respect, but if I can still gain that from you - even if it is a little bit, I won't need anything else."

"And I need someone that I can trust."

Agdar only smiled, his eyes gazing down at his folded hands. "You're right. I may not be trustworthy at the moment… but I heard from Martha about how difficult it was to pay off your college debt. I can help you. Elsa can help you be happy again."

She turned to her mother and Andrew. They didn't look all too happy, but perhaps, this wasn't supposed to be about their happiness. When had Anna ever been truly satisfied - to be truly worried about her own happiness? She never understood herself or what she wanted.

But she knew, she cared for someone. She cared for a father… for her. "I… I gotta go to the bathroom."

Martha let her hand go, sighing like she was relieved. Was she holding her breath?

"Oh, of course, the bathroom's just upstairs to the left."

Anna got up. "Thanks." As she strolled upstairs, she looked down to the dining table.

They were all talking so happily. How was this even happening? And what caught her eyes even more was the fact that Martha was smiling. Anna never understood how she could so easily forgive someone and be happy about it. For God's sake, it was almost like her mother had forgotten everything!

The door to the bathroom was closed and the light was peeking in from the bottom crack. Elsa was in there. Anna's chest tightened. She didn't dare go in… didn't dare to knock - to face the heartbreak she'd see in Elsa's eyes. And she knew, emptiness and regret would only show in her own eyes.

She gazed at the ground, letting her own hands do the work. The door slowly opened. Everything just… fell. Her eyes widened at the sight of Elsa on the floor beside the toilet, her back towards Anna. Elsa looked like a mess-not the sophisticated 'queen' she knew… but someone who had been broken down for a while now. Perhaps, Elsa was merely just hiding the fact that she was nothing more than a girl calling for help. The woman… had been throwing up.

"Elsa…"

Elsa flinched. She'd never… been caught by surprise.

When she turned, those blue eyes - they weren't those bright shiny ones that Anna always loved getting lost in. It didn't catch her in enchantment, no. Elsa was looking at her in tears, in fear… in disgust. It almost looked like she'd been hit with bricks over bricks. And Anna was just a mere object. But she was used to being looked at like an object.

Elsa had opened her mouth to say something, but Anna didn't hear.

With her body frozen in place, Anna realized how shocked she was to see Elsa like this. All she had in mind was the way Elsa looked. God, it was so pitiful. The words that spilled out of Elsa's lips felt like statics in Anna's ears.

"W-What…? What did you say?" Anna chuckled bitterly. Why she was laughing, was beyond anyone. She took a step up-

"Don't."

Anna stopped, barely able to see how Elsa was gazing at the ground so emptily. This… was making both of them crazy, if not, even more than usual. "Elsa-"

"Who are you…?" she whispered. Ah, interesting question… who am I? Am I just an escort? A girl? Your sister? Or… a lover who doesn't even exist?

There was no answer to that question because Anna was all of that. Or none of it. She rounded her fingers into a tight fist. This was too cruel. Too heartbreaking. Never had she seen Elsa-seen themselves in such a state. "I…"

"No, I don't want to hear it. Please… just go." Her voice was so small and weak. Elsa didn't turn to look at her. It… should never have been like this.

Oh, but Anna understood… she understood wanting distance. To hide the emotions, but only just barely. But no, Anna couldn't leave. Even if she wasn't a lover, she was still a sister. Regrettably.

"Elsa… can you get up-"

"We're sisters." The blonde turned to her in disgust. Slowly, she got up to her feet. And slowly… Anna was completely backed against the wall with Elsa so close. So afraid. Behind the blonde strands of hair that blocked her eyes, Elsa looked exhausted and hurt. She growled, "What… what the hell have I done…? What are we doing…?"

"Elsa…" She tried to reach for her cheek, only to have her wrist grasped in Elsa's fingers and slammed against the wall.

"Don't touch me… and don't you let me touch you, either…" Elsa let go, eyebrows scrunched in disappointment. "What have I done to my baby sister…?"

She wasn't wrong. Yes… what have they done to each other? Anna gazed at her bitterly, but none of those tears had fallen. Was it because she didn't regret having to fuck Elsa? Or perhaps, she was back to becoming this empty shell of a woman again?

"Did you know…?"

Anna blinked. "W-What?"

Elsa turned away, still eyes on the ground. "Did you know that we were…"

"No, I didn't."

She ran her fingers through her thick, messy fringes. Her expression was cold, but that didn't stop the tears that dripped down Elsa's cheeks. Didn't stop the sighs escaping her throat. And her body was shaking… Elsa growled between her teeth, "I… I fucked you, Anna. I did all these things to you… you submitted to me-"

"Please…" Anna stayed strong. "P-Please… stop saying these things."

"I saw you dance… I saw you struggle… I saw you cry, and I did nothing. NOTHING!" Elsa gazed at her wide-eyed, but nothing hurt more than to see it get filled with horror. "I fucking loved you… Anna."

Fuck, fuck, fuck… FUCK! Anna pressed her lips against her fingers to hold down the cries that only wanted to explode now. She didn't need to hear this… She didn't need to hear the regret embedded in every single word.

What they had… was real. What they had, made Anna happy. She truly believed that. But what the hell was this? What did all that happiness get her?

Is this what I deserve?

"Just…" Elsa breathed. "He told me… nothing about this. He told me it was a surprise, I didn't believe him. How could I ever believe in someone who had lied to me all these years?"

"Elsa…"

"I'm so sick of his little games." Plop. Her head was propped on Anna's shoulder. The tears that rolled down Elsa's cheeks… oh, Anna wished she couldn't have felt the wetness on her skin. Nor did she wish to feel her own eyes covered with tears either. Her eyes were widened in hurt and her fingers came up to clench her own thumping chest… and another trying to bite down her own whimpers and the need to retort. She couldn't - not in this house.

Elsa sniffled, running her fingers through her hair… only to untangle them from her braid. They fell beautifully and so smoothly down her back… but Anna couldn't see that beauty.

We're both too ugly.

"What have I done to you…?" Elsa kept repeating. "What did I do to ever deserve this…? "

Why… why am I surrounded by all kinds of fuck-ups…?"

"I waited eight years… I waited so long, too long..." Elsa pulled away, her eyes… oh, her poor eyes looking at Anna with such ugliness and anger. And she let her hand glide on Anna's cheek, fingers caressing every prominent freckles, catching every little tear that fell. Has she always looked at me like this? "I waited eight years for you. For my sister… for someone who can listen to me… to understand me. WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE WRONG?!" She punched the wall before pulling away, her back facing Anna again.

Anna didn't flinch. She just… stared. In awe? In fear? Perhaps… she was numb again. And she watched as Elsa wept bitter, tired tears. She watched as Elsa put her fingers in her hair and pulled in frustration… she watched as the woman seemed to go insane.

But she began to realize. Everything that she knew about Elsa was an illusion. A cover-up. The woman that was in front of her… her sister had always been holding in her own emotions. She realized how nothing was ever about her, but for the one she loved. She realized Elsa had given everything and anything to Anna to fill that void in her heart. Her… longing for her better half. It made her, at least, content. Made her feel better about herself.

How Elsa said she was strong on her own, how she smiled, how she… longed to take care of Anna, it was all just a goddamn lie.

And now, she only realized Elsa's happiness never existed. Elsa had buried it, and that happiness continued to drown from her avoidance until it never existed.

It was dark in her heart, and the only light that shined - no matter how small, was from Anna. That was gone now. Elsa… was completely broken.

"Elsa…"

"Just. Go." Elsa let out a shaky sigh. "I don't want to see you now. Please… go."

And she did, but not without another look and another word. She took a deep breath, her voice barely holding strong. "Don't… don't you ever think you are feeling any different than I am, but I will never, ever make you feel like you've been wronged. I will always be there as… as someone you care for. I will be there for you whether you like it or not."

Anna slammed the door shut and ran down the stairs, her hand barely able to cover up her own crying face. I need to go. NOW.

"Anna? Hey, Anna what's going on?" Martha got up from her seat. Anna didn't want to look at her, nor did she want to be seen. But she turned, a bitter smile just… covering face weakly. "Hi, Mom… um… heh, can we, uh… can we go, please? I-I don't feel too good."

She didn't need to see the concerned look on Agdar's face either.

"Anna, what happened? Why are you crying?"

The redhead quickly wiped away any remaining tears. "I-I'm not! I just… I told you, I don't feel good."

This time Agdar got up, huffing a breath. "Is it Elsa? I heard a bit of yelling-"

"No, it's not her! This has… nothing to do with her. Mom, please."

In silence, Martha turned to Agdar who nodded. "Well, alright… we can go, honey."

"Thank you… um…" Anna gazed up at where the bathroom was. The door was still closed. "Thank you."