A/N: It's finally posted my final chapter! Thanks everyone for staying with me through this five year long journey. Goddessthunder, Voetsek007, you are my world! Gaben and Whereintheworld thank you so much for betaing, and betaing, and then doing it again (and for dealing with all my insecurities). Ermintrude421 I haven't forgotten about you, it's just been a very hard chapter to write, and rewrite, and rewrite again. Jsmudge where are you? Haven't heard from you.
And lastly thanks to everyone for staying with me through this journey; favoriting, reading, reviewing, and providing encouragement AchillesMonkey, Ashleyder1, badkarma00, basaltone, bballgirl31, Bits1212, bladefax, Brandywine00, Carolyn Sheppard, domial, The Frisky Firelily, jane0904, Jester King, Kristafied, ksirrah, loveydear, Marine-CO, MTCS, Pickwick12, RionaEire, SoujaLightFaerie, and theghettocyborg. You all have made this possible, thank you! Oh, and as always there are end-notes. Thanks.
Oh, yeah; and because I've spent so long in writing this. I'd go back and reread Chapter 24. But, that is me. And also don't forget the other little dabbles in the Caroline 'verse: In Sickness & Health, Dancing & Dreaming, Nightmares & Daytime Troubles, and When She Was Good.
Firefly Firefly Firefly
Chapter 25: Royal Chariots
They all stood outside the medical bay huddled around the glass. Watching. Waiting. Zoë looked over the small group standing at the infirmary: Kaylee stood with her nose pressed up against the glass huddled into Inara's side, needing the comfort of another human. Not that much different from herself and Wash. She looked down at her hand where it clutched Wash's, drawing on the strength of their bond, trying to will that strength into the little girl lying all too still in the infirmary. Jayne was standing a little apart from Kaylee and Inara with one hand on the window; in his other was Zoey. He kept turning it over and over in his massive hand unconscious of its texture yet calmed by the rhythm and the weight. Zoë turned to look at their Captain; he was standing apart from them all, an empty look on his face as he watched the doc and Shepard Book try and save Caroline.
Mal's lips were moving, and Zoë recognized the words; Buddha only knows she'd said it enough times. "When you can't run, you crawl. And when you can't crawl, when you can't do that... you find someone to carry you." Zoë understood that all the Captain wanted to do was carry his daughter. Carry her to where she would be safe. Healthy.
"O Father of mercies and God of all comfort, our only help in time of need: We humbly beseech thee to behold…" River drifted into the passageway talking in her eerie creepifying voice. She was most definitely in her own world; not on the ship with the rest of them. Inara turned to River and started to hush her; she recognized that Mal didn't really hold with the God stuff.
River looked uncomprehendingly at the companion and kept on drifting back and forth in the passageway. Like a branch caught in the waves on the shore. "They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old: Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning. We will remember them."
"Shut it, Moonbrain." Jayne snarled never turning from his post at the window. Was this how ma felt when Maddy got sick? How did she keep going?
"River." Kaylee peeled herself away from the window and reached for the slight girl. "It'll be okay." Desparation crept into her voice "Doc'll do
Shaking off the mechanic's gentle touch River left the passageway. It was so crowded. "The air is full of farewells to the dying, and mournings for the dead."
Inara saw a shudder go through Mal and he shared a grim look with Zoë. She turned her eyes heavenward and softly started praying. The same prayer she, Danagail, and Marina had said over their mother.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."
Kaylee heard Inara and joined in; two voices whose hopes were being pinned onto whispers.
Except for Rivers murmurs, the silence outside the infirmary's thick glass was heavy and oppressing. No sound came from the images happening in front of them. They could all see the fluid movements of their two crewmates inside as they attended to the quiet form of the child on the medi bed. Shepard Book watched as Simon cut Caroline's shirt off of her. He held the sponges as the doc cut into the little girls chest; and all the while he prayed.
"Hail Mary, full of grace. Our Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death."
Simon worked tirelessly. Shepard Book stayed by his side and passed instruments. Instruments that he'd gotten way too much practice with in his time on Serenity. He made sure that the surgical field stayed sterile. He made sure that the flow of drugs dripping into Caroline's arm was steady. And he prayed. He prayed the same prayer that he could see Kaylee and Inara mouthing outside the window; a prayer he'd said countless times.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." Shepard Book chanted the prayers silently; he didn't want to disturb Simon's concentration.
"LASER SCALPEL." Simon commanded not looking up. Book slapped it into the outstretched hand; just like he'd seen it done on Brother Raylen's guilty pleasure: General Hospital. A show on the cortex that had started back on Earth-That-Was. Kind of a weird show; but, the attraction was easy to see. Sex, lies, marriages, crime, bed-hopping, and all kinds of intrigue. "SPONGE."
"Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven."
"CLAMP." The clamp slapped efficiently into the trauma surgeon's gloved hand.
"Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever."
Blood there is just too much blood. Simon thought as he looked up at the bag that was slowly dripping plasma into Caroline. At the rate it was coming out of the transcending vein he wouldn't be able to replace it quickly enough. He'd repaired two veins and an artery already. It was amazing at how much damage a single bullet could do. "A miracle."
"What?" Shepard Book asked "What do you need?"
Simon hadn't meant to say it out loud. He repeated himself, pleading to someone, anyone. "A miracle. We need a miracle." He efficiently clamped off another blood vessel; he couldn't clamp too many more without causing permanent damage. "Tiansha de emo. Goddamn monsters. How could they do this to a child? Sponge."
Book kept the count of the sponges that had been put into Caroline's chest; and those that had been taken out of her chest. He'd seen the problems that a bad count could cause. That was one of the reasons why Simon liked working with the Shepard; was his meticulous attention to detail. The Shepard looked up at the window for a second and saw the faces there. In one second he was able to see the intense concentration on everyone's face, the hope, the worry, the fears, and caring resident on everyone's face.
Shepard wasn't aware how long he stared, he was just aware of the sudden silence, and the threat of a stinging tear. Concentrate, listen, pray, demand, he told himself over and over again; but, instead he sensed. He felt his whole body tingle as he watched those from the silence of the glass, watched and sensed their souls dim with pain.
Everyone standing in the hallway saw Simon shake his head; and slump his shoulders in defeat. They watched Book's eyes go from the surgeon to the still child and then make the sign of the cross over Caroline's face.
Kaylee saw what happened and just crumpled, clinging to Inara for strength; death was not something she'd seen too much of in her fairly sheltered life. Even on Serenity she still had a fairly sheltered life; Mal and the rest crew made sure of it.
Zoë turned into her husband; her rock and clung to him while staring at her Captain. Just as the first mate was clinging to her husband for strength Wash was drawing on Zoë for that same strength. He closed his eyes for a second to hide his tears; they needed his strength at this moment. Wash opened his eyes and saw Jayne standing against the wall holding Caroline's stuffed horse Zoey to his face, dry eyed.
The big gruff merc, who everyone thought was always too crude, too big, or too dumb except for this perfect little girl who thought he was perfect felt… He felt that the lights had gone out. And that life would never be full again. He gave one look at the Captain and walked out of the hallway. For once in his life he didn't ask the question that everyone was thinking. He couldn't get the words out, he just needed space; time to be alone.
Mal saw Jayne leave the crowded passage; he turned and looked into the small medbay as Simon was covering his daughter with a sheet. He just stared, stared through the window and the reflections in the glass.
Inara looked at Serenity's Captain over Kaylee's shoulder. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the whole crew. Shock, everyone was in shock. Inara saw the sheet being lowered and she saw the light go out. In one second Mal turned from devoted loving father, the Captain of Firefly class ship Serenity to a life-worn hard man. And she let the tears fall.
"They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old: Age shall not weary them," River's voice floated as she drifted into the passage way on silent feet and let her forehead rest against the glass.
"Not now honey." Kaylee whispered brokenly trying to be strong amidst the overwhelming feelings.
River just turned her head a little and continued. "Nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning. We will remember them."
She was repeating herself from earlier. It was creepifying. Wash thought to himself. But it was true. "Age shall not weary her." He closed his eyes and breathed in the smells from his wife's body. There was a trace of her shampoo from this morning; grass; and sweat.
"Nor the years condemn." Inara whispered that as she held Kaylee and stared at the sheet in the medbay.
River was drifting back and forth like a piece of driftwood on a shoreline. She stopped moving and listened as Inara whispered to herself. "At the going down of the sun and in the morning."
Following the tide she drifted to the glass, now a glossy partition between the living and the dead. Holding onto grief this big left room for little else; there was no room for dance, only pain. River felt the grief, the worry, the pain in every fiber of her being. "There is no pain for my friend. No more pain to be had. Forever young; and forever loved."
She slowly glided back to the Captain who was standing, staring at the window and holding onto the passageway's bulkhead. Serenity would give him strength. Touching his arm she dropped her head gently sideways accepting the night before she turned and left.
Following her lead the others slowly filtered out silently except for the sound of tears and breathing. When he was finally alone Mal walked to the medbay window and laid his palm flat against the cool glass. He was alone with his daughter. He was the only one left, Caroline's ba.
Somehow they all made it through the night. Inara woke early and repeated the same rituals she did every morning. The sameness was almost soothing. She tried to not do them mechanically and concentrate on each motion no matter how small. At the end of her morning adulations' she put on a simple and serviceable sari and with purpose walked out of her shuttle.
The companion knocked on Kaylee's hatch, and on Wash and Zoë's hatch. Together the three women walked down the passageway to the medbay where they were met by River. Zoë looked at her companions and gently opened the door. River walked over to the table and Inara placed a joss stick into the simple holder she'd brought with her from her shuttle and lit it.
Kaylee was still in shock; but, as the women started softly chanting the age old Buddhist funeral verses she joined her voice with them:
"Even the gorgeous royal chariots wear out; and indeed this body too wears out. But the teaching of goodness does not age; and so Goodness makes that known to the good ones."
Four voices became one chanting the same words that Inara had said over her mother; and her mother had said over her mother; and so on for generations going all the way back to Earth-That-Was.
"Even the gorgeous royal chariots wear out; and indeed this body too wears out. But the teaching of goodness does not age; and so Goodness makes that known to the good ones."
Zoë, Kaylee, and River led by Inara gently washed Caroline and dressed her in her blue jumper with flowers. The one that her ba', father, had gotten her during their shopping trip on Hillard. The four women carefully wrapped the little girl in Golensa's brown coat. They didn't put shoes on her feet because Caroline didn't like wearing them; instead they laid them beside her. Kaylee slipped the shiny rock that she'd given Caroline a few days after she'd arrived into her hand. Inara put a small origami crane into one of Caroline's boots. Not a senbazuru yet; but, it would be some day. One thousand cranes, eternal life.
Zoë watched Kaylee and Inara give the little bits of their soul to Caroline to help carry her to the afterlife. And in turn she slipped a book under Caroline; a picture book that Wash had picked out. Their duties were done and in silence they slipped out of the medbay. Before she followed the other women River kissed Caroline on the forehead and whispered: "Never is she born, nor does she die at any time, she has never been brought into being, nor shall come hereafter; unborn, eternal, permanent and ancient. When the body is slain, she is not slain."
After the women left Jayne crept into the medbay and sat on the wall berth just staring. Emotions he'd never felt before were roiling up inside of him. He wanted to hurt someone; it might take some of his pain away. Instead he just looked. She looked so peaceful lying there; it was easy to imagine that Caroline was sleeping. Although, Jayne chuckled to himself, even when she was sleeping she wasn't really still. There'd been that time she'd fallen asleep next to him in the common area, when 'Nara had been reading to her, and the lil' one had managed to kick him right in the man-parts.
Mal walked in as Jayne was chuckling and… Well, tears were leaking out of his eyes; but, he was still chuckling over something. He plopped down next to Jayne and offered him a mug with a little bit of whiskey in it shrugging. "It seemed right."
"Ya 'member that time that Mini-Ma… the nian qing de, little one, fell asleep in the common area when 'Nara was readin' to her from some fancy book."
Mal smiled, "Yeah, when she kicked you in her sleep. That was funny." The two shared a look, and then looked back at still form on the table. "Remember that time when she was climbing in the cargo hold…"
"Yeah, and she got caught her overalls caught on something and you had to climb up and free her."
"Shia. Yeah." They shared a smile, drank their whiskey and remembered the good times.
Hearing the door open they both looked up as Shepard Book came in with what looked like a paper crown. It had some writing on it and a picture. "I'm sorry, I can come back later."
"Whass that?" Jayne gestured with his mug, wishing that he had a whole bottle of whiskey instead of just two-fingers. Maybe then he could forget for a little while.
"It's a phylactery." The Shepard looked at Mal; I remember you once said that Golensa was Orthodox. "This is a part of the traditional rites."
Mal started to protest; but, then thought about it for a second. Golensa would have wanted this. He just nodded.
Shepard Book placed the crown on Caroline's carefully brushed hair and placed a set of prayer beads in her left hand. It wasn't the prayer rope that was traditionally used; but, it would work. River had made the crown. She'd appeared in the common area as the Shepard was praying that morning and handed him the simple strip of paper that had the Trisagion printed on it in delicate calligraphy. "Holy God, Holy and Strong, Holy and Immortal, have mercy on us." She'd also done a simple line drawing of the diesis on the strip. Book had been shocked when she'd wordlessly handed it him; she'd simply shrugged and glided out.
"Huh." Jayne shrugged and walked out wanting to be alone. Mal followed close on his footsteps figuring he should clean up some. He thought about Golensa for a few seconds as he walked. And the fact was Golensa would have wanted this for her daughter, his daughter, their daughter. But, that didn't mean he was gonna sit there and listen to it. No amount of flowery words, paper hats, poems, or kisses would bring her back. Nor would they make her any more worthy for an afterlife, any more than Jayne getting' kicked in his man parts, or him getting his heart ripped out. Life ever after. Life would go on; they'd keep on flying; this was his life now. A life without his bao bei, precious child. It's jist a ai ya gui of a cheat, hell of a cheat!
Watching the two men leave, Book took out his psalm book. They might not be able to perform all of the traditional Orthodox rites; like continuously reading from the psalter until Caroline was transported away. However, he could give her this and the started to read aloud in a low voice:
The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I shall want.
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
In verdant pastures he gives me repose;
beside restful waters he leads me;
he refreshes my soul.
Halfway through his reading Wash walked in and joined Book. Two low voices speaking together.
"And I shall dwell in the house of the LORD for years to come." As they finished, the pilot took the psalm book explaining that he had Orthodox friends in flight school had gone to a funeral with one of them. Wash kept reading, skipping to Psalm 25. "To you, O Lord, I lift my soul, to you I lift my soul. Remember that your compassion, O LORD."
Wash read aloud from the psalm book, and remembered the good times, and some of the not so good times with this child. "And your love are from of old. In your kindness remember me, because of your goodness, O LORD."
The pilot remembered when she'd come out of her box; and the reproachful look that River had given him when she'd told him that it wasn't beagles. He remembered when she and River had built a spider web and gotten him tangled up with Zoë. Wash smiled remembering the fun that they'd had getting unglued.
As he was speaking Simon came into the small med bay looking for something and heard Wash reading in low tones. He paused until he finished. "That's beautiful."
"Psalm 25. An old Orthodox tradition to read over the… The… until she's taken to the church or …" He couldn't quite get the words out; but, the surgeon understood and silently took the small book opening it to a random place and started to read.
He might not have been able to do a lot of things for this child; but, he could give her this. Simon started to read and didn't notice when Wash took his leave. "Like a deer that longs for running streams, my soul longs for you, my God; my soul longs for you, my God."
Had he been watching himself from outside the medbay window, Simon would have questioned his actions. A man of science speaking of God and of spiritual musings over a lifeless body. But, like the Shepard, the pilot, the mechanic, the Companion, and the Warrior he took solace and comfort in it. Simon read "My tears have been my food, day and night, while people say to me all day long. Where is your God?"
He kept reading and felt the guilt of not being able to save the Captain's daughter. Simon wondered at what he would do if it had been River. What if she'd died when she was trying to escape from the Academy? Would he be able to be as steely as Mal? Making the decisions that he'd made in short order. The decision to have that small body cremated so that she could be returned to the soil of his birth. Returned to Shadow to be next to Mal's mother. In his work Simon had seen many dead bodies, looked on their anatomy with a scientist's eye. He could be clinical and detached, as he needed to be. Some called it cold. "Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."
Book and Inara took care of all the arrangements. Kaylee was too much of a mess; she hadn't really stopped crying since the day before. River just kind of drifted in and out. Simon was pretty clueless about this kind of thing. Wash and Zoë helped some; but, Zoë had only ever done military funerals. And Wash he'd been to a few funerals; but, that was it. And that left Mal and Jayne; and they were in no shape to do it. And it wasn't fair to ask them. So that left the Shepard and the Companion to make sure that Serenity's little girl wasn't just shuffled off like a piece of gao-se, crap.
So when Storekeeper Cashley had come to collect the body Inara had been the one to deal with him. He'd explained that as a church elder it was his job to ensure that everything was taken care of properly. Inara made sure that the little bits were included. Bit of soul. And wheat bread and honey, per the Orthodox tradition. Then she and Shepard Book watched as the little girl; the heart and soul of the crew left wrapped in her mother's brown coat. Watching her taken out of sight on the back of a mule Inara teared up, something she hadn't done since her mother died. She turned and went back through the cargo bay into the common area and saw Mal sitting at the table dried eyed. He looked up at her as she went to get a cup of tea, his face was empty. It was like she was watching an empty vessel at the table.
"Mal, how are you doing?"
"I'm fine." He stated curtly. "Gotta go set up the meet with Wo Fat."
Jien tah-duh guay. Like hell, he was fine and Inara was going to marry Storekeeper Cashley and settle down on this gorram planet and raise fat happy babies.
"Mal…"
He just stared at her.
"Mal, Mal it's okay to cry." Inara pleaded with the Captain. "We all lost something special."
His jaw tightened, as he shoved the chair back gracelessly. "I'm fine. We gotta eat don't we? Meets gotta happen soon. I need to get the diyu, hell, off this gorram planet."
Watching him leave, Inara started crying again. Weeping for Caroline and crying silently for the man that had been lost with his child. The spark of life was gone, and in its place was a hard man.
Mal walked back to his cabin, splashed water on his face and looked around his small living area. He saw the little area that they'd made for her by moving walls; looked at the mural that Inara had painted; the pillows and frippery made from Kaylee's dress; Golensa's little Buddha; Lucy, Wash's dinosaur that the nian qing de kept takin'; and lots of other little things. There was pictures Caroline had drawn hanging all over the walls, crayons on his desk.
Memories; he sat down heavily in his chair the memories overwhelming him. The nights he'd spent rocking the little girl back to sleep after a nightmare. The night she'd gotten sick and thrown up on him. The memories swept over him knocking him down, tears rose in his eyes. He slammed his fist on the desk, rattling the crayons, and his account books. What else could the gorram Alliance take from him? The gorram Alliance and their task forces. They'd taken his home, his mother, his daughter. What was left?
He looked up at the ceiling, and then over at the sky that had been so carefully painted.
Take my love, take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care, I'm still free
You can't take the sky from me
Take me out to the black
Tell them I ain't comin' back
Burn the land and boil the sea
You can't take the sky from me
There's no place I can be
Since I found Serenity
But you can't take the sky from me...
They had cargo; they had a pay-day coming. Serenity was still in the air. That was something. "Something." Mal just needed to keep repeating it to himself, maybe someday he'd believe it.
Ba' – Father
Bao bei - precious/treasure
Diyu – Hell
Gao-se - Crap
Jien tah-duh guay – Like hell
Nian qing de - Young one
Shia – Affirmative
E/N: This has been an incredibly hard chapter to write. I've always seen this as a story arc occurring between the television series and the movie. It ignores the comic books and explains (in part) why Mal seems to be harder and a little more cynical in the movie. It might also explain why (again, in part) why Inara left – a man hardened by circumstances with no space for love.
One of the things I love about the Firefly 'verse is the mixing of customs. Eastern and Western. So I think that mixing the Buddhist rites with Russian Orthodox traditions is what Firefly is about. I've tried to stay true to both sets of traditions, and I'm sure that I've got some stuff wrong because I'm neither Buddhist nor Russian Orthodox.
A senbazuru is a string of 1,000 paper origami cranes. The senbazuru is now a symbol of world peace. It is said to originate by a Japanese girl with leukemia after World War II. At temples, school groups or individuals often donate Senbazuru to add to the prayer for peace and health. The cranes are left exposed to the elements, slowly dissolving and becoming tattered as the wish is released. In this way they are related to the prayer flags of India and Tibet. In Western countries, the custom has been extended from giving a senbazuru to cancer patients, to using them at funerals or on the grave.
Lastly, thank you all for staying with me through this journey that has taken me five years to complete. I appreciate all the love that you all have shown! And like everything else this isn't an end to the Caroline 'verse; there are still many nooks and crannies to dip into – if anyone wants to pick up the reins feel free. I'd love to read some more Caroline stories.