A/N

Thank you so much for all your reviews. And no, I didn't just come out from under that stone. There was just a lot going on for me.. which is why I was unable to write this story further up until this point. There still is actually. I'm sorry. I want to tell you that the next one won't be such a long wait, but I'm not making any promises right now. Only the promise that I will never leave this story completely, and will finish it.

Previous chapter

She's still trying to keep herself on the edge. Oh that beautiful edge. Where you know what is about to come but you also know that that feeling will never last as long as you would like. Because it will never be enough, even though you have a feeling that this time with Alex, it might come close. She's the closest thing to perfection that you've ever experienced.

It only lasts a few seconds before you release yourself into her mouth but apparently it is exactly long enough for all of those thoughts to pass before you give yourself over to Alex completely with only one thought on your mind. Perfection. You never knew it existed.

New chapter

The next few weeks of your life fly by. You see Piper almost every day and that doesn't make you want to crawl back into your own skin, between those high walls that she tumbled down. Every last one of them. After that incredible night exactly three weeks ago, you felt the need to be honest with your girlfriend completely. So right now in between cuddling, watching some Netflix and eating takeout food, you tell her about your previous relationship, and why it is still so damn hard for you to trust someone new.

You don't like to admit it to anyone. That she did a number on you. That the Alex Vause, bad ass bar owner, has been left behind once in her life, and it made you bitter. Because the truth is, it did. You have had a couple of girlfriends before her. Frankly, you weren't ever alone since you knew you liked girls. But it was always you who did the breaking up, even though you always defended yourself by saying there wasn't even supposed to be any breaking up necessary because you weren't even together to begin with. The other party always seemed to think or hope otherwise. That wasn't your fault, you felt back then. By now you know better. You let those girls fall in love with you, and when you realized that they were.. the excitement was gone. And you were gone right after.

That all changed when you met Pax. Maybe you do have a thing for girls with names that start with a P. Or for girls with a weird name that starts with a P for that matter. You've never met someone like Pax before. From the second you met her you were mesmerized. Caught into her little web and unable to crawl out until she threw you out. And when she threw you out you felt like your whole body, existence was just an empty shell. There was nothing left inside you anymore because everything you had you gave to her.

But even today you can say that you existed as one for three years. You were seventeen years old and thought that with Pax you had found your match. You were still so young but you were sure that she was the one for you. She didn't make you feel like running as did all the others. The normal ultimate deadline of three months flew by and before you knew it you guys were together for over a year already. The Alex Vause in a steady relationship with a girl named Pax. Your mother laughed at you at first. And your friends weren't much different. What were you to expect when the player Alex Vause was broken by a girl named Pax. She changed your ways. And even though you're still mad at her for leaving you, at times. Because up until today you don't fully understand why, you're also still glad that you met her. Because in some way she's the reason that right now with Piper you can just be.

With Piper you realize again, you don't want to leave. You don't want to run. You're perfectly happy with where you are, right beside her. As equals. Almost as much as you were with her. Even though you don't try to compare them, because you already know that Piper is a better person than her. But she was your first love. You can't help it to compare everyone with her even if it is just a little. It's just the way the world works. You simply just don't forget the first person you gave yourself so completely to.

Frankly, before Piper, you had tried to make peace with the fact that you would never in your life meet someone else like Pax. Not because there weren't enough girls on the planet that looked like her, or that were just as beautiful or even more beautiful than her. But just because you didn't think you could feel something so pure for someone ever again. You acted like a player again, and nobody but Nicky and your mom knew about Pax's existence in your past. It wasn't something you talked about ever. You simply told everyone that you never were in a relationship before. That you didn't do them. That it just wasn't you. Until Piper. But still you find it very hard to let someone into those memories with her.

Piper. Even though every fiber in your being is trying to work against the feeling that this is someone you feel attracted to, more than you felt attracted to someone in years, you simply can't. But you want to. You feel yourself losing control right after you meet her. Just like with Pax. You don't want to get caught into someone's web completely all over again. You recognize the feeling immediately and you're trying to work against it this time. You won't make the same mistake again. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

You already know it will be a mistake. Because Piper is straight, or at least you think so. You don't know what to think, but she's definitely not a full on lesbian, and anything other than a full on lesbian will be too dangerous for you. There's a possibility of her leaving you for a guy in your head. It's an image you can't let go of that easily. She has a way out and you know that way out all too well. Why would you involve yourself with someone like that?

But it's not fair. None of it is fair. Because even though you're trying to rationalize everything that you are thinking, you also already know that there's nothing you can do to stop your feelings for her. She's inside of you, around you. You can't escape her. So you give in, and come to think of it now. It's the best decision you've made in years.

Piper doesn't give you reasons to think that she is going to leave. Piper gives you reasons to believe that she is staying, whether you like it or not. And you love that about her. You even try to rely on that.

Now that she knows the story about Pax, which you have told her without holding back, even though it must not have been easy for Piper to hear. You know that Piper finally understands why you were holding back in the beginning. Why you were careful with her, in every sense of the word. You were careful with her just as much to protect yourself as to protect her from you, in some weird way.

In a way, you wanted her to leave back then. You wanted her to throw the hat in the ring. It would be easier, another woman leaving you than the thought of building everything you had with Pax up again with Piper, and then be left again like with Pax. Without her saying a word, or leaving a trace.

Still, up until today, you haven't seen or spoken the woman. You know Pax grew up in England. You even went looking for her there and met with her family after she left you. They also didn't really know what was going on inside Pax's mind, but it was also clear to them that she didn't want to proceed her life with you. She did however made it clear to her family that it was no one's fault but her own that she and Alex weren't together anymore.

You were at least grateful that Pax had the decency to make it clear to her family that this was not your doing. Otherwise you wouldn't have had a straight answer from them, and you needed that because back then you still didn't know why the hell Pax left you.

You didn't receive that answer either for another year. To be honest you didn't expect an answer all together anymore.

That Alex Vause was broken over Pax was clear to everyone. You didn't sleep with another person that whole year, until the letter that Pax sent you. Alex would say that the letter broke her more, but if you would ask the same question to Nicky or her mom, it brought back an Alex they knew from before. And that was, in their opinion, still a little better than the Alex they got to know in the year after Pax left.

Pax is a few years older than you. But apparently that isn't a guarantee for a person to know what she wants in life. Or for a person to know who she is in life. Because even though it seemed to everyone, including Alex, that Pax was happy with her, she was in fact also happy with someone else. A man.

It's not something you get over easily. If not at all. It's something you certainly won't forget, ever. And it's holding you back with everything in your life until you met Piper. She shows you that it is possible to fall in love again. Even after you thought you never could again.

Looking into her blue eyes right now you finally completely realize what F. Scott Fitzgerald meant when he wrote: "There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice."

A/N

I know, it's a short one but it has been on my mind. And trust me, the last line. It's a good thing for Piper and Alex. Because you learn from your mistakes.