A/N: It's been three weeks, I know! Shame on me! I've been stressing over midterms, but now that its all over, I'm back!
Shout-outs!:
MelissaSomerhalder: Oh yea! Elena's in for a lot, I can promise you that! Thanks for the review!
ConsumedByDamon: Well, I guess in a way, your skepticism is correct; Damon's confession is not going to go the way everyone probably expects it to go. Thanks so much for the congrats and the review :)
EndlessDelenaObsessedDesire: Thanks so much for the congrats and the questions! Damon doesn't want a sooner date; Elena hasn't told him yet. Also, Damon will tell Elena about his role in her parents' death. Thanks for all the questions!
Xwealunah: Don't worry; the answer to your question has not been said yet. Damon himself will reveal the answer in this chapter. Thanks so much for your review! I loved it!
debs2000: Hi! I can honestly say that a bunch of your questions may be answered in this chapter :) Thanks for the review!
fashionista1988: Please don't hate! me for the long wait! I'll try for it not to happen again. Thanks for the review!
kaybaby1127: All answers are straight ahead :) Thanks for your review!
StarfishOnTheBeach: Damon is capable of love. It's hard for him to show it, but he does for Elena. It's true love :) Thanks for your review!
Duffster21: Your review is freaking hilarious! Thanks for the love and humor. And I think your nickname is great the way it is. It's creative and different, and that's what makes it awesome :)
DaniTVD: OMG I love Brazil! I really hope to go there one day. Thanks for your love. You English is great, trust me. :)
TheLadyBlackDove200: Yea, I apologize for all the mistakes I've done. Most of the time, I type fast, and I don't always go back to review my work as I should. But I am glad that you love this story! Thanks for the love!
Darkkissesful: The prologue will not be the end of the story. It will be near the end, yes, but once the prologue comes, there will be a continuation. Thanks for the review!
Thanks for much for all your love and reviews! I am so sorry for the wait, so let's get on with the show!
Chapter 23: The Love Behind Our Insanity
A strange sensation came over her body as she stood before him, taking in what he had just said. She could not move, and her chest felt heavy, as if it did not want to allow her to breathe. Despite the hot shower she just took, the coldness she now felt was skin deep. She did not know to whether scream, yell, cry…or attempt to kill him where he sat. So only after putting a somewhat safe distance between them by backing against the wall did she speak. "Damon…" her trembling words came out as a mere whisper as the hot tears ran down her cheeks. "Damon, did you…did you kill my parents?" She would have never thought, before this moment, that she'd ever have to say these words, especially to Damon, the man she allowed herself to love.
He shook his head, but did not speak.
"Damon!" She yelled through choked sobs. "Did you kill them?!"
"No," he sighed, still glaring at the floor. "I didn't kill them…"
Elena let out a sigh of relief. "Well, then why did you-"
"But I might as well have," he interrupted, finally looking up at her.
She froze again, gripping the towel around her body and the wall for support. "Damon…what are you saying?"
He looked back at the floor, and then closed his eyes, wincing, as if in pain. He began to rock back and forth. "I'm saying…I'm saying…god, what am I saying?" he muttered. Without warning, he stood up and flashed across the room to where Elena stood, surprising her. He now stood only inches before her, glaring at her. She noticed the tears in his eyes. "It was my fault," he whispered. "It was my fault, all my fault." He began pacing, running his fingers through his hair repeatedly. "I was there, in the woods. I was walking, lost in thought…and after walking for some time, I just lied down there on the road, looking at the stars…lost in thought…and out of the blue, I heard-I heard this crash."
Elena stared at him, trying to follow his words. Half of her was paying attention to his story, to what he was saying. However, half of her was paying attention to him; his body language, his facial expressions. She noticed how angry he seemed, how he was throwing his arms around, and…wait…was he hitting himself?
"I ran there! I was curious," he paused. "When I got there…" he said slowly. "When I got to Wickery Bridge, I saw that there was an accident. A car was in the water. It had three passengers, and it was sinking fast." He smiled spitefully. "I thought to myself, 'Here's my chance; here's my chance to do good." He blinked hard. "I wanted, just for once, I wanted to the good guy…not the one who brought death wherever he went. Not the guy I am now." He swallowed hard. "I dove in the water, and the first thing I could sense was blood. The car was already at the bottom of the lake. I swam as fast as I could, but when I got there, it was too late for one of the passengers. There was too blood. The woman in the passenger seat..."
"Mom," Elena choked out.
Damon nodded slowly. "She had no heartbeat. Even in the water, I couldn't hear a heartbeat from her. The impact from the crash killed her instantly."
"But Dad…what happened to Dad?" Elena asked in a shaky voice.
"He was conscious," Damon nodded. "I tried to pull open his door…but it was jammed. But he wouldn't help me. All he did was point…he pointed frantically to the back seat."
"Jeremy," Elena sighed. "He..he wanted you to save Jeremy."
"I ripped off the boy's seatbelt and dragged him to the surface. There was blood on his head, and he was semi-conscious. I made him feed on my blood…so that he could heal. I compelled him to forget me, and I went back to save your father…but it was too late." He looked up at her. "I was too late. I am so sorry, Elena," he breathed. "It's all my fault…"
Elena frowned. "But you didn't kill them, Damon," she muttered, shaking her head. "You tried to save them. Jeremy's alive because of you! You did nothing wrong. If anything, you should be-"
"Just stop," Damon growled lowly through clenched teeth. "Don't act like I'm a hero, because I'm not." He chuckled drily. "Heroes don't exactly hang out in asylums."
She frowned. "Damon…" she walked over to him, clenching her towel. "You never told me why you are in asylum." She bit her lip. "I was going to tell you tonight…but I guess now is a good time as any. Alaric got some…odd news. Your execution date…it's been moved up."
Damon scrunched his eyebrows. "What?"
"We don't know the prosecutor's reason," she shook her head. "In fact, we don't have much information at all. But it's been moved up." She sighed, frowning again. "But-"
"Can't you fight this?" Damon breathed out. His eyes looked quite strained and frantic as he spoke. "I mean, can't you say that you need more time with me?"
She looked at him, confused. "No, I couldn't. It's not possible. You're sentenced to die by lethal injection; there's no point in putting off the date. Even if I tried, I will be rejected. There's nothing to fix in you…well, there is, but the way they see it, there's no sense in fixing a dead man."
"You have to," he breathed, dropping to his knees and looking up at her, an expression of fear appearing across his face. "You have to try. They can't do that."
"But, Damon!" Elena exclaimed, surprised at his actions. "What's gotten into you?!"
"Please," Damon begged again.
"Damon!" Elena enunciated. "What's wrong? Can those injections even kill you?"
"That's not the point, Elena!" he growled, rolling his eyes. "I belong there! I can't go anywhere else!" He slammed his fist onto her floor. Elena could have sworn that she heard something crack, and she knew it wasn't his bones. "I need…I need to be locked up!"
"But there's nothing stopping you from leaving! You leave the asylum all the time!" Elena interjected.
"But I always come back!" He pointed out.
"But why?" Elena pleaded him. "Why do you come back? You can leave anytime! What's keeping you there?"
"I can't leave," he sighed in a defeated. "I need…I need the asylum. I can't leave." He reached up and hit himself on the side of his head, startling Elena. "I can't...I can't leave…please, Lena."
Elena's mind was running ten thousand miles a second. She realized that this was the second time he'd hit himself, but he didn't seem to acknowledge it. She was no longer, at the moment, looking at him with the perspective of a worried girlfriend; she now looked at him with the perspective of a psychologist. Her eyes roamed everywhere, taking in his present state. He looked…scared, defeated, worried… She recalled her earlier notes of him…he always felt the need to emphasize his actions, his dangerous behavior…he always felt the need to remind others…himself…himself? Her eyes grew wide as her thoughts came together. Prove himself…hurt himself…it all added up. His unpredictable behavior…his…self-loathing… it all added up. "Oh my God…" she breathed, her eyes growing wide. "You do it to punish yourself…don't you?"
Damon glared at her. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"Have you ever heard of self-flagellation?" Elena asked him hurriedly.
Damon sat back onto the floor, with his back against the end of her bed, rolling his eyes. "Do I look like someone who knows what that is, Elena?"
She ignored his sarcasm. "Its typical definition is the act of beating or whipping a willing or unwilling subject, even if the subject it oneself. It's widely known for its usage in religion; Saint Rose of Lima and Martin Luther were some of the many who practiced it for religious purposes. But it has been used as a form of self-punishment."
Damon shook his head. "I don't whip myself. I'll admit, I have done it to others during sex, and, by the way, you can be sure that I'll do it to you sometime soon, but I don't beat or whip myself. I'm not that much of a sadist, or a masochistic."
Elena shook her head. "It doesn't always have to be whipping or beating. You just hit yourself while telling me that it was your fault that my parents are dead. You don't acknowledge that you saved my brother; you only see that, through your eyes, you're guilty."
"And your point is…" he dragged out, sighing.
"You feel the need to convince others that you're a threat, and by doing so, you remind yourself," she continued.
"That's because I am a threat," Damon whispered.
"Your emotions constantly change," she said.
"I like to entertain people," he smiled. "It passes time; you have a lot of it, you know, when you're a vampire and everything."
Elena rolled her eyes. "Just hear me out! Mental flagellation, Damon. You don't punish yourself physically, because the scars don't last. Being a vampire makes you heal faster…physically at least. Now, you said that vampirism enhances your thoughts, desires, emotions, and Katherine said that you were insane even when you were human, but being a vampire enhanced it. You're…you're remorseful!" She paused. "You feel guilt…enhanced guilt…not just because of my parents' death…but every death you've caused." She paused again. "You ignore the guilt, and you put it off, but it always comes back. Damon, this is important; what did you do after my parents died?"
He frowned in thought. "I left your brother there…I heard police nearby; someone phoned in the accident. They took him to the hospital."
"Then what?" Elena pressed.
His eyes grew wide. "I started to kill…massively. I went nuts. I never told anyone of the accident, not Katherine or Stefan. Not even Bree or Lexi. It went on for years…until finally, I got sloppy." He looked at her, confused. "Almost four years ago, I left all my victims scattered…for everyone to see. I left patterns for police to find me…next thing I knew, I got caught. I was headline news. There were times where I want to just burst out and kill again, kill all the lawyers, all the police officers…everyone…"
"But you didn't," Elena whispered. "You wanted them there…you wanted them to hate you, because you felt you deserved to be hated."
Damon turned to her with a plaintive expression on his face. "Vampires have this switch, you see. It can turn off all emotions, every single one. Sadness, guilt, happiness…everything. You see," he smiled. "It's quite easy to turn it off." He abruptly frowned. "But the trick…the trick is keeping it off. No matter how far you are from your humanity, it always finds a way to try to find you."
"You felt guilt…for what you are, for all the deaths you caused." Elena paused again. "You're in the asylum because you want to be punished!" She shook her head. "You act like it doesn't matter every time you kill, but when you come to your senses…you feel regret…for what you've done…for what you are. You switch off your feelings…but they fight to resurface."
Damon turned away, avoiding her gaze. "I never wanted this, you know," he spoke softly. "I never wanted to be a vampire, but I became one for Katherine. When I lost Katherine to Stefan…when she admitted that she would always choose him over me, I lost my reason of existence. Killing myself wasn't my style," he sighed. "So this one the other alternative."
"So what were you planning to do when they put in the toxins? Disappear?" Elena asked.
"I'm not sure yet," he admitted. "If I go through with it, the toxins wouldn't exactly work. I'd go to sleep, but my body would reject it almost immediately. I'd wake up within the hour."
"So what would you do?" she asked.
"Go into hiding, of course. I'd compel the mortician to claim he'd done away with my body, and go away. In a few years, the publicity would die down, and I'll be a free man." He still wouldn't look at her.
Elena could feel tears well up in her eyes as she looked at him. He had this feeling of self-loathing that was practically radiating off of him at the moment, and it killed her to see him like this. "Damon," she whispered as she felt the first out of many tears run down her cheek. "Talk to me. Please talk to me," she pleaded. She grabbed his hand and held it tight. "Please."
He bowed his head, closing his eyes. "I miss it, you know. I miss being human. Being a vampire has its perks, but being a vampire…the desire to kill is strong, too strong to ignore. At first, I wouldn't care…but humanity's a bitch, I guess," he let out a dry chuckle.
Elena smiled at him. "Damon, maybe this is a sign! Our time can be put to use! You have a psychological problem, and I'm a psychologist! I can help you, Damon!" She put her hands on either side of his head and made him look at her. "You don't have to go through this alone anymore. You have me, and I'm not going anywhere."
"You don't deserve this," he shook his head. "I'll only corrupt you. You are the only person I truly loved, and I'm not going to risk messing it up, Elena."
"Damn it, Damon!" Elena breathed out. "I can't help you if you won't let me! We will figure something out, alright? I'll help you overcome this, and when your execution day comes up…we'll figure something out. But no matter what happens, I never want to leave your side." She tightened her grip on his head, making him lean forward towards her. "We're one and the same. We need each other, Remember?" After a few seconds of staring into her eyes, Damon's lips formed a small smile. It caused her so much happiness in that moment, just seeing him smile, that she could feel new tears running down her cheeks. Tears of utter happiness.
"I remember," he muttered.
Damon POV- First Person
All these years of self-loathing I've harbored all these years, all these years of hatred, murder…I swear on it all, being here with her, being this close to her… it was all worth it. Living so long, alone…it was all worth it, because it brought me to her, to this moment.
"I love you, Damon," she smiled genuinely. "Do you understand? I love you. Just you."
Looking at her, I no longer felt anger or pain. I felt love, as corny as it sounds. I never wanted this moment to end.
She loves me, despite all the pain and murder, despite all she knows that I am capable of…she loves me. Ironically, though she was the one who was practically naked, it was I who was bare; she knew me inside and out, past all facades.
That's not all though. In a way…I guess you could say I felt…hopeful. I wasn't sure if she could completely change me from my ways…but it gave me so much hope in knowing that she would try. I finally had someone as willing to fight for me as I would for them.
My god, Bree was right; she's my soul mate. She's mine, all mine. "I love you, too."
Elena POV
A few minutes later, they were wrapped in her bed sheets, clinging to each other as if their lives depended on each other. He was stroking her back, admiring how her green tank top complimented her skin, and she was lost in thought, her hand running itself through his silky hair. The moment seemed so carefree and simple, but it wasn't. Each knew that much awaited them, especially with knowing that his execution date was so near. They had limited time to plan everything…but they knew that as long as they had each other, they'd be able to handle everything…
The Next Day- 8pm
She'd been searching for about an hour now, and she'd narrowed it down to the downstairs filing room. It was the one filing room in the entire building without any windows, so it had a very old, musky smell. However, after much consideration and hours spent looking for it, she knew that Jules' case file just had to be here. Caroline had called out sick earlier, so she knew that it was up to her to find that case file. Besides, if Alaric found out that Caroline misplaced her file, he'd have her head. Knowing that she was running out of time, since she had her postponed date with Damon tonight, she promised herself that after this last cabinet, she would continue her search with Caroline early tomorrow morning. Considering that their date had to be postponed, she was looking quite forward to it. Damon had given her no clues whatsoever; he said he wanted the element of surprise on his side, as always.
She was on the last file cabinet on the left side of the room when she heard a noise from the doorway that startled her. She abruptly stood up from her crouching position and glared at the door, realizing that there was a tall dark figure there blocking the doorway. "Hello?"
No reply. However, it didn't startle her; she already had an idea on who it was. "Seriously, Damon," she smiled, crouching back down. "That's not funny. I told you to wait for me in my office." She had told him to give her fifteen minutes before they left for their date. Talk about being impatient.
"Why would Damon wait for you in your office? It's too late for any sessions." A voice spoke from the misidentified figure.
Elena froze in shock. "Jameson! I'm- I'm sorry," she breathed out, standing up to look at him. "I thought you were…someone else."
"Who?" He walked up to her with a peculiar look in his face, his glasses gleaming in the florescent light. "Damon?"
"Um, no," Elena avoided his gaze. "I was mistaken."
"So Damon's not in your office?" Jameson took a step closer to her. Elena noticed that he was wearing a dark blue button down shirt and brown pants, no doctor coat. "Isn't he supposed to be in his room at this hour?"
Elena frowned and turned her attention back to the file cabinet before her. "Uh, he is. What's up? What brings you down here?" She reminded herself that she had made a truce with him, so she couldn't act like Caroline and use insults as his distraction.
"I heard some noise down here," Jameson shrugged. "What are you doing here so late? I thought your shift ended."
"It did," Elena nodded, slamming shut the file cabinet. "I was just looking for some papers," she said smoothly.
"Papers on what?" He inquired.
None of your motherfucking business. "Just a case I used to work on," she breathed out in a low voice. "See you later, Jameson!" she called out as she attempted to walk past him to the door. However, her path was blocked as soon as Jameson planted his hand on the opposite wall. She glared at him, taking a step back. "What are you doing?"
"Where do you think you're going," Jameson smiled.
"To my office, Jameson! Now let me go," she pressed.
He chuckled. "Why? So that you can fuck that little psychotic boyfriend of yours?"
Elena's jaw would have dropped to the ground upon hearing his words if it weren't for her mandible still being connected to the rest of her skull. Her eyes, however, were another story; they grew wide in shock.
"And don't even try to deny it, Gilbert," he sneered, taking another step toward her. "I heard you two a few days ago in your office."
"What were you doing at my office?" Elena hissed.
"Oh, please! Don't make it seem like I was some horny teenager coming to jack off and listen to you two going at it! I was headed to Dr. Saltzman's office, and I heard muffled cries. I only had to listen for a few seconds for me to get an idea of what kind of treatment Damon receives," he sneered.
Elena could not believe what was going on right now. She felt beating the crap out of him for simply knowing what happened between her and Damon. However, one question remained in her head, practically attacking her stability; what was he going to do with this knowledge?
"Don't fret, Elena," Jameson cooed, taking another step towards her. Elena tried to take a step back in response, but her move was cut short when she realized that her back was already against the wall. Her heart beated even more erratically as he "I won't tell anyone, not even Alaric. That is…if you're willing to…compromise." He reached up and tried to tuck Elena's hair behind her ear, but she slapped it away.
"What the fuck are you getting at?" Elena hissed, attempting to push him away. He took a step back, but stayed close to her.
"Must I really spell it out? If you're willing to fuck a psychotic man, I'm sure you can manage to increase your standards and be willing to give me the experience," Jameson chortled. Elena was disgusted at his words. Was he seriously suggesting that she…she couldn't even say it. "Nobody has to know, of course," he shrugged. "Just like nobody has to know about you and Damon."
"If you honestly think that I'd be willing to have sex with you, you've got another thing coming," she growled at him. All of her tolerance for this man went out the window as she felt her anger growing inside, tempting her to jump on him and kill him where he stood.
"I don't think you have a choice Elena," Jameson sighed. "Seems to me that the odds are on my favor."
"Oh, I highly doubt that," a voice growled from the shadows. Elena couldn't help but smile as soon as she heard the voice. In fact, her smile turned into a full-fledged grin as soon as he stepped away from the shadows and walked between her and Jameson. "In fact," he added, "it seems to me that she has the upper hand here, wouldn't you think?"
The look on Jameson's face was priceless. Shock and fear wouldn't even begin to describe it. "What...how the hell did you get out of your room?"
"Interesting choice for last words," he chuckled as he took a predatory step towards the shaking man. "I'll be sure to include them in your obituary." Without warning, his fangs elongated as his eyes became pitch black. Elena could feel the air leave her lungs as she realized what was happening; he was going to kill him. "Damon, wait!" she cried. But it was too late.
Jameson's body was thrown across the room and slammed against the wall, causing some plaster to fall from the ceiling. His body landed with a heavy thud as Damon leaped toward it, plunging his teeth into his neck messily. Blood began to spray everywhere as Damon drank greedily, not bothering to stop. Jameson's body became limp as the light began to leave his eyes. He was running out of time.
"Damon!" Elena called out. "Don't kill him!" She hated the man, but the last thing she wished upon him was death. "Please!" She ran to him and pulled on his shoulder.
Though her strength was nothing compared to that of a vampire's, he reluctantly retracted his fangs and glared at her as he threw the body aside. "What is your problem?!"
"You're killing him!" she screeched as she dropped to her knees and pressed her hand on his neck wound in attempt to stop the bleeding.
"Um, I'm pretty sure that's the idea, Elena!" Damon sighed, annoyed. "He was trying to get his filthy hands on you!"
"Couldn't you just compel him? Killing him would only create problems, not solve them!" Elena shot back.
"Not the way I see it! The world would go on fine if you would just let me kill the stupid prick!" Damon threw his hands in the air. "I don't see why you're defending him!"
"Are you kidding me?" Elena retaliated. "Damon! You went to far!"
"You'd actually help the guy who was trying to put his filthy hands on you?" Damon looked her in a stupefied expression. Blood dripped all over his mouth and jaw, and it stained his white shirt as he paced around the room relentlessly. "You are mine, not his! He has no right to touch you!"
"Damon, please, we'll talk about this later, just please heal him!" The dying man's groans were becoming fainter and fainter, despite Elena's interventions. "Please!"
"No," he said in an oddly calm voice. "You want to help the bastard, you do it yourself. You're in luck; there are doctors all around this hellhole. Pick one of them to help you. I'm done." With that, he vanished, a gust of wind blowing past him and he ran out, leaving her alone with the dying man.
She groaned in frustration. "I swear, sometimes, you act like a child!" she yelled, but she knew it was pointless; he was gone, and she was running out of time to help him. There was too much blood; it would take a miracle to save Jameson…or…a vampire.
Taking one blood-covered hand to fish her phone out of her pocket, she quickly called the one person she knew could help in such short notice. She waiting impatiently for her to pick up, only to be greeted with the sarcasm and bluntness coming from the other line. "This better be important, Elena."
A/N: Another cliffhanger, I know. I'm sorry. I am also sorry for any grammar errors. But, at least the biggest mystery has been answered. Now we know why Damon is in an asylum. I made sure the reason did have a psychological background, since this short is somewhat of a psychological thriller. I hope you all liked this chapter. Also, another piece of good news is that we are near the prologue. In fact, we should be getting to it in a few chapters.
Also, just throwing it in here, I got accepted to St. John's University. I am very excited, since I have been waiting for their reply for quite some time.
700 reviews! I am so happy! Thanks so much! You are all amazing! I will update as soon as I can, guys! Midterms are over (Thank God!) so I will begin typing the next chapter tomorrow night. Til then, bye!
XD Emely