Awakening

Chapter 17

Dear Diary?

March, 201-; Junior Year

Nikki and Lizzi Wilson

"I'm not saying that what they did was right. It wasn't. However, the last time I checked, stupid school pranks weren't capital offenses. These were good kids who came from good families. They didn't deserve to die…"

- Statement given by John Hargensen to reporters outside of the White Commission hearings (Aug, 201-)

"Ooh, what's that, a diary?" Nicole Wilson's heart skipped a beat and she nearly knocked over her chai latte. She hadn't heard her sister, Elizabeth, approach. "Looks like you're taking a giant leap backwards."

Nicole had been sitting alone in Kelly Fruit Company, nursing her drink while perusing what might have been a notebook or journal. Her obsidian hair framed her normally pensive, intelligent looking face. Her NYX pure red lipstick was a sharp contrast to her pale, porcelain skin. She gently traced her gel nails, which were done in a shade of dark purple, down the page. Outside, a cold wind howled and an icy, penetrating rain fell. Winter seemed to be fighting desperately to keep its stranglehold on New England and the outside world was a shade of dreary grey. It had been a long day, and she had decided to make a last minute pit stop on her way home from Chamberlain's public library. Given what she had to put up with over the past couple of hours, she reasoned that she deserved a treat.

Kelly Fruit Company was one of Chamberlain's few teen hang-outs, and was usually packed after school. It was decorated in modern pseudo-hipster chic and soft indie music was piped in. The horrid weather had thinned the typical herd down, but there were enough patrons to maintain the cheerful hum of conversation. Nicole had staked out a claim on a booth away from the draft of the door. She had noticed that several of her classmates were scattered here and there; at one table, Emma Swift sat and read while picking at a blueberry muffin and at another booth, Katie O'Shea was laughing at something Cindy Yang had said. Nicole knew that her peers thought she was aloof, and although there was more than a kernel of truth to that opinion, she preferred to think of herself as private rather than cold.

"Somebody ought to but a bell around your neck, Liz," Nicole smiled as she scooted over in the booth. She was silently grateful that Liz at least had the good manners to take her damp coat off before sliding next to her. "It isn't mine."

"Yeah, I figured as much," Liz said as she sat down. "This is actually legible."

Nicole and Elizabeth Wilson – Nikki and Lizzi to their friends – were identical twins and, in spite of having attended Ewen High for two and a half years, were still something of a novelty around school. Only a handful of people were able to tell them apart with any sort of regularity – a fact that they periodically used to their advantage. Lizzi tapped a French-tipped nail against the table as she skimmed the page Nikki was currently turned to.

"Hmm. 'Jesus watches from the wall'… what? Whose journal is this?" Liz shot her sister a perplexed look. Nikki replied with a knowing half-smile.

One of the great things about having a twin was that it was possible to convey a ton of information without saying a word. Sometimes it seemed like she and Nikki could conduct entire conversations through facial expressions and subtle gestures. Although Lizzi generally held superstitions and all things supernatural in low esteem, she really did believe that people who were close learned to pick up on nonverbal clues. Neither girl believed in twin-telepathy – which they considered nonsense, but they fully acknowledged the fact that their relationship as identical siblings provided them with a level of insight that few others ever had the privilege of obtaining. She also believed whole-heartedly that no two people in the world – twin or otherwise – were as close as she and Nikki were. When you get to know someone really well, sooner or later it gets to a point where words aren't always necessary. They were both grateful to have each other, and they drew an immense amount of comfort from their bond. If siblings were special, identical twins were priceless.

"Keep reading," Nikki gave her a look that told her it would be well worth her while.

"'Momma sees inside my soul...'" Lizzi chuckled softy. She half suspected that Nikki was putting her on. Nikki did have an odd sense of humor. "Whoever wrote this has some serious issues. I almost don't want to know."

"Fair enough," Nikki shut the marble notebook. "You'll just have to remain ignorant."

"All right! All right!" Lizzi's sense of curiosity was stronger than the vague feeling of disgust and creepiness that had crept over her. She wasn't by nature a voyeur and reading through someone's personal thoughts – no matter how odd – seemed kind of wrong to her. Still, there was something fascinating about it. "Tell me!

"It's Carrie White's," Nikki said in a hushed tone, trying desperately not to laugh. Lizzi was simultaneously shocked and intrigued at the same time. Curiosity was second nature to the Wilson girls, and Lizzi's was piqued.

"That's Carrie White's diary? What the hell are you doing with…"

"Shhh!"

"How on earth did you get it?" Lizzi whispered as she playfully tried to snatch the notebook out of her twin's hands. Whatever reservations she had about traipsing through someone's diary disappeared in a heartbeat. "Let me see!"

"Well, you know how I mentioned that McGovern was planning on giving us a group project?"

Lizzi nodded. She had Mr. Stephens for Social Studies instead of Mr. McGovern, but had heard all about Nikki's 9th period teacher. One of the best things about having a twin was that you always had someone to complain about school to, and although Nikki apparently liked Mr. McGovern, she still found enough to give Lizzi an earful.

"Instead of letting us work with who we want, McGovern decided to choose our partners for us," Nikki's voice was heavy with resignation. She rolled her eyes as she handed over the diary. "I ended up with the shortest straw I guess. He probably was just being lazy and decided to pair us because our names fall at the end of the alphabet."

"Wow, that sucks," Lizzi commented offhandedly as she started flipping through Carrie's journal.

"Yeah, tell me about it," Nikki gave her sister her patented you ain't kidding look and took a sip of her latte. It was an expression that Lizzi was familiar with, and in spite of their twinliness, she never could quite imitate it.

"Don't get me wrong; the assignment isn't a big deal," Nikki continued. "It's just your standard research-and-present-to-the-class project. We were supposed to choose a Supreme Court Case related to the Constitution and write a brief summery. Heck, I could probably do it all by myself – while sleeping."

Nikki's assessment wasn't that much of a boast. Although social studies wasn't exactly her favorite subject, her grades were good and McGovern wasn't that demanding; at least not by her standards. The Wilson girls prided themselves on their grades, and were brought up to hold themselves to higher standards than the average high school students. They had both been star students at their old school in Motton, and had made honor roll on a number of occasions at Ewen. Under normal circumstances, she wouldn't have lost any sleep over the situation. Nikki usually operated under the assumption that whoever she partnered with would end up coasting while she did most of the work. In the past, this would have bothered her a great deal (Lizzi was more accepting of this), but by her third year at Ewen High, she had grown accustomed to it.

"I told McGovern that I didn't need a partner, and if I had to have one, Carrie would be the last person on earth I'd want to work with." Nikki paused and absentmindedly swirled what remained of her drink in her cup. "He told me that I didn't have a choice, and that part of being an adult was learning how to get along with people I don't like."

"Is he at least grading you separately?" Lizzi moved a little closer to her sister. "I mean, it really wouldn't be fair if your grades ended getting dragged down because of her."

Nikki gave a heavy, resigned sigh and took a deep breath: "She has some really strange opinions, and I don't think she's even read the Constitution. She's a crazy fundamentalist. She probably thinks the Bill of Rights is Satanic. McGovern swore that she was capable of doing the work."

Although their feelings for her weren't as intense as Chris Hargensen's or Tina Blake's, it could be safely said that there was absolutely no love lost between the Wilson girls and Carrie. Lizzi and Nikki both had their own reasons for disliking her – reasons they considered to be just and rational. Carrie was a crybaby and a habitual whiner. The Twins were taught from an early age that whining was unacceptable, and although they tried to be tolerant, there was only so much they could take. Their dislike of her went beyond clashing personalities. Nikki and Lizzi were both firm believers in strong, assertive women, and chaffed at what they considered outdated ideas concerning gender roles. In the couple of years that they had known Carrie, she had come to embody everything they disagreed with – and they resented her for it.

"She doesn't try," Nikki continued while Lizzi leafed through the journal. Nikki knew her sister was still listening – multi-tasking was one of the Wilson family's strong suits. "She doesn't make any effort to fit in or improve herself. It's her own damn fault people don't like her."

"So? What happened?"

"I suggested that we work at our house and she refused – which was a relief," Nikki gave a half-smile. "I mean, who'd actually want to have Carrie White hanging around their home? Her house was a no-go as well. She pretty much freaked out when I brought it up. I wasn't even able to finish the sentence. So, we ended up at the library."

"You were actually OK being seen with her in public? I wasn't aware insanity ran in our family."

Popularity was fleeting and the opinions of high school students were extremely fickle. Although Nikki and her sister had belonged to a clique and had quite a few friends between them, the specter of misfitdom always hovered nearby. Nikki and Lizzi had both been subjected to periodic bullying at their old school in Motton, and were sensitive to the notion that their peers might view them as odd. They knew that an important part of being popular was being seen with the right people. By Junior Year, things had stabilized and they finally felt as if they belonged. Still, it was like walking a tightrope stretched over a minefield. They were fairly confident that they wouldn't end up like Carrie, but the possibility of falling out of their group's favor was constantly on their minds. It wouldn't be the way they would want things to turn out, but they knew they'd cope if they had to. They had each other after all, and that was more than enough.

"I didn't have much of a choice in the matter," Nikki shrugged and gulped down the dregs of her chai. "No one saw us – or at least no one who'd care."

"You're a braver gal than I am," Lizzi said as she fished through her messenger bag for her wallet. She had been watching out of the corner of her eye as people passed by with various tasty looking pastries. Lizzi had a sweet tooth and her stomach growled fiercely. "I wouldn't have been caught dead talking to her."

Carrie had always been something of a whipping girl for Nikki and Lizzi's friends, but over the last couple of months or so, their treatment of her had shifted away from petty teasing towards more concerted bullying. Chris in particular no longer seemed content with just ridiculing Carrie, and the typically harmless taunting the clique participated in took on a much more sinister tone. It was as if the goal had become to hurt her rather than simply have a little fun at her expense. Ever since Donna Kellogg had been kicked out of school for allegedly attacking Carrie, Chris had verged into territory that bordered on torment. The Wilsons were, like everyone else at Ewen High, aware of what happened between Carrie and Donna, and they both suspected that part of Chris's motivation stemmed from her friend's expulsion. Even though Nikki and Lizzi could understand Donna's frustration with the acne-monster, they thought she handled the situation poorly. The idea of someone risking their academic future on account of Carrie White seemed almost foolish (although they'd never dare say that to Chris or Tina.)

"Anyway, we met up at the library. Carrie was actually waiting for me by the entrance," Nikki continued as she took a couple of singles out of her jeans pocket and gave them to her sister. "She looked absolutely miserable. She had on this ugly, ratty looking overcoat that I doubt even Goodwill would accept, and her hair looked like it hasn't seen a brush or shampoo in at least a month. We found a table in an out of the way corner to work at and, surprisingly, got a lot done."

"And that's when you got your hands her journal?"

"Yep. She must have taken it out of her backpack with her social studies book and forgot it. I'm really kind of shocked that she did, given what's in it. Carrie's a flake, but doubt even she'd be dumb enough to leave it laying around. Come to think of it, there was something different about her, though. She looked distracted and… weird."

"I thought weird was par for the course with her. I mean, we are talking about Carrie White. She always looks weird."

Nikki shrugged almost imperceptibly and said: "She looked upset, but it was more than that. I've seen Carrie upset before, but I've never seen her look quite that angry. She looked as if she was ready to snap. She was actually trembling."

"Carrie's harmless. She still tattles on people, for crying out loud. Snapping would probably involve her sobbing alone in the bathroom."

"Maybe," Nikki nonchalantly examined her cuticles, "but if you back a frightened dog into a corner, you'll end up getting bit. That's exactly what Carrie looked like – a cornered dog."

"I'm more concerned about her mother," Lizzi said offhandedly. "She scares me. You remember what happened when we ran into her in town?"

"Yeah, I thought she was going to hit me – us," Nikki did remember. "I can't believe she was actually pissed off enough to find out where we live – let alone come over just to yell at us in person."

During their sophomore year, Carrie had made a comment that had offended Nikki somehow. She couldn't remember exactly what had been said, but it had something to do with religion and was completely ignorant and backwards. As far as Nikki was concerned, Carrie epitomized backwardness. In hindsight it seemed stupid and petty, but Nikki was incensed and had let her emotions run away from her. She had waited patiently to be called on with her hand raised, and as soon as the teacher did, Nikki gave Carrie one hell of a dressing down. The whole class – including the instructor – was left speechless. It was the first time she had intentionally reduced someone to tears, and Nikki fully expected to be punished for it. The teacher didn't say anything, and Nikki had more or less forgotten about it. Carrie, on the other hand, didn't forget and had apparently told her mother everything after school. The upshot was that Mrs. White took it upon herself to chastise Nikki right as the Wilson family was sitting down to dinner. What transpired afterwards was loud, unpleasant and left an indelible mark on both of the Wilson girls. Ever since then, Nikki and Lizzi have had an abiding aversion to Carrie's mom.

"Do you think she's still shaken up over what happened with Donna?" Lizzi asked as she scooted out of the booth. There was a berry tart on display that was beckoning her and it was a call she intended to answer. Nikki gave another half-shrug. "Well, she'll probably get over it sooner or later."

Nikki watched as her twin got on line and then turned her attention back to Carrie's diary. Most of the entries consisted of the typical prosaic stuff that most journals are crammed with – food, new clothes and exams seemed to account for a sizable chunk of her writing. Not surprisingly, Carrie's classmates occupied a fair amount of writing space. Chris and Donna's names seemed to appear with particular regularity, and entire pages looked as if they were devoted to cataloging every insult that she was subjected to. Reading about her friends from someone else's point of view was fascinating and repulsive in equal measures.

'I've never heard Chris say anything nice to anyone – even her friends. I think people only listen to her because they're afraid… I can't blame them. She scares me, too. I wonder if she actually cares about anyone.'

Carrie's opinion of Chris didn't surprise her, and probably wouldn't have surprised anyone familiar with either girl. Nikki, for her part, liked Chris and knew for a fact that Lizzi did as well. Sure, Chris was impulsive and immature at times, but she also got them. She was one of the few students at Ewen who made any effort to understand them as individuals as opposed to a pair. Chris was even able to tell them apart. Nikki also believed wholeheartedly that she understood Chris, and was able to roll with the various emotional punches that came from being friends with a hot-headed teen. She was aware of Chris's various triggers, and generally knew how to avoid setting her off. Nikki was still cognizant of the fact that she could make a fatal misstep and be ostracized, but that was small price to pay for having a front row seat to the adolescent drama.

'Sometimes I wonder why they hate me so much. I don't go out of my way to cause problems for them. Maybe someday they'll look back at how they've treated me and regret it…'

"She even whines when she writes," Nikki said aloud to herself. The fact that Carrie's habit of sniveling was mirrored in her writing wasn't the least bit shocking, and made for dull reading. She skimmed through a number of passages that really didn't interest her, as well as a few that were downright unsettling – including one that seemed to imply that Carrie's mother had a habit of hitting her.

"What happens in her private life is none of my business," Nikki mumbled mostly under her breath. Said the girl who's casually reading through Carrie White's private journal, she thought as she mentally kicked herself as she rapidly leafed past the section. Hypocrite much?

'I wish people would stop laughing at me,' Nikki's eyes had settled on a passage that seemed promising. 'Nobody seems to care that I have feelings – or that they hurt me… It feels as if everyone either hates me or ignores me. I'm actually grateful for being ignored.'

She skipped past a couple of pages filled with various poems, psalms and Biblical passages. Mixed in were a couple of snippets of song lyrics (Celine Dion seemed to be a favorite) and what might have been intended as a letter to a popular young actor. Carrie apparently lacked the nerve to mail it. There were also a number of sketches – mostly of landscapes and angels – that were scattered about in between entries and quotes. Although she would never admit it, Nikki thought some of them were actually kind of pretty. One in drawing in particular caught her eye. It was a fairly intricate piece of work focusing on a girl and a boy holding hands with their backs to the viewer. It was obvious who the girl was meant to be, given the calf length skirt and frizzy hair. The boy, however, was a different issue and Nikki really didn't have a clue as to who Carrie intended it to be.

"That kinda looks like Tommy Ross," Lizzi set her tray down and slid in next to her sister. In addition to her sugar bomb, she had bought a fresh cup of chai for Nikki. "Wow. I think Carrie just graduated from strange and annoying to creepy and potentially dangerous."

Nikki smiled at her sister's comment as she turned the page. Somehow gross invasions of other peoples' personal lives didn't seem quite as shady when you had a partner in crime. She cleared her throat, and in her best stage whisper read from a random entry.

"'I know I should forgive them. Matthew 18:21-22 says that I should keep forgiving them. It's hard, though. Sometimes I hate them, and I know it's wrong. I don't want to hate. Sometimes I wish Chris and the other Ultras would just go away. I just get so angry, sometimes…'"

"Who are the Ultras?" Lizzi asked.

"I don't know."

"Oh, here's one! 'I wish Momma would let me be me for a change!'" Lizzi read, perhaps a little too loudly. A couple of younger girls at a nearby table turned towards their booth. Nikki scowled at her – scowling was a specialty of hers. Lizzi apologized and continued in a softer voice: "'If I could just be myself, I think people might like me! I'm not a freak! I'm not a monster!'"

"I'm not a monster," Nikki said, placing her hand meaningfully over her heart. "I'm a human being!"

Lizzi completely lost it. She put her head on the table and howled into the crook of her elbow. Nikki tried unsuccessfully to shush her, but found that her control was slipping as well. Lizzi didn't laugh often, but when she did it was infectious. It always made Nikki happy to see her sister laugh and smile and an ill-defined sense of warmth spread through her. This feeling of happiness was just one of the many benefits of having a twin, and although Nikki put next to no stock in religion, she had to admit she was blessed to have Lizzi in her life.

"Y-Y-You sh-should give..." Lizzi stammered as she tried to get a grip on herself. "You should give it back to her."

"Yeah. I guess," Nikki knew Liz was right. They had their fun, and the appropriate thing to do would be to return it. She had no clue how to, but that would sort itself out. "I'll give it back to Carrie when I see her."

"Why would you do that?" Nikki tensed. She hadn't heard Chris Hargensen walk up behind her. She mentally chided herself for letting people sneak up on her twice in the same day. Chris smiled innocently as she set down her messenger bag. Sue, Tina and Rhonda Simard were standing on line, waiting to place their orders. "I mean, why waste such a good opportunity?"

"I don't know, Chris," Nikki could tell that Lizzi was just as uncomfortable as she was. Although they had no real idea what Chris had in mind, they figured it was probably much worse than privately poking fun at a classmate who was dumb enough to leave her diary in a public place. Neither twin particularly cared about Carrie, but they weren't sure they wanted to cross whatever line Chris intended to step over. "I don't think we should keep it."

"Yeah, I think it might be better if we give it back to her." Lizzi chimed in, her voice tight and anxious. Chris's smile slipped a notch, and her eyes narrowed.

"Why? Don't you trust me?" Chris petulantly folded her arms and sighed. Nikki and Lizzi knew Chris well enough to know where this was heading. "I'd trust you – both of you – with anything. That's what friends do."

"Chris, I…" Nikki again made eye-contact with her twin, but didn't find any comfort. "I-I just don't know why…"

"Really? After everything Carrie has done to me? To us? If things had been different, and Carrie had hurt you the way she hurt me or Donna, you know we'd do everything possible to make her pay for it. Friends stick up for each other, don't they? They defend each other."

"Chris…"

"We're friends, aren't we?"

Nikki had seen her manipulate others, and the notion that she might be capable of doing it to her had been buried away in the back of her mind. A dull, throbbing irritation rose in her throat. She wanted to say something – wanted to make it clear to clear to Chris that what she was doing was unacceptable. Under the table she could feel Lizzi gently press down on her foot. Nikki closed her eyes and mentally deleted the couple of phrases she was about to utter. Chris wasn't entirely wrong, and Nikki didn't really want to risk her place – or her sister's – in the clique. Part of having a twin was that you needed to be aware of the ramifications your actions might have on them. Nikki didn't want to cause problems for Lizzi.

"OK, you're right," she handed over the journal and gave Chris what she hoped was a convincingly apologetic smile. Chris had a dwelling on personal slights – real or imagined, and Nikki thought it would best not to push her luck. Besides, were Carrie White's feelings really worth losing a friend over? No, she thought to herself, definitely not.

"Thanks, Nik!" Chris tucked the notebook into her messenger bag. "You're the best!"

It sure doesn't feel that way, Nikki thought to herself as she reached for Lizzi's hand.

Notes: Sorry it took so long. Writer's block is never a fun thing. This was kind of a difficult chapter to write, and I'm using it as something of a breather before we start getting into the darker stuff. In any case, I'm going to try to flesh out the remaining characters before we get into the prom. I'm hoping that by developing them, their fates will have a little more impact (and most of them will end up having really unhappy endings.)

Some of Carrie's diary entries were taken from the book and musical.

The Twins really weren't developed in any great detail in the remake (or the novel, for that matter), but I always kind of pictured them as kind of a sarcastic, rational counterpoint to Chris.

I took the idea of Carrie sketching herself with Tommy from the made for TV version – it was actually kind of a cute blink-and-you'll-miss-it scene.

Next up are Loyal?, Nice? and Good Girls? Monster will probably be the next story I post (it isn't Carrie related).

Again, thanks for reading! ~ Trish.

Character Notes: Christine "Chris" Hargensen

Age: 17 (June 1st)

Canon: In all of the versions, Chris is pretty much portrayed as an all-around mean girl. How bad she is seems to depend on what retelling you're looking at, but she isn't very nice on the whole. In the book, it's fairly heavily implied that she has some sort of psychological issue (which isn't exactly helped by her home life) and is shown to have at least a few boundaries she isn't willing to cross. In the DePalma version, she comes across as more of a comedic villain, and she comes across as less deliberately mean and more childish. The remake humanizes her a bit, and builds on her being spoiled and in need of a good shrink. Her fate is more or less the same in all versions.

Appearance: Like a lot of the main characters, Chris's appearance changes depending on the version you're dealing with. I decided to go with the remake version (which is pretty much the same as the book version) as opposed to the blonde version from the DePalma film.

To put it plainly, Chris is attractive. She has dark, wavy hair and icy blue eyes. She is generally good physical shape and has a classically beautiful figure. Her skin isn't quite as pale as the Twins or Tina's and she's a little bit shorter than Tina and Sue. She has very expensive taste in clothing, and tends towards more provocative attire. She does overdo it with make-up, but usually stops just short of distasteful. She has long, professionally done nails, and tries to keep up with the most current trends. She knows she's attractive and uses it to her advantage.

Personality and Background: One of Ewen High's alpha girls and queen bee, Chris is the defacto leader of the Ultras. High maintenance would perhaps be the nicest way to describe Chris. Others, especially those who don't like her, would probably call her manipulative, shallow, snobby and selfish. A hand full of people, including Carrie White, wouldn't even be that generous, and would outright accuse her of being a bully – and they wouldn't be wrong in doing so. Even her friends admit that she has a major mean streak and can be capricious, demanding and immature. They would also point out that she's generous, fiercely loyal to her friends and is capable of genuine affection. Chris is very intelligent, but is also exceedingly lazy and tends to put very little actual effort into school (which is a shame, because she really could go far if she wanted to.) One aspect of her life that does get her full attention and energy is socialization. She tends to place a great value on popularity, and will compete ruthlessly with her rivals (namely Jessica Upshaw.) She holds grudges and is somewhat paranoid.

Her home life isn't particularly pleasant. Although she has pretty much everything a girl her age could want, she tends to be lacking many of the things she needs. Her mother is cold, aloof and generally more interested in her business and personal life than raising a daughter. Her father, John, is a successful and ruthless lawyer – something which she brings up from time to time. Neither her mother nor father really bother setting limits (Chris can get away with quite a bit as long as it doesn't embarrass them) and apart from providing her material things, generally don't show affection towards her. They basically view her as a status symbol. Her father will come to her rescue when the situation calls for it, but he usually never attaches any sort of parental lesson to these experiences. This is one of the main reasons why she acts out – she craves attention. Become a queen-bee has fulfilled this to a degree, but she is still very insecure. Chris really doesn't like herself, and periodically allows others to degrade her in return for the illusion of affection and love (Billy Nolan tends to take advantage of this). She has a bad habit of bouncing from one abusive boyfriend to another.

Chris is very affectionate to her friends, and although her idea of love and loyalty are somewhat altered due to her upbringing, she places a great deal of value on them. Donna Kellogg, Tina Blake and Sue Snell are her "best" best friends, but she is loving to all of her clique. She loves scary movies, fast cars and horses.

Jessica Upshaw is probably the closest thing she has to an actual rival and she tries to get along with her more for "political" reasons than any actual affinity. She doesn't like Jeanie Gault and absolutely hates Norma Watson. Frieda Jason, Emma Swift, Katie O'Shea and Freddie Holt are favorite targets of hers.

It's usually best not to mention Carrie White in her presence.