25. It's Called Closure
Mike throws his smart phone to the bed with such force it bounces to the floor. He's so angry and hurt by the pictures Alex posted of himself with his girlfriend on twitter. Feels like the guy is just doing it to piss him off. But to what end?
For the past two months, Mike has idly watched as Alex continuously flaunts his newfound relationship online. He knows he should just stop following him on the social networking site, and he knows how he must look in the man's eyes, but he can't bring himself to sever the last tie. After all, he meant what he said, that he'd never give up on the guy. Plus, it doesn't help that part of him is just plain stubborn.
Either way, it doesn't change the fact that all of his pent up frustration is in need of an outlet.
In all the time since the break up, he's never been able to talk to anyone about what he's been going through and at this point he can only think of one person he can share his problem with. So after a few minutes of wallowing in self-pity, Mike collects the collateral damage known as his phone. Looks it over to make sure he didn't break it and when he discovers it's fine, he sends out a quick text.
He waits patiently for a response. Figures if he doesn't get one then confiding in someone isn't meant to be and that-
His phone beeps. Turns out it's meant to be.
xxxx
"Hey, man. Sorry to bother you," Mike says as he enters his fellow superstar's hotel room. It's exactly the same as his except the layout is backwards.
"You're not."
"I just don't know who else to talk to."
"Is this about Alex?"
"You'd think after six months it wouldn't be, but it is. He's all I think about." Mike falls heavy to the bed, sits there with his hands covering his face. "I think I'm losin' it, man."
Cody looks to the guy he envied for so long and now he can't help but feel grateful that he's not in Mike's position. "I saw the pictures he posted with that girl he's dating," Rhodes comments, guesses that must be the reason for Mike's impromptu visit.
Mike barely has it in him to roll his eyes. "Yeah, me too."
"I can't believe he's with a football player. Who's the guy trying to kid?"
Mike chuckles half-heartedly and then it hits him how inappropriate it is to be talking to someone who, in his own right, may very well still have feelings for Alex. "Oh shit, Cody. What was I thinking? You don't want me talking to you about this." The broken-hearted man gets up and heads to the door. Maybe this wasn't the best idea after all and under the guise of concern lies the perfect excuse for him to get the hell out of the conversation he's so foolishly initiated.
"Miz, don't worry about it." Cody reaches out, his palms meeting advancing shoulders, blocking Mike's path to the door. "I accepted that Alex was with you a long time ago. It's not a big deal. I've moved on."
"See, that's normal! That's what's supposed to happen! I'm supposed to move on." Falling back down to the bed, Mike's temperament once again becomes subdued, sad. "He moved on. How'd he move on so easy?"
Cody sighs. "Maybe…don't take this the wrong way, but maybe that's because he…"
Mike looks up to Cody. "Because he what?"
"I mean, are you sure he wasn't with her before you two split?"
Mike scoffs and shakes his head.
"But you did ask him, just to make sure, right?"
"I didn't have to. I have a million unanswered questions, but that's literally the one thing I'd never have to worry about." Mike shuts his eyes and holds in his sadness until he can't. "It gets worse every day," he sobs tearlessly, clutching his stomach. "Why does it hurt so much, Cody?"
"Because you're in love with him."
Mike grimaces with an all encompassing pain. Oh, the weight of that word. "It would be so much easier if I could just hate him."
"Nothing's ever easy when it comes to love…especially hate."
Mike is quiet. Sometimes he fears that he's blown everything out of proportion. That he's become obsessed merely with finding out the truth and that love is just an excuse he clings to. But just like every other time, his thoughts flood with the memories he created with Alex. He accesses his whole life with the man within the confines of a single heartbeat and the truth it reveals reminds him it was real. It was all real.
Being with Alex was the greatest time in his life, even with all the external challenges they were faced with, because they were a team. Every day was worth it because they were together. And even now he's well aware that the only reason he's still breathing is because Alex is still breathing. The man gives him the strength he needs to carry on even when he sends out stupid pictures that infuriate him and exasperate the wound.
"You wanna hear something pathetic?" The question is rhetorical. Mike doesn't really care if Cody wants to hear it or not because he's going to say it anyway. Needs to tell someone, if only just once, to feel less alone. "I use the same kind of body wash he used when we were together so I can feel like he's next to me when I go to sleep, because it's the only way I can sleep anymore," he confesses, head to the floor. "And when I actually do, I have the most vivid dreams, like they're really happening…or like they have happened."
"Really?"
Mike nods. "Almost every time I fall asleep since the night he left and they're basically the same every time." Mike pauses for a second, starting to feel anxious as he visualizes his dreams. "Sometimes I'll be in a plane and it's going down but it's in slow motion so everyone has time to get out and everyone does because there's this huge pile of parachutes on the floor. And I'm sitting there and I can see people jumping to safety all around me but I can't move and I realize it's because my seatbelt is jammed. I'll look over and Alex will be right there next to me and he'll be trying to break me free but he's not strong enough. Or I'll be drowning and he'll be underwater with me but there's a weight around my waist, it's like a fucking cannonball, and it's pulling me down and he can't pull me to the surface."
"Those sound like nightmares."
Mike nods in agreement, scrunches his faux hawk. "They're tedious. It seems like they drag on forever and they always end the same way."
"Why? What happens?"
"Basically when he realizes he can't save us both, he tells me how much he loves me and he keeps saying how sorry he is, over and over, and there's more but I can never understand exactly what he's saying, it just sounds like his voice is muffled. Y'know, the engine of the plane or the water or whatever it is, it always interferes. But the worst part is when he has to leave me behind. I can't go with him and that's when I wake up. And then the most amazing thing happens. In those few seconds between sleep and awake, I'm really still and calm. It's like I'm somewhere else and it feels like he's in the bed next to me, like it was before. I try to stay there as long as I can because even though I don't know what he was apologizing for, I know that in my dream I understand why he has to let me go and I always forgive him. I try to hold onto that feeling throughout the day but then he does shit like this and I just don't know how much more of this I can take."
"Jesus, Mike…" Cody sighs sympathetically and Mike raises his head looking so lost, silently pleading for some kind of direction. "I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but it sounds like you need closure. You should talk to him."
"Don't you think I've tried?"
"So try again," Cody urges.
"Maybe you could talk to him for me."
Cody crosses his arms, taking a step back, chuckling. "What are we, in junior high?" He waits for a response, but Mike just continues his silent plea. "I can't get in the middle of this, Miz. Besides, I already tried talking to him about the whole thing back when it first happened and he completely shut me out."
"Really?"
Cody nods. "So to be honest, I really think, if anyone's gonna talk to him, if anyone has a chance of getting through to him, it'll be you. It should be you. And this is something you need to do 'cause you can't go on like this. Look at you. It's affecting your whole life, and I hate to say it, but you suck in the ring."
"It's that noticeable?"
"Ron couldn't even carry your sorry ass. You know, you're never gonna be WWE Champion again at this rate."
"I don't care. I'd give it all up, all of it, to be with him again."
Cody tucks his chin in, peers down to Mike. "You still care."
"I care about him."
"So, go to him!"
Mike rolls his eyes. "So, what? I should just go knock on his door?"
"Sure, why not?"
Mike laughs in disbelief, wishes it was as easy as Cody's making it out to be. He stares at the guy defiantly, thinks maybe if he glares long enough, Cody will give him a different answer, but the younger man doesn't budge.
Mike huffs. He's never liked losing at anything - whether it be a fight, a game, an argument - but deep down he's grateful to be given an excuse, a reason to talk to Alex that doesn't come directly from his own nagging insistence. "Do you know what room he's in?"
xxxx
It's not exactly as if Alex is in the next room over, so there's considerable effort on Mike's part to get to him. And that means it's taking time. Time for him to convince himself what a horrible idea this is, time for him to turn around and forget the whole thing, but to his surprise, it isn't enough time and before he knows it, he's knocking on the door labeled with the three numbers Cody gave him. There's no turning back now.
Mike. The name rolls off Alex's tongue the instant he connects with the remarkable blue eyes that stand before him, obviously surprised by the unannounced visit.
"Hi," Mike says sheepishly. He hasn't been this close to Alex in months and he's not sure if he can handle it, which is ridiculous. He's exchanged bodily fluids with this man, been in compromising positions with him, their naked bodies entangled - images that make him blush at the mere remembrance of them. He knows what he tastes like; what he smells like. They've seen each other cry for fuck's sake. At the very least they should be able to have a conversation. "Can I come in?"
Alex can feel the brave front he's worn for half a year start to crumble as he invites Mike into his room and as the guy walks past him, their arms migrate towards each other so close that Alex can feel the warmth radiating off Mike's bare skin. It's enough to make him want to weep. "Are you alright?"
"Am I alright?" Mike echoes the slightly altered question in amazement, finds Alex's concern laughable. "No. Not at all."
God it hurts to look at him, to be within arm's reach of what he wants but can never have, but Alex remains committed to his resolve. "What is it?"
"You're seeing that girl."
"Fuck," Alex whispers, deeply disappointed, just as a doctor would be if his patient experienced a relapse, and of course that's where Alex has gone wrong. Mike isn't someone who needs to be fixed or reprogrammed; he isn't some kind of project. So with that, everything he thought he had been accomplishing is wiped away with a single sentence. Quickly, he's forced back into the isolated corner he's relegated himself to, his guilt gnawing away at him again.
It was his last resort: having a girlfriend. He honestly thought that if Mike saw him with someone else, he'd have no choice but to finally let him go. But seeing as how Mike waited two whole months to confront him about Eliese, tells Alex he's been trying too hard and now it's backfired in the worst way.
Alex wipes his brow. He's frustrated and so tired of hurting Mike again and again, but it's almost become second nature to him at this point. "When are you gonna let this go, Mike?"
Mike starts to well up, disappointed he's lost the upper hand so soon and with it, his composure. What was left of his confidence is replaced with brazen, unapologetic honesty instead - the kind only Alex has ever managed to evoke in him. "Can't you see that you're killing me?"
"Why can't you just accept that it's over?"
"Because you won't tell me why it's over!" Mike bellows. "You won't tell me what I did wrong. And you continue to hold this secret sin I committed over my head!" Mike rushes to Alex and grabs his shirt in clenched fists, knuckles turning white and Alex grabs his hands and tries to pry them off of him. "Is there not a statute of limitations to this suffering? Can I never be absolved?" Mike cries with a vanishing voice, pulling Alex close, his forehead falling to the man's shoulder. "Just tell me what I did," he whimpers, the plea ripping from the lining of his tortured soul.
It's just too much. It's too powerful to fight. Alex stops grasping at the back of Mike's hands and holds them instead. Leans his cheek against Mike's soft hair. It's not a conscious decision on his part - his eyes drifting shut as he melts into the familiar comfort of Mike's touch; the pull the man has over him ever present. "You didn't do anything," he confesses softly into the broken man's ear.
"Then what is it?!" Mike barks, snapping Alex out of his momentary lapse with a forceful shove to his chest and when the man won't answer, he shoves him again. "I deserve closure!"
"You want closure?!" Alex shouts abrasively. "How's this for closure: I'm not gay! I don't want to have sex with a man!" With this venomous outburst he pushes Mike twice as hard as he was pushed and there's nothing he regrets more in his pathetic excuse of a life than saying what he just did. He feels himself being hurled into the deepest rift born of the catastrophe he created, the darkness of the abyss devouring him whole. He only wishes the ground would do the same.
Mike barely catches his footing, Alex having shoved him so much harder than the guy probably intended, but that doesn't even matter - his words are what hurt the most. The tongue proving sharper than any blade, more powerful than any punch. The words echo, rippling through the dense air, each iteration seeming louder than the last. The stabbing is in Mike's chest, feeling like it's punctured a lung. His stomach twisted tight; knotted rustic rope. He can't believe Alex would say something so insulting, so absolute. So untrue. But how can he possibly argue with it?
He looks to his feet, seeking some kind of solace from the fact that he's still standing and that he's still alive, but reality is of no consequence because he doesn't feel alive.
It's Alex walking out of his hotel room all over again, leaving him alone, to drown in a deluge of his own tears.
The point has come where Mike has no other choice than to accept that the battle raging inside of him for so long has finally come to an abrupt end. The casualty count: one.
He tries to swallow but he can't, his mouth so dry. "Are you happy with her?" Mike's voice is tired and raspy from the fight, but he has to know.
"Never been happier."
Mike looks up to Alex. Despite the hell the man's put him through, he still loves him and always will but he can't bear to look at him much longer. Only a few seconds more.
Alex locks onto Mike. He's had plenty of time to perfect a callous, impenetrable stare. His eyes are so steady he should win an award for his convincing performance. But the pain he feels when Mike looks back to the floor shatters that illusion. He fears those distressed eyes will haunt him for the rest of his days and he has no one to blame but himself…again.
Mike clears his throat. "Because that's all I ever wanted for you," he adds. "To be happy."
Alex looks away, Mike's love too strong for his defenses; bores its way through the chinks in his rusting armor. His chin starts quivering and if Mike were to look up again, the ruse would be exposed for the load of bullshit that it is, but he doesn't. Instead, he starts moving forward and when he's standing beside Alex, he pauses. Grabs the man's shoulder and gives a firm squeeze. Alex reaches up to grab Mike's hand but it's too late and Mike's already at the door. Frantically, Alex turns around wanting to stop Mike from leaving but his voice fails him and he's left feeling like he's lost the guy all over again.
Mike's trapped in a thick fog as he makes his way down the hall towards the elevator. He's so depressed and consumed by a debilitating heartache that he doesn't notice the beautiful brunette walking past him.