A/C - As always thanks for the great reviews! I love reading your thoughts and (dang) most of you are SPOT ON your assumptions...I wonder if that makes me a bad author or if that makes you an amazing audience? ~\^.^/~

Chapter 25 - I Hate This Part Right Here

^.^

Naru did not join me for breakfast the next morning, or dinner later that evening. He was gone before I even woke up the next day too, that or he hadn't come home at all.

So, I had written him a note on the last piece of paper we used as a grocery list before I left for work.

I want to talk to you.

It was still sitting on the table next day - until I threw it in the garbage.

I was pissed enough that I stalked into the streets, barely remarking on how sunny the day was since it had been raining for two days straight.

I was starting to enjoy our closeness, that he was letting me see that side of him I knew Naru kept hidden from others. I was starting to feel happy again, something that I hadn't felt for a very long time.

When Naru left, I had been so profoundly unhappy because I'd wanted things to stay the same. Maybe some part of me had hoped if we stayed together long enough things would naturally happen between us. And, maybe, I had held onto that hope so much that I was devastated that he actually left and did not come back.

I knew it was wrong but... I wanted us to try to be something. Together. Even if it were just friends.

I was healed - or healing - enough to want to try.

I wanted to try.

So I waited for him in moonlit living room, hoping that he would come home soon.

But he didn't come.

^.^

"Ah, the reason we've had our heads bitten off the past couple of days," Bou-san said by way of greeting. Bou-san's arm was draped lazily over the back of Yasu's section of the booth. He and Yasu were the first to show for our planned lunch with Masako, they were at one of our favourite cafe's we all used to visit when SPR was still running.

I frowned and Yasu explained, "Naru has been staying at Bou-san's. He and Lin have been wrapped up in some kind of project. Probably involving you, and he certainly hasn't been very happy."

Bou-san interjected, "Is he ever in a good mood though? He's been hunting for answers on that damned mark. I bet he's been hitting dead end after dead end."

I tried for a casual tone as I took off my jacket and slid into the booth across from them. "Did he say anything about it?"

"Not really," Yasu said. "But you know the big boss, he's relatively quiet about these matters."

I didn't want to talk about Naru. So, instead I asked, "What's been up with you guys?"

There was a long, stretched out silence as the two guys gazed at one another. It was Bou-san who broke away first and Yasu's smile grew broad, without restraint. He remained, uncharacteristically, quiet.

It was Bou-san who excused himself, "I'm going to see how our drinks are coming along."

I raised an eyebrow at Yasu when Bou-san scooted out of the booth.

Yasu leaned back in his chair, his face turning bright red. "We might be some-what seeing eachother."

"What?" This was big news. Probably bigger than anything between Naru and I. "You and Bou-san? I would have never guessed."

"Me either," Yasu said. "Until I went to one of his band practices and his mates may have slipped the secret of our monk friend. I suppose the signs were there but I couldn't figure out if he wanted to just go along with me or if he wanted me."

"Couldn't it be both?"

Yasu's eyes sparkled. "Yes, indeed. Well, now the secret's out but he wants to keep it on the down low. So, please don't tell Masako."

"Unreal," I tried to think back to any signs that it could be true: some of them in our early times were there. "I'm really happy for you Yasu. I won't tell until you guys are ready."

He gave me a smile. "And your happiness will come through, Mai."

^.^

I waited for him to come home the next night. I had enough of him pushing me away and I needed to tell him that, even if it didn't fix anything.

I just needed to talk to him and tell him that there would be nothing between us. That I was wrong - because it was a mistake for me to think we could be anything.

It made me realize that I wasn't just unhappy. I was lonely without Naru.

And, for a moment, I thought Naru was just as lonely as I was.

Maybe that's why I kissed him, because I thought we were the same. That some part of him wanted me. I knew now, though, that wasn't true.

I had been sitting and waiting every single night now, hoping that he would come home eventually.

Tonight was finally the night.

Naru turned on the lamp near the living room entrance and I knew I had caught him by surprise when he didn't notice me after his initial glance in the room. When his placid eyes met mine, the reaction was subtle, but with him most were, and I could tell he was a little taken back.

"Why are you still up?" He asked, cooly. As if those weren't the first words he had said to me in days. Naru walked to the table in the middle of the room, placing down a heavy looking computer bag.

Blandly I said, "This seems to be the only way I can get your attention now."

He didn't answer as he proceeded to take off his jacket, placing it on the back of a chair where most of his clothes were currently occupying.

"I know I overstepped my boundaries," I blurted. "And I'm sorry - for what happened the other night."

Slowly, I stood up and Naru noticed as I bowed deeply at the waist. I tried to resist the burning of my cheeks that triggered my tears and clenched my jaw, tightly. The harsh expanding of my lungs from humiliation, shame and guilt made it difficult to keep my breathing steady.

"Why are you apologizing?" Naru asked. As if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

I straightened in time to watch Naru undo a single button from the very top of his black dress shirt. Watched him roll his shoulder once. "Because I can't stand it when you're mad at me, or when you don't talk to me."

In that moment of open honesty, I looked away from him. "I liked it when you opened up to me."

Naru sighed, then moved towards the table in between us and reached into his bag. He pulled out a stack of papers.

"I haven't been ignoring you because of that. I've been researching the Lasser Glass. And I think I know where to find it now."

I wasn't expecting that. Not at all.

"I'm pleased that my ignoring you felt like a punishment." Naru said with dark amusement.

"You found the Lasser Glass?" I tried to regain my composure. "You actually know where to find the Lasser Glass?"

"Not exactly," he clarified. "I found the last family who owned it. Though, it's very unlikely they have the mirror in their possession but we have a starting point."

My mind was spinning, I couldn't fathom how Naru had found that information, let alone how he could track it down to a single family. He was brilliant, absolutely brilliant.

"So you stayed away...to find the Lasser Glass?" I tried to wrap my head around this. "You weren't mad at me?"

It took Naru longer to answer that. "I thought about it."

"You thought about it," I repeated.

"When you kissed me," Naru clarified, and he said with such a straight face. Never in a million years had I imagined those words ever coming out of his mouth. "I thought about it."

Colour rushed to my face. This wasn't real. I had dreams about this moment and I knew, for a fact, that they were not real.

"I'm sorry I... know better than to do things like that. I understand if you don't want anything to do with me. I think... I better leave you to your work."

Hurriedly, I went to the hallway. I had said everything I needed to say. But, Naru's voice caught me when I reached the threshold.

"No," his voice was strained, as if he were fighting with something internally. "Wait. I...wait. You don't need to leave."

I shifted on my feet, turning back around and feeling, suddenly, nervous. Anxious.

Naru's gaze was edged with indecipherable emotion, his jaw was set in a new angle. He struggled for the words, a calm storm took over his features and turned them to stone.

The silence stretched out for a long time that the words, when they came, were a shock.

"What you said about me not wanting anything to do with you I… it isn't true."

"I never thought it was," I said uneasily. Truthfully.

"I mean that whatever...whatever is happening between us, I haven't been able to come up with an explanation for it." Naru said.

"Does it need an explanation?"

Naru said, steadily. "Every kind of energy has an explanation. There is an explanation for where it goes, and what happens when it's presumed gone. The kind of energy we have is different. I've never felt this before, with anyone. You had once told me that you couldn't understand why you had feelings for me. I sometimes find myself wondering the same."

I stared at him and felt a strange pressure on my chest. The lamplight appeared to wave and flicker.

"You're very," said Naru, his voice dropping low, "attractive."

Had that been the first time Naru called me attractive? I felt my blush expand to the rest of my body. It felt hot and I curled my toes in my slippers at the way he stared at me. Naru was not an affectionate person, not in the least, but I wondered if he knew he could make his voice sound like that, as if it were velvet stroking my spine.

It caressed my skin, awakening my soul.

"I have never been kissed like that before." Naru continued, not noticing the change in the air suddenly. This room was small, too small, even when though we were several feet apart.

"Back in Kamikawa, you said that there was something you needed to tell me. You never did say it."

It was the morning we had forgotten to smudge, when we had found ourselves in a completely different world. Naru had hesitated that time and I scanned him for any hesitation, or sense of it, now. I found none. Instead, he gazed at me calmly. His blue eyes were burning with an intensity I had only started to realize Naru was capable of.

Even if he didn't know it.

He didn't answer me like that though, and I found myself watching him as he would watch me sometimes.

"Tell me what that look means." I said, bracing myself for the answer. My heart was pounding through my skin and I knew I should stop. I should stop and turn around, head to my room and call it a night. I needed to close the door on whatever was happening here.

But I couldn't force myself to move.

"I'm thinking that it would be very easy to allow myself to love you."

It wasn't what I was expecting from Naru - not at all. I was slowly starting to become used to these deep moments, starting to become less and less surprised by them.

"But you can't, can you?" My voice shook. "You can't love me."

Everything I love has a tendency of being taken away from me, he had once told me that. It was so long ago now and I remembered Naru had thought himself as a mess, someone who was unworthy of love.

Is that how he felt? That he couldn't possibly be allowed to love, or be loved, by another person?

Or was he afraid to love again? Gene was his brother, an unconditional love would have existed between them no matter what the the relationship was. Did that break something within him?

Perhaps Naru has been hurting all this time. More than anybody. He loved Gene and was hurt that Gene had been killed. Then, he built up these walls around himself so he would never be hurt again.

I should have said: You shouldn't love me. I should have told him that he and I could never be.

Because I would only end up hurting him.

"I thought going back to England would make it easier. You should know that you were right: I did have feelings for you." Naru said, and I knew those words were very hard for him. "I realize that leaving did more harm than good."

There it was - the truth. It was everything I had dreamed about, yet somehow this felt wrong. I shouldn't have feelings for Naru, not when I could very possibly be taken away from him the way Gene was. Even though Naru was cold-hearted, he was still human.

"Do you remember when you told me you had feelings for Gene?" Naru's voice found it's way back to me. "That you thought he was kind and considerate. That it was easy to call him a friend, easier to call him a lover."

Suddenly my heart dropped to my gut.

"So?" It was the only thing I could think to say.

"I was jealous of that. That I'm not… that sort of person. For anyone. Gene has always been neutral. He was always the one people liked and flocked to. He would never have to worry about not being chosen by the one he wanted. So, yes, I was jealous of him - because it will always be easy for him. And, that I can't be that person for anyone."

"Naru, I -"

"That's what I wanted to tell you back in Kamikawa," he said. "That I can't love anyone because I'm not good. I'm not like Gene."

"What's so wrong with someone loving you?" I heard the shakiness in my voice and forced it down, forced myself to swallow and relieve my dry throat. Naru had turned around, walking away from me.

I pressed further. "What's wrong with allowing yourself to love someone? Because what if you actually let someone in and they saw you for what you really are."

Naru laughed, bitter and soft. "There's not much to hide: I'm a heartless man, with a bad personality. You don't think I know how stories get written? I am the dark brother, the demon. The nightmare and I will meet a bad end."

"No," I huffed when he turned to face me. The open emotion on his face was enough to tell me that he, very much, believed every single word he just said. "You're a man who is afraid of love because it's something he doesn't understand."

Naru's jaw clenched as he stepped back, swaying slightly. "I don't think I'm particularly ready for your brand of honesty at this moment."

"You'll never know if you don't try. Loving someone doesn't mean you have to be romantic with them. We can just...stay friends." I said quietly as I moved to the edge of the threshold once again, Naru's contemplating face was the last thing I had seen as I trailed out of the living room.

His voice was faint, so quiet, I thought I had imagined it at first. I realized after, that I hadn't.

"Is that what you want, Mai? To be friends?"

Honestly, I said. "I don't know."

Then, I truly walked away this time and did not stop until my bedroom door was closed firmly behind me.

^.^