Chapter 25

The alarm went off at eight thirty in the morning and I slapped it twice before turning on the other side and smooshing my head into the pillow. I was so comfortable lying in my favorite mattress dent, the pillow so soft and the blankets so toasty; too bad I wasn't the least bit sleepy. Last night I had the best sleep in a long time. There had been no nightmares, no weird dreams and nothing to constantly cry over, just a nice sense of ... of what exactly? What word could I use to describe how I felt? Comfortable? Accomplished? Safe? Wanted?

I brought the covers over my head and wrapped myself in a dark cocoon. I still couldn't believe I had asked Jacob Black to be my friend, and damn it to hell and back, I knew I was going to beat myself up over it for a long time to come. But what the hell, desperate times called for desperate measures and I was so desperate for company that I'd even considered phasing back, if that wasn't a sign of mental instability, nothing was. Besides, he had been relieved, right? He wanted to be my friend too, he'd said so himself. And he was confused about the whole thing because I had confused him with my kindergarten syndrome. Plus he was right, I was more comfortable around him when we phased rather than when we weren't.

When we were wolves most our thoughts went to finding trails, hunting and coming up with strategies. His thoughts often had trailed to Bella this, Bella that, Nessie ooh-aw, Bella, Bella, Bella. Sure, it bothered me but it also kept my mind busy and away from my own thoughts. When we were human I had no idea what he was thinking about and it annoyed me because here I was drooling over him and I constantly had to ask myself whether he was thinking of the cave mushroom and her nefarious spawn.

Ok, so I knew I couldn't have Jacob Black the way I wanted to have him but that didn't mean I would be happy if someone else had him. It was kind of like that outrageously expensive pair of red croc Jimmi Choo stilettos in the shop window. You wanted them so bad but you knew you couldn't shell out a couple hundred for them. They pinched, scraped, hurt and you had nowhere to wear them to but the moment the blond went and bought them, you wished she'd step onto a cobbled sidewalk and sprain both her ankles.

"Break a leg, Keekee!" I mocked while throwing the covers off me and stepping out from the bed.

Today I had a full day ahead of me and I was very much looking forward to it. Yesterday I'd finally exorcised my head of Sam, gotten my brother some advice, gained a proper friend and achieved major piece of mind. Today a new chapter of my life would begin and I'd get to make my own choices. I was Leah Clearwater, 98.5 F or 36.9 C if you will, degrees of pure awesomeness and ready to go.

* * *

Now it was late afternoon and I sat with Mom and Seth enjoying dinner. It felt so nice to be able to have this moment with them, the contrast between it and coming home to an empty house the day before was startling. Seth wolfed down his meal and seemed in high spirits, so what else was new. I was sure that if they took the kid's hormones and marketed them, we'd have a whole new wave of antidepressants and everybody would simply bounce around with a constant smile splattered on their face. I remembered when Jacob used to be this way.

"Argh, friggin Jake!" I smashed the last peas on the plate between the teeth of my fork.

Constantly in my head, the guy. How long was I going to keep torturing myself this way? I knew the only way to push him out would be to find someone else to take his spot. Hopefully it would happen soon.

"God I want to be sandwiched between his arms again."

And no, I friggin did not just admit that to myself. It was alright to miss his company but it was not alright to be lusting after him. No way. I did miss him though. I'd been seeing him every day for the past four or five days, give or take. Hadn't seen him today though. But it was a Monday, and he did have school. Senior year, he'd soon graduate, if he graduated.

I took my plate to the sink and helped Mom with the dishes while Seth cleared the table. She was off to meet Charlie and Seth was off to do homework with Jess while I was off to, nothing. I was going to be here, stuck by myself, with the t.v. and I refused to sit on that couch. It had offended me with its cushions and its enabling personality.

"Where you going, hon?"

"I'm stuffed, just going for a short walk." I wiped my hands on the dishtowel. "Great dinner, Mom. Thanks." And I gave her a tight hug.

"Are you ok?" she quizzed me.

"I honestly am." I smiled and went into my room to grab a coat and some boots.

Stepping out the back door, I went into the woods behind the house and followed my usual trail. During summer, this place would be stuffed with life and you could barely take a step without having some sort of leaf or branch smack you in the face but now in winter, the view was completely clear and the only thing you had to watch out for was that you didn't step on something rotten that would cause you to slip and fall. I made a sharp right and stepped onto another trail. Had I made a left instead, the road would lead to the beach and the cliffs but this path lead to a small clearing where I sometimes used to lay and stare at the stars above.

I fixed my scarf and tucked my hands deep into my coat pockets as I walked. Probably a bad idea seeing that without any hands to break my fall, if I slipped I'd land ass first into the ground and I'd probably hit my head as well. The air was fresh and crisp as I walked carefully watching where I set my foot when I heard a low rumbling growl behind me. I froze.

The grumbling continued, it was loud and deep, coming from directly behind me. It was as if my heart had decided to abandon ship and my knees felt cold like I'd just knelt on ice. My brain too had bailed out leaving nothing but my guts to consider my options and the possibilities. A growl followed by a menacing snarl brought me back to attention and I slowly removed my hands from the coat pockets and turned around to meet my aggressor: a horse-sized russet wolf crouched in a menacing pose.

"Son of a bitch!" I somehow found my voice buried deep amongst the chicken shit.

Jake just straightened up and let his tongue roll out the side of his mouth.

"YOU SCARED ME, YOU ASSHOLE!" I grabbed the closest object to me and flung it his way. He ducked but the dead branch still bounced off his back while I bent down and picked up another one to throw. "YOU STUPID JERK-OFF, NEVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN!" I flung and missed before turning around and continuing on my way. Jake just tagged along.

Twice I slipped on rotten leaves but managed to keep my balance. I tucked my hands back into the coat pockets and continued walking in search of my clearing. I hadn't been there since forever but when I found it, it remained untouched by the hands of time. The clearing wasn't a meadow per se, it was a tiny patch of grass between a mishap circle of trees and with a boulder on one side. When I'd had my first boyfriend, we used to sneak out here for heavy kissing sessions.

I smiled and sighed at the memory while I lowered myself down and leaned back against the boulder. Jacob silently circled and then plopped down beside me.

"You don't have to do this, you know." I smiled while looking at him. "I'm perfectly fine with you as a person."

He wagged his tail but didn't phase back and instead dragged himself a little closer to me, resting his head on the ground between his huge paws.

"You seem to have this dog thing down." I laughed and rolled my eyes. "You know, we always wanted a dog when we were kids but Dad always refused and Mom always complained that she would not put up with the shedding. It would have been ironic huh, phasing into a giant dog when you've been screaming at your own dog for years."

He remained unmoving except for his eyes which he brought up slightly to look at me and then blinked and looked away.

"A Siberian Husky would have been cool."

Jake lifted his head, scooted closer to me and then surprisingly dropped his head onto my lap. By the time I noticed I was petting his head, I just couldn't bring myself to stop. It was nice having a dog that actually understood when you spoke to it. Whoa. Did I just call Jake my dog? I let out a chuckle and he wagged his tail. This whole thing was beyond weird in every way.

"You know, Jake. Your head is kind of big, even for a horse-sized wolf shape-shifter spirit warrior thing whatever the hell we are." I scratched behind his ears and heard him grunt as he got his head more comfortable on my lap. "You also do kinda smell a bit like wet dog." I chuckled and softly pulled on one of his ears and he let out a snort sound.

I sighed and looked up at the gray sky while I petted my wolf man-dog. Yes, MY, because right now it was just me and him in the winter silence. It was turning colder now but I remained nice and warm as I combed my fingers between Jake's red course fur. Funny how I was apprehensive of touching Jake when he was a person but have him morph into a furry creature and I was all over him. It was such a girly reaction too. Anything appearing soft and furry automatically got petted.

"So, I got a job today." I moved my hand further down his head onto his neck and back. "I start as hostess tomorrow at Michael's Seafood and Steakhouse in Port Angeles. Shift starts a little before four in the afternoon and I get out before eleven at night. It's only three days a week, but it's a start and Mom is going to let me borrow her car until I get one of my own."

Jake wagged his tail and let out a yip before turning on his side. I now had access to the bottom of his muzzle even though he was facing away from me and I moved my fingers up and down the soft, downy fur there.

"I also enrolled in Peninsula College. Taking two classes, Math and Biology because I don't know what I want to study yet. Keeping my options open, you know?" God, how was it that he could be so soft? It wasn't like he brushed and conditioned. The image of mini-leech brushing his hair crept into my mind and now I did not feel like petting Jake anymore so I removed my hand and crossed it over my chest. No, I did not want to share Jake. Not even with a bloodsucking toddler or whatever she was now. I couldn't keep up with the hybrid's growth spurts and stages nor did I give a damn.

"Anyway, I only have to go there two times a week and it will be on the same days I work, meaning I'll be saving myself a couple trips. They have automotive classes too, did you know? Just in case you actually manage to graduate this year and want to do something..." Jake lifted his head and let out a sigh before plopping his giant head back onto my lap and rubbing it up and down. I looked down at him and scrunched my eyebrows together. What the hell was he doing?

Once again he lifted his head and this time he rubbed his snout into my arms with a sort of whine. "What's that, Lassie? Timmy fell down a well?" I mock asked and he lifted his paw and laid it on my lap before dropping his head. Maybe he wanted to be petted? I dropped my hand on his head and he wagged his tail. Once again, this was beyond weird and since I didn't feel like talking anymore, I just sat there and laced my fingers through his fur over and over again. Surprisingly, he didn't shed.

I remained in a trance-like state for what must have been hours. A huge drop of icy cold water landed square on my nose and brought me back to reality. By the time I came to, it was already getting dark and I could barely see. Far from being turned off by this new change in me, I was actually excited. I was one more step closer to being a normal person. What had been a single drop of water on my nose, suddenly turned into an assault of icy proportions that I was not physically prepared for.

The rain picked up and I wondered how the hell I was going to make it back home now but I didn't even have time to form the question when Jake was up and on all fours yipping and looking my way.

"God, Jake. I can't understand whatever the hell you're trying to say." I groaned standing up and hugging the coat tighter around me.

He lowered his front end and lifted his butt in the air and I still had no clue what in heaven's name he wanted. "What, you're stretching your back? It hurts? You want to play fetch? I don't get it!" I began walking out of the clearing and into the trees where it was suddenly very dark. Next to me, Jake whined and yipped and it was getting annoying.

"Look, you might as well phase and talk because this just isn't working." I groaned and Jake slammed his shoulder into me and viciously knocked me out from my feet and onto his back. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!" I slapped him twice before regaining my stance on solid ground.

Once again, he slammed into me and I ended up sprawled across his back. He turned to me with his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth and wagged his tail.

"You've got to be kidding me." I moaned straightening myself up and planting my feet on the ground. The icy rain was picking up again and hard granules started whacking me on the face.

Jake whined.

"No." I fixed my scarf and rearranged my coat. "NO! No way, Jose! I am not going back home riding on your back! Just lead me along like a guide dog or something."

I wrapped my fingers over a bunch of his fur and made way but unfortunately, when you can't see where you're going, you can't see what your obstacles are and I tripped. Having had enough of my stubbornness, Jake slammed into me again and growled.

"Fine!" I let out an exasperated sigh and he dropped onto his belly while I lifted my leg and crawled over him. "This has got to be on the top ten list of weird shit I've done in my life." I moaned and he let out a bark. "Jerk." I could feel his butt move under me as he wagged his tail. "If you tell anyone about this, I'll have you neutered."

Jake yipped and began a soft strut down the path back to my house as I straddled him and wrapped my arms around his neck.

Leah Clearwater, 98.5 F or 36.9 C if you will, degrees of pure awesomeness, riding bare wolf-back down the forest.

Hi! Still sick. I'll spare you all the gross details. Just be glad you can't hear me cough!

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