Chapter XXIV
Within seconds, the formerly orderly kitchen is in turmoil.
Jane rushes to embrace a red-faced Harriet. Howard and Jonathan are on their feet, shouting and clapping Jeff on the back. Mrs Bertram has dropped her spoon into her bowl, her face a round oval of surprise and her apron splattered with tiny specks of soup. Maud and Beth try in vain to hide their giggling, and Mrs Seymour is rising from her seat while Mr Moore tries very hard to make his booming voice heard over the general uproar.
Kurt keeps his eyes on Nick the entire time. The footman's cheeks are pale, but within seconds he manages to hide the pained look in his eyes behind a neutral smile and a blank expression.
"What is the meaning of this, Jeffrey?" Mr Moore finally shouts loud enough for everyone to hear. "I demand an explanation."
"I apologise, Mr Moore," Jeff says, scratching the back of his head with a sheepish expression. "It's just that we didn't want to say anything before we had our parents' blessing, and the letter only just arrived this morning."
The creases on Mr Moore's forehead lessen just the tiniest bit. "You informed your parents about your intentions?"
"Yes, Mr Moore," Harriet chimes in. "They approve of our engagement. Jeffrey's oldest brother has work for us in his shop in Dublin. We were planning on leaving in four weeks, shortly before you all leave for the London season."
Kurt sees Nick close his eyes for the briefest of moments, and has the strongest desire to reach out across the table, but Jeff's voice mercilessly continues, "We are very thankful for everything, Mr Moore. But you yourself said it many times: I'm not cut out to be a footman. I make far too many mistakes." Mirror smiles appear on the faces of Mrs Seymour and Mrs Bertram. "And my brother truly needs our help back at home. He even offered to pay for the journey." Jeff's gaze darts across the room, lingering on Kurt and Nick, "We will miss all of you terribly. But we believe this is the right decision for us, and who knows whether there'll be another opportunity like this."
Mr Moore is evidently at a loss for words, and looks across the table to Mrs Seymour, who smiles at him and shrugs a little. Mrs Bertram too is beaming at the two young servants, holding her clasped hands in front of her heart. "Well, in this case," Mr Moore says slowly, his stern gaze never faltering, "…I believe congratulations are in order."
And congratulations follow. Everyone rushes to embrace or shake the hands of the newly engaged couple. Mrs Bertram, under loud exclamations of joy, moves to the pantry to get some treats for everyone, and Mr Moore even vanishes to the wine cellar.
Nick and Kurt are among the last ones who cross the room to congratulate the couple. Nick hugs Harriet and whispers something in her ear that Kurt can't hear, but that makes the young girl smile brightly. Kurt follows his example, and manages to utter some meaningless but kind phrases of good wishes, before he moves to stand next to Nick and Jeff. The blond footman looks torn between elation and guilty conscience. "Are you mad at me?" he asks. "I'd be mad at me. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but Adam's offer came so suddenly, and I really didn't think my father would approve of all this; he always says I'm too young for everything. I was flabbergasted when I read his letter this morning. Well, happy too, I guess, but mostly surprised. And I hated that I couldn't tell you anything about me and Harriet before…"
"Jeff," Nick interrupts by grabbing his shoulder gently. "It's quite alright. We knew it was only a matter of time."
Jeff has the audacity to look bemused. "You did? But how…"
"You kept talking about the sunlight in Harriet's hair," Nick scoffs. "I'm sorry my friend, but you were very obvious about your intentions." He pauses, before he adds more quietly, "I just didn't expect you to be leaving so soon."
Jeff nods slowly, his expression sad. "I know. I'm grateful for the opportunity to work close to home, of course, and it will be grand to be with my family again, but…" He clears his throat awkwardly, before he adds, "I will miss you."
"And we will miss you," Nick replies. His grip on Jeff's shoulder tightens just a bit, and he looks away, blinking. Kurt quickly asks, "Do you truly have to leave in four weeks?"
"Perhaps even sooner," Harriet says. She too looks more sad than happy at this prospect. "We'll have to wait for the next letter from Jeff's brother, but since he's paying for the journey, we hardly have any say in the matter."
Jeff nods. He tries to say something, but is cut off by Nick pulling him into a rough embrace. This time, Kurt hears what Nick whispers into the other man's ear, "Promise me you'll be happy."
Kurt can't see Nick's expression, but he sees Jeff trying to blink the tears from his eyes as he holds Nick almost as tightly as the other man is holding him, and replies, "I promise."
The rest of the evening is a big blur of celebration. Everyone toasts to the couple, Mrs Bertram tells the teary-eyed tale of her engagement as a young girl, which came to naught as her betrothed died of some terrible disease, Howard and Jonathan persuade Mr Moore to sing some celebratory songs with them, and Harriet and Jeff laugh and sing along, their arms intertwined and their faces alight with happiness.
Kurt's stomach feels like ice. While he's both happy for them and sad about their imminent departure, neither feeling is as strong as his concern for Nick, who tries his best to smile along with the others, but whose fingers hold onto his glass so tightly Kurt is afraid he'll hear the sound of breaking glass every second. Kurt has tried to talk to him quietly, to ask whether he's alright, but both times Nick has either silenced his attempts with a pleading look, or wordlessly walked away.
"You don't seem to be in the mood for celebration tonight," a soft voice next to Kurt interrupts his thoughts, and Jane sits down next to him, handing him a glass of wine, which, judging by its colour, has been severely watered down.
"What? No, I'm…" Kurt protests, "I'm happy for them." Jane raises her left eyebrow sceptically and reaches out to tap her index finger against the apparent frown between Kurt's eyebrows, "Then why are you looking anything but happy?"
"It's just…" Kurt hesitates, carefully phrasing his excuses, "It's been a bit of a surprise. We all knew about their feelings, but nevertheless… they're still so young. And it's sad that they'll be leaving to soon."
"It is," Jane agrees. "It will be quiet without them." She raises her glass to her lips and takes a long sip. "Still, I think there's one person who takes the news even harder than you do." She nods to the other side of the kitchen, where Nick is leaning against the sink, his gaze directed at the content of his glass. His expression is hard to decipher, or so Kurt hopes when he sees Jane's piercing gaze directed at the other footman.
"Of course he's sad," Kurt hurries to explain. "After all, Jeff is his best friend… it must hurt to lose him."
"Hm-mh," is Jane's only reply. Kurt feels a cold shiver running down his spine when he sees her intelligent eyes watching Nick, but after what feels like an eternity, she finally returns her attention to her now empty glass. "I'll get another one of those," she says, a light grin on her lips as she swings her legs over the bench. "I doubt Mr Moore will allow any of this again any time soon."
Kurt is relieved to see her go. He loves Jane like a sister, but sometimes her observant nature is more a curse than a blessing. Kurt sighs and reaches for his own glass, draining it in one go.
When he looks to the other side of kitchen, Nick has vanished.
It's Pilot who finds Nick.
While waiting for an opportunity to slip away from the festivities unnoticed, Kurt spends long minutes trying on inch towards the door inconspicuously, with little success. Jeff keeps pulling him into sideway hugs, Jonathan and Howard sing a song about newlyweds that has Maud and Beth covering their ears with scandalised expressions and Mrs Bertram chasing them around the table and threatening to whack them over the heads with her largest wooden spoon. Mr Moore tries desperately to put some restraint and order back into the chaos; but without the help from Mrs Seymour, who is deep into a whispered discussion with Harriet, his efforts remain futile. Kurt isn't sure whether any of them actually notices Nick's absence – not even Jane, who is laughing along with Maud and Beth.
Finally, Kurt sees Pilot scratching the door with his paw. "Let the poor thing out for a moment, will you, Kurt?" Mrs Seymour asks, looking up from her conversation with the housemaid, and Kurt is more than happy to oblige.
He lets the dog into the courtyard for a few minutes, leaning against the sturdy doorframe and breathing in the cold night air while Pilot runs to the stables and back again, happily chasing his own tail. When he finally calls Pilot back inside, the dog seems in no hurry to return to the crowded kitchen. Instead, he looks at Kurt, tail wagging expectantly.
"Do you want to help me looking for Nick?" Kurt asks, lighting one of the spare candles. Pilot naturally makes no reply, but he follows Kurt as he tiptoes past the kitchen door and into the dark corridor. They search the servants' quarters first, then the storerooms, the hall, the library and the music room. Nick is nowhere to be found, and Kurt is almost afraid that he has run off into the night, when Pilot suddenly starts wagging his tail and jumps towards the staircase leading up to the attic. Kurt follows hesitantly, not completely trusting the dog's instincts; for he cannot image what Nick should be doing up here. Flight after flight of stairs they ascend, and when they reach the top, the light of Kurt's candle falls on a figure leaning against the small window overlooking the rose garden.
"Nick," Kurt hisses, feeling equally relieved and concerned. "What are you doing here?"
Nick doesn't look at him. His face is pale in the moonlight, and he doesn't acknowledge Pilot, who nudges his legs affectionately. Kurt sets down the candle on a small chest of drawers crammed into a nook, and walks towards his friend. He gently touches Nick's elbow, nudging the other man to slightly turn around.
"I couldn't…" Nick finally says, and his voice is hoarse with suppressed emotion. He is still not looking at Kurt. "I just couldn't stay there."
Kurt nods, his hands holding onto Nick's, in vain trying to warm his cold fingers.
"I…" Nick continues, and draws in a deep breath, "I know he's happy. And that's good. That's what I want for him, but…"
His eyes meet Kurt's, and there is so much pain there that Kurt has to blink back tears.
Suddenly, there's a loud creak in the darkness behind them. Kurt flinches and twirls around, his heart pounding in his ears. There's another dim light down the staircase, swaying and swiftly approaching.
"Nick," Kurt whispers, and yelps as, suddenly, Pilot presses past his legs to run to the top of the staircase, his tail wagging excitedly. One moment later, a candle appears, followed by a familiar head, and Kurt lets out a sigh of relief when he realises who has discovered them.
"What in the name of all that's holy are two doing up here, at this ungodly time of night?" Sebastian says when he arrives at the top of the stair. He leans down to briefly pet Pilot's fur.
"We could ask you the same thing," Kurt hisses, his heart still beating fast, "What are you doing here?"
"I saw a light upstairs, and I figured if someone wanted to rob me I'd best introduce myself to the unexpected guest," Sebastian says. Kurt only now notices the pistol he has in his other hand. "Just be glad I didn't decide to wake up the whole house first."
"Why are you even walking around the house at this time of night? Why aren't you asleep like a normal person?" Kurt asks.
Sebastian straightens, and his expression morphs into a familiar expression of amused arrogance. "It may have escaped your notice, Kurt, but this estate belongs to me. If I feel like dancing naked through the corridors at three in the morning, I'd like to see you try to stop me." His gaze falls on the unresponsive figure of Nick, and his brow furrows in confusion. "Is everything alright? Nick?"
Kurt glances back at Nick, who hasn't moved from his spot at the window, his gaze now directed at the floorboards. His downturned face doesn't hide its pale colour, or the expression indicating great distress.
"Nick?" Sebastian asks again. His voice is soft this time, softer than Kurt has ever heard it before. "What happened?" He deposits the pistol and his candle next to Kurt's and walks towards his best friend, carefully holding onto Kurt's shoulders when he moves past him in order not to upset the other man's balance in the already cramped space. Kurt doubts he even notices what he's doing, so focussed is he on Nick's expression. Nick, however, remains silent, and after a couple of seconds Sebastian looks at Kurt, his gaze concerned and helpless.
"Jeff got engaged," Kurt says. Nick's posture grows a little more rigid at his words, and Sebastian's mouth drops open in surprise, "What?"
"They announced it tonight."
"I'll tell Mr Moore to dismiss him immediately," Sebastian says, his expression darkening quickly. "Engaged to whom?"
"Harriet," Kurt replies.
"I'll throw her out too then."
"You'll do no such thing," Nick interrupts them. He is still not looking at either of them.
Sebastian hesitates for a long moment, his hand hovering uncertainly over Nick's shoulder, before he begins, "Nick…"
This time, Nick's gaze meets Sebastian's gaze. "I know," he says, and his voice breaks at the last syllable. Sebastian reaches out for him, almost instinctively, but Nick takes a step back.
"I can't…", he says, his gaze darting back and forth between Sebastian and Kurt. "I'm sorry. I know you worry, but could you… I just need to be alone right now." He looks at them in silent apology before he hurries past Kurt, down the stairs and into the dark house.
Kurt's first impulse is to race after him, but a firm hand on his shoulder stops him. "Leave him," Sebastian says. "He needs time. And he doesn't like to share his feelings when he's upset."
"I don't want him to be alone right now," Kurt replies, thinking about Nick in the dark, silent, empty corridors of the huge estate.
"He's not alone. And he knows that." Kurt's eyes meet Sebastian's in the dim candlelight, and he holds his gaze for a moment before he nods slowly. Suddenly, he's relieved and thankful that Sebastian is here with him.
"This is such a mess," he says, leaning heavily against the dark wood of the windowsill.
"Yes," Sebastian says. "Are you sure I shouldn't kick them out?"
"You don't mean that," Kurt says, looking up into Sebastian's face. There's a turmoil of emotion: grief, anger, and most of all, helplessness. Or maybe it isn't what Kurt reads in his face. Maybe it's just a projection of what he himself is feeling at this moment.
"No, I suppose I don't", Sebastian sighs, slowly rubbing over his forehead with his right hand. "It's not their fault. But I hate this. I mean, from what I gathered during the last weeks this isn't really a surprise, but still…"
"I know," Kurt replies. "I hate to see Nick like this. I just wish…" He pauses, unsure what exactly he is wishing for.
Sebastian looks at him for a long moment, before he quietly says, "It's never easy to be unlucky in love."
Luck. Kurt has never thought about it like this before, but when he looks at Sebastian, something suddenly falls into perspective. No matter what happened between them, no matter what the future will hold for either of them: Kurt suddenly and almost violently realises just how rare it is to have what they have. To find someone, another man, who actually reciprocates their feelings, to have at least the chance to try, to succeed or to fail. It's a chance Nick doesn't have and never will have, not with Jeff, Kurt realises with jolt that feels like ice water and leaves something numb inside of him.
It's just now that he notices that Sebastian's hand is still on his shoulder, its weight warm through the white cotton of Kurt's shirt and the dark velvet of his vest. Following Kurt's gaze, Sebastian drops his hand almost immediately, and flexes his fingers awkwardly.
"I apologise," he says, a sheepish smile on his face. "I shouldn't have… Ah… I know we established boundaries."
Kurt sighs, suddenly feeling very tired. "We did. But tonight, the boundaries feel a little off, don't you think?"
His gaze meets Sebastian's, and this time, neither of them looks away for a long moment. It's Sebastian who finally clears his throat and says, "I should probably go after him in a while, just to see where he ran off to. After all, I know all his favourite hiding places."
"And I should go back to the kitchen," Kurt says, and it's only when the words leave his mouth that he realises what he has just said. "Oh Lord. I need to go back. Everyone will wonder where I ran off to. And why Nick and I left in the first place."
Sebastian, quickly realising the danger of the situation, curses eloquently and quietly, before he asks, "Can you think of an plausible explanation for your absence?"
"For us to miss our best friend's engagement celebration?" Kurt scoffs. He remembers Jane's scrutinising stare. "Not one that will sound convincing."
"You could say that Nick wasn't feeling well, and that you went to check on him. Or…" Sebastian stares into the candlelight for a long moment, his fingers tugging at the hair reaching his neck, which is definitely getting to long.
"You have to go to my bedroom," he says, slowly, and blinks when he notices Kurt's incredulous expression. Kurt can't remember to have ever seen Sebastian blush like this before, but there is dust of red on his cheeks when he realises the implication of his statement and hastily adds, "No, I mean… you have to pack some of my clothes. Evening and walking attire, no hunting dress, and enough for a week. Take one of the smaller trunks."
"Yes… but, why?" Kurt asks.
"To have an explanation," Sebastian says. "Afterwards, return to the kitchen. Tell Mr Moore that you met me in the corridor. Tell him… tell him the bell in my room is broken, and I went looking for one of you. I'll cut the robe myself later. Tell him I have to leave for Bath tomorrow morning. Early tomorrow morning. On… on some matter of business. Urgent business. Tell him I asked you and Nick to pack, and tell him I requested Nick to accompany me. Then go to his room and pack his things. No, better do that before you go and tell Mr Moore."
Kurt contemplates this plan for a moment. It's good, much better than anything Kurt could have thought of. Because even though the friendship between Nick and Sebastian has certainly not escaped Mr Moore, he would never doubt his employer's word the same way he might doubt Kurt's excuses. "And what should I tell him is the reason you decided that you suddenly have to leave for Bath in the middle of the night?"
Sebastian smiles dryly, "That's the beauty of being rich, Kurt. You don't need a reason for being eccentric."
"I suppose an eccentric employer is better than a footman who can't stand to hear the news of his best friend's engagement," Kurt says, the lump in his stomach feeling heavy again.
"Sadly, it is," is all that Sebastian replies. The silence that follows is heavy, but not uncomfortable. Finally, Sebastian lifts his left hand to Kurt's temple, and briefly hesitates, giving Kurt every opportunity to move away. When Kurt merely continues to look at him, he brushes a strand of hair out of Kurt's eyes, his fingers gently cupping the side of Kurt's face while his thumb moves over his temple. They remain like this for a few moments, before Sebastian draws back his hand and says, "You'd better hurry."
His voice sounds strange, and Kurt doesn't trust his own voice either, so he just nods. They walk down the stairs in silence, and only when they reach the door where they have to part Kurt finds his voice again and says, "Sebastian?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you."
"Funny," Sebastian says, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "That's what I just wanted to tell you too." And without a backward glance, he hurries down the corridor, leaving Kurt in the dim light of his candle.