The Repercussions of Lies
Chapter 25
Ianto spent his days walking around the garden, building his strengthen and having numerous sessions with the psychologist working through his guilt and blame that he bestowed on to himself.
His earlier sessions were more to establish why he sought out masochism, later sessions to work out whether Ianto's type of 'therapy' worked. "Okay we have established that you don't gain any pleasure from the pain and injuries that you sustained", Dr Crickton said, "but tell me, how did you feel after?"
"I….. it's really hard to put into words but I would feel lighter, as the guilt of not breaking thought the retcon, of letting my girlfriend down, of loving a man who deceived me, would leave me a little at a time" Ianto said.
"Did you think that you may be destroying yourself that with each time a bit of yourself was being lost with each session?" the doctor stated.
"No doc….my pain was nothing to what my girlfriend would have suffered and for allowing myself to selfishly have her continue to exist in that metallic body, I needed to be punished" Ianto said with conviction.
"Did you think that being in pain and being hurt would bring your girlfriend back?"
"No doc, I was in no illusion that would bring Lisa back, but I needed to be punished for allowing it to happen" Ianto said sadly.
After several days Dr Crickton felt that the punishment that Ianto put himself through was also due to the love that he felt for someone who could have decided his girlfriend's fate and the culpability associated with that was what was feeding Ianto's guilt.
"He would have killed her, it's what he needs to do, eliminate threats to the world, Lisa would have been a threat" Ianto stated.
"So giving you the retcon would not have made a difference in the end result of the death of your girlfriend?" Dr Crickton asked.
"No, …..but I would have made the difference to me" Ianto said sadly.
"How?"
"It should have been me that decided her fate, I should have realised that she had already died that day, that awful day at Canary Wharf, I should have let her go then" Ianto said sadly.
"But Jack, took away that choice?"
"Yes"
"And what do you think of that?"
"I hate him for it" Ianto said with no malice.
"Did you tell him that?"
"No"
"So why did you punish yourself?"
"Because I loved him"
TWTWTWTWTW
After eleven days, Ianto asked to see Jack. This was greeted with relief and jubilation from Jack then suddenly he thought what if he wants to see him one last time to tell him good bye.
"Tosh what if this is good bye, what if Ianto doesn't want to come back to me, what if he doesn't even want to come back to Torchwood"
"Well Jack, you have to face and respect whatever decision he makes" Tosh said then added cautiously, "you need to do that calmly, can you do that?"
Taking a deep breath Jack said, "Yes" nodding his head, trying to reassure her that he wouldn't stuff up this time.
"Do you want me to come with you?"
"No, apparently he asked for just me" Jack said, "That's good, yeah?"
"Yes" Tosh said convincingly although she did not feel convinced herself but it would serve no purpose to alarm Jack with her thoughts.
TWTWTWTWTW
Jack sat in the garden waiting for Ianto to come out, when he did, Jack's eyes sparkled and he breathed a sigh of relief, believing that Ianto would change his mind and not come out and talk with him.
"Jack" a healthier looking Ianto said, smiling a little, "I'm glad you came"
"Are you kidding me, I wanted to see you every day since we found you" Jack said slightly amused.
"Yes I know, sorry I wasn't ready to talk to you again, I needed to talk to the doctors here about my feelings" Ianto explained.
"And how are you now?" Jack asked cautiously, "has it helped?"
"Yes, it has helped" Ianto said, "I'm feeling so much better now"
"So you don't blame yourself anymore?" Jack asked expectedly.
"It's not that simple, there will always be that element of blame that I must accept but I'm okay with that" Ianto said.
"And my part?" Jack asked tentatively, "do you still feel…. badly of me?"
"We all played a part in this" Ianto said, "but I forgive you, I don't blame you"
Jack could feel his eyes welling up and swallowed to stop the flow that were threatening to be released from his eyes. He gazed at Ianto with admiration in his eyes and once he felt he was in control he said, "Thank you" genuinely, if Ianto doesn't come back to him at least he will know that Ianto doesn't hate him.
"Jack? Twelve days ago I asked you why you first visited me in hospital and you said that you felt something special" Ianto said cautiously.
"Yes, you are still something special, always will be" Jack said smiling.
"And then you said I took you by surprise, what did you mean by that?" Ianto asked curiously.
Taking hold of Ianto's hands Jack looked into the blue grey orbs of Ianto's eyes, almost scared to say what he meant by that comment but he wanted Ianto to know, "You took my heart, for once in my life I felt safe to love someone…. I love you Ianto Jones"
Ianto smiled at him, really smiled at him, Jack's heart skipped a beat, he would die a thousand times gladly to be able to see Ianto smile like that, and that smile was for him.
"Ianto?" Jack asked hestatively.
"Yes?" Ianto said staring into Jack's eyes.
"I'm going to kiss you now, if that is okay?" Jack asked, his heart beating rapidly in his chest.
"Yes that is definitely okay" Ianto said laughing.
Closing the space between them Jack reached out to Ianto, wrapping him up in his arms and kissed him with all of his being. Jack's heart soared as Ianto responded with the same intensity and love. Breaking apart when they could no longer breathe, Ianto gazed at Jack with love and holding his hand in his, he said, "Jack is that offer of work at Torchwood Cardiff still on the cards"
A/N: Sorry short chapter but bath in the joy that our two boys are back together again, yes some people would accuse me of happy endings but I like happy endings, in real life there are so many sad endings, so if I can escape in fiction to create my happy endings then that is what I will do. If that is not okay with you then I'm sorry.
A/N: There is one more chapter, this to just to wrap things up and tie it altogether.