Disclaimer: I do not own anything publicly recognisable. Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer and real people belong to themselves.
Chapter 25: BPOV
Normally, it takes about three seconds to knock on a door. You just hit your knuckles against the hard, wooden surface repeatedly to make a sort of pounding noise. The sound transmits through the door, travels through the air and whoever is on the other side hears it and knows someone is waiting on the other side for entry. I, however, seemed to be having some sort of weird aversion to making my hand connect with the rectangular structure in front of me. I had been standing in front of the green door for the past five minutes – far longer than it should have taken to knock – and still I wasn't making any headway with the whole making my presence known part. I was extremely nervous. No, perhaps didn't quite convey the ball of tension that was currently my inner organs. When I was nervous I bit my lip and couldn't seem to keep my hand still. Now, I could feel my heart pounding against my chest and my palms starting to sweat and I seriously thought about turning around and just going back without doing what it was I had actually come to do. He probably wouldn't want to come anyway. I had asked him several times during the past four days to join us, but he had always declined for the same reason; he didn't want to intrude on the time that we had together. He wouldn't exactly say yes now when it was her last night in the city. Still, I felt as if this meeting was something that needed to happen and I didn't want to prolong it. Edward was a huge part of what had prompted me to write my mother the letter that had brought her to my doorstep on Sunday night and I thought it was only right for me to share this with him. I pushed back the little voice in my head that told me there was another reason I wanted my Mom and Edward to meet because even though I had acknowledged those particular thoughts of Edward, I didn't want them to colour this. This wasn't something I was doing because I was hopelessly and recklessly attracted to Edward; this was something I was doing because he was my friend and he was important to me, so he should meet someone else important in my life; like I had met so many important people in his.
It was amazing that I could be doing this at all. I would have laughed darkly at anyone who had told me a week ago that I would be inviting Edward to dinner with my mother and I; I would have laughed and then turned around and probably cried in the privacy of my own apartment, knowing it would never be possible. However, apparently, not only was it possible, but it was an actual reality. The past few days with my Mom had been surreal and sometimes I actually had to pinch myself to make sure that this wasn't some incredibly realistic, cruel dream. Not that it had been all smooth sailing since she arrived; in fact our first real conversation after she arrived was the most difficult I'd ever had with anyone – my goodbye with Jacob included.
*
I was sitting opposite of my mother, feeling the tension settle all around us, almost thick enough to make my breathing a little harder than usual. We had been silent since I offered her a drink and she refused it. I wanted to say so many things to her, but didn't even know where to start and maybe she was having the same problem because there was a storm of emotions in her hazel eyes and yet she was barely moving. If I hadn't been able to see Renee's chest moving up and down, I would have thought she'd been turned into stone. Still, it wasn't as if I was doing any better. My problem, however, wasn't being too still, but rather trying to keep still at all. It took a lot of concentration for me to not get up and start walking around the room, or reach for a cigarette. I didn't think my mother would be ecstatic with me lighting up in front of her when she detested the habit.
I wracked my brain for something to say – anything in fact. I thought about asking her how everything was back in LA, how her flight was, where she was staying. I thought about asking her a million different questions, but the only one I really wanted to ask was the one I didn't have the courage to bring up; why was she here?
"You must be wondering why I'm in New York." Did I say what I was thinking out loud or had my mother acquired the ability to read minds?
I nodded my head, too surprised at the fact that she'd basically plucked the words from my head to be able to utter actual words. I looked to her just in time to find my Mom turning her own head to look out of the window to my right.
"I got your letter," she informed me, still not actually looking in my direction. I nodded again, wondering whether she could even see the movement. "I'm sorry I didn't write back," she continued. "I didn't really know what to say."
"It's...I understand," I told her. I wanted to confess that I'd had a hard time writing the letter myself. I wanted to tell her that I spent days contemplating what to say and I'd started it more times than I could count. However, I didn't want to make the conversation about me because I wanted to know what my Mom was thinking; I wanted to know specifically what had brought her 3,000 miles to my doorstep.
There was silence again and I squirmed in my seat. I wanted to know what my mother was thinking, what she expected by coming here. I wanted to know what she wanted me to say, what she wanted me to tell her. What I wanted most of all was the ability to see the future and then I could see whether this worked out the way I wanted it to or whether it was going to break both of us completely.
"I thought it would be easier to see you and have a conversation face to face, but I got that wrong," my mother admitted. "I feel like I don't know what to say to you Bella. Do I tell you exactly how much it hurt hearing those words come out of your mouth all those years ago? Do I tell you it felt like someone had put a knife in my chest to see you want to become someone your Dad and I always taught you better than to want to emulate?"
Renee had turned her head towards me and I wish that she hadn't. I knew that I'd hurt her beyond what I could probably comprehend, but seeing the anguish in her eyes; witnessing the feelings of betrayal for myself was a completely different story. I could feel the tears gather in my eyes, but I don't think I was crying them for myself. Yes, I felt guilty and yes I wish to god I could take it back or say something to make my Mom forget, but more than anything, I really understood her hurt.
"I don't want to rehash the past Bella," Renee told me, her voice cracking. "I don't want to keep living in the shadow of what happened back then, but I don't know how to move past it. I don't know how to get back what we had because I don't know where the hell I went wrong."
I shook my head vigorously. "You didn't," I argued. "Mom, you didn't do anything wrong. It wasn't you. I was stupid and I was so caught up in everything that for a moment, I completely forgot who I was. I just wanted so badly to fit in; to be like everyone else and be part of the crowd."
Slowly, my mother turned to face me and I could see the tears running down her cheeks. I was slightly desperate for her to understand that this had nothing to do with how she and my father raised me; they had done everything right. My parents had always taught me to value the important things and to know my own mind, but when you're just 15 and had never really belonged anywhere other than with your family, the chance to be part of a collective was tempting. It was a shitty excuse and it didn't give me a right to act the way that I did, but my Mom had to see that this had never been because she did a poor job of raising me; it was just that I made a poor job of reflecting that.
I took a deep breath in, trying to stop myself from sobbing even though there was no controlling the leaking coming from my eyes. "Mom, I wish I could go back and tell myself back then that being part of the crowd is only worthwhile if the crowd is a bunch of people that respect who you are already, not who they want you to become. I wish I could undo it all so that I didn't have to hurt you, but I can't." I paused for a moment to ensure that I could still talk over the lump in my throat. My mother's gaze never left me. "All I can do is tell you how sorry I am and prove to you that I do love you and respect you. I know I didn't show it then and I may not have shown it much in the past three years, but I have always valued your presence and guidance in my life."
I was crying in earnest now and had to break off to gather myself once more. Renee too, was crying much harder than she had been and she looked away from me for the first time in quite a while to wipe her eyes dry.
"Bella, I want us to be able to get back what we lost," my mother said after a few minutes where the only noise in the apartment was the two of us sniffling quietly into a couple of tissues. "But...I don't know how we're going to get there and I don't know how long it's going to take. There's been so much damage Bella," she said. "Probably on both our parts." I shook my head to argue with her about her role in the whole mess, but she put up a hand to stop me from speaking.
"I know you're going to try and absolve me of my part in the years we've spent estranged from each other, but don't. If you weren't feeling so guilty I think you'd recognise the fact that I haven't dealt with everything in the best way – in the way that I should have." My Mom shook her head and there was an expression on her face that I recognised immediately; shame. "I was so hurt by you and by the idea that not only did you not need me in your life anymore, but you didn't even want me there. I was hurt and I just...I closed you off instead of talking to you like I should have."
"I may not have failed you as a mother when I was trying to instil values in you, but I sure as hell failed you as one these past few years." Renee stopped and inhaled slowly, deeply, trying to find a way to continue instead of letting the emotions overwhelm her. I could empathise. "I want so desperately to find our way back Bella, but I don't even know if it's possible."
I nodded again for the umpteenth time during the conversation. I didn't have any words to say and even if I did, I would never get them out of my mouth without sobbing uncontrollably first. I was distraught at the idea of never really having my Mom back even though we both wanted to regain the relationship that had been severed so thoughtlessly years before. It was a relief that she even wanted to try and get back what we had, but the possibility of not being able to was enough to make me feel physically sick. I hadn't expected an easy ride. I didn't think that we'd shed a few tears, share a few home truths and everything would be fine, but I hadn't really understood the emotional battlefield that we were going to cross. Now that I did; I just hoped to god that we'd both cross it together and stronger than when we'd started.
*
I shook myself out of the rather depressing thoughts swarming around my mind because Renee and I had certainly come a long way since that first conversation and though things were still a little tentative and not nearly like what they used to be between us, being able to invite a friend of mine to dinner with her was definitely a positive development. I couldn't stop the small smile tugging at my lips and before I could second guess myself (for the tenth time since getting here), my knuckles finally made contact with the wooden structure and a noise reverberated down the relatively quiet hallway.
"Come in," Edward's familiar voice invited from what sounded to be quite far away.
I opened the door to find that Edward wasn't anywhere that I could readily see. "Edward?" I asked, walking further into the apartment and peering into the kitchen, which was empty.
"Bella?" Edward's voice seemed to be coming from behind his bedroom door.
I answered in the affirmative and wondered what he was doing behind that closed door. My imagination quickly went to scenes where clothes were either being put on or taken off – either way there was plenty of gratuitous Edward nudity flashing through my mind. I shook my head and dragged my inner self out of the gutter that I had sunk into. I really needed to get a handle on this whole Edward situation before I said or did something embarrassing. Well, before I did something embarrassing that other people would be witness to anyway. There had been enough humiliation going around yesterday.
Sue had insisted that we do the scene all the way through from the beginning twice before she finally let us go for the evening and the car ride back to the apartment had been one of the most awkward moments of my life. Edward and I didn't share very many moments where we couldn't look at each other, let alone start a conversation, but yesterday had definitely been one long moment like that. Whenever I looked in Edward's direction, all I could see was the way he lay above me, looking at me like I held his world in my hands; like I had all the answers to questions he hadn't even asked in my eyes. Whenever we would try and say something, all I could hear was the roughness in his tone and yet the gentleness of his words. It was driving me fucking insane and tonight, not only did I want Edward and my Mom to get to know each other, but I needed to spend time with the Edward that was my friend rather than the Edward who was playing the love of my life.
"I'll be out in a second," he informed me, pulling me out of my thoughts. "Just make yourself comfortable."
I chuckled at that. "As if I normally don't?" I was already walking towards his fridge to get myself some juice or something.
I poured a glass and drank slowly, thinking about this whole thing I had for Edward. The thing was, even though I knew that there was something between us beyond friendship and beyond the film, but I couldn't tell just how real or strong that something was because it was mixed up with Kristen's feelings about Robert. It wasn't necessarily that I couldn't separate what my own emotions were from what hers were supposed to be, but I was definitely seeing certain things differently. They always say that if only we walked a mile in someone else's shoes we would have a different view of the world and I was walking more than a mile in Kristen's designer pumps. I sighed heavily; it was like I was suffering from a damn split personality or something.
I heard the door open and saw Edward come out, grey T-shirt clinging tightly to his obviously still wet body and running a towel through his hair. I swallowed and closed my eyes. I seem to be getting put into more and more situations which made me realise that Edward Cullen was an extremely attractive man – and that was a slight understatement. He spotted me, stopped towelling his hair off and smiled warmly.
"Hey, sorry, I just got out of the shower."
"No problem," I replied, taking the last sip of the orange juice I had been musing over. It really wasn't a problem, though now I that I knew he had been in the shower only minutes before I came in, my inner voice chastised me for taking so damn long to actually knock on the door. I wanted to roll my eyes at myself; it wasn't like he was going to invite me to take a shower with him even if I did get there in the same time period he was washing himself. It wasn't like I would have accepted even if he did offer.
"So what's up?" he asked, sitting down opposite from where I was still standing, trying to tone down my thoughts so that they would be more appropriate for 'friends'.
"I just wondered if you had plans for dinner tonight?"
He shook his head.
"Now don't feel like you have to because you've rejected me the past couple of times I've asked this question and crushed me, but I don't suppose you'd have dinner with my Mom and me tonight?"
"Crush you?" Edward said sceptically. "Way to pull the emotional blackmail trick."
I laughed. "Seriously though, the amount of times you've said no to me would give other girls a complex."
"I just don't want to intrude," he repeated for the thousandth time, I was sure. "I know that you and your Mom have a lot of...things you need to deal with and talk about and I don't want to take away from that." I opened my mouth to reassure him that he wouldn't, but Edward just kept talking. "I know how much her being here means to you Bella."
And just like that I got it.
*
My mother had never especially liked Jake. I had always attributed it to what he'd done to her shoes, but now that I thought about it maybe it was more than that. Jake had come into my life at around about the same time that my mother had sort of taken a back seat; it couldn't have been a coincidence that she never took to him. Even my father, who had quizzed Jacob for a good three weeks before he agreed to him taking me out to a dinner and a movie eventually warmed up to him. Sam, who had tried to break Jake's hand on their first meeting, became pretty good friends with him about six months into our relationship. My mother however, barely gave Jacob the time of day.
Whatever her problem was with Jake apparently did not exist with Edward; my mother loved him. She had been a little surprised and probably extremely curious when I showed up back in my apartment with Edward in tow, but as soon as he greeted her with a disarming grin, she was won over – bowled over was probably the more accurate term for it. It was hard to see the Edward who had been anxious about the possibility of annoying my mother with his presence behind the charming demeanour of the man who was now sitting opposite of me telling my Mom stories about his time in Europe. I had heard a few of them before, but there were some tales that he had neglected to mention and in sharing his adventures with us, Edward also got my Mom to open up about her time in Italy; a time that I hadn't known anything about.
"You went to Italy?" I asked, incredulous. "When?"
My mother looked from Edward and to me, her eyebrows knitting in confusion. "Have I never told you about the time I went on an exchange programme?" she questioned.
I shook my head. No, she hadn't. "I could have sworn I've told this story before..."she trailed off as a look of realisation settled in her eyes. "Oh, yeah. I told your brother."
The way that she said that made me quite certain that she was alluding to a time in the not so distant past – like last week perhaps – when the only child she was really sharing anecdotes about her life with was Sam. We looked at each other for a beat, not really knowing what to say to get rid of the tension that had descended upon the table with that rather innocent slip. It just reminded me that however far my Mom and I had come in the last few days, we still had such a long way to go; you couldn't make up three years in four days, no matter how much both parties wanted it that way.
Luckily, Edward was there to move the conversation past the hole that Renee and I had made for ourselves by asking her to continue with her story. I caught his eye and shot him a small smile in thanks; he replied with an easy grin.
"So, originally I had signed up with the dream of finally being able to go to Rome or Milan or somewhere equally as fabulous. I had these visions of me in some very elegant get up, walking down streets with buildings thousands of years old all around me, turning the heads of Italian men with my all-American charm."
I laughed along with her and Edward when she told us of how she imagined her time abroad would be; it sounded very much like a black and white movie from the 1930's. I wondered if that was where Renee had gotten her ideas from; I knew that she loved old movies and it would follow that as a 16 year-old, she would dream of her life being the way her heroines lived it on the silver screen.
"So was it everything you dreamed it would be?" Edward questioned, giving my mother the sort of inquisitive audience she was obviously looking for when retelling this story. I wondered briefly what on earth had led her to recount her tale to my brother.
Renee shook her head, laughing at the memory. "Not quite. Instead of the Italian city glamour that I'd been dreaming about and envisioning, I was sent to a small village somewhere in northern Italy where people barely spoke English and where shopping meant walking two miles to the nearest shop to get the food essentials." She sighed happily at the distant memory; obviously she hadn't been too disappointed in the end if she could look back on the whole thing with humour and wistfulness in her tone that suggested she had some fond recollections.
"Did you stay for the entire duration then?" Edward questioned, far more engaged in the tale than I seemed to be; I was rather content in sitting back and observing the conversation and interaction between them. It was so strange for me to be having dinner with my Mom and a friend of mine; I couldn't remember the last time a scenario like this had happened. Every time Jake came to dinner with my family, the tension around the table was even more palpable than when it was just the four or the three of us. Right now, tension wasn't even an idea in anyone's head. It was...well, it was a very nice feeling.
My Mom nodded her head. "I didn't want to," she admitted. "At first all I could think of was how I could convince my parents to let me come back early, but once I got into the spirit of things, I absolutely loved it. It taught me an awful lot about myself, let me tell you."
Edward voiced his agreement and the rest of the night progressed in pretty much the same way; with the two of them exchanging stories about several things they seemed to have in common whilst I just sat back and soaked up the companionable atmosphere. It was a little strange to see Edward and my Mom getting along so well and I didn't know whether it was because they were both making an extra effort or because they just agreed on a lot of things. The one thing I was very glad that they didn't talk about was childhood stories of me, though I think that may have been intentional on my Mom's part; neither of us were too eager to bring up our shared history it seemed, though there hadn't been a discussion to explicitly say so. Edward and I caught each other's glances a few times from across the table and when he smiled at me, there was something behind his green eyes that made me gulp and look down quickly.
As we neared the end of dinner, Edward excused himself to go to the bathroom and Renee turned to me with a mischievous twinkle in her eye that I sometimes saw staring back at me from a mirror.
"So, Edward seems nice," she started, trying to hide a grin and failing miserably.
I thought I knew where she was going with this, but I didn't want to get into this discussion when Edward could come back at any moment and overhear us. "Yeah, he is," I agreed. "You two certainly seem to be getting on well Mom. Do I need to phone Dad to report on you tonight?"
Renee laughed. "Don't be ridiculous Bella," she admonished. "The boy's young enough to be my son. In fact he's probably the same age as your brother is he not?"
"He's a couple of years older actually," I corrected. "Besides, it's all the rage these days; older women luring younger men. You'd be a bona fide cougar."
My Mom threw her head back in mirth. "Even if I wasn't married and still in love with Charlie, I don't think I'm Edward's type." Renee looked at me steadily and I could feel my cheeks heat under her gaze. "I'd say I'd have to have brown eyes instead of grey and a darker shade of brown hair – longer hair too."
She was obviously referring to me, but before I could say anything, Edward returned to the table to inform us that he'd already taken care of the bill. It was a good job that he'd interrupted us because honestly, I didn't really know what to say. Could I confide in my mother about all my thoughts and feelings about Edward? Would she help me sort through the confusion? Really there was no one better to talk to than Renee now that we had some sort of mother-daughter relationship again. Still, there was a part of me that didn't want to tell anyone for fear that everything would become more real – and by definition, more complicated – when I did. I could admit to myself that something was happening between Edward and I, possibly something that I wasn't ready for, but it was completely different admitting it to someone else.
There was also the very large part of me that felt guilty as hell because technically, technically, I still had a boyfriend; a boyfriend that I still loved and a boyfriend that still loved me. Perhaps I had been too successful in thinking of myself as single when really, I wasn't. I wouldn't be single until either Jake or I really called quits on our relationship, not just announced a pause. What I really needed to do was talk to Jake, but I didn't know what to tell him. Did I want to tell him that I wanted the break to last; that it should be a break-up instead?
And then what? Would I start dating Edward? Would I become the stereotypical Hollywood actress that broke up with her long-term boyfriend for her co-star when it probably wouldn't last beyond the time it took to wrap the film? There was a part of me that didn't really believe that anything with Edward would be short-term, but that part was small because really, I had no idea what was going on in Edward's head. He may be attracted to me, but I'm pretty sure he was attracted to the girl that I saw walking out of his apartment a few weeks ago too.
"Hey," Edward's voice broke me away from my increasingly neurotic thoughts. "Are you okay?"
I shook my head clear. "Yeah," I answered, smiling to put both he and my Mom at ease. "Sorry, I was just lost in thought. Are we all ready to go?"
Both my mother and Edward nodded, following me out of the restaurant and into a balmy night in New York City.
*
I had gotten the morning off work to take my mother to the airport and say goodbye. Sue hadn't been all too happy about it, but she admitted that she didn't really need me for the morning scenes since we had already gone over them earlier on during the rehearsal period. That and I think she was also feeling a little guilty about her absolutely unnecessary and very unprofessional 'talk' with me last week. As I sat in the taxi, I thought back to how strange it was to be taking my Mom to the airport right now, 5 days after she had shown up so unexpectedly at my door. After everything that had transpired between us this past week, it kind of felt like this was the only way that we could have progressed after me writing the letter, but when I woke up on Sunday, it was just about the last thing I expected.
*
I woke up on Sunday morning wondering why my head felt like there was some tribal drum group living within its bony confines. Flashes of the previous day played under my closed eyelids and I was surprised at how many of the scenes had me bringing some alcoholic drink to my mouth. Well, I guess I know why I felt like hell then. Suddenly, another image flashed through my mind and I was sitting bolt upright on the bed, ignoring the fact that my head now felt like it was going to explode because of that movement.
Beer. Wine. Rosalie. Me. Edward.
Oh fuck.
What the hell had I said to Rose? What the hell had I done?
The headache was quickly forgotten as I scrambled to get out of bed, get changed and...and do what exactly? What the hell was I going to say to Rosalie anyway? 'Hey, remember last night when I pretty much let you in on the fact that I may be falling for your best friend, well I was just thinking that you don't mention that to him?' Yeah right. It wasn't like Rose was even my friend. Her loyalties were to Edward alone and I was almost certain that she would want him to know that the pathetic teenager he was sharing screen time with for the movie was crushing on him. That wouldn't be awkward at all, once he knew.
But then again, I hadn't been the only one drinking that night. Rosalie had been disturbingly nice and candid herself, meaning that surely I wasn't the only one who had far too much to drink. Maybe she wouldn't remember anything; certainly not a two minute conversation we had near enough at the end of the night when we'd consumed enough alcohol for a small village to become drunk. Well, okay, maybe not a small village, but certainly a family of adults. If I went to talk to her, I could just be reminding her about something she hadn't really cared enough about to remember and I would be making it into a bigger thing than it was. Well, a bigger thing than maybe she thought it was; it was pretty fucking huge to me already.
I collapsed back onto my bed, my headache now back in full force and apparently bringing help in case I decided to attempt to fight it off again. I opened the drawer to the right of the bed and took out a bottle of painkillers so that I could at least take the edge off enough to go back to sleep. Maybe if I slept all the way through until tomorrow, I couldn't do anything else stupid today.
I woke up again four hours later according to my bedside clock, feeling much better on the headache front and a lot less panicked on the whole confessing my secrets to Rosalie front. Honestly, she probably would have just laughed it off as nothing even if she had remembered it this morning. After all, she had confessed herself, to finding Edward attractive as soon as she saw him. I felt a little bit of triumph at the fact that I had finally gotten a confirmation as to what the nature of their relationship was and what it had always been. There was a greater victory in the fact that I managed to get it from Rosalie without having to ask her. I still didn't really understand why she and Edward had never even thought of being in a relationship, even when they were 17, travelling alone together with their hormones sky high. They must really not see the other person as a sexual being at all.
Thinking about Edward and Rosalie made me wonder whether or not Edward was actually back from visiting his mother. I thought about messaging him, but decided against it, just in case he was still with her; I didn't want it to seem like all I did was sit around and think about him because it really wasn't. Well, this weekend may have been heavy on the thoughts of Edward, but that was mostly down to other people. It's not like I forced people to ask me about Edward; they just didn't seem to have anything else to talk to me about. I was forced out of my increasingly irritable thoughts by the sound of my cell ringing. Looking down at the screen, I didn't recognise the number and it certainly wasn't stored on my phone. Now normally I was not the sort of person who answered my phone to an unknown number; I hated random, intrusive sales calls and I hated even more the journalists who went to trouble to get my personal number only to ask me completely asinine questions. However, I hit the green button before I knew what I was doing and when I heard the voice on the other end of the line, I wanted to hit myself.
"Hey Bella it's me Jess." I don't know how she didn't manage to hear the groan from my inner voice; it was rather loud.
"Hey," I answered back in a voice that didn't exactly exude warmth. I may not have been as pissed with Jessica as I was with Jane, nor was I as angry with her as I had been yesterday, but I still didn't want to have a conversation with the girl.
"Look, I just called to apologise about Friday night," she said in a rush. "I would have called to apologise yesterday, but Alice said I should probably give you time to cool off."
Alice was wise. I don't think I would have let manners keep me from hanging up the phone as soon as she said her name yesterday. Today, I had enough control to not even say anything after her apology.
Jessica went on. "I know I was completely out of line and there was absolutely no excuse for my behaviour, but I just wanted you to know that I am sorry."
I rolled my eyes and resisted the overwhelming urge to sigh because she would have definitely heard that and I didn't feel right being a bitch when she was being a grown up about the whole situation – finally. "I'm not going to say it's okay Jessica," I told her honestly.
"Of course," she agreed quickly.
"It wasn't exactly a fun night for me to be attacked by people I work with and people I owe absolutely no explanation about my life to." I wasn't going to be a bitch, but that didn't mean I wasn't going to tell her exactly what was on my mind. I had held back almost all of Friday night and it had ended with me completely blowing up, which wasn't the best thing. I wanted Jessica to see this from my point of view anyway so maybe she could carry the 'gossip' back to her friend Jane.
"I know that," Jessica informed me, her voice lowering and filled with something very similar to shame. "Look Bella, I know what it's like for everyone to be talking shit about you and I'm really sorry if I contributed to any of that. I really am. I wish I could go back and tell myself to shut the fuck up, but I let my mouth get carried away with me."
I couldn't really say anything else after that; she had taken the words right out of my mouth and the only thing I could say was: "Let's just put it behind us Jess. We're both adults and it's not like there was too much damage done or anything."
She agreed, apologised again and then said her goodbye. I sat in bed, surprised as hell by the conversation for about ten minutes before I finally just shook my head clear and took my own advice to just move one from the whole thing. It was nice that Jessica apologised and it was a relief to know that when we got back to work on Monday morning, there would be no awkward tension between us. Jane...well that was another story. Maybe she was so drunk on Friday that she wouldn't remember offending me to such a great degree, but I certainly wasn't. Normally, I wasn't the type to hold a grudge, but I wasn't going to pretend to be okay with a woman who didn't respect me enough as a peer to mind her own business.
Taking a shower took much longer than I had anticipated, but that was probably because I stood under the water until it ran cold and I could no longer let it wash all the stress of the week away without my teeth chattering. It may have been rather hot on the streets of New York, but cold showers were not a fun experience at any time of year. I didn't have much to do today because I hadn't actually planned on anything. I had wanted to call Esme yesterday and see if she could meet up to talk some more, but I hadn't been in the right state of mind really. I would have to arrange to meet with her at some point in the week if she wasn't too busy planning her wedding. I couldn't believe how quickly it was coming up and I made a mental note to ask someone from wardrobe for a suitable dress that I could possibly borrow for the occasion. Then again if I was going to be in a room full of Kristen's relatives maybe I shouldn't actually dress like her.
I had been sitting reading a book that Edward had mentioned long ago that I would love when a knock pushed me out of the world that I had been observing quite happily. My first thought was that Edward was finally back from seeing his mother and I rushed to answer the door, slowing down just when I got to it and caught myself. What the hell was I? A teenager waiting for her damn prom date?
"Hey," I greeted, smile wide on my face as I swung the door opened wide.
Holy crap.
The smile on my face froze in place, I was sure. I could feel my eyes widen to about three times their normal size. Unless Edward had drastically changed since Friday, this was not my friend. However, the person it looked like it was (the person it actually was, of course), could not possibly be standing on my doorstep with bags in hand. Not unless I was still asleep.
"Hello Bella," my mother greeted me.
I blinked. She was still standing there, not smiling, but not looking angry either. It seemed as if she had expected this reaction from me because she just stood there patiently, looking at me steadily.
"Mom?" I asked stupidly. Of course it was her, but my mind couldn't actually comprehend what my eyes were seeing. My mother, who I hadn't heard from at all after I knew she'd received the letter, was standing in front of me, looking at me as if I should have somehow expected her to be there. I didn't.
My Dad hadn't mentioned her coming when I last spoke to him a couple of days ago. Sam hadn't mentioned her coming when I spoke to him yesterday. No one had mentioned that my still estranged mother would be standing on my doorstep on Sunday night. I didn't know what to do. My brain wasn't giving any instructions to the rest of my body for movement because it was too busy reeling from the shock of this development.
"Can I come in?" she asked finally after what could have been hours of the two of us just standing there looking at each other in silence.
I shook my head. "Of course." I stepped aside. How could I have been so fucking stupid? Of course I should have invited her in straight away. Now she would think that I didn't want her there, which was very far from the truth. I just still couldn't believe that she was actually here. "I'm sorry. I just er....I mean, I didn't...um..."
Apparently not only couldn't I believe that my mother was standing in front of me in my temporary apartment, but I couldn't speak in complete sentences either. Didn't she raise an amazingly intelligent daughter?
"I know this is probably a surprise to you, me showing up like this," she started. Understatement much mother? "I just thought it was about time for us to talk." She was looking me right in the eyes when she said this and I was filled with a sense of this being a very crucial moment for our relationship. She was looking for agreement from me; confirmation of my being ready to finally start mending what I had so carelessly and unknowingly broken years before.
I took a deep breath. "Yeah," I agreed. "It really is."
*
I had been absolutely right in thinking that her presence in New York, however unexpected it may have been, was critical to where our relationship would go. I couldn't imagine getting to the place we were now through emails, phone calls or letters. There are things that are better expressed on paper, but there are emotions that people can only really find when they are interacting and that was what my mother's visit gave us both. It also allowed us to start from the beginning; to find out who we were to each other now so that we could get back some of what we were to each other before. Renee had always been my Mom, even when the two of us barely said a sentence to each other without it resulting in an argument of some kind, but it was what that word meant to each of us that had changed. It was now in the process of changing again and I think we both hoped that it would be more like the original meaning.
I could only go so far with her into the airport without a ticket, so we decided to just say goodbye at the door and for me to go back with the taxi. My Mom only had one bag, which she easily lifted, refusing both mine and the driver's offer of help. We stood facing each other, just outside the entrance to the airport and smiled, comfortable in the knowledge that a gap had been bridged these past few days and although it wasn't complete, we were definitely moving in the right direction. I had been worried that Renee would fly back to LA and all the progress we had made would be completely undone, but dinner last night had reinforced that things really had changed between us; we really were mending.
"I'm going to miss you Bella," my Mom said, wrapping her arms around me and giving me only the second hug since she got here.
"I'm going to miss you too Mom," I confessed. "I wish I could go back with you, but-"
Renee let me go and shook her head. "You have responsibilities here Bella," she finished for me. "Besides, I don't think a certain leading actor friend of yours would be too happy with me if I took you away for the weekend."
She shot me with a mischievous and utterly suggestive grin, to which I just chose to roll my eyes. My mother had been repeatedly insinuating since last night that something was going on with Edward and I. I hadn't wanted to deny it, so I just chose to completely ignore her comments on the matter; I was refusing to be baited by my own mother. Renee just laughed and hugged me again.
"Take care of yourself Bella and come visit your Dad and I as soon as you can," she said, giving me a final squeeze. "I love you kid."
I smiled. "I love you too Mom."
Yes it was cheesy and yes it was a moment that belonged in a Lifetime movie, but I was getting my mother back after years of not really having her and it finally seemed like at least one part of my life was coming back together.
*
EPOV
In all honesty, all I had wanted to do on Thursday night was go home, take a shower and go to bed. I hadn't been sleeping too well with the weight of what Bella and I had to do in rehearsals still weighing heavily on my mind. The repetition of the scene not once, but twice, so that we got through it without any more accidents had been absolute torture. I had to keep reminding myself that Bella and I were in a room full of people 'pretending'. We were pretending to be other people, pretending to be in love and pretending to be having sex. We were not alone and we most definitely were not ourselves. Still, I wasn't going to lie and say that I didn't thoroughly enjoy being someone else in that moment. I had kissed Bella several times before during scenes, but being in bed with her, having so much of my body be in contact with hers – clothed, of course – was a completely different experience and one that I enjoyed far, far too much.
Friends of mine who weren't in the business liked to joke a lot about actors getting paid to live out their fantasies, both innocent and sexual. They teased me about being able to kiss other women and pretend to have sex with other women, without getting any kind of grief from my significant other at the time because it was all part of the job. They were jealous and they absolutely loved bringing it up every time we got together and had enough alcohol in us to loosen some tongues. I hadn't fully understood just how amazing my job was until Wednesday afternoon when I got to look at Bella in exactly the way that I wanted to without having to feel at all guilty or conflicted about it because it was a part of my job. Of course, after we got back, I felt extremely guilty about it because I felt as if I wasn't being completely honest with her any more.
The simple truth of the matter was that I wanted to be more than friends with Isabella Swan and I had wanted it for a long, long time. The complex truth of the matter was that I didn't really know if Bella would be open to that idea considering she was still in some kind of a relationship with a guy she'd been with for years. Objectively, I could allow myself to admit that I thought Bella was attracted to me, but being physically attracted to someone and wanting to do something about it was completely different. Attraction is an unstoppable biological process; we see people that fit our version of attractive and we find ourselves drawn to them. Doing something about it was a conscious choice and I didn't know if Bella wanted me to be anything other than a good friend and co-star.
I wanted to spend Thursday night relaxing, resting and thinking. I wanted to come up with some sort of plan of action on the whole Bella front because I could feel it all coming to a head. I wasn't the type of guy who played games; I was usually honest and up front with women, but this whole thing with Bella was confusing the hell out of me. Jasper and Rosalie had invited me to see a play with them, but I refused, using being tired because of work as an excuse. They tried to persuade me to change my mind, but I held firm and I would have spent the entire night exactly as I had planned had Bella not walked into my apartment and invited me out to dinner with her and her Mom for the third time that week.
Truthfully, I actually did want to go. I had wanted to go the other times she'd asked me too, but I had refused because I didn't want to intrude on Bella's time with her mother because I knew just how important this was to her; to them both. I told Bella as much again, but she insisted that my presence wouldn't take anything away from her spending time with her mother; it would only add to it. Well, what the hell was someone supposed to say to that? I was being ushered to Bella's apartment before I could even stop nodding my agreement to go.
Ever since I had found out about Bella and her mother, I had been extremely curious about her. I wanted to know what kind of woman had raised the amazing creature that was Isabella Swan. I was a little nervous about the evening, if truth be told, because I wanted this woman to like me; I felt as if it were important somehow. I had met only a handful of parents in my time: Rosalie's hated me (obviously), Claire's adored me (after her Dad made it clear that he wouldn't hesitate to hunt me down like a dog if I ever treated his daughter with anything other than respect) and my other ex-girlfriend's parents had liked me well enough. I tried to tell myself that the only reason I wanted Renee to like me was so that this evening, which Bella seemed really keen to see happening, wouldn't be ruined. Of course, in the back of my mind, I also knew that if I ever wanted anything to happen with Bella, having her mother hate me from the start wouldn't be the way to go about things.
Renee was everything I expected her to be; she was funny, intelligent, adventurous and captivating. She had lived a very interesting life prior to becoming a mother of two and she had a kind of vitality about her that told everyone she still loved the life she was living now. I could see where Bella got a lot of her strength of character from because her mother exuded strength and conviction. Bella also had the same shape of eyes as Renee, though hers were a much richer, warmer brown colour that reminded me of all good things in life. They had similar mannerisms, though I didn't think either were aware of the fact that they both tapped their left hand when they were impatiently waiting for something. All in all, it was not only a very entertaining and informative evening, but also a rather successful one. I was very confident in the fact that Renee Swan liked me.
I was in a rather victorious state of mind as I walked into the apartment and was immediately greeted with the sounds of Jasper and Rosalie talking in the lounge area. I couldn't tell what was being said, but Rose was laughing uproariously, so whatever it was, the conversation couldn't have been too serious. I was glad; there had been far too many serious conversations between the 3 of us lately.
"Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in," Rosalie said, a little breathlessly when she noticed me walking towards them. "Where have you been Ed? I thought you were too tired to go out."
I shrugged. "I snapped out of it I guess. I went out for dinner."
"You could have called us," Jasper piped up. "We'd have met you for dinner."
I sat down by Rosalie's feet. "I actually went to dinner with Bella and her mother." There was no use in trying to hide the fact that I was with Bella tonight because Rosalie would have found out and it would have looked even more suspect if I was trying to cover up what was a perfectly innocent dinner.
"Ha!" Rose cried. "I knew it. Pay up loser."
I looked between them, confused and then a little offended that they had bet on where I'd be tonight when they didn't find me at home asleep on the couch. "How old are the two of you?" I asked, not bothering to hide my irritation.
"Old enough to be able to enjoy the joys of gambling," Rosalie answered, pocketing the twenty that Jasper had handed over. "I can't believe you thought he was with Carlisle," she said to Jasper.
The blond man shrugged. "I was giving him the benefit of the doubt," he defended. "It's not like he spends all his waking hours with Bella; it wasn't a foregone conclusion."
Rosalie snorted. "It totally was. The only way Edward could be dragged out of the apartment tonight when he looks like he needs about a day's worth of sleep, was if Bella asked him."
"You both know that I'm still in the room right?" I asked, a little louder than normal because they seemed to be completely oblivious to the fact that I could actually hear their conversation; oblivious or uncaring. Probably both.
They both turned their heads toward me and shrugged. "We have no problem talking about you in front of you Edward," Jasper teased. "Besides, you just lost me 20 bucks."
"You shouldn't have been betting about me!" I protested.
"You shouldn't have been so naive Jazz," Rose said over me. "Edward and Bella...well, it's kind of a done deal."
I don't think Jasper's surprise at her words could match mine. "What?!" we both asked.
Rosalie shook her head and rolled her eyes, as if we were both asking her a question that a 5 year-old would know the answer to. "Oh please," she scoffed, flicking her long blond hair over her shoulders. "The two of you are admittedly attracted to each other, you get on like a house on fire, Carlisle and Esme like her, she invited you to dinner with her mother, she's no longer got a boyfriend and you're going to be spending the next two and a half months pretending like you're in love." She was ticking these things off on her fingers as she said them and when she reached the final one, she leaned back and smiled. "That my friend is what I call a done deal."
I was pretty sure my mouth had dropped open in surprise as Jasper let out a low whistle at my other side. "Wow, when you put it like that..." he trailed off.
"When you put it like that, you still sound like you're trying to become a writer for a gossip rag," I argued. "I thought you of all people would know that men and women can just be friends Rose."
Rosalie shook her head. "Oh no, don't even try to pretend like you and Bella are just like me and you Edward," she protested. "The mere thought of that makes me want to vomit a little bit. I don't know why you can't just come out and say that you like her. You have to make everything into a big, complicated mess when really it's quite simple. Boy meets girl; boy likes girl; girl likes boy; both get it the fuck on. The end."
Jasper laughed. "You truly have a way with words Rosalie."
Rose just bowed her head in his direction and smiled whilst I sat there wondering if she was right; was I making this whole thing with Bella more complicated than it needed to be? I shook my head. No, it was complicated; it wasn't my imagination that Bella still technically had a boyfriend. I didn't make up the fact that she was only 19 and we were in a movie together that may or may not have coloured the way we saw each other. I didn't embellish the details of her complicated relationship with her mother. Rosalie only saw it as simple because she wasn't aware of all the details and she didn't really know Bella. An alcohol-fuelled conversation with her one night didn't somehow give her insight into the mind of a girl that she'd never really spoken to before that period.
"She still has a boyfriend," I told her, giving the only thing that I could without betraying Bella's confidence.
Rosalie snorted. "I'm not getting into a whole 'Friends' style debate with you about whether being 'on a break' means that they're together, or not Edward. Look all you need to know is that the girl likes you and I don't mean as just a friend. Now I know you like her so what the hell is the deal?"
Jasper nodded along with her. "Dude, I have to agree with Rosalie on this one. You've never had a problem going after a girl before."
I sighed. Betrayed by my two closest friends. "Et tu Jasper?"
He shrugged. "Look, the reason that Alice isn't overly keen on you Edward is that she's very good friends with Bella's ex-boyfriend and she sees you as a threat. If Bella really only thought of you in a platonic manner, she wouldn't see you as a threat would she?"
Jasper had a knack for just laying everything out on the line; well everything that didn't allude to himself anyway. I shook my head, rolled my eyes and finally gave the fuck up. It was getting me nowhere, this whole avoidance and denial dance I was doing. I was just getting more and more confused by the minute and honestly, I agreed with Rosalie; I did have a talent for making something out of nothing.
"I honestly don't know what the fuck I'm doing," I admitted, defeat colouring every single word that came out of my mouth. I didn't have to look at Rose to know that she had an excited gleam in her sky blue eyes. Jasper's expression didn't change, but I also knew that he was interested in hearing what I had to say. Unfortunately for the both of them that one sentence pretty much summed up everything that had been going through my mind.
"That's it?" Rosalie asked impatiently. "That's all you have to say? You don't know what you're doing?"
I nodded. I didn't have the slightest idea what I was doing with Bella. I felt like I was a teenager with his first crush.
"Why don't you just tell her?" Jasper spoke out.
"What?"
"Just tell her that you're interested." Jasper was speaking like it was the easiest and simplest thing in the world for me to tell Bella that I was interested in becoming more than her friend and her co-star. I was interested in finding out if this connection and this relationship that we had built could be the start of something neither of us had expected. I was very interested, but I had no idea if she was and if she wasn't, there was going to be a whole lot of awkwardness on set thereafter.
"And what she's going to be interested too and we can ride off into the sunset together?" I asked, with a roll of my eyes. "My life's not some romantic comedy storyline Jasper, no matter how much you and Rosalie think otherwise."
"So what are you going to do then?" Rosalie asked. They were fucking tag-teaming me. Brilliant. Just a few days ago Rosalie couldn't be in the same room as Jasper without yelling at him or making snide comments but now they were agreeing on everything? Fucking brilliant.
"Nothing," I answered firmly. "I'm just going to be her friend and see where that leads us. I'm not going to put her on the spot like you want me to."
Rosalie groaned in utter frustration. "You're being a god damn pussy Edward. You keep making up excuses to not tell her or not pursue her or whatever else and all you really need to do is at least let her know that it's something more for you and then let nature take its course. You think far too fucking much for an actor, you know that don't you?"
I had to laugh at the last part of her speech even though she'd pretty much insulted me throughout. I couldn't deny that I had been over-analysing the whole Bella situation or that I tended to over-analyse every situation, but I had a feeling that there was a lot more at stake this time than the film. Bella had come to be quite important to me over the course of the past couple of months. I had missed spending time with her this week when she'd been busy with her Mom and I didn't want to potentially fuck all of that up because I couldn't separate life from art anymore – didn't really want to, in fact. Rosalie and Jasper were both right; there had only ever really been two simple solutions to this whole thing: I had to stay away from Bella or I had to just embrace everything and just go with it. I had been trying to straddle the two options and bring them together practically since meeting her, but I couldn't do it anymore and I shouldn't be doing it anymore. It was making everything complicated and if I wanted to be able to separate work from real life, I needed to start working out the confusion in my own life.
So, okay. Obviously I couldn't stay away from Bella and I couldn't ignore the fact that I unrelentingly and almost illogically drawn to her. The second option was available to me and it was by far the most inviting if I was going to be completely honest with myself. I needed to try and portray to Bella that I was definitely open to more with her if she should want it without pushing her. I didn't want to be another problem in her life; I wanted to be the person who helped her cope with them; who helped her face them.
There was just one thing that my conversation with Rosalie and Jasper didn't give me any answers to at all; how the fuck was I supposed to make her aware that I wanted something other than friendly dinners without actually telling her?
*
I spent Friday morning wondering what it was going to be like with Bella now that I had come up with half a plan about what to do with whatever it was with us. I wondered whether I'd act normally around her or if she would be able to tell that something had changed due to my extreme strangeness around her. I still couldn't figure out a way to let her know that I actually wanted to date her other than to actually ask her out and make sure she knew it was a date. I felt like I should have talked to her about the whole thing. One of the best things about my relationship with Bella was the fact that I found it so easy to talk to her, but I couldn't even begin to imagine how to bring this very sensitive subject up. I was rather distracted all of Friday morning, which didn't quite show up as much in my work as it would have done had we been rehearsing completely new scenes.
I was so nervous about how I'd act around Bella now that I forgot to be anxious about this afternoon. The scene was going to be the last that the two of the leads shared together in the story's timeline. It was the goodbye scene; the last time that either one of them got to show the person they loved that they did indeed love them with everything they had. It was an incredibly intense scene and the emotions that had to be portrayed in it were sometimes on completely opposite ends of the spectrum. I had been the most nervous about this scene beyond any of the others, even if they hadn't been having sex in it. It was the scene that really captured the desperation they felt at being forced apart by circumstances; it was the scene that told you the rest of the story was not going to be a happy one; for anyone involved. There was a definite step up in the darkness of the tale from this moment on. If it went wrong, everything else after would be wrong and everything else before would be tinged with disappointment that the build was better than the climax.
I would have probably been a jittery, nervous wreck about to be offered Valium by someone else from the cast, had I not been completely – well almost completely – distracted by what it was going to be like with Bella and I when she got back this afternoon. There had been a couple of moments last night when there was something different in the way she looked at me, or the way she smiled at me, but that could have just been my imagination or a result of my looking a little differently at her. I needed to get a fucking grip. I was a grown man who'd had relationships before and I was being reduced to a nervous, unsure wreck by a girl nearly five years my junior.
I'd never had this problem with anyone before. I wasn't exactly cock-sure, but I wasn't typically nervous around women unless they had the sort of power that could get me black-listed from what I loved to do. The anxiety was professionally related, not personally; never personally until now, with Bella. A part of me wondered if it was because I held her in such esteem professionally and maybe that was a factor, but there was also some deep recess of my mind that told me it was something more than that. What that 'something more' was exactly wasn't really clear; apparently that voice in the deep recesses could only say the one thing – not an overly helpful inner voice.
"You look in a thoughtful mood," a very familiar voice commented. I snapped my head up immediately and faced the teasing smile of the very woman I had been thinking about, and not just for the past few hours either.
"Hey," I greeted. "I didn't expect you to be back until after lunch."
Bella shrugged and came to sit next to the bench that I had been occupying. "Obviously I couldn't wait to get back on set to see you."
I forced a chuckle out of my mouth whilst my mind was arguing with itself about whether or not there was an ounce of sincerity in her declaration at all. Obviously she'd said it in a teasing manner, but she didn't have to say it at all and the fact that she did must have meant something right? Yeah, like I was turning into a fucking woman. No man should be sitting next to a girl he likes going over every little thing she said to him. I was thankful that no one else was privy to my thoughts because even I wanted to laugh at myself right now.
"Seriously though," Bella continued, obviously unaware of the mocking I was doing of myself. "You had anything to eat yet?" I shook my head; I wasn't really hungry.
"Come on then," she encouraged, standing up and looking down at me for once. "It'll even be my treat because someone wouldn't let me pay for mine and my mother's food last night."
"The counter was on my way back from the restrooms," I insisted, standing up.
Bella scoffed and started walking towards the exit of the lot. "Yeah, if you walked all the way around to the other side of the restaurant before coming back to the table first."
Even though she had been ahead of me, it only took 2 long strides before I was walking beside her instead of following her. "What can I say? I like to take the scenic route."
Bella shoved me playfully with her shoulder, which wouldn't have caused me to deviate from the straight path I was walking at all had she not caught me by surprise and used her entire body weight. "Hey!" I protested. "You know causing someone serious injury is not the best way to thank them for dinner."
"Hence why I'll be paying for lunch," Bella grinned. She looked at me for a beat and then her expression turned serious and she stopped walking to stand in front of me. Bella inhaled deeply and ran a hand through her hair, biting her lip as if she was nervous about whatever it was she was going to say to me; a far cry from the teasing tone of our conversation so far.
"Seriously though Edward, I do honestly want to say thanks," she said finally, her eyes dropping to study the cement of the sidewalk beneath us.
"What for?" I asked, genuinely puzzled about why she would be this serious about thanking me for a relatively inexpensive dinner.
Bella lifted her head to look up at me and the expression in her eyes was something I couldn't name, but something that literally stopped my mind from being able to process any kind of thought other than I was in so much trouble when it came to this girl.
"For just knowing," she said. "If it wasn't for a conversation we had a couple of weeks ago, my Mom wouldn't have been here this past week and last night...just...you always seem to know what I need and you always seem to be there for me."
To say I was shocked would have been putting it mildly; I was astounded. I didn't quite know what to say. I thought she was giving me far too much credit for my part in her mother's reappearance back in her life. I couldn't really think of a single thing I said in our conversation that would have affected Bella's relationship with her mother so dramatically. The reply working its way to my mouth was the standard 'that's what friends are for' line that everyone gives when they aren't really comfortable in taking credit for something. However, I felt as if my describing our relationship as 'friendship' again for the umpteenth time was now kind of deceiving and I didn't want to keep putting myself under that heading with Bella.
So I said the only thing I could that was 100% truthful. "Always Bella," I said, smiling down and taking her hand to give it a small squeeze. "Always."
A/N: Thank you to everyone who is reading this story (new comers and seasoned readers alike) and an extra thank you to those who leave reviews. This won't be a long author's note because I think the chapter is pretty self-explanatory. Hope you enjoyed it!