Today's little update is dedicated to all my 'strayan readers. Happy 'Straya Day! (Oh God, I can't believe I just typed that, it's actually my pet peeve!) And to Sailor's Wife. Feel better soon deary :)

xx

Za moje budala...

To my most ridiculously impetuous and dangerous Helen,

You say you want to know why I ran from the party? Are you just playing dumb or did you really not notice me stalking you down those corridors? I left because I saw you, because I saw you watching me from the corner in that deep blue satin number.

How could you be so reckless Helen? How could you be so completely and utterly foolish? Do you not know what you have just risked? What if I'd managed to catch up to you, what would you have done then? What if I hadn't realised I had to let you go, what if I hadn't been strong enough to do that? You risked everything! I was about two seconds away from grabbing you, pinning you to the wall and having my damn way with you! God Helen, in all my years never have I known you to be so idiotic!

That entire night I was miserable, bored and lonely at a party I didn't feel I belonged at. I'm not ashamed to say I spent most of the time moping about, avoiding talking to anyone who I didn't feel I could belittle with a look. But then I saw you. You were so conspicuous, up in that corner, pressed against the wall with your hat pulled low over your eyes. I knew it was you in an instant.

I loved your dark hair, thought it was just spectacular and the tiny curls that fell by your cheeks had me just about on my knees. The dark blue suited you, a little too well for my restraint's liking but suited you none the less. It didn't help either that everyone else was dressed to the nines in soft coloured party dresses. You stood out like a sore thumb my dear, just as you always do.

To be honest, at that point I wanted nothing more than to stride up the stairs to your little balcony hide-hole, grab you by the waist and drag you into the nearest room. Something in me knew you wouldn't protest and now, looking back, I think it's a very good thing that you stood up and left when you did. I'm not sure how much longer I would have lasted before going to you and ravaging you.

The worst part is that now I know how much you were tempted to do the same. You wanted me to come and tear away your fine clothes just as much as I wanted to see them in tatters by my bed. It actually reminded me a little of the day before my death. You looked ravishing that day too. In fact, the image of the dark haired version of you was in my mind as I kissed you senseless that day. It felt vaguely like cheating but part of me knew the woman who clung to me was one who did so because of a fear of losing me and, as such, wasn't really my Helen, not yet anyway. You wanted me but I'm not sure if you truly wanted me. You were afraid and had every right to be. Though the second I managed to get you out of that hideous green dress any thoughts of any other versions of you were gone from my mind. Even if we never did get any further than a few well placed gropes.

But, as I was saying, you are a reckless, foolish individual and I have the strongest desire to bend you over my knee and give you a good spanking for your idiocy. Plus, after last night I owe you one.

Where was I again? Oh, right, when you walked away. Now, you need to keep in mind that at this stage I was sticking heavily with the 'celibate' story in the hopes of wooing you with my dedication (I still hadn't given up hope bedding the other version of you at this point) so the idea of seeing you, the you who had all but professed to loving me had me desperate to get you alone and, if possible, naked.

I watched as you sauntered from the room and, the second you were out of my sight, I followed, hurrying through the crowds of well-wishers in the vain hope that I could catch you. I almost lost you as I emerged from the main ballroom but a gust of strong, fresh air reached my nose and brought with it your scent. And it was your scent, not that of the younger version of yourself. The one I loved to come home to find on my pillow. On a sidenote, if I may ask a favour, with your next letter could you return to your previous habit of leaving it on my pillow? There was something about that I found beautifully intimate.

But yes, back to the ridiculous lengths you go to to tease me.

I could smell you Helen and it was that smell that I followed, hurrying along past lecherous couples in darkened corridors like a puppy on the heels of its owner. That's what you felt like to me at the time, the woman who owned my heart. If the truth be told, you still do.

Why do I keep getting so distracted whilst writing this letter? I meant for it to be an opportunity for me to berate you for your foolish mistake (because you went out to buy some kind of contraption you did explain to me that I don't actually understand but it doesn't matter because it means you aren't here to hit me for being so bold) but once again I am getting caught up in how much I love you! Woman, what on earth have you done to me?

So, yes, the dark and hazy corridors. Eventually I caught up to you though by then I think you were off in a world of your own. I'd like to think you were daydreaming about what would happen if I found you but knowing your mind it could have been anything. I hung back ever so slightly as I started to feel a little guilty for what I was doing. I knew it wasn't the version of you that I knew and I knew we weren't supposed to meet but it was so tempting to throw caution to the wind and step into the library after you.

As it was I waited by the door, watching as you opened the window, inviting in a few pigeons. I almost burst in at that point, ready to declare my love and all that jazz but then I watched how, with trembling fingers you kissed the envelope of my letter before placing it gently on the window sill. You almost broke my heart in that moment and I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I couldn't very well walk in there and announce my presence to you as much as I may have wanted to. I knew you had your reasons for staying away and, despite our sometimes tumultuous relationship I have always and will always trust you. It killed me to step back into the shadows as you turned towards the door once more and the single tear that rested on your lovely little cheek had me breathing hard.

I watched silently as you walked away but when you paused, halfway down the corridor for a long moment, my heart was in my throat. Half of me was desperate to have you turn around and, through the darkness, see me while the other was silently urging you on. I wanted you Helen, more than I can ever explain. The thought of you being sad or upset in any way and because of me made the urge to run to you even stronger. You deserved to be comforted and the desire to do just that was strong.

I don't know how I did it, I really don't but somehow I waited a full two minutes before I entered the library. Your scent was thick in the air and as I approached the window my hands were shaking far worse than yours. When I read the letter I better understood why you had been so upset though the concept of you missing me was one that was still a little foreign at the time. Not that I don't believe you've always missed me when I was apart but this was something different, wasn't it?

Anyway, there you have it. The true story of why I was in the library. All your fault darling, all your fault. And I love you for it.

Have fun in Coober Pedy my dear. It'll be hot but I'm sure you'll find some way to pass the time. I can't suggest the black bikini for obvious reasons but- Oh, you're knocking at the door so I think perhaps I'll save that thought for later.

Love,

Nikola.

PS: You are an absolute fool, you know that right? I mean, my fool but still a fool.

Quick question, do you want them to ever actually meet prior to Helen rejoining the time line because I have two options for the next part of this and can't decide. Review and let me know? :)