Inukag week, day one: Opposites

"I'll protect you with my life."

He was leaning slightly towards her, holding her hand when the words left his mouth, and Kagome could only stare up at him silently. She noticed his eyes flickering to her lips, and she should have been happy, and she should have been wanting nothing more than exactly what it seemed was going to happen.

The truth was— she did. She did want it. She'd wanted it for months. She had hoped he would make a move, she had hoped he would tell her something like that. There had even been a moment when she had thought that was where they were at, when she'd felt that this was the relationship they had.

So why the bitter taste in her mouth now?

Right. Because this was now.

Because she would have needed to hear it before.

Because now, there was no way for her to ignore how that sounded. She could try all she wanted to reason with it; she could tell herself that Inuyasha just felt free now, and that he had, after all, decided to stay rather than to follow Kikyo to hell, and that that had to count for something, but she couldn't just ignore how she felt about it.

She did blame herself for said feelings; she always had. She blamed herself for being hurt by Inuyasha's words, because why did you have to read so much into it in the first place, she blamed herself for disliking Kikyo, because everyone likes her so clearly the problem comes from you, she blamed herself for not being able to save her, because if only you were better you could have, she blamed herself for being so insecure, because who has power on your mind except for you.

Your fault. It's all your fault.

It wasn't like her. She hadn't said much about it, silently getting to resent herself more and more as time went by. She wasn't too sure why she reacted to it now of all times. She wasn't too happy about it either. She would have loved to be able to just lose herself with him right now. Would have loved to finally taste his lips.

But…

"It's because of Kikyo, isn't it?"

It wasn't much more than a whisper; she barely noticed she'd said it, but Inuyasha's eyes widened, and he pulled back, just a little, and she glanced away.

The moment was gone.

"Wha-what are you talking about?" When she didn't answer, he insisted. "Kagome?"

She closed her eyes tightly. She hated the worry, the insecurity in his voice. She hated knowing she was the cause of it. She should be the bigger person. She should recognize how hard his life had been, how he just didn't know any better, how he had always needed her and wanted her by his side and how it had only been his guilt and how it wasn't his fault.

But she couldn't.

Not anymore.

For the first time in a long time, her emotions, repressed since what felt like forever, flew to the surface.

"I'm second best."

Saying it out loud almost immediately brought the tears to her eyes. She'd buried it so she wouldn't even think about it, because God, it hurt. It hurt so much.

But then… it was true, wasn't it? It had to be, right?

"You would never have said that if she was still here." The words were stumbling out of her mouth, in a hurry to finally be told. "You would never have picked me. You…"

"'s that how you've been feeling?"

She stopped to look at him. He looked… He looked unhappy. Sad, even. She nodded. Somehow, miraculously, the tears still hadn't spilled from her eyes.

He stared at her just a few seconds more. He would have done anything so she wouldn't cry — absolutely fucking anything — but he had no idea where to start. He'd thought that she'd known. He'd thought that through everything, all the shit they were going through, she had at least known. She was his first choice, forever and always, if only he'd had any, but that was the whole point. He didn't. He had to do it for Kikyo, because it was his fault if she wasn't in this world anymore.

But he thought she had known he loved her through everything. Maybe it should have made him happy, that she had stayed with him despite believing he loved another woman, but it didn't. How could it? It would have driven him insane, if it had been him. He couldn't imagine the degree of pain she had experienced.

And it was all his fault.

"'s not… 's not like that. I wouldn't have been able to tell you when Kikyo was alive, but you… y'know I would have died for you all the same, to save your life, right?"

She hesitated, then nodded slowly. Yes. Probably. But she hadn't read too much into it. It was like him to do that. There were many people out there he would probably have died to save, and it was something she admired about him. That didn't mean much. It meant he cared for her, and she knew that. If he didn't love her, she thought that, at least, she was his best friend, and that was better than nothing, though it wasn't what she wanted.

"'s not about Kikyo," he repeated with a little more strength. "'s not either about you being her reincarnation. You're… You're nothing alike."

She knew that. She thought she'd known that. But relief was flooding in her veins, and she realized then how much she'd needed to hear it.

"No one's made me feel like you," he mumbled, though at this point he wished he could have simply stopped talking. "You're not… You don't care for me in spite of being a half-demon. You care for me as a half-demon and I—I don't know if you even realize how much that means to me but…" He sighed, glancing away from her this time. There was no way he could say it out loud while looking at her. "I'd wanted to tell you this before." Then his voice almost turned to a whisper. "I thought you knew." He'd never wanted to hurt her. Never. "'s always been you."

She… She understood that. Well, part of her did anyway. She remembered what he'd told her at the very beginning of their adventure together. When he'd told her he couldn't forget Kikyo because of his guilt, but that he wanted her by his side.

But then he'd promised her he wouldn't go after Kikyo again, and she had known he would go anyway, but that hadn't meant she wanted him to, that she hadn't hoped he wouldn't. He had lied. And then, of course, he had kissed Kikyo. Again, she could understand that he wanted to say goodbye, though she couldn't quite get how he could tell her all those things at the very beginning of their relationship if there was that many feelings left between him and Kikyo. It was unfair — unfair to her.

This was when she understood the problem.

She didn't believe him.

She would have trusted him with her life, but she couldn't trust him with her heart. Not right now.

She believed he meant every word he said, and that was the most confusing thing. She was sure what he was saying was true, but she didn't believe him. Again, her reason just couldn't beat her feelings.

"I need time."

She didn't want to need time. She wanted things to be perfect between them now. But they weren't, and she was done ignoring her feelings. She did feel guilty for picking now of all times, but then, this was something she would do for him. If she had the slightest doubt on her feelings, he deserved to know.

She had deserved to know, too, but this her feelings and her brain could agree on. Inuyasha hadn't meant to hurt her. That she did believe, she did feel, deeply.

"'m sorry."

And he was sorry. So terribly, terribly sorry. Sorry he'd fucked things up with her, but mostly sorry she'd been hurt. He felt guilty, but he wasn't sure he could have handled things differently. Anyway, what was done, was done.

So at least, he offered her his embrace, and she gladly accepted it, holding him against her as he rested his chin on top of her head.

It felt like a break-up, but at the same time, she had no doubt that this would be just so that they could find each other better later.

Because no matter how long it would take, they would find each other again — no matter how unlikely it seemed.

The school girl and the half-demon.

Inuyasha and Kagome.

Reposting it here because there won't be any connection between the one-shots so it feels better here.