CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

"The wound is the place where the Light enters you." ― Rumi

Daylight melted away into dusk as the Avengers and Amelia returned to their base, all their hope being placed onto the one, small, flash drive they'd managed to find inside Hydra's secret hovel. On their journey back Amelia had gone quiet, sitting in the back of the quinjet with her arms wrapped tightly around the grey backpack she'd taken from her bedroom.

Of course she'd had to explain what was inside of it, Tony being the most suspicious that she had something to hide, but as per usual she proved him wrong by taking out the few papers on top of the pile she had in her bag and holding them out for everyone to see. All they displayed was the alphabet and the scruffy handwriting of a child trying to recreate the letters.

"These are all my notes from when I was a kid, I don't know why, but I wanted to take them with me." It was a partial lie. She did know why she was taking them but she didn't want to tell Tony the reason why just yet. Their time inside of Hydra's base had felt like progress, something Amelia wasn't willing to lose over something as silly as a lost memory. That wasn't to say she'd decided to never to ask her brother for help, in fact she knew that it was likely she'd end up needing his help if the papers she'd collected provided no other clues.

After their inspections she was left alone to sit in the shadows of the quinjet, able to rest her head on Steve's shoulder without Tony noticing.

She felt tired. It turned out facing your demons and setting fire to your old home was actually a pretty tiring thing to endure, thankfully during the journey back Steve allowed her to relax against his side, one arm on his lap and the other tired limb on top of his leg, her fingers lazily drawing out shapes on his thigh. His hand had automatically moved to wrap around her shoulders as he leaned his back against the quinjet's wall, closing his own eyes and finding himself unwinding beneath her touch much like how she would underneath his.

It was always nice for them to know that among a world of uncertainties and stresses, they could always find peace in each others arms.

It was a location both of them would have no issue staying in for the rest of their lives but the quinjet had to eventually arrive back at the Avengers tower and Steve was the first one to unwrap his arms from around her, standing up so that she had to drop her hand from his lap. He was still the only one between them who thought Tony shouldn't see them acting so comfortable around each other, that was mostly due to Amelia not realising they were acting 'romantically' around each other, all their affections had come so naturally and felt so right it didn't seem like it was something unique or special.

The group walked from the helipad back to the inside of the building, parting from there. Whilst Clint and Natasha decided they'd go for a drink together and had invited the rest to join them (Natasha leaving to go ask Bruce if he'd join as well), Thor was the only one that took them up on the offer. Tony left to go to his lab so that he could begin working on the flashdrive, and Steve had been quick to reject the offer, stating it was too near his bed time.

Amelia was already walking towards the staircase, her answer very clear as she left the room and ventured back to her shared bedroom, her mind set on one thing and one thing only.

As soon as she was inside the room, door shut, she unzipped her backpack and dropped the papers all over the floor. A cascade of white dropping like a waterfall as she shook the backpack repeatedly. Once it was all over she looked at the pile and for a second felt helpless, there were more papers than she remembered and she didn't know where to start.

The plan was to create a timeline using all the papers she'd collected and see where the note 'DON'T LET THEM MAKE YOU FORGET'' fell among them, then hopefully Amelia would be able to work on her memories from there and narrow down how much of her life she'd forgotten. She could feel it sometimes, whenever she tried to remember 2012, it felt like there was a giant gap in her memories that was so hollow and dark it gave her the same feeling one would get from looking into a bottomless pit.

She improvised from the very beginning, sticking the different papers on the wall in a random order so she could work from there, moving the papers around in an appropriate order. She knew which papers needed to be at the start, they were obviously the ones she'd written on when first learning to write. From there she moved all the way around the walls of the room, accidentally covering most of the floor length window in the room and even having to go over the door to the closet and the door to the bedroom with the papers. Even having to climb on top of the bed to continue creating the timeline.

The notes ended where things became less personal and had more to do with training skills. It was like she was creating her own diary, only when she wrote all those notes Amelia had no idea a diary existed and was just wanting to expel some of her inner thoughts seen as no one but Alexander Pierce talked to her and that was only when she killed. Before that he was just another stranger that watched as she got tortured, she even had a drawing of that moment.

In the middle there was her, recogniseable because she was drawn smaller than all the others, everyone was just a stick figure but Amelia could tell the difference between weapons and limbs, though she wasn't sure if her younger self had. Among a circle of blue stick figures with extra lines coming from their limbs to represent the weapons they carried, was a man with yellow hair, a square box surrounded his body which Amelia guessed was meant to be a suit. They all looked down onto her smaller figure which was laid horizontally on the floor she'd covered in grey crayon. A frown was drawn onto her face.

She tried to dissociate with the drawings she looked at, trying not to let old feelings take control. It would be too self destructive for her taste to just sit and cry over the drawings and all the memories they brought up, and so she moved around the room, slowly but surely building a clearer image of her life inside of Hydra's base.

Whilst sat on the floor looking at two pieces of paper and trying figure which ones should go in front of the other, Steve made an appearance. She shouldn't have been so surprised at his appearance considering that the room was also his and yet the moment he entered she jumped up onto her feet, falling helpless when it came to thinking up an excuse for the humungous mess she'd made.

He opened his mouth, probably about to explain the tray he had in his hand and the food on it, but instead, his eyes caught sight of the papers that covered around the entirety of the wall, creating a white strip around the room with some papers still on the ground. Steve closed his mouth, calmly walking to the bed so that he could place the tray down and then he turned to look at Amelia, hands falling on top of his hips. "Let me hear it," he sighed out the words, ready to hear whatever explanation the would give, knowing it wouldn't be the strangest thing she said to him.

"I was always planning on telling you this, I just want you to know that." She was trying to make herself seem less bad, at least aware that she should have asked first before turning their entire bedroom into some kind of criminal investigation room. Before she carried on with her explanation she rushed to go behind him, finding the note that read 'DON'T LET THEM MAKE YOU FORGET' and then she handed it to him for the soldier to inspect himself, as he was looking at it she tried her best to explain the situation. "I found this in my bedroom, and this isn't the first time I've heard about something happening in 2012 that I don't remember, I don't like that I've forgotten something and I reckon it's Hydra that made me forget. All this," she held up her arms, spinning her body so she could point to all the papers, "they're like diary entries in a way, going from when I learnt to write," she pointed to where the TV was on the wall, the screen completely covered by her handwriting practice notes, the starting point, "to when my life became completely consumed with… the mission." Calling it 'the mission' was easier for her to admit to Steve than saying 'when my life became completely consumed with killing'.

He continued to remain silent, eyebrows scrunched together as he silently observed all the papers, and so she continued. Amelia left again to retrieve the papers she'd been examining on the floor, holding them up for him to see. "I'm trying to create a timeline with all these papers and then maybe I'll be able to narrow down what happened, what they made me forget."

His eyebrows seemed to relax eventually, that was a good sign. Amelia didn't mean to jump straight to feeling guilty, Steve wasn't an angry guy and he would never treat her the way Alexander had, but sometimes it was like she was conditioned to feel like she'd committed a heinous crime whenever she did something for herself. She knew that was the same reason why she struggled so much with telling him about her past, because she knew pain whether it be emotional or physical, and she never wanted to feel it from Steve. She knew Steve hated Hydra, so in order to make sure he never hated her she had to pretend like that part of her had never existed because that part of her, it was Hydra.

Eventually his eyes shuffled over to hers, "do you have any idea what you're looking for?"

"2012," Amelia revealed, eyes brightening when she realised that Steve was going to help her.

This was a big deal for the both of them because this was a part of her past, possibly the darkest part. If he was to help her, Amelia knew that he'd read pages upon pages detailing her killing or being tortured. Despite her fears, despite the conditioning, she was done running away and her past was one of the main things that she would speed away from and never give a second glance. That's just the way she did things, Amelia was either all in or all out. This was her being all in.

And for Steve, it was about damn time.

"That's all?" He asked as he continued to walk his way around the room, analysing all the different pieces of paper and familiarize himself with them all. "Just the year."

"I'm afraid so. After I got recaptured by Hydra, after the car crash, a scientist said something about 2012. I think something must have happened with my powers, perhaps they did some more experimentations on me or I went on a particular mission, it was obviously something they didn't want me to remember which can only mean they did something bad. Really bad." Over by the end of her pile, she found a piece of paper that had too many spelling mistakes to be something she wrote over the age of twenty so she took it off and placed it in a more suiting place in the timeline, meanwhile, Steve returned to analysing the papers in his hands. "It has something to do with me, or I was involved somehow, I'm hoping I'll find more clues by doing this. Events leading up to the moment. Events after the moment. It might even help me narrow down a date."

"2012?" He repeated, raising his head to look at her, an idea lighting up his eyes and it glowed brighter when she nodded her head, "I might be wrong, but I reckon it could have something to do with the alien invasion that happened. That was a pretty big deal for everything, I'm guessing even Hydra."

Her eyes bulged at the mention of the alien invasion. Having not lived through it, it all seemed like some kind of surreal sci-fi story as real as the movies she'd watched (her favourite sci-fi movie was 'Independance Day'). Still, she made a note of what he said because he had a valid point. On the desk in their room she got a post-it note and attached it above all the papers on the wall nearest the ensuite which was where she guessed 2012 would be on her personal timeline.

"There we go," she hummed as she placed the post-it on the wall, turning back to Steve and nervously awaiting what he would say next.

She was very aware of the papers he had in his hand, they weren't an easy read, but they were a part of her being 'all in'. One was a drawing of her with blue people on either side of her as she laid on the floor, their arms raised and weapons in their hands, above in red crayon she had written 'today mor men came to hurt me. Farver ses its my folt and to save myself I just need to kill them. I dont want to hurt peeple like they hurt me.' And on the other one, the drawing of her was finally standing over a body, a weapon raised in front of her with the words 'I killed today farver gave me treets and made me feel good' beneath the drawing.

Slowly, she wandered over towards Steve and took a hold of the drawings in his hands, "I'm trying to figure out when I wrote these. I know my first kill was when I was around five." Her voice fell quieter towards the end of her sentence, feeling uncomfortable with the way she was stripping herself bare for him but it wasn't because of Steve, no, her soldier was being great about everything.

Steve was just stone faced, lip in a straight line with dull blue eyes that gave nothing away, she couldn't tell if he was doubting her as Amelia or if he was angry at the pages before him.

"Where can I help?" He asked, relinquishing the pages to her so that she could place them near the doorway to the bedroom, the entrance being where she perceived her toddler years to have happened.

"You can sort of guess my age from a lot of things, spelling, handwriting. I stopped doing the drawings when I became a teenager. Some of the stuff also has dates on it which are very helpful," she continued to pick up papers off the floor, shuffling through them all trying to spot any of the obvious stuff and as she was doing that her eyes eventually fell on the tray that Steve had brought in with him. Not only did it have what looked to be a delicious cup of hot chocolate on it, but there was also cookies.

It had become a tradition on difficult days to end it with hot chocolate, Amelia wasn't sure when it began, but it had been something over the past year she'd always looked forward to whenever they'd faced adversities.

A smile as warm as the steaming hot chocolate grew on her face and she allowed the papers to drop from her hands back onto the floor, "thank you." The gratefulness carried along with her voice smoothly as she sashayed over to the bed. Dealing with Tony and her past had made Amelia feel as though the year with Steve was in a different world, it felt like they'd left to the real world and she hadn't expected any old traditions to last in it, she was already seeing the differences with Steve cutting down the physical contact between them, so it was nice to see the hot chocolates again.

Steve joined her as she kneeled down onto the floor, sitting himself down so that his back was facing the bed. "No problem, it felt like the right time. I would have made us some yesterday but you ran off."

A blush covered her cheeks as he brought up her freak out yesterday but with the ease of the moment she was able to laugh off the anxiety that had possessed her, moving on from that moment by handing Steve his mug of hot chocolate and clinking it with her own. "Cheers."

"Cheers," Steve reciprocated, bringing the mug to his lips so that he could blow on it.

Meanwhile, Amelia dove straight in, ready to drown herself in the chocolatey goodness, completely ignoring the fact that it was a hot chocolate until she felt the burning sensation on her lips and tongue. She hissed out the pain, dragging the mug further away from herself which Steve quickly took off her so he could place it on the floor and lean forward enough to inspect her wounds. "Every time," she laughed, tears appearing in the corner of her eyes which only drove her to giggle some more at her silly behaviour. She was just too much of an all-in kind of girl.

She enjoyed the sound of Steve's own low chuckle and the way his fingers moved under his chin and the way his warm-day-at-the-seaside blue eyes scoped across her lips. She enjoyed it so much that she went all-in with that too, the temptation overcoming all sense, driving her to lean forward and press her scalding lips against his soft rose petals.

The sensation filled her with more than the burn had, it made her feel more than the burn had. His lips were as soft as his movements, at first. Long gone was the awkwardness of AS09's first kiss, Amelia had watched many movies and knew the way a proper kiss was supposed to go. Even still, the kiss had her heart ringing shrilly in her ears, Amelia's palms went sweaty, but then Steve was deepening the kiss, craning his head to taste more of her and she almost melted against him, cursing herself for waiting so long to kiss him. As soon as Steve felt her relaxing more against him, his tongue poked out to graze along her lower lip, allowing himself one moment of indulgence because even though her lips were chapped they were also warm and tasted like chocolate and felt soft like marshmellows and he wished he could kiss her all the time, the one thing he didn't think about was why he shouldn't.

Amelia's lips parted instinctively, she let Steve in, she wanted Steve so goddamn badly, and the fact that she was kissing him, and was as close as she was to him, made Amelia's heart flutter in her chest.

The kiss quickened in pace, tongues and teeth clashing together in a frantic need and not at all in a graceful way but that was what happened to love when it was kept in chains for over a year, it became less graceful.

A small sigh slipped past her lips and then she was snaking her hands up his chest and around his neck, her fingers twining with the hair at the nape of his neck, wanting to reach up higher and mess up the rest of it.

But it had to stop, Steve needed to stop it, before it went too far. Perhaps it had already gone too far, he'd accepted the kiss, returned the kiss, it wasn't like she'd just forget the kiss. He'd never be able to forget it.

His hand dropped from her chin and both rose to her shoulders, putting enough pressure on them so that she would pull away herself. She breathed heavily, her breath stroking across his lips and calling him back but he refused. "What's wrong?" Amelia asked, the kiss leaving her feeling light-headed and all she could see was the blue of his eyes.

"We can't," he whispered, the words coming out pained and it seemed fitting as her the words caused a deep, unsettling, ache in the bottom of her stomach. "I'm sorry."

She licked her lips, trying to wipe off the taste of him from her. Her hands slid down from his neck, down his chest, trying to commit the shape of his body to memory. And then she rose up onto her feet, stepping back because if she remained as close to him as she was then she wouldn't have been able to hold herself back, "it's okay." The voice that came out wasn't hers, her voice would have screamed out how unfair it was that after a year he still wouldn't let them be together and she still didn't know why. All she could do was come to her own conclusions but they were the worst. He didn't love her because of all the people she killed, because she was a monster. Because she was Hydra's puppet.

"Amelia-"

"No, it's really okay. We'll just forget it happened." That's what he wanted, she had to remind herself, he wanted to just be friends and he'd already given her so much (hot chocolates on bad days, his bed to sleep in, holding her hand whenever nerves arise) that she had no right to make any other demands. That's how it worked right? That's how it had worked with Hydra and her father, they gave her so much (powers, knives, missions) so she had to return the favour by putting what she truly wanted aside.

Steve didn't know how to respond, his guilt dancing with his desires and confusing his mind more as he tried to separate the right thing to do from what he lusted after. Why can't I have her? He thought, trying to create reason after reason but they were just water in his palms, slipping through his fingertips moments later. So instead he went with the worst option out of them all, he didn't say anything.

He just allowed Amelia to throw herself into her work, analysing every single paper as though that would be the one to reveal every single secret because maybe if she could fix her past she could fix whatever the issue was with Steve. Amelia didn't know yet that there was no fixing the past, only learning from it.

Through the night Steve tried to help where he could, the awkwardness of their shared moment never fully disappearing but they'd both perfected the crafts of ignoring their feelings for each other so they could at least work through some papers. The heartache never got easier as they read through the pages, it just became familiar. And eventually, Steve fell asleep.

He'd at least slept on the bed though his legs were hanging off the edge and he still had some papers in his hand when he woke up. The soldiers position had in no way been as bad as the ex-assassin's though as the brunette laid spread eagle on the floor (a position he noticed she'd often go into whenever he left the bed through the night, it made his heart hurt a little bit more when he realised she was unconsciously making sure she wasn't inside of the pit) with numerous pieces of paper stuck to different parts of her skin.

As gently as Steve could he removed all the papers from her body, placing them in a neat pile to the side despite there being a mass amount of sheets that were still scattered on the ground, and then he proceeded to lift her up and put her in the bed.

She stirred awake at the movement, not jumping straight into action as she would once have done but instead making a hoarse groaning sound, hand reaching out until it found Steve. "Shh," he hushed, trying to calm her down with his voice, "go back to sleep, I'm here." As he normally would do, he leant forward and pressed a chaste kiss to her forehead, ignoring the memories that flashed before his mind of last night. It only took a few seconds before she was back to sleep, her mouth open slightly and releasing soft snores.

Once he was sure she was back asleep he left to go for his usual morning run. Though he was aware of her incapability to sleep without him there, the reason he still left in the morning was because he was hoping one day she'd actually be able to sleep without him there.

"Hey Cap," a feminine voice greeted Steve as he was trying to quietly shut the door to his bedroom, making his shoulders tense up.

He didn't respond until he'd finished shutting the door, making sure that any noise he made wouldn't be picked up by the slumbering brunette, he remained still for another second, trying to hear if Amelia had woken up but his sensitive hearing was able to still hear her light snores which had him relaxing profoundly. "Hey Nat," Steve eventually replied, keeping his voice hushed and guiding her further away from the door so he wouldn't have to worry about waking Amelia up.

"Going for your morning run?" Natasha asked, raising an eyebrow towards her friend as she easily coined on to the somber mood he seemed to be experiencing.

Steve wasn't even aware he was displaying a mood, but his heart still felt torn over the night before and for someone as trained as Natasha she was easily able to read it from his distressed tone of voice and glum eyes.

"Uh-huh," the soldier responded, walking off quickly to avoid any more conversation with the red head. He just wanted to run until his chest ached and his legs burned, he needed the distraction or else he'd be constantly revisiting Amelia's lips in his mind, a new form of self-torture for him.

However, the red head wasn't letting him get away that easily. Through making long strides she easily caught up to him and she continued to follow him as he walked, "what's wrong?" She asked as he continued to not look at her, only staring at the elevator in front of him and hoping that it would be quick with its arrival to their floor.

"Nothing," he replied back, the retort feeling lame and fake but he wasn't really up for talking yet.

He'd been right, the response sounded so fake Natasha actually scoffed at it, "trouble in paradise?" She guessed, quirking up an eyebrow curiously. This was something she'd been wanting to ask Steve about since she got to the tower; it had been a while since she'd seen Steve and Amelia, she wanted to know where their relationship had progressed too but she hadn't been able to. She had, however, been able to observe them from afar and she'd certainly noticed some things, like them cuddling up in the back of the quinjet but then whenever anyone else was near Steve was making as much distance as he possibly could between them. She assumed at first that it was because he didn't want Tony to see anything, but it was whenever someone might be able to see. And even then, when they were touching, it was like he was holding himself back. "Is paradise even a thing?"

Finally he looked at her, sending Natasha a 'dont be stupid' look that confirmed everything she'd presumed. "There's no trouble, and there's no paradise," he sighed, knowing that he wouldn't be able to get away from Natasha the moment he reached the elevator, pressed the button, and realised it was on the ground floor.

Her eyes rose to the roof as she scoffed, again, disbelief becoming the only emotion she could feel. "I told you last time I saw you, don't hesitate! Yet you still hesitated," she threw her hands in the air, frustration growing after disappointed. She knew that Steve was good for Amelia and she knew that Amelia was good for Steve, and she hated the fact that they weren't together yet. Maybe, perhaps, a small part of herself was actually angry that she was the one hesitating when it came to the man she undoubtedly loved, but Natasha was choosing Steve and Amelia to get that frustration out on because it was easier.

"I didn't hesitate," Steve argued, "it was just never the right time."

"Yeah, right." Natasha didn't believe him, how could she when she'd been an eye witness to the way he looked at her when Amelia wasn't aware?

However, she didn't know about the moment six months ago, when Steve had been ready to take the next step with Amelia, but then something happened. Something neither Steve nor Amelia wanted to remember. It had been enough to convince Steve that it wasn't the right time, and from then on he was just waiting, hesitating. Steve wasn't even sure what he was waiting for anymore. "She's not ready yet," Steve excused, eyes darkening as a past memory resurfaced.

Natasha could see it, that dark look in his eyes, and the redhead just wished that he'd share with her whatever was going through his mind in that moment because all she wanted to do was help, that, and get him with Amelia as soon as possible. "Are you sure she's the one that's not ready?"

Just as she asked that question a sound from down the hall lifted both their heads up, their eyes spinning around swiftly to spot who had intruded on their conversation and spotting none other than the girl in question, Amelia Stark. Obviously, despite Steve's hopes, she'd woken up, as she always did the moment he left. The brunette had changed into a vest and sweatpants, her 'work out' clothes. Just as she spotted them the elevator arrived and Steve wasted no time getting inside of it, she tried to wave at him to stop it but then she caught sight of his eyes. He had a hollow look in them, it was a stare she'd only witnessed once and when she looked at his expression flashes passed her sight, images of bloodied knives and bloodied hands moving by.

Her hand dropped slowly and Steve looked up at her. Both of them looked sad for a moment as both of them remembered. The soldiers face became cloaked as the elevator door shut completely, leaving Amelia to stand in the hallway, looking forlorn.

Natasha felt confused. Obviously her bringing up them becoming a couple had been a mistake. She could recognise scars on the soul like she could the back of her own hand, because she had many herself. Something had happened, and she guessed that it was something Amelia had done which created tension between them, enough tension that would have Steve holding back from a relationship for over a year. The redhead turned to Amelia, a new mission on her mind as she walked up to the brunette, she acted like nothing had happened, "you going to work out?"

"Um," Amelia tried to recover quickly, pushing aside all the memories that had reared their ugly heads to the side, concentrating on her friend. "Yeah," her voice still sounded weak, dreamy, like she was a ghost. She coughed and cleared her throat, shaking out her hands, "Yes I am, why, you wanting to join?"

"If you wouldn't mind," Natasha smiled.

Amelia shook her head and smirked, "there's nothing like an easy competition to get the blood flowing in the morning."

A/N: I'm so excited and so nervous about the next chapter. But I hope you guys at least liked this one, they kissed, but then Steve's stupid brain got in the way again and just ugh. They're so frustrating. Also, I just want to say right now that I am not a shipper of Bruce and Natasha, I much prefer Clint and Natasha but no, apparently Clint's married with kids so WHATEVER GUESS I'LL WRITE BRUCE AND NATASHA TOGETHER. I hope you guys think I do the relationship justice because I'm attempting to give it actual depth and meaning, unlike AOU which just decided to throw it in your face the same way a dog shits and is like 'owner, clean it up'.

To OfSeashellsandStars, I'm planning to do all the films Cap has appeared in except the First Avenger. And yeah Falcon returns, I'm writing a scene with him rn but there isn't all that much of him in Age of Ultron so there's not much I can do there. And thank you for all the compliments, I'm always worried when I write character's reactions to stuff because I want to make sure I'm staying true to the character so your words mean a lot.

To Hannah Bananan, I have no idea what you're talking about with your comment on chapter 11. I'm guessing it's her being a Stark, but thank you so much for your comments I enjoyed reading them. And yeah, I know what you mean about Steve being made out into an 'uptight humourless sap', I'm trying my best to avoid that damn stereotype. And yeah, whimp OC's just aren't all that fun to write.

To AlexShah, thank you so much for the review! I'm glad you've enjoyed it enough to binge read :)

To BigBangVIP, thank you! And same, he's still apprehensive but seeing her torture chamber gave him a lot to think about and that's what he's doing in this chapter. He's not in the lab doing some big ol' project, he's thinking about her and blaming himself and, eventually, mentally beating himself up for being such an arse to her.

To Sam0728, I'm still trying to decide whether I want Wanda and Amelia to be friends. Their powers are pretty similar (for a reason, btw) and they've both suffered, I reckon if they do become friends it'll sort of be more as a 'little sister' kind of thing. Idk, still figuring it out :)

To BlueBloodsSVUOrder, thank you!

To Unajet, I have not written this scene but yes, totally, that is now canon with this story that he saw training vids and was like 'oh shit'. Also, I just realised I never replied to your message but thanks for it and I've made notes to add some stuff, there is one thing you mentioned that I was literally writing which I found pretty funny.

And a big ol' thanks a lot to the people that read the chapter :) And in advance, I'm so sorry for the next chapter.