Bilbo sighed as he settled down to take on his turn at the watch. Almost the entirety of the company tried to take over his watch for him after what he had done for their king, but he refused to make things unfair by giving up his turn at night watch. Even Dwalin, who had first watch when Bilbo had last watch, suggested that he be woken instead and Nori had attempted to quietly take it without Bilbo ever knowing. It was only lucky that Bilbo happened to have a nightmare that woke him just as he was supposed to be taking watch. It had been one of those ones that deeply shake a person, he had dreamt that he had to watch as all of his dwarves succumbed to death, and he wouldn't be able to fall back asleep anyway, which is how he convinced Nori to jest let him have his watch.
"Can I sit with you laddie?" Balin said as he came over.
"Of course," Bilbo replied calmly, though he didn't feel very calm at all. He had a feeling that he knew what was just about to happen.
"Can I sit with you laddie?" an old dwarf came to stand by Bilbo as he spent a day out on the parapets enjoying the sun. He was quickly degrading and it had been a struggle just to pull himself out of bed to come out there with the Sickness running through his body since the day before and his heart broken the day before that. He'd even had to have Taran help him out and he knew he didn't have that much time left and he wanted to enjoy as much of it as possible before he became to weak from Sickness to do so.
"Of course," he nodded. He didn't immediately recognize the dwarf who was sitting next to him, but when he did he couldn't help but wonder why he was there talking to him. Bilbo had seen this very dwarf by the prince's side during open court before and he knew that he must be Prince Thorin's advisor.
"I suppose that I should introduce myself," the old dwarf said. "Balin, at your service."
"Haran, at yours and your family's," Bilbo replied with a slight nod of his head.
"It is very good to finally meet you," Balin smiled. "I have heard much about you."
"Really?" Bilbo raised an eyebrow. He found that a little hard to believe, but he supposed that Prince Thorin probably would have complained about him at least a little when he was "stalking" the dwarf, as Thorin had called it. Or maybe he had the Prince had asked his advisor about the best way to get rid of Bilbo, though that was a little harder to believe since Bilbo didn't think Balin would ever suggest calling Bilbo out in such a way as Thorin had done in the Marketplace only a couple of days before.
"Indeed," Balin nodded. "Thorin does speak about you a great deal. He told me that you are an archer and that you are very good. Even better than the elves, he said."
"That certainly is not true," Bilbo replied. It was rather strange, though, that what Thorin had said was so complimentary, but after he thought about it for a moment Bilbo decided that Balin was just softening the prince's words. Prince Thorin had probably been complaining that his Intended had to be someone who chose a weak weapon like the elves and Balin was twisting it to meet his own needs. It was probably an attempt to make Bilbo feel better, but it was only making his chest hurt more. He coughed into his hand a bit, hoping to alleviate some of the pain, but it only made things worse as it made him feel like he needed to cough again. "I don't mean to be rude, but what is it that you want from me? I don't think that the Prince's Advisor would just sit down and start a conversation with some random person without at least some reason."
Balin's face grew serious and he nodded slowly in acquiescence. "I was wondering if you ever planned to tell Thorin about it."
"About what?" Bilbo asked even though he thought he had some idea. Taran had asked him the same question around when he was first Rejected.
"About how much his Rejection is hurting you."
Bilbo sighed and looked back out at the land before the mountain. "No. I do not want him to know."
"Why ever not?" Balin asked. "I am sure that if he knew what pain he was causing you, he would do everything in his power to fix it."
Bilbo couldn't stop a sad little smile from forcing its way onto his face as he shook his head. "I wanted for him to Accept me willingly. Not because he pitied me for feeling pain, but because he actually liked me."
"Wanted?" Balin raised a brow.
"He has made it quite clear that he wants nothing to do with me. As his intended or otherwise." Bilbo decided he didn't want to have this conversation anymore and so he tried to stand and go, but Balin put a hand on his shoulder before he could.
"What will you do when the Sickness hits you?" he asked, which Bilbo thought was a little funny. Anyone who knew that Bilbo had been Rejected had always asked "if," but Balin was so perceptive that he knew it was "when" not "if."
"Then I shall suffer through it until the end," Bilbo replied with the same answer he gave everyone else who had asked him such a thing.
Balin looked resigned, but he nodded and let his hand slip from Bilbo's shoulder so he could get up. Unfortunately, the moment Bilbo stood with every intention of walking away looking strong, he became light headed and his knees buckled beneath him. It was lucky that Balin was there to catch him and the older dwarf slowly lowered him down onto the floor. "You are already suffering the Sickness aren't you?" Bilbo forced his eyes opened and saw that Balin's own had become wide and concerned.
"It is merely a fever," Bilbo shook his head. "It will go away soon enough."
Balin opened his mouth to say something else, but he was interrupted as Taran rushed over calling Bilbo's dwarven name. "I told you you shouldn't have come out here when you were so sick," he frowned once he had ascertained that Bilbo was comparatively fine. "I'm so sorry about this," he said to Balin. "My little brother is terribly ill and I shouldn't have let him come out here until he was better." Both brothers knew that Bilbo would have tried to do it anyway, which is why Taran had agreed to it at all, but that didn't stop his brother from complaining about it.
"It's fine," Balin said with a polite smile. "I was glad to finally have this chance to speak to him after hearing so much about him. You should probably take him home. He doesn't look very good at all."
"Thank you," Taran said with a polite nod.
"Have a good day," Bilbo said as his brother helped him to his feet. Whatever Thorin said about him, he wanted Balin to know that he was in no way a rude dwarf. He could give a proper farewell even when he was sick.
Balin nodded at him with sad eyes that even Bilbo could make out through his bleary sight and Taran took him home where he would lay in bed for the rest of his days.
"You aren't going to tell him are you?" Balin asked, cutting straight to the chase this time.
"Tell who what?" Bilbo asked, hoping that he was wrong about what the old dwarf's next words would be.
"Haran," Balin gave a stern look and Bilbo sighed.
"I don't understand how you all keep figuring me out. I thought I was doing a very good job of hiding it."
"It is my job to be perceptive," Balin shrugged, "which is why that statement will not distract me from my original question."
Bilbo sighed again and slumped over himself. "I don't really know," he said after a moment's thought. "Right now, neither of us can be distracted by this whole thing. It is enough already that I have all these memories in my head confusing me. I don't want anyone else, especially Thorin, to have to deal with it too."
"Has it occurred to you that we might want to help?" Balin asked kindly.
Bilbo laughed softly. "Of the four people that have found out about me, everyone has wanted to help me, but it just feels wrong. When I first got my memories back, I wanted so badly to be who I was, but the more people start treating me like I am who I as the more I wish that I could just be who I am now. It's just so confusing."
"I understand," Balin nodded, "but perhaps you should stop thinking of the two as separate entities. You are who you are. The others will understand that as soon as you understand it yourself."
"But will they really accept me once they know what I was. Everyone knew me in my past life and they'll expect me to be just the same."
"I have been watching your interactions with the dwarves of this company and I don't think that their treating of you have changed too much. If I'm correct, I would say that Fili, Kili, Dwalin, Nori, and Bifur as well as myself are the only ones who actually know about your past life."
"Bifur?" Bilbo cut in without meaning to. He hadn't even known that Bifur had recognized him.
"Of course," Balin nodded. "Bifur can only speak in Khuzdul, but he has spoken to you before when you were distracted and you answered him without a thought about it. He and I were the only ones close enough to hear it, but Bifur is just as perceptive as I am since his injury has made it harder for him to communicate. Now, as I was saying, none of them have really started treating you very differently. Fili and Kili have only started calling you Uncle and listening to your word with a bit more respect, but that could also come from just spending a lot of time with you on this company as you were doing before they even found out about you. Dwalin and Nori are the most drastic changes with them trying to protect you more, but they would do that for anyone who had risked their lives so willingly for our King. True, they're trying a little bit harder than they would for a stranger, but you have become our friend throughout this journey, so that is hardly a factor. We would not give such trust to anyone even if they wound up being the Intended of the King until they earned it. As for Bifur and I, you haven't even noticed us treating you differently even though we both noticed some time ago. I don't think it's our way of treating you that has changed, but your way of perceiving it. You believe that we'll treat you differently when we find out about your past life, so that is how you see it."
Bilbo had to think this over for some time before he finally grinned at his own stupidity. Balin was right. No one was really treating him differently at all. It was all just in his head. "I don't know what it is about you that makes me talk so easily," Bilbo said. Balin had always had that affect on both him and Thorin and he could never understand how. It was always good, though, as Balin was the best one to go to to sort out the very rare fights that they had because of simple misunderstandings. "But thank you."
"You're welcome of course," Balin nodded. "I have to ask, though. Are you afraid if you tell Thorin that he will treat you like he used to or that he won't?"
"I don't know," Bilbo shook his head. The truth was that he was afraid of both. What if Thorin found out about him, but only wanted him to be Haran? Someone that he had already tried and failed to be completely like. What if he told Thorin and was Rejected once more because he wasn't Haran? It had been hard enough to get him to accept him as a dwarf; he didn't even know if it would be possible now with him as a Hobbit.
"I think you should at least give him a chance," Balin said before standing, patting his shoulder lightly, and walking over to his bedroll.
Bilbo slumped even farther into himself at that thought. He wanted to give Thorin the chance, he really did, but he was just so afraid about what that would lead to. There were so many things that could go wrong, even more so on a journey like this, for only a slight chance of happiness. Bilbo just couldn't risk it. Not now.
Possibly not ever.
AN: So this one got a lot more introspective and emotional then I was really expecting it to be. I hope you guys enjoyed it anyway. I'll start back up on the adventure on this next chapter. Please feel free to comment and review as it will all help me improve my writing.
PS. To Lady Alaniel and any other guest who has commented and will comment on this story. I love you all and all the comments that you send me. Thank you so much!