A/N: I'm baaaack! Hope you like it!

Alex threw the glass across the room with a scream and when it shattered, she picked up the next nearest object. Matt, coming in from outside, jumped as glass flew around him, his eyes wide.

"Alex?!"

She didn't answer, instead picking up a book and hurling it away from herself. Matt cautiously made his way over to her and when he was near enough, he reached for her.

"Alex..."

She jerked back, her eyes frantic, and Matt frowned.

"What's wrong?"

She reached for another object and Matt caught her arm as she brought it back. She tried to pull free, but his grip was too tight. After a few seconds, she stopped resisting him and let her arm fall. She sank down onto the floor and rested her head in her hands. Matt knelt next to her and looked at her worriedly.

"What's wrong?"

She pointed in the direction of the bathroom and suddenly he understood.

"The scale?"

She nodded and he wrapped his arms around her. He watched her carefully for a few moments before standing. Alex frowned and when he returned with the scale in his hands, the frown only intensified.
"What are you-"

He tossed the scale into the rubbish bin and she jumped at the sound. She ran to him, eyes wide, and her voice was panicked.

"Matt! What are you doing?! I need that."

He shook his head.

"You don't. If you keep obsessing over the number, you'll never get better."

She tried to reach around him and pull the scale free, but he never gave her a chance. He took her wrist and led her back into the living room, hoping to calm her. She wrenched her arm free and pushed past him into the bedroom. The door slammed shut and he stared at it dumbly for nearly a minute. When he pushed it open and found her curled up on the bed, body shaking from silent sobs, he frowned.

"What is it?"

"You wouldn't understand."

He sat down next to her and began stroking her hair. She didn't move, and while it wasn't a good sign, it certainly wasn't a bad one.

"Can you try to explain it to me?"

She shook her head slowly.

"I...I don't know if I've ever been good enough. I feel like my head is caving in."

"I know, love. But...I know you might not believe this, but you're perfect to me. "

Alex sighed and tried to control her breathing. Matt placed a hand on her shoulder and when his phone rang, Alex jumped. He answered it shortly, and when he heard a familiar voice on the other end, he handed it over to the shaking woman next to him.

"H-hello?"

"Alex! How are you?"

She nearly dropped the phone in shock.

"Karen?"

"Yeah! I'm sorry I won't be back in time for Christmas on Tuesday, but I wanted to say hi."

"Oh...How are things in America?"

"Good. I miss you guys, though."

"We miss you, too."

Alex felt an intense feeling of sadness wash over her and she wiped the tears from her face. Matt rubbed her back soothingly, and when she handed the phone back to him a few minutes later, he kissed her cheek softly. She stood up and made her way into the kitchen, her steps shaky. The thoughts in her head were racing, each one louder and more incoherent than the last. Finally, she opened the refrigerator and took out the bottle of wine that rested on the bottom shelf.

"Alex?"

She turned slowly and Matt frowned at the bottle in her hand.

"What's wrong?"

Her head shook.

"I just need something to smooth out the edges. Nothing big."

She side-stepped him and went into the bedroom, closing the door behind her. Matt stared at the door for a moment and then sat down on the couch, pulling out his phone.

"Hey, Arthur? Are you busy?"

"Not really. Why?"

"Just wondering if you'd like to come have dinner with Alex and me."

"Oh. I can't, Matt. I've got plans. I'm sorry."

Matt frowned.

"It's okay. It was just an idea. Alex isn't doing as good as I'd hoped and I thought we might be able to help."

Arthur offered his apologies again and Matt sighed. He wished he knew of something that would make things easier. Alex had seemed so down lately, and he was worried that she might be falling back into old habits. Surely there was something he could do.

Alex covered her head with the blankets and closed her eyes tightly. Nothing she did seemed to stop the thoughts racing in her mind. The wine she'd consumed had helped somewhat, but it was nowhere near enough. She threw the blankets off her head and searched the room desperately. Her eyes landed on the bottle of anti-anxiety medication she'd been given and she mentally kicked herself. Of course! She grabbed the bottle and shook out a handful of pills, not bothering to count. She tossed them back and laid back down, waiting. Her eyes began to grow heavy and she pulled the blanket up again, trying to make herself as small as possible. Soon, she found herself falling toward the wonderful silence she had been craving for so long. Soon, she no longer cared about anything except the blackness encircling her.

Matt pushed open the door to the bedroom and when his eyes landed on Alex's sleeping form, he smiled. He hoped she was getting some much needed rest and he sat down softly next to her. He hated to wake her, but it was getting late and she hadn't eaten anything all day. Watching her for a few moments longer, he finally reached out to touch her shoulder gently.

"Alex? Wake up, love."

She didn't move and he frowned.

"Alex?"

He shook her a bit harder, but still she didn't move.

"Alex? Alex, wake up."

He felt for her pulse, finding it weak and slow, and swore. Her breathing was so shallow that he could hardly see her chest move and he shook her again. Her eyes flickered open, hazy and unfocused, and shut again before he could speak.

"Alex! Come on, love. Don't do this, don't you dare."

Her eyes opened again and he tapped her cheek with his fingers.

"Come on, Kingston, stay with me. Look at me."

She blinked and when she whispered his name, Matt closed his eyes in relief. He gathered her into his arms and held her against his chest tightly, kissing her hair over and over.

"Don't die on me, Kingston. Not here. Not while I still need you around. And I'll always need you, so don't get any ideas."

"Matt?"

He leaned back to look down at her. Her skin was paler than he'd ever seen it, and her eyes were still glassy.

"Yeah?"

"W-what happened?"

"I don't know. I couldn't wake you. I was terrified."

He kissed her forehead and held her as closely as he could. She pulled back to look up at him and weakly raised a hand to his cheek. He kissed her palm and placed her gently back down on the bed. He watched her for a moment before standing, reluctantly letting her hand fall. Just as he reached the door, her quiet voice stopped him and he turned.

"I remember. I-I took my anti-anxiety pills. Something must have happened."

Matt frowned.

"How many did you take?"

"I don't know," she admitted, "I didn't count them."

He sighed and she could feel the exhaustion radiating from him.

"Alex...please. Be careful. I can't lose you."

She nodded and he turned again, closing the door behind him. She couldn't help but feel like he was giving up on her, and she buried herself in the blankets once more.

Alex hurriedly locked the bathroom door and as soon as she had thrown her hair back in a clip, she stuck her fingers down her throat. She coughed, feeling the muscles in her stomach tighten, and when she coughed again, she felt a bit more triumphant. As she watched her food make its reappearance, she felt a strange sense of calm settle over her. The oils of the food separated from the water, and she began again. When she felt that she had gotten all of the offending food out of her body, she rinsed her mouth and washed her hands.

She could hear the television in the other room and she was grateful that Matt hadn't heard. She'd already decided that if he was going to force her to eat, then she would, but he had never said anything about it staying in her body. She pulled out her phone and sent a text to Adrienne, hoping that the younger girl wasn't busy.

hey Alex!

Hey. Busy?

nah, just reading.

Anything good?

read it b4. you ok?

Alex stopped to consider the question. Was she okay? Her first instinct was to say yes, but she wasn't sure. Still, she didn't want to worry her.

Yeah. I'm good. You?

same. had a rough morning.

What happened?

looked at the scale.

Eww. Matt tossed mine out earlier this week.

seriously?!

Yep.

woah, harsh.

Anyway, I just wanted to check in. Sorry for bothering you.

np. stay safe, Alex. hit me up if you need.

Alex ran a hand through her tangled hair and sighed. Yes, the slight distraction had helped, but it still wasn't enough. She made her way into the living room and tapped Matt on the shoulder. He turned and flashed her a smile.

"Hey, love. What's up?"

"Can we talk?"

"Sure. Is something wrong?"

She shook her head.

"I don't know. I can't-I can't stop the thoughts in my head. It's so loud and it's driving me mad. I tried to sleep, but there's too much going on. I texted Adrienne, and that helped a bit, but now I don't know what to do."

Matt took her hand and led her around the couch to sit next to him. She refused to look at him, instead focusing her attention on her hands.

"Would you like to tell me what's going on in your head?"

She was silent for a moment and Matt quickly backpedaled.

"You don't have to. If you think it would help, I'm always here to listen."

"Matt?"

"Hmm?"

"How old do you see yourself being? Forty? Sixty? Ninety?"

"I-I don't know. Why?"

She sighed.

"I can't really picture myself living to be much older than I am right now. I'm not sure if I particularly want to. It's just...so overwhelming, the thought of living so long."

"I know it's hard. It's been especially hard in the last few years, but...Alex, I love you. And I think you love me. We can get through this. We've already come this far."

Alex took his hand.

"Of course I love you. I don't want to ever be without you, but...I can't help thinking that you'd be better off without me."

Matt placed his hand under her chin and raised her eyes to his.

"Look at me, Kingston. There is nothing you could do that would make me love you less. Well, unless you had an affair or something, but other than that...nothing. I will always love you, and I'm always going to be here when you need me. No matter what happens."

"But...everything I've done to you...I've caused you more pain than I can stand."

Miraculously, she wasn't crying, but her voice was so quiet that he could hardly hear. He brushed her hair back from her face and looked at her seriously.

"Did you do it to deliberately hurt me? Are you doing all of this just to spite me?"

"No, of course not."

He smiled somewhat sadly.

"Exactly. If you were actively trying to hurt me or just to get back at me for something, then yes. I would be a bit angry at you. Probably more than a bit. Alex, you're sick. Whether you like it or not, this is an illness. It isn't something that you can stop at the drop of a hat. It took me awhile to see that, but it's true. You're going to get better, but it's going to take time. Try to be patient with yourself. Isn't that what you told Adrienne in your letter? It's the same for you. Cut yourself some slack, Kingston. You're doing your best, and that's all anyone can ask for."

She should have told him. Very nearly did tell him, but she couldn't bring herself to hurt him any more than she already had. If he knew that she'd just thrown up or that she had been for weeks, months, even...well, she couldn't think about that. She kissed him softly and when he deepened the kiss, she gasped. She threaded her fingers through his hair and when his lips grazed her throat, her grip tightened. He kissed her lips again and tipped her head back, using her hair as leverage.

"I love you."

His breath was warm and his lips brushed against her ear. She shivered and kissed his throat lightly.

"I love you, too," she murmured, her voice low.

He pulled back to look at her and when he tried to move his hand, he frowned.

"Um...Alex?"

"What?" she asked, a bit breathlessly.

"Your hair is holding my hand hostage. Again."

Alex laughed.

"Again? It's only happened once before."

Matt sighed and tried to maneuver his hand.

"Hold still. I'll be careful."

Several minutes later, Matt's hand was finally free and Alex took it in her own.

"Maybe I should straighten it. Then your hands wouldn't get stuck."

Matt pulled his hand away and brushed her hair back, gathering it together and using it to pull her closer. He trailed his lips up and down her throat, pausing only once.

"Don't you dare," he whispered, "I love your hair just the way it is. It's wild and gorgeous. Just like you."

He pinned her hands above her head and kissed her again, running his tongue over her bottom lip. She gasped as he moved his position so that he was leaning over her, pushing her carefully onto her back. As his fingers slipped underneath the hem of her shirt, she moaned, trying to break free of his other hand holding her wrists. When he lightly ghosted his lips over hers, she sighed in frustration. Each time she tried to kiss him, he pulled away, and tightened his grip on her struggling wrists.

"Damn it, Matt."

"What?" he asked innocently.

She raised up to kiss him and he pulled away with that almost-arrogant smirk that she loved so much. Again, the pressure on her hands intensified, and she glared at him.

"Matt, let me kiss you."

He shook his head and brushed his lips over hers in the barest imitation of a kiss. Still, she struggled against him and he placed his lips along the base of her throat. She moaned as he kissed her and when his free hand traced over her ribs, she shivered underneath him.

"Please...sweetie, please let me touch you."

"Only if you admit it."

"Admit what?" her voice was a gasp of air.

"That you want me."

He moved his free hand along her inner thigh, not touching her bare skin, and she could feel her resolve weakening. She tried again to break free and when he kissed her stomach, she couldn't stop the shudder that ran the length of her body.

"Do you want me?"

"No," she answered petulantly.

He kissed her throat again, lingering over her racing heartbeat, and when he brushed his lips against hers before pulling back, he smirked again.

"Do you want me?"

Again, he lingered on her pulse point, and when her head fell back, she moaned, her eyes slipping closed.

"Answer me."

For the third time, he repeated his question, and she looked up at him with an expression he couldn't name.

"Yes."

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, I want you."

Matt kissed her and as his lips crashed against hers, he released his hold on her wrists. One hand wound into his hair and the other slipped underneath his shirt. She slid his shirt over his head and tossed it aside as he kissed her over and over. Her own shirt followed seconds later and she gasped as he reached up to unhook her bra. Just as his fingers found the clasp, a loud knock at the door caused them both to jump. They frantically scrambled for their discarded clothing and when they were both fully clothed again, Matt opened the door.

"Hey! What's up, guys?"

Alex looked at Matt, confused. If he'd known that Arthur was going to come by, he'd given no indication.

"Hi, Arthur. What are you doing here?"

"I thought that since I wasn't able to go to dinner with you guys a few days ago, maybe we could go now."

Matt ran his hand through his hair, unsure of what to say.

"Did I—is this a bad time? We can always go another time."

"Well, it's just...now might not be the best time."

Arthur took in Matt's disheveled hair, his laboured breathing, and Alex's slightly swollen lips and suddenly he understood. He stepped back, eyes wide, and began apologising profusely.

"It's okay, Arthur. We can go tomorrow if you like."

"Okay," he looked past Matt and waved, "I'm so sorry, Alex."

Alex waved, laughing slightly.

"It's okay, sweetie. No harm done."

As soon as the door had locked behind him, Matt turned to her, a deliciously wicked look in his eyes.

"Sorry for the interruption, love. Now, shall we pick up where we left off?"

Alex shook her head.

"Not quite, darling."

Matt frowned and Alex took his hand, guiding him down the hallway. She sat down on the bed and he joined her, his lips immediately finding hers. He pushed her back onto the bed and made quick work of her shirt, tossing his own over his shoulder. Her hands blazed a path over his chest and when her nails dug into his skin, he moaned. Their remaining clothing lay in a pile on the floor and he entered her quickly but carefully.

Unlike the last time he had touched her, this was gentler, slower, more controlled. Gone was the burning need to work out their frustration and anger, leaving only the desire for closeness. Each kiss was fueled by a different sort of fire than they had previously held. She whispered his name and he pulled her bottom lip between his teeth, eliciting a low moan that made him shake. He could feel her getting closer to the edge, and he gave her one of the deepest kisses he'd ever given. When he pulled back, he made sure that he could see her eyes before he spoke.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you, too."

Seconds later, they both went over the edge and Matt rested his forehead against Alex's, kissing her softly. She weakly reached up to brush his hair out of his face and when he noticed her hand shaking, he frowned.

"What's wrong, love? Are you okay?"

It was normal for her to feel a bit shaky after sex, but this seemed to be something more. She wasn't going to tell him, though, and she smiled instead.

"I'm fine, sweetie. Just a little tired."

Matt looked at her for a moment, trying to decide if he believed her. If he'd hurt her somehow, he knew he'd never forgive himself.

"If you're sure..." he said doubtfully.

He pulled her into his arms and kissed her hair.

"You'd tell me if I hurt you, right?"

"Of course. I'm okay."

Alex settled into his embrace and he absentmindedly wrapped a strand of her hair around his finger. She was beginning to fall asleep and Matt watched her worriedly.

"I love you so much, Alex."

Alex was pacing in the bedroom, trying everything she could think of to distract herself. She could feel her anxiety growing with every step and she desperately wished for Matt. He'd gone out to buy last minute Christmas gifts, and the urge to cut was calling to her like a siren. She pulled out her phone, dialing Matt's number, hoping that talking to him would be enough. The endless ringing finally gave way to Matt's voicemail, and she nearly sobbed. She left him a message, trying to be as calm as she could, but it was proving difficult.

"Hey, it's me...um, give me a ring as soon as you can. I—I really need to talk to you. Please. I love you."

She hung up, staring at the phone in her hand, trying to think of someone else she could talk to. Adrienne was at an appointment, Arthur was with Matt, and Karen...well, she was much too far away to help. She scrolled through the contacts in her phone and paused on a name she had never used before. She didn't quite feel comfortable calling, but she thought perhaps a text would be better. Sighing, she decided to take a leap of faith.

Hey, Jodie. It's Alex. Can you talk?

She waited for an answer, assuming she would receive one, and began pacing again. A few seconds later, her phone chimed and she opened the message.

sure. everything ok?

Not really. Matt's not here and I really need to talk to someone.

what's up?

I really want to cut myself, but I don't want to hurt Matt.

oh...i didn't know you did that. um...how can I help?

Alex frowned. How did she expect Jodie to help? She didn't really have an answer, and she tried in vain to think of one. Her phone chimed again and she glanced down.

Alex? I can come over if you want.

No, it's okay. I just needed to tell someone. I'm okay now.

The ringing of her phone in her hand startled her and she swore. She answered it quickly, her voice a bit raspy.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Hey, Jodie. Yes, I'm okay."

"Do you—can I ask why you do it? I just...I've never met someone who does, but I've heard about people doing it."

"Oh...um...it—it helps me calm down. When my thoughts won't stop, when things get really overwhelming, if I have an extremely bad day...it helps make it easier."

"Have you thought about other things to calm down? Things that aren't so...dangerous? I mean, you could die, Alex."

Alex shrugged and as she opened her mouth to answer, a beeping sound interrupted her train of thought. She looked down at her phone and felt her heart beat faster.

"Jodie, I have to go. I'm so sorry. Matt's calling me."

She ended her call and accepted Matt's, hardly able to contain her relief.

"Alex? Are you okay? What's wrong?"

"I'm...I'm okay now. I really wanted to cut and I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry I worried you."

"You didn't, did you?"

"No, I—I texted Jodie, actually. I was on the line with her when you called."

Matt let out a sigh of relief and she could almost see his smile.

"Good. I'm proud of you. I won't be long now. We're on our way back to the flat and then we can go to dinner."

Alex smiled. She spoke to him for a few more minutes and when she hung up, she began typing.

Thanks so much for your help, Jodie.

anytime. anything else bothering you?

Any advice on how to tell someone something rather upsetting?

give me a mo...and an example.

I want to tell Matt that I've been purging.

oh. I'm not sure. just be honest and tell him that you'd like his support.

Thanks.

Alex sighed, going into the bathroom to begin applying her makeup. If she was going to dinner with Matt and Arthur, she'd have to make herself look presentable. She carefully applied her lipstick, thinking about Jodie's advice. Maybe she was right. Being honest was the best option. She only hoped she was making the right decision.

A/N: Please review.