December 31, 2009
My dearest Bella,
Talking to you this week was the highlight of my year, probably even my entire incarceration. I look forward to the next time I can hear your voice. Maybe I can call you again when I'm out of here. It would be nice not to have to spend so much or have a time limit. Would that be all right?
I would have written sooner, but I was holding on to the dream that I'd have good news to deliver. So far, nothing. Maybe the parole board has been busy over the holidays. It's probably a good thing I didn't get released before Christmas anyway. Being here is what's familiar. The day is different than the rest somehow, and if I were out on my own, it might have been depressingly lonely. I think I'll be okay if they deny me. Don't get me wrong, I don't want that to happen, but I believe I'm strong enough to handle it. I'm tired of waiting. At this point, I just want to know.
I had never had any prior arrests before moving to Washington if that's what you're asking. That's not to say I was an angel by any means. I wasn't a bad kid. I always did well in school, and I was meticulous with my college work, but with all the discipline I needed an outlet, so I rebelled. I stole to get money for drugs. I drank and smoked. Technically I lived with my father while I went to college because I couldn't afford to move out, but I was seldom home. He paid my tuition because my mom had set up an account for me before she died, but he always resented that I went to school for music instead of a "real career." He never hesitated to tell me how disappointed he was either. When I graduated, he kicked me out. I came home one day and everything I owned was gone. My room had been converted to a study. Our relationship prior to that had been rocky, but that was the moment I gave up completely. The next time I spoke to him was three years later, after I had been arrested. I reached out to him, but he refused to help. He said I had to learn my lesson, it was a long time coming, I deserved what I got, etc. Sometimes I'd like to think he would have helped had he known the severity of the outcome. Then again, the fact that he hasn't written in the past 11 years says a lot about just how much he doesn't care.
I don't think I'll have a problem with drugs when I get out. Yes, I was forced into sobriety, but it's been a long time and a very eye-opening experience. Fortunately I don't crave the high, physically or mentally. To be honest, I'm worried about being in a position where I have to take prescription painkillers, like if I have surgery or injure myself. There are precautions I can take, but hopefully it's a bridge I won't have to cross. Sometimes I still crave cigarettes. I don't intend to start smoking again, but if I do, at least I won't end up back in prison over it. Why was I carrying a gun? Because I was stupid and thought it was cool. I'm sure I found some way to justify why it was a necessity at the time.
Your dad is going to love me.
How did your finals go? I forgot to ask. I hope they weren't as bad as you thought they'd be. What are you going to do with all your free time now?
You're probably at your friend's party as I write this. I wish I could be there with you. I've always loved New Year's Eve. There's something about celebrating the close of the year with friends and looking forward to new a beginning that is very uplifting. I feel like it's a big analogy for my life right now.
Please don't apologize for doing something nice for me. I know you meant well, and I'm glad it made you happy. I would like to return the favor someday. If you ever need anything, I promise to be there for you. All you have to do is ask.
I've told you before Bella, I'll never ignore you. You are worth every bit of effort. I would never give up on our friendship or stop writing because you pushed me too hard. My guard is up, but only because you're the one person who can hurt me. Knowing more about me was obviously important to you, and I would be a fool not to do everything in my power to make you more comfortable around me. You have changed my life for the better. Believe me when I say I'd do anything for you.
Happy New Year, Bella. I wish you the very best.
Always,
Edward