EPOV
I've never been so tired in my life. My mother has used me as her own personal house slave for the past two and a half weeks. She's had me move furniture, clean out closets, flip mattresses, remove and dust the light fixtures and whatever else she deems worthy. It's not even noon on a Saturday and I'm covered in sweat and dirt and currently lying flat on my back staring at the rafters of our attic. I've made so many trips up the back stairs; I should have claves as big as Emmett's by now. I didn't realize we had so much junk. God it's hot up here. I wipe the back of my hand across my mouth and immediately regret it. I spit the dust and grime away from my lips before returning to my prone position.
"Come on Edward! I need the last of these boxes loaded in the car to take to Goodwill! Let's go!" I groan at the sound of mom's screeching from the bottom of the stairs. Before I can stand, my Dad's face appears in my vision.
"You look disgusting." He smirks as he takes a sip of coffee.
"Thanks. Blame mom."
"No one to blame but yourself, buddyro." Great, Dad's feeling folksy. Well, shit.
"Just shoot me and put me out of my misery." I groan as I lean up and shake the dust and cobwebs from my hair. Damn, I stink.
"Come on, take a shower and pack for camping."
"Sir?" I question as I rise to my feet.
"You and I are going camping."
"Just me and you? Not Emmett?"
"Nope. Just me and you. I think it's time."
"Time for what?"
"You'll find out. Go change. You stink."
"But..." I look at the last two boxes of junk I'm supposed to be carrying downstairs.
"I'll clear it with mom. Go. We'll hike up to the spot." I nod and head downstairs to the shower. I make it halfway down the hall before I see Emmett in his doorway. He must have just woken up. Lucky bastard. Before I make it past him he starts scratching his nuts.
"Nasty ass." I curse him as I shove him in the shoulder on my way past.
"Douche." He snarls before following me down the hall in just his boxers. "What's mom got you doing today?" He snickers as he stretches.
"She made me clean out the attic. She woke my ass up at 6 this morning."
"What are you doing now? Think she'll let you work on the Jeep with me?"
"Nah, Dad and I are going camping." Emmett stops at my door and cocks his head to the side.
"Just you and Dad?"
"That's what he said. He said it was time. Whatever that means." I look up from my dresser and see a weird grin spread across his face. "What?"
"Oh shit, man. He's gonna give you the talk."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"The talk. THE talk." Emmett starts to gesture with his hands like he's deranged.
"The talk? The sex talk? We've had that talk." God that was painful. Very descriptive. Dr. Cullen even broke out the medical books on that one.
"No, no. That was the mechanics. This one…this one will change your life. Dude, take a fucking tape recorder. Take notes. Hell, video tape that shit."
"Em, what the hell are you talking about?"
"Dad's going to give you the sex talk…well, it's more like the 'How to have sex with a woman' talk." Emmett is practically vibrating he's so excited. He shoves me farther into my room and looks around like he's some sort of spy or something.
"What the hell, Em?!"
"Dude, just trust me. Our dad…he's a fucking rock star."
"You're not making any sense." I shrug his hand off my arm and take a step back.
"Oh, it will. You remember when Dad let us cut down all those trees in the back yard to build a fort and mom went ape shit. Remember how the next day she was all sweet and smiling and junk."
"Yeah, Dad said he talked to her and made her understand that we were using our manly design skills to build."
"No, he…well, you'll find out. Just take notes, man. Trust me."
"You're freaking me out."
"Oh no, this is going to make your fucking life. Literally! Why do you think I've got a girlfriend like Rosalie? Just listen to dear ole dad."
"Fine, whatever. I'm taking a shower." Emmett slaps me on the shoulder and laughs like an idiot before heading downstairs. I think mom dropped him on his head as a baby.
The hike to our family's favorite camping spot was nice. The air was cool and when dad and I are together we don't feel the need to fill the silence. We both just enjoy the peace and quiet of the woods. We set up our tent, deciding to share the larger one that we own. It took us a few hours to get up here and to get things set up. Dad's got the fire going and I'm leaned up against one of the old logs we use as seats whenever we come here. I close my eyes and let the wind blow across my face. It's so nice here. I'm actually a little excited to just spend time with Dad. It's rare that it's just me and him. Unfortunately, my peace is short lived.
"So, you and Bella are getting pretty serious, huh?" Oh shit.
"Um…well, we uh…"
"I'm sure Emmett cornered you before we left and gave you a heads up on the purpose of this trip, so let's just talk straight, okay?" I look at him in confusion and nod.
"Oookay. Um, Emmett said you're going to give me the talk." Dad laughs a little and shakes his head.
"Yeah, something like that. Let's lay down some ground rules first."
"Ground rules?" Dad, what are…" He holds up his hand to stop me.
"Edward, you're 17 years old. For the first time in your life you have a serious girlfriend. I see the way you look at each other. So, as your father, I feel like it's my duty to…explain a few things to you, as a man."
"I know about sex, dad. You were very…thorough." I can feel my cheeks start to burn. I really don't want to have this conversation again.
"Well, this is a little different. Now, I'm not encouraging you to run out and have sex. You need to wait until both you and your partner are ready to take such a big step. That being said...the ground rules. Rule one. Total honesty. We can ask each other anything." He looks me straight in the eye waiting for me to respond.
"Yes sir." I swallow hard and feel the nerves start to knot in my stomach.
"Rule two. Straight talk. I'll drop the medical speak and you can use any language you want." I cock my eyebrow at him and he returns it with his own. "Of course, so can I." He grins. "Okay?"
"Yes, sir."
"Rule three. What happens on this trip, stays on this trip. Your mother will never know anything that we've talked about. Deal?"
"Deal. So…um, what exactly…I mean Emmett said…" Dad smiles at me before taking a long drink of water. He shifts to get comfortable and then looks me straight in the eye.
"As your father, I feel it's my responsibility to make sure you're appropriately informed when it comes to being able to please a woman in an adult physical relationship." I think my jaw just hit the ground. Holy. Shit. Carlisle Cullen has lost his shit. Please, God kill me now.
"Wh-What?" I squeak out and he starts to laugh again.
"Was it true what you told Charlie? Are you still a virgin?" I snap my jaw shut and suddenly find the grove of trees to my far right extremely interesting. I can feel the heat in my cheeks radiating around me.
"Edward. Son, it's just you and me." I nod my head curtly and exhale before looking at him again.
"Okay. Have you done other things?" He asks. God, please just strike me dead. A lightning bolt, earthquake, hungry bear. I'll even settle for a rabid squirrel. Dad won't give up, so he nudges my shoulder so I'll look at him again.
"What about that girl, Tammy?"
"Tanya." I correct.
"Tanya. She seemed…well, willing. How far did you and she…"
"Dad!" I sit up a little straighter and clench my hands into fists.
"Would you be more comfortable if we used the bases?"
"Huh?"
"Emmett likes to use the bases analogy. First Base, second base...Do I need to go over them?" He smirks at me. Bastard.
"No. I'm familiar." I grunt out.
"So. How far have you advanced around the ole ballpark?"
"Um, second…and a half?" I stare at my shoes and pick apart a leaf.
"A half? Edward, you really shouldn't be embarrassed. So, let me ask a few questions to gage your level of experience."
"Okay." This is hell. I'm in hell. I bet Emmett ate this shit up. I'm sure he practically drew dad a picture of his entire sexually history. I just can't. This is mortifying. He's my father.
"You've kissed a girl?"
"Yes." I practically spit the words at him. What am I a homo? Of course I've kissed a girl.
"Felt a girl up?" I groan and nod my head before resting my elbows on my knees and cradle my forehead in my hands.
"Over or under." I fist my hands in my hair and try not to choke on my own spit.
"Both."
"Fingered a girl?" I start coughing. I can't help it. I think I'm having a mini stroke.
"Once." I chock out.
"That Tanya girl?" He asks and I nod my head while trying not to swallow my tongue.
"Did she ...return the favor?" I keep my eyes close as I nod my head quickly.
"Oral sex?" Oh holy God, fuck my life.
"N-No."
"Hand job." Oh Holy Lord Almighty, Carlisle Cullen just said hand job. Please, Lord in Heaven just take me now. I'm ready. I know he won't let it drop so I nod my head again in the affirmative. "Hmmm, okay. We'll start with the basics then."
"Oh hell." I whisper to the forest floor and pray the fire will suddenly swallow me up.
"Oh, come on, Edward. I feel it's my obligation to make sure you know how to use the equipment." I slouch down against the log and bury my head in my hands again. Unfortunately, he keeps talking.
"So, first things first. Breasts. Glorious, glorious breasts." I can hear him scrubbing his hands together. Creeper. "Make sure you're gentle. A woman's tits are attached. You can't grope her like some animal. They hate that shit."
My head jerks up and my eyes widen. My dad just smirks and leans closer to me. "Remember the rules, Edward. They work both ways. You tell your mother any of this and I'll make your life hell." I exhale a breath I didn't realize I was holding and start to feel myself relax.
"Yes, sir."
"Okay, let's see, where were we? Breasts. Most women like it when you pay attention to their nipples. You have to gauge the amount of pressure a woman likes. Licking, nibbling, a playful bite really goes a long way."
I've never actually heard the strangled sound that emerged from my throat before. Perhaps it's a side effect from the aneurism I'm positive I'm experiencing the moment my dad told me to bite a woman's tits. He's still talking. I think I grunt and he takes it as a 'yes'.
"Okay…your penis."
"Oh, Jesus Christ." I groan but he just keeps talking.
"You're blessed like all Cullen men to be 'beyond adequate' in that department."
"I'm not a Cullen man. Adopted, remember?" I smirk at him.
"Son, I'm your father and your doctor. I've seen all you got, kid. You're a Cullen. Big time." I can't help but grin at him. "And what women say about size doesn't matter…total shit. But, we don't ever have to worry about that." He claps me on the shoulder and laughs. "However, a big dick means nothing if you leave your partner unsatisfied…let's talk about the most important part of a woman's anatomy…the clitoris." Oh Jesus God.
The man is a god. Emmett was right. Carlisle Cullen is a fucking Rock Star. No wonder he gets whatever the hell he wants at home. My mom must worship the ground he walks on. It's creepy as hell to think about it, but after all the shit he just clued me in to over the last two hours, damn. It all falls into place. No wonder Rosalie puts up with Emmett's dumbass, vile behavior. If he's putting into practice what Dr. Cullen just prescribed, then no wonder! I'm still a little awed as we settle down for the night. I zip up the side of my sleeping bag and stare at the top of the tent until I hear dad chuckle under his breath.
"I hope I didn't scar you for life." He asks me.
"No. I…I really appreciate it. But, who…uh, I mean…how did you learn…"
"Uncle Aro."
"Uncle Aro?!" Dad's oldest brother. The man looks like he's been hit in the face with a shovel. Dad and Uncle Marcus got all the looks in the family, that was for sure.
"Uncle Aro has skills." Dad laughs.
"Yeah, But Uncle Aro? Really?"
"Two words…Aunt Bambi." Ri-i-ight. Aunt Bambi. She was blonde, dumb and built like a brick shithouse. She was at least twenty years younger than Aro. Emmett and I are pretty positive she used to be a stripper. Mom would always get this funny look on her face and tell us that Aunt Bambi was in Customer Service. We always wondered how Uncle Aro ended up with a looker like that. Huh. I guess now we know.
"Did Grandpa teach him all this?"
"No, My grandfather, Felix. The man was a true ladies man. A gentleman in every sense, but he knew how to romance."
"Romance?"
"Romance, Edward. The art of wooing women. You're sensitive, Edward. You'll be fine."
"You think? I mean…do you think Bella and I…"
"You're in love with her aren't you?"
"I…I think I am."
"She's a nice girl, Edward."
"Yeah."
"Just remember to think with your heart and not your dick." I can't help but laugh a little. Esme would kill Carlisle if she knew he was talking like this around her precious children.
"Okay, Dad. I will."
"Goodnight, son. I love you."
"Love you, too, old man." I flinch when his backpack hits me in the chest. I erupt in laughter again. He hates it when we point out how old he's getting.
I toss my duffle bag onto the end of the bed before stripping off my sweatshirt. Before I can make it across the hall to the bathroom to take a shower, Emmett corners me.
"So?" He smirks with his eyes shimmering.
"So, what?"
"Oh c'mon! You gotta say something! Best camping trip ever, right?!" He claps his hand onto my back and I wince at the sting on my bare skin.
"Yeah, best trip ever." I can feel the blood rushing to my face.
"So he told you about…" Emmett starts gesturing with his hands and I can feel my cheeks start to heat up.
"Yeah, he…um…yeah."
"Fucking rock star! I'm telling you, you do that shit to Bella and she will worship you man! Rosalie even cooked me dinner after I did that shit!"
"Really?" Holy Christ. Rosalie is far from domestic and cooking Emmett anything is huge in his book. God, I hope Emmett isn't going to bring this shit up all the time. He may want the world to know about his sexual exploits, but I don't. What Bella and I do is private. I try to turn back toward the shower, but Emmett stops me again.
"So, your prison sentence is almost up."
"Yeah. Another six days."
"So what are you and Bella going to do to get…reacquainted?" Great. More eyebrow waggling from Emmett.
"Emmett, shut the fuck up. What Bella and I do is our business."
"Right, right. So how far have you two gotten?" My eyes widen at how dense he is.
"I'm not discussing this with you."
"I'm your brother."
"So."
"So."
"I'm taking a shower." I push past him and feel a small twinge of guilt because his feelings really do look hurt that I won't talk about Bella with him. I strip out of my jeans and stand under the hot spray. The heat starts to seep through my muscles as I start to shampoo my hair. As I feel the suds slide down my chest I sigh at all the images that Dad's little 'talk' put into my head. All starring Isabella Marie Swan. Shit. I sigh as I grasp my now rock hard dick. These six days are going to be hell.