I want you with me - in which Jackson wants April too

"Jackson…" She followed him after he turned his back on her. It was pretty obvious that he wanted nothing to do with her, but she couldn't help it. So, carefully enough not to bring any unnecessary attention to her, she followed him, until he turned a corner and they found themselves in a semi dark empty hall. "Jackson, stop!"

"What?"

"You can't keep running away from me."

"And you can keep pretending you're getting married to the love of your life." He says, finally stopping and turning around. "Poor guy, doesn't even know where he's getting himself into."

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

"You know damn right what that's supposed to mean. Don't play dumb with me."

The way he spoke, the fury in his voice, it all scared her. He was not usually like this. Something triggered this behavior and the sleepy monster inside of him, was suddenly awake. It was her. She triggered it. She and her words in the moment she told him she wanted him. She thought he would take her back with a smile on his lips and arms open. Now, it was all blowing up in her face. "Jackson…"

"Don't tell me you want me when a second earlier you were saying you wanted him. You're engaged. You're getting married and that should mean something."

"It means something!"

"You don't even love him. How can you live with yourself?"

'One day at a time', she thought. Truth was, she didn't even know, but she was not going to let her guard down. "Don't talk about Matthew like you know him, like you know anything about us."

"Okay, well… don't pretend like I'm the bad guy here, because I'm not." He said, closing the space between, taking a couple steps towards her. "You were the one to mess us up."

"Wait a minute… I was? You were the one who put an end to it in the first place."

"Yes, but you know why. We would have never worked out. You're too…" Jackson said, almost shouting, waving his hands in the air trying to find the right word to describe her.

"Too what?"

"Indecisive."

"That is so unfair!" His voice was raising and April found herself crossing her arms close against her chest, taking a defensive position. "You're not an angel either!"

"I'm not saying I am." He went on, lifting his head, pulling his chest out, gaining a new found confidence, one he didn't know he had before. He had been holding his feelings for a long time and now he was letting it all out. He simply couldn't hold them any longer. "How can you tell me you want me after all this time? After everything we've been through?"

"I…"

"Couldn't you be honest with me sooner?" He continued, cutting her off, tired of her lazy excuses. "Honest with yourself?"

"You know, from the beginning I knew this was a mistake." She said, choosing to ignore his question. She noticed the way he was staring at her, like she was the most despicable human being on the face of the earth, like she was worthless of his presence, of his words. Yet, raising one finger, she found the courage to point at him. "You were a mistake. We were a mistake."

"Yes, yes we were." He nodded his head, taking one step closer, looking at her through the darkness of the corridor. "And you destroyed everything."

"I did?"

"You did, with your craziness, with your doubts and fears." He wasn't shouting now, but he didn't need to. He had learned a long time ago how to control his tone, how people reacted to his husky voice, how to use his eyes to capture the other person's attention. His anger was still there, but so was his confidence. He wanted her to pay attention, to notice the bitterness in his voice, the disgust of being in this situation. So, in a low yet firm tone, he decided to go on. "You've been destroying everything from the beginning and I think you will only be happy once you realize you've destroyed me too."

"I destroyed you?" She asked, completely taken by surprise with his speech. He had to be joking.

"I was falling for you, I wanted you… I wanted to be with you." He went on, stopping in front of her with his hands placed on his hips. He noticed how she moved her eyes to the floor, not able to even look at him. He was determined to make her feel what he felt, to make her realize he had somehow been through hell and back because of her. "I gave you everything, April."

She looked back at him, raising her head instantly. Mouth open, brows raised, confused expression. No, he could not possibly be serious. "You gave me nothing! Jackson, you couldn't even put a name to our relationship."

"Because you wouldn't let me." He retorted. "And then I told you I had feelings for you and what did you do?"

"I had feelings for you too." She shouted, not able to control the high pitched tone of her voice. "Then you decided to break up with me and jump in bed with that intern! What did you expect from me after that, Jackson? What? You walked away."

"Don't you dare say I walked away!"

"You did!" She harshly said. He kept accusing her. Well, two could play this game. "Don't deny it. Don't pretend you didn't. You were so damn glad I wasn't pregnant, you took the first opportunity you had to walk away. We weren't even dating."

"Then what were we doing?"

"I don't know. Fooling around."

"For the last time, it wasn't just sex to me!"

"It sure looks like it was." She replied, uncrossing her arms, finding the courage to take a stand, to speak for herself, to make him realize he was just as guilty as she was. "The moment it was over, you couldn't keep it in your pants. You had to go find yourself a replacement."

"Your replacement?"

"If you say so." She spent nights playing this conversation in her head, wondering why he did what he did, why he decided to move on so quickly with another woman. When he told her what he had done, that he had slept with Stephanie, it felt like knife cutting through her flesh, mutilating her skin and she bled like she had never bled before. He cut her open and took a piece of her with him that day. There was nothing left for her to do but to cry. So, she cried, trying to ignore what he had done, trying to erase him from her life. She spent so many sleepless nights doubting his reasons to be with her in the first place. "Sometimes I feel like you were only using me."

"I would never use you."

"Are you using her now?"

Jackson paused and thought about her question for a second. He knew exactly where she was going with this, what her intentions were. Two could definitely play this game. "No, I'm not like you." He finally replied. "I don't use people like you do."

"W-what?"

"Go be with your fiancé. I'm sure he's worried about you." Jackson said, aware of the fact that his message was clear and straight. If he was using Stephanie to get over her, she was using Matthew as well. How ridiculous could this whole situation be? They should be together and for a short second he remembered the day they broke up. They thought she was expecting a child and he was willing to become her husband. They were going to build a life together, but it all came crumbling down. They should be able to work things out, but they didn't and now there was no point in even thinking about it. Matthew was going to become her husband soon. He couldn't even bare that thought. "I'm sure he'll a make a better husband than I ever would."

"Why do you keep saying these things when you know they hurt me? Why do you keep hurting me?"

"And you're not hurting me?" Jackson asked. Her cheeks were flushed, her nose was pink and her eyes were beginning to hide the tears waiting to fall down her face. "April, all you keep doing is hurting me!"

"What?"

"You broke my heart. You didn't want me when I wanted you. I poured out my heart to you and you didn't even say one word about it."

"I was caught by surprise. I didn't know what to say."

"All you had to say was you had feelings for me too. But of course you wouldn't, 'cause you didn't." He said, putting his pride to the side, baring his soul, exposing his pain. He was used to build walls around himself, to let everyone on the outside, in the dark. However, his walls were crumbling down. Showing emotions could sometimes be seen as a weakness in his world. She had always been his weakness anyways.

"Don't say that! That's not true."

"It doesn't matter. Not now, at least."

"Don't do that!" She said, when he started to turn his back on her. She quickly grabbed his arm and forced him to face her. He didn't want to, but she could be surprisingly strong sometimes. "Don't turn your back on me when we're having a conversation."

"I have nothing else to say to you!"

"You've attacked me in every possible way, but you haven't said it." April continued, cutting him off. "Say it! Say you don't want me. Say it to me. Say it why!"

"April…"

"SAY IT!" She said, this time letting go of his arm aggressively, pushing it, pushing him.

"You keep treating me like I'm just a toy… your toy. You keep thinking you can want me whenever you want, that I'm always available for you. I'm not!"

"That was not what I asked you!"

"But you do!" He firmly said, trying to escape her request. There was no way he could say what she wanted him to say. He didn't feel it. He couldn't say it. "From the start, you've been doing nothing but treating me like a toy you can use and abuse and let go when you're done playing with."

"What?"

"We kissed. We had sex. You freaked out. You went away without even an explanation." He shouted, noticing how she was blinking back her tears and having a hard time maintaining eye contact. "Then you came back and we were fine, until you freaked out and I, once again, was forced to let you go!"

"So this is my fault?" She asked, shaking her head. It felt like they were in a war, a battlefield of words and lies and accusations. How could he be so delusional? So irrational? This wasn't just her fault. They were both guilty. They both should be put to shame. Her flood was rising, burning inside. She wished she could slap him, physically hurt him like he was hurting her. So, almost unconsciously, April raised her arms, closed her fists and painfully lifted her head to face his dark green eyes. "You're a coward!" She said, reaching for his chest, attacking him with her hands. "Such a coward!"

"Don't!" He said, finding her wrists and holding them tightly. "You have got to stop hitting me!" He was done of her way of expressing her frustrations. She had hit before, when he came out of the bus, when she found him wounded with bruises all over his skin. Hitting him would lead nowhere and using force was not the answer. "You're insane and you're driving me insane." Looking right into her eyes, he didn't even allow her to calm down. Her lips were shaking, her body was trembling and he could clearly see the throbbing veins in her neck. He could feel his palms sweaty now as he was starting to breathe heavily as well. Once he started, he knew he wasn't stopping anytime soon. He had to let it all out. So, clearing his throat, he spoke again. "You're so insane and you keep breaking me."

"We barely speak… how could I…?"

"You're everywhere. Your shadow is always there." He went on, speaking in a firm lower tone and leaning his head forward. "From the moment we kissed in San Francisco, you've been messing up with my head. You keep messing up with my head and I can't forget you. I've been trying so damn hard to forget you, but it's useless. And I can't keep living like this, April. I can't move on when you…"

"And I can? I can move on when you keep fighting me?" His hands were still holding her wrists. "You keep hurting me with your words? Pushing me away?"

He knew he was pushing her away and it would be a lie if he said he didn't miss her, but he thought he had to be tough, that keeping her at a distance would make things easier somehow. It didn't.

"You hurt me so much when you ended things, when you slept with her and you will never understand how much." April continued. Her voice was cracking and her mouth was dry. If he was broken, then so was she. "You did all those things and you're not even sorry."

He didn't reply. Instead, he kept staring at her. The tears in her eyes made them look brighter somehow. He loved her eyes, their depth, how they could easily illustrate her soul. Despite everything, he had to confess she had a beautiful soul. Things weren't supposed to go like this and he never meant to start a war. However, he could not let himself fall back into her charm, into her beauty, into her grace. He had learned to live without her, he could carry on that way. And it took him so long to feel comfortable around her again, to feel comfortable in own his skin. No, he wasn't going to let her win him again. After all, he knew that if they ever went back, there would only be regret waiting for them. Their desire tore them apart once. It sure would tear them apart again and he knew he couldn't live with that fear forever. Things were better off this way. They were better apart than together.

However, he kept lowering his head slowly, taking his time to appreciate the soft features of her face. Her pink lips were so close, he could almost taste them. He wanted to kiss her badly, but he knew that once he did that, there would be no turning back. They would fall back into the same pattern. No, he had to fight it. He was trying to fight it, but he missed her taste, he missed exploring her mouth.

Their foreheads were pressed to each other now and it amazed him how she didn't pull away. Instead, she closed her eyes and let herself go. He felt his feet being swept off the ground when he closed his eyes as well. The tension around them was undeniable. They both wanted it so badly.

But their silence was broken by her voice. Reality seemed to hit her and she finally pulled away. "Don't." April said, avoiding his eyes by looking at the floor. "I may be a lot of things, but I am not a cheater." She was already a cheater. She cheated the moment she cried out her love to him in the form of a desperate 'I want you'. "I'm so tired of everything. Sometimes I wish we were still friends. Friends like we used to be before I kissed you, before we slept together, before all the mistakes."

"Mistakes?" He asked, letting go of her hands and taking a step back. "I guess we'll always come back to this, aren't we? We will never overcome the fact that we were just a mistake."

She nodded in agreement. It all happened too suddenly. They went from friends to lovers in an instant. They jumped into each other, letting their desire speak louder. They chained themselves to this feeling only to realize later once you've chained yourself, you can't let it go easily. Jackson had changed her in every way possible. He was her first real kiss, her first lover, her first big disappointment. But how could it all end like this? Mistake. Lack of judgment. Poor reasoning. Could they really be only all of that?

She raised her head once again and faced him, completely ashamed of herself at this point. Yet, she found the courage to ask him one more thing. "Were we, though?" Her voice made him look up as well. "Do you really think we were just a mistake?"

"You said it yourself."

"No. I'm asking you."

"Perhaps, yes." Jackson replied, the sadness in his voice was palpable. "But I will always want you. Just not like this."

"Like this?"

"All I want is to be with you, but I can't. We can't. We're too damaged anyways."

..

requested by kepnerlove ilmiooceanomare